The Grand Poll
Terrible confusion having happened among mankind, their original state was totally dissolved by the great King, the Lord of hosts. It was therefore necessary that they should be represented and directed by a new head. Two candidates of very different characters, appeared to solicit their votes. Beelzebub, a prodigal rake, who, in a few days of his youth, had spent his large patrimony, and rendered himself and many millions of his friends absolutely bankrupt and miserable; but who, nevertheless, became more and more proud, and, by his impudence, flattery, falsehood, and other arts, gained the character of a most fashionable and prevalent orator, was the one. Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of the most high God, whose abilities for management, and his fidelity as well as his true love to God and men, were absolutely infinite; and who had the tongue of the learned, to speak words that are spirit and life to every attentive hearer, was the other.
An assembly of some hundred thousand millions being convened, though not all precisely at the same time, Beelzebub had the presumption first to ascend the hustings, and, with a fawning smile and loud cry, begged their favourable attention. The whole assembly, except a few, heard him several hours without so much as a wandering eye or thought, or the very least impatience. He harangued them to this purpose: —
“My dear princes, noblemen, gentlemen, clergymen, and commons, with your respective princesses and ladies, you cannot but be deeply sensible of my near relation to you as your common parent, and of my constant abode and familiar condescensions among you. My zeal for your present established constitution hath, since our first connexion, been steady and ardent. In every possible form, I have constantly contended for your unlimited liberty, both religious and civil; I have even permitted you to
comply as far with the doctrines and laws of mine adversary as can consist with your natural inclinations, or can tend to promote your true pleasure, honour, and wealth, in this world. For your manifest advantage, I have contended for and encouraged your unallayed rejoicing in the days of your youth, and your unbounded liberty to fulfil the desires of the flesh and mind, and to walk in the ways of your heart, and in the sight of your eyes; and to live in a truly easy, cheerful, genteel, and fashionable manner, in the lust of your flesh, the lust of your eye, and the pride of life — withholding nothing from yourself that your soul desireth. Your small services to me, I have been always ready to reward with the riches, crowns, or kingdoms of this world. I have almost racked my wits, and expended my treasures, in inventing for you new forms of manly principles, exquisite pleasures, exalted honours, and immense riches, that I might cause you to enjoy a very heaven upon earth. Instead of the mean, dull drudgery of prayer, ranting of psalms, searching of bibles, and hearing of canting harangues concerning Christ and eternity, heaven and hell, I have largely furnished you with a set of customary oaths, excellent novels and romances, stage plays, puppet shows, masquerades, balls, assemblies, merry carousals, processions, horse-races, cock-matches, cards and dice, and many other diversions, infinitely delightful. By the care of myself and my servants, the most of you have the good sense to discern that that pitiful scribble, called the bible, is but an arrant imposture, whose principles are a disgrace to human nature; and its laws, unless as they forbid gross thefts in civilized nations, an intolerable burden. To render your minds as composed as possible, we have also irrefragably proved that hell is a mere bugbear, scarcely believed by one preacher of a hundred; and that, if there be a heaven or eternity, and a God, he is naturally obliged to exert himself to his uttermost in making all his creatures happy; and so, instead of damning any of you, must bestow upon you an everlasting happiness, answerable to your natural appetites. Let therefore your so richly deserved gratitude determine each of you to support me on this important occasion; the which if you do, I solemnly promise, on my word of honour, to exert myself for your true and present welfare, to the very utmost of my power.
“My only opponent scarcely deserves your or my notice. With pleasure, my lords and gentlemen, I know that you have the good sense to hold him in sovereign contempt. Most of you never so much as heard of him till this very day. His own account of himself, if it had any truth in it, represents him as absolutely despicable -a man of sorrows; — a worm, and no man; — mean in his birth; debased, poor, and hated in his life, and infamous in his death! Not learned doctors, princes, noblemen, or gentry, but some infatuated, or pitifully weak dregs of mankind, have ever marked the least regard for
him. And indeed, none in his wits will ever prefer one who allots nothing but a life of trouble and torment to his friends; requires them to deny themselves, and threatens eternal damnation for the most trifling deviation from his absurd commands.”
This flattering speech was received with such multitudes of loud huzzas, that earth and hell rang again with No Jesus Christ, but Beelzebub for ever! Beelzebub for ever! Beelzebub for ever!
Notwithstanding this horrid affront, Jesus Christ, in infinite compassion to the multitude, mounted the hustings, and in the most solemn and serious manner begged their attention. But such was their hubbub and outrageous clamour, that, had not his voice been as of the Almighty when he speaketh, he had got no hearing at all. And indeed, till about the evening tide, almost no man regarded him. He addressed such as did not run off, in this manner, with the tear in his eye: —
4 4 To you, O men, I call, and my voice is to the sons of men. How often would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Ye have been called to the Most High, and none would exalt him. I have called, and ye refused; I stretched out my hand, and no man regarded. Ye have set at nought all my counsel, and would none of my reproof; ye would have none of me. What shall I do unto you, O sinners, O children of disobedience, who are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye do! How shall
I give you up! How shall I make you eternal monuments of my wrath, as Admah, and as Zeboim! Mine heart is turned within me, and my repentings are kindled together. Ah! you have destroyed yourselves, but in me is your help. How long, you simple ones, will you love simplicity; and you scorners, delight in scorning; and ye fools, hate knowledge? Turn ye at my reproof; behold, I pour out my Spirit upon you, and make known my words unto you. Hear, O my people, and I will speak; I will testify against you: I am God, even thy God. And, as I live, saith the Lord, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that they should turn and live; turn ye, turn ye; why will ye die? What is a man profited if he gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or, what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? In my own, and my Father’s name, I beseech you to be reconciled unto God; for he hath made me, who knew no sin, to be sin; to be a curse for you, that you might be made the righteousness of God, and for ever blessed with all spiritual blessings in me. God so loved the world that he gave me, his only-begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in me, might not perish, but have everlasting life. He hath sanctified, sealed, and sent me into the world, to seek and to save that which was lost: hath sent me forth in the likeness of sinful flesh, that I might give my life a ransom for many; hath sent me, a Saviour, and a great one, to deliver you — to give you repentance and remission of sins, and
bless you in destroying the works of the devil, and turning every one of you from his iniquities; hath given me for a covenant to the people, a light unto the Gentiles, and his salvation to the ends of the earth. Having loved you with an everlasting love, I, from eternity, covenanted for you as your surety, and undertook to pay all your infinite debt to an offended God. In the fulness of time I became your brother, born for your adversity — God in your nature, as well as on your side. In your stead I myself bore your sins, and all the curses, punishment, and death, due to them; finished transgression, and made an end of sin; and fulfilled all righteousness required by the broken law; nay, magnified the law, and made it honourable. Having thus loved you, and given myself for you to God as a sacrifice of a sweet-smelling savour, a propitiation for the sins of the world, I was raised again for your justification, ascended up on high, and received gifts for men; yea, for the rebellious also, that the Lord God might dwell among them; had all things, all power in heaven and earth, delivered unto me of my Father, that I might give eternal life to as many as I will; was exalted to his right hand, that, by continual intercession, I might be able to save to the uttermost all them that come unto God by me. Let, therefore, all this multitude know assuredly, that God hath made me, Jesus, whom ye have despised and crucified, both Lord and Christ; that I am made of God unto you, ignorant, guilty, polluted, and enslaved sinners, wisdom and righteousness, sanctification and redemption, that ye may be saved in me with an everlasting salvation. Look therefore unto me, and be ye saved from every plague and misery, and to every form or degree of true happiness, in time or eternity; for I am God, and there is none else; a just God and a Saviour; there is none beside me; no salvation in any other — no other name under heaven given among men by which you can be saved. Incline your ear and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make with you an everlasting covenant, even the sure mercies of David; abundant pardon and acceptance through my blood; adoption into my family; newness of heart, in conformity to my image; comfort in fellowship with me; and God himself as your God. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. My son, give me thy heart. If any man thirst, have any need, let him come unto me, and I will give him to drink of that water, which shall be in him a well springing up unto everlasting life. If any man hear my voice, I will give to him eternal life, and he shall never perish, nor shall any be able to pluck him out of mine or my Father’s hand. For this is the will of him that sent me, that every one that seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life. All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out. Now is the accepted time; now is the day of salvation. Harden not your hearts. How shall ye escape if ye
neglect so great salvation! if ye tread under foot the Son of God, and count the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and do despite unto the Spirit of grace!”
He pronounced these, and many other like words, with such amazing earnestness, power, and life, that multitudes, even of those that had most heartily voted for Beelzebub, recanted, and, with great melting of heart, cried out, Behold, we come unto thee, for 44 thou art the Lord our God: — God my Saviour — my master — my Lord and my God! O Lord, our God! other lords beside thee have had dominion over us; but by thee only will we make mention of thy name. This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. Thine I am, O Jesus, and on thy side, thou Son of God! Blessed be he that cometh in the name of the Lord to save us; Hosanna to the Son of David! Hosanna in the highest!”
Beelzebub, nevertheless, attempted to support himself by his numbers: but, his cause being tried, it was found that all the fair and legal votes were for Jesus Christ. And Beelzebub, and all his obstinate adherents, were, for their villanies, committed to perpetual imprisonment, in a lake which burns with fire and brimstone, where they have no rest day nor night, but are tormented in the presence of the holy angels, and of the Lamb.