To Mrs. W——
An apology’’ — Fruits of holiness partially enjoyed — Work of the ispirit, and tenderness of conscience at an early age — Regret — DiiRculties — The cost counted — Activity required — Intense breathings — A wrong standard of experience — A darling object — Great things anticipated.
Dear Mrs. “W. You will be surprised on
receiving a communication so long after my promise, and I question whether I shall be able to furnish such an apology as will render my long silence excusable. Scarcely a day passed, for a
month or two after my retmn from B, but
my thoughts recmTed to the pleasure I enjoyed in your society, and the remembrance of my unfulfilled promise as often caused me much uneasiness.
When I tell you the reason of my delay, I trust you will rather rejoice with me than accuse me of remissness. There has been a geat improvement in my religious expeiience, as the result of a decision made at that time, that my undivided purpose should be the attainment of the witness of enthe holmess.
Previous to this I had, in a degree, partaken of the fruits of holiness: my mind reverts to some sweet assurances that I was not without a measure of its blessed enjoyment while on the road to Baltimore and Washington. I am not sure but
Early Reminiscences.
that the love which casteth out all fear then had possession of my heart. Yes, I think I was then enabled to “reckon myself dead indeed unto sin, and alive unto God, through Jesus Christ oui Lord.” But I did not, at that time, habitually enjoy that abiding, lively consciousness of the seal of consecration on all my powers, which for some months past I have enjoyed in the rich plenitude of its blessedness.
O how I love to exhibit to the lovers of my adorable Jesus the riches of his grace, as manifested toward me, without money or price! I am sure, if you but knew how unworthy I have been, how disobedient in former time to the heavenly vision, you would wonder, even to amazement, at the riches of grace. That this may be the favorable result — yes, to furnish yourself and your beloved husband with new motives for adoring gratitude — I will proceed to present the more prominent portions of my experience in the things of G’od from my infancy; for from that early period I trace his hand leading me to himself.
My parents, prior to my being intrusted to them, were rather devotedly pious. I was therefore early instructed in experimental religion. Of the necessity of its affecting my life, and even in mmute things inducing a change of conduct, I was in the morning of my existence aware. I shall never forget the intense anguish I suffered in
Scrupulousness. Regeneration.
consequence of telling an untruth, when but about three and a half years old.
This extreme sensitiveness, as to moral and reli- ^ous obligation, grew up with me; so much so, that I was sometimes smiled at for my well-intentioned scrupulousness, and at other times almost censured for carrying it to a troublesome excess. I then regarded refuge in God as the safe sanctuary for the recital of the little grievances incident to childhood. Thanks be to God that the maturer knowledge of later years has never erased the principles thus early cherished by the operation of the Holy Spirit, and pious parental solicitude.
Would that from these early drawings of the Father it had been my ceaseless endeavor to follow the Lord fully; how much more gloriously had I, ere this, been led on by the Spirit of holiness toward the attainment of that fullness of stature in Christ Jesus, for which my soul now eagerly waits I But Jesus forgives; yes, he forgives freely! Hallelujah to his excellent name!
But, to proceed. It has been my opinion, from the survey of subsequent experience, that I, from this early age, enjoyed a low measure of regenerating grace, though, for much of the time, not precisely conscious of my state before God. How often have I labored to bring myself into a state of extreme anguish before God, and wept because of the failure! imagining if I could only bring
Unsteady Faith. Unwise Propensity.
myself to feel the burden of sin upon my conscience, to the degree which I have heard others express, that I could then easily come to God, ■vith the expectation of obtaining the witness of justification.
The state of my mind for years, as nearly as I can express it, was this: — I had rather a belief that I was a child of God; yet I had not enough of the spirit of adoption to cry Tlath unwavering confidence, “Abba, Father.” O how often did I feel a longing thirst for holiness, conscious that nothing less could supply my need! Yet this seemingly impassable barrier was ever present, to stay my onward progress, “You are not yet clear in justification.” In the strength of faith I many times endeavored to surmount this difficulty, by looking at the reasonableness of the requirement of holiness, believing that Christ had purchased full salvation for me, and as it was already my purchased inheritance, the sooner I entered into the enjoyment of it, the more I should glorify the Purchaser, by being made a witness of his power to save unto the uttermost. And thus at times my faith became almost victorious; and doubtless would soon have triumphed, had I only held fast the beginning of my confidence steadfast unto the end; yet my proneness to reason, and also the unwise propensity I had of measuring my experience by what I imagined the experience of others,
Little Progress. A Resolve. Activity required.
gave the enemy advantage over me; so, as frequently as I arose in the majesty of faith to go forward, he threw me again on my former ground.
Thus I continued to rise and fall, and consequently made but little progress in the way to heaven, until the early part of last June, when, in the strength of Omnipotence, I resolutely determined that I would set myself apart wholly for God, fully purposed that my ceaseless aim should thenceforth be the entire devotion of all my powers to the service of my Redeemer. This, through grace, I then more deliberately decided upon than at any former period. I calmly counted the cost, which I felt would be the surrender of my own will in all things. I then took, as the motto for my future guidance, and the sole principle of every subsequent effort, entire devotion of my Jieart and life to God. To this one object, I resolved that every earthly consideration should be subservient, fully purposed that all ordinary pursuits should cease to be absorbing, till the witness was obtained, that the offering was accepted and sealed.
You are aware that I have been accustomed to devote a portion of my time to writing, but I now felt that I could proceed no further in any ordinary pursuit. I apprehended in yet clearer light, that God required activity in his service, and an intense desire was imparted to glorify his name;
Helplessness. Tests of Divine Relationship.
but such a deep, piercing sense of my helplessness prevailed, that it seemed as though I could not go forward imtil endued with power from on high. Yet, notwithstanding this, hope gathered strength, while the whisperings of the Spirit seemed to say, “Stand still and sec the salvation of the Lord.” Yet these convictions were not accompanied with those high-wrought feelings, or that distress of spirit, which I had heard some speak of, as given preparatory to receiving purity, and which I had thought indispensable; few, perhaps, may more emphatically say, that they were led by a way they knew not.
From the time I made the resolve to be wholly devoted to the service of Christ, I began to feel momentarily that I was being built up and established in grace: humility, faith, and love, and all the fruits of the Spirit, seemed hourly maturing: such was the ardor of my spirit, and the living intensity of its fervor, that in the night season, though my body partook of repose sufficient for the refreshment of nature, my spirit seemed continually awake in communings with God, and in breathings after his fullness.
Perhaps I should have said, that, previous to these exercises, I had resolved on taking th€ word of God, and simply trying myself by its tests of a new creature, determined to abide by its decisions, without regard to my particular emotions; assured
A Fault. Witness of the Spirit obtained.
that there is no positive standard for feeling, in the Scriptures. Yet, upon reviewing my slow progress, I cannot but regard the fault of taking the feelings and experience of others as a standard for my own, in place of going to the word of the Lord, as having been my greatest hinderance. I now took this portion of divine truth: “As many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.” I soon found, by the light of the Spiiit, that I had conclusive evidence of my adoption. As I had resolved that I would abide by the decisions of Scripture, the Holy Spirit did not leave himself without a witness in my heart. Quietness and assurance now took possession of my breast, and an undisturbed resting on the promises became my heritage.
After this resolve on entire devotion of heart and life to God, my breathings for divine conformity became more satisfactory. The appeal to my understanding seemed to say, “God is all in all;” yet my heart did not fully attest the witness. One exercise which I then commenced, and have since continued with increasing benefit, I will mention: — It was that of making daily, in form and in the most solemn manner, a dedication of all the powers of body and soul, time, talents, and influence, to God.
Thus I continued to enjoy increasing happiness in God, but not yet perfectly satisfied as to the
A Beloved Object. Surrender contemplated,
witness — the indubitable seal of consecration. I was kept in constant expectation of the blessing.
July 26. On the morning of this day, while with most grateful emotions remembering the way by which my heavenly Father had led me, my thoughts rested more especially upon the beloved one whom God had given to be the partner of my life. How truly a gift from God, and how essentially connected with my spiritual, as also my temporal happiness, is this one dear object! I exclaimed.
Scarcely had these suggestions passed, when with keenness these inquiries were suggested: “Have you not professedly given up all for Christ? If he who now so truly absorbs your affections were required, would you not shrink from the demand?” I need not say that this one dear object, though often in name surrendered, was not in reality given up. My precious little ones, whom God had taken to himself, were then brought to my recollection, as if to admonish me relative to making the sacrifice. I thought how fondly I had idolized them. He who had said, “I the Lord your God am a jealous God,” saw the idolatry of my heart, and took them to himself. The remembrance of how decidedly I had, by these repeated bereavements, been assured that He whose right it is to reign, would be the sole sovereign of my heart, assisted me in the resolve, that neither should this, the yet dearer object, be withheld.
Difficulties surmounted. Great Expectations.
The remainder of the day, until toward evening, was unexpectedly spent from home. The evening I had resolved to spend in supplication. So intense was my desire for the seal of the Spirit, that I made up my mind I would not cease to plead until it were given. Thoughts were presented as to risk of health, &c.; but my spirit surmounted every discouraging insinuation. Thus fixed in purpose, I, in the firmness of faith, entered as a suppHant into the presence of the Lord. As if preparatory to a long exercise, I thought. Let me begin just right; and though I have heretofore entered into covenant with God, let me now particularize, and enter into an everlasting covenant, which shall in all things be well ordered and sure. I imagined some extraordinary exercise, such as an unusual struggle, or a desperate venture of faith, &c., preparatory to the realization of my desire, saying in my heart, though hardly aware of it, that some great thing must surely be wrought. But how God works in order to hide pride from man, I will endeavor to show you in my next. Yours in the bonds of love.
Eternal Obligation. Retrospection.