Chapter II

September 1803 – January 1804

ST. JOHN’S, September 29, 1803.

How long it seems since I heard from you, my dear Sargent! I shall be anxious to know how you have been passing your summer; not, I hope, as I have, amidst the din of arms. I give our drilling this lofty title, because a little is sufficient to disturb me. Too many resident friends in the university have contributed not a little to the frittering away of my time. I mean, however, to leave the university corps forthwith, as the day of ordination (Oct. 23,) is drawing near. I am rather disappointed at having lost such a season of retirement. Our Lord led a very retired life; his ministers, therefore, it should seem, ouo-lit to do so too. Yet I sometimes think that it is from too much indulging solitude, that I am so easily distracted in company. But how great must be your trials from so much worldly business and worldly pleasure! How ought we, who are entrusted with the ministration of the Spirit, whose very breath ought to be prayer, to beseech God to preserve you and his other saints engaged in the business of time! May he keep you unspotted from the world, and so dwell in you by his Spirit, that while your thoughts are necessarily engaged with earthly things, your heart may be in heaven! Unhappily our treacherous hearts, if interested but lawfully in other things, are thereby less apt to take pleasure in re ligious meditation. My studies during the last three months have been Hebrew, Greek Testament, Jonathan Edwards on Original Sin, and on the Affections, and Bishop Hopkins, — your favorite and mine. Never did I read such energetic language, such powerful appeals to the conscience. Some how or other he is able to excite most constant interest, say what he will. I have been lately reading the first volume of the Reports of the Missionary Society, who sent out so many to Otaheite and the southern parts of Africa. You would find the account of Dr. Yanderkemp’s Mission into Caffraria infinitely entertaining. It appeared so much so to me, that I could read nothing else while it lasted. Respecting my own concerns in this way, no material change has taken place, either externally or internally, except that my sister thinks me unqualified, through want of religious experience, and that I find greater pleasure at the prospect of it. I am conscious, however, of viewing things too much on the bright side, and think more readily of the happiness of seeing the desert rejoice and blossom as the rose, than of pain, and fatigue, and crosses, and disappointments. However it shall be determined for me, it is my duty to crush the risings of self-will, so as to be cheerfully prepared to go or stay. Your’s ever,

H. MARTYN.

OCT. 1. Endeavored to write on John iv. 10, but felt a degree of fretfulness at being able to produce nothing. G. stayed with me an hour, during which time my temper and conversation were very different from that of my Lord and Saviour. Strove in my walk to rise from under the burden of corruption that oppressed me, by looking to Jesus. When I was beginning to shrink from the duties I had designed for the evening, a sight of my own real state, as saved only by grace, and so not my own, was sufficient to quicken me. But how dark and stupid is my soul in spiritual things! Oh let thy continual pity attend me still, 0 Lord! Read in Law’s Serious Call, the chapter on Resignation, and prayed for it

•

according to his direction. I rather think a regular distribution of the day for prayer, to obtain the three great graces of humility, love, and resignation, would be far the best way to grow in them.

H. drank tea with me afterwards. As there was in the Christian Observer something of my own, the first that ever appeared in print, I felt myself going off to vanity and levity, but was enabled to check it a little. Nevertheless the world and the opinions of the world clouded my views of God during the remainder of the evening.

OCT. 0. Read Leslie’s Short Method, and was exceedingly

O <J

irritated at not being able to understand it as soon or as clearly as I expected. Finished the Greek Testament. This time of reading it over has been attended with great satisfaction. I was very impatient with my pupil this afternoon. This unhumbled spirit ought to be a matter of very serious attention to me. Independently of other considerations, how unfit is such a temper for the work of evangelizing the hea then! Well is it for my soul, that the Lord is not provoked with my ignorance and perverseness in divine things.

OCT. 7. Read Malachi, and was exceedingly refreshed by chap. iii. to v. 16, and felt greatly encouraged to every duty, particularly that of speaking to and exhorting others, which lias of late appeared to be one of unlimited extent and insuperable difficulty.

Was in some pain at not having joined - — in the walks, and speaking to them. Did I but love and seek their soul’s welfare, I should not think it sufficient to speak and offend them at once, and consider the duty to God as done; but I should watch for proper opportunities, when I might hope it would be effectual. But I want a willingness to labor incessantly for the good of souls with all self-denial.

came at seven and stayed till nine: we soon got into

dispute, which continued without intermission the whole time.

He is as far from the truth as ever, very obstinate, but at the same time never offended with sarcasm or ridicule. The din of controversy little agrees with heavenly-mindedness. Though I entered on it from a sense of duty, yet I took not heed to my spirit, and lost all sight of tenderness and pity.

OCT. 9. I prayed to be sent out to China, and rejoiced in the prospect of the glorious day when Christ shall be glorified on earth. At chapel the music of the chant and anthem seemed to be in my ears as the sounds of heaven, particularly the anthem, 1 Chron. xxix. 10. But these joys, alas! partake much of the flesh in their transitory nature. At chapel I wished to return to my rooms, to read the song of Moses the servant of God, &c., in the Revelation; but when I came to it, found little pleasure. The sound of the music had ceased, and with it my joy; and nothing remained but evil temper, darkness, and unbelief. All this time I had forgotten what it is to be a poor humble soul. I had floated off the Rock of Ages into the deep, where I was beginning to sink, had not the Saviour stretched out his hand, and said to me, It is I! Let me never be cheated out of my dependence on him, nor ever forget my need of him.

OCT. 12. Reading Paley’s Evidences. Had my pride deeply wounded to-day, and perceived that I was far from humility. Great bitterness and dislike arose in my mind against the man who had been the unconscious cause of it. Oh, may I learn daily my hidden evils, and loathe myself for my secret abominations! Prayed for the man, and found my affections return.

OCT. 13. Reading Evidences. Interrupted by the calls of some friends. In great unhappiness on account of the necessity of speaking to men for their good, and of some other things. * * * This is a certain symptom of a sickly mind. All these things I should have taken as recreations at one time. But says St. Paul,” do thou endure hard-

3-i JOURNAL AND LETTERS [1803.

ness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.” Let me not thus in the way of duty suffer trifles to daunt or disquiet my mind. Never be fearful or unbelieving, but keep body and mind under, through the grace of God.

OCT. 14. How vain is it to strive unassisted against corruption! How empty and ungodly that sourness and bitterness 1 feel at seeing the evil of my heart! Alas! repentance shuts the mouth, and victory over sin is obtained in silence. “Be still, and know that I am God.” “In returning and rest shall ye be saved — in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.”

OCT. 15. Was in a great bustle the whole day, yet in the general frame of my mind rejoicing. In my morning walk my heart expanded with joy, yet it was soon obscured by pride.

OCT. 16. At church at first was in a most fretful state of discontent at the sight of my own vanities, and of my concern about the body. A few transient glimpses of the happiness of having the heart in heaven made me strive earnestly against my corruptions, and God gave me greater peace during the remainder of the service. The certainty of future glory appeared very strong to me in chapel, and filled my heart with many sweet affections.

OCT. 18. As I had broken in upon the time of reading the Scriptures and prayer at noon, I was more than ordinarily careful to maintain a mind unaffected with human studies and earthly things during my morning walk; and the words “I will come in to him, and sup with him, and he with me,” furnished me with many delightful views of the grace and condescension of my Lord.

OCT. 19. Rose with my heart somewhat tender and humble, and suitable to this day, which was set apart for a public fast. I should have found this day far more effectually answering its end, if I had been less interrupted, (which I might indeed have managed by precaution) as my mind was disposed to dwell on heavenly things in a serious and solemn frame. I wished to have made my approaching ordination to the ministry a more leading object of my prayers. For two or three days I have been reading some of St. Augustine’s Meditations, and was delighted with the hope of enjoying such communion with God as this holy man. Blessed be God! nothing prevents, no earthly business, no earthly love can rightfully intrude to claim my thoughts, for I have professedly resigned them all. My mind still continues in a joyous and happy state, though at intervals, through want of humility, my confidence seems vain.

OCT. 20. At noon I read the fortieth chapter of Isaiah. Amidst the bustle of common life, how frequently has my heart been refreshed by the descriptions of the future glory of the church, and the happiness of man hereafter!

Pride shows itself every hour of every day! 0 Lord, now that so few things happen to me to humble my soul, let thy Spirit secretly teach me what I am.

OCT. 21. In walking I sought to ascend to God without a contrite spirit, and so I felt great dissatisfaction and fearfulness.

OCT. 22. Went in a gig to Ely* with B. Having had no time for morning prayer, my conversation was poor. At chapel, I felt great shame at having come so confidently to offer myself for the ministry of the Lord Jesus Christ, with so much ignorance and unholiness; and I thought it would

be but just, if I were sent off with ignominy. Dr. M,

the examining chaplain, set me to construe the llth chapter of Matthew: Grotius: To turn the first article into Latin: To prove the being of a God, his infinite power and goodness: To give the evidence of Christianity to Jews and heathens: To

* Mr Marty n went to Ely to receive ordination.

show the importance of the miracle of the resurrection of Christ. He asked an account of the Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes, the places of the worship amongst the Jews, &c. After leaving the palace I was in very low spirits; I had now nothing to think of, but the weight and difficulty of the work which lay before me, which never appeared so great at a distance. At dinner the conversation was frivolous. After tea I was left alone with one of the deacons, to whom I talked seriously, and desired him to read the ordination service, at which he was much affected. Retired to my room early, and besought God to give me a right and affecting sense of things. I seemed to pray a long time in vain, so dark and distracted was my mind. At length I began to feel the shameful and cruel neglect and unconcern for the honor of God, and the souls of my brethren, in having trifled with men whom I feared were about to “He to the Holy Ghost.” So I went to them again, resolving to lay hold on any opportunity, but found none to do anything effectually. Went to bed with a painful sense of my hardness of heart and unsuitable preparations for the ministry.

OCT. 23. Rose early, and prayed, not without distraction. I then walked, but could not acquire a right and happy sense of God’s mercy in calling me to the ministry. On returning, I met one of the deacons, to whom I spoke on the solemn occasion; but he seemed incapable of entertaining a serious thought. At half-past ten we went to the cathedral. During the ordination and sacramental services I sought in vain for a humble heavenly mind. The outward show, which tended to inspire solemnity, affected me more than the faith of Christ’s presence, giving me the commission to preach the gospel. May 1 have grace to fulfil those promises I made before God and the people! After dinner, walked with great rapidity to Cambridge. I went straight to Trinity Church, where my old vanities assailed my soul. How monstrous and horrible did they appear in me, now that I was a minister of holy things! I could scarcely believe that so sacred an office should be held by one, who had such a heart within. B. sat with me in the evening, but I was not humbled; for I had not been near to God to obtain the o-race of contrition OCT. 30. Rose with a heavy heart, and my head empty, from having read so little of the scriptures this last week.

After church sat with two hours, conversing about the

Missionary plan. He considered my ideas on the subject to be enthusiastic, and told me that I had neither strength Of body or mind for the work. This latter defect I did not at all like; it was galling to the pride of my heart, and I went to bed hurt; yet thankful to God for sending me one, who would tell me truth.

Nov. 6. Most delighted and happy this morning, at the thought of preaching the gospel, and felt as if I could place myself in the Saviour’s stead, and as if my heart would melt at offering the water of life to the sons of men. But on reading over my own sermon, I was chilled and frozen at the deadness and stupidity of it. I commended it, and myself, and the people, to his grace. Rode to Lol worth, where there was a very small congregation, at which my pride was beginning to take the alarm; but the hope of doing good, though but to one soul, brought me to a different spirit. There seemed to be one or two who heard the word gladly, and to those I could have been willing to preach for days together. After evening church, Mr. S. told me I ought to read with more solemnity and devotion, at which I was not a little grieved and amazed. H. also, and my other friends, complaining of my speaking too low, and with too little elocution. These things, with the difficulty I had found in making sermons, and the poorness of them, made me appear exceedingly contemptible to myself. I began to see (and amazing is it to say) for th.o first time, that I must be contented to take my place among men of second-rate abilities; that there were men who excelled me in every thing. I therefore lirst discovered, into what profound ignorance and dreadful presumption my paltry worldly honors and pride had led me. Humbled at this conviction, I perceived it to be right, though it was certainly a novel thought to me, if God and his more perfect creatures were glorified together, and I were cast out and forgotten. In all my humiliations, which have been few and transient, and with all the humility I imagined myself to possess, I have still obstinately maintained my fancied place amongst men. All this has been sjfoincr forward in a heart, which conceived itself to have at-O O 7

tained something of the humility of Jesus Christ. Now in the retrospect of these things I see two causes of humiliation: one is, that my pride and ignorance are so great, in assigning to myself a station, to which I did not belong; secondly, in being pained at discovering my inferiority to my friends in unimportant accomplishments. Oh that I may not be deceived in the consideration of the state of my soul in regard to eternity!

-Nov. 7 — 10. Employed in preparing the last Sunday’s sermon for Thursday, and in writing on Hebrews vi. 11. The convictions I had received of my extreme ignorance in spiritual things remained, and sometimes made me earnest for the teachings of God’s Spirit.

Nov. 13. I longed to draw very near to God, to pray him that he would give me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation. I thought of David Brainerd, and ardently desired his devotedness to God and holy breathings of soul.

Nov. 18. In my walk spoke to three young men who were swearing. They seemed to be much confounded, and to take deeply what I said to them. I look forward often to the time of my hoped-for mission with joy. I hope my expectation of comfort in it arises from a desire to do something for Christ, though my great unconcern for souls here may well make me doubt it.

ST. JOHN’S, Nov. 18, 1803.

I thank you, my dear Sargent, for your prayers on the day of my ordination. I rejoiced to think that many were putting up to heaven for me; for much indeed did I need them. Neither at that time nor since have I been duly affected with the awfulness of the charge. Now that the composition of sermons will become easier, I hope to perform all the duties of the ministry with more attention than I have yet been able to give. Time and prayer will, I trust, through the grace of God, remove that childish thoughtlessness which attends rne still, and make me feel where I stand. My conversations with — — have

been attended with no small advantage to me in the way of wholesome correction. He is the only man of all my friends here, who tells me the truth plainly; and so is the only one, who by lowering my pride, eventually promotes my sanctifioation and peace. As you have

read Law, tell me your opinion of him. He is rather a favorite of mine, though not without his faults. I am, dear Sargent,

Yours ever truly,

H. MARTYX.

Nov. 20. The sermon, John xiv. 2, 3, was refreshing to me, and I had power to retain the comfortable impressions. Vain and earthly thoughts perplexed my mind in the evening at church. Well is it for the people, that they cannot read the heart of their ministering servant. I groaned under the corruption of my heart this evening in prayer, and prayed and longed for grace to purge me thoroughly, and retired to bed with a meek desire of living entirely for God.

Nov. 21. In the afternoon, before going out to visit the sick, the pride and laziness of my heart made me appear detestable to myself. Thou, Lord, only, canst know the hidden evil of thy creature. Let thy continual pity defend me: let thy gracious Spirit cleanse me!

Nov. 22. In my walk was in great heaviness: till towards the latter part of it I held fast by Christ, and seemed able to make his will mine, though still with many vain and cowardly imaginations. At seven went to the society of young men, and explained the 50th Psalm with great composure. In prayer God vouchsafed the spirit of supplication. For the first time I found myself happy in this social exercise; my desires after God were clear and strong, and it was with great unwillingness that I left off. My joy during the rest of the evening was very great, though there were many approaches to spiritual pride.

Nov. 2o. Towards the evening much strong propensity to the gratification of self-will, and much pain at thwarting it. Began to seek God in solemn prayer for fitness for the ministry, in which I continued about half an hour, entirely on the subject of the resignation of my own will; and I gained so much light, that it appeared monstrous and horrible, that any creature should seek its will in opposition to God’s will.

Nov. 24 to 26. My soul has been struggling with much corruption, summoning up courage in the name of God to fight the fight of faith with never-ceasing exertion, and yet soon sinking again into evil tempers, distrust, and despondency. Oh! my spirit faints for holiness! When shall God be glorified by the entire renewing of this sinful heart? Oh that the powers of my soul were awake to God and the good of my fellow-creatures! But truly I am an unprofitable servant!

Nov. 27. I was much interrupted in reading the Scriptures this morning; yet my spirit found delight in retiring from the world and forgetting its concerns, to live with God and walk with God. I longed to be entirely delivered from the opinions of men, and to approve myself unto God. Heard Mr. Lloyd preach on Horn. vii. 12, and his observations to me afterwards tended to impress on my mind the advantage of having my condemnation by the law continually before me; for oh how light and trifling would every painful duty appear, could I but keep in mind God’s sparing mercy! And how ought I also to remember it on the score of humility and seriousness! Mr. Lloyd observed, that these thoughts tended to preserve a consistency of character. How closely did this apply to myself, who do such dishonor to Christ! Read and prayed with the same sick woman; she and all the people in the room, about five in number, seemed to be in profound ignorance. I strove to charge her sins home to her; but this is a very unacceptable task to most people. This parish, which has heard the gospel for between twenty and thirty years, is still in a most lamentable state for want of the minister’s testifying from house to house. May the Lord fill me with more zeal in doing this business, both at Lolworth and in the parish at Cambridge! In the evening my sins appeared more in number than the hairs of my head. I remembered with horror the multitudes I had been guilty of this holy day; how many proud and vain thoughts, how much forgetfulness of God and want of every grace appeared in the course of it! The pride of this wicked heart I seem to have made no way in subduing. The pain I felt at the kind admonitions of friends too plainly showed this. Yet I can commit the sanctification of my soul to Christ; and it is my comfort and support to think, that “he is of God made unto me wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption.”

Nov. 28 to 30. The work of visiting the people of Cambridge, and reading to and praying with them, appeared

DEC. 7. At night strengthened considerably: I never be fore felt so calm and steady a resolution to live in continual self-denial, to fight hard every day; and it appeared, that whatever I could be possibly called to endure was nothing; such a mercy was it that I might hope for salvation!

DEC. 8. Rose early, and in prayer had something of a suitable frame, that is, a contented waiting upon God. It was my desire and prayer to mourn for sin, and to be poor in spirit. G. joined me in my walk, and as he seemed disposed to converse about religion, I spoke to him very openly. I had occasion to mention to him, that the last day of my life would be the best. I think of it without joy, though without fear. It seems as if I should be saved only as by fire, having done nothing to glorify God, and my heart seeming to be destitute of grace.

DEC. 28. The morning was spent very unprofitably, from not having had a fixed plan. Lost much time in looking out for a text for next Sunday; yet found some devotion in learning some of 119th Psalm. In the evening, the first leisure I had gained after a long interval, I hoped to draw near to God by his word and prayer: that blessed man Baxter, in his “Saint’s Rest,” was enabled to kindle such a decree of devotion and love, as I have long been a stranger to. I strove to keep the future happiness of heaven steadily in view; but the want of a humble spirit made these contemplations appear delusive.

JAN. 1, 1804. Preached in the afternoon at Trinity Church with seriousness, but little feeling. On the review of my journal of the last year, I perceive it has been of late becoming a diary of my life, instead of being a register of my state of mind. And this is to be attributed partly to sloth, and partly to having devoted too much time and attention to the outward and public duties of the ministry. But this has been a mistaken conduct. For I have learned, that neglect of much and fervent communion with God in meditation and prayers, is not the way to redeem time, nor to fit me for public ministrations. I have had few seasons of joy since my ordination; for many of the duties of the ministry have called to light the hidden evils of my corrupted heart, and my exertions in prayer have been to keep them under. I have, how ever, much to complain of in slothfulness in that duty, — that I do not stir up myself to lay hold upon God. Oh may I live very near to him the ensuing year, and follow the steps of Christ and his holy saints! It will be attended with much self-denial and warfare; nevertheless it yieldeth the peaceable fruits of righteousness to them who arc exercised thereby.

JAN. 3. A sense of my present deadness and unprofitableness determined me to devote the day to fasting and prayer; but I could not get near to God: in all my confessions for myself as an individual, or member of the church or nation, I could feel no contrition; nevertheless, though the cloud hanging over the nation, and my own pride, cast a heavy gloom over my mind, wilh a sense of guilt, and of God’s displeasure, I strove against an evil heart of unbelief, which tempted me to depart from the living God.

JAN. 4. Rose late, as I have done several times, and when this is the case, I seldom begin or perform the duties of the day with satisfaction. Read much of “Edwards on the Affections,” about humility, and was much profited. In hall and in the combination room, I sought to exemplify a Christian spirit by mine, and found by those moments of recollection, when I was able to do it, that my usual temper and conduct differ very widely from what they ought to be. In the evening my soul drew near to the Lord, and pleaded with him a long time for understanding and strength, to fit me for a long life of warfare and constant self-denial. I prayed to see clearly why I was placed here, how short the time is, how excellent the labor for souls, above all, to feel mv desert

DEC. 7. At night strengthened considerably: I never be fore felt so calm and steady a resolution to live in continual self-denial, to light hard every day; and it appeared, that whatever I could be possibly called to endure was nothing; such a mercy was it that I might hope for salvation!

DEC. 28. The morning was spent very unprofitably, from not having had a fixed plan. Lost much time in looking out for a text for next Sunday; yet found some devotion in learning some of 119th Psalm. In the evening, the first leisure I had gained after a long interval, I hoped to draw near to God by his word and prayer: that blessed man Baxter, in his “Saint’s Rest,” was enabled to kindle such a degree of devotion and love, as I have long been a stranger to. I strove to keep the future happiness of heaven steadily in view; but the want of a humble spirit made these contemplations appear delusive.

JAN. 3. A sense of my present deadness and unprofitableness determined me to devote the day to fasting and prayer; but I could not get near to God: in all my confessions for myself as an individual, or member of the church or nation, I could feel no contrition; nevertheless, though the cloud hanging over the nation, and my own pride, cast a heavy gloom over my mind, with a sense of guilt, and of God’s displeasure, I strove against an evil heart of unbelief, which tempted me to depart from the living God.

JAX. 4. Rose late, as I have done several times, and when this is the case, I seldom begin or perform the duties of the day with satisfaction. Read much of “Edwards on the Affections,” about humility, and was much profited. In hall and in the combination room, I sought to exemplify a Christian spirit by mine, and found by those moments of recollection, when I was able to do it, that my usual temper and conduct differ very widely from what they ought to be. In the evening my soul drew near to the Lord, and pleaded with him a long time for understanding and strength, to fit me for a long life of warfare and constant self-denial. I prayed to see clearly why I was placed here, how short the time is, how excellent the labor for souls, above all, to feel my desert of hell, grace to enlighten my eyes in those dark and gloomy seasons of outward trouble and desponding faith, grace to enable me to despise the indulgence of the body, not to shrink from cold, and hunger, and painful labor, but to fol low the Lamb wheresoever he goeth; and that he would bring all these things to my remembrance the next, and every succeeding day. But my want of humiliation was apparent and painful. My soul longeth for perfection, but has not yet learnt the secret of happiness, — a poor and contrite spirit.

JAN. 5. I retained on my mind the savor of last night’s meditation: for humility seemed to be my object, if not my temper. Preached on Isaiah lxiv. 7. Oh, let not my sermons rise up in judgment against me!

JAN. 6. At the society I was very dull, both in exhortation and prayer; and so were the people. There were but six; with little appearance of devotion; the sense of my exceeding unprofitableness was very humbling to me; yet it had not the effect of drawing me away from God; and so I was contented to be thought little of by men. I rightly attribute my present deadness to want of sufficient time and tranquillity for private devotion.

JAN. 7. Hoping to gain some motion and liveliness to my mind, I sought to give it recreation this morning, by reading some of Thomson’s “Chemistry,” and Jon. Edwards on “Original Sin.”

JAN. 8. Full of anxiety; relieved at times by prayer. Preached at Lolworth. Called at three of the houses, and found them as ignorant of the gospel as heathens. Oh, let it not appear at last, that the Lord hath hid his face from them, on account of the unworthiness of their teacher! May he pour out his Spirit upon them and me, that I may warn them even with tears! The little appearance of lifedevotion among the people of Lolworth, either at public wor ship or at other times, and returning home in a cold snowy night, bad, I suppose, these melancholy effects upon my mind, and made me dispirited at the prospect of missionary hardships. I got most nearly to peace and happiness, by laboring to feel myself the meanest of God’s creatures, and the desert I have of being consigned over to eternal punishment.

Restored from a scan of the 1851 edition, with page headers and numbers removed and words rejoined across line breaks. Scan-derived text, still being proofread; compare the original scan before quoting.