The Fault of Over-Sensitiveness

Ome people make a good deal of needless suffering for themselves and others by their over-sensitiveness. They appear to be always watching for words or tones in the conversation of others which may in some way reflect upon them or may allude with a suggestion of blame or criticism to something they have said or done. We all know people whose extreme sensitiveness keeps us continually, and in an uncomfortable way, on our guard when we are in their presence. We have to be always most careful what we say lest in some way we vex them or give them pain. It is part of love’s duty never to say a word which would cause another any hurt feeling. There is too much thoughtless speaking which wounds hearts. It is part of the lesson of thoughtfulness to learn to minftnliing tlz Wav

gle with people of all sorts and yet never touch a tender spot, never give pain to a gentle heart. This is not easy. It requires almost infinite tact to do it. It is true that some people seem never to learn this part of the lesson of thoughtfulness. They have a genius for hurting others. They are continually saying things which give sting and pain, referring to unwelcome subjects and bringing up matters which tend to exasperate or irritate. They seem to walk with heavy boots among the most delicate flowers of feeling as if they were treading on rocks. It is to be expected that we shall learn love’s lessons better than this. Thoughtfulness is one of the finest qualities in a well-disciplined life. It regards the comfort and happiness of others before its own. In conversation it is always careful not to refer to things which would cause pain. It never alludes to a man’s physical defects. It respects your sorrow and refrains from rudely touching your wound. Cardinal Newman defined a gentleman as one who never by word 242

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or act gives pain to another. This is Christian love’s ideal.

But the sensitive person also has a duty in the case — a duty of not showing hurt feeling too readily, of bearing his pain quietly, even if others are thoughtless. For, gentle as we may be, it is practically impossible to avoid everything that may cause pain to a tender heart. The most thoughtful person will some time unintentionally speak a word that will hurt.

A noble spirit will learn to suffer from the thoughtlessness, even from the rudeness of others, and yet be still. No doubt extreme sensitiveness is a fault. Ofttimes, however, the cause of it is at least partly physical and in a sense therefore it is involuntary. The nerves lie so near the surface that they are exposed to every touch. Sensitive people suffer greatly. One who is less delicately organized gets more happiness out of life, for unpleasant, disagreeable things do not affect him so painfully. But the cause of sensitiveness is not always finding tle lat

physical. Some people allow themselves to be hurt by every kind of expression which is not quite to their mind. They have refined tastes, and rudeness offends them. They are scholarly in their speech, and they are pained by violations of the rules of grammar and rhetoric. They are accustomed to the conventional ways of polite society, and bitterly resent whatever to them seems to be vulgar. They have no patience with those whose manner or whose personality in any way offends them. Such people will never get much comfort from others until they are cured in some way of their extreme sensitiveness. There are two ways of meeting qualities and habits in others which pain us or would naturally irritate or vex us. We may be mastered by them, or we may get the mastery over them. No one can live long in this world and find all things precisely to his taste. We may as well learn first as last that we cannot bring all people to our way of thinking or to our idea of the proprieties or amenities of life. If we would get along [244]

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sweetly and happily with all those we must meet in our daily rounds, we shall have to do at least our share of the yielding and self-denying. Instead of getting everybody to become agreeable and pleasing to us, we shall have to get over our fastidiousness, and our love will have to learn to be blind to many things that are not beautiful in others and deaf to many things that naturally grate upon our ears and are offensive to our taste. We must be agreeable and sweet ourselves, whether others are exactly pleasing to us or not.

The law of love teaches us to look upon all men as our brothers and to treat them with consideration. Love is the best cure for the sensitiveness that is offended by lack of culture or refinement in others. Some of the best people in the world have homely manners and are ignorant of the conventionalities of society. Love must be large enough to overlook all such things, and to see the man back of the plain garb.

There is another kind of sensitiveness that is [245] fintiins t])t Wa

still more unreasonable. len call it touchiness. It is like an exposed sore which is always being hurt. There are people who seem to be ever on the watch for slights, and they are always finding them, too, or imagining them. The utmost thought fulness cannot avoid saying things which wound them, for they exaggerate everything unpleasant and imagine unkindly intention when none was dreamed of. They flush and show grieved feeling at the slightest questioning of their infallibility. If anyone expresses a different opinion from theirs on the subject they at once resent it, become piqued and hurt, making it a personal matter. They can never calmly discuss a matter pro and con with another, for they will not tolerate any objection to their views, or any opinion that differs from theirs.

Such sensitiveness makes Life hard, not less for one’s friends than for one’s self. It indicates a most unwholesome spirit, anything but beautiful, far from being sweet and winning. Those who become aware of their [246]

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weakness in this regard should set to work at once to get rid of their unseemly burden and burdensomeness.

There are several considerations which may help in the cure of this weiikness. One is the fact that exhibitions of hurt feeling are most unseemly. When we see them in others we know how they appear also in us. They are childish and unworthy of anyone who is much past the years of infancy. We may excuse and tolerate touchiness in a very young child, but in a full-oTown man it is altosther unpardonable. Proper self-respect should make it impossible for anyone to permit such unseemliness in his conduct. We should be ashamed of anything so unworthy, so unbeautiful in our disposition and behavior. Another motive for the avoidance of such displays is that they give pain to others. This is one of the infirmities which make friendship hard. One of the comforts of true friendship is that we do not need to b? always on our guard lost we give offence. A generous, contiding nature should not be pained

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by any treatment. Perfect love loves unto the uttermost. It overlooks and forgives and never fails. One who is touchy and ready to be hurt by the slightest allusion or by any seeming neglect makes entire freedom and confidence in friendship impossible. Another help in getting rid of over-sensitiveness is to remember that such a spirit is not Christian. It is in violation of the whole catalogue of qualities which are lovely. We cannot witness worthily for Christ unless we master it. We cannot conceive of our Master as being touchy and sensitive. In trying to overcome this infirmity a good habit is to cultivate indifference to unpleasant things in others about us, to ignore their existence. When certain worthless fellows failed to show King Saul proper honor after his choice as king, we are told that “he held his peace.” The meaning is that he was deaf to their insults. This is a good way to bear ourselves toward all unkindness — to ignore it, to pay no attention to it, to act as if it had not happened. A deaf man said he had com- [248]

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pensation for his deafness in the fact that there were so many silly and foolish things said which he did not have to hear. We shall save ourselves from much hurt feeling if we will be as if we were deaf.

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There’s so much bad in the best of us,
And so much good in the worst of us,
That it scarcely behooves any of us,
To talk about the rest of u.

—Robert Louis Stevenson.

Alas, how easily things go wrong,

A sigh too much, or a kiss too long.

And there follows a mist and a weeping rain,

And life is never the same again.

Alas, how hardly things go right

‘Tis hard to watch in a summer night,

For the sigh will come, and the kiss will stay.

And the summer night is a winter day.

—George Macdonald.