Special Duties of Husband and Wife
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”
THE HUSBAND.
IN stating the duties especially enjoined on the two parties in the conjugal union. I shall begin with those of the husband. He is commanded to LOVE his wife.
As we have already shown that love is a duty of both parties, the question very naturally arises, “For what reason is it so especially enjoined upon the husband?” Why is he so particularly bound to the exercise of affection? Perhaps for the following reasons: —
1. Because, in the very nature of things, he is most in danger of failing in his duty. Placed by the Creator as the “head of the wife,” and invested with a certain right to govern his household, he is more in peril ot merging the tender sensibilities in the predominant consciousness of superiority.
2. Because he is actually more deficient in this duty than the other party. This has ever been the case in pagan and Mahometan countries. In barbarous nations, especially, conjugal affection has ever been exceedingly weak, and it is probable that even m the more civilized countries of Greece and Rome it was not so generally strong and steady, as it has since been made by Christianity. But without even going beyond the limits of Christendom, it may be truly said, that husbands are usually more deficient in love than wives. The latter, in my opinion, excel the former in tenderness, in strength, in constancy of affection.
3. Because a want of love on the part of the man is likely to be attended with more misery to the other party. He can go to greater excesses in violence, in cruelty, in depravity. The want of this tender passion in him is likely to have a still worse effect upon his own character, and the peace of the wife, than the want of it in her. In either case a destitution of this kind is a melancholy thing; but in him, it is on several accounts the most to be dreaded.
The apostle lays down two models, or rules, for a husband’s affection; the one is, the love which Christ has manifested for his church; and the other, the love which a man bears for himself.
In regard to the first, I shall exhibit the properties of Christ’s love, and show in what way our affection should be conformed to his.
Christ’s love was SINCERE. He did not love in word only, but in deed and in truth. In him there was no dissimulation; no epithets of endearment going forth out of feigned lips; no actions varnished over with a mere covering of love. We must be like him, and endeavor to maintain a principle of true regard in the heart, as well as a show of it in the conduct. It is a miserable thing to have to act the part of love, without feeling it. Hypocrisy is base in everything; but next to religion, is most base in affection. Besides, how difficult is it to act the part well, to keep on the mask, and to support the character so as to escape detection! Oh, the misery of that woman’s heart, who at length finds out, to her cost, that what she had been accustomed to receive and value as the attentions of a lover, are but the tricks of a cunning dissembler!
The love of the Redeemer was ARDENT.
Let us, if we would form a correct idea of what should be the state of our hearts towards the woman of our choice, think of that affection which glowed in the breast of the Saviour, when he lived and died for his people. We can possess, it is true, neither the same kind nor the same degree of regard; but surely, when we are reierred to such an instance, if not altogether as a model, yet as a motive, it does teach us, that no weak affection is due, or should be offered to the wife of our bosom. Ve are told by the Saviour himself, that if he laid down his life for us, it is our duty to lay down ours for the brethren; how much more for the “friend that sticketh closer than a brother!” And if it be our duty to lay down our life, how much more to employ it, while it lasts, in all the offices of an affection, strong, steady, and inventive. She, that for our sake has forsaken the comfortable home, and the watchful care, and the warm embrace of her parents, has a right to expect, in our regard, that which shall make her “forget her father’s house,” and cause her to feel that, with respect to happiness, she is no loser by the exchange. Happy the woman, and such should every husband strive to make his wife, who can look back without a sigh upon the moment, when she quitted forever the guardians, the companions, and the scenes of her childhood!
The love of Christ to his church was SUPREME. He gives to the world his benevolence, but to the church his complacency. “The Lord thy God in the midst of thee,” said the prophet, “is mighty; he will save thee; he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love; he will joy over thee with singing.” So must the husband regard his wife, above all else; he must “rest in his love.” He should regard her not only above all without his house, but above all within it. She must take precedence, both in his heart -and conduct, not only of all strangers, but of all relatives, and also of all his children; he ought to love his children for her sake, rather than her for theirs. Is this always the case? On the contrary, have we not often seen men, who appear to be far more interested in their children than in their wives; and who have paid far less attention to the latter than to grown-up daughters? How especially unseemly is it, for a man to be seen fonder of the society of any other woman, than of that of his wife, even where nothing more may be intended than the pleasure of her company. Nor ought ha to forsake her in his leisure hours, for any companions of his own sex, however interesting might be their manners or their conversation.
The love of Christ is UNIFORM. Like himself, it is the same yesterday, to-day, and forever. Conjugal affection should have the same character; it should be at all times, and in all places, alike; the same at home as abroad; in other persons’ houses as in our own. Has not many a wife to sigh and exclaim — “Oh that I were treated in my own house, with the same tenderness and attention as I receive in company.” With what almost loathing and disgust must such a woman turn from endearments, which under such circumstances she can consider as nothing but hypocrisy. Home is the chief place for fond and minute attention; and she, who has not to complain of a want of it there, will seldom feel the need or the inclination to complain of a want of it abroad; except it be those silly women, who would degrade their husoauus, uj cAacung not merely what is really kind, but what is actually ridiculous.
The love of the Redeemer was PRACTICAL and LABORIOUS. He provided everything by his mediation for the welfare and comfort of the church, and at a cost and by exertions of which we can form no idea. It has been already declared that both parties are to assist in the cares of life. A good wife cannot be an idle one. Beautiful is her portraiture, as drawn by the wise man. “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hand to the needy. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She opeueth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates.” This exquisite picture, combining as it does industry, prudence, dignity, meekness, wisdom, and piety, cannot be too frequently or minutely studied, by those who would attain to high degrees of female excellence. The business of providing for the family, however, belongs chiefly to the husband. It is his to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of carefulness, and to drink, if necessary, the waters of affliction, that he may earn, by the sweat of his brow, a comfortable support for the domestic circle. This is probably what the apostle meant, when he enjoined us to give HONOR to the wife as to the weaker vessel; the honor of maintenance, which she, in consequence of the weakness of her frame, and the frequent infirmities which the maternal relation brings upon her, is not so well able to procure for herself.
In general, it is for the benefit of a family that a married woman should devote her time and attention almost exclusively to the ways of her household; her place is in the centre of domestic cares. What is gained by her in the shop, is oftentimes lost in the house, for want of the judicious superintendence of a mother and a mistress. Comfort and order, as well as money, are domestic wealth; and can these be rationally expected in the absence of female arrangement? The children always want a mother’s eye and hand, and should always have them. Let the husband, then, have the care of providing; the wife, that of distributing to the necessities of the family; for this is the rule both of reason and revelation.
And as Christ labored for his church, not only during his abode upon earth, but made provision for its welfare when he departed from our world, in like manner should the husband take care of his wife. I never could understand the propriety of that custom, which is but too common, of men’s providing by their wills so much better for the children than they do for the mother. Does this look like a supreme love? Every man, who raises a woman to the rank of his wife, should take care, however inferior she might have been in circumstances before their marriage, to leave her in the situation into which he brought her; for it is indeed most cruel, to leave her to be deprived at once not only of her dearest earthly friend, but of her usual means of comfortable subsistence.
A practical affection to a wife extends, however, to everything; it should manifest itself in the most delicate attention to her comfort and her feelings; in consulting her tastes; in concealing her failings; in never doing anything to degrade her, but every thing to exalt her before her children and servants; in acknowledging her excellences and commending her efforts to please him; in meeting, and even anticipating, all her reasonable requests; in short, in doing all that ingenuity can invent for her substantial happiness and general comfort.
Christ’s love to his church was DURABLE and UNCHANGEABLE. “Having loved his own, he loved them to the end,” without abatement or alteration. So ought husbands to love their wives, not only at the beginning, but to the end of their union; when the charms of beauty have fled before the withering influence of disease; when the vigorous and sprightly frame has lost its elasticity, and the step has become’ slow and faltering; when the wrinkles of age have succeeded to the bloom of youth, and the whole person seems rather the monument than the resemblance of what it once was. Has she not gained in mind what she has lost in exterior fascinations? Have not her mental graces flourished amidst the ruins of personal charms? If the rose and the lily have faded on the cheek, have not the fruits of righteousness grown in the soul? If those blossoms have departed, on which the eye of youthful passion gazed with so much ardor, has it not been to give way to the ripe* fruit of Christian excellence? The woman is not what she was, but the wife, the mother, the Christian, are better than they were. For an example of conjugal love in all its power and excellence, point me not to the bride and bridegroom, displaying, during the first month of their union, all the watchfulness and tenderness of affection; but let me look upon the husband and wife of fifty, whose love has been tried by the lapse and the changes of a quarter of a century, and who, through this period and by these vicissitudes, have grown in attachment and esteem; and whose affection, if not glowing with all the fervid heat of a midsummer’s day, is still like the sunshine of an October noon, warm and beautiful, as reflected amidst autumnal tints.
But, before I go away from this view of a husband’s especial duty, I must just advert to another rule of his regard, which is laid down for him by the apostle. “So ought men to love their wives, as their own bodies; he that loveth his wife loveth himself.” A man’s children are parts of himself; his wife is himself; “for they two shall be one flesh.” “This is his duty and the measure of it, too; which is so plain, that if he understands how he treats himself, there needs nothing be added concerning his demeanor towards her; for what mighty care does he take of his body, and uses it with a delicate tenderness, and cures for it in all contingencies, and watches to keep it from all evils, and studies to make for it fair provisions, and is very often led by its inclinations and desires, and does never contradict its appetites, but when they are evil, and then also not without some trouble and sorrow!” So let a man love his wife as his own body.
Can it be necessary to apply the force of motives, to produce an appropriate attention to such a duty? If so, I appeal to your sense of honor. Husbands, call to recollection the wakeful assiduities, and the tender attentions, by which you won the affection and the confidence of the woman, who forsook her father, and her mother, and the home of her childhood, to find a resting place for her heart in your attachment; and will you falsify the vows you plighted, and disappoint the hopes you raised? Is it accounted a disgraceful stigma on a man’s reputation, to forfeit the pledges of a lover? Oh, how much more dishonorable, to forget those of a husband! That man has disgraced himself who furnishes just occasion to the partner of his days, to draw with a sigh a contrast between the affectionate attention she received as a lover and as a wife.
I urge affection to a wife, by the recollection of thai solemn moment, when, in the presence of heaven and earth, you bound yourself by all the deeply awful formalities of a kind of oath, to throw open, and keep open your heart, as the fountain of her earthly happiness, and to devote your whole life to the promotion of her welfare.
I appeal to your regard to justice. You have sworn away yourself to her, and are no longer your own. You have no right to that individual, and separate, and independent kind of life, which would lead you to seek your happiness in opposition to, or neglect of hers. “You twain are one flesh.”
Humanity puts in its claim on behalf of your wife. It is in your power to do more for her happiness or misery, than any other being in the universe but God himself. An unkind husband is a tormentor of the first class. His victim can never elude his grasp, nor go beyond the reach of his cruelty, till she is kindly released by the king of terrorsj who, in this instance, becomes to her an angel of light, and conducts her to the grave as to a shelter from her oppressor. For such a woman there is no rest on earth: the destroyer of her peace has her ever in his power, for she is always in his presence or in the fear of it: the circumstances of every place, and every day, furnish him with the occasions of cruel neglect or unkindness, and it might be fairly questioned, whether there is to be found on earth a case of greater misery, except it be that of a wretch tortured by remorse and despair, than a woman whose heart daily withers under the cold looks, the chilling words, and repulsive actions of a husband who loveth her not. Such a man is a murderer, though he escapes in this world the murderer’s doom; and by a refinement of cruelty, he employs years in conducting his victim to her end, by the slow process of a lingering death.
If nothing else can prevail, interest should; for no man can hate his wife, without hating himself, for “she is his own flesh.” Love, like mercy, is a double blessing; and hatred, like cruelty, is a double torment. We can not love a worthy object without rejoicing in the reflex beams of our own affection. Next to the supreme regard we cherish towards God, and which it is impossible to exercise and not hold communion with angels in the joys of heaven, connubial love is the most beatifying passion; and to transvenom this into unkindness, is to open, at the very centre of our soul, a source of poison, which, before it exudes to torture others, torments ourselves.
THE WIFE.
“Oh! blest with temper, whose unclouded ray Can make to-morrow cheerful as to-day; She, who ne’er answers till a husband cool«,
Charms by accepting, by submitting sways; Yet has her humor most when she obeys.”
The first duty which I would mention is
SUBJECTION.
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord; for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” The same tiling is enjoined also in the Epistle to the Colossians. Peter unites with Paul in the same strain. “Ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands.” Before I state the kind of subjection here commanded, it is necessary to state the nature of the authority to which it is to be yielded.
It is such an authority as is compatible with religion or the claims of God; for no man has a right to enjoin, and no woman is bound to obey, any command which is in opposition to the letter or spirit of the Bible. — It is such an authority as is consonant with sound reason; its injunctions must all be reasonable; for surely it is too much to expect, that a wife is to become the slave of folly, any more than of cruelty. It is an authority that accords with the idea of companionship. It was very beautifully observed by an ancient writer, that when Adam endeavored to shift the blame of his transgression upon his wife, he did not say “the woman thou gavest to me;” no such thing; she is none of his goods, none of his possessions, not to be reckoned amongst his servants; but he said, “the woman thou gavest to be with me,” that is, to be my partner, the companion of my joys and sorrows.
Let conjugal authority be founded upon love, be never exercised in opposition to revelation or reason, and be regulated by the idea of companionship, and then there needs no particular rules for its guidance; for within such limits, it can never degenerate into tyranny; nor can it ever oppress its subjects. To such a power any woman may bow, without degradation, for its yoke is easy and its burden light. In every society, from that which finds its centre in the father’s chair, to that which in a wider circle rests upon the throne, there must be precedence vested somewhere, and some ultimate authority, some last and highest tribunal established, from the decision of which there lies no appeal.
In the domestic constitution, this superiority vests in the husband; he is the head, the lawgiver, the ruler. In all matters touching the little world in the house, he is to direct, not indeed without taking counsel with his wife, but in all discordancy of view.
he, unless he choose to waive his right, is to decide; and to his decision the wife should yield, and yield with grace and cheerfulness. No man ought to resign his authority as the head of the family, no woman ought to wish him to do it. He may give up his predi lections, and yield to her wishes, but he must not abdicate the throne, nor resign his sceptre. Usurpation is always hateful; and it is one of the most offensive exhibitions of it, where the husband is degraded into a slave of the queen-mother. Such a woman looks contemptible even upon the throne.
I admit it is difficult for a sensible woman to submit to imbecility, but she should have considered this before she united herself to it. Having committed one error, let her not fall into a second, but give the strongest proof of her good sense which circumstances will allow her to offer, by making that concession to superiority of station, which there is no opportunity in her case for her to do to superiority of mind. She may reason, she may persuade, she may solicit, but if ignorance cannot be convinced, nor obstinacy turned, nor kindness conciliated, she has no resource left but to — submit; and one of the finest scenes, ever to be presented by the domestic economy, is that of a sensible woman employing her talents and address, not to subvert, but to support the authority of a weak husband; a woman who prompts, but does not command, who persuades, but does not dictate, who influences, but does not compel, and who, after taking pains to conceal her beneficent interference, submits to the authority which she has both supported and guided.
An opposite line of conduct is most mischievous, for weakness, when placed in perpetual contrast with superior judgment, is rarely blind to its own defects; and as this consciousness of inferiority, when united with office, is always jealous, it is both watchful and resentful of any interference with its prerogative. There must be subjection then; and, where it cannot be yielded to superior talents, because there are none, it must be conceded to superiority of station. But let husbands be cautious not to put the submission of their wives to too severe a test. It is hard, very hard, to obey a rash, indiscreet and silly ruler. “If j’ou will be the head, remember the head is not only the seat of government, but of knowledge. If you will have the management of the ship, see that a fool is not placed at the helm. Shall the blind offer themselves as guides?” The grounds of submission are many and strong. Waiving all motives founded upon the comparative strength of mind with which the two sexes may be gifted, I refer my female friends to less questionable matters. Look at the creation; woman was made after the man, “for Adam was first formed, then Eve.” She was made out of man, “for the man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man.” She was made for man; “neither was the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man.” Look at the fall. Woman occasioned it. “Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.” She was thus punished for it: “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Look at her history. Have not the customs of all nations, ancient and modern, savage and civilized, acknowledged her subordination? Look at the light in which this subject is placed in the New Testament. How strong is the language of the text, “the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
Let me then, my respected female friends, as you would submit to the authority of Christ, as you would adorn the station that Providence has called you to occupy, as you would promote your own peace, the comfort of your husband, and the welfare of your family, admonish you meekly and gracefully to be subject in all things, not only to the wise and good, but to the foolish and iildeserving. You may reason, as I have said before, you may expostulate, but you must not rebel ojr refuse. Let it be your glory to feel how much you can endure, rather than despise the institutions of Heaven, or violate those engagements into which you voluntarily and so solemnly entered. Let your submission be characterized by cheerfulness, and not by reluctant sullenness. Let it not be preceded by a struggle, but yielded at once and forever. Let there be no holding out to the last extremity, and then a mere compulsory capitulation; but a voluntary, contradiction, of pertinacious and obtrusive disputation, of scolding accusation, of angry, reproachful complaint, of noisy and obstreperous expostulation, should be avoided.
Almost all domestic quarrels begin in words; and it is usually in a woman’spower to prevent them by causing the law of kindness to dwell upon her lips, and calming the gusts of her husband’s passion, by those soft answers which turn away wrath. Especially should she be careful how she speaks to him, or even before him, in the company of her family, or of strangers. She must not talk him into silence; nor talk at him; nor say anything that is calculated to wound or degrade him; for a sting inflicted in public is doubly charged with venom; she must not endeavor to eclipse him, to engross the attention of the company to herself, to reduce him to a cipher which is valueless till she stands before him. This is not reverence; on the contrary, she should do all in her power to sustain his respectability and dignity in public esteem; and her very mode of addressing him, partaking at once of the kindness of afTection, and the deference of respect, is eminently calculated to do this.
And should he at any time express himself in the language of reproof, even though that reproof be causeless, or unjustly severe, let her be cautious not to forget her station, so as to be betrayed into a railing recrimination, a contemptuous silence, or a moody sullenness. Difficult, I am aware, it is, to show reverence and respect, where there are no other grounds for it to rest upon than mere station; and as easy to pay it where wisdom, dignity, and piety support the claims of relationship. But in proportion to the difficulty of a virtuous action, is its excellence; and hers is indeed superior virtue, who yields to the relationship of her husband that reverence, which he forbids her to pay to him on account of his conduct.
Her reverence will extend itself to her actions, and lead to an incessant desire to please him in all things. It is assumed by the apostle as an indisputable and general fact, “that the married woman careth how she may please her husband.” All her conduct should be framed upon this principle, to give him contentment, and to increase his delight in her. Lei her appear contented with her lot. and that will do much to render him content with his; while, on the other hand, nothing is more likely to generate discontent in his heart, than the appearance of it in her.
Let her, by cheerful good humor, diffuse an air of pleasantness through his dwelling. Let her guard, as much as possible, against a gloomy and moody disposition, which causes her to move about with the silence and cloudiness of a spectre; for who likes to dwell in a haunted house? She should always welcome him across his threshold with a smile, and ever put forth all her ingenuity in studying to please him, by consulting his wishes, by surprising him occasionally with those unlooked-for and ingenious devices of affection, which, though small in themselves, are the proofs of a mind intent upon the business of giving pleasure.
The greater acts of reverent and respectful love are often regarded as matters of course, and, as such, produce little impression; but the lesser acts of attention, which come not into the usual routine of conjugal duties, and into the every-day offices which may be calculated upon, with almost as much certainty as the coming of the hour which they are to occupy, these free-will offerings of an inventive and active affection, these extra tokens of respect, and expressions of regard, have a mighty power to attach a husband to his wife; they are the cords of love, the bands of a man. In all her personal and domestic habits, her first care, then, next to that of pleasing God, must be to please him, and thus hold to herself that heart, which cannot wander from her without carrying her happiness with it, and which, when once departed, cannot be restored by any power short of Omnipotence itself.
MEEKNESS is especially mentioned by the apostle Peter, as a disposition which it is the duty of every wife to cultivate.
He has distinguished and honored this temper by calling it the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. If there be some virtues which seem preeminently to suit the female character, meekness bears a high place amongst such. No one stands in greater need of this disposition than the female head of a family; either the petulance and waywardness of children, or the neglects and misconduct of servants, or the sharp words i of a husband, are almost sure, if she be easily provoked, to keep her in a state of irritation all the day long.
How trying is a peevish woman! how odious a brawling one! “It is belter to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.” The Graces were females, says Mr. Jay; so were the Furies too. It is astonishing the influence which meekness has sometimes had in a family; it has quenched the sparks and even coals of anger and strife, which, but for this, would have set the house on fire; it has mastered the tiger and the lion, and led them captive with the silken thread of love.
The strength of woman lies not in resisting, but in yielding; her power is in her gentleness; there is more of real defence, ay, and more of that aggressive operation, too, which disarms a ioe in one mild look, or one soft accent, than in hours of flashing glances and of angry tones. When, amidst domestic strife, she has been enabled to keep her temper, the storm has been often scattered as it rose; or her meekness has served as a conductor to carry off its dreadful flashes, which otherwise would have destroyed the dwelling.
Put on, then, the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. Pay less attention to the decoration of the person, more to that of the mind. “Your adorning is not to be that outward adorning, of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel, but the hidden man of the heart, which is not corruptible.” The language of another apostle on this subject is no less striking. “In like manner, also, I will that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broiclered hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; but, which becometh women professing godliness, with good works.” 1 Tim. ii. 9, 10. Two apostles, who both wrote as they were moved by the Holy Ghost, in such language as this, have denounced as improper, and as unbecoming a profession of godliness, a taste for immodest, expensive, or highly decorative dress.
Surely, then, the subject is worthy the most serious attention of all Christian females. By what sophistry can the letter, much more the spirit, of two passages of holy writ, so very plain and express in their terms as these, be set aside? That they are set aside, is evident by the appearance of almost every congregation into which we could enter on the Sabbath day.
It is high time for the Christian teacher to call back the women “professing godliness,” from their wanderings in the regions of fashionable folly, to the Holy Scriptures; for there, it should be remembered, is laid down a general law for regulating the dress of the body as well as that of the mind. I do hold, then, that these passages of Scripture are still parts of revelation, and, as such, still binding upon the conscience; if not, show me when they were cancelled.
I contend, that Christian females ought to abstain from expensive, showy, and extravagant fashions in dress, jewelry, and all kinds of unsuitable personal decoration. I am not arguing for a sectarian costume, for a religious uniform, for canonical shapes and colors; nothing of the sort, but for sim plicity, neatness, economy; for what the. apostle calls modest apparel, shamefacedness and sobriety; for the spirit of the passages if not the very letter; for a distinction between those who profess godliness, in their comparative inattention to such things, and those who make no such profession; for a proof that their minds are not so much engaged on these matters, as the minds of the people of the world are.
I am not for extinguishing taste; alas, in matters of dress, this is already done; but for resisting the lawless dominion of folly, under the name of fashion. I am not for calling back the age of Gothic barbarism, or vulgarity; no; I will leave ample room for the cultivation of both taste and genius in every lawful department; but I am protesting against the desolating reign of vanity; I am resisting the entrance of frivolity into the church of God; I am contending against the glaring inconsistency of rendering our religious assemblies like the audience convened in a theatre.
The evils of an improper attention to dress are great and numerous. 1. Much precious tjne is wasted in the study, and arrangements, and decisions of this matter. 2. The attention is taken off from the improvement of the mind and the heart, to the decoration of the person. 3. The mind is filled with pride and vanity, and a deteriorating influence is carried on upon what constitutes the true dignity of the soul. 4. The love of display infects the character. 5. Money is wasted, which is wanted for relieving the misery and improving the condition of mankind. 6. Examples are set to the lower classes, in whom the propensity is often mischievous in many ways.
I am aware it might be, and is said, that there may be the pride of singularity, as well as of fashion; the pride of being covered with sober autumnal tints, as well as of exhibiting the brilliant hues of the rainbow; the pride of quality and of texture, as well as of color and of form. I know it, and I do not justify the one more than I do the other; I condemn all kinds; but, at any rate, there is a little more dignity in one kind than in another. I will leave opportunity for the distinctions of rank, for the inventions of true taste, and for the modest and unobtrusive displays of natural elegance and simple beauty; but I cannot allow the propriety of Christian females yielding themselves to the guidance of fashion, however expensive, extravagant or gaudy.
As to the employment of our artisans by the various changes of fashion, I have nothing to do with this, in face of an apostolic injunction. The silversmiths, who made shrines for the worshippers of Diana, might have pleaded the same objection against the preachers of the gospel, who certainly did, so far as they were successful, ruin this trade. I am only speaking to professors of religion, who form so small a portion of society, that their abstinence from folly would do but little in diminishing the employment of the work-people, and if it did, let them make it up in some other way. What I contend for, then, is not meanness, nor unvarying sameness; but neatness opposed to gaudiness; simplicity and becomingness to extravagance; modesty opposed to indelicacy; economy opposed to expensiveness.
Whether what I contend for is characteristic of the age in which we live, let any spectator determine. I am anxious to see professors of religion displaying a seriousness and spirituality, a dignity and sobriety of mind, a simplicity of habits, and a sedateness of manners, becoming their high and holy profession; and all this united with an economy in their personal expenses, which will leave them a greater fund at their disposal, for relieving the miseries and promoting the happiness of their fellow-creatures.
But, perhaps, after all, many women may plead, that the gayety and expensiveness of their dress is more to please their husbands than themselves; but even this must have its limits. And I really pity the folly of that man, who concerns himself too much in the arrangement of his wife’s wardrobe and toilet; and who would rather see her go forth in all the gorgeousness of splendid apparel, to display herself in the drawing-rooms of her friends, than, in dignified neatness, to visit the cottages of the poor, as the messenger of mercy; and who rejoices more to contemplate her moving through the circles of fashion, the admiration of one sex, and the envy of the other, than to see her holding on her radiant course, in the orbit of benevolence, clad in unexpensive simplicity, and, with the savings of her personal expenditure, clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, healing the sick, and thus bringing upon herself the blessings of him that was ready to perish, and causing the widow’s heart to sing for joy.
Let it be remembered, that not only the ornament, but the person which it adorns, is corruptible. Accidents may distort the finest form, diseases fade the loveliest coloring, time disfigure the smoothest surface, and death, the spoiler of beauty, work a change so awful and appalling, as to turn away the most impassioned admirers in disgust. How soon will every other dress be displaced by the shroud, and every other decoration be stripped off to make way for the flowers that are strewed in the coffin upon the corpse, as if to hide the deformity of death.
But the graces of the heart, and the beauties of the character, are imperishable. Such let a wife be continually seeking to put on; “for she that has a wise husband must entice him to an eternal dearness, by the veil of modesty, and the robes of chastity, the ornaments of meekness, and the jewels of faith and charity; she must have no paint but blushings; her brightness must be her purity, and she must shine round about with sweetness and friendship, and then she shall be pleasant while she lives, and desired when she dies.”
Economy and order in the management of her personal and domestic expenditure, are the obvious duty of a wife.
You are to preside in the direction of household affairs; and much of the prosperity and comfort of the little community will depend upon your skilful and prudent arrangements. There is a manifest disposition, in this age, in all classes of society, to come as closely as possible to the habits of those above them. The poor are imitating the middling classes, and the]/ are copying the upper ranks. A showy, luxurious, and expensive taste is almost universally cherished, and is displayed in innumerable instances, where there are no means to support it.
A large house, a country residence, splendid furniture, a carriage, a retinue of servants, and large parties, are the aim of many, whose creditors pay for all. Christian families are in most imminent peril of worldly conformity in the present day; and the line of demarcation between the church and the world is fast wearing out. It is true, they have no cards, they do not frequent the theatre, or the hall-room, and perhaps they have no midnight routs; — hut this is all; for many are as anxious about the splendor of their furniture, the fashion of their habits, the expensiveness of their entertainments, as the veriest worldling can he.
Now a wife lias great influence in checking or promoting all this. It has been thought that this increasing disposition for domestic show and gayety is to be attributed chiefly to female vanity. It is woman that is generally regarded as the presiding genius of such a scene; she receives the praise and the compliment of the whole, and she therefore is under the strongest temptation to promote it. But let her consider how little all this has to do with the happiness of the family, even in its most prosperous state; and how a recollection of it aggravates the misery of adversity, when a reverse takes place. Then to be found in debt for finery of dress or furniture; then to have it said that her extravagance helped to ruin her husband; then to want that for bread, which was formerly wasted on luxury; then to hear the whispered reproach of having injured others by her own thoughtless expenditure!
Avoid, my female friends, these miseries; do not go on to prepare wormwood and gall to imbitter still more the already bitter cup of adversity. Endeavor to acquire a skilfulness in domestic management, a frugality, a prudence, a love of order and neatness, a .midway course between meanness and lux- ^ry, suitableness to your station in life, to our Christian profession, an economy which shall leave you more to spare for the cause of God and the miseries of man. Rather check than stimulate the taste of your husband for expense; tell him that it is not necessary for your happiness, nor for the comfort of the family; draw him away from these adventitious circumstances, to the mental improvement, the moral culture, the religious instruction of your children. Let knowledge, piety, good sense, well-formed habits, harmony, mutual love, be the sources of your domestic pleasures. What is splendor of furniture, or dress, or entertainments, to these?
A Wife SHOULD BE MOST ATTENTIVE TO
ALL THAT CONCERNS THE WELFARE AND
COMFORT OF THE CHILDREN.
For this purpose, she must be. a keeper at home. “That they may teach the young wives to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home.” And how can the duties that devolve upon the female head of a family be well discharged, if she be not a keeper at home? On this I have dwelt already, in a former chapter, but its importance will justify my returning to the SUDject again. How much has she to attend to, how many cares to sustain, how many activities to support, where there is a young family. Whoever has leisure for gossiping, she has none; whoever may be found wandering from house to house, “hearing or telling some new thing,” she must not.
A mother’s place is in the midst of her family; a mother’s duties are to take care of them. Nothing can excuse a neglect of these; and yet we often see such neglect. Some are literary characters and the welfare of the household is neglected for books.
Not that I would debar a female from the luxury of reading; far from it; but her taste for literature must be kept within due bounds, and «ot be allowed to interfere with her household duties. No husband can be pleased to see a book in the hands of a wife, while the house is in confusion, and the children’s comfort unprovided for. Much less should a taste for company be allowed to draw a wife too much out of the circle of her care and duties. To be wandering from house to house in the morning, or to be engaged till a late hour, evening after evening, at a party, while the family at home are left to themselves, or to the care of servants, is certainly disgraceful.
Even attention to the public duties of religion must be regulated by a due regard to domestic claims. I am aware that many are apt to make these claims an excuse for neglecting the public means of grace almost entirely; the house of God is unfrequented; sermons, sacramental seasons, and all other religious meetings, are given up, for an absorbing attention to household affairs. This is one extreme; and the other is, such a devotedness to religious meetings, that the wants of a sick family, the cries of a hungry infant, or the circumstances of some extraordinary case of family care, are not allowed to have any force in detaining a mother from a week-day sermon, a prayer-meeting, or the anniversary of some public institution.
It is no honor to religion, for a wife, under such circumstances, to be seen in the house of God; duties cannot be in opposition to each other; and, at such a time, hers lie at home. It must be always distressing, and, in some cases, disgusting, for a husband, on his returning to a scene of domestic confusion, and seeing a neglected child in the cot, to be told, upon inquiring after the mother, that she is attending a sermon or public meeting. There is great need for watchfulness in the present age, when female agency is in such requisition, lest attention to public institutions should most injuriously interfere with the duties of a wife and a mother.
I know very well that an active woman may, by habits of order, punctuality, and despatch, so arrange more direct and immediate duties at home, as to allow of sufficient leisure to assist the noble societies which solicit her patronage, without neglecting her husband and children; but where this cannot be done, no society, whether humane or religious, should be allowed to take her away from what is, after all, her first and more appropriate sphere. She must be a keeper at ho7ney if anything there demands her presence.
Such appear to me to be the leading duties of a wife. Motives of a very high and sacred character may be offered for a diligent performance of them. Her own comfort, and that of her husband, is of course most vitally connected with a “fulfilment of her obligations; and the welfare of her children is also deeply involved. And then, her character shines forth with peculiar lustre. A GOOD WIFE is a high attainment in female excellence; it is woman in her brightest glory since the fall.
But there is one consideration of supreme importance, mentioned by the apostle, to which I shall direct your attention. “Like wise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives, while they behold your chaste conversation, coupled with fear.” Powerful and yet tender consideration! Mark, my female friends, the implied eulogy passed by the apostle on your sex, where he seems to take it for granted that if one party be destitute of religion, it is the husband. And facts prove that this assumption was correct.
Religion flourishes most among the female part, of our species; in our congregations, and in our churches, the greater number is of ihem. Can we account for this by natural causes? Partly. They are more at home, and, therefore, more within the reach of the means of grace; — they are more susceptible; — they are less exposed to those temptations that harden the heart through the deceitfulness of sin; — they are subject to more affliction, which softens the heart, and prepares it for the seed of the kingdom; — but all this is not enough, for without grace all these advantages are unavailing; we must resolve it, therefore, into divine purposes, divine interposition, and the arrangements of divine wisdom.
Female influence in all civilized states is great; and God has generally made much use of this, wherever the gospel has come, as one of the means for spreading religion. He pours his grace on them, that their influence may he employed with others, especially their husbands and their children. If, then, in any case, a Christian woman be united to an unconverted man, she must cherish and display a deep, and tender, and judicious solicitude for his salvation; and “what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband?” I would not encourage unequal marriages; I would not have the single try the doubtful and dangerous experiment of marrying an irreligious man, in the hope of converting him; in such cases, the conversion is often the other way; but where the union is formed, there, I say, nourish the anxiety, and employ every discreet exertion for his eternal welfare.
Many instances have occurred, in which the unbelieving husband has been sanctified by the wife. She has drawn him, with the cords of a tender and judicious love, to a consideration of the subject of personal religion. Think of the value of a soul, and of the ineffable glory of being the instrument of its salvation. But, O, to be the means of saving” the soul of a husband! Think how it will strengthen the bond, and sanctify and sweeten it, which unites you on earth and in time; and at the same time add to it a tie, by which you shall “not lose one another in the valley of the shadow of death,” but be reunited as kindred spirits, though not as man and wife, in hea,ven, and through eternity.
Think, O wife, of the happiness — the honor that awaits you. What is the triumph you have acquired over him by your charms, compared with the victory you will obtain over him by your religion? What pleasure will attend you the remainder of your days! now you are of “one heart and one mind;” now you “take sweet counsel together.” The privileged language of prayer now is, — “OuR Father;” — of every motion made to go and seek the Lord of Hosts there fe a ready acceptance — “I will go also.” And what will be your joy and crown of rejoicing in that day, when, before assembled men and angels, he will say, O blessed be the Providence which attached us in yonder world, and has still more perfectly united us in this! The woman thou gavest to be with me led me not to the tree of knowledge of good and evil, but to the tree of life which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.
But how is this solicitude to be employed? The apostle tells us; “that they may be won by the conversation of their wives, while they BEHOLD your chaste conversation, coupled with fear.” Your religion must be seen embodied in your whole character and conduct. It must commend itself to their judgment, by what they perceive as sincere. It must be consistent; for a want of uniformity, however earnest it may in many respects arift at many times appear, will produce disgust. You must “let your light shine before them, that they, seeing- your good works, may glorify God.” You must ever appear invested with all the beauty of a lovely example, which, silent though you be as it respects your tongue, is living eloquence.
Your religion must diffuse its lustre over your whole character, and impress itself most deeply on your relation as a wife and a mother; it must be a new motive to all that respect, and reverence, and devotedness, and meekness, which have been laid before you; and it must lead you to carry every conjugal and maternal virtue to the highest degree of perfection. It must be attended with the most profound humility; or if there be any spiritual pride, any conscious and manifest sense of superiority, anything approaching to the pharisaic temper, which says, “Stand by, I am holier than thou,” anything like contempt of your husband, as an unconverted sinner, you will excite an inveterate prejudice, not only against religion, but against yourself; religion will be hated by him for your sake, and you for religion’s sake.
When you venture to speak to him on the subject of piety, it should be as remotely as possible from all lecturing, all dictation, all reproach, all conscious superiority; and with all possible tenderness, meekness, humility, and persuasive affection. Never talk to him of his state before others, and never talk at him. Nor is it likely to accomplish the object you have in view, to weary him by continual importunity. Many defeat their own end by an incessant introduction of the subject, and sometimes with an asperity which increases the revulsion, which its own nature is calculated, in such a mind, to produce. An occasional hint, and that of the most tender, respectful, and delicate kind, is all that you should attempt, and then leave your example to speak. Occasionally, you may put an instructive volume in his way, and when opportunity offers, solicit his perusal of it.
Do not bring your religious friends too much about you, so as to annoy him; especially, keep away as much as possible any that may have a less portion of discretion than the rest; and confine yourself to the more judicious and best informed. Never rudely interfere with his pursuits, his reading, or his company, although they may not be what you can cordially approve. Till he is enlightened from above, he will not see the evil of these things, and to attempt to interrupt him, in any other way than by the mildest and most respectful expostulation, will only do harm.
Should he wish to draw you from the high pursuit of eternal life, you are not, of course, in this case, to yield to his persuasion, nor in anything to concede, where your conscience is decidedly concerned in the matter. You must be firm, but mild. One concession granted by you would only lead to another. But still, even in this extremity, your resistance of his attempts to interfere with your religion must be maintained in all the meekness of wisdom, and must be attended with fresh efforts to please, in all things which are lawful. If such a line of conduct should subject you to reproach, anger, and persecution, a most painful and by no means an uncommon case, you must possess your soul in patience, and commit your way to Him that judgeth righteously. Many a persecuting husband has been subdued, if not to religion, yet to kinder conduct, by the meek and uncomplaining temper of his wife.
To conclude. Let us all seek after more of the spirit of true religion, — the spirit of faith, of hope, of prayer; a faith that really believes the word of God, and looketh habitually to the cross of Christ, by which we obtain salvation, and to the eternal world, where we shall fully and forever enjoy it; a hope that lives in the expectation and desire of glory, honor, immortality, and eternal life; and a spirit of prayer which leads us daily and hourly to the throne of divine I grace, for all that aid of the Holy Ghost which we need, not only for the duties that refer to our relations to another world, but j for those which devolve upon us in consequence of our relations in this. “Godliness is profitable for all things, having the promise of the life that now is, as well as of that which is to come.” The same principle of divine grace which unites us to God will bind us closer to each other.
Religion contains in it not only the seeds of immortal virtues, but of such as are mortal; not only the germs of excellences which are to flourish in the temple of heaven, but which grow up in the house of our pilgrimage upon earth, to enliven with their beauty, and to refresh with their fragrance, the domestic circle. A good Christian cannot be a bad husband or father; and, other things being equal, he who has most piety will shine most in all the relations of life.
A Bible placed between man and wife as the basis of their union, the rule of their conduct, and the model of their spirit, will make up many a difference, comfort them under many a cross, guide them in many a strait, wherein flesh and blood will be confounded and at a loss, support them in their last sad parting from each other, and reiinite them in that happy world where they shall go no more out.
“Those married pairs that live as remembering that they must part again, and give an account how they treat themselves and each other, shall, at the day of their death, be admitted to glorious espousals; and, when they shall live again, be married to their Lord, and partake of his glories. All those things that now please us shall pass from us, or we from them; but those things that concern the other life are permanent as the numbers of eternity; and although at the resurrection there shall be no relation of husband and wife, and no marriage shall be celebrated but the marriage of the Lamb, yet then shall be remembered how men and women passed through this state, which is a type of that; and from this sacramental union, all holy pairs shall pass to the spiritual and eternal, where love shall be their portion, and joys shall crown their heads,
THE MARRIAGE RING.
and they shall lie in the bosom of Jesus, and in the heart of God, to eternal ages.”
“Far, far beyond the reach of mortal ken, No eye hath seen it, nor hath human pen Portrayed the glories of that world above, Whose very atmosphere is holy love!
There Christians, who in union dwelt on earth, Heirs of its mansions by celestial birth, In blest society shall meet and blend In love and fellowship that never end.
Oh! ‘twill be passing sweet, to meet the friend We loved on earth, and there together bend Before the throne eternal, and rehearse Its untold glories in exalted verse.
To walk in company the golden streets, To sit, but not apart, on shining seats; To trace the beauues of each dazzling gem, Or pluck the fruit of some unfading steml
To sip the waters of the sparkling fount, To crop the flowers that deck the holy mount, To breathe the fragrance of the balmy gale, Or on the crystal river spread the sail!
But most to adore the wonders of his grace, To see the unveiled splendors of his face, Who bought us with a price immense, unknown, And raised us from a prison to a throne 1”