The Domestic Constitution, and the Mutual Duties of Husbands and Wives
“By thee
Founded in reason, loyal, just and pure, Relations dear, and all the charities Of Father, Son, and Brother, first were known. Far be it that I should write thee, sin or blame, Or think thee unbefitting holiest place,
Perpetual fountain of domestic sweets!” ‘MlLTON.
A family! How delightful the associations we form with such a word! How pleasing the images with which it crowds the mind, and how tender the emotions which it awakens in the heart! Who can wonder that domestic happiness should be a theme dear to poetry, and that it should have called forth some of the sweetest strains of fancy and. of feeling? Or who can be surprised, that of all the sweets which present themselves in the vista of futurity, to the eye of those who are setting out on the journey of life, this should excite the most ardent desires, and engage the most active pursuits? But alas! of those who in the ardor of youth, start for the possession of this dear prize, how many fail! And why? Because their imagination alone is engaged in the subject: they have no definite ideas of what it means, nor of the way in which it is to be obtained. It is
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a mere lovely creation of a romantic mind, and oftentimes with such persons, fades away,
“And like the baseless fabric of a vision, <c Leaves not a wreck behind.”
It may be of service, therefore, to lay open the sources of domestic happiness, and to show that these are to be found, not in the flowery regions of imagination, but amidst the sober realities of piety, chaste love, prudence, and well formed connexions. These precious springs are within the reach of all who wrill take the right path that leads to them: and this is the way of knowledge. We must make ourselves acquainted with the nature, designs, and importance of the family compact: we must analyse this union to ascertain its elements, its laws, and its purposes. Who can be a good member of any state, without knowing the nature of its constitution, and the laws by which it is directed? And it is equally vain to look for domestic happiness, without a clear insight into the ends and laws which Providence has laid down in the formation of the household.
In the discussions which have been agitated, to settle the question, as to the form of civil government best adapted to secure the welfare of the human race, the family constitution has been too much overlooked. Speculation has been indulged, and theories proposed by their respective authors, in reference to the greater aggregations of society, with all the confidence of oracular authority; while at the same time, it is evident they have forgotten, how much the well being of states is dependent on the well being of the families of which all states are composed. If there be any truth in the figure, by which a nation is compared to a pillar, we should recollect, that while individuals are the materials of which it is formed, it is the good condition of families that constitutes the cement which holds it together, and gives to its fine form, solidity and durability. Let this be wanting, and however inherently excellent the materials, however elegant the shape, however ornamented the base, the shaft, or the capital may be, it contains in itself a principle of decay, an active cause of dilapidation and ruin.
The domestic constitution is a divine institute. God formed it himself. He taketh the solitary, and setteth him in families; and like all the rest of his works, it is well and wisely done. It is, as a system of government, quite unique; neither below the heavens, nor above them, is there any thing precisely like it. In some respects it resembles the civil government of a state; in othersy the ecclesiastical rule of a church; and it is there that the church and the state may be said to meet. u This meeting, however, is only on a very small scale, and under very peculiar circumstances.” When directed as it should be, every family has a sacred character, inasmuch as the head of it acts the part of both the prophet and priest of the household, by instructing them in the knowledge, and leading them in the worship of God; while at the same time, he discharges the duties of a king, by supporting a system of order, subordination and disci- v pline. Conformably with its nature, is its design: beyond the benefit of the individuals which compose it, and which is its first and immediate object, it is intended to promote the welfare of the national community to which it belongs, and of which it is a part: hence every nation has stamped a great value on the family compact, and guarded it with the most powerful sanctions. Well instructed, well ordered, and well governed families, are the springs, which, from their retirements, send forth the tributary streams that make up by their confluence, the majestic flow of national greatness and prosperity: nor can any state be prosperous, where family order and subordination are generally neglected; nor
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otherwise than prosperous, whatever be its political form, where these are generally maintained. It is certainly under the wise instruction, and the impartial sceptre of a father, and within the little family circle, that the son becomes a good citizen; it is by the fire side and upon the family hearth, that loyalty and patriotism and every public virtue grows; as it is in disordered families, that factious demagogues, and turbulent rebels, and tyrannical oppressors, are trained up to be their neighbor’s torment, or their country’s scourge. It is there that the thorn and the briar, to use the elegant simile of the prophet, or the myrtle and the fir tree, are reared, which are in future time, to be the ornament and defence, or the deformity and misery of the land.
But has the domestic constitution a reference only to the present world and its perishable interests? By no means. All God’s arrangements for man, view him, and are chiefly intended for him, in his relation to eternity. The eye of Deity is upon that immortality to which he has destined the human race. “Every family has, in fact, a sacred character belonging to it, which may indeed, be forgotten or disdained; but the family is constituted, and ought, therefore, to be conducted with the prospect of the rising generation following that which precedes it, not only to the grave, but to eternity. “# Every member of every household is an immortal creature; every one that leaves the circle by death, goes into an eternity of torment or of bliss. Now since all the institutes of God look to another world as their chief and ultimate reference, surely, surely, that institute which is the most powerful of all, in the formation of character, must be considered as set up with a special intention to prepare the subjects of it for “glory, honor, immortality, and eternal life.”
*Anderson.
No one judges aright of this household compact, nor can any be in a capacity rightly to perform its duties, who does not consider this double relation which it bears to the state and to the church, and who does not view it as a preparatory system, for training up the good citizen and the real christian. And for these objects, how great is the power which it really possesses: how considerable is the mutual influence of husbands and wives, in moulding each others tastes, or modifying each others dispositions; of parents, in forming the character of their children and servants; and of brothers and sisters, in stimulating and guiding each others pursuits. The power of other constitutions is remote, occasional, and feeble; but this is close, constant, and mighty. With other systems, the character is only casually brought into contact; but this always touches us. We live, and move, and have our being, in the very centre of it. So powerful is the influence of this association on its members, that it has preserved them, by the blessing of God, in the possession of piety and morality, in times and places of the greatest corruption of manners. u On what vantage ground does the conscientious, christian parent here stand! The springs of public and social life may be greatly corrupted; the nation in which he dwells may degenerate into licentiousness, into idolatry, or into the most daring infidelity. Retiring then to this sacred inclosure, he may entrench himself, and there, lifting up a standard for God, either wait the approach of better days, or leave a few behind him, on whom the best blessings of those days will certainly descend. Though the heavens be shut up and there be no dew, the little enclosure which he cultivates, like the fleece of Gideon, will discover evident marks of the Divine favor. It actually seems as though in the wide scene, where the vices of the age, may, and can reign triumphant, this
IS
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were some secure and sacred retreat, into which they cannot, dare not enter.”*
It must be evident, however, that the great ends of the domestic economy cannot be kept in view, nor the moral power of it displayed, unless the heads of it rightly understand their duty, and have a disposition properly to perform it. They must be christians in reality, or no christian government can be maintained. Where religion is wanting as the basis of their union, these happy fruits of it cannot be expected. The inferior and secondary object may be accomplished in the absence of parental piety, though neither so certainly, nor so effectually; but as to the more sublime and permanent end of the family constitution, which connects its members with the church of God on earth, and the company of the redeemed in heaven, this cannot be looked for, where the father and the mother are destitute of true religion. Oh, how many interesting households are to be found, where all the mere social virtues are cultivated with assiduity, where the domestic charities all flourish, and public excellence is cherished, but which, on account of the want of vital godliness, are still losing the highest end of their union, and carrying on no preparatory course of education for the skies, and are destined to be swept away with the wreck of the nations that know not God, and the wicked who shall be turned into hell. Alas, alas! that from such sweet scenes, such lovely retreats of connubial love and domestic peace, to which learning, science, wealth, elegance, have been admitted, religion should be excluded; and that while many wise and interesting guests are continually welcomed to the house, He only should
*Mr. Anderson, in support and illustration of this beautiful sentiment, brings forward the families of the Kenites, and the Rechabites, whose history he traces, and shews it to be like a pure and vigorous stream, urging its course through a turbid lake, with the waters of which it refuses to blend, and maintaining its own characteristic, amidst surrounding impurity. be refused, who blessed the little family of Bethany; who, wherever he goes, carries salvation in his train, and gives immortality to the joys which would otherwise perish for ever.
Precious, indeed, are the joys of a happy family; but, oh, how fleet! How soon must the circle be broken up, how suddenly may it be! What scenes of delight, resembling gay visions of fairy bliss, have all been unexpectedly wrapt in shadow and gloom, by misfortune, by sickness, by death. The last enemy has entered the paradise, and by expelling one of its tenants, has embittered the scene to the rest; the ravages of death have been in some cases followed by the desolations of poverty, and they who once dwelt together in the happy enclosure, have been separated and scattered to meet no more. But religion, true religion, if it be possessed, will gather them together again, after this destruction of their earthly ties, and conduct them to another paradise, into which no calamity shall enter, and from which, no joy shall ever depart.
Happy then would it be, for all who stand related by these household ties, if the bonds of nature were hallowed and rendered permanent by those of divine grace. To found our union on any basis wdiich does not contain religion in its formation, is to erect it on a quicksand, and to expose it to the fury of a thousand billows, each of which may overturn the fabric of our comfort in a moment: but to rest it upon religion, is to found it upon a rock, where Ave shall individually still find a refuge, when the nearest and the dearest relations are swept away by the tide of dissolution.
It is a pleasing reflection, that the domestic constitution depends not for its existence, its laws, its right administration, or its rich advantages, either upon family possessions, or the forms of national policy. It may live and flourish in all its tender charities, and all its sweet felicities, and all its
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moral power, in the cottage as well as in the mansion; under the shadow of liberty, and even under the scorching heat of tyranny. Like the church of which it is in some respects the emblem, it accommodates itself to every changing form of surrounding society, to every nation and to every age. Forming with the church the only two institutions ever set up by God, as to their framework; like its kindred institute, it remains amidst the ruins of the fall, the lapse of ages, and the changes of human affairs, the monument of what has been, the standing prediction of what shall be. Tyrants that crush the liberties of a state, cannot destroy the constitution of a family: and even persecutors that silence the preacher, and scatter the congregation, cannot hush the voice of parental instruction, or extinguish parental influence. Religion, hunted and driven by human power from the place of public concourse, would still find a retreat, as it often has done under such circumstances, in the household of faith; and there would keep alive upon the family altar, that holy fire, with which the sacrifices of the temple, under happier auspices, shall be offered. Neither families nor the church of the redeemed, shall ever be entirely lost, whatever changes the world may yet have to pass through: “but blessing and being blest, will of themselves alone one day introduce the millennium.”*
To all, therefore, who are united in the bonds of this relationship, I offer the consideration of these pages; which prescribe duties, and present advantages, belonging alike to all. Domestic happiness, in many respects, resembles the manna which was granted to the Israelites in the wilderness; like that precious food, it is the gift of God which cometh down from heaven; it is not to be purchased with money; it is dispensed alike to the rich and to the poor, and accommodates itself to every taste; it is
* See Anderson and B wight.
given with an abundance that meets the wants of all who desire it; to be obtained, it must be religiouslysought in God’s own way of bestowing it; and is granted to man as a refreshment during his pilgrimage through this wilderness, to the celestial Canaan.
Marriage is the foundation op the domestic constitution: this, says the apostle, “is honorable in all and he has condemned, as ua doctrine of devils,” the opinions of those by whom it is forbidden. It is an institute of God, was established in Eden, was honored by the personal attendance of Christ, and furnished an occasion for the first of that splendid series of miracles, by which he proved himself to be the Son of God, and the Saviour of the world. But there is another mark of distinction put upon it by the Holy Ghost, where it is said, “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.” Eph. v. 32. Many commentators, I am aware, consider the term mystery as having no allusion to the nuptial tie, but as applying exclusively to the union of Christ and the church. If this be the case, it seems difficult to account for the introduction of this union at all, or to explain what bearing it has upon the subject in hand. Besides, the two-fold reference to the mediatorial undertaking of Christ, which is made by the apostle, when he enforces the duties of husband and wife, seems to confirm the opinion, that he represents the conjugal union, as a type or symbol of the close and endearing relation in which the church stands to its divine Redeemer. Nothing can throw a higher sanctity over this connexion, nor invest it with greater honor, than such a view of it. Distinguishing, as it does, man from brutes; providing not only for the continuance, but for the comfort of our species; containing at once, the source of human happiness, and of all those virtuous emotions and generous sensibilities, which refine and adorn the character
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of man, it can never as a general subject be guarded with too much solicitous vigilance, nor be contracted, in particular instances, with too much prudence and care.
In proportion to the importance of the connexion itself, must be a right view and a due performance of the obligations arising out of it.
First. There are duties common to both
PARTIES.
Secondly. There are duties more particularly ENJOINED UPON EACH.
My first object will be to state those duties
WHICH ARE COMMON TO BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE.
I. The first which I mention, and which is the ground of all the rest, is love.
Let this be wanting, and marriage is degraded at once into a brutal or a sordid compact. This duty, which, though for reasons which we shall consider in due place, is especially enjoined on the husband, belongs equally to the wife. It must be mutual, or there can be no happiness; none for the party which does not love, for how dreadful the idea of being chained for life to an individual for whom we have no affection; to be almost ever in the company of a person from whom we are driven back by revulsion, yet driven back upon a bond which prevents all separation and escape; nor can there be any happiness for the party that does love; such an unrequited affection must soon expire, or live only to consume that wretched heart in which it burns. A married couple without mutual regard, is one of the most pitiable spectacles on earth. They cannot, and, indeed, in ordinary circumstances, ought not to separate, and yet they remain united only to be a torment to each other. They serve one important purpose, however, in the history of mankind, and that is, to be a beacon to all who are yet disengaged, to warn them against the sin and folly of forming this union, upon any other basis than that of a pure and mutual attachment; and to admonish all that are so united, to watch with most assiduous vigilance their mutual regard, that nothing be allowed to damp the sacred flame.
As the union should be formed on the basis of love, so should great care be taken, especially in the early stages of it, that nothing might arise to unsettle or loosen our attachments. Whatever knowledge we may obtain of each others tastes and habits before marriage, it is neither so accurate, so comprehensive, nor so impressive, as that which we acquire by living together; and it is of prodigious consequence, that when little defects are first noticed, and trivial faults and oppositions first occur, they should not be allowed to produce an unfavorable impression upon the mind. The remarks of Bishop Jeremy Taylor in his inimitably beautiful sermon, entitled, 14 The Marriage Ring,” are so much in point, that I shall introduce a long extract in reference to this idea.
“Man and wife are equally concerned to avoid all offences of each other in the beginning of their conversation; every little thing can blast an infant blossom; and the breath of the south can shake the little rings of the vine, when first they begin to curl like the locks of a new weaned boy; but when by age and consolidation they stiffen into the hardness of a stem, and have by the warm rays of the sun, and the kisses of heaven, brought forth their clusters, they can endure the storms of the north, and the loud noises of a tempest, and yet never be broken: so are the early unions of an unfixed marriage; watchful and observant, jealous and busy, inquisitive and careful, and apt to take alarm at every unkind word. For infirmities do not manifest themselves in the first scenes, but in the succession of a long society; and it is not chance or weakness when it appears at first, but it is want of love or prudence, or it will be so expounded; and that
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which appears ill at first, usually affrights the inexperienced man or woman, who makes unequal conjectures, and fancies mighty sorrows by the proportions of the new and early unkindness. It is a very great passion, or a huge folly, or a certain want of love, that cannot preserve the colors and beauties of kindness, so long as public honesty requires a man to wear their sorrows for the death of a friend. Plutarch compares a new marriage to a vessel before the hoops are on, every thing dissolves its tender compaginations; but when the joints are stiffened and are tied by a firm compliance and proportioned bending, scarcely can it be dissolved without fire, or the violence of iron. After the hearts of the man and the wife are endeared and hardened by a mutual confidence and experience, longer than artifice and pretence can last, there are a great many remembrances, and some things present, that dash all little unkindnesses in pieces.
C£ Let man and wife be careful to stifle little things, that as fast as they spring, they be cut down and trod upon; for if they be suffered to grow by numbers, they make the spirit peevish, and the society troublesome, and the affections loose and uneasy by an habitual aversation. Some men are more vexed with a fly than with a wound; and when the gnats disturb our sleep, and the reason is disquieted, but not perfectly awakened, it is often, seen that he is fuller of trouble than if in the day light of his reason he were to contest with a potent enemy. In the frequent little accidents of a family, a man’s reason cannot always be awake; and when his discourses are imperfect and a trifling trouble makes him yet more restless, he is soon betrayed to the violence of passion. It is certain that the man or woman are in a state of weakness and folly then, when they can be troubled with a trifling accident; and therefore it is not good to tempt their affections, when they are in that state of danger. In ’25
this case the caution is, to subtract fuel from the sudden flame; for stubble, though it be quickly kindled, yet it is as soon extinguished, if it be not blown by a pertinacious breath, or fed with new materials. Add no new provocations to the accident, and do not inflame this, and peace will soon return, and the discontent will pass away, soon, as the sparks from the collision of a flint; ever remembering, that discontents proceeding from daily little things, do breed a secret undiscernible disease, which is more dangerous than a fever proceeding from a discerned notorious surfeit.”
If they would preserve love, let them be sure to study most accurately each other’s tastes and distastes, and most anxiously abstain from whatever, even in the minutest things, they know to be contrary to them. The ancients in their conjugal allegories, used to represent Mercury standing by Venus, to signify that by fair language, and sweet entreaties, the minds of each other should be united.
If they would preserve love, let them most carefully avoid all curious and frequently repeated distinctions of mine and thine: for this hath caused all the laws, and all the suits, and all the wars in the world; let them who have but one person, have also but one interest. Instances may occur in which there may and must be, a separate investiture of property, and a sovereign independent right of disposal in the woman; in this case, the most a/ixious care should be taken by the husband not to attempt to invade that right, and by the wife, neither ostentatiously to speak of it, nor rigidly to claim it, nor selfishly to exercise it. In ordinary cases,” they should be heirs to each other, if they die childless; and if there be children, the wife should be with them a partner in the inheritance. But during their life the use and employment is common to both their necessities, and in this there is no other dif-THE FAMILY MONITOR: OR
ference of right, but that the man hath the dispensation of all, and may keep it from his wile, just as the governor of a town may keep it from the right owner; he hath the power, but not the right to do so.”
2. Mutual respect is a duty of married life; for though as we shall afterwards consider, especial reverence is due from the wife, yet is respect due from the husband also.
As it is difficult to respect those, who are not entitled to it on any other ground than superior rank or common relationship, it is of immense consequence, that we should present to each other, that conduct which deserves respect and commands it. Moral esteem is one of the firmest supports, and strongest guards of love; and a high degree of excellence cannot fail to produce such esteem. We are more accurately known to each other in this connexion, than either to the world, or even to our own servants and children. The privacies of such a relationship lay open our motives, and all the interior of our character; so that we are better known to each other than we are to ourselves. If therefore, we would be respected, we should be respectable. Charity covers a multitude of faults, it is true; but we must not presume too far upon the credulity and blindness of. affection; there is a point beyond which, even love cannot be blind to the crimson coloring of a guilty action. Every piece of really sinful conduct, the impropriety of which cannot be mistaken, tends to sink us in each other’s esteem, and thus to remove the safeguards of affection. Perhaps this has not been sufficiently thought of in wedded life, the parties of which have been sometimes anxious merely to cover their delinquencies from the world, forgetful that it is a dreadful thing to lose their mutual respect. It is delightfully striking to observe, how some pairs, of eminent moral worth, regard each other; what reverence is blended with their love, and how like to angel forms of heavenly excellence they appear to one another.
2f7
In all the conduct of the conjugal state then, there should be the most marked and unvarying mutual respect even in little things: there must be no searching after faults, nor examining, with microscopic scrutiny, such as cannot be concealed; no reproachful epithets; no rude contempt; no incivility; no cold neglect: there should be courtesy without ceremony; politeness without formality; attention without slavery; it should, in short, be the tenderness of love, supported by esteem, and guided by politeness. And then, we must maintain our mutual respectability before others; strangers, friends, servants, children, must all be taught to respect us, from what they see in our own behavior. It is in the highest degree improper, for either party to do an action, to say a word, or assume a look, that shall have the remotest tendency to lower the other in public esteem.
3. Mutual attachment to each other’s society, is a common duty of husband and wife.
We are united to be companions; to live together, to walk together, to talk together. The husband is commanded u to dwell with the wife according to knowledge.” “This,” says Mr. Jay, “intends nothing less than residence, opposed to absence and roving. It is absurd, for those who have no prospect of dwelling together, to enter this state; and those who are already in it, should not be unnecessarily abroad. Circumstances of various kinds will doubtless render occasional excursions unavoidable; but let a man return as soon as the design of his absence is accomplished, and let him always travel with the words of Solomon in his mind, As a bird that wandereth from her nest, so is a man that wandereth from his place.’ Can a man while from home, discharge the duties he owes to his household? Can he discipline his children? Can he maintain the worship of God in his family? I know it is the duty of the wife to lead the devotion in the absence of the husband; and she should take it up as a cross, if not for the time as a privilege. Few, however, are thus disposed, and hence one of the sanctuaries of God for weeks and months together is shut up. — I am sorry to say, that there are some husbands who seem fonder of any society than the company of their wives. It appears in the disposal of their leisure hours. How few of these are appropriated to the wife! The evenings are the most domestic periods of the day. To these the wife is peculiarly entitled — she is now most free from her numerous cares, and most at liberty to enjoy reading and conversation. It is a sad reflection upon a man when he is fond of spending his evenings abroad. It implies something bad, and it predicts something worse.”
And then to ensure as far as possible, the society of her husband, aiJiis own fire side, let the wife be “a keeper at home,” and do all in her power to render that fire side as attractive as good temper, neatness, and cheerful, affectionate conversation can make it; let her strive to make his own home, the soft green on which his heart loves to repose in the sunshine of domestic enjoyment. We can easily imagine, that even in Paradise, when man had no apparition of guilt, no visions of crime, no spectral voice from a troubled conscience, to make him dread solitude, and fiee from it, that even then, Adam liked not, on his return from the labor of dressing the garden, to find Eve absent from their bower, but wanted the smile of her countenance to light up his own, and the music of her voice to be the melody of his soul. Think, then, how much more in his fallen estate, with guilt upon his conscience, and care pressing upon his heart, does man now, on coming from the scenes of his anxious toil, need the aid of woman’s companionship, to drive away the swarm of buzzing cares, that light upon the heart to sting it; to smooth the brow ruffled with sadness; to tranquillize the bosom agitated with passion j and at once to reprove and comfort the mind that has in some measure yielded to temptation. O, woman! thou knowest the hour when “the good man of the house” will return, at mid-day, while the sun is yet bowing down the laborer with the fierceness of his beams, or at evening, when the heat and burden of the day are past; do not let him, at such a time, when he is weary with exertion, and faint with discouragement, find, upon his coming to his habitation, that the foot which should hasten to meet him, is wandering at a distance, that the soft hand which should wipe away the sweat from his brow, is knocking at the door of other houses: nor let him find a wilderness, where he should enter a garden; confusion, where he ought to see order; or filth that disgusts, where he might hope to behold neatness, that delights and attracts. If this be the case, who can wonder, that fn the anguish of disappointment, and in the bitterness of a neglected and heart-stricken husband, he turns away from his door, for that comfort which he wished to enjoy at home, and that society which he hoped to find in his wife, and put up with the substitutes for both, which he finds in the houses of other men, or in the company of other women.
United to be associates then, let man and wife be as much in each other’s society as possible: and there must be something wrong in domestic life, when they need the aid of balls, routes, plays, card parties, to relieve them from the tedium produced by home pursuits. I thank God, I am a stranger to that taste, which leads a man to flee from his own comfortable parlor, and the society of his wife, from the instruction and recreation contained in a well-stored library, or the evening rural walk, when the business of the day is over, to scenes of public amusement for enjoyment; to my judgment, the pleasures of home, and of home society, when home and home society, are all that could desired, are such as never cloy, and need no change, but from
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one kindred scene to another. I am sighing and longing, perhaps in vain, for a period, when society shall be so elevated, and so purified: when the love of knowledge will be so intense, and the habits of life will be so simple; when religion and morality will be so generally diffused, that men’s homes will be the seat and circle of their pleasures; when in the society of an affectionate and intelligent wife, and of Well educated children, each will find his greatest earthly delight; and when it will be felt to be no more necessary to happiness, to quit their own fire side for the ball room or the concert, than it is to go from the well spread table, to the public feast, to satisfy the cravings of a healthy appetite: then will it be no longer imposed upon us to prove, that public amusements are improper, for they will be found to be unnecessary.
But the pleasures of home must not be allowed to interfere with the calls and claims of public duty. Wives must not ask, and husbands must not give, that time which is demanded for the cause of God and man. This is an age of active charity, and the great public institutions which are set up, cannot be kept in operation, without great sacrifices of time and leisure by very many persons. Those, who by their wisdom, talents, rank, or property, receive the confidence of the public, must stand prepared to fill up and conduct the executive departments of our societies; nor should they allow the soft allurements of their own houses, to draw them away from what is obviously the post of duty. We have known some, who, till they entered into wedded life, were the props and pillars of our institutions, yield so far to the solicitations of their new and dearest earthly friend, as to vacate their seat at the board of management, for ever after. It is, indeed, a costly way of contributing to the cause of religion and humanity, to give those evening hours which could be spent so pleasantly in a country walk, or in the joint perusal of some interesting volume; but who can do good, or ought to wish to do it, without sacrifices? I know an eminently holy and useful minister, who told the lady to whom he was about to be united, that one of the conditions of their marriage was, that she should never ask him for that time, which, on any occasion, he felt it to be his duty to give to God. And surely, any woman might feel herself more blessed in having sometimes to endure the loss of a husband’s society, whose presence and talents were coveted by all public institutions, than in being left to the unmolested enjoyment of the company of one, whose assistance was coveted by none.
4. Mutual forbearance is another duty.
This we owe to all, not excepting the stranger, or an enemy; and most certainly it must not be denied to our nearest and dearest earthly friend. For the charity that sufFereth long and is kind; that envieth not; vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up; that doth not behave itself unseemly; seeketh not her own; is not easily provoked: thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; that covereth all things; heiieveth all things; hopeth all things; endureth all things: for this charity there is both need and room in every relation of life. Wherever sin or imperfection exists, there is scope for the forbearance of love. There is no perfection upon earth. Lovers, it is true, often fancy they have found it; but the more sober judgment of husbands and wives, generally corrects the mistake; and first impressions of this kind, generally pass away with first love. We should all enter the married state, remembering that we are about to be united to a fallen creature; and as in every case, as Mr. Bolton remarks, it is not two angels that have met together, but two sinful children of Adam, from whom must be looked for much weakness and waywardness, we must make up our minds to some imperfection; and remembering that we have no small share of our own that calls for the forbearance of the other party, shall
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exercise the patience that we ask. Where both have infirmities, and they are so constantly together, innumerable occasions will be furnished, if we are eager, or even willing to avail ourselves of the opportunities for those contentions, which, if they do not produce a permanent suppression of love, lead to its temporary interruption. Many things we should connive at, others we should pass by with an unprovoked mind, and in all things most carefully avoid even what at first may seem to be an innocent disputation. Affection does not forbid, but actually demands that we should mutually point out our faults; but this should be done in all the meekness of wisdom, united with all the tenderness of love, lest we only increase the evil we intend to remove, or substitute a greater one in its place. Justice, as well as wisdom, requires that in every case, we set the good qualities against the bad; and in most cases we shall find some redeeming excellencies, which, if they do not reconcile us to the failings we deplore, should at least teach us to bear them with patience: and the more we contemplate these better aspects of the character, the brighter will they appear; for it is an indubitable fact, that while faults diminish, virtues magnify, in proportion as they are steadily contemplated. As to bitterness of language, and violence of conduct, this is so utterly disgraceful, and in the circle which I am accustomed to instruct, altogether so rare and unusual, that it scarcely need be introduced even by way of cautioning against it. The ancients we are informed, took the gall from their nuptial sacrifices, and cast it behind the altar, to intimate the removal of all bitterness from the marriage state.
5. Mutual assistance is the duty of husbands and wives.
This applies to the cares of life. Women are not usually very conversant with matters of trade, but still their counsel may be sought in a thousand cases with propriety and advantage. The husband should never undertake any thing of importance, without communicating the matter to his wife; who, on her part, instead of shrinking from the responsibility of a counsellor, and leaving him to struggle alone with his difficulties and perplexities, should invite him to communicate freely all his anxieties: for if she cannot counsel, she can comfort; if she cannot relieve his cares, she can help to bear them; if she cannot direct the course of his trade, she may the current of his feelings; if she cannot open any source of earthly wisdom, she can spread the matter before the Father and fountain of lights. Many men under the idea of delicacy to their wives, keep all their difficulties to themselves, which only prepares them to feel the stroke the heavier when it does come.
And then, as the wife should be willing to help the husband, in matters of business, he should be willing to share with her, the burden of domestic anxieties and fatigue. Some go too far, and utterly degrade the female head of the family, by treating her as if her honesty or ability could not be trusted in the management of the domestic economy. They keep the money, and dole it out as if they were parting with their life’s blood, grudging every shilling they dispense, and requiring an account as rigid as they would from a suspected servant; they take charge of every thing, give out every thing, interfere in every thing. This is to despoil a woman of her authority, to thrust her from her proper place, to insult and degrade her before her children and servants. Some, on the other hand, go to the opposite extreme, and take no share in any thing. My heart has ached to see the slavery of some devoted, hard working, and ill used wives; after laboring all day amidst the ceaseless toils of a young and numerous family, they have had to pass the hours of evening in solitude, while their husbands, instead of coming home to cheer them by their so-THE FAMILY MONITOR: OR
ciety, or to relieve them for only half an hour of their fatigue, have been either at a party or a sermon: and then have these hapless women had to wake and watch the live long night, over a sick or restless babe, while the men whom they accepted as the partner of their sorrows, were sleeping by their side, unwilling to give a single hour of their slumber, though it was to allow a little repose to their toil-worn wives. Why, even the irrational creatures shame such men; for it is a well known fact, that the male bird takes his turn upon the nest during the season of incubation, to allow the female time to renew her strength by food and rest: and with her, also, goes in diligent quest of food, and feeds the young ones when they cry. No man should think of marrying, who does not stand prepared to share, as far as he can do it with his wife, the burden of domestic cares.
They should be helpful to each other in the concerns of personal religion. This is clearly implied in the Apostle’s language. u For what knowest thou, 0 wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? Or how knowest thou, 0 man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?”# Where both parties are unconverted, or only one of them is yet a partaker of true piety, there should be the most anxious, judicious, and affectionate efforts for their salvation. How heathenish a state is it, to enjoy together the comforts of marriage, and then travel in company to eternal perdition; to be mutual comforters on earth, and then mutual tormentors in hell; to be companions in felicity in time, and companions in torment through eternity. And where both parties are real christians, there should be the exercise of a constant reciprocal solicitude, watchfulness and care, in reference to their spiritual and eternal welfare. One of the ends which every believer should
*1 Corinthians, vii. 16.
propose to himself, on entering the marriage state, is to secure one faithful friend, at least, who will be a helpmate for him in reference to another world, and to assist him in the great business of his soul’s salvation, and that will pray for him and with him; one that will affectionately tell him of his sins and his defects, viewed in the light of a christian; one that will stimulate and draw him by the power of a holy example, and the sweet force of persuasive words; one that will warn him in temptation, comfort him in dejection, and in every way assist him in his pilgrimage to the skies. The highest end of the connubial state is lost, if it be not rendered helpful to our piety; and yet this end is too generally neglected, even by professors of religion. Do we converse with each other as we ought on the high themes of redemption by Christ, and eternal salvation? Do we study each other’s dispositions, snares, troubles, decays in piety, that we may apply suitable remedies? Do we exhort one another daily, lest we should be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin? Do we practise fidelity without censoriousness; and administer praise without flattery? Do we invite one another to the most quickening and edifying means of a public nature, and recommend the perusal of such instructive and improving books as we have found beneficial to ourselves? Do we mutually lay open the state of our minds on the subject of personal religion, and state our perplexities, our joys, our fears, our sorsows? Alas, alas, who must not blush at their neglects in these particulars? And yet, such neglect is as criminal, as it is common. Fleeing from the wrath to come, and yet not doing all we can to aid each other’s escape! Contending side by side for the crown of glory, honor, immortality, and eternal life, and yet not doing all we can to ensure each other’s success! Is this love? Is this the tenderness of connubial affection?
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This mutual help should extend to the maintenance of all the habits of domestic order, discipline and piety. The husband is to be the prophet, priest, and king of the family, to instruct their minds, to lead their devotions, and to govern their tempers; but in all that relates to these important objects, the wife is to be of one mind with him. They are in these matters, to be workers together, neither of them leaving the other to labor alone, much less opposing or thwarting what is done. “When the sun shines the moon disappears, when he sets, she appears and shines; so when the husband is at home, he leads domestic worship, when he is absent, the wife must ever take his place.” Some men refer the instruction of young children exclusively to their wives, and some wives, as soon as the children are too old to be taught upon the knee, think that they are exclusively the subjects of paternal care. This is a mistake in the important economy of the family, the members of which are never too young to be taught and disciplined by the father, nor too old to be admonished and warned by the mother: he may sometimes have a great influence in awing the rude spirits of the younger branches; while her soft persuasive accents may have delightful power to melt or break the hard and stubborn hearts of older ones. Thus they who have a joint interest in a family, must attend to them in the exercise of a joint labor.
They must be helpful to each other in works of humanity and religious benevolence.
Their mutual influence should be exerted, not in restraining, but in stimulating zeal, compassion, and liberality. What a beautiful picture of domestic life is drawn by the pen of the Old Testament historian. “And it fell on a day that Elisha passed to Shunem, where was a great woman; and she constrained him to eat bread. And so it was, that as oft as he passed by, he turned in thither to eat bread. And she said unto her husband, Behold now, I perceive that this is a holy man of God, which passeth by us continually. Let us make a little chamber on the wall, and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and. a stool, and a candlestick, and it shall be, that when he cometh to us, he shall turn in thither. And it fell on a day that he came thither, and he turned into the chamber, and lay there.”* Every part of this scene is lovely. The generous and pious wish of the wife, to provide accommodations for a destitute and dependant prophet; her prompt and prudent effort to interest her husband in the scheme of her benevolence; her discreet and modest keeping of her place in not acting without his permission; her dignified claim of a right to be associated with him in this work of mercy, for said she, let us make a little chamber on the wall; all is delightful, and as it should be, on her part: and no less so on the part of the man; for there was no surly refusal, no proud rejection of the plan, because it did not originate with him, no covetous plea for setting it aside, on the ground of expense. Delighted, as every husband should be, to gratify the benevolent wishes, and support the liberal schemes of his wife, so far as prudence will allow, he consented; the little chamber was erected, and furnished by this holy pair, and soon occupied by the prophet: and never was a generous action more speedily or more richly rewarded. Elisha had no means of his own, by which to acknowledge the kindness; but he who said in after times, “be that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet, shall receive a prophet’s reward,” took upon himself, as he does in every instance, the cause of his necessitous servant, and most munificently repaid the generous deed.
A lovelier scene is not to be found on earth, than that of a pious couple, employing their mutual influence, and the hours of their retired companionship,
*2Kingsiv. 8 — 11
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in stirring up each other’s hearts to deeds of mercy and religious benevolence; not Adam and Eve in Paradise, with the unspotted robes of their innocence about them, engaged in propping the vine, or trailing the rose of that holy garden, presented to the eyes of angels a more interesting spectacle than this. What a contrast does such a couple present, to the pairs which are almost every where to be found, whose calculations are not what they can save from unnecessary expense to bestow upon the cause of God and humanity, but what they can abstract or withhold from the claims of benevolence, to lavish upon splendid furniture, or domestic luxuries. Are there no wives who attempt to chill the ardor, to limit the beneficence, to stint the charities of their husbands; who, by their incessant and querulous, and almost quarrelsome suggestions, that he is doing too much for others, and too little for his own family, drive the good man, notwithstanding he is lord of his own property, to exercise his liberality in secret, and bestow his charities by stealth? And what is oftentimes the object of such women? nothing more than the pride of ambition, or the folly of vanity. Only that they might have these taxations and parings of charity, to spend upon dress, furniture, and parties.
Perhaps the question will be asked, whether it is proper for a wife to give away the property of her husband in acts of humanity, or religious benevolence? Such an inquiry ought to be unnecessary; for no woman should be driven to the alternative of either doing nothing for the cause of God and man, or doing what she can by stealth. A sufficient sum ought to be placed at her disposal, to enable her to enjoy the luxury of doing good. Why should not she appear in her own name upon the honorable list of benefactors, and shine forth in her peculiar and separate glory, instead of being always lost in the radiance of our recorded mercy? Why should she have no sphere of benevolent effort? Why should ice monopoiize to ourselves the blessings of those that are ready to perish? It is degrading a married female to allow her no discretion in this matter, no liberty of distribution, no power to dispense, even in cases that concern her sex, but to compel her to beg first of a husband, that which others come to beg of her. If, however, she be unhappily united to a Nabal, a churl, whose sordid, grasping, covetous disposition, will yield nothing to the claims of humanity or religion, may she then make up for the deficiency of her husband, and diffuse his property unknown to him? I am strongly tempted to answer this question in the affirmative; for if in any instance we may deviate from the ordinary rule, and taking the man at his own word, which he uttered when in. the solemn act of matrimony, he said, “with all my worldly goods I thee endow,” may invest the wife with a joint proprietorship, and a right of appropriation, it is in such a case as this. But still, we must not sacrifice general principles, to special cases; and therefore, I say to every female in such circumstances, obtain if you can, a separate and fixed allowance for charitable distribution; but if even this be not possible, obtain one for personal expences, and by a most rigid frugality, save all you can from dress and decoration, for the hallowed purpose of relieving the miseries of your fellow creatures.
6. Mutual sympathy is required.
Sickness may call for this, and females seem both formed and inclined by nature to yield it.
“O woman! in our hours of ease,
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,
And variable as the shade
By the light quivering aspen made;
When pain and anguish wring the brow,
A ministering angel thou!”
Unwilling, and indeed, unable to subscribe to the former part cf this description, I do most readily
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assent to the truth of the latter. If we could do without her and be happy in health, what are we in sickness without her presence and her tender offices? Can we smooth, as woman can, the pillow on which the sick man lays his head? No. We cannot administer the medicine or the food as she can. There is a softness in her touch, a lightness in her step, a skill in her arrangements, a sympathy looking down upon us from her beaming eye, which ours wants. Many a female, by her devoted and kind attentions in a season of sickness, has drawn back to herself that cold and alienated heart, which neither her charms could hold, nor her claims recover. I entreat you, therefore, married females, to put forth all your power to soothe and please in the season of your husband’s sickness. Let him see you willing to make any sacrifices of pleasure, ease, or sleep, to minister to his comfort. Let there be a tenderness in your manner, a wakeful attention and sympathy in your look, a something that seems to say, your only comfort in his affliction, is to employ yourselves in alleviating it. Hearken with patience and kindness to the tale of his lighter, and even of his imaginary woes. A cold, heartless, awkward, unsympathising woman, is an exception from the general rule, and therefore, the severer libel upon her sex.
Nor is this sympathy exclusively the duty of the wife; but belongs equally to the husband. He cannot, it is true, perform the same offices for her, which she can discharge for him: but much he can do, and all he can he should do. Her sicknesses are generally more numerous and heavy than his; she is likely, therefore, to make more frequent calls upon his tender interest and attention. Many of her ailments are the consequence of becoming his wife: she was, perhaps, in full vigor, till she became a mother, and from that time, never had a moment’s perfect ease or strength again. That event which sent into his heart the joys of a parent, dismissed from her frame the comforts of health. And shall he look with discontent, and indifference, and insensibility upon that delicate flower, which, before he transplanted it to his garden, glowed in beauty and in fragrance, to the admiration of every spectator? Shall he now cease to regard it with any pleasure, or sympathy, and seem as if he wished it gone, to make room for another, forgetting that it was he that sent the worm to the root, and caused its head to droop, and its colors to fade? Husbands, I call upon you for all the skill and tenderness of love, on behalf of your wives, if they are weak and sickly. Watch by their couch, talk with them, pray with them, walk with them, wake with them. In all their afflictions, be you afflicted. Never listen heedlessly to their complaints; and oh, by all that is sacred in conjugal affection, I implore you never, by your cold neglect, or petulant expressions, or discontented look, to call up in their imaginations, unusually sensitive at such a season, the phantom of a fear, that the disease which has destroyed their health, has done the same for your affection. Oh! spare their bosom the agonizing pangs of supposing, that they are living to be a burden to your disappointed heart. The cruelty of that man wants a name, and I know of none sufficiently emphatic, who denies his sympathy to a suffering woman, whose only sin is a broken constitution, and whose calamity is the result of her marriage. Such a man does the work of a murderer, without his punishment, and in some instances, without his reproach; but not always without his design or his remorse.
But sympathy should be exercised by man and wife, not only in reference to their sicknesses, but to all their afflictions, whether personal or relative: all their sorrows should be common: like two strings in unison, the chord of grief should never be struck in the heart of one, without causing a corresponding vibration in the heart of the other; or, like the surface of the lake answering to the heaven, it should be impossible for calmness and sunshine to be upon one, while the other is agitated and cloudy; heart should answer to heart, and face to face.
Such are the duties common to both; the obligations peculiarly enjoined upon each, will be the subject of the next chapter.