Ethics of Marriage and Home Life
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children, lest they be discouraged. Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eye-service as men-pleasers, but in singleness of heart, fearing God.” — Col. hi: 18-22.
IN THE COAST of England there is a gushing fresh-water fountain which twice every twenty-four hours is covered by the incoming tide, but no salt water ever enters it. It purifies the surrounding elements without receiving any contamination. This fountain is a good symbol of the ideal christian home, which sends out into society its purifying influences, while it receives into itself nothing of evil.
Marriage is, of course, the basis of the home. Unmarried people may establish a house, and it is home by sacred association, for they carry with them into it the the basis memories of their childhood; but without of the home marriage the ideal home cannot be realized. Paul refused to marry because of the “present distress,” but he claimed that he had the right to do so and lead about a wife as the Apostle Peter did. And there are those to-day who deny themselves the pleasure of home life because they are married to duty. I knew a christian man who for twenty years was married to his mother. He lived for her happiness, he ministered to all her needs; but when she died he chose a wife and now lives in a happy home. I knew another man who in early life was married to nine sisters. He shared with them his income until they were educated and became self-sustaining, then he married a christian woman and is now happy in the midst of his family. There are men and women who are married to Christ and the church, and yet, if they so desire, they have the right of marriage and the happiness of home life. There is no biblical authority for forbidding to marry. It is a matter of choice. There is no ecclesiastical position in which marriage may not be helpful. Motherhood is as holy as maidenhood, and fatherhood as bachelorhood. Nothing on earth exceeds in sacredness the sanctity of the home life and the relation between the members of the family. Of course there are some who, on account of physical infirmity or hereditary disease, should not marry, “but marriage is honorable in all.”
As to when one should marry, each case must be decided on its own merits. The Pagan custom of child marriages, however, should not be tolerated in christian countries. There should be maturity of body and mind.
As to how one should marry, that is also an open question. It may be in the home or the church or the grove, as taste may dictate; it may be private or public, but ought never to be secret. The fashionable fad of marrying in secret, and after months have intervened informing friends of the marriage, has in it the seeds of future sorrow.
The reasons for marrying are various. It is sometimes a purely commercial transaction. People marry for what they can get, and such a marriage is almost certain to result in unhappiness. And if we marry with the selfish hope of securing a husband or a wife who will make us happier in life, we are apt to be disappointed. But if it is our purpose in marriage to make another happy, we cannot fail to be happy ourselves.
Selfishness always carries with it the conditions of misery.
Let it be understood that marriage is for life and fewer mistakes will be made. Easy divorce leads people to enter into marriage without due consideration, and A life this prepares the way for the wreck of happicontract ness# u The wife is bound by the law so long as her husband liveth,” not so long as he keeps sober or remains congenial. “What God hath joined together let not man put asunder.” There is only one sin that is equal to death, and even when the awful crime of adultery has broken the marriage tie there may be no obligation to remarry, and in most cases it is best to remain unmarried. Certainly there is no other condition in which remarriage has biblical sanction.
This does not mean that there may not be separation for other reasons. The wife is not called upon to live with a drunken husband and endure brutal treatment. Even incompatibility of temperament may make it desirable to live apart, though if there be children it is better for their sakes to suffer than to separate. But separation for other reasons than adultery does not give even the innocent party liberty to marry again while both are living. To do so, according to the teaching of Jesus, is to commit adultery. It has been asserted that there are more polygamists in New England than in Utah, and I fear that there is truth in the assertion, for I have been requested to marry more divorced people during my two years’ residence in Boston than during any twenty years of my previous ministry. And a pastor of a large and influential Boston church informs me that he is called upon to marry divorced people, on an average, about once a week. One man, who looked like a well-to-do man of business, confessed to me that he already had two living wives. My surprise prompted
me to say that the third woman was taking great risks
and he ought to be more considerate. But he could see
no harm in marrying three living women, simmormons J fe to ’
compel ply because the law of the State permitted it. The proper place for him is Salt Lake City, for the Mormons compel such a fellow to support his concubines, and New England, by its loose divorce laws, relieves him of that burden. On another occasion a large envelope was handed me while I was standing in front of a couple ready to begin the ceremony. Opening it, that I might see the license and learn their names, I was rather startled to find divorce papers with the license, and the only cause was drunkenness. Confessing my embarrassment, I informed them that I could not marry them. 64 It is legal and all right, “answered the man. “Yes,” I replied, “but my lawgiver is Jesus Christ and He plainly teaches that only one cause of divorce makes remarriage permissible.” So as cheerfully as I could I shook hands all round and bade them good-bye. All of which goes to prove that pastors should instruct their people in the teaching of the New Testament concerning marriage, that the young may grow up with biblical views on this vital subject.
There are six codes of ethics which have to do with marriage and the home. The first is the wife’s code, and we have it in the text, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” This is an echo of the words in Ephesians v: 22, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord; for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.” Every home must have a head, and a two-headed creature is a monster. The Bible plainly teaches that the husband is the normal head of the household. Of course, if the head is diseased, the other members of the body must get along the best they can; and there is as much fact as wit in the saying that, while the husband is the head, the wife is the neck that turns the head in any direction she may choose. Certainly, there is no conflict between head and neck and hand when the body is in a thoroughly healthy condition. But the head is the seat of authority when authority is needed. u Likewise, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands.” (I Peter iii: i.) The woman who is unwilling that a man should be at the head of her household should not get married, and every woman ought to be careful to select such a man as she will be proud to have at the head of the family. It also behooves the husband to be such a man that a self-respecting woman may feel honored in giving to him the leadership of the household.
Next in order, if not in importance, is the husband’s code, which we have in the words: “Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them.” And this, also, is an echo of the words in Ephesians v: 25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.” As we compare this with the injunctions to the wife we see that mutuality is the law of the family. It is the nature of love to serve and obey. If the husband loves the wife as he should and the wife loves the husband as she should there can be no clash of authority. Each will delight to serve the other, and there will be mutual obedience in the ministry of love. u As the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” That is a high standard for the wife, but the standard for the husband is even higher when he is told to “love his wife even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.” His is the mission of love, which gives itself and does not demand servile subjection. With such love in his heart it is easy for the husband to obey the second command: u Dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel.” Remember that weakness does not imply inferiority. The weaker may be the finer in texture. The vessel of porcelain or gold may not be so strong as the vessel of iron or brass, but its quality is superior. So the husband in his strength is to give honor to the wife in the weakness which may carry with it superiority. In this age of club life it may be well to emphasize the word “dwell.” The husband is admonished to “dwell” with his wife. His business may carry him away from home, and sometimes the missionary is prompted by conscientious reasons to separate himself from his wife, with an ocean between them. The evangelist may be compelled to leave the wife at home as he goes out into the destitute sections to preach the gospel. But the heart of the true husband dwells with the wife at home, and when duty does not otherwise demand he will be there in body also. Certain it is that the attractions of the club and the secret society should not take the husband away from the company of his wife and children in the home.
It may be well to remember that marriage does not at once produce perfection in character. If you thought that you were marrying a prince, you found afterwards demanding tnat he was a man. If the man thought that too much ke was marrying an angel, he also discovered that she was a woman. But, after all, it is more to be a man than a prince, or a woman than an angel. There will be room for patience and sympathy in the adjustments of life. A good wife said that she and her husband were always happy because they kept in their home two animals which she named “Bear” and “Forbear.” Now and then a man is found who is charitable toward the faults of friends and very critical of his wife. He demands of her more than imperfect human nature can give, and she may make the same demands of him* The ancient legend declares that Pygmalion conceived an ideal of a perfect woman, and the gods created Galatea, who was the realization of his ideal, and gave her to him. But the legend of Pygmalion is not often realized in actual life. A book which I read years ago, “How to be Happy though Married,” had some useful suggestions. The mutuality of grace will supply every defect and make the home what it ought to be. The apostle says that husband and wife are “heirs together of the grace of life.” If this grace of life dwell richly in the heart of each, harmony and happiness cannot fail to result, and the home will be like the rose of Jericho, of which I recently read. It flourishes in the desert and can grow even upon the rock, and it comes nearer being independent of environment than any other plant with which I am acquainted. Let love rule in the home, and it will be a rose of Jericho even in a desert of destitution.
Charles Wesley beautifully expresses the ideal relation of husband and wife:
“Not from his head was woman took,
As made her husband to overlook;
Not from his feet, as one designed
The footstool of the stronger kind;
But fashioned for himself a bride,
An equal, taken from his side:
Her place intended to maintain
The mate and glory of the man,
To rest as still beneath his arm,
Protected by her lord from harm,
And never from his heart removed
As only less than God beloved.”
The next code of ethics which makes the home what it
ought to be has to do with the parents, and in this code
there are two clauses, one negative, the other positive.
We are commanded not to provoke our children.-
THB
parents’ The phrase “to anger” is not in the original.
CODE
The word “provoke” has in it the idea of over stimulation. We are not to press our children to the point of breaking:. The strenuous life is not the best for childhood. The public school teacher who crams the child’s mind and would crush every personality into the same mould may learn a useful lesson from this principle. Let individualism have fair play, while the rights of others are respected. An unwise attempt to hasten the growth of the child may result in injury. A naturalist very fond of the “Emperor Moth,” which is beautiful of wing and form, gathered a number of cocoons and watched their development. A very large one attracted his attention, and when the moth began to appear he was anxious to liberate it from its prison. Taking his sharp knife he cut the cocoon, thinking that he would help the insect into liberty. But his unwise haste was its death; it fell to the ground unable to fly. Its body needed the slow process of extrication. And so, in seeking to develop our children too rapidly in mind or body we may inflict permanent injury.
The positive clause of the parents’ code is in Ephesians vi: 4, “Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” This implies the new birth and is an echo of the words of Solomon in Proverbs xxii: 6, u Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” These words might be translated “train up a child according to his bent.” If you cultivate him along the line of the trend of his nature, he will become fixed in that trend when he on
Ethics of Marriage and Home Life
Teaches mature life and will not depart from it. The mew birth gives the spiritual trend, and if we train up our children according to this new nature they will never depart from it. Even some professing christians are willing that their children should grow up as worldlings and enjoy for a while what they call the pleasures of life before they become earnest christians. Such parents have not tasted the joy of real spiritual service or they would wish their children to share such joy with them. It is a Mohammedan custom to speak into the ear of the new-born child some words from the Koran, and in this expression u train up” there is the thought of infancy. The original means “rub the gullet,” referring to an ancient custom of rubbing the throat of infancy with oil and blood. Whatever else it may mean, it certainly enforces the obligation to begin the christian training of our children in their earliest years. Jesus said, u Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not.” The child that is old enough to love and obey the parent is old enough to love and obey God. Christ is worthy not only that the soul of the child should be given him, but the life as well, and the conversion of a child means the soul and life for time and eternity.
A man in Connecticut who had been saved at sixty years of age, while he was dying exclaimed, “Lost, lost, forever lost!” and when the pastor, rushing to his bedside, expressed his surprise at such an exclamation, for he had just given assurance that he was trusting in Christ for salvation, the man replied, “Oh, yes, my soul is saved, but fifty years of life are lost forever.” Every parent should strive to give to his child a better experience than that. If he is won to the Saviour in childhood, when he comes to die he can look back upon a life worthily spent while he looks forward to a blissful eternity.
Now comes the child’s code, which has in it the two great words “obey” and “honor.” The text says, “Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is the CHILD’S we pleasing unto the Lord.” And this code word “obey” is the same that is used in
Acts when Rhoda went to the door and listened for the voice of Peter on the outside. It means that you are not only to submit to the authority of parents, but look and listen for their slightest wish. Strive to please them. Do their will so far as you know it unless it contradicts the will of God, whose authority alone is superior to that of the parent. And the word “honor” carries with it even more than this word “obey.” “Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the earth.” The first command with a promise. Your parents may not be in their tastes and grammar just what you are. They gave you a better education than they received, but you need not be ashamed of their quaint ways and ungrammatical expressions. Give them the place of honor in your heart and home. And this does not refer to the period of childhood only, but in relation to our parents we are to be children all our lives.
In many homes there is need of the servant’s code, and in this, as revealed in the New Testament, two words express its meaning — “obey” and “please.” servant’s u Servants, obey in all things your masters CODE according to the flesh, and whatsoever ye do,
do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance, for ye serve the Lord Christ.” This obedience is not to be with eye-service, striving only to please
^^^■^■^■■■^■■^^^HBiunrcnj
Ethics of Marriage and Home Life
men, but u in singleness of heart, fearing God.” j.^ slave without liberty of body may have great liberty of soul. He is a free man in Christ Jesus. His daily service is ennobled by the thought that in faithfully performing it he is pleasing Christ and receiving His “Well done!” And the servant who faithfully ministers in the home, doing heartily and cheerfully the duties of the day, will receive a greater reward than the millionaire who seeks the promotion of some great enterprise, prompted by selfish motives. The reward will come from the Lord. Indeed, God does not count the bigness of the sphere, but the faithfulness with which we fill it.
Linked with this is the master’s code, which has in it three emphatic words — “do,” “forbear” “give.” “And ye, masters, do the same things unto them.” Which means that as servants are to obey their masters, performing their duties in singleness of heart, as unto Christ, serving the Lord in serving men, so masters are to obey the higher law of humanity in serving their servants, doing good unto them, and thus pleasing God while they uplift humanity. Masters are to u forbear threatening, knowing that your Master also is in heaven; neither is there respect of persons with Him.” Self-restraint and patience are needed by the master as much as by the servant. And the final injunction is, “Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal, knowing that ye also have a Master in heaven.” Deal justly and fairly with all; remember that they are human beings with sensitive spirits and immortal souls. Be unto them just what you think the Lord Jesus would be, if he were in your place, and in serving your servants in the higher sense you are faithfully serving the Master in heaven.
We cannot receive from this subject the best that is in it unless we apply its principles to God and ourselves. God is our husband. We who trust in Christ are His bride. He gives us His name. He supplies our needs. the higher We share with him His dignity and glory, realm anj we are to kg careful that we bring not
reproach upon His name. God is our father, and we may depend upon His wisdom for guidance and helpfulness. During the battle of Crecy the uBlack Prince” led the charge, while his father stood on an adjacent hilltop and wTatched the conflict. The father had told the prince that he would send to him reinforcements whenever he saw that they were needed. And in the thick of the fight the prince felt more than once that the time for reinforcements had arrived, but they never came. The father general, in his superior wisdom, knew that they were not needed, and left his son to fight the battle that he might have the honor of the more glorious victory. Many times in life’s conflict we feel our limitations, and we wonder that our Father does not give us immediate relief; but He knows what is best. He gives us just what is needed for our full development and complete victory.
The Lord is our Master, and His approval is our joy. When Rudolph of Vienna gave his great Symphony we are told that the people pressed around him at the close, offering their congratulations, but he received them coldly. There seemed to be something weighing upon his mind. When, however, the master musician who had trained him approached and said that the symphony was a great success, the face of Rudolph lighted up and the smile indicated that he was pleased. The approval of the master was more to him than the applause of the multitude. And so when wre hear in our inner consciousness the voice of God — ;4 Well done! M — we have a foretaste of heaven.
K?fJifl
Ethics of Marriage a?zd Home Life
The blessings of the home life, however, are not without their dangers. One may become satisfied with the love of wife and child without the love of God. It is sometimes said of a prosperous business man that he
DANGERS
loves his home, but he never goes to church. He is enjoying the gift of God without thanking the giver. All that home, with wife and mother and child, means to-day we owe to Christ, and the man who enjoys the home life without the recognition of Jesus is, to say the least, ungrateful. It is just possible for us, like Adam, to hide ourselves from the Lord of the garden in the luxuriance of the garden of the Lord. We allow the very blessings He gives us to separate us from himself. A wealthy man built a beautiful home on the side of a mountain in Colorado. He selected the spot because of the magnificent landscape which spread out before him. The golden sunsets were glorious. But he planted around his house many trees, with vines, and after a few years the trees and vines had shut out the landscape and the golden sunsets. His improvement of the home took away from him the larger view. And thus it is possible for us to shut ourselves within the shady nook of home life and allow it to cut off the view of our eternal home. That which gives us great pleasure may also bring unutterable pain. The joys of home make possible its deepest sorrows. The happy home is many a time broken up by death or calamity. And yet the home is never destroyed; it goes with us in our hearts wherever we may wander. He may allow the earthly home to be darkened or broken up that He may bring in view the home on which shadows never fall. A farmer noticed that two robins were building their nests in a pile of brush which he knew was to be burned in a few days. The robins seemed to think that it was very cruel in him to tear away the nest they had built, but it was real kindness on his part.
And yet, whatever calamity may come, the christian home is really immortal. The Indians of a certain tribe had a beautiful legend which declared that when the Indian flowers of the field began to fade their colors legend were caught up into the rainbow on the cloud, so that when they gazed at the rainbow they saw the flowers that had disappeared. So in the Father’s house, which Christ has gone to prepare, we can see by faith all the beauties of the earthly home, and when death comes it will be simply a home-going. No wonder the christian now and then becomes home-sick for heaven. The loved ones who made the home happy here are now over there, and I would appeal to everyone who has not this home feeling toward heaven that they seek it through. Jesus Christ.
It is said that John Howard Payne, who wrote
“Home, Sweet Home,” never knew what it was to have
a home — he was a homeless wanderer over the earth.
“home, One nignt? sitting on the steps of a home
sweet home” jn a great he gaw a jjght trough a
window and heard merry laughter and sweet music. A& he sat there the words of “Home, Sweet Home” came to his mind, and he penned them that very night. Years afterward Mr. Payne visited the same city, and as he walked down the street after dark, remembering the. writing of his hymn, he went over and sat upon fche* same steps, meditating upon the past. While he sat; there the same window was lighted. He heard the notes of the piano, and out into the night came floatinghis own words with the familiar melody, “Home, Sweet Home.” He put his face in his hands and wept as he thought how he had made other homes happy while not permitted to enjoy the happiness of a home himself.
Now suppose the owner of that beautiful home had come to the door and said, “Mr. Payne, come in and enjoy with us this home, with all its beauty and music. You may have it if you will.” Would he refuse the offer and go out again to wander through the earth? Certainly he would express his appreciation and gratitude.
Something like this God does through Jesus Christ. He stands in the door of heaven and invites us to come in and enjoy its purity, its service, its music, its love. You will not refuse to accept! I plead with you in the name of Jesus, whose death on the cross purchased this home and whose righteousness makes it glorious, that you will accept the invitation, and make the preparation that will fit you for its enjoyment.