Directions for the Right Use of Special Bosom Friendship

Direct. I. Engage not yourself to any one as a bosom friend, without great evidence and proof of his fitness in all the foregoing qualifications. By which you may see that this is not an ordinary way of duty or benefit, but a very unusual case. For it is a hard thing to meet with one among many thousands, that hath all these qualifications; and when that is done, if you have not all the same qualifications to him, you will be unmeet for his friendship, whatever he be for yours. And where in an age will there be two that are suited in all those respects? Therefore our ordinary way of duty is, to love all according to their various worth, and to make the best use we can of every one’s grace and gifts, and of those most that are nearest us; but without the partiality of such extraordinary affection to any one above all the rest. For young persons usually make their choice rashly, of one that afterwards proveth utterly unmeet for the office of such a friend, or at least, no better than many other persons; nay, ten to one, but after-experience will acquaint them with many that are much wiser, and better, and fitter for their love. And hasty affections are guilty of blind partiality, and run men into sin and sorrow, and often end in unpleasant ruptures. Therefore be not too forward in this friendship.

Direct. II. When you do choose a friend, though he must be one that you have no cause to be suspicious of, yet reckon that it is possible that he may be estranged from you, yea, and turn your enemy. Causeless jealousies are contrary to friendship on your part; and if there be cause, it is inconsistent with friendship on his part. But yet no friendship should make you blind, and not to know that man is a corrupt and mutable creature; especially in such an age as this, wherein we have seen, how personal changes, state changes, and changes in religion, have alienated many seeming friends. Therefore love them, and use them, and trust them, but as men, that may possibly fail all your expectations, and open all your secrets, and betray you, yea, and turn your enemies. Suspect it not, but judge it possible.

Direct. III. Be open with your approved friend, and commit all your secrets to him, still excepting those, the knowledge of which may be hurtful to himself, or the revealing of them hereafter may be intolerably injurious to yourself, to the honour of religion, to the public good, or to any other. If you be needlessly close, you are neither friendly, nor can you improve your friend enough to your own advantage. But yet if you open all without exception, you may many ways be injurious to your friend and to yourself; and the day may come which you did not look for, in which his weakness, passion, interest, or alienation, may trouble you by making all public to the world.

Direct. IV. Use as little affectation or ceremony with your friend as may be; but let all your converse with him be with openness of heart, that he may see that you both trust him, and deal with him in plain sincerity. If dissimulation and forced affectation be but once discovered, it tendeth to breed a constant diffidence and suspicion. And if it be an infirmity of your own which you think needeth such a cover, the cloak will be of worse effect, than the knowledge of your infirmity.

Direct. V. Be ever faithful to your friend, for the cure of all his faults; and never turn friendship into flattery: yet still let all be done in love, though in a friendly freedom, and closeness of admonition. It is not the least benefit of intimate friendship, that what an enemy speaketh behind our backs, a friend will open plainly to our faces. To watch over one another daily, and be as a glass to show our faces or faults to one another, is the very great benefit of true friendship. Eccles. iv. 9-11, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him up.” It is a flatterer and not a friend, that will please you by concealing or extenuating your sin.

Direct. VI. Abhor selfishness as most contrary to real friendship. Let your friend be as yourself, and his interest as your own. If we must love our neighbour as ourselves, much more our dearest bosom friends.

Direct. VII. Understand what is most excellent and useful in your friend, and that improve. Much good is lost by a dead-hearted companion, that will neither broach the vessel and draw that out which is ready for their use; nor yet feed any good discourse, by due questions or answers, but stifle all by barren silence. And a dull, silent hearer, will weary and silence the speaker at the last.

Direct. VIII. Resolve to bear with each other’s infirmities: be not too high in your expectations from each other; look not for exactness and innocence, but for human infirmities, that when they fall out, you may not find yourselves disappointed. Patience is necessary in all human converse.

Direct. IX. Yet do not suffer friendship to blind you, to own or extenuate the faults of your dearest friend. For that will be sinful partiality, and will be greatly injurious to God, and treachery against the soul and safety of your friend.

Direct. X. And watch lest the love, estimation, or reverence of your friend, should draw you to entertain his errors, or to imitate him in any sinful way. It is no part of true friendship to prefer men before the truth of Christ, nor to take any heretical, dividing, or sensual infection from our friend, and so to die and perish with him; nor is it friendly to desire it.

Direct. XI. Never speak against your friend to a third person; nor open his dishonourable weakness to another. As no man can serve two masters, so no man can well please two contrary friends: and if you whisper to one the failings of another, it tendeth directly to the dissolution of your friendship.

Direct. XII. Think not that love will warrant your partial, erroneous estimation of your friend. You may judge him fittest for your intimacy; but you must not judge him better than all other men, unless you have special evidence of it, as the reason of such a judgment.

Direct. XIII. Let not the love of your friend draw you to love all, or any others, the less, and below their worth. Let not friendship make you narrow-hearted, and confine your charity to one: but give all their due, in your valuation and your conversation, and exercise as large a charity and benignity as possibly you can; especially to societies, churches, and commonwealth, and to all the world. It is a sinful friendship, which robbeth others of your charity; especially those to whom much more is due than to your friend.

Direct. XIV. Exercise your friendship in holiness and well-doing: kindle in each other the love of God and goodness, and provoke each other to a heavenly conversation. The more of God and heaven is in your friendship, the more holy, safe, and sweet, and durable it will prove. It will not wither, when an everlasting subject is the fuel that maintaineth it. If it will not help you the better to holiness and to heaven, it is worth nothing. Eccles. iv. 11, “If two lie together, then they have heat; but how can one be warm alone.” See that your friendship degenerate not into common carnal love, and evaporate not in a barren converse, instead of prayer and heavenly discourse, and faithful watchfulness and reproof.

Direct. XV. Prepare each other for suffering and death, and dwell together in the house of mourning, where you may remember your nearer everlasting friendship; and not only in the house of mirth, as if it were your work to make each other forget your latter end.

Lege quam plurima veterum testimonia in D. Gatakero contra
Davenantium de Baptismo.

“Disputations of Right to Sacraments.”