CHAP IV. Of the duties of the married to their family

1.A
Man and his wife, who before were members of other families, join together that they may become the roots of a new family:
Wherein by training up their servants and children, they provide plants for God’s vineyard, the church. In this family the husband is the head; the wife is the next, as subordinate to him. They are both to maintain and govern their family. First, they must join in providing it with all necessaries, imitating herein the father of this great family, the world, who fills every creature with good things fit for it. But they must govern as well as maintain their houshold; the man as God’s immediate officer, the woman as an officer deputed by him, not equal, but subordinate: he, by the authority derived immediately from God, she by authority derived from her husband.

2. The first point, in order to the due government of their family, is to educate their children well; more especially in their tender years. I cannot lay down a better method for this, than is laid down in a letter printed some years since; part of which is here subjoined.

*“According to your desire, I have collected the principal rules I observed in educating my family. The children (she had ten who came to man’s estate, eight of whom were frequently at home together) were put into a regular method of living, in such things as they were capable of, from their birth, as in dressing, undressing, changing their linen, &c.
The first quarter commonly passes in sleep. After that, they were, if possible, laid into their cradles awake, and rocked asleep, and so they were kept rocking till it was
time for them to awake. This was done to bring them to a regular course of sleeping, which at first was three hours in the morning, and three in the afternoon: afterwards two hours till they needed none at all.

*“When they were turned a year old, they were taught to fear the rod, and cry softly. By this means they escaped abundance of correction which otherwise they must have had, and that odious noise of the crying of children was rarely heard in the house.

*“As soon as they were grown pretty strong, they were confined to three meals a day. They were never suffered to chuse their meat, but always ate such things as were provided for the family. Whatever they had, they were never permitted to eat of more than one thing. Drinking or eating between meals was never allowed, but in case of sickness, which rarely happened.

*“At six they had their supper. At seven their maid washed them, and got them all to bed by eight. Then she left them in their several rooms awake: for we allowed no such thing, as sitting by a child till it fell asleep.

“They were so constantly used to eat and drink what was given them, that when any of them was ill, there was no difficulty in making them take the most unpleasant medicine. This I mention, to shew a person may be taught to take any thing, be it ever so disagreeable.

*“In order to form the minds of children, the first thing to be done, is, to conquer their will. To inform their understanding is a work of time, and must proceed by slow degrees: but the subjecting the will is a thing which must be done at once; and the sooner the better. For by our neglecting timely correction, they contract a stubbornness, which is hardly ever to be conquered, and never without using that severity, which would be as painful to us as to the children. Therefore I call those cruel parents, who pass for kind and indulgent: who permit their children to contract habits, which they know must be afterwards broken.

“Whenever a child is corrected, it must be conquered. And when his will is totally subdued, then a great many childish follies and inadvertencies may be past by. Some should be overlooked and taken no notice of, and others mildly reproved. But no wilful transgression should ever be forgiven, without chastisement, less or more.

“I insist upon conquering the wills of children betimes, because this is the only foundation of a religious education, without which both precept and example will be ineffectual. But when this is throughly done, then a child is capable of being governed by the reason of its parent, till its own understanding comes to maturity, and the principles of religion have taken root.

*“I cannot yet dismiss this subject. As self-will is the root of all sin and misery, so whatever cherishes this in children, ensures their after wretchedness and irreligion; and whatever checks and mortifies it, promotes their future happiness and piety. This is still more evident, if we consider, that religion is nothing else but the doing the will of God, not our own: and that self-will being the grand impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness, no indulgence of it can be trivial, no denial of it unprofitable. Heaven or hell depends on this alone. So that the parent who studies to subdue it in his children, works together with God in the saving a soul; the parent who indulges it, does the devil’s work, makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies, to damn his child, soul and body for ever.”

3. This advice, first, to conquer the wills of children, is exactly agreeable to the apostle’s direction to parents, Eph. vi. 4.
Train them up, (I do not say, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; for I know not what that odd expression means, but) ἐν παιδεία καὶ νουθεσία Κυρίου,
in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ἐν ♦παιδεία,
in the discipline first; then ἐν νουθεσία,
in Christian knowledge; because they may be inured to discipline, before they are capable of instruction. *This therefore I cannot but earnestly repeat, break their wills betimes: begin this great work before they can run alone, before they can speak plain, perhaps before they can speak at all. Whatever pains it costs, conquer their stubbornness:
break the will, if you would not damn the child. I conjure you, not to neglect, not to delay this. Therefore, 1. Let a child, from a year old, be taught to fear the rod, and to cry softly. It cannot be exprest, how much pains this will save both to the parent and the child. In order to this, 2. Let him have nothing he cries for; absolutely nothing, great or small. Let this be an unvariable rule; else you undo all your own work. 3. At all events, from that age, make him do as he is bid, if you whip him ten times running to effect it. Let none persuade you it is cruelty to do this: it is real cruelty, not to do it. If you spare the rod, you spoil the child; if you do not conquer, you ruin him. Break his will now, and his soul shall live, and he will probably bless you to all eternity.

4. *But we are by nature not only full of self-will, but likewise of pride, atheism, anger, falshood and idolatry. Now the end of education is to counteract and remove all the corruption of nature; of Christian education in particular, termed by St. Paul, the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Set yourselves, therefore, ye Christian parents, to the work. Indeed it is not a little one. In order to accomplish it, you will need both the wisdom and the power of God: in order to root up, instead of strengthening, as most do, all these roots of bitterness. Self-will has been spoken of already. The next evil you are to oppose in children is pride. In order to guard against this, 1. Never commend them to their face, either for their goodness, sense or beauty. It is deadly poison. It is the direct way to plunge their souls in everlasting perdition. 2. Suffer no other to do it, if you can possibly prevent it: and if any should commend them, in their hearing, regard not ♦complaisance, or good-breeding so called, but check them immediately. 3. Lovingly shew them their faults, especially their wrong tempers, as soon as ever their understanding dawns. 4. In particular, labour to convince them of atheism: shew them, that they are without God in the world: that they do not know God; that they do not love, delight in, or enjoy him, any more than do the beasts that perish. 5. Do not teach them revenge: never say, “Who hurts my child? Give me a blow for him.” Do not encourage them in anger, by laughing at, or seeming pleased with their little froward tricks. Rather check them for the least appearance of it, much more for an angry word or action. 6. Let property be inviolably maintained among your little ones. Let none of them dare to take the very least thing, not an apple or a pin, without, much less, against the consent of the owner. 7. Do not teach them lying. Never say, “It was not my child that did so.” On the contrary, inure them to confess their faults, and to tell the truth at all hazards. 8. Begin early to guard them against idolatry, against the love of the world in all its branches. Do nothing to feed in them the desire of the flesh; that is, of the pleasures of sense. Keep them (on this account, as well as on account of health) to the plainest, simplest diet. If they do not want it as physic, let them taste no liquid till ten or twelve years old, but water or milk. Above all, let no tea come within their lips, no strong drink of any kind. If they never have it, they will never desire it. It is wholly your fault if they do. Do nothing to feed in them the desire of the eye. Let their dress also be plain and simple. Let them always (so far as your circumstances will allow) be clean, but never fine. Let them never wear any thing that is ♠showy, any thing that is gay or glittering. Put nothing upon them that attracts the eye, either their own, or that of others. Give them nothing, nor suffer others to give them any thing that is purely ornamental. Dress your children just as you dress yourself, that when they are grown up, they may have nothing to unlearn. More full directions on these heads, and many others, you have in the “Instructions for Children,” which I advise every parent to read again and again, and to put it in practice with all his power.

5. The government of your family in general respects matters of God, and matters of the world. Your first care must be, that the living God be duly worshipped by all in your house. To this end, you must read the scriptures, call upon the name of God among them, and catechise them in the principles of religion, that none under your roof may be ignorant of the great truths of the gospel. To this end also you must see, that they sanctify the sabbath: you must carefully and constantly bring them to the public assemblies, and examine them afterwards, how they profit thereby. If this care be wanting, you will want the blessing of God on all your other cares. Wherefore, let man and wife be principally helpful to each other in this business. When the husband is present, let him read and pray with the family, and teach them the fear of the Lord. In his absence, let his wife do these duties, or at least take care to see them done. And let both of them provide and allow convenient time and leisure for the same: and let each quicken the slackness of the other, if either begin to grow weary. If he is worse than an infidel, who provideth not food and cloathing for his family, what is he that lets their souls go naked, for want of that which is both food and cloathing to them; I mean, instruction in the things that pertain to life and godliness? Herein, then, let all husbands and wives be of one mind in the Lord, using all good means to plant and water piety in the hearts of all that are under their care.

6. As to matters of the world, first, They must appoint their inferiors such works and services, as they are severally fit for, and then follow and look after them, that they may perform those services. Had not the Lord seen, that inferiors would need this, he would not have made this difference in the family. But God saw, that the best servants need this help, and therefore ordained governors; generally two, that the absence of the one might be supplied by the presence of the other. Secondly, You must mark the carriage of your inferiors, and see what disorders do, or are ready to break in, whether openly or secretly, that they may be either prevented or resisted speedily. Idleness, tatling, discord, and many more evils, are apt to steal even on good servants and children, which the Lord well knowing, made rulers in the house, to keep all in good order: and if this care be some trouble, yet the mischiefs which arise from the want of it are much more troublesome: whereas, if the eyes of the master and mistress be always open, much peace will follow in the house. Thirdly, You must join in admonishing, encouraging, reproving, and, if need be, correcting your inferiors. Both must discountenance what is evil, and encourage what is good. And in so doing you must take care to maintain each other’s authority to the full. If one encourage, the other must not oppose; if one reprove, the other must not defend. If he see cause to correct the children, she must not grow angry or hinder: neither, when she would correct, must he save them out of her hands. Nay, suppose either should exceed, correcting either without cause, or above measure, the other must not find fault, in hearing of the inferiors; but they must debate the matter between themselves, and keep their disagreements from appearing in the family. So therefore join hands, that your dissention may not blast the fruit of all your endeavours. So shall you preserve your authority, ♦increase your love to each other, and procure amendment in your inferiors.