A Sore-Vexed Soul Delivered

“A wounded spirit who can bear?” My heart knoweth its own bitterness, but strangers do not intermeddle with my joy. Lately I lay in the belly of hell. My soul was sore vexed, and sunk in deep waters where there was no standing, in an horrible pit and miry clay indeed. (1.) My mind was fearfully overwhelmed with continual thoughts of the holiness, equity, and majesty of God; Psalm lxxxvii. 3. (2.) I looked on God as mine inveterate enemy, intending my hurt in all that he did or said. As I had rebelled and vexed his Holy Spirit, I suspected that he fought against me; Isa. lxiii. 10; Lam. iii. 3 — 13. I apprehended his words, his works, as all breathing forth threatenings, curses, and slaughter, against me. I apprehended my life and my death, heaven and hell, as working together a far more exceeding and eternal weight of misery for me. (3.) All my evidences of former grace were utterly lost. I apprehended all my former experiences to have been delusions, or but common workings of the Holy Ghost; and all my religious exercise to have been but hypocritical dissimulation with God and men, Psalm lxxiii.; lxxxviii. 4; Lam. iii. 2; Hosea xi. 12. (4.) In the form and aggravations of my sin, and in the dreadful and long-continued hardness of my heart, I apprehended that I saw fearful tokens of my reprobation, sinning against the Holy Ghost, or outsinning my day of grace; Psalm lxxvii. 6 — 10; Gen. vi. 3; Rev. xxii. 11. (5.) Even my thoughts of Jesus Christ, and his great salvation, filled me with anguish; as I looked on them as for ever lost to me: nay, through my rejection of them, fearfully instru-LIFE AND REMAINS OF

mental of my eternal and unparalleled damnation; 2 Cor. ii. 16; iii. 14; iv. 3, 4; Rom. xi. 31, 32; 1 Pet. ii. 8; Heb. x. 26, 27, 29, 31; 2 Thess.

1. 7 — 9; Rev. i. 7. (6.) My thoughts, fixing on everything dreadful, drew terrors from every object, into every faculty of my soul, and filled them therewith; Job. vi. 4; Psalm lxxxviii. 15. (7.) Every view contributed to produce the most agonizing fears in my soul. I could not think of God, but as wrathful; of heaven and salvation, but as lost; of hell, but as infallibly secured; of my life, but as miserable, and ripening me for greater damnation; and of my death, but as an entrance into everlasting torment; Isa. xxiv. 17, 18; Heb. x. 26, 27. (8.) I lost all heart to pray for relief, and all life and ease of mind in essaying it; my thoughts were in such a confused hurry, or so unsettled, that I could scarce speak sense, or speak a word. This, together with the apprehension of the Lord’s rejecting my prayers, and turning them into sin, filled me with such sorrow as quite damped my soul, restrained all exercise of faith, hope, or love, spoiled my duties, and became so great that I could not vent it; Psalm lxxiv. 4; Job vi.

2, 3; x. 15 — 17; xxiii. 2. (9.) Hence my soul lost all patience, and raged like a wild bull in a net under my distress; Isa. Ii. 20; Job xviii. 4; Psalm xxxviii. 8; xxii. 1. (10.) Having lost all views of either the probability or possibility of my deliverance, I considered the intermissions of my agony, as but a breathing to prepare me for new racking and torture; Psalm lxxvii. 6 — 10. (11.) Satan beinglet loose upon me, exercised his malice and cruelty to the very uttermost, and improved every thing, present or future, in heaven, earth, and hell, as instruments of his torture. Ah, the vile, the blasphemous, the horrible, the dreadful suggestions, he violently threw into my soul! 2 Cor. xii. 7; Psalm cix. 6; Luke ix. 39 — 42. (12.) My despair became exceeding deep, fixed, and dreadful; Ezek. xxxvii. 11; Jer. ii. 25; Psalm lxxvii. 7 — 10; Acts xxvii. 20. (13.) I considered my present troubles as a certain and dreadful earnest, if not immediate introduction into everlasting misery; Isa. xxxiii. 14. (14.) All comparison of my soul’s present condition, with that which it had been, or with that of others, did but add to my anguish; Job xxix. 2 — 5; “Psalm xlii. 3,4. (15.) While my apprehension of the infernal torments were so dreadful, that I was afraid to sleep lest I should have awakened amidst them, my inward torments were so insupportable, that I indulged an aversion at the continuance of my life, and an anxiety to know what would be the worst of my misery in hell, — which Satan violently improved in tempting me to murder myself; Job vi. 8, 9; vii. 3, 4, 14, J5; x. 1; iii. 20, 23, 24. (16.) Hence I could not refrain from, nay even indulged, outrageous expressions against the Lord and his dealings with me; 2 Kings ii. 33; Job iii. 6, 10; Psalm lxxiii. 2 — 13; lxxvii. 4 — 10; lxxxviii. 2 — 18; Isa. xlix, 14; Jer. xxv. 7 — 18.

But, after weeping had endured for a night, joy came in the morning. By his sovereign, gracious return to my soul, (1.) The Lord made Satan to leave me, and flee off; Luke ix. 42; Rom. xvi 20; Gen. iii. 15; and even before he went off, gave me strength to resist him; 2 Cor. xii. 9; 1 Cor. x. 13; Isa. lix. 29 — 31. (2.) He commanded such a calm in my mind, that I could attentively listen to his words; Psalm xlvi. 10; lxv. 7; cvii. 29. (3.) He spoke home his gracious declarations and promises to my heart, with such pointed power, light, and life, that every sentence appeared exactly formed for me, and pleasantly penetrated to the very centre of my soul; particularly Isa. i. 18; xl. 1, 2; xliii. 25; xlv. 22; xlix. 15, 16, 24 — 26; Kv. 1 — 17; Mi. 15 — 20; Ezek. xxxvi. 25 — 29; Hos. xiv. 4. (4.) By these words he conveyed into the respective powers of my soul such abundant pardon, peace, light, life, liberty, health, strength, and holiness, as made it, which had been so long like a very hell of wickedness and misery, a meet habitation for himself by the Spirit; Isa. 1. 4; John vi. 63; Luke v. 17; 1 Thess. i. 5; ii. 13. (5.) Hence my inward graces revived as the corn. My spiritual knowledge, faith, hope, love, and repentance, were quickened, excited, and enabled to make a proper improvement of his words to, and gracious work on, me; John i. 16; Psalm xxxviii. 3; cxix. 50; Eph. i. 17 — 19; iii. 16 — 19; Phil. i. 1 — 19; iv. 13, 19; Col. i. 9 — 11. (6.) Hereon my soul was filled, and even ravished, with peace and joy in believing. I thought that though I had been a thousand years in hell, all my torment and sorrow were fully over-balanced with the abundant consolations of Christ; 1 Pet. i. 8; Rom. xv. 13; v. 1 — 5, 11; 2 Cor. i. 3 — 7. I saw that, in all my former affliction, the Lord had been but enlarging and seasoning my soul for an amazing, an eternal fill, of all thy fulness of God as my exceeding joy. O how my heart heaved in joy, and my lips burst in praise! Not a song in all the bible but I could sing with sweet application to myself, particularly Psalms xxxiv. 1 — 8; xxiii. 1 — 6; xviii., iii., cxvi», cxviii., cxlv., cxlvi., cxlviii., cxxxviii.; Isa. xii., xxv., liii. 7; Psalm xl. 1 — 5. (7.) Being thus constrained by the love of Christ and his Father and blessed Spirit, in making such unparalleled stretches of mercy towards me, I was led out in a most earnest activity in running the way of his commandments. I was sweetly nonplussed how to get enough of fellowship with him in his ordinances, and how I might best honour him in the way of holy obedience. My viewing of his law as the commandments of my God, had the force of ten thousand motives on my heart; 2 Cor. 14, 15; Psalm cxix. 32,, 115; cxvi. 12, 16; 1 John iv. 9, 10, 19. (8.) While I clearly perceived my eternal happiness founded in the infinite grace of God, and surety-righteousness of Christ, and no more on my best works than on my worst, it gave me inexpressible pleasure that, in a little time, I should be as near m 2

him, and as like to him, and as perfect in love to him, as my heart could wish; and I was led out to great diligence in duty, not to purchase heaven, but to prepare me for receiving it, as the free gift of God through Jesus Christ my Lord.

Let me, from experience, beseech you distressed souls, (1.) Labour to avoid all expressions that can dishonour God, or discourage others from following Christ; Psalm xxxix, 1. (2.) In your distress, earnestly attend to every point of duty, whether spiritual or temporal; Isa. bdv. 5. (3.) Deal much in searching your heart and way in order to pour out your confessions and complaints before the Lord; Lam. iii. 40. But it is not safe for you to examine yourself, in order to discover your spiritual state, while you are overwhelmed with trouble. (4.) It is very proper for you to reveal your case to some experienced minister or Christian; but, above all, deal much in pouring out your heart to God; Psalm lxii. 8; cii.; cxliii. (5.) Meditate much on the infinite worth of Christ’s blood to overbalance all your sinfulness, and on the infinite power of God’s grace and mercy to relieve you; 1 John i. 7, and ii. 1,2; Mic. vii. 18, 19. (6.) Labour earnestly to apply closely to your own soul and case, the gracious promises of the gospel; particularly those which suit the very worst of sinners, and worst of cases, on this side hell. Such promises as Satan, and your own unbelieving heart, can least pretend to be above your reach, as Isa. xli. 17, 18; xliii. 24, 25; Matt. ix. 13; xviii. 11; Luke xix. 10; 1 Tim. i. 15.