John Ploughman’s Talk
Plain Advice for Plain People
TO THE IDLE.
It is no more use to give advice to the idle than to pour water into a sieve; and as to improving them, one might as well try to fatten a greyhound. Yet, as the Old Book tells us to “cast our bread upon the waters,” we will cast a hard crust or two upon these stagnant ponds; for there will be this comfort about it, if lazy fellows grow no better, we shall be none the worse for having warned them; for when we sow good sense the basket gets none the emptier. We have a stiff bit of soil to plough when we chide with sluggards, and the crop will be of the smallest; but if none but good land were farmed, ploughmen would be out of work, so we’ll put the plough into the furrow. Idle men are common enough, and grow without planting; but the quantity of wit among seven acres of them would never pay for raking; nothing is needed to prove this but their name and their character; if they were not fools they would not be idlers; and though Solomon says, ‘’ The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason,’’ yet in the eyes of every one else his folly is as plain as the sun in the sky. If I hit hard while speaking to them, it is because I know they can bear it; for if I had them down on the floor of the old barn, I might thresh many a day before I could get-them out of the straw, and even the steam thresher could not do it: it would kill them first; for laziness is in some people’s bones, and will show itself in their idle flesh, do what you will with them.
ON RELIGIOUS GRUMBLERS.
When a man has a particularly empty head, he generally sets up for a great judge, especially in religion. None so wise as the man who knows nothing. His ignorance is the mother of his impudence and the nurse of his obstinacy; and though he does not know B from a bull’s foot, he settles matters as if all wisdom were in his fingers’ ends — the Pope himself is not more infallible. Hear him talk- after he has been at meeting and heard a sermon, and you will know how to pull a good man to pieces, if you never knew before. He sees faults where there are none, and if there be a few things amiss, he makes every mouse into an elephant. Although you might put all his wit into an egg-shell, be weighs the sermon in the balances of his conceit, with all the airs of a bred-and-born Solomon, and if it be up to his standard, he lays on his praise with a trowel; but if it be not to his taste, he growls and barks and snaps at it like a dog at a hedgehog. Wise men in this world are like trees in a hedge, there is only here and there one; and when these rare men talk together upon a discourse, it is good for the ears to hear them; but the bragging wiseacres I am speaking of are vainly puffed up by their fleshly minds, and their quibbling is as senseless as the cackle of geese on a common. Nothing comes out of a sack but what was in it, and as their bag is empty, they shake nothing but wind out of it. It is very likely that neither ministers nor their sermons are perfect — the best garden may have a few weeds in it, the cleanest corn may have some chaff — but cavillers cavil at anything or nothing, and find fault for the sake of showing off their deep knowledge; sooner than let their tongues have a holiday, they would complain that the grass is not a nice shade of blue, and say that the sky would have looked neater if it had been whitewashed,^
ON THE PREACHER’S APPEARANCE.
A GOOD horse cannot be a bad color, and a really good preacher can wear what he likes, and none will care much about it; but though you cannot know wine by the barrel, a good appearance is a letter of recommendation even to a ploughman. Wise men neither fall into love nor take a dislike at first sight, but still the first impression is always a great thing even with theiji; and as to those weaker brethren who are not wise, a good appearance is half the battle. What is a good appearance? Well, it’s not being pompous and starchy, and making one’s self high and mighty among the people, for proud looks lose hearts, and gentle words win them. It’s not wearing fine clothes either, for foppish dress usually means a foul house within, and the doorstep without fresh whitened; such dressing tells the world that the outside is the best part of the puppet. When a man is as proud as a peacock, all strut and show, he needs converting himself before he sets up to preach to others. The preacher who measures himself by his looking-glass may please a few silly girls, neither God nor man will long put up with him. The man who owes his greatness to his tailor will find that needle and thread cannot long hold a fool in a pulpit. A gentleman should have more in his pocket than on his back, a minister should have more in his inner man than on his outer man. I would say, if I might, to young ministers, do not preach in gloves, for cats in mittens catch no mice; don’t curl and oil your hair like dandies, for nobody cares to hear a peacock’s voice; don’t have your own pretty self in your mind at all, or nobody else will mind you. Away with gold rings, and chains, and jewelry; why should the pulpit become a goldsmith’s shop? Forever away with surplices and gowns, and all those nursery doll-dresses — men should put away childish things. A cross on the back is the sign of a devil in the heart; those who do as Rome does, should go to Rome and show their colors.
ON GOOD NATURE AND FIRMNESS.
Do not be all sugar, or the world will suck you down; but do not be all vinegar, or the world will spit you out. There is a medium in all things; only blockheads go to extremes. We need not be all rock or all sand, all iron or all wax. We should neither fawn upon everybody like silly lapdogs, nor fly at all persons like surly mastiffs. Blacks and whites go together to make up a world, and hence on the point of temper we have all sorts of people to deal with. Some are as easy as an old shoe, but they are hardly ever worth more than the other one of the pair; and others take fire as fast as tinder at the smallest offence, and are as dangerous as gunpowder. To have a fellow going about the farm as cross with everybody as a bear with a sore head, with a temper as sour as verjuice and as sharp as a razor, looking as surly as a butcher’s dog, is a great nuisance, and yet there may be some good points about the man, so that he may be a man for all that; but poor soft Tommy, as green as grass and as ready to bend as a willow, is nobody’s money and everybody’s scorn. A man must have a backbone, or how is he to hold his head up? but that backbone must bend, or he will knock his brow against the beam.
ON GOSSIPS.
“It is nothing — only a woman drowning,” is a wicked and spitful old saying, which, like the bridle, came out of the common notion that women do a world of mischief with their tongues. Is it so or not? John Ploughman will leave somebody else to answer, for he owns that he cannot keep a secret himself, and likes a dish of chat as well as anybody; only John does not care for cracking people’s characters, and hates the slander which is so sweet to some people’s teeth. John puts the question to wiser men than himself. Are women much worse than men in this business? They say that silence is a fine jewel for a woman, but it is very little worn. Is it so? Is it ti*ue that woman only conceales what she does not know? Are women’s tongues like lambs’ tails, always wagging? They say foxes are all tail, and women all tongue. Is this false or not? Was that old prayer a needful one — ‘*From big guns and women’s tongues deliver us?” John has a right good and quiet wife of his own, whose voice is so sweet that he cannot hear it too often, and, therefore, he is not a fair judge; but he is half afraid that some other women would sooner preach than pray, and would not require strong tea to set their clappers going; but still, what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, and some men are quite as bad blabs as the women.
ON SEIZING OPPORTUNITIES.
Some men never are awake when the train starts, but crawl into the station just in time to see that everybody is off, and then sleepily say, ‘’Dear me, is the train gone? My watch must have stopped in the n.ight!” They always come into town a day after the fair, and open their wares an hour after the market is over. They make their hay when the sun has left off shining, and cut their corn as soon as the fine weather is ended. They cry “hold hard!” after the shot has left the gun, and lock the stabledoor when the steed is stolen. They are like a cow’s tail, always behind; they take time by the heels, and not by the forelock, if indeed they ever take him at all.. They are no more worth than an old almanac; their time has gone for being of use; but, unfortunately, you cannot throw them away as you would the almanac, for they are like the cross old lady who had an annuity left to her, and meant to take out the full value of it; they won’t die, though they are of no use alive. Take-it-easy and Live-long are first cousins, they say, and the more’s the pity. If they are immortal till their work is done, they will not die in a hurry, for they have not even begun to work yet. Shiftless people generally excuse their laziness by saying, “they are only a little behind;” but a little too late is much too late, and a miss is as good as a mile.
ON KEEPING ONE’S EYES OPEN.
To get through this world a man must look about him, and even sleep with one eye open; for there are many baits for fishes, many nets for birds, and many traps for men. While foxes are so common, we must not be geese. There is a very great difference in this matter among people of my acquaintance; many see more with one eye than others with two and many have fine eyes and cannot see a jot. All heads are not sense-boxes. Some are so cunning that they suspect everybody, and so live all their lives m miserable fear of their neighbors; others are so simple that every knave takes them in, and makes his penny of them. One man tries to see through a brick wall, and hurts his eyes; while another finds out a hole in it, and sees as far as he pleases. Some work at the mouth of a furnace, and are never scorched, and others burn their hands at the fire when they only mean to warm them. Now, it is true that no one can give another experience, and we must all pick up wit for ourselves; yet I shall venture to give some of the homely cautidns which have served my turn, and perhaps they may be of use to others, as they have been to me.
DEBT.
When I was a very small boy, in pinafores, and went to a woman’s school, it so happened that I wanted a stick of slate-pencil, and had no money to buy it with. I was afraid of being scolded for losing my pencils so often, for I was a real careless little fellow, and so did not dare to ask at home j what then was John to do? There was a little shop in the place, where nuts, and tops, and cakes, and balls were sold by old Mrs. Dearson, and sometimes I had seen boys and girls get trusted by the old lady. I argued with myself that Christmas was coming, and that somebody or other would be sure to give me a penny then, and perhaps even a whole silver sixpence. I would, therefore, go into debt for a stick of slate-pencil, and be sure to pay at Christmas. I did not feel easy about it, but still I screwed my courage up, and went into the shop. One farthing was the amount, and as I had never owed anything before, and my credit was good, the pencil was handed over by the kind dame, and / was in debt. It did not please me much, and I felt as if I had done wrong, but I little knew how soon I shoul’d smart for it. How my father came to hear of this little stroke of business I never knew, but some little bird or other whistled it to him, and he was very soon down upon me in right earnest. God bless him for it; he was a sensible man, and none of your children spoilers; he did not intend to bring up his ‘children to speculate and play at what big rogues call financing, and therefore he knocked my getting into debt on the head at once, and no mistake. He gave me a very powerful lecture upon getting into debt, and how like it was to stealing, and upon the way in which people were ruined by it; and how a boy who would owe a farthing might one day owe a hundred pounds, and get into prison, and bring his family into disgrace. It was a lecture, indeed; I think I can hear it now, and can feel my ears tingling at the recollection of it. Then I was marched off to the shop like a deserter marched into barracks, crying bitterly all down the street, and feeling dreadfully ashamed because I thought everybody knew I was in debt. The farthing was paid, amid many solemn warnings, and the poor debtor was set free, like a bird let out of a cage. How sweet it felt to be out of debt.
- FAULTS.
He who boasts of bemg perfect is perfect in folly. I have been a good deal up and down in the world, and I never did either see a perfect horse or a perfect man, and I never shall till two“* Sundays come together You cannot get white flour out of a coal sack, nor perfection out of human nature; he who looks for it had better look for sugar in the sea. The old saying is, ‘Lifeless, faultless;” of dead men we should say nothing but good, but as for the living, they are all tarred more or less with the black brush, and half an eye can see it. Every head has a soft place in it, and every heart has its black drop. Every rose has its prickles, and every day its night. Even the sun shows spots, and the skies are darkened with clouds. Nobody is so wise but he has folly enough to stock a stall at Vanity Fair. Where I could not see the fool’s-cap, I have nevertheless heard the bells jingle. As there is no sunshine without some shadows, so is all human good mixed up more or less of evil; even poor-law guardians have their little failings, and parish beadles are not wholly of heavenly nature.
THINGS NOT WORTH TRYING.
That is a wise old saying, “Spend not all you have; believe not all you hear; tell not all you know, and do not all you can.” There is so much work to be done that needs our hands, that it is a pity to waste a grain of strength. When the game is not worth the candle, drop it at once. It is wasting time to look for milk in a gate-post, or blood in a turnip, or sense in a fool. Never ask a covetous man for money till you have boiled a flint soft. Don’t sue a debtor who has not a penny to bless himself with — you will only be throwing good money after bad, which is like losing your ferret without getting the rabbit. Never offer a looking-glass to a blind man; if a man is so proud that he will not see his faults, he will only quarrel with you for pointing them out to him. It is of no use to hold a lantern to a mole, or to talk of heaven to a man who cares for nothing but his dirty money. There is a time for everything, and it is a silly thing to preach to drunken men; it is casting pearls before swine; get them sober, and then talk to them soberly; if you lecture them while they are drunk, you act as if you were drunk vourself.
MEN WHO ARE DOWN.
No man’s lot is fully known till he is dead; change of fortune is the lot of life. He who rides in the carriage may yet have to clean it. Sawyers change places, and he who is up aloft may have to take his turn in the pit. The thought that we may ourselves be one day under the window, should make us careful when we are throwing out dirty water. With what measure we mete, it shall be measured to us again, and therefore let us look well to our dealings with the unfortunate.
Nothing makes me more sick of human nature than to see the way in which men treat others when they fall down the ladder of fortune: “Down with him,’^ they cry, “he always was good for nothing.”
“Down among the dead men, down, down, down, Down among the dead men, there let him lie.”
Dog won’t eat dog, but men will eat each other up like canninals, and boast of it too. There are thousands in this world who fly like vultures to feed on a tradesman or a merchant as soon as ever he gets into trouble. Where the carcass is thither will the eagles be gathered together. Instead of a little help, they give the sinking man a great deal of cruelty, and cry, “Serves him right.” xlll the world will beat the man whom fortune buffets. If providence smites him, all men’s whips begin to crack. The dog is drowning, and therefore all his friends empty their buckets over him. The tree has fallen, and everybody runs for his hatchet.
The house is on fire, and all the neighbors warm themselves. The man has ill luck, therefore his friends give him ill usage; he has tumbled into the road, and they drive their carts over him; he is down, and selfishness cries, “Let him be kept down, then there will be the more room for those who are up.”
SPENDING.
To earn money is easy compared with spending it well; anybody may dig up potatoes, but it is not one woman in ten that can cook them. Men do not become rich by what they get, but by what they save. Many men who have money are short of wit as a hog is of wool; they are under years of discretion, though they have turned forty, and make ducks and drakes of hundreds as boys do of stones. What their fathers got with rakes, they throw” away with shovel. After the miser comes the prodigal. Often men say of the spendthrift, his own father was no man’s friend but his Own; and now the son is no man’s enemy but his own; the fact is, the old gentleman went to hell by the lean road, and his son has made up his mind to go there by the fat.
HINTS AS TO THRIVING.
Hard work is the grand secret of success. Nothing but rags and poverty can come of idleness. Elbow-grease is the only stuff to make gold with. No sweat, no sweet. He who would have the crow’s eggs must climb the tree. Every man must build up his own fortune nowadays. Shirt-sleeves rolled up lead on to best broadcloth; and he who is not ashamed of the apron will soon be able to do without it. “Diligence is the mother of good luck,” as poor Richard says; but “Idleness is the devil’s bolster,” as John Ploughman says.
Believe in traveling on step by step; don’t expect
to be rich in a ‘ump:
Great greediness to reap
Helps not the money heap.
Slow and sure is better than fast and flimsy. Perseverance, by its daily gains, enriches a man far’ more than fits and starts of fortunate speculation. Little fishes are sweet. Every little helps, as the sow said when she snapped at a gnat. Every day a thread makes a skein in a year. Brick by brick houses are built. We should creep before we walk, walk before we run, and run before we ride. In getting rich, the more haste the worse speed. Haste trips up its own heels. Hasty climbers have sudden falls.
It is bad beginning business without capital. It is hard marketing with empty pockets. We want a nest-egg, for hens will lay where there are eggs already. It is- true you must bake with the flour you have, but if the sack is empty it might be quite as well not to set up for a baker. Making bricks without straw is easy enough compared with making money when you have none to start with. You, young gentleman, stay a journeyman a little longer, till you have saved a few pounds; fly when your wings have got feathers; but if you try it too soon you will be like the young rook that broke its neck through trying to fly before it was fledged. Every minnow wants to be a whale, but it is pru-’ dent to be a little fish “while you have but little water; when your pond becomes the sea, then swell as much as you like. Trading without capital is like building a house without bricks, making a fire without sticks, burning candles without wicks; it leads men into tricks, and lands them in a fix.
Don’t give up a small business till you see that a large one will pay you better. Even crumbs are bread.
Better a poor horse than an empty stall;
Better half a loaf than none at all.
Better a little furniture than an empty house. In these hard times, he who can sit on a stone and feed himself had better not move. From bad to worse is poor improvement. A crust is hard fare, but none at all is harder. Don’t jump out of the frying-pan into the fire. Remember many men have done well in very small shops. A little trade with profit is better than a great concern at a loss; a small fire that warms you is better than a large fire that burns you. A great deal of water can be got from a small pipe, if the bucket is always there to catch it. Large hares may be caught in small woods. A sheep may get fat in a small meadow, and starve in a great desert. He who undertakes too much succeeds but little. Two shops are like two stools, a man comes to the ground between them. You may burst a bag by trying to fill it too full, and ruin yourself by grasping at too much.
In a great river great lish are found,
But take good heed lest you be drown’d.
Make as few changes as you can; trees often transplanted bear little fruit. If you have difficulties in one place, you will have them in another; if you move because it is damp in the valley, you may find it cold on the hill. Where will the ass p-o that he will not have to work? Where can a cow live and not get milked? Where will you find land without stones, or meat without bones? Everywhere on earth men must eat bread in the sweat of their faces. To fly from trouble men must have eagie wings. Alteration is not always improvement, as the pigeon said when she got out of the net and into the pie. There is a proper time for changing, and then mind you bestir yourself, for a sitting hen gets no barley; but do not be forever on the shift, for a rolling stone gathers no moss. Stick-to-it is the conqueror. He who can wait long enough will win. This, that, and the other, anything and everything, all put together, make nothing in the end; but on one horse a man rides home in due season. In one place the seed grows, in one nest the bird hatches its eggs, in one oven the bread bakes, in one river the fish lives.
Do not be above your business. He who turns up his nose at his work quarrels with his bread and butter. He is a poor smith who is afraid of his own sparks: there’s some discomfort in all trades except chimney-sweeping. If sailors gave up going to sea because of the wet, if bakers left off baking because it is hot work, if plowmen would not plow because of the cold, and tailors would not make our clothes for fear of pricking their fingers, what a pass we should come to I
Nonsense, my fine fellow, there’s no shame about any honest calling; don’t be afraid of soiling your hands, there’s plenty of soap to be had. All trades are good to good traders. A clever man can make money out of dirt. Lucifer matches pay well, if you sell enough of them.