Concerning Marriage
1. I feel little encouidgement to hazard any advice upon this subject: in general, people do not in this matter consult their own judgment, nor receive the counsel of their friends; but act according to the impulse of their passions. It is almost the only case in the concerns of human life where reason and prudence are obliged to be inactive; and where they are, notwithstanding, most interested. However, a Christian should act otherwise; and a Christian minister, who is not delivered out of the hands of his own passions, is a disgrace to the sacred character he bears. I was always an advocate for marriage; and as I have tried that state for more than thirty years, and have been blessed with a good wife, and with twelve children, it is no wonder that I should continue to recommend it. I say, by all means get married; for I am satisfied that few men can be truly comfortable who live a single life. But remember, your everlasting all may depend upon the choice you make. Seek for genuine piety — nothing can compensate for the lack of this; look for sound sense, and an agreeable manner — that while your wife is a help to you, she may not by her awkward behaviour, be disgusting to others. Good natural tempers are of great consequence. Get a wife who possessed these before she was brought to God: and should she at any time lose ground in religion, her good natural disposition will still remain, and your comfort will not be materially interrupted. But when a woman who has had bad natural tempers loses that life of God by which they were controlled or kept at bay, she becomes intolerable. Avoid a person of this character, though as rich as Croesus, and as beautiful as an angel. Let the person be nearly of your own age. A young man marrying an old woman, and an old man marrying a child, are both an abomination to common sense and reason. Your wife should ever be considered as your equal; and therefore, should not bo of such an age in reference to you, as might demand the respect of a mother, or the correction of a child. Don’t seek for money; it is a shocking reproach to a man of Qod to be hunting after pelf, and getting a wife merely for the sake of her possessions. I scruple not to say, that those who marry for money, are committing adultery as long as they live. I say nothing concerning beauty, &c., but would just observe, that a man who is himself of a homely appearance should not be nice in the choice of a wife; and, that a pious, sensible nwman, of a good natural disposition, be she ever so ordinary, is an inestimable treasure. Beware of a woman that meddles with politics, or with the goyemment of the church of God. Such an one cannot fall to embroil you with the people, wherever you go; and will be a source of misery to you as long iis you breathe.
Marriage to you can never be an indifferent thing; it will make or mar you; it will be a blessing or a curse to you. It will either help you to heaven, drive you to hell, or be a heart-rending cross to you while you live. Nor will a bad or improper marriage affect yourself alone; it may be the ruin of every child that issues from it. And, dreadful as that evil is, it will not rest there; they may propagate the plague to interminable generations; and millions be injured, if not lost, by your improper or vicious marriage. Add to this, that as fax as you are connected with the work of God, it will be a great hindrance, a deep blot, and a leprous curse, to the church of Christ. 1 have heard it asserted by a sensible man, a keen observer of human nature, and one intimately acquainted with religious people, that “some of the direst evils that threaten the present revival of religion are deducible from this source. Young ministers have rushed in shoals into the net; and I cannot add, said he, “For all there are so many, yet is not the net broken,” They are entangled in the meshes; but, alas! the net is broken! They are neither brought to land, nor are free in the water. They have little domestie happiness, they present no edifying example.
Think of these possible evils — examine the circle of your acquaintance, and see them realized. Look before you leap; add not to the number of
The wild herd of nymphs and swains
Who thoughtless flj into the chains.
As custom leads the way.”
Take this step with that godly fear and scrupulous caution which a man should do, who feels he has his all at stake. If God direct you not, you will draw in a fearless lottery, where there are many blanks to one prize. And what I say to young men here, I would say to young women also, were they the objects of my instruction.
2. I need lay down no rules for your treatment of your wife; because, if you love her as you ought, you will ever treat her well; and if you do not love her, rules and directions would be mere cobwebs to you. One thing I must say, that when you are in company, you should pay as much, attention to your wife as to any person present; avoiding, at the same time, that puerile, monkey* ieh fooling and toying which is a disgrace to msjiy and an insult to a sensible woman.
3. Abul Fazl; author of the Ayar Dannsh (Touchstone of Wisdom), gives the following advice to a person who was goiog to marry: “Take (says he) the daughter of a religious friendly xamy whom you may make your confidant on all occasions. But have nothing to say to three kinds of women. — 1. A widow, if she be always extolling her deceased husband. 2. A woman, whose relations have conferred great favours upon you. And, 3. One who, whenever she sees you, speaks in a faint tone, and affects a dehcate languid air.” These advices show an intimate acquaintance with human nature; and are so full of good sense and meaning, that a volume might be written on without exhausting them.
4. If ever God should bless you with children.
see that you dedicate them nnreseiredly to Him. Nerer dress them in the fashion, i.e., the unmean- 11^, mineoessary, and absurd foppery of the times. Give them no red shoes, glaring buttons, &c. This fills them with pride, and debases their minds; for by this mode of conduct they are taught to attach a value to things which are of no intrinsic worth; and false perceptions and ideas, impressed upon the mind in so tender an age, are rarely obliterated through the whole course of life.
5. Never, or very rarely, take them out with you to dine, &c., for the following reasons. 1. Because they are generally too much indulged by getting food, which in quantity and quality is injurious to their health. 2. Being treated better abroad than at home, necessary domestic restraint becomes irksome to them, and they would rather be any where else than in their father’s house. 3. By being too much indulged among strangers, they acquire too great a degree of forwardness; which, for lack of judgment, often degenerates into intolerable impudence. 4. They give great trouble to the families where they come; by which you cannot fail being brought into contempt, especially when you’ make it a custom to take them where they are neither asked nor desired. As directions of this nature are not yet requisite for you, this will plead my excuse for not entering so deeply into this matter as its nature and importance might demand.