An EXTRACT of Miss Mary Gilbert’s Journal

TO THE READER.

1.AMONG the innumerable novelties which have appeared in the world, within half a century, I do not remember to have seen the experience of a child written by herself. Herein much variety is not to be expected, nor any art or ornament at all: as she set down from time to time, merely for her own use, just what occurred between God and her own soul. But on this very account, persons of understanding will set the greater value upon it: because it contains only genuine Christian experience, painted in its native colours.

2. The reflections occasionally interspersed, are always just, frequently strong and affecting: particularly those on death, or the shortness of life, especially from the mouth of a child. And the language wherein they are expressed, altho’ plain and altogether unstudied, is yet pure and terse in the highest degree, yea frequently elegant: such as the most polite either of our lawyers or divines would not easily alter for the better. Such language I hardly know where to find, unless in the almost inimitable letters of Jane Cooper: between whom and Miss Gilbert there was a remarkable resemblance, both in sentiment and expression. And had it pleased the all-wise Disposer of all things, to give her a few more years on earth, and an increase of grace in proportion to her years, she would have been another Jane Cooper.

JOHN WESLEY.

Liverpool,
April 7th, 1768.

A short ACCOUNT of
Miss MARY GILBERT.

THE ensuing account it is hoped may animate those who are in the morning of life, to a due improvement of their time, in remembering their Creator
in the days of their youth; so that they may offer him the first fruits of those precious moments, in which they are probationers for an awful eternity: and which when past,
whether they have been employed in the important ♦task
or not, are irrecoverably gone.

If it has this happy effect, the desired end will be fully answered, which is, that God’s grace and saving power may be manifested, in additional instances, both of living and dying witnesses.

Miss Mary Gilbert, was the eldest daughter of Nathaniel Gilbert, of the island of Antigua, Esq;
by his wife Elizabeth, both persons of good families and eminent piety, whose chief study it was to train up their children in the knowledge of God and his ways, according to the established religion of the church of England.

She was born in the same island on the 28th of February, 1751, under the happy circumstance of having parents, who as they were wanting in no act of care and tenderness to their offspring, so took care in particular to make them like young Timothy, acquainted from their infancy with the holy scriptures. In the earliest dawn of reason she discovered an extraordinary capacity and uncommon understanding; a great willingness to learn; and a desire of being instructed, which often occasioned her to ask the most pertinent questions. Such a genius was observed by her parents with much gratitude, to him who is the author and dispenser of every good and perfect gift. Her natural disposition was a mixture of good and evil. She was a strict observer of truth, which appeared to arise from a nobleness of mind, which made her incapable of those meannesses from whence the vice of falshood springs. But as every flower in nature’s garden, however blooming needs improving, so did this principle in her; for as it was productive of some virtues, so it no less occasioned the greatest blemishes in her temper; such as high-spiritedness, pride and self-will; which notwithstanding the shining example of her parents, and their care to restrain, would, while she was very young often gain an ascendency.

In the year 1757, her father and mother made a voyage to England, (bringing this daughter and their other children with them) entirely upon a religious account, and in order to enjoy the company of some who were esteemed persons of remarkable piety and extensive usefulness, and with them to partake of those sacred privileges, with which their native island was not yet favoured. During their residence in England, she shewed the greatest delight in reading religious books, and in receiving the instruction of serious Christians, who were frequently entertained at her father’s house. So that what was recorded of the royal psalmist, might be asserted of her, All her delight was in the saints upon earth. Her father’s affairs calling him back to Antigua, he, with his family left England, in the beginning of the year 1759, taking with them a person whose sentiments and abilities they approved of, to whose care they committed the education of their children, for whom their daughter Mary soon contracted a very tender affection; far from shunning the company of one that was to correct her faults, and whose presence must restrain the little levities of childhood. She for these very reasons, delighted in being constantly confined with her, even in those hours which she might have spent at play with her sisters. These seasons she employed in improving her mind, and having the liberty of retiring into a closet within her governess’s chamber, she would continue in it for a long time every day reading, praying, and meditating, and her remarks upon what she read, were often just, and instructive.

As soon as she had learned to write, she seldom failed noting down whatever appeared useful in any author she read; and having a very retentive memory, she stored it with scripture truths, so that many of her relatives and others, were greatly surprised at her readiness in repeating, and finding out almost any text in those sacred pages. She likewise wrote several books of well collected texts, in proof of some of the fundamental doctrines of the church of England, such as, The fallen state of man, the necessity of repentance, of the new birth, and of holiness. Before she was twelve years of age, she corresponded with some persons in England, and her letters were much admired; tho’ as she grew older, her stile greatly improved, so that she had acquired both an easy and elegant manner of addressing different persons, and upon various occasions, tho’ religion was her constant theme: herein, as in other instances, endeavouring to redeem as much as possible the golden moments of her contracted span.

Thus she gently and profitably passed five years of her pilgrimage, without variation, and exempt from vicissitudes under her parents roof, till in the year 1764, they thought it most for her advantage to send her to England, to finish her education. Here she arrived the 28th of May that year: from that time boarding with an aunt, and being under the care of the same tutoress, who had before gone with her to Antigua. This separation from the best of parents, could not but prove an afflictive circumstance to one of her great sensibility, and who was a most dutiful and affectionate child; but this was alleviated by the pleasing hopes they gave her, that they themselves would soon come and reside in England, a thought which as it enabled her chearfully to bear their absence, so it animated her to a more than ordinary improvement of time, in order to render them the utmost satisfaction, when she should have the happiness of being restored to them; a period, which she often mentioned with the greatest delight; but which the infinitely wise disposer of events saw right never to indulge her with. It was with great pleasure that we observed, as her years increased, her good understanding, and the power of religion entirely prevailed over those tempers, which have before been mentioned, so that she became, every day more amiable, and was more endeared to all that knew her. On the first of January 1765, she began to keep a diary, chiefly consisting of the Lord’s dealings with her soul. This will give a juster conception of her understanding in the way of godliness, of her improvement of time, and the propriety of her sentiments on many occasions, than any thing that could be said upon the subject. She was one of those happy few, who are not afraid of being singularly pious, and was deeply convinced that the service of God is no impediment to, but the greatest augmentation of true happiness, in every period and circumstance of life. She had learned to disdain the follies of the world, always chusing plainness and neatness in dress, rather than gaiety and extravagance, and preferring an hour’s solitude, spent in communing with her own heart, or in searching the word of God, before all those trifling amusements, which so much engross the attention, and waste the time of the generality of persons of all ages.

Thus though young in years, she contemplated her latter end, and applied her heart unto true wisdom, and is now reaping the vast advantage in a blest eternity. She was so exercised in the needful duty of self-inspection, as to discern the imperfection of her best performances, and utterly to disclaim every other hope of obtaining the divine favour than that built on the sure foundation, Jesus Christ and him crucified. An interest in his atoning blood, was what she sincerely sought after; being truly sensible of the necessity of being born again, before we can enter into the kingdom of heaven. She thought the time long ere she was admitted into the glorious liberty of the children of God; and would greatly deplore her own instability, levity, and want of earnestness, to which she attributed her Lord’s delay; but these things tho’ felt by her tender and enlightened conscience, did not appear to others. And the Lord was not slack concerning his promise, as her following experience proved, when he came suddenly to the temple of her heart, never to leave her more. Some weeks before her last sickness she told a friend, that she had been greatly led out in the meditation of death, that she formerly considered it as very dreadful, but had of late seen it in a different view: so that if it would please God to finish his work in her soul, she could be content, young as she was, to give up all that were dear below, in hope of receiving them again in that eternal day. A few days before her disorder seized her, being asked by a friend, concerning the state of her soul, she said, “she had a confidence that God would not long with-hold the blessing, that she soon should know his pardoning love, and, that she was patiently waiting upon him.” As soon as she was taken ill, (which was on the 10th of January, 1768,) she was asked how she found her mind? She replied, “Quite composed, that she believed the Lord had visited her in love, and that whether it terminated in life, or death, it would be greatly to her advantage.” During the whole time of her illness not a doubt seemed to disturb her, nor did she ever lose her stedfast hope, that if she was taken, the Lord would perfect his work in her soul. She was also endued with a constant spirit of prayer, and to all around behaved with the utmost patience and meekness. She seldom complained, and declared she had not a murmuring thought, tho’ she appeared to suffer exquisitely; her disorder being a putrid fever, with a sore throat, which mortified some days before her dissolution: it was likewise attended with a deafness that encreased gradually, till at last there was no conversing with her. She was also deprived very early of speech, which as she retained her senses, rendered her situation very trying, as well as deprived her friends of that profit and satisfaction, which might otherwise have been expected. But on Thursday the 14th, (before the disease had made so great a progress, tho’ even then her speech was thick, and her hearing dull) she desired the whole family, would come and pray with her, and to some of her friends made this good confession: that she had found Christ, that she loved God, knowing that he had first loved her, that she was now neither afraid nor unwilling to die; and that she experienced unspeakable, and till now, unknown happiness. From this time she spoke but little, except about two days afterwards, when she said to one who desired her to speak to her, that she was perfectly resigned to the divine will; this she uttered with difficulty, and could add no more. But tho’ her lips were thus closed to all below, it was evident, her heart was open to God in prayer, which was discernable from the frequent lifting up of her hands and eyes with great devotion; in this posture she sweetly yielded up her spirit on the 21st instant, at the age of near 17 years.

An EXTRACT from her
JOURNAL.

TUESDAY, January 1st, 1765, when I awoke in the morning, I found my heart raised in thankfulness to God for his mercies, in bringing me to the beginning of another year; and found my soul much in the same frame all the day. *O! may this year be spent more to the glory of my Almighty Maker and Preserver, than the last has been: and may every thought, word and work, tend to this glorious end.

Wednesday 2, I found a blessing while dressing, but lost it by giving way to levity; yet the
merciful Lord restored it to me in the evening: blessed be his name.

Thursday 3. I found my soul in a dead, dull frame, with a great disinclination to duty, which I did not yield to, and tho’ I found no immediate blessing, yet I doubt not, but the Lord was pleased with my endeavours to wait upon him.

Friday 4. I awoke with some degree of comfort, and had my thoughts stayed on the things of God. I found a desire, while I heard the book of martyrs read, of being like them; but could not submit to die for the truth as they did; it seemed too great a trial to flesh and blood: yet I trust was the Lord to call me to it, he would give me strength to bear it.

Saturday 5. I spent the morning in writing letters to my dear friends in Antigua, for whom I find the most tender affection. O! that we may all at length meet around the throne, and stand at the last day among the sheep at his right hand!

“O that each in the day

Of his coming, might say,

I have fought my way thro’.

I have finished the work thou didst give me to do.”

Sunday 6. In the morning my thoughts were very wandering and my mind much discomposed. When I came up, I read and writ my journal,
and spent the rest of the morning comfortably. In the afternoon I read the experience of Elizabeth West. May I like the bee suck honey out of every flower, gather profit out of every book I read, every sermon I hear, and every occurrence in life, let it seem ever so trifling. The evening text was Isaiah lviii. 1.
Cry aloud and spare not, &c.
The preacher shewed our transgressions in the most glaring colours, and my own conscience convicted me that I had done all which he had mentioned, and more too: so that were I to be tried by works, I could not be saved.

Monday 7. I found my heart raised in thankfulness for the mercies of the night past. O for a continuance of it! Surely had I always a deep sense of the innumerable obligations I owe to my Almighty benefactor, it would keep me from falling into many of those things, which are so prevalent over me. Lord give me a thankful heart.

Tuesday 8. I awoke in a serious frame, but it did not continue long; for I yielded too much to wandering thoughts, which robbed me of that blessing. Lord make me more watchful for the future! In the evening my uncle preached a funeral sermon, on, It is appointed unto men once to die, &c. Hebrews ix. 27. My soul was very much blest, and stirred up to seek the Lord, but O how soon do my good resolutions die away. They are like the morning cloud, and the early dew which passeth away. Lord strengthen, and confirm them.

Wednesday 9. I found my soul in a very dead frame, and continued so all the day. I may truly say,

“My drowsy powers why sleep ye so?

Awake my sluggish soul!

Nothing has half thy work to do.

Yet nothing’s half so dull.”

Thou God of love quicken my drooping powers! Stir up and awaken my insensible soul, and give me to seek thy face with my whole heart! And O be thou found of me!

Thursday 10. I was very cold and dead all the day, and found neither power, nor inclination, to pray or read, which I yielded to; and passed the day without performing either of these duties. O my God, pardon my sins of omission, as well as those of commission. They are both as innumerable as the hairs of my head, but thy mercies are still more.

Friday 11. I was very busy this day with setting my things in order, which were come from London, and being in a hurry, my mind was not as stayed as I could have wished. O my God, gather in my scattered thoughts, and let my mind be fixt entire on thee!

Saturday 12. I was enabled, blessed be the Lord, to be serious and watchful. In the evening, Mr.
Rodda preached. His text was Mark xii. 24.
Thou art not far from the kingdom of
God. I was much blest under the sermon, and my mind was stayed on what was delivered.

Sunday 13. In the evening, my uncle preached on Isaiah xxx. 21. This is the way, walk ye in it. I found my thoughts much composed, but being in great pain, I could not attend, as much as I found myself inclined to do. O how many hindrances have we while below! Sometimes from the world, sometimes from the infirmities of the body; and very often from a corrupt heart! Lord, do thou arm me with thy Spirit’s might, and enable me to combat and overcome, all the enemies of my salvation.

Monday 14. Our class met at ten as usual, but my soul was in a very wandering dead frame, and afterwards I was light and trifling; this is the natural consequence of the other, if not strove against.

Tuesday 15. I was in a very cold indifferent frame all the day. In the evening while my uncle catechised us, such a spirit of laughter came upon us, that we could hardly speak. Lord deliver us from a light, trifling spirit, as also from an unloving, disputing spirit.

“Mutual love the token be,

Lord, that we belong to thee.”

In the evening my uncle preached on Hosea xiv. 1, 2.
My soul was blest especially in singing the last hymn, in which are these sweet words.

“He’ll never quench the smoking flax,

But raise it to a flame:

The bruised reed he never breaks,

Nor scorns the meanest name.”

Wednesday 16. I arose this morning with some degree of recollection and stayedness upon my spirit. It partly continued all the day; but in the evening, yielding to levity, I lost it. Lord, give me power over a trifling spirit! Give me a continual sense of thy presence! Then I shall not easily yield to this or any other temptation. I retired and read the 3d chapter of Matthew. Went to prayer, and found enlargement in it.

Thursday 17. All this day I was in a very disagreeable frame, which I cannot well describe. I retired, read the psalms, and the 4th
of Matthew. O may I like our blessed Lord when tempted, answer the tempter with the word of God. The text this evening was Isaiah liv. 22.
Look unto me and be ye saved. My thoughts were very wandering all the time. O when will my mind be constantly fixed on, and looking to that glorious object of our faith and love!

Friday 18. My soul was in a cold dead frame, and so it continued all the day, yea all the week. For tho’ I cannot accuse myself of the omission of any known duty, yet such a total indifferency I have not felt for some time. O that God would give me to see the fatal cause, the accursed thing that keeps my heart from him!

Saturday 19. I was much in the same state, and felt not the least life in any duty till evening. Then the Lord enabled me to pour out my complaints into his compassionate bosom, with great enlargement. When Mrs. L――. met me, I told her my state, she advised me not to let my deadness discourage me, but still to hold on in the ways of the Lord, who perhaps might be proving and trying me to see if I would do so or not. This gave me some comfort, and left me hopes that he would at length come and visit my soul with his salvation.

Sunday 20. My uncle’s text this evening was Luke xiii. 3.
I tell ye nay, but except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. The word came with power to my heart. O God, give me grace that I may not prove a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the word, that so I may be blessed in my deed.

Monday 21. I found a desire when I awoke to spend the day to the glory of God, and I made it my earnest prayer to him that he would enable me to do it. I bless God, that through his grace I was serious, and found my mind stayed on him in some measure. O that I may always have a recollected spirit! Thou Lord, hast promised to keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.

Tuesday 22. My mind was in some measure serious, but not as much as the day before. The text to-night was Habakkuk ii. 4.
The just shall live by his faith. My thoughts were much drawn off
on account of my being to set the tune, lest I should forget it. O how easily doth the enemy get an advantage over me, when I am not standing upon my guard! Lord, give me a watchful spirit!

Wednesday 23. My soul seemed like a barren wilderness, where nothing but weeds and thorns grow; nothing but evil did I find in my heart. O my God, give me thyself; then shall this wilderness become like a watered garden which thou hast planted.

Thursday 24. I found my mind kept in a serious frame all the day, blessed be God.

Friday 25. I continued in a serious frame, which I bless God, lasted all the day. O how much sweeter is it to be in such a state, than to enjoy all that the world calls pleasure! But indeed it is only they who term it so. The people of God see there is no pleasure in these foolish things; for surely nothing can satisfy an immortal soul created for the enjoyment of God, but God himself.

Saturday 26. I have reason to praise the Lord, that I found my soul still serious; this I account a great blessing, especially to me, who am naturally of such a trifling spirit.

Monday 28. When I awoke, my thoughts were still stayed, and I bless God, I was in a serious frame all the day. O my soul, if thou hadst always an awful sense of the divine presence, thou wouldest be always serious and recollected,
for it is impossible that a soul which considers God is present should dare to behave in a trifling manner before his awful majesty.

Thursday 31. The evening text was Matthew xi. 28.
Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden, &c.
My mind was taken up with observing a gentleman and lady who were laughing and talking together all the sermon time. Lord forgive my sin and lay it not to my charge.

Friday February 1. My mind was much stayed on the things of God when I awoke and it continued so all the day.

Saturday 2. My soul was much alive this day, and I was given to see more clearly than ever, the mystery of iniquity which is in my heart. O thou who searchest and triest the reins of the children of men, give me to see more and more of the sinfulness of it, and do thou wash and cleanse it in the blood of Jesus.

Monday 4. This morning we experienced God’s providential care over us; for the chimney of the little parlour took fire, and might have done great mischief had it not been discovered in time. Thus the Lord took care of us ♦where
we knew of no danger, and could not take care of ourselves.

Thursday 7. This day my uncle, and Miss H――e sat out hastily for Bristol, ♦where
my Aunt B――ly was in great distress, Mr.
B――ly having died suddenly, and left her among strangers, with whom she was quite unacquainted till within three
or four weeks. O how many unforeseen troubles are we liable to, which are all so many calls to us, to lay up our heart and treasure above.

Sunday 10. Mr. Rodda preached on Matthew iii. 10.
The discourse, blessed be God, came with power to my soul. O Lord give me the hearing ear, the seeing eye, and the understanding heart.

Monday 11. This morning being to be taken measure off for our mourning, we were obliged to go out, which dissipated my thoughts very much. O what a little serves to draw our minds from God! But alas they are not so easily drawn off other things; such enemies are we to ourselves.

Tuesday 12. My thoughts were pretty much stayed this day, and I was enabled to resist a temptation not to go to prayer because the weather was cold, and I was unwilling to leave the fire.

Wednesday 13. In the evening I read Miss Cooper’s life and letters. Then we all joyned in prayer. My soul was blest and enlarged in that duty. When I was in bed, I took a review of my past life, and found reason to humble myself before God, for my unfaithfulness in not making a better use of his many mercies to me. But O may I now begin and serve and love him all my days.

Monday 18, Tuesday 19. My soul was in a serious and yet dead frame these days. O may I improve every state I am in; and make the very
temptations of the enemy, serve ♦as
weapons to fight against him with. Thus shall I by throwing his darts back upon his own head, force him to fly from me.

Thursday 21. I was in a comfortable frame of spirit this day. In the evening whilst I was conversing with my sisters and cousins upon religion, I found my soul greatly blest; and I was much enlarged afterwards in praying with them, blessed be God.

Sunday 24. I finished writing the life of that excellent man, Mr.
Blackerby; O may I live his life, die his death, and be in the place where doubtless he now is. There I shall be free from all impurity, all sorrow, all sin, and be eternally out of the reach of death.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I was in a serious, tho’ dead frame. Lord, quicken, strengthen, and comfort me by thy word, and spirit.

*Thursday 28. Was my birth-day. I found a desire, and resolution, to be more devoted to God the ensuing year, than I was the foregoing. O may the Lord enable me to perform my resolutions. I also found serious reflections on the shortness of life, and thankfulness to God, for sparing me to see fourteen years. O may I let these reflections have their due weight, and influence on all my conduct for the time to come. And always consider that

“My life is a dream,

My time as a stream,

Glides swiftly away:

And the fugitive moments for no one will stay.”

Lord, do thou give me so to number my days, that I may apply my heart unto wisdom.

Saturday, March 2. My uncle returned home, and with him my aunt B――ly, whom I was much rejoiced to see.

Saturday 9. This evening poor Mrs. L――, was taken extreamly ill. It brought many serious reflections to my mind. Well may we say, in the midst of life we are in death. O may I always consider this and never yield to levity, or any thing which is displeasing to a God of the strictest purity, who may strike me dead in a moment; and since I may die this day, let me spend this and every other as tho’ it were my last.

Sunday 17. At night as I sat by the fire-side, I found my soul blest, and many serious reflections brought to my mind, which continued till I went to bed.

Monday 18. I awoke in much the same state, and continued so all the day, blessed be God.

Tuesday 19. The text this evening was John v. 8.
Wilt thou be made whole? My heart seemed ♦to
reply, Yea, Lord, I will if thou wilt: and of this I need not doubt; for thou art always more ready to give, than I am to receive. O that thou ♠would’st ever

“Make me willing to receive,

All thy goodness waits to give.”

Saturday 23. My soul was much blest, and my heart raised in thankfulness for the many mercies I have received at the hands of my merciful God: at the same time I was humbled under a sense of the ungrateful returns I have made him.

“When all the mercies of my God

My rising soul surveys,

Why, my cold heart, art thou not lost,

In wonder, love, and praise.”

Sunday 24. Mr. Murry, preached from Numbers xxiii. 10.
Let me die the death of the righteous, &c.
O may I not only die his death, but also live his life; for indeed ’tis impossible to do the former, unless we first do the latter.

Saturday 30. Mr. F――l, in the evening preached on John xx. 19. Peace be unto you. Tho’ I was much tempted with drowsiness under the word, yet some parts of it were greatly blest to me. He afterwards met the society, and told them, that in several places both in this round, and others, numbers were convinced and brought to Christ. O may I be one!

“Into that happy number, Lord,

A weary sinner take,

Jesus, fulfil thy gracious word,

For thy own mercy’s sake.”

Sunday 31. I spent the morning in reading the eight last chapters of Romans, and Mr.
Wesley’s notes upon them. Indeed I think they are a most beautiful part of the scripture. O that they and every other part of that holy book may be written upon my heart.

Sunday, April 7. Was Easter-day. I was prevented from hearing the sermon by a violent tooth-ach. O how many pains are we subject to while in this mortal life! But when this mortal shall put on immortality, what a glorious change shall we undergo? Lord, let this change pass upon me, and to that end let me now rise from a death of sin unto a life of righteousness.

“Thy resurrection’s power impart,

And rise triumphant in my heart.”

Thursday 11. At noon, we had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr.
John Wesley’s company to dinner; and in the evening he preached on Jeremiah viii. 22.
Is there no balm in Gilead, &c.
His conversation was very edifying, and God blest it to my poor soul.

Friday 12. At five in the morning, Mr.
Wesley preached on Psalms lxxxiv. 1.
How amiable are thy tabernacles, O Lord of hosts. At night we took leave of him, and of my uncle, aunt, and
Mrs. L――. These at one in the morning set out for Liverpool, and he at five for Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

Sunday 14. I found my mind much oppressed with perplexing thoughts concerning my dear parents. But why, O my soul, dost thou suffer these anxious cares to oppress thy troubled breast? Is not the God who gave me these tender parents at liberty to take them from me? And is he not able to raise me up friends in their room? Besides, this is caring for the morrow. Is it not time enough to make myself uneasy when the trial comes, without anticipating what may never be? Then, O my soul, trust thou in God: for he will be the help of my countenance, and my God.

Saturday 20. I was all this day in a fretful frame, which I too much yielded to. O God, give me power over this, and every other easily besetting sin.

Sunday 21. I read a letter of Miss B――ts to Mr. Wesley, concerning the manner of her bringing up the poor children that she has taken. In which I could not help observing the power of faith. How has she surmounted every difficulty that stood in her way. O may I like her live by faith, till I shall go to live

“Where faith is sweetly lost in sight,

And hope in full supream delight,

And everlasting love.”

Monday 22. Expecting our friends home from Liverpool, Miss H――e, and I sat up to receive them; about twelve at night they came very much fatigued. They informed us of a narrow escape they had met with; the coach they were in was overturned with six people in it, and some on the outside: yet not one was hurt. Surely the providence of God was over them for good. I soon got to bed sleepy enough, and when asleep, I dreamt a very particular dream: *I thought Mrs. L―― bid my cousin A――, and me look out at a window, and we should see an angel, who would tell us comfortable news. We did, and after some time we saw a bright star, which grew brighter and brighter, till an angel appeared exceedingly beautiful and majestic. As he came nearer I was quite overwhelmed at his presence, and could scarce look at him, his lustre so dazzled my eyes. When he approached me, I thought I faintly uttered these words; “Speak, Lord, thy servant heareth.” At this he said, “The Lord has sent me to tell you, that all your sins are forgiven, and will never be remembered against you any more, unless you fall again into sin. He has blotted out your transgressions, and cast them behind his back.” I immediately said, How can these things be? Can I, who am so great a sinner, and have never truly repented be forgiven? He answered; “With God nothing is impossible. Continue waiting upon God in his appointed way, and you will soon find the truth of these promises:” He spoke much to me concerning my unbelief, and then suddenly disappeared, leaving me quite overwhelmed, but much comforted. O that my dream may be shortly fulfilled.

Saturday 27. I was in a very cold dead frame all the day, and when I retired to prayer in the evening, I found no life, but still I had the blessing of waiting upon God, and an earnest desire and panting in my soul for faith, tho’ I could not utter a word. Lord, let me never rest till I get this pearl of great price into my possession; then shall I be truly happy, and not till then.

Sunday, May 5. My uncle met the society, and informed them of his being to leave them soon. The sorrow that sat on every countenance would have drawn tears from any ones eyes, who could in the least sympathize with another’s grief. O Lord what is man! How various, how unforeseen, often are the changes of this short life! Lord, prepare me for whatever thou hast in thy wisdom prepared for me.

Monday 6. We were in a great hurry in packing up all the day, and at night sat up till twelve o’clock. Having a violent cold, I was quite disordered all the next day, so as not to be able to read or pray, or do any thing else as I would. O how does this corruptible body press down the soul! But when it shall escape from this prison of clay, and wing its way to the mansions of eternal joy; how will it exult in the glorious change, and rejoice in being delivered from this dungeon which has so long clogged it with its manifold infirmities!

Thursday 9. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs.
W――h to the old castle on the top of the hill, where it seems Lady Catherine Parr, the last wife of King Henry the VIII.
was born. Indeed it is a venerable ruin, and strongly shews what all worldly grandeur must come to. O that I and all that are near and dear to me, may never desire such fading transitory enjoyments! But may we seek for and obtain a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.

“Jerusalem, the saint’s abode,

Whose founder is the living God.”

Monday 13. I bless God, I found my soul in a very serious frame this day, having a measure of the spirit of prayer. O may it always continue! *In the afternoon we took a walk to the mount, which was thrown up to batter down the old castle on the top of the hill. It was delightfully pleasant to see all the green fields and the little lonely houses that stand there. I could have liked to stay there all the afternoon, the weather was so calm and serene, and all nature seemed lively and sprightly. O was my soul but illuminated by the Sun of Righteousness as this earth is by the material sun! How happy, how unspeakably happy, would it be in the possession of such a blessing!

“If this felicity were mine,

I every other would resign,

With just and holy scorn:

Chearful and blithe my way pursue,

And with the promised land in view,

Singing to God return.”

Tuesday 14. I found my soul in a serious frame all the day long, blessed be God who kept me so.

Thursday 16. I found my soul alive. My uncle’s text was God is love. 1 John xvi. 4.

Friday 17. I still continued in some measure blest. Lord increase the spark and let it grow into a flame!

Saturday 18. I was much tempted to levity, which I gave way to. But while Mr.
C――k was preaching in the evening from these words, O Israel thou hast destroyed thyself: but in me is thine help. Hosea xiii. 9.
My soul was much refreshed, and afterwards I was enabled to watch against every thing that might deprive me of it, so that I lay down, and rose with it again the next morning, all thanks be ascribed to God, for had I been left to myself, I should undoubtedly have lost it immediately.

Sunday 19. I awoke in the same watchful spirit,
and an eager desire for faith, which I was enabled to pray for with great earnestness.

Monday 20. I yielded so much to levity, that it was with difficulty I forced myself to duty, and when I did, I was quite cold and dead, and my thoughts were wandering on some foolish thing or other. O God deliver me from a trifling spirit.

Tuesday 21. I found myself thoughtful and serious in the morning, but in the afternoon I was overcome by levity. O how soon am I drawn off what is good? But how difficult do I find it to prevail with myself to forsake the evil? For often when the Lord shews me the error of my ways, though for the present I feel sorrow and regret, yet the next temptation that offers finds me ready to comply with it; and this doubtless I should always do, did not God in that moment step in and hinder me by his restraining grace; such a propensity have I to do that which grieves my God and wounds my own conscience.

Saturday 25. In the evening I retired, and entering into a strict self-examination, I found I must own with the royal Psalmist, my inward parts are very wickedness. I saw clearly that I had broken every commandment, therefore were I to be tried by the law of works I must eternally perish. I must come with the Publican, crying, God be merciful to me a sinner. How truly might I say,

“No good word, or work, or thought,

Have I to buy thy grace,

Mercy I accept unbought,

Thy profer I embrace.”

*Sunday 26. In the afternoon we went to Mrs. C――s to see the corpse of her daughter. I was not at all shocked at the sight, but it brought many serious reflections to my mind. How is she who not many months ago was in all the bloom and vigour of youth, cut down like a flower! So, just so, thought I, must I shortly be: I must die, be stretched in a coffin, and laid in the silent grave, and shortly it will be forgot even by my nearest and dearest friends, that there was ever such a person. O may this awful thought never be absent from my mind! How will it lessen my esteem for all these perishing enjoyments! How will it make me spend every precious moment, in preparation for a never-ending eternity! May the Lord grant that when death comes, he may not appear as a king of terrors, but like a welcome messenger sent to carry me to my Father’s house.

Sunday June 2. In the evening my uncle preached his farwell sermon on Acts xx. 27.
I have not shunned to declare unto you the whole counsel of God. He repeated briefly the doctrine which he had taught them, and exhorted them to take heed, least the word should rise up in judgement against them in the last day. O may
it not against me! For alas as yet I have been a barren fig-tree. Well may I say,

“Long have I sat beneath the sound

Of thy salvation Lord,

But still how weak my faith is found,

And knowledge of thy word.”

Lord let it be no longer so with me, but may I now bear fruit to thy glory.

Tuesday 4. We were called up at half an hour after one, and at a quarter past two, set out on our journey to Chester. When we came near Lancaster, our coachman had like twice to have overturned us. At seven we breakfasted there, at one dined at Preston, and at nine in the evening reached Mr.
A――s house in Warrington. We soon got to bed truly fatigued, and I slept till six in the morning without ever waking, or moving out of the posture I lay myself in when I went to bed. About eight on Wednesday morning, we set out again, and had a delightful journey the rest of the way to Chester, where we arrived about noon. In the afternoon we took a walk round the walls. You have here an extensive prospect of a fine open country, far unlike the barren Kendal mountains. We then walked to the dock, and from thence to the preaching-house. Mr.
G――d preached on Matthew ix. 22.
Daughter be of good comfort, &c.
I found my soul humbled under a sense of my own vileness,
and fixed a resolution to set out a fresh in the narrow way of holiness, if the Lord will give me strength; for without he does, all my resolutions will be in vain.

Sunday 9. Mr. G――d preached, met the society and spoke to the children. I found my soul blest. O may it be a lasting blessing, and not like a guest which tarrieth but a day.

Monday 10. In the afternoon we went to see the infirmary. Everything is neat and clean about it. I found a thankfulness to God, that he had kept me from all these disorders that others have. O may my life be singularly good, as he has been so singularly merciful to me. I experience mercies that very few others have; which it would be almost impossible to enumerate. How few have such parents, who from my earliest days have instructed me how to fear and love God! How many are tortured with broken limbs, and deprived of their sight, whilst I am preserved from all these, and kept in health, strength, and the full exercise of my reason. Many more mercies I am indebted for to my gracious Benefactor; how truly may I say,

“Not more than others I deserve,

Yet God hath given me more,

For I have food whilst others starve,

Or beg from door to door.”

Thursday 13. In the afternoon I set out with my uncle, aunt, Mrs. L――, and some other friends, to go to a little village called Crislington, about two miles out of the town, where my uncle was to preach. We had a very pleasant walk, and went to see the delightfullest, though oddest contrived garden that I ever saw. The owner of it is the Rector of that place, but one would think by the manner of his laying it out, that he had very little else to think of. Some part of it represents a field of battle, a general’s tent, with cannons all round it, a mount, a tower, a draw-bridge, and every thing to resemble a camp of soldiers. The other parts of the garden are laid out in the same peculiar taste.

Tuesday 18. At private prayers in the morning, I had power to pray particularly against my besetting sins, and blessed be God, I do in some measure overcome them. Indeed he is a God, both hearing and answering prayer. In the afternoon we had a deal of company, and they being good singers, past away the time very agreeably. Mr. B――t persuaded my aunt, Mrs. L――, Miss H―― and myself to go to his class, which we did upon his promising not to speak to us. I like his manner much, and I think I was profited by it.

Friday 21. In the evening I went to the chapel; there was no preaching, but a private meeting. Having been much refreshed, especially in the singing that hymn Wrestling Jacob, I had no reason to repent going. My desires were much enlarged after God, with a hatred to sin. O that I may indeed forsake it, and hate it as deadly poison!

Sunday 23. In the morning we went to the new chapel. Mr.
H―― opened it, his text was in 2 Chronicles vi. 41.
Let thy Priests O Lord God, be cloathed with salvation, and let thy saints rejoice in goodness. He concluded with saying, that as God had given us a more convenient place to worship him in, we ought in gratitude to let our lives and conversations be more exemplary than ever before.

Monday 24, and Tuesday 25. I spent most part of these days in retirement, my mind was much composed, and my thoughts stayed on the things of God.

Wednesday 26. This afternoon we came to our own house. I spent the evening in a little room by myself. I found enlargement in prayer, and my soul much blest.

Thursday 27. When I retired in the morning to private prayer, I experienced great power and sweetness in the duty. My mind was kept in a serious frame, till I went out of my chamber, when I gave way to fretting. O how many temptations are we liable to! And while we endeavour to shun one, we often fall into another. When I avoid levity, I too often fall into fretting. We have need to have the wisdom of the serpent with the harmlessness of the dove.

Friday 28, and Saturday 29. Were spent comfortably.
I had great sweetness in prayer, and much of the spirit of it.

Sunday 30. I tasted the good word of God in reading the 11th chapter of the Hebrews. O how much did those excellent ones of the earth endure for their blessed Master, while I who have every means of encouragement I can desire, (and far more than I deserve) am careless and supine in working out my own salvation. But since thou hast convinced me of my error, O Lord, do thou help me to amend it, and let me now turn to thee, with all my heart and soul.

Tuesday, July 2, and Wednesday 3. Both these days I was ill and in violent pain. On Thursday morning I endeavoured to look to God, and was relieved. O how good is he to me, the unworthiest of his creatures. Lord give me a thankful heart. I was hindered going to preaching all this week, by reason of a violent cold. But if that was sanctified, I have need to be thankful, and to bless God for afflicting me.

Saturday 20. Tho’ I was very busy all the morning, my mind was kept in a serious praying frame. Lord make me truly thankful for this mercy!

Sunday 21. We went to St.
John’s church. I found my soul blest at the sacrament, and felt an earnest desire for faith. O may it always continue! “Lord give me faith;” Be all my cry; and he that gives me the desire, will fulfil it.

Wednesday 24. In the evening we went down to my aunt B――s, where we parted with my dear friend Miss H――. I was much concerned at taking leave, but I comforted myself with the hope of seeing her soon again: if we should not meet again in this vale of tears, may we meet where crying, and pain, and death are over.

Tuesday 30. I was in a lukewarm frame all the day, but in the evening as my uncle and others were speaking their states to one another, I could scarce help shedding tears, to think I had made so little use of all the means I enjoy. When I came up to bed, I found a great earnestness for faith, which I prayed for with something of a confidence that I should receive, till unbelief stept in: then I thought I had not repented enough, had not forsaken my sins long enough, and at last I yielded, rose from my knees, and lost the blessing which I might have received, had I held on. May I learn more wisdom for the future, and when I get such a precious moment, improve it, and not so shamefully yield to the enemy of my soul.

Sunday, August 4. I went to church, and was much blest, particularly at the sacrament.

Friday 16. We had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr.
John Wesley’s company to tea, and in the evening he preached on 2 Corinthians vi. 2.
Now is the accepted time: now is the day of salvation.

Sunday 18. In the morning Mr.
Wesley preached on Mark ix. 23.
My soul was exceedingly
blest. He seemed to speak as exactly to my state, as if I had mentioned it to him. He answered every objection that has oftentimes occurred to my mind against believing, and then gave me encouragement to come to Christ, and believe in him. But when I came home, my mind was much hurried, so that I lost the blessing I had received. O! how unfaithful have I hitherto been, to the manifold favours God has bestowed on me! Lord pardon the past, and make me more faithful for the future.

Monday 19. I was much disordered with a violent cold in my head, and so I continued all Tuesday and Wednesday, that I scarce could read, or pray, or do any thing else, as I would have done. But praised be God, my mind was kept in a sweet composed frame, and I had much of the spirit of prayer. O the goodness of God to me, the most unworthy of his creatures! Me, who have so often sinned against him! Lord write the law of gratitude on my heart! On Wednesday our class met for the first time. Altho’ it was something of a cross, I experienced the goodness of God.

Wednesday 28. In the evening our class met again: thanks be to God, I was in a composed frame, and had my mind stayed on him; as indeed it had been all the day, and all the week.

Thursday 29. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs.
B――t to Eaton by water, to see Lord Grosvenor’s seat. We had a parcel of obstinate
men in the boat, who knew nothing of the sea, and yet would have their own way, which rendered what might have been otherwise pleasant, very disagreeable. The gardens are extremely pleasant, and far surpass any thing I have ever seen. My mind was fixt on God, while I was in the boat, and I had such a confidence in him, that I don’t know I felt fear arise once the whole time.

Sunday, September 1. At church I felt great earnestness for the blessing.

“Author of faith, to thee I lift

My weary, longing eyes:

O let me now receive that gift,

My soul without it dies.”

Wednesday 4. In the evening I was very cold and dead. O my God, let me never give way to a lukewarm spirit, for this of all things, I find hurtful to my soul, and it too often brings on levity, which to me is slow poison. It does not appear heinous as some other sins do, but steals upon me unawares. And when I am once down, it is not an easy matter to rise again. Therefore let me be

“Always standing on my guard,

And watching unto prayer.”

Monday 9. I was much blest this day, and my desires after the blessing much quickened; thanks
be to God. In the evening we went to chapel, Mr.
M―― preached from Luke vi. 19.
He is but a young preacher, yet I like him much better than many others, and some parts of the sermon were blest to me.

Wednesday 11. At night while I was meeting in class, my soul was much refreshed, and I thought I would not give up that spark, small as it was, for all the world’s riches. And if the foretaste be so sweet, O what must the full enjoyment be? Lord as thou hast given me this desire, O fulfil it! Let me never rest, till I am made a joyful partaker of the inheritance of the saints in light.

Thursday 12. Blessed be God my soul was much alive this day also, and I was much quickened under my uncle’s preaching in the evening.

Sunday 15. This morning Mr. M――s made an exceeding fine discourse upon Philippians iii. 7. But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. My soul was much comforted and encouraged, while he was inviting sinners to come and taste the sweetness that is in Christ, and to forsake all those things, which before we counted gain, in order to partake of those hidden treasures.

Monday 17. I was overcome by a trifling spirit, and also gave way to wandering thoughts: for which the Lord in mercy gave me to feel much remorse. While I was at preaching in the evening, He also gave me a fervent desire to
look to that Jesus whom his servant was pointing out to us from John iii. 14, 15.
O that I may ever look to him, to heal the wound which sin has made!

“Stung by the scorpion sin;

My poor expiring soul,”

O that I could add

“The balmy sound drank in,

And was at once made whole.”

I staid at the bands as I could not go home by myself, and my aunt chose to stay. I experienced that it was good for me to be there, for my soul was exceedingly blest. Lord make me truly thankful for this, and all thy other mercies daily conferred upon me, the chief of sinners.

Tuesday, October 1. In the evening I found my soul quickened under religious conversation, and continued so all Wednesday and Thursday, having great enlargement in prayer, and free access to the throne; blessed be God.

Monday 14. My mind was in a serious frame most part of this day. In the evening we had a comfortable love-feast, at which my soul was much comforted, and found a great wrestling and agonizing for the blessing.

Saturday 19. I was rather cold all day, but glory be to God, I had great enlargement in prayer, especially in the evening.

Sunday 20. Mr. M――r preached on Matthew v. 22, 26.
Agree with thine adversary quickly, &c.
He earnestly exhorted and intreated every one to agree with God by forsaking their sins and turning to him, lest he should swear in his wrath, they should not enter into his rest. The word came with power to my soul, and I felt a resolution never to rest, till I had made my peace with God. O may the Lord confirm it, or it will be like the morning cloud.

Monday 21. I arose this morning with an earnest desire, and a determination by the grace of God to give myself up to him. O may I never, never rest, till I fully rest in him.

Tuesday 22. My soul was in a serious frame, but in the evening I gave so much way to an inordinate desire after a foolish thing, that my mind was quite drawn off from God. When I went to bed, I was greatly humbled, and ashamed on account of it, and I trust I shall never so yield again to the enemy of my soul.

Wednesday 30. I was in a very indifferent state all the day, but in the evening in class-meeting I was much quickened, and stirred up by a young person’s giving an account, how she found peace the day before in private prayer. I was, and am still determined by the grace of God never to rest till I also find him whom my soul desires to love. My soul continued much blest all the evening, and I dropt asleep with earnest desires to be brought into that glorious liberty of the sons of God. Dearest Jesus, how long will it be before thou wilt manifest thyself to me, as thou dost not unto the world? O come and take up thine abode in my longing heart, and live and reign in me without a rival.

Thursday 31. My soul was greatly blest all this day, and my heart much drawn out after God. I also found enlargement in praying for faith. O thou Son of God, do thou now impart to me this great and inestimable blessing, and make me truly happy in thy love. Do thou now arise upon my poor soul with healing in thy wings, and keep me continually.

Friday, November 1. I still continued in a comfortable frame, finding a great hunger and thirst for faith. I could truly say from heart-felt experience,

“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest,

And lo for thee I ever mourn:

I cannot, no I will not rest,

Till thou my only rest return:

Till thou the Prince of peace appear,

And I receive the Comforter.”

Saturday 2. I found my soul in a very watchful frame, from a great concern I felt upon my conscience for sin, and the fear I had of falling into a careless lukewarm spirit again. Lord do thou always let me retain,

“A spirit still prepared,

And armed with jealous fear,

For ever standing on its guard,

And watching unto prayer.”

Monday 4. I was overcome in some measure by levity, but the gracious God gave me to feel much remorse for it, and also encouraged me to trust that he who had shewed me the evils of this, and all other sins, would pardon them.

Saturday 9. My soul was not so lively to-day, as it was some days ago. When I retired to prayer, I felt a great backwardness to it, which was heightened by a consideration of my own unfaithfulness to God. But the thought was immediately checked by this, if I am unfaithful, will my keeping from him make me more faithful? No surely: it is the Lord alone that can impart the blessing of a faithful heart; then I will wait upon him for it, and he has promised, Those that ask shall receive.

Monday 18. I was in a serious praying frame. In the evening Mr.
M―― preached on John ix. 25.
My soul was exceedingly blest, and I seemed just ready to lay hold on the blessing. How I lost it, I am not sensible.

Sunday 24. Mr. M――e preached in the morning on, Do all to the glory of God. When I came home and retired, I found some liberty in prayer. O how good is God to me, and how undeserving, how unfaithful a creature am I?
Lord pardon the past, and give me strength for the time to come.

Tuesday, December 3, and Wednesday 4. I was rather in a cold frame. O that the Lord would deliver me from a lukewarm spirit! For I find that an inlet to all wrong tempers, and therefore it must be hurtful to me, and displeasing to God.

Saturday 7. I was much cast down on account of having yielded to many wrong tempers the day before. In the evening, I went to preaching without the least expectation of a blessing; however as I was under the word, bemoaning my helpless condition, the Lord in a measure comforted and encouraged me to trust in him. Indeed I am often pained that my pain is over so soon, and grieved that I can grieve no more!

Sunday 8. In the morning Mr.
M―― preached on Romans i. 17.
For the just shall live by faith. My thoughts were wandering under the word, and when I came home and retired, I found no life nor liberty in prayer. O when shall I be enabled to come with boldness to the throne of grace through Jesus the Mediator of the new covenant, and to call him, my Lord and my God.

Thursday 12. My uncle’s text was Proverbs xxiii. 23.
During the first part, my mind was pretty much stayed, but towards the latter end it was much drawn off by a thing which probably may never happen. O for a stayed, and composed
mind in waiting upon God! Surely it is a great sin to have the mind wandering upon foolish things, when so immediately in the presence of God.

Saturday 14. This day, as well as the day before, my body was much disordered. In the evening when I retired, I was humbled under a sense of past mercies received, and my own unfaithfulness to God. Sometimes I am all alive, I am so in earnest, so diligent in the means, and take such delight in them! Then one thing, or another steps in, is yielded to, and deprives me of all my life and earnestness. And though I do not neglect the means, yet how are they hurried over, and how slightly performed! And indeed I am often glad when they are finished. Lord, what is man? What am I? What a poor unstable creature! Lord, quicken me! Make me more alive, more in earnest. Lord make me, and keep me, what I ought, what I want to be.

Saturday 21. All this week, I have experienced a stayedness of mind, and a degree of recollection for which I desire to be thankful. But alas! I do not find that earnestness, that hungering and thirsting which I did. Lord what is the cause? O remove it whatever it be! Remove the accursed thing, which separates between thee and my soul. On Saturday night, the Lord was pleased to shew me the thing which had quenched that earnestness, and I am not sensible that I have this week yielded to it. O what a good God is ours! He shewed me my sin: he gave me to feel remorse for it, and then imparted power to subdue it. Lord give me a thankful heart.

Sunday 22. This morning I was much affected in reading the 15th verse of the 4th chapter of the Hebrews. For we have not an high priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities: for he was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. O what comfortable words, especially when the enemy is pouring in floods of temptation upon us; at such a time how sweet is the meditation upon such words! How comfortable the reflection that our God knows, and not only knows but sympathizes with us in all our afflictions, distresses, and temptations; and will assuredly deliver us out of them! O may this scripture be ever present with my mind, and may it prove a comfort to me in trials, while it also hinders me from yielding to my spiritual enemy, by assuring me that Jesus is ever able and willing to help me.

Wednesday 25. I was impressed with a sense of gratitude to God for sending his Son into the world, to be born of a pure virgin, and in a mean manger, and all to rescue me from endless woe. O that my heart may never for one moment, lose the sense of this great and inestimable blessing.

*Sunday 29. I was not very well, and stayed at home with my friend Miss H―― who was in great affliction for the loss of poor, or rather happy little Ned H――. He died of a scarlet-fever a week ago. O that I was as safely landed on the happy shore! But alas! I am still in an evil world, and liable to crosses and temptations: Yea liable to fall from grace when I get it, and perhaps to be lost for ever? Lord preserve me, and when I die, O let me die unto thee.

Tuesday 31. The watch-night was to last till half past twelve: but we came home between ten and eleven. I would not go to bed till near twelve, spending the time in prayer and meditation. Lord make me truly thankful for thy mercy, in bringing me to the conclusion of another year, and grant that I may spend the ensuing year to the glory of thy blessed name, through Jesus Christ.

Wednesday, January 1. I awoke in a lukewarm state, and though I endeavoured to pray, yet it was not with that life and fervency I desired. O how many have been cut off in the last year, and I am yet upon praying ground! Lord spare me yet another year, and O let it be spent so, as will shew my gratitude to thee, for this undeserved mercy.

Thursday 2. I was to my great concern overcome by a trifling spirit. O how is it that I am so soon off my watch, that the enemy so frequently gets the better! O God give me, I beseech thee for thy Son’s sake, a recollected, serious, praying spirit.

Friday 3. My soul was in a more recollected
frame than the foregoing day. Lord make me thankful even for this mercy.

Saturday 4. I continued much in the same state as the day before. In the evening Mr.
R――s preached on Lamentations iii. 22.
It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. Had it not been for this, Lord where should I and all the rebellious sons of Adam, have been at this day?

*Monday 6. I found my mind in a serious frame, but it is seldom that it continues. O that God would make me more stable, that I may not be like the sea continually fluctuating, and driven about with every wind of temptation: but like the sun which constantly rises and sets at the appointed times, and never fails to bring a regular succession of day and night, according to the command of that God who made him, when he sent him forth with a commission to rule the day, and to be for signs, and for seasons, for days, and for years.

Tuesday 7. This day I found great enlargement in prayer, which made me perform that duty with much pleasure: but when my soul is dead, it is a most burthensome task.

Thursday 9. I went to chapel. Mr.
R――s preached on Psalms xxxiv. 14.
Seek peace and ensue it. The sermon was tedious, and I so cold, that I was quite tired under it, and found myself growing impatient. O how soon am I tired of what is good! The world are not so soon weary
at the play-house, or in the ball-room, as I am in God’s house, and under his word. Truly the children of this world, are wiser in their generation, than the children of light.

Friday 10. I was oppressed all this day, with that tormenting passion, the fear of death, in so much that I had not comfort in any thing. I was overwhelmed in an instant with such horror and dread, as plainly told me I was unfit to die; unfit to appear before the awful judge of quick and dead. O my God, do thou give me the pardon of my sins, and remove this bondage, (the fear of death) from my conscience! Lord prepare me, make me meet to see thy face.

Saturday 11. At night Mr. M――s made an excellent discourse upon the barren fig-tree. I fear this character belongs to me. O may I at last bear fruit!

Tuesday 14. This, as well as the three following days, my soul seemed to be much in earnest, and pressing forward after the blessing; and altho’ I was much tempted on Friday to anger, yet I found power to resist it, and also great enlargement in praying for faith. O how gracious is God! Lord make me truly thankful for thy numberless mercies bestowed on me, the unworthiest worm thy hands have made! My uncle preached on Isaiah xix. If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land. He said many people were willing enough to be saved, but few were willing to be saved in God’s way, which was to confess and forsake sin, and turn to God, by using all the means which he has appointed. But I think God has brought me so far, as to make me truly willing to be saved in his own way; and were it possible to be saved in sin, I had rather be saved from it. For heaven would be no heaven to me, while pride, anger, and self-will have possession of my breast; wherefore Lord, deliver me from the guilt and power of these things now, and finally deliver me from the in-being of them.

Saturday 18. I still found my desires after God very earnest, and was much enlarged in wrestling for the blessing, both in private prayer, and under the word. In the evening, while Mr.
M――e was discoursing on these words, Let him that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity, 2 Timothy ii. 19.
I found much enlargement in private prayer. In the afternoon I was admitted to meet in band, which I found blest to me, and trust to find it so constantly, as I shall, if it is not my own fault.

Monday 20. I did not find my soul so much alive this day, as I did all last week. O what a changeable creature am I? Never, never, at one stay. Lord strengthen, settle, and stablish me.

Tuesday 21. Blessed be God, he sought me even when I was straying from him, and did not suffer me long to continue in a lukewarm state. This day he gave me back that wrestling spirit which I had lost the day before. I can say my soul is a thirst for God, even for the living God. I am willing, yea, Lord, I am desirous, to forsake all my sins, and to return unto thee. O my God, make me in earnest, and take me for thy child. Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord, and never let me go.

Wednesday 22. I still found earnest desires, and my soul to be all on a stretch for God. Lord continue this blessing, till thou impart to me that which my soul desireth, even thy blessed self. Then shall I be possessed of all that is desirable in earth or heaven.

*Friday 24. Upon a strict self-examination, I trust, I may say, I have made some progress in the heavenly journey, within this last three months; for these reasons, I find more power over sin, even my besetting sins have not dominion over me. And if thro’ unwatchfulness I yield to them, my heart is broken on account thereof, and I endeavour to be more watchful for the future. I find more delight in the ordinances of God, and a more stayed, composed mind in waiting upon him; and when wandering thoughts assault me, I find power to resist them. I have more power to plead the promises in prayer; my desires are more earnest, and I have a more watchful spirit during the day: if I deceive myself, the Lord knoweth it is not willingly. I sincerely desire to be tried, and to know the worst of my state. Lord, search well if there be any way of wickedness in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Thursday 30. I was rather cold and dead this day. O what is the cause of this instability? Lord shew it to me for Jesus’s sake, tho’ not for mine, and make me in earnest. I found my soul something quickened at night, while my uncle was preaching on these words. Only believe. Mark v. 36.

Friday 31. I was much tempted to fretfulness this morning, but thro’ mercy was restrained from letting it break out into words or actions, thanks be to God for this; as also that I found a degree of liberty in prayer.

Monday, February 3. When I awoke this morning, I found an earnest desire to spend the day to the glory of God. I soon found myself stripped of all my strength, and a trifling spirit prevailed over me. Lord, I bring this besetting sin to thee. Thou knowest ’tis my grief, my burden. Lord give me power over it.

Saturday 8. All this week I have been hindered going to chapel by reason of a bad cold. And as to the state of my soul, I know not what to say. Sometimes I have been groaning under my unbelief; sometimes cold and dead, yet I find a hope left, that I, even I, shall yet rejoice in the God of my salvation: that I shall find his favour, and taste an earnest of eternal bliss; Amen, Lord Jesus. But Lord make me in earnest, make me alive to thee. I cannot bear this instability, this halting between two opinions. Lord, I am convinced thou art God, O then let me serve thee.

Sunday 9. This morning being hindered attending the public means, I spent some time in private, and I found the Lord was willing to hear and answer prayer, for he enlarged my heart in that duty, and enabled me to pray with life and fervency; blessed be his name.

Sunday 16. This day I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty, and my mind was in some measure staid on God. O for an heart to praise and love him for this, and all his mercies! The rest of the week I found my soul blest at different times, with a desire to wait upon God in private: it was profitable to me: which indeed I need never doubt, seeing he has promised that they that wait upon him shall renew their strength.

Friday 28. When I awoke this morning, I felt a thankfulness to God for safely bringing me to see the end of my fifteenth year, and for an earnest desire to spend the remainder of a short life to his glory. How time flies? It was but the other day since I was but a little infant, utterly unable to help myself: in this tender state the Lord provided me good parents and kind friends, whose constant care it has been, to train me up for heaven, and to dedicate me to him betimes. Now I am come to years of reason, should it not be my one endeavour, my constant aim to glorify God in my body and in my spirit, which are his by creation and redemption, as also by the early dedication which my dear parents made of me to him? Should I not from my heart ratify and confirm by my own act and deed, that which they promised on my behalf? Lord I am willing, I am truly willing so to do. Jesus Lord lend me thine aid, and I will devote myself to thee, body, soul, and spirit, a living sacrifice. Lend me thine aid, and I will take thee for my prophet, to teach me; my priest to atone for my sins, and my king to reign over me. Come dear Lord, and take me for thine own? Thine in time, and thine to eternity.

Monday, March 3. This week I have been confined by a severe cold, however I have not been remiss in private duties, though I have found little life in them. A sort of stupidity has overspread my mind, which has made me unfit for any duty. This I can account for no other way than by my disorder, which always throws me into this dull frame. O how this vile body weighs down the soul! How happy are those who are delivered from it!

Sunday 16. This week as well as the former I have found my heart as cold, dead, and hard as it was possible; nor even has it been broke or softened while waiting upon the Lord either in private prayer, or under the word. On Friday evening at the watch-night, I found my mind very wandering, but towards the latter end it was more composed, and I really believe the Lord waited to be gracious to me, but my unbelieving heart put the blessing away, by thinking I was not worthy! O my God, when shall I be worthy?

Sunday 23. I found my heart greatly melted in the afternoon while I was meeting my band, and at some liberty afterwards in private prayer, but my old companion coldness returned in the evening.

Thursday 27. As we were going to chapel this evening, a parcel of genteel well-dressed boys set upon us, throwing dirt in such a manner as almost blinded us, and hallowing and hooting after us. O what enmity is in the heart of man against every thing that is good even when children? O how gracious has God been to me, that I have never been taught to despise and treat any person ill, either on account of any natural infirmities, or of the religion they profess; but from my earliest infancy have I been trained up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: how will this enhance my condemnation, if I make not a right use of these privileges!

Friday 28. Being Good-Friday, I spent more time than usual in reading and prayer, in which duty I found my soul very much blest and enlarged.

Wednesday, April 2. The Rev. Mr.
Wesley gave us his company to tea, and afterwards
preached on Romans viii. 33, 34.
I found my mind very wandering. The next evening he preached again on John v. 8, 9.
Jesus saith unto him, rise take up thy bed and walk. I found a blessing this evening though I sought it not as I ought. O what a good God is ours!

Friday 4. This day I was very light and trifling; but in the afternoon the Lord was again pleased to stir me up, by the means of our maid, who this day found the Lord in communicating with a sick woman. O my God, what a slow progress do I make? Others find Jesus, but alas! for me, I find him not. I was also much blest in the evening while Mr.
Wesley was preaching on these words, John xvii. 3.
This is eternal life, &c.

Saturday 5. I set apart this day, in order to seek the Lord by prayer and meditation; and although I did not find him, so as to enable me to rejoice in him, as a pardoning God, yet I found him enlarging my heart in prayer, enabling me to plead his promises, and to cry to him for mercy, without which I clearly see I am undone for ever. “I give up every plea beside, Lord I am damned, but Christ has died.” Lord, thou hast said, I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. I am then one thou camest to save. O save me for thy mercy’s sake!

“No need of thee the righteous have,

Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”

I found the word very sweet in the evening while Mr.
Wesley was inforcing the words, Matthew ix. 5.
Whether is it easier to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee? Or to say, Arise and walk?

Sunday 6. This morning I found my desires very earnest for the blessing, while Mr.
Wesley was preaching on Isaiah xxxv. 8.
And a highway shall be there, and a way, &c.
And also afterwards while he was adminstring the sacrament. In the evening I was again encouraged to come to the Lord, while Mr.
Wesley was inviting us to come and drink of the water of life freely, but still I had not power to accept the invitation. We afterwards had a comfortable love-feast.

Sunday 13. I arose pretty early and went to the preaching. I afterwards found great sweetness, in meditating on the love of God to sinners, and his willingness to receive them upon their sincere repentance, as also in private prayer.

Wednesday 16. All this day I was very melancholy, which was chiefly occasioned by recollecting the sorrowful scene I saw that day two-years; when I had the last sight of those whom I love as my own soul. O how many unforeseen events have happened in that time! Some of them have been very trying to me, and made me repent leaving my native land: yet now I see they were all working together for my good, and I trust I have no cause to repent, seeing my soul has much prospered since I have been at this place, whereas I did not gain, but rather lost ground, while I was in London and Kendal. How wisely does God order all things for the benefit of his poor undeserving creatures: and how ungrateful are we, not to render him the tribute of an heart and life devoted to his service!

Friday 18. Mr. M―― kept a watch-night and preached on these alarming words. At midnight there was a cry made: Behold the bridegroom cometh, go ye out to meet him. Matthew xxv. 6.
I found my soul much blest under one of his prayers. O may I have oil in my lamp when the bridegroom comes that I may not be shut out with the foolish virgins, but enter with the wise into the joy of my Lord.

Sunday 20. This morning Mr.
R―― preached on those comfortable words of our Lord’s Him that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast out. John vi. 37.
I found myself much encouraged to come to the Lord, especially when he was inviting the young to come, and close in with Jesus.

Tuesday 22. This day I found great backwardness to private duty, but was enabled to break through and found the Lord as good as his word, They that wait upon him shall renew their strength.

Wednesday 23. I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty this day, and was in a measure blest, while meeting my class in the evening. O how good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how backward am I so to do!

Friday 25. I found myself much grieved upon account of having given way to levity. O how prone am I to this evil! Lord, help me against it, or I fear it will sink me lower than the grave. I spent my evening comfortably, and I trust profitably in reading the book of martyrs. O what did they go through for the sake of their Lord! While I cannot take up the least cross without murmuring.

Saturday 26. This day I found great enlargement in praying for my friends and relations, as also for the whole world, and for my own poor soul. Lord, help me ever to continue herein.

“Help me to believe, obey;

Help me to repent and love;

Help me to take the blessing given,

Help me quite from hell to heaven.”

Sunday 27. Mr. M――s preached on Matthew xi. 20, 30.
Take my yoke upon you, &c.
O what would I not give to be enabled so to do! But alas as yet I am like a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. O Lord, help me this day to take thy sweet yoke upon me, and learn of thee, for I am truly convinced that till then, I shall never find rest to my poor soul. I have no objections to make, take me as I am, and let me be thine for ever.

“Take my body, spirit, soul,

Only thou possess the whole.”

Thursday 29. I went to five o’clock preaching. As I went my heart was raised to God, that he would please to bless his word to my soul; and indeed Mr.
M―― gave a very profitable discourse on Ephesians vi. 10.
Lord, help me so to put on the whole armour of God, that I may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.

Wednesday 30. I found my heart much broken on account of sin this evening in meeting my class. Lord, give me a broken and contrite heart, for such thou wilt not despise.

Thursday, May 1. Going a little earlier than usual to preaching, I took out my little bible, and found a peculiar sweetness in reading the lv. chapter of Isaiah.

Friday 2. I found great sweetness in reading and prayer. O for a watchful spirit to keep it.

Saturday 3. I had a great seriousness and solemnity upon my mind this morning, which continued all day, (blessed be God.)

Sunday 4. I was much cast down by hearing that my poor papa was in a bad state of health; but was comforted by this consideration, that if I made God my father and my friend, nothing but my own unfaithfulness could ever separate me from him.

Monday 5. I rose this morning with a desire
to spend the day to his glory, and blessed be his name, he did enable me to keep a recollected spirit, and also to seek him in his appointed ways, in doing which I found great sweetness.

Wednesday 7. I was disappointed going to preaching, which was a cross to me at first; but I was so blest while meeting my class, that the loss was abundantly made up; my heart was softened and melted for my past offences, and at the same time a comfortable hope sprung up, that the Lord would have mercy even upon me.

Friday 9, and Saturday 10. I can’t say, that I found my soul so much blest those two days, as it had been the two preceding. What is the cause I know not, but whatever it is, I trust the Lord will discover it to me, and remove it. On Saturday evening I was greatly shocked at the melancholy account of the death of two of my uncles; and Satan strongly suggested that my dear Papa would soon follow. This hindered me from sleeping great part of the night. Every such alarming providence should loudly sound in our ears, Be ye also ready, for at such an hour as ye think not, the Son of man cometh.

Sunday 11. I broke the matter to my cousin by degrees, thinking it would shock her to tell it to her at once. But O how her cries and lamentations pierced my heart! I endeavoured to comfort her, but all in vain; all her cry was, if she did but know his soul was happy, then she should be easy. At last she seemed to take some comfort in the consideration that he had religious friends about him in his illness. Surely it is a grievous thing to lose a tender parent. O may I not by my sins, provoke God to lay the same affliction upon me. Alas! it would be a heavy stroke. I know not how I should bear it; I fear I should murmur against the hand that inflicted it, unless preserved therefrom by the restraining grace of God. My mind was now far from the comfortable frame it was in the last week; it was so confused, that I could not for one quarter of an hour keep it stayed on God. But notwithstanding this, I took up my cross, and used private prayer constantly. Indeed I was often tempted to think, I had better let it alone, for I was only mocking God by drawing near to him with my lips, while my heart was far from him. If this was the case it was not with my desire or approbation. The Lord knoweth, I would have prayed better if I could. I would fain have my lips, and heart, and life go together in his service; and therefore since he has put this desire into my heart, he will graciously pardon what has been amiss, and enable me to do better for the future.

Thursday 22. This morning I went to my aunt B――s, where I spent the day very agreeably. In the evening I was much blest, while my uncle was preaching on John i. 11, 12.
He came unto his own, but his own received him not: but as many as received him, to them gave he power to become
the sons of God. O would he now himself impart, that I may become the child of God.

Sunday 25. In the evening Mr. M―― made a sweet Discourse on Acts xvi. 30. Sirs, what must I do to be saved? Indeed I thought I had power to believe, I found the blessing nigh; but O my faithless heart drew back and lost the precious pearl. Unbelief again prevailed and left me helpless, but blessed be God, not a hopeless sinner. I still have a hope, and I trust it is not the hope of an hypocrite.

Thursday 29. This day I was much beset by wandring thoughts, and to my grief and shame, yielded but too much to them. How long shall vain thoughts, which are often the forerunners of vain words, lodge within me. O for power to resist and overcome!

Saturday 31. I found great power this day over that evil, with which I have been so much beset, blessed be God.

Sunday, June 1. This morning my soul was in a measure blest while Mr.
R――s was shewing how we had destroyed ourselves, from Hosea xiii. 9.
He had not time to shew us where our help lay: but blessed be God, he has shewed this to me. May I seek for it where it only can be found. In the evening I was stirred up to ask the blessing, and I trust with some importunity.

Monday 2. This morning my soul was exceedingly blest while Mrs.
L―― was speaking to me, encouraging me to come, and lay hold of
the blessing, assuring me, that even now the Lord was willing to impart it. My desires were also very strong in the afternoon; although I was in company, and the conversation not very edifying; (so gracious was the Lord to me.)

Tuesday 3. I found my soul exceedingly blest this day, especially in the evening: such hope and confidence I had that the Lord would reveal himself that I had no doubt of it, and such a sweet calm was upon my spirit till I went to bed as I never experienced before. I was also greatly encouraged by accidentally opening the bible upon these words, Then shall we know if we follow on to know the Lord. Amen! Let it be according to thy word, Lord Jesus.

Wednesday 4. I experienced a measure of the same confidence as the night before. Lord continue it, and also increase it, so that I may never doubt more.

Thursday 5. I was not altogether in such a sweet frame as the two preceding days; nevertheless my mind was stayed on God, and my desires earnest for the blessing, while my uncle was discoursing upon these words, Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. Luke xiii. 5.

Friday 6. My mind was distracted with wandering thoughts, but the gracious Lord soon gathered them in again, and I experienced a sweet calm upon my spirit, and liberty in prayer.

Sunday 8. I went to church expecting the Sacrament, but there being none, we had a sermon
on Galatians vi. 9.
It was a very pretty discourse, shewing what well-doing was; but nothing of a change of heart was mentioned. O, thought I, how many may go thus far, and perish at last. Lord, let me not be one of this number.

Monday 9. This afternoon we set out for Eaton to see Lord Grosvenor’s gardens; they are the most elegant and pleasant I ever saw. I do not find the sight of such things to draw my mind from God: but am rather led to meditate on the vanity of all worldly enjoyments, and to desire to have substantial pleasures, even those which are at God’s right-hand. The rest of the week, my mind was in much confusion, by reason of removing; but still I have found power to be constant in private duty, and to resist all temptations to the contrary. By thus doing I was enabled to keep a greater watch over my words, and thoughts, and to avoid my ♦besetting evil, levity. O Lord, make me truly thankful.

Monday 16. I was much cast down, by receiving a letter from my dear mamma, containing a melancholy account of the situation of my dear papa’s health: but in the midst of my anxiety, I found a great confidence in God: so that most of my uneasiness was upon his account. Lord, strengthen, comfort, and bless him for Jesus’s sake. The two following days my mind was much hurried by the confusion the house has been in; nevertheless I have been constant in private duty, and have generally found it good to draw nigh to God. O what a God have we to deal with, and yet I cannot find a heart to love him. Lord, soften this obdurate heart, and give me an heart to love thee; for this thou knowest is all my desire.

Tuesday 24. All this week I have been in a very disagreeable frame, being neither in earnest for my soul, nor quite forgetful of it. I have been constant in private duties, tho’ I am often fearful that I am only drawing nigh to God with my lips; but on Saturday, my soul was much blest under Mr.
R――’s preaching: his text was in Romans viii. 17, 18.
And if children then heirs, &c.
My desires were exceedingly earnest to be made a partaker of those glorious privileges of the sons of God. O Lord, when shall I be one of thy children?

Sunday 29. In the morning Mr.
R――’s text was in Romans viii. 32.
He that spared not his own son, &c.
O these encouraging, these heart reviving words! Why, O my soul art thou so backward to believe the promises of God? Surely he is not a man, that can deceive thee. O then believe the record true. Then, and not till then, shalt thou experience real happiness.

Monday, July 7. All this week my soul has been cold and dead, and I (to my shame and grief) have been too negligent in private duties. How truly may it be said the way of sin is down hill? I was hindered from prayer one day at my usual hour, and almost every day afterwards, something happened just at that time to keep me from that duty. I observe that if I neglect it one day, I am sure to do the same for several days running. Lord, help me to be watchful, seeing my subtle adversary is ever watching to betray me into sin, either of omission or commission.

Sunday 13. I found a small degree of life in private prayer, which was the only duty I was quickened in this day. Lord help me out of this stupid state! On Thursday evening my uncle preached on Matthew xiii. 46.
Who when he had found one pearl of great price, &c.
O that the Lord would enable me instantly to part with all, and purchase this pearl! All this week my soul has been in the same lukewarm state, and yet generally quickened in private prayer, especially one evening I had such a discovery of the love of God to sinners, that I was almost enabled to believe he died for me.

Sunday 20. This morning Mr. M―― gave us a sweet discourse on 2 Peter i. 4.
Whereby are given unto us exceeding great promises, &c.
I found my soul blest under it, and afterwards at the sacrament in St.
John’s church, blessed be God.

Monday 21. I was too neglectful of private duty this day, and therefore ’tis no wonder if my soul was dry and barren in other duties. While we were at preaching in the evening, my dear friend Miss D―― arrived from Ireland. I was much rejoiced to see her, and she seemed to be so at seeing me. May we all at last meet round our Father’s throne!

Friday 25. In the afternoon we walked to Crislington; and went to see the rector’s garden, who is for ever altering it. After being at great expence to have it done to his mind, still it does not please him. O how restless is the mind of man! Ever seeking after rest, he cannot find it nigh, nor ever will, till he finds it in Jesus.

Friday, August 1. The state of my soul this week has been much as usual. O that the Lord would stir me up! That he would make me in earnest, and then I should soon attain the prize. I shall one day perish by the hand of sin, unless a miracle of mercy interpose. Lord, save or I perish! Save, or I must inevitably fall a prey to the evil that lies in this rebellious heart.

Sunday 3. I found myself much encouraged while Mr. G――k was describing the rest that remained to those who were seekers after God, that I might include myself in that number; but I sometimes fear, even this appellation does not belong to me. Lord, suffer me not to deceive myself for thy mercy’s sake.

Tuesday 5. My poor heart still continued dead; no life, no power in drawing near to God. Still my soul is as a barren wilderness. Lord, water me with the dew of thy grace, then the wilderness will become a fruitful land, and the desert, springs of water.

Sunday 17. In retirement, both before and after preaching, I found my soul greatly led out to pray for faith, for myself, and my dear parents, and a measure of confidence, that God would hear my prayer: but alas for me, in the afternoon levity again prevailed, and I lost both the confidence, and power to pray for it.

Sunday 17. Mr. M――r preached on Acts xxiv. 16. Herein I exercise myself, to have a conscience void of offence towards God, and towards man. On his mentioning his going away, I could not forbear bursting into tears; I am sure all the people (would they speak the truth impartially) must acknowledge he has exercised himself to have a conscience void of offence.

*Wednesday 20. In the evening Mr.
M――r gave us a sweet discourse, on Colossians iii. 11.
But Christ is all, and in all. My concern at parting with him, stole away all the benefit I might have reaped from the sermon. Alas! that I should be so foolish as to look more to the servant than to his Lord, and think because he is going away, I shall never more be blest under preaching; as if God could not bless me, as well by one as another. Lord, I beseech thee, to forgive this sin.

Thursday 21. This morning I arose to hear Mr.
M――s last discourse, which was very affecting, and drew tears from many eyes. I found much cause for lamentation, that I had not profited more by him, and a determined resolution to set out afresh in the strength of divine grace, that I may not have the same complaint to make, when
we part with the next. Lord, strengthen this resolution.

Sunday 24. I was some part of this day employed in reading Mr. Morgan’s crucified Jesus. O that I could copy after my afflicted, self-denying Master! He never sought to please himself; but alas for me, how seldom is it I seek to please any other! Lord, forgive me: let me learn to deny myself, take up my cross and follow thee.

Thursday 28. In the evening Mr. J―― who is the assistant preached his first sermon on 1 Corinthians iii. 22.
All are yours. I think him a good preacher; but I cannot yet give up Mr. M―― for any other.

Friday 29. Mr. G――d preached on 1 Corinthians i. 23.
We preach Christ crucified. It was a good sermon, but I thought so much of Mr.
M――, that I was quite tired because it was not him. Lord forgive me my too great attachment to the creature, and fix my heart more upon the Creator.

Sunday 31. This morning Mr. G――d preached from Hosea vi. 1.
Come let us return to the Lord, &c.
He spoke exactly to the state I seemed to be in, and I was determined to set this day apart, to examine myself, and to seek the Lord in good earnest. But as soon as I came home, Satan prepared something to draw my mind off, and render me unfit for any duty, whether reading, praying, or any thing else. Lord, make me more careful for the time to come, that I may
not so easily let slip the things which I have received.

Tuesday, September 2. My soul was in a measure blest in meeting class, and I found a resolution to set out afresh. Lord, let it not prove abortive as all others have done, but do thou bring it to good effect for thy mercy’s sake.

Wednesday 3. I think this day I found more solidity, and not so much levity of spirit as I did the day before. I also found my soul in a measure quickened both in private prayer, and in meeting band, for which undeserved mercies, Lord make me truly thankful, and let me shew my gratitude by endeavouring to retain, and improve them, that so I may have more.

Friday 12. In the evening at preaching, I found my soul in a small degree quickened. Lord, continue even this spark, and blow it into a flame!

Monday 15. I met our class to renew the tickets; but I missed Mr.
M――r’s lively manner of examining and exhorting each one, according to their various states.

Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at St.
John’s church, but all the time I was there, I was so beset with a particular temptation, that I had hard work to keep from yielding to it. In the evening Mr.
J――n preached and met the society; but I sadly missed Mr.
M――’s close and sweet applications and exhortations, which under
God were exceeding profitable to me. This week my poor unstable mind has been much tossed with vain and wandring thoughts. O when shall my heart and treasure be laid up in heaven! Then, and not till then, will my mind also be fixed, stedfastly fixed in that thrice happy place. I have also been dry and dead in every means, which indeed is no wonder, when foolish thoughts are given way to; they necessarily damp the work of God in the soul. Lord, make me more watchful.

Sunday 28. I spent the day comfortably, and found a degree of sweetness in prayer. O for a thankful heart!

Thursday, October 10. This day being the quarterly meeting, we had a number of strange preachers in town; and in the evening one Mr. S――t preached. He is not a very connected preacher, but one of the most lively and powerful, that I ever heard. I was more stirred up and quickened under this sermon, than I have been for months before. There seemed to be an awful solemnity, resting upon the whole congregation.

Monday 26. In the evening it rained much; but I ventured out, and was well paid for so doing, by Mr.
M――’s discourse upon 1 Corinthians vi. 11.
But ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus.

Sunday, November 2. I went to the sacrament at Trinity church, but found no particular blessing
in that ordinance, or indeed any other; my mind being much exercised, as it had been great part of the last week, in which nothing seemed sweet or profitable to me, but private prayer.

Sunday 9. All this week my mind has been much diverted from God, by a circumstance which befel me, not very pleasing to flesh and blood. Lord, give me wisdom, grace, and prudence to guide me through the trials I am liable to meet with here: and O at last receive my poor soul to the peaceful haven of everlasting rest; where all the storms of this tumultuous life are over, and all is quietness and assurance for ever!

*Monday 17. Mr. J――n dined with us this day; I think he is one of the most agreeable men I know. On Thursday evening my uncle preached upon Matthew xx. 32.
What will ye that I shall do unto you? My soul was more blest under this discourse, than under any since Mr.
S――t preached. In the application, he desired each to ask their own soul, what is my most prevailing desire? Riches, honour, or pleasure? But my heart rejected all these, and replied,

“None but Christ to me be given,

None by Christ in earth or heaven.”

Sunday 23. I found my soul much quickened in private duty to-day. O how good is it to
draw nigh to God, and yet how loath am I to do it!

Sunday 30. In reading the scripture, and one of the volumes of the Library, I found a degree of enlargement, and also in private prayer, tho’ I had felt a great backwardness to it.

Tuesday, December 2. After I was in bed, my mind was much employed in meditating on death, and the vanity of all earthly things, occasioned by hearing that poor Miss L――y was extreamly ill, whom I had seen in perfect health the last Friday. O may I spend every moment of life in preparing for a never ending eternity!

Sunday 7. In none of the duties of the day, did I find any life; my soul was as a barren wilderness unwatered with the dew of heaven. Lord, how long! When shall I taste and see that the Lord is gracious, by his giving even to me the knowledge of salvation by the remission of my sins? Monday evening Mr.
J――n preached on Matthew ix. 12.
The whole have no need of a physician, but they that be sick. Lord, I am sick, sick of sin, and truly sick of self. Lord, heal me; be thou my physician, and I shall need no other.

Sunday 14. Mr. J――n preached this morning upon Isaiah lv. 1.
Ho, every one that thirsteth, &c.
Lord, I do in some measure thirst. O give me to drink of this living water! *I was so affected when I came home at hearing that poor Miss L――y was not likely to recover, that I
could not read or pray as I desired; but I found many serious, and I trust profitable reflections. O may this providence be productive of good to my soul, and to the souls of all her friends and relations, to whom it will certainly be an affecting stroke, if it does please God to require her soul at this time. On Monday evening at four o’clock, it pleased God to take to himself the soul of my dear Miss L――y. Although I found the affection I had for her in her life-time, as strong as ever, I could not shed a tear, when I first heard of her departure: I had such a sight of her in glory, that, instead of wishing her back, I almost rejoiced at her happy change, and longed for the hour to come, wherein I also shall be released and carried by the angels into Abraham’s bosom, where I shall be eternally happy in the enjoyment of his love, who lived and died for me, a poor miserable sinner. But afterwards I found nature recoil, and had the cruelty to think, that could a wish restore her to her aged parents, particularly her poor distracted mother, I should be tempted to do it. But O blessed be God, nothing, nothing can recall us, when once we are landed on the happy shore. Lord, grant that whenever death calls me hence, I may be prepared to meet it. Let the king of terrors be changed into the prince of peace; let the sting of death be drawn, and O give me a victory over the now terrible and victorious grave.

*Thursday 18. This day I with my aunt, Mrs. L――, and Miss H――, were invited to the funeral of Miss L――y: the two former declined going, but Miss H―― and I accepted the invitation; and with four other young women, were her bearers. O what an impression did this solemn scene make on my now thoughtful mind, to see her, whom not three weeks ago, I had seen in all the bloom and vigour of youth, now cut down, and her sweet agreeable tabernacle consigned to the silent grave! Lord, thought I, how soon may this be my case; how soon may I also be cut down in the morning of my life, and my parents also be lamenting my untimely end! And am I ready? Can I say with an assured confidence, O death, where is thy sting; O grave, where is thy victory? Alas, alas! it is not so with me! The approach of this formidable foe makes me tremble! O suffer me not to rest in this state, but enable even me to look with triumph on the mouldering tomb!

Sunday 21. I did not go out in the morning, but spent the day very comfortably, finding great sweetness in prayer, and much seriousness and solidity upon my mind all the day. The two following days also my mind was much busied about the things of eternity, and my own latter end.

Thursday 25. (Being Christmas-day.) In the evening my uncle preached with much life and power, on Luke ii. 10.
Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy. The enemy stirred up the
mob to make a disturbance while we were singing the last hymn; but in spite of them, we concluded singing, and after waiting some minutes they were dispersed, and we returned home in peace.

*Friday 26. This day and the next my soul was not in so sweet a frame as a few days before: it might be occasioned partly by a violent cold, which weighed down my body very much. O happy day when the soul shall be released from its prison, and freed from its bodily-chain; when the disembodied spirit shall be received with shouts of joy, into the paradise of God.

Sunday 28. This morning the family went to the house of God, but a violent cold confined me at home; however, the Lord was present there also, for my soul was greatly refreshed in private duty. Indeed all the day I found great sweetness and comfort in my soul, though my cold unfitted me for any set waiting upon God.

Wednesday 31. This night I determined to sit up till I had begun the New-Year, which I accordingly did, spending the time in reading, meditation, and prayer, and I found it comfortable and profitable to wait upon God in the stillness of the night. O may the resolutions which I this night made, be brought to good effect!

Thursday, January 8, 1767. This day blessed be God my soul was much alive, and my desires
and expectations quickened by hearing that Mrs.
M――n, a person in our class had found the peace of God. I found much attention and sweetness likewise under Mr.
R――s sermon in the evening.

Saturday 10. Mr. R――s preached upon Isaiah xliii. 25, 26. I, even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake. My soul was in a waiting, expecting frame. Lord, how long shall it be e’re thou satisfy my longing heart with thy love, the thing I desire above all others. I can truly say,

“Of all thou hast in earth, or heaven,

Let love alone be mine.”

Sunday 11. We went to church, had a sermon on Ecclesiastes ix. 10.
It was an exceeding pretty discourse, but not a word of Christ in it. The minister exhorted us to improve our time in works of piety, charity, and the duty of our respective callings, but never told us how we were to be enabled to do all these things, presuming, I suppose that his auditory needed no such information. Towards the latter end he allowed us a little innocent diversion, and concluded with saying that by a diligent improvement of our time in all the duties he had recited, we should recommend ourselves to God, and be accounted worthy to be admitted into heaven. I found much ♦thankfulness
that I was better instructed. I was at preaching
in the following fortnight but twice: all this time I was sometimes in earnest, then too careless. Lord, pardon what is past, and O let me for the future give all diligence to make my calling and election sure.

Sunday 25. I did not go out in the morning, but I spent the time very comfortably, in reading the blessed word of God; and in the afternoon I read Mr.
Hervey’s meditations, which were also exceeding sweet and profitable.

Sunday, February 1. I went to the sacrament this day at Trinity church. This being the place where the remains of my dear Miss L――y were deposited, it brought many serious reflections, but they did not draw me off the duty, in which I was more immediately engaged. For this week past I have at times found a measure of seriousness and enlargement in private duty. I scarcely know what state my soul has been in this fortnight past, not having had time to write. I fear I am falling into the former Laodicean spirit. Lord Jesus, quicken me; O save me for thy mercy’s sake.

Saturday 28. This being my birth-day, I would have spent in retirement, but was prevented; however I spent two hours herein exceeding comfortably. O may I spend each day and moment in the service of him, who has so graciously preserved me to this time! Surely it is of the Lord’s mercies that I have not long since been consumed, because his tender compassions fail not.

Sunday, March 8. My heart was much drawn towards God this morning, both before and at church. Friday evening a young stranger who appeared quite illiterate, agreeably surprised us with a connected sensible and profitable discourse on, Behold God is my salvation. O when shall I experimentally say these words? Lord, why not now?

Sunday 15. I spent the morning very comfortably in reading the scripture with Mr.
Wesley’s notes; in the afternoon Mr.
Hervey’s sweet meditations on the starry heavens. I found my soul in a serious thoughtful frame, till I was discomposed by a trifling incident.

Sunday 29. I found my soul much led out in prayer, even while I was reading, as I did during the latter end of the last week; blessed be God for it.

Sunday, April 5. I was greatly distressed at church, and afterwards, upon account of my sins, and at times was even ready to believe that the Lord would cast me off for ever. All I could say was,

“Guilty I stand before thy face,

I feel on me thy wrath abide,

’Tis just the sentence should take place,

’Tis just — but O thy son hath died.”

In the evening we had a profitable and lively love-feast, at which my poor soul found some refreshment. O may it be daily fed with the bread of life!

“This manna to my soul be given,

Sent from the tree of life in heaven.”

Friday 17. This day being Good-Friday, we went to the sacrament at the Cathedral, but in no means whether public or private, was my soul blest, tho’ I found great attention to the sermon preached by Mr.
G――d in the evening, upon the words with which our once dying, tho’ now ever living Saviour closed his suffering, painful life! It is finished. John xix. 30. Amazing truth!

“’Twere bold to think it true,

If not far bolder still to disbelieve.”

That the author and possessor of life eternal, should himself become a prey to death! And for whom? For angels? No, when they left their first and blest estate, it was irretrievably lost. For his friends? No, but for enemies, for rebels, for vile apostates, for ungrateful sinners! Well might the apostle cry out, “O the length and breadth, the depth and height of this stupendous love!” This day was the sad anniversary on which I parted from the tenderest, best of parents, and took a long, if not a last farewel of my native land; whether I shall ever see that, or my dearest parents more, the Lord knoweth.

“But O may we all meet on that peaceful shore,

Where pain, and death, and parting are no more!”

Sunday, May 3. For this fortnight my soul has been in general in a lifeless, inactive frame; and I have found little blessing in any means, except private prayer; in this I have been frequently quickened and refreshed.

Sunday 24. Blessed be God, I found my soul refreshed in private prayer this day, but I had hard work in the evening to keep my mind stayed on God, and attentive to the sermon.

Tuesday 26. My soul was very cold and dead all day, but at the class meeting, I found my desires greatly quickened; especially during the last prayer. This lasted all the evening; O may it still continue. Lord, let not my foolish heart rob me of the blessing.

Sunday, June 7. I went to the sacrament this morning at the Cathedral, but found no particular blessing, tho’ my heart was afterwards refreshed, while waiting upon God in private duties.

Sunday 14. My soul was much blest in private prayer this morning, but the rest of the day I was so weighed down with drowsiness that I could
scarce read or pray with any satisfaction: however, my mind was in a serious frame most of the day.

Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at Werburgh’s church, and found my heart affected with a lively sense of God’s love to my soul in sending his Son to die for me. O that this his love might stir me up to love him again, for altho’ he is in himself altogether lovely, yet nothing but a deep heart-felt conviction that Jesus loved me, and gave himself for me, can induce us to love him again. But ah! I cannot, cannot love.

“This is my shame, my grief, my hell,

I do not love the bleeding Lamb;

The Lamb that loved my soul so well,

This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”

Sunday 28. In private prayer this morning my soul was greatly blest, and I found sweet enlargement in praying for the blessing, both for myself, and for my dearest parents; likewise I found liberty to pray for all my relations and friends, for the church, and for all the world. Blessed be the Lord for this undeserved mercy. In the evening I was stirred up by Mr.
G――s discourse from Hebrews ii. 3.
How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation? Lord, how shall I escape? Only by flying to the wounds of Jesus; that is the only city of refuge. O may I escape thither, as Lot did to Zoar, e’er the storm of divine
vengeance be poured on this guilty head.

*Monday, July 6. My mind was much distressed this day by that fear which love alone casts out, (the fear of death.) What particularly brought me to reflect upon it at this time, was a dream which Mrs. L――r had had concerning me; at first I prayed earnestly that the Lord would spare my life, being excessively frightened at the thought of dying: but afterwards I began to consider, what if my request should be granted in wrath, ♦as when the Israelites prayed for meat? What would become of me then? Perhaps the Lord sees, if I live I shall dishonour him; be a scandal to my profession; a reproach to the people among whom I am; and a grief to my parents. Now if the Lord should take me from the evil to come, should prevent me from doing, as well as suffering evil, by taking me to himself, what cause of complaint should I have? Surely none, nay it would be matter of rejoicing to all eternity: besides should none of these things happen, but were I sure of gliding thro’ this world easily and pleasantly; would it not ♠be better to reach the destined haven, without putting to sea at all; or at least with a very short, and as yet a pleasant passage! Did any ever think it was too soon to go to heaven? Surely no. No such complaints were ever made by one soul that got thither at all. But alas! I am unwilling to part with life, because I know not where I shall go. O!

“Who can tell me if this strife,

In heaven or hell shall end?”

Lord shall my soul be carried by angels into Abraham’s bosom, or hurried by fiends into endless torments! Lord ’tis true, I am a great sinner; but Jesus is an Almighty Saviour. I entirely renounce all dependence upon myself.

“This all my hope, and all my plea,

For me the Saviour died.”

Yes, my dearest Jesus thou did’st die for me: then I may be saved. Lord I believe; help thou mine unbelief. In the evening Mr.
H――n gave an account of the life and death of Mr.
P――l G――d, an eminent and useful preacher; and then gave out these lines, in which I joined with my whole heart:

“O may we thus our parting breath,

Into the Saviour’s hand resign:

O Jesus, let me die his death,

And let his latter end be mine.”

We came home twenty minutes before ten, and I fell asleep with the same serious impressions on my spirit, which also lasted most part of the next day, and for several days after.

Sunday, August 2. In the evening Mr.
F――l took his leave of us from these words in Luke iv. 42.
And he said I must go and preach the kingdom of God to other cities also: for therefore am I sent. The next evening Mr.
J――n took his, from Romans viii. 17.
And if children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint heirs with Christ. He was exceeding lively. I found concern in parting with them. O may I profit more by the next!

*Thursday 6. Hearing this day of a very melancholy affair, concerning a person whom I knew only by sight: I was exceedingly stirred up to thankfulness, for being so situated, that it was almost impossible the like should befal me: I am surrounded with tender and careful friends, who continually watch over me in love: I am blest with parents, who by words when present with them, and by letters now absent,

“Warn me to shun the world’s delusive snares;

Teach by their lives, and guard me by their prayers.”

And he has inclined my heart to listen to the instructions and advice, I daily receive from one or another. I went to our private meeting on Friday, and found my soul blest, and heartily joined in Mr. B――’s
prayer for the poor unhappy creature to suffer the ensuing day. Also I was greatly stirred up to pray for her, when in private at night.

Saturday 15. About one o’clock my aunt B――r
and little cousins, arrived in Chester; I was extreamly glad to see them. O when will my dear parents come? Lord, thy time is best, only let me be resigned to thy will.

“Since none can doubt thy equal love,

Unmeasurably kind,

To thy unerring, gracious will

Be every wish resign’d.”

Sunday 16. The ensuing week I was much indisposed, and did not go out till the next Saturday sev’night: during this time, my soul was kept in a calm reliance upon God, tho’ at times I found deadness; which I partly imputed to my disorder (a severe cold.)

Saturday, September 13. Mr. P――n going to Ireland, gave a very profitable discourse upon John xvi. 31.
Do ye now believe? Indeed this was a very comfortable day to my poor soul; which blessed be the Lord, was much refreshed in all the means of grace, both at sacrament, private prayer, and the preaching. This evening Mr.
T――r arrived in Chester. O may his coming amongst us be productive of much good to this people, and to my poor soul!

Friday 18. This was a fast-day kept to intreat the Lord to revive his work in this land. Mr.
T――r and my uncle prayed alternately, and with much power. O that it may be such a fast as the Lord approves of, and an acceptable day to him.
On Saturday evening, Mr.
T――r preached from John xii. 22.
Sir, we would see Jesus. Lord I would see him too. O may it be now.

Monday 21. Mr. H――n, who had accompanied Lady M―― to town, with her and her brother, dined with us. She is the most affable lady I have ever seen, and dresses almost as plain ♦as we do.

Sunday, October 4. In the evening my soul was quickened while Mr.
T――r was preaching on the parable of the dry bones.

*Tuesday, November 17. On this day were united, my uncle F――, and my truly dear and respected friend Mrs. M―― L――. With unspeakable pleasure I embraced her, as a most dear loved relative. With the same satisfaction she was received by those of my aunts, who reside in this place, as their sister; and I doubt not will be by those who are now absent, when they hear the surprising tidings. My heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is, that they may be long blest with each other; that this union may be a means of uniting them more closely to the blessed bridegroom of the church; and that finally, they and we may be received into the family of heaven, with a Well-done good and faithful servants, enter ye into the joy of your Lord.

Thursday 19. The committing a known sin, threw me into exquisite distress, so that I hardly dared to go to prayer, and Satan making the best of his opportunity sorely wounded me; yea, had slain me, had not the sinner’s friend stept in to rescue me, and given me hope. This hope was confirmed in meeting my class on Tuesday. Blessed be his name for this! But still this can’t suffice, unless he give me his dear self which my soul truly longeth for.

Sunday 29. I spent the day profitable, and comfortably, thanks be to God. Mr.
T――r preached in the evening on Isaiah lv. 1.
Ho, every one that thirsteth, &c.
O how sweet an invitation to the thirsty soul! Lord, give me grace to accept it. Thursday evening my uncle preached on Mark vii. 24.
But he could not be hid. After sermon he informed us of Mr. P――n’s
being taken to rest on Sunday, November 22, who about two months ago was standing in that pulpit, inviting sinners to come to Christ in the most earnest manner: he then dined with us, and after dinner sung a hymn very suitable, (as it has proved) for himself, who was so soon to enter into the joy of his Lord. It was a funeral hymn, and begun with these lines,

“Away with our sorrow and fear,

We soon shall recover our home,

The city of saints shall appear,

The day of eternity come.

“From earth we shall quickly remove,

And mount to our native abode,

The house of our Father above:

The palace of angels and God.”

*My mind was much taken up all the evening, and the following day, with the thought of death; which occasioned many serious reflections. I think if the Lord would make me meet for glory, I could (young as I am,) quit the world, and not leave a wish behind: but the Lord’s will be done!

Thursday, December 10. My uncle gave an exceeding comfortable and profitable discourse from Isaiah xl. 1. Comfort ye, Comfort ye my people, saith your God. My soul was much refreshed, herein God fulfilled that promise, Before they call, I will answer, for I went without the least expectation of a blessing, and scarcely dared to pray for one, knowing my great unworthiness. However the Lord met me, and gave fresh hopes and desires, for which may I bless his name, while I have breath.

*Sunday 13. In the evening Mr. C――k preached a sermon on these awful words, Revelation vi. 17. For the great day of his wrath is come, and who shall be able to stand? Who indeed but those who have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb, who have made the judge their friend! These and these only shall stand with boldness in that day. Lord, shall I be one of that number?

Friday 25. I found a blessing at the Lord’s table, where I solemnly dedicated myself to him, who gave himself for me. O may it be unreservedly and irrevocably! Lord, here is my heart; O take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above.

Sunday 27. Our house being in such confusion, as it has been for some days past, by reason of the sickness which has been in it, my mind has not been in that composed sweet frame as I could wish: but one blessing I have experienced, which is, I have been enabled to exercise patience, so as not to murmur and fret, tho’ every thing has gone cross with me. Nay thro’ the mercy of God, I have rejoiced in it: and been thankful for having an opportunity of chearfully bearing the cross; for all which I desire to praise my God.

Monday, December 23. In the evening Mr.
T――r made a useful discourse on Lamentations iii. 22.
It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. He shewed the many ways whereby we might have been consumed; and the many mercies we have received from God. When I first went into the chapel, my mind was exceedingly disturbed by many evil tempers. But in singing this verse,

“From anger set our spirits free,

It worketh not thy righteousness:

In patience let us wait on thee,

And quietly our souls possess:”

The thought cross’d my mind: shall I thus mock God; pray to him to compose my mind, while I am yielding to these tempers? I resolved to strive against them: thro’ his strength I overcame them, and found a blessing tho’ entirely unexpected.

*Friday 29. I was confined to my bed, being much indisposed. O what a short transition from time to eternity! I thought much of dying, but felt no fear: not because I was now ready, but I firmly believed the Lord would cut short his work in righteousness if he called me.

[This illness, after a day or two, much increased, and appeared to be a putrid fever: but her mind continued stayed upon God. About a fortnight, after she was taken, she expressed a full confidence in him, being wholly delivered from the fear of death. A few days after, her speech and hearing were taken away, by the violence of her distemper. But it was easy to discern, that her understanding remained, tho’ she could converse with none but God. Her eyes and hands almost continually lifted up, shewed her heart was still with him. In her greatest agonies of pain, there was not the least mark of impatience: till on January the 21st, 1768, about four o’clock in the afternoon, she quietly resigned her spirit to God.]