January 1804 – April 1804
ST. JOHN’S, January 9, 1804.
I HEARD of the death of your brother, my dear Sargent, some time ago; but I had neither inclination nor leisure to write you immediately after. I hope the first impressions of grief are now somewhat worn away, but that you retain that blessed effect of sanctified sorrow, a tender spirit, which to me at this time appears so desirable, that I could be willing to suffer anything, or do anything to obtain it. I trust that the melancholy event has, in answer to your prayers, been
beneficial to. If not yet in the degree you could wish,
yet cease not to pray for her. But how can I encourage you to a duty, in which I am so languid myself, so seldom disposed to “stir up myself to take hold upon God?” How necessary is self-denial in this as well as every other duty, through the corruption that is in us! Sometimes I feel the most ardent and strong resolutions to fight manfully, to exert all the powers of the soul unceasingly in mortifying the flesh; but these resolves are short-lived: sometimes through forgetfulness, sometimes through weakness, I find myself giving way to ever-craving self-indulgence.
You told me some time ago, that the multiplicity of business which would attend me as Mr. Simeon’s curate, would leave little time for reflection on my future plans; and truly I find your prediction fulfilled: for the composition of sermons, and preparing for the societies, confines the hours of devotion into far too small a compass. Nevertheless I have found my spirit disciplined by these more active parts of the ministry, so as to perform with willingness those duties from which once I used to shrink. * * * Farewell, my dear
brother, — amidst all the afflictions of the gospel, and truly they are not few, we shall also be made partakers of its consolations. The contemplation of the eternal world is of necessity my chief happiness, and yours I hope by choice: for though this world demands your attention more than mine, you have learnt to give it its right value. In our Father’s house there are, I humbly hope, mansions prepared for us, purchased only by the blood of Jesus, who will also keep that which we have committed to him till that day.
II. M.
JAX. 11. At the funeral of Mr. Mann, at Lolworth, felt very solemnly: though the entrance into eternal joy, when my body should in like manner be laid in the dust, appeared too good to hope or believe.
JAN. 13. Was dissatisfied at not rising so early as I might: these instances of self-indulgence have a very bad effect on
my temper. In the evening at, and met about fifteen
or sixteen there. I delivered the subject I had been thinking on; but with little animation. My mind enjoyed, during the rest of the evening, a sweet serenity and peacefulness. It did not amount to spiritual joy: yet when did I ever experience such happiness in the days of my vanity?
JAN. 15. Walked half an hour by the river-side after dinner, endeavoring to compose my mind for extempore preaching, and this I accordingly did at St. Giles’, on Matt. v. 3 5,
though by no means to my satisfaction; nor ever yet in the pulpit, or in public addresses, have I experienced any sweetness of spirit. Called on one of the old women in the
alms-house, a truly contrite soul. Drank tea at: was
somewhat comforted in the evening by Mr. Simeon’s sermon on “Sing, 0 ye heavens, for the Lord hath redeemed Jacob;”
Christ’s atonement was my only ground of hope and peace.
JAN. 1C. Went to - - to breakfast, laboring to maintain heavenly-mindedness and humility; but for want of more reading, retirement, and private devotion, I have little power over my own tempers. Head Edwards on the Affections, and found some parts very convincing to show me my low stature in Christ. In the morning I had a most painful time of prayer; the expressions of egotism were so hateful, that I could rather have died than use them; this was not, I conceive, humiliation, for I felt no love towards God or man, and could make no petition; but now after reading Edwards, I was able to pray with seriousness and strength. Of what an unconquerable nature is spiritual pride! Went to Mr. Owen’s to supper; he sometimes amused, and sometimes edified me by his conversation. Sat up till two in the morning losing my time by uncontrollable wanderings of thought in self-examination.
JAN. 12. Had some freedom and comfort in prayer in the middle of the day; and amid much carefulness and despondency, had many reviving views of Christ. 0 the exceeding emptiness of my mind for want of more reading of the word of God in private! Dined at Professor Parish’s; but left at
five to go to S ’s. Here they expected, I suppose, that
I should begin a conversation with them; but I was utterly unable, for through want of preparation on a subject of exhortation, I was uneasy. However, I lifted up my heart to the Lord, and he helped me to explain and enforce the beginning of the Gth chapter of Matthew. Perhaps the people are edified through the divine blessing; but my preachings and exhortations fall infinitely short of what I should call good.
JAN. 20. Unbelief and unhappiness this morning were removed by my being able to humble myself, and remember the resolutions of last night. How deficient in poverty and heavenly-mindedness am I daily with my pupil! yet these little events of life are proper trials of Christian temper. In prayer I drew near the Lord, and rejoiced to repeat before him my determination to do his will. Now that my mind was easy, one would have thought that the prospect of the ministrations in the evening would have been delightful. But no such thing. Now that I had got rid of one difficulty, my perverted heart sought out another. I was not prepared for the evening; then I was constrained to wonder at the patience of God; then did I see it good to be afflicted, for the moment the rod was removed I was going astray. 0 Lord, guide me by thy own counsel. It is not in man to direct his steps. Do thou act towards thy blind creature according to thine own wisdom and love; the natural bent of my heart is to depart from thee — keep me through thine own power through faith unto salvation. I see the reason why Jesus would not remove the thorn out of St. Paul’s flesh. Now, 0 my soul, that thou hast found rest for a while, quicken thou thy lace / towards heaven. Now that thine enemies cease to molest,” thee, lose no time in getting forward. 0 that I might feel resolved to wrestle with God! In the evening prayer I designed to have dwelt entirely on love, that I might receive it from God, but found so much reason to pray for humility, that I could think of nothino- else.
JAN. 21. Pride filled my heart with evil surmises this morning when I rose. There is no living without humility. Found that peculiar kind of self-abhorrence in prayer this morning, (as I have often felt when expressions of egotism were hateful,) which, unaccountable as it may seem, always accompanies a humiliation not evangelical. Or else humiliation is only of one kind, namely, legal, and that which is called evangelical humiliation is the peaceful frame, which succeeds humiliation, not necessarily, but through grace. Considered 2 Tim. i. 10, in order to preach on it to-morrow.
Found myself sinking into an earthly and unhappy spirit, and struggled against it, and rose above it. The 54th chap ter of Isaiah, and 3d and 4th of 1 John, afforded me much refreshment. After dinner the sense of my ingratitude to God and indifference to the poor people at Lolworth rilled me with shame as having existed habitually in me. Prayer, however, removed my unwillingness to duty and slothfulness, and I went forth disposed to visit the people in Wall’s lane. The awfulness of the ministry pressed on my mind deeply. 0 that I might remember what it is to watch for souls, as those that must give account!
JAN. 23. Went by the Telegraph to London, with my thoughts taken up at first with happy views of God; but afterwards they wandered dissatisfied upon the things around me.
JAN. 24. Rose early, and with great difficulty attained a right spirit by prayer. Learnt some of Psalms xci. and cxix. by heart, Thought little of God during my walk through this great city; when I did, however, it was with much affection. Distracted by the bustle of this place, and the dissipation of my thoughts through want of reading and meditation; found it hard to be collected in private, or to force myself into a clear and lively view of eternal things.
JAN. 25. In company I forgot that sweet poverty of spirit which it would become me more to feel. Poor mean thing that I am! but I am contented to remain contemptible among men, so that my heart be thereby made in any degree more fit for the residence of God.
JAN. 26. Walked to the India House to Mr. Grant, who desired I would come down to Clapham. So I went with Mr. Grant, and upon the road he gave me much information on the state of India. He said that the language spoken by the natives who lived in the English settlements, was the Hindostanee, which was a mixture of several languages,
Arabic, Persic, Shanscrit, a sort of lingua franca; but that the Bengalee was the vernacular tongue of the bulk of the native inhabitants, and must be acquired by missionaries amongst the Hindoos; that it would be absolutely necessary to keep three servants, for three can do no more than the work of one English; that no European constitution can endure being exposed to mid-day heat; that Mr. Schwartz, who was settled at Tanjore, did do it for a time, walking among the natives. We arrived at Mr. Wilbcrforce’s to dinner; in the evening we conversed about my business. To Mr. Wilberforce I went into a detail of my views, and the reasons that had operated on my mind. The conversation of Mr. Wilberforce and Mr. Grant during the whole of the day, before the rest of the company, which consisted of Mr. Johnson of New South Wales, a French Abbe, Mrs. Unwin, Mrs. H. and other ladies, was edifying; agreeable to what I should think right for two godly senators, planning some means of bringing before Parliament propositions for better ing the moral state of the colony of Botany Bay. I had some conversation with the French Abbe about the authority of the church, but for want of understanding more French I could not well engage in it. At evening worship, Mr. W. expounded sacred scripture with serious plainness, and prayed in the midst of his large household.
JAN. 27. Evil tempers, and dark perverted views of divine things, made me unwilling to pray this morning; yet by prayer the Lord restored my soul, and led me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. I had many strong heart-searching desires after grace and holiness; but these are like “the early dew,” and it is for want of a contrite spirit, that my purposes of keeping in view one thing are so unsteady. The deep-rooted pride of my heart makes God behold it afar off, and throws a veil over all the bright and joyous things in religion. In prayer before dinner, after much pain, I drew near to God, and received strength and seriousness. After being much in company, I declined as usual in spirit, but the music and the sight of a rural scene of solitude had the effect of fixing my thoughts on heaven.
JAN. 28. My whole morning prayer was taken up, as it often is of late, in laboring after a humble and contrite spirit. Drank tea at Mr. Newton’s; the old man was very civil to me, and striking in his remarks in general; on my return 1 found myself unhappy, but by prayer and reading some scripture, 1 recovered. This text which I met, gave me many glad and instructive thoughts. “If any man serve me, let him follow me; and where I am, there shall my servant be.” Head in the evening to Mrs. — , “Burke on the Sublime,” and had in the course of it an instructive conversation on contrition of heart; she wished to feel it more, and I know it is the one thing needful for my peace.
JAN. 29. (Sunday.) Read Isaiah liv. after breakfast, with some consideration and profit. ... On coming home, I retired to my room, and had a most affecting reading of Isaiah liii. The arm of the Lord seemed to be revealed to me. “What manner of love was it, that the Lord should be pleased to bruise him! I found it in my heart to grieve at the sufferings of Christ, and the sins that occasioned them, and not to seek for any of this world’s enjoyments, when Christ was such a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I hoped that my soul would have been tender and humble the remaining part of the day.
JAN. 31. Began the day in hopes of being able to keep steadily in view the eternal world, and to walk humbly with God. Alas! I have little fear of God before my eyes, and seem to be little aware of the peremptory commandment of God. I go on from day to day indulging indeed no sin in my heart, yet feebly pressing towards the mark; yet I seem to imagine that a slight review of the defects of each day is sufficient, * * * May the
Lord give me repentance unto life, open my eyes and give me a holy fear, lest after having preached to others I myself should become a castaway. Read Isaiah — at 1 we went to hear the charge delivered to the missionaries at the new London Tavern in Cheap side. I shook hands with the two missionaries, Melchior Rayner, and Peter Hartwig, and almost wished to go with them; but certainly to go to India. Returned and read Isaiah, and retired in hopes of holding communion with God, and receiving strength for the remaining part of the day. But whilst I was beginning to intercede for some of my dearest friends (in which I am very irregular) and especially for the two missionaries, I was called down by some friends. The afternoon passed in much Christian conversation, and in the evening went to London-Stone Church, where - - preached on “the blood of sprinkling, which speaketh better things than that of Abel.” What do I know, as he asked, of the cleansing efficacy of the blood of Christ? The continually open fountain of that precious blood is an encouragement to me to come for pardon after repeated falls; but do I not walk less carefully under the covenant of grace, than I should do under the covenant of works?
FEB. 1. Walked with M. to the British Museum, and though I saw there much for which I could at times glorify God, — as the varieties of birds, fishes, reptiles, minerals, &c., and the works of his intelligent creatures, — I was plagued with the workings of an evil, selfish, dissipated, discontented heart.
FEB. 3. Went to bed with an earnest and hopeful desire of living in poverty of spirit and a sense of my own unworthiness.
FEB. 4. The temper I wished to retain was a source of great tranquillity to me this morning. I was rather oppressed with care, yet I checked the suggestions of sloth by considering the example of Christ and his ministers in the present day, and was rather humbled, as I ought to be, that I did not feel a burning zeal for the salvation of the poor Lol worth people, which would make it sweet to preach the gospel. In prayer at night, at whatever part of myself I looked, an immense change seemed to be necessary.
FEB. 5. (Sunday.) In preaching at Lolworth was more serious than usual, and felt an earnest desire to persuade them to commit their souls to Christ. During my ride home I was much depressed by reflecting on their extreme ignorance; yet through the miserable perverseness of my heart, instead of pitying them, I felt the strongest dislike to going to Lolworth, or to any such kind of work. What a spirit for a missionary! But I looked up steadily to Christ, and though the prospect of such uncomfortable ministerial labors damped my spirits, yet I encouraged myself with the examples of Christ and his wise and holy servants, now with him in glory, who once passed their lives in such services. I considered too that such difficulties were beforehand to be expected, and that, unless I suffered with him, I should not reign with him.
FKB. 6. All my prayers should be full of important petitions, and should be attended with so much diligence, as to make me remember the subjects of them, and wait for answers. Yet I scarcely remember about what I prayed this morning. At dinner to-day I fell again into that self-indulgence which I determine to avoid. Want of self-denial in the little things which concern the body, etc., unspeakably enervates the soul, and wounds the conscience. I sat down in the evening to read the Scriptures for my own comfort, and was able to give many hours to it uninterruptedly. How unspeakably awful is the latter part of Mark ix. Oh! have I considered what it is to be in hell for ever, and that my sins really deserve hell? Oh Holy Spirit! decide my mind when it is doubtful. Let me perceive how rich the mercy is for me to be permitted to flee from the wrath to come. Let me see how slight are the trials I am called to endure for the gospel’s sake. And let the ministerial work to which I often have carnal objections, be my dear delight.
FEB. 7. Walked with Mr. S., who advised me not to preach extempore yet, so I shall desist * * My
soul trembles often, lest my repentance should not be deep enough, or lest my sins should be unpardonable. But the blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth from all sin; and if there is any state of mind I desire, it is not joy, but srief; for then I feel my footing surer — am better disposed to diligence, sym pathy, and heavenly-mind edness.
FEB. 8. Prepared for the evening in a more cheerful spirit. But anxiety on that account (constantly) damped those sweet and heavenly thoughts which, at intervals, arose in my mind. Even this condition is infinitely preferable to that of those whose minds are discontented in the pursuit of dangerous trifles; whereas my trials, which either arise from ministerial or Christian duties, are for my present and eternal welfare. Let not the Lord be provoked at my continual obstinacy; for I am indeed as a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke; but may He, by his own gracious influences, subdue my stubborn
will. Drank tea at ’s. There were so many people
crowded in a very small room, that my faculties were quite clouded. I found great difficulty in explaining the first chapter of Revelation, and was very unprofitable; and, what was worse, my heart went not forth. When I came to the part, “to him that loved us,” &c., where, if anywhere, my tongue should have been loosed, I could say nothing; and it was for want of a contrite spirit. When I knelt down to pray, it seemed as if I had not a word to say, yet I found myself soon at case, and particularly disposed to dwell on the prospect of the world to come.
FEB. 9. Found I had been getting into shortness in prayer. How can I expect the comforting and sanctifying presence of God, without “watching unto prayer with all perseverance?” At church preached on “Enoch walked with God.” 0 how much is contained in that text! What holy breathings of soul, what familiarity with God! AVhat acquaintance with his ways! It was to-day my constant desire, though not my attainment, to be truly humbled; without this temper I cannot pray aright. It is a hard proud heart, that keeps me from rejoicing in God.
FED. 10. In prayer (about this time,) I desired the true spirit of contrition; but for Avant of variety in expression for prayer for this grace, my petitions slip through my own mind unheeded, the words not exciting corresponding ideas. The subject I was considering this morning, namely, why wre should sorrow for sin when it is forgiven, was very comforting. I expect more profit yet from the further prosecution of it.
FEU. 11. Enjoyed much delight in the happiness of a soul bought with blood. I had a more clear view of the dispensation of redemption than ever, and felt also assured of future glory. How trifling then did all expected difficulties appear! though these happy moments soon passed away, yet blessed be the Lord for them. Such Elim refreshments encourage me to urge my dreary way with speed through the wilderness.
FEB. 12. Had some desires in prayer for the good of my Lol worth people. On my ride thither, I was in general able to cleave to God, though sorrowful, and to be unconcerned about the comforts or distresses of the body. Preached on the parable of the Publican and Pharisee, a written sermon, clear, and generally, I believe, understood. Before the sermon I had prayed as in a void and barren place, to which God would not vouchsafe his presence, but now I rode away in a more cheerful mood.
FEB. 13. I took my walk in great distress about my want of preparation for the evening,; yet I put my trust in God, and seemed to feel a spark of grace amidst all these billows of corruption and trouble. Indeed I seem used to these trials, and the remembrance of past assistance helps me onward. When shall I minister with a heavenly sweetness in my own heart? when shall I have high and exalted views of this glorious ministration of the Spirit? In prayer at night, I had a solemn sense of the presence of God, and was conscious that he heard me.
FEB. 14. I enjoyed for a while the liberty of being disengaged, but it had the effect of leading my heart astray. Sat down to read at last, with a more serious sobriety of mind. O what happiness is there in a heart weaned from the world, and undisturbed by its perplexing vanities! But I am very far from a steady enjoyment of these things. In prayer at
the society, and with afterwards, found to my sorrow,
that I am acquiring an unthinking fluency. 0 let me learn to watch my spirit, and seek to pray in secret, earnestly, in a heart-searching manner!
FEB. 15. Read this morning Kichener’s account of his success in Africa. I felt a happy delight arising from the account. Omitted one of the parties (which I had in a man ner promised to attend), thinking it right to appropriate more time to myself. I had some little doubt whether I was doing right, but begged of God that I might improve the time I had taken for myself. Began to think upon Mark viii. 34, but spent several hours in vain attemps to define the extent of self-denial, and to define it at all. Alas! the days that I lose! I am an unprofitable servant, Lord, teach me to redeem my time.
FEB. 10. Breakfasted with M”. and B.; but though I had solemnly engaged in prayer, with a sense of the importance of a deep seriousness, and earnest improvement of the talent of conversation, I was neither profitable nor sober-minded. Prayed over the promises in Isaiah xli. xlii. xliii.
FEB. 17. I rejoiced that God had made this life a time of trial. To climb the steep ascent, to run, to fight, to wrestle, was the strong desire of my heart. I was sometimes in doubt, whether this were not merely the vain and proud spirit of the heathen sages; but passages enough of scripture occurcd to remind me, that the spirit of the gospel was self-denying. As I walked afterwards, this temper still remained. All those duties from which I usually shrunk, seemed but recreations; and the sight of the vaulted roof of azure, bid me aspire to reach it by treading in the footsteps of Christ. At five, went to Mr. P.’s, and without clearness spoke to them on “Thy will be done.” “Went away feeling the iniquity of my holy things; for though fluent in prayer, I found myself unimpressed with the ordinance at which I had been ministering.
FEB. 18. In prayer at noon interceded seriously for the people at Lohvorth. I prayed particularly that I might take delight in being with them, and wait in faith for the time when this wilderness should begin to blossom. In my walk had too much lightness of spirit.
FEB. 19. (Sunday.) Many happy and heavenly thoughts were kept out of my mind, by reading at church instead of praying there. Preached at Lohvorth on Ezek. xxxvii. 11 — 13, but not intelligibly, and without animation. The two families on whom I called afterwards seemed incapable of comprehending or attending to any saving truths. Alas!
how can I expect they should feel life from my preaching, if I have it not myself! Yet I feel disposed to labor in prayer for improvement.
FEB. 20. I found, after dinner, the presence of my God in prayer; how great is his mercy, that without any particular meditation or reading, he permitted me to speak freely, and to look off for a time from those concerns, even of a religious kind, which, through my weakness, either of knowledge or faith, often distress and burden me! After giving the after noon to the subject, I went very cheerfully to Mr. Phillips ’s, and spoke on the subject of temptation, from the words, “God did tempt Abraham.” Stammered out some very unintelligible things, which did not seem at all to engage their attention. Went away humbled and grieved at the iniquity of my holy things.
FEB. 21. Finding it impossible to prepare for the evening,
I went to request S to go in my stead, but he was out
of town. This was some vexation to me; yet I endeavored to make it an occasion of faith, for I thought, that if I were going about the work of God, he would give me grace to
perform it. W called on me to walk, but as my heart
was heavy, I could not introduce with success any religious topic; but rather, I fear, betrayed a satirical temper, which I detest, conceiving it to be the most opposite to a Christian temper of any. O let me live in
a holy superiority to those earthly things, which would tempt me to sin by producing anger! Never a day comes without annoyances. Every day my will is thwarted. Let these trials but issue in my sanctification, and I will welcome them all. I trust and hope, that from them I have learned in a great degree the evil of sin, a humbled and tender spirit, and a subjugation of the will to God. Yet amid these trials of my faith and patience, my walk is not close with God, as far as it regards the manifestations of his presence. I seem to pray to a God not angry, but indifferent about my prayers. Tins I know to be occasioned by my not reading- Scripture enough for myself; for if I were in company with another being, I should not be much the better for his presence, however much I might speak to him, unless I were to hear his voice.
FEU. ’23. Stayed up so late last night, that I could rise but
just in time to receive 0 to breakfast; but it was neither
a time of profitable conversation, nor an exercise to me of a heavenly temper. After lie was gone, I sat down to read a newspaper, forgetful of having had no prayer; and though I recollected this in the middle of it, I continued reading, thinking with myself, that I might as well finish, and so have done with it. In prayer afterwards, I hardly knew in what man ner to approach God, and how to address him. I could not dare to confess the sinfulness of that, which, if I confessed it, would be a profession of my having deliberately disobeyed the dictates of my conscience the moment before; which I was not convinced that I had.
FKB. 24. Rose at half-past five with great difficulty, and after a long deliberation, so little have I been in the habit lately of not listening to the bodv. In prayer, new and original subjects of petition seemed to open before me.
I was quite overcome with sleep in the evening, till on going to prayer I recovered myself; but my prayers, though generally four times a day at least, are very poor and short. I do not engage in the duty unwillingly, but I am satisfied with a narrow and short transition from things temporal to things eternal.
FEB. 26. (Sunday.) Strove to maintain such a sense of the blessedness of the Sabbath, of the composure of mind which becomes me, of the excellence of preaching the gos pel, of the earnest desire it behoves me to feel for the salvation of souls, as I knew I ought to feel, and then did feel.
On my ride to Lol worth, was more right in spirit than I have been for some lime past. The inclemency of the weather affected me less; I found the presence of God in my heart, with which I felt that the most dark and dreary place would be pleasant. I offered up my prayers also for the poor peo ple’ to whom I was going; but alas! my desires for their salvation were so small, that I ought to be ashamed to mention them, and grieved before God. Preached on the parable of the lost sheep; a blessed subject! yet my manner of writing and speaking made it, I am afraid, of little use; but I prayed that God would not make my weakness a reason of its not profiting them. I thought it right to accept an invitation to drink tea with Mr. - - at Lolworth, in hope of being able to conciliate him.
Mr. Simeon’s sermon this evening, on Ezek. xxxvi. 32, was very humiliating to me. The hymn before the sermon, in behalf of ministers, seemed to draw down a blessing at the time upon my soul.
FEB. 27. Very narrow in my petitions this morning; chiefly on one point, that my business might not confuse my thoughts, and lead me away from God, which I think was answered. During my walk I felt an aching void. My heart was not forcing itself from God’s service, or to sin; but it was unable to find any subject of desire, or fear, or occasion of prayer, except that light and earnestness might be given me. This extreme emptiness must be owing, I think, to not readingmore of his word in private devotion, which I have determined to do; for it is a duty superior to the duties of the ministry, which indeed I cannot perform well without it. Yet the pressure of business tempts me to shorten the time which ought to be devoted to God. After dinner, found a few moments of prayer produce a blessed effect in recalling my mind.
FEB. 29. Employed about my sermon all leisure hours.
I was more serious than for some time, and during my walk, felt and lamented the evil of faithless prayers, and irreverent ejaculations.
MARCH 1. During iny walk I had not humiliation enough to be happy, but yet 1 was so impressed with the necessity of self-denial, that no further difficulty terrified me.
MARCH 2. At night about my sermon, read the latter end of Revelations, and so very lively was the impression on my mind, that I was often in tears. So awful, so awakening is this book to me! Prayed with more fervor than I have done of late, and went to bed full of the sense of the importance of eternal things.
MARCH G. In the morning I sought to rouse myself to greater earnestness in prayer. It was my earnest desire to walk in the fear of God’s holy name, and to have a more awful alarm about my state, and to dread his displeasure. Looked at an iron foundry in Wall’s Lane: the fierce fire raised many solemn ideas of God’s power, and of hell.
MARCH 7. At church this morning I began to read the service with the most daring indifference, as if it were a loss of time, not regarding the presence of that great God before whom I ministered; but afterwards he had mercy on me, and taught me to tremble; reflected that I could never be more profitably employed than in doing his will, and if that called me out of doors, it was my duty to enjoy his presence wherever I went. Composed some poetry during my walk, which often has a tendency to divert my thoughts from the base distractions of this life, and to purify and elevate it to higher subjects.
On my return to my rooms, read Hopkins with great delight, and felt disposed to find all my happiness in prayer, reading God’s word, and in the work of the ministry. 0 may these motions of the good Spirit of God never be taken away, through the wickedness of my own heart! but what wonders of long-suffering and of grace do I experience from God every day!
MARCH 8. My mind was too much engaged in the composition of poetry, which I found to leave me far short of that sweetness I seemed in a frame to enjoy. Yet on the spot where I have often found the presence of God, the spirit of prayer returned; but I never continue long enough in the exercise of it to profit much. Prayed with fervor and sincerity, I hope, for myself, lest envy should arise in my wretched heart. I could not have believed but that I was next to perfectly indifferent about worldly honor; but I was now convinced of the contrary. Alas! how much more ready and disposed am I to prefer in myself intellectual attainments to moral, and more willing to allow my own inferiority in this latter rather than in the for mer! In my endeavors to rise beyond the mean vanities of human glory, my soul enjoyed many precious thoughts of eternity; and thus I perceive, how every disquiet operates for the good of God’s children, by stirring them up to pray. Oh how rich the mercy, to have one to whom to apply for deliverance from these malignant passions! and how needful is purification from the filthiness of the spirit! I have seldom considered myself as even liable to envy. I feel considerable pain at being surpassed in learning or abilities by those of the same age, but little or none at my inferiority in moral acquirements. That this is the fact I cannot doubt, if I know my own mind. How is it to be accounted for? The man ner most favorable to myself, in which I should account for it, is that any body may advance as far as he will in moral endowments, but not so in intellectual; and the value of the object is enhanced by the difficulty of attaining it.
MARCH 9. I read Smith on the “Sacred Office,” and acquired many awakening and quickening impressions from that work. I trust that it will be blest by God to my good; for
I felt many desires of being truly a man of prayer and heavenly-mindedness. Henceforth may I be so, but at present I am a poor creature. Blind, yet believing, I see; almost dead, yet believing, 1 live.
MARCH 10. Rose in a temper of calmness, but passed my leisure hours un profitably, for want of exerting myself more. The conviction of my unprofitableness stirred me up to pray with some earnestness over part of 1 Timothy, but it so dwelt upon my mind during my whole walk, that I could not raise my heart to God with any delight.
On my favorite spot, the scene of many sacred thoughts, my Bethel, into which I hope never to enter without a holy awe, and never to leave without a blessing, I knelt down and prayed for relief to my soul. I think my prayer was an swered, for I found myself more at peace.
MARCH 15. In the morning I got on in my sermon with ease, and found the subject of unbelief attended with a blessing to myself. The passages adduced to obviate unbelief, were so influential upon my mind, that I found myself drawn nearer to God, and able to walk with him in tranquillity. Oh, what an incitement to holiness is it, that in no one case is it right to depart from God!
Whether from negligence or necessary business, I had no reading of God’s word all the day. This is an evil that must be remedied, though I hardly know how to effect it. Public ministrations take up my time and thoughts too much, though too little of my heart. I ought to make my own soul’s increase of grace and love to God my great and primary concern, and to leave my outward ministrations to Him, whom I may safely trust to for assistance, if I walk strictly in his ways. I often regret that I am not a private Christian; but when I was, my soul was not fixed on spiritual things, even as it is now.
MARCH 17. I had many careful thoughts and unbelieving fears in my walk, and found great difficulty in getting on in my sermon, and great interruption, and much fatigue and dislike to the service of Christ; but looked up to lieayen for support, and repeated those words, “I know, that for my name’s sake thou hast labored, and hast not fainted.”
MARCH 19. All the morning I was with - — , and went away in great sorrow; but in prayer I again and again professed to resign all my will to God, and in that spirit to wait for the manifestation of his. The rest of this after noon I was continually tempted to misery and unbelief in departing from God; but by ejaculatory prayer I kept my ground.
Read some chapters in Exodus afterwards, and had my heart solemnly impressed with the mighty power of God. On the whole, though I have studied little, and done nothing for the good of others, I have found it an occasion of showing me the love and power of God. These faint glimmerings of the knowledge of God, make me desire to know him more, and to long after that life where I shall know even as I am known.
MARCH 20. My spirit groans at my unprofitableness. For want of study, and diligence in redeeming time, my mind is empty and unsatisfied. Stayed an hour with, and employed the rest of the morning in writing and reading from “Edwards on the Affections,” without gaining any knowledge. Have not yet got into its spirit. In my walk, my heart was not fixed upon God, nor upon anything else.
After dinner, was with till four, then I sat with a party
at Mr. Simeon’s till seven, then with my pupil till ten. Thus the day was passed, no scripture read, seldom in prayer to God, no poor people visited, no knowledge gained in a day which should have been taken up in right and improving exercises, as I had no particular engagement. How angry I feel at myself! and I hardly know for what. I can hardly tell how to reform my mode of life, so as to gain time. But earnestly does my soul long to live a life of piety and prayer.
MARCH 21. Resolved to set apart the chief part of this day for solemn prayer and humiliation. But through interruptions, I could not begin till half-after ten, when my soul so tasted the sweetness of religion and prayer, that as soon as I opened my mouth, my heart was full; and for half an hour I enjoyed great abstraction from the world, and nearness to God. But at eleven I read prayers at church, not with such devotion as I expected, but during an hour and a half, which I passed afterwards in reading scripture and prayer, I found my heart hard and bitter, not only at being so little disposed to pray for my people at Lolworth, but at the necessity of my loving them, and of laboring and praying for them. Alas! I must have far, far more love to souls before 1 dare go abroad.
MARCH 22. G — - breakfasted with me, and stayed all the morning, telling me about India. During my walk my sermon began to open before me, and I returned home cheerful, and desiring to be always happy by trusting God. At night I read to my bed-maker, and prayed somewhat solemnly, and in private afterwards with some fervor, in the conviction of my unprofitableness.
MARCH 23. Coming away from the poor-house, I found people quarrelling in the street, to which I presently put a stop; but it is painful to reflect, with what unconcern I daily witness the sin and misery of my fellow-creatures.
MARCH 24. My prayer this morning, as every morning for some time, has been almost wholly for seriousness and sobriety of mind. Passed a long time with. Thus my hours are lost, my mind is unimproved, and yet it is an imperious call of duty. May the Lord take care of me, and order all things for my good.
MARCH 26. In private prayer, prayed that my past unprofitableness might not lead away my wretched heart from God, nor discourage me from holding on my way. Read “Fletcher’s portrait” for an hour with great profit, and prayed after it in deeper sense of my own meanness, and my utter unworthiness of the work of the ministry.
I act in this business in conformity to the will of God, according to the best of my judgment; yet thus my time passed unimproved, but I must patiently submit to it; at night I drew near to God in prayer, and felt disposed thankfully to labor in all earnestness and simplicity, to call my poor fellow-creatures to Christ.
MARCH 30. Read in chapel, and finished my sermon, with my mind somewhat solemnly impressed with the subject of it. At church I strove to profit by the sermon, which I did, for I went away very desirous of imitating the faith of Abraham. But alas! when the trials of faith come, as they do every day, I am seldom aware, and seldom act worthily. Before evening church, I had a few profitable moments in prayer, which had its effect during the whole evening ser vice. I long for communion with the blessed God.
MARCH 31. I retained the serious impressions of the morning prayer. After dinner, began to pray with great fervor, and found my eyes open soon upon the invisible world. I continued so in great freedom and earnestness rather more than half an hour, but oh, I could live for ever in prayer, if I could always in it speak to God! At the end felt a great fear of forgetting the presence of God, and of leaving him as soon as I should leave the posture of devotion. My mind was strongly impressed with that wonderful sight of the in-
[1804.
visible things which the believer is made to receive; and I was eager to read what Dr. Watts has written on the hidden life. I was exceedingly delighted with it, as it cleared my mind, and raised my thoughts more to a steady belief of the spiritual life. Drank tea with Mr. Simeon, and was much struck and edified by his account of God’s providence, in bringing him first to his church.