April 1804 – July 1804
April 1. Was prevented by one tiling and another, from being any considerable time in prayer, which I endeavor to regard as a visit to the invisible world. In the morning ser vice I was not abstracted from the world, except at a few passing intervals. In the sacrament I had to lament the want of a broken heart, and in my private prayers at the time, I seemed to be speaking in a crowd, so that I could think of nothing distinctly.
APRIL 2. In my walk I found myself, as far as I could judge, entirely disposed to obey the will of God in what ever manner he might order it, having particularly in my mind.
APRIL 4. Somewhat in a rejoicing frame, at the remembrance of what God had done for me by Christ and his Spirit. I longed for that heaven, where I should be perfectly pure and active. I sat and read the last chapter of Revelation.
APRIL 5. Walked with, but my mind was not disposed by communion with God for spiritual conversation, for he called before the time of my prayer. Was extremely edified by ’s sermon at Trinity Church, both in my private and public capacity. I was ashamed and grieved at writing, and having written, such sermons, after hearing his truly religious gravity.
APRIL 6. Walked with G, but having had no prayer
immediately before going out, I could not converse with ease and cordiality, though I wished it.
APRIL 7. In my walk could not get near God; want of
reading Scripture is the reason of this strangeness. H
and S sat with me till past seven; from dinner time our
conversation was such, that I did not think the time spent in
vain. Went to Mrs. T, who was apparently dying. It
was of no use to read, they said; so I spoke to her, begging her to cast herself simply upon Jesus.
APRIL 8. In my prayer this morning, as for some time past, I could easily find myself alone with God, but failed in topics of supplication for want of reading. Preached at Trinity Church without much comfort. Detestable thoughts about the opinions of men so intruded. During service, at night, and preaching at Trinity Church, my mind enjoyed great solemnity. 1 find that preaching well, and living well in humiliation and communion with God, have no necessary connection. At night in reading Rev. i, and ii. I had many solemn and blessed thoughts. To the angel of the church at Lolworth write — — What? To that of Ephesus he said, “I know thy labor;” would he say so to me?” 1 feel convinced, that I do not labor in secret prayer for them. “Thou hast left thy first love.” Alas! I never did love as I ought. Henceforth it is my desire to know God, and labor indeed, and enter deeply into this rich treasure of his word, and to grow in every grace.
APRIL 10. I find that it is my great business to strive to maintain a humble and serious mind, if I would enjoy peace and communion with God. Very often I could see myself a lost sinner, a debtor to mercy alone. I was happy and joy ful. Hoped and prayed that I might strive by all my conversation to glorify Him.
APRIL 11. After a morning of continual interruptions, went out with a painful sense of a day unprofitably spent. Yet in my walk, by seeing myself a debtor to mercy alone, I enjoyed much tranquillity and clearness of thought. At night I endeavored to suppose myself on my death-bed, in order to see what views I should then have of my conduct in this business. What keeps me still in a sort of fear and suspense is, that the result of my deliberations coincides with my own will.
APRIL 14. Distressed about my future plans, but by recollecting that whatever He ordered for me must be for His glory and for my final good, I recovered my quiet, by resigning myself and all that concerned me into His hands; in prayer during my walk I did the same, and went away benefited, with a desire to live to God all the day. In the evening’, from having been more frequently in prayer to-day than usual, I drew nigh unto the Lord, and felt more fulness of heart in prayer for myself and others, though just before it I was distressed by many fearful and unbelieving thoughts. Read Thess. iv. and v. with exceeding profit, and learnt them by heart.
APRIL 15. (Sunday.) Was prevented from so much reading and prayer as I wished to have, in order to maintain the impressions of last night. Read and preached at Trinity on John iv. 29. After the evening service I enjoyed the blessing of peace and joy. Thus the Lord is always better to me than my fears, and puts a new song into my mouth when I least expect it. In the family at night I joined with great freedom and delight in spiritual conversation, and strove to make it profitable to some young persons there. In prayer at night, the self-seeking, departure from God, and pride of my heart recurred to my recollection, and seemed to have filled up the dav. The more attentively I consider my spirit at any one time, the more manifestly does my incessant proneness to sin appear to my conscience. I solemnly renounced the world, and the comforts, even the lawful comforts of it, before God this night, that I might be entirely his servant. This was accompanied with some degree of melancholy, as if I were about to be a loser by it; but I was made to perceive the pride and ignorance of supposing 1 bad made any sacrifice. The remembrance of whut 1 had done to deserve destruction, and a view of the superlative excellence and glory of being the servant of God, and having him for my only portion, soon made me thankful at having made a happy exchange.
APRIL 18. The whole of the evening, till a late hour, I was engaged in writing a few lines for the Seatonian Prize. I regard this exercise as a lawful pleasure, but 1 was employed with rather too great avidity, and the mind, after it has been accustomed to iiction and pleasures of the imagination, returns unwillingly even to the most important realities.
A PHIL 10. II breakfasted with me, but I could not
converse with freedom; indeed I had the utmost difficulty to keep the poem out of my head, both now and in the morning before prayer. Heard an impressive sermon from — — on “I have fought a good fight,” &c. 0! I felt that I had never been fighting, never running. At moments indeed I have been stirred up to begin the struggle; but soon, before I was aware, I found myself self-indulgent, and my hands slack. In my walk found great pleasure in thinking on the subject of my poem; and it became such a snare, that I was unwilling to turn from it to learn some of the Scriptures; but I did, and found myself delivered, through mercy, from any strong bias to prefer anything to the service of God.
APRIL 22. (Sunday.) During the whole service in the evening, my mind enjoyed what resembled heavenly sweetness, but a great deal of it was carnal. Saw that early rising, self-denial, watchfulness, and prayer, are necessary to awaken in me more earnestness in religion.
APRIL 24. Rose with very distressing thoughts, but was refreshed and strengthened in faith by prayer, so that instead of giving way to an improper temper with my pupils,. I was able to be in a more serious and devout spirit. Read with attention Rom. v.; and though I could not fully make out the difficult parts of it, the overflowings of grace exhibited in it were enlivening to my spirit. The blessed sense of it remained during my walk, though I had a great deal of unbelief.
APRIL 25. My temper this day has been un watchful. At church, however, this morning, I guarded against that sinful delusion of reading the prayers carelessly, because there were but two or three people, and prayed I think earnestly. Drank
tea with B, with whom my conversation was as usual
entirely spiritual; but I went away with reason to lament how much farther my tongue and head go in divine things than my heart.
APRIL 26. Woke in great pain of body from a violent headache and great stupidity of mind. I scarcely knew what to do. I could think of no promise suitable, but repeated Rom. viii. to myself without much affection. Happened to open “Paley’s Horse Paulinse,” where he describes the unwearied patience and invincible fortitude of St. Paul. I was revived in spirit. The whole train of apostles, and martyrs, and saints struggling for immortality, suddenly passed in review before my mind, and inflamed my heart with an ardent desire to follow their faith and patience, and I prayed accordingly. Read some of “Serle’s Christian Remembrancer” with great serenity of mind; for God had spoken comfort to my soul, not by any particular passage of Scripture, but by giving me the thought that I was alone with him. I then spoke to him as a friend, and as all my salvation. It is the want of a walk of faith, an assured hope, that brings on such disquiet at the prospect of death. Let it remind me to make my calling and election sure. O Eternity! Eternity!
APRIL 27. Was hindered from morning prayer three hours, by pupils coming, during which time my spirit was rather hasty, worldly, and unchristian, for want of being set aright by prayer. Afterwards became calm and peaceful, though I had not much enlargement in prayer from want of time. Oh, what a reason is this to assign, when every moment of my short span of life and of the everlasting duration of my soul are His! Yet I am often tempted to shorten the times of devotion, by supposing that duty calls me elsewhere.
Read in the evening a sermon by Bostwick, on “We preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord,” every word of which cut deep into my conscience. I blese God for sendin“- me a word of conviction, for I believe I know little of Christ. In the choice of subjects for sermons, I never hit upon any which shall be directly upon the work or grace of Christ. There are unsearchable riches of Christ, but I know little of them. With the system of doctrine I am acquainted, and find Christ’s work my only delight, but the want of novelty in these subjects has heretofore often failed of arresting my attention to sermons which contained them, and there fore makes me despair of gaining the attention of my hearers, by discourses which shall contain nothing but those topics. May Christ in his mercy teach me better things! and if it be his glory and the salvation of souls I aim at, in wishing to fix the attention of men, He will instruct me accordingly; but if not, if I cannot say anything new, 01 in a new manner, yet “wo is me if I preach not the gospel.” I have also never labored as I ought; no, not in any degree, either in public or private. But now I commend myself to God, and the word of his grace, beseeching him to show his creature more of his wickedness and ignorance, and so to reveal Christ to his heart, that I may be determined upon good grounds to know nothing but Jesus Christ and him crucified.
APRIL 29. (Sunday.) At rising, and in prayer, tried, not without success, to be alone with God, and to have my mind impressed with the solemn work of preaching Christ to sinners. Preached at Stapleford on Luke xv. 4 — 7, and succeeded by watchfulness and prayer in maintaining steadiness and humility. In the afternoon preached on that awful subject, Psalm ix. 17, and began with some impression of heart, but was frequently speaking as if I was not one of the sinners I was addressing. In my walk back, not being able to introduce anything religious, insensibly passed the whole time in talking about music; for this my conscience suffered after wards. In prayer I found some difficulty in obtaining right views. Prepared myself during a walk in the shrubbery for the evening, and was blessed with many ardent desires after an entire devotion to God, and forgetfulness of the world.
APRIL 30. B breakfasted with me, but as my mind
was not solemnized by sufficient prayer beforehand, a natural spirit was prevalent. During my walk I was thinking chiefly on the text, “Not as the offence, so is the free gift.” I was at this time in heaviness on account of the business which oppresses me. I went home and fled to the throne of grace, without which I should be swallowed up with anguish at the affliction into which it has brought me, from irritation of mind and loss of time. In great sorrow I read some of Isaiah. I can praise God for this serious affliction, and beg him to give it its proper effect, but my pain arises greatly from want of time for reading and prayer, as also from doubtfulness about the will of God. 0 may he curb and subdue that proud and angry spirit which often, and particularly to day, has risen up in indignation!
MAY 1. From twelve to one, C sat with me, to my
great vexation, as I had not a moment to lose. In my walk I was thinking on Isaiah xxxv. for the evening, and was revived by it, though not at peace, as when strong faith and repentance are vouchsafed to me. In the evening grew better by reading Psalm cxix., which generally brings me into a spiritual frame of mind.
MAY 2. Walked out this morning before breakfast, and the beauties of the opening spring constrained me to adoration and praise. But no earthly object or operation can produce true spirituality of heart. My present failing is in this, that I do not feel the power of motives. I have not the fear of God before my eyes in any degree as I ought, nor the fear of danger to my own soul. This night in prayer I was enabled to see my duty, and what is the holy, heavenly, lowly spirit I ought to maintain, but could not believe it was a matter of the last importance to strive after it. Yet I wish to walk closely with God. 0 let nothing turn away my thoughts from incessantly prosecuting this blessed work!
MAY 3. Leisure time employed about my sermon, to little purpose till I walked, when my thoughts seemed to flow freely. I received great comfort in being able to feel that the keeping my own heart was not only more necessary than writing sermons, but the best way to succeed in them.
MAY 4. The prospect of so much to be done before Sun day, would have overwhelmed my spirits at most times, but God seems to have strengthened my faith this day. I trusted in him, and was not confounded, and now will I bless him. I took my paper and ink into the garden, looking up to God for assistance, and wrote freely for two hours. I find all the difference in writing out of doors, with quiet and pleasing objects before my eyes, and within, where I can do nothing without closing my eyes upon the things before me. If I could be always alone with God, entirely indifferent about the opinions of men, but anxious only to deliver my message from him, and waiting for the fruits of it, I should reach a state to which I aspire, but have not attained.
MAY 8. As soon as my eyes open in the morning upon this world, mere earthly thoughts fill my mind instantly. It is only after prayer that I can have my mind fastened upon spiritual things. To maintain a spiritual frame of mind, is now the subject of all my petitions, but all my endeavors seem to have as little effect as a few slight touches to a man sleeping, who just half opens his eyes, and is then asleep again. Or it is like pushing an immense weight up a hill; if you relax your efforts, the weight stops, and more than stops. Alas! how far must the heart have departed from God by nature, when it requires such incessant labor to keep it with him, even when the reason approves, and the will embraces him! Read some of “Flavel’s Saint Indeed,” which seemed the very book that was suitable to my present views.
MAY 9. After breakfast, my spirits being a little refreshed, I drew near to God in prayer, and rejoiced that I was in his hands, and that he would order all things for my good. During my walk, I was led to think a good deal on my deficiency in human learning, and on my having neglected those branches which would have been pleasing and honorable in the acquisition. Yet I said, though with somewhat of melancholy, “What things were gain to me those I counted loss for Christ.” Though I became less esteemed by man, I can not but think, [though it is not easy to do so,] that it must be more acceptable to God to labor for souls, though the mind remains uninformed; and consequently, that it must be more truly great and noble, than to be great and notable among men for learning. In the garden afterwards, I rejoiced exceedingly at the prospect of death fast approaching, when my powers of understanding would be enlarged inconceivably. They all talked to me in praise of my sermon on Sunday night, but praise is exceedingly unpleasant to me, because I am slow to render back to God that glory which belongs to him alone. Sometimes it may be useful in encouraging me when I want encouragement, but that at present is not the case, and in truth, praise generally produces pride, and pride presently sets me far from God.
MAY 10. My spirit groans within me at the unprofitableness of my time, so much of which passes every day unsatis factorily, generally through necessity, but sometimes through mv own carelessness. Indeed, if I were careful to live in the spirit of watchfulness and prayer at all times, I should be able to improve the odd half hours. From something I read in Flavel, I was convinced of the injury we do to ourselves, by coming to God without due meditation; but this, instead of inducing me to stir up my soul to a right frame, somehow made me less anxious. At length I had an hour to myself
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in my room, and I desired to turn it to the verv best account. I read Hopkins and the Greek Testament, and prepared my self in a degree to meet the Lord. But in it I was not properly engaged, from not seeing long time enough before me. My soul groans after perfect holiness, though my flesh is slow to follow the way to attain it.
MAY 11. B. breakfasted with me, but for want of sufficient morning prayer, I wras not careful to improve the conversation. Mv time bein<r now so short, I determined to cfive all
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the rest of the day to acts of devotion, without going into hall to dinner. So I retired to the garden, and first read “FlaveFs Saint Indeed,” and one of the Epistles, and then endeavored to order my thoughts. How dark, confused, and wandering were they. I asked myself about what I was come to consider. I first assured myself, upon grounds which I thought good, that I was building upon the right foundation, and then found that my true business was to get my heart, which has long been destitute of clear views of God, to become more spiritual. In prayer I continued some time with earnestness, and devoted myself to the service of my Lord with greater solemnity.
MAY 12. Rose from morning prayer with my soul breathing after holiness. I hoped that this day I should keep my Seart with all diligence — found my spirit right, happy in
God, and full of hope. Read some of Milner s Church History, and of Flavel’s Saint Indeed, with great blessing. In
the afternoon was at a party at ’s, with a party of men
very familiar, as long known, though irreligious. What an unprofitable time it was, and that through my fault partly, and much do I fear I said many things in a way of wit to provoke or offend one of them there. Oh my soul, this is a fearful sin. How different was my conduct from the tender, pitying, humble, and serious deportment of a true child of God! Towards night, my heart declined in spirituality through want of reading scripture and prayer. But, oh that I might now truly begin to live with God, and to God!
MAY 13. I was watchful this morning against earthly thoughts, and God sent a blessing to my spirit. I enjoyed everything, and rejoiced that I should daily grow more watchful, with every thought brought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. This happy and holy frame continued during my morning service; and during my ride to Lolworth, though it was harder to preserve it, yet the taste of the sweetness of it made me strive to keep God in sight by prayer. Preached on Heb. iii. 12. By altering the style of the writ ten sermon, as I went along, it was delivered, I think, with plainness and earnestness. Read the evening service at Trinity Church with unusual fervor; but with many vain, self-exalting thoughts at so doing.
MAY 15. In morning prayer, I pleaded again and again that I might be heedful to my spirit during the day; that I might walk alone with God; that I might prepare myself for the evening, not with the detestable anxiety of approving myself unto men, but with the sole wish of doing the will of God.
MAY 16. In my walk I was at first greatly distressed, and appeared quite shut out from the divine presence. But soon after beginning to learn some of Psalm cxix., and repeating our Lord’s farewell sermon in St. John, my peace returned. Thus the word of God is always my comfort. In prayer, I seemed to abjure all sin, and the very approach to it, from the bottom of my heart. Read the second Epistle to the Corinthians, with a special blessing. What mean, dark views have I of the glorious ministrations of the Spirit! And if the work of the ministry be so awful, how can such a worm as I be faithful in it without earnest prayer and help from God! If Paul was such as we are in afflictions, distresses, (and 0 how far off from anything like this do I find myself,) yet I ask myself, why am I not holy and heavenly-minded as Paul?
MAY 17. Rose early, with my spirit far from God, but I was brought to a humble, serious frame by prayer. Let it teach me to be constant and persevering in it.
MAY 20. (Sunday.) Enjoyed this morning, as also last night, great blessedness in prayer. When I walked in the garden, the sight of the beautiful objects in it made God still appear to be very near. In the afternoon heard Mr. Lloyd preach with great clearness and power on the internal illumination of the Holy Spirit. During the anthem there, 1 seemed to have a foretaste of heaven, and could have wished to die, or to live always in that frame in which I found my self. Preached at Trinity this evening on Eph. iv. 30. Went home afterwards, and succeeded in keeping down all self-exalting thoughts, and to have my mind not taken up with thinking about what I had been just doing, but alone with God.
MAY 21. I awoke with a mind disposed to pray and praise, according to my prayer of yesterday, but by not immediately rising, my vain heart wandered from God again. O how do I waste and trifle with the precious gifts of God; yet in prayer “he restored” my soul again, and caused me to long earnestly for the continual walk of faith. Breakfasted with some friends, when the detestable spirit of pride, against which I had prayed, and which I foresaw would be working, molested me grievously. I considered myself as somebody, and that I must speak as an oracle on religion; however, I said little to the purpose. In the evening read Daniel, and should have had my soul filled with awful thoughts, had I not borne in mind that I should read it on Wednesday night at the room. 0 what a snare are public ministrations to me! Not that I wish for the praise of men, but there is some fear and anxiety about not getting through. How happy could I be in meeting the people of my God more frequently, were it not for this fear of being unprofitable! But since God has given me natural gifts, let this teach me that all I want is a spiritual frame, to improve and employ them in the things of God.
MAY 22. Rose fearful, but I resolved again in the strength of God to struggle hard this day. Wasted a great deal of the morning in finding out a text for the fast-day. My mind was beginning to sink into discontent at my unprofitableness, but by reading some of Psalm cxix. with prayer, I recovered. I find my best preservative is to ask myself, Is my present temper, train of thoughts, <fec. heavenly? then I strive to conform myself to the frame I should have, and the manner of speaking I should use, if my heart were filled with divine love.
It is amazing to me to reflect that I should have such a desire to die to the world, and to think of invisible things, as I believe I have, and yet find not only so much of sin, but also so much of levity in my spirit. The tide of animal spirits is so strong, that in the most sacred employment it intrudes and terrifies me. Yet in these two last days I have made progress, and blessed be God for it.
MAY 23. I was able to maintain the same watchful spirit this morning. At church my soul was assaulted grievously by wanderings of the eyes and heart, but the recollection of my late fellowship with God, helped to deliver me from those temptations. Sin is indeed inwrought into my nature; notwithstanding the greater degree of care over my spirit 1 have exerted, yet the least occasion is enough to cause the outbreakings of corruption. In my walk, enjoyed much of the presence of God, though the commendation of my sermon I yesterday received, too frequently recurred as a favorite meditation.
MAY 24. Many of my waking thoughts were employed on the subject of keeping near to God.
MAY 25. (Fast-day.) At ’s could not succeed in
making the conversation profitable, though I tried, repeatedly. I appealed to God, that I wished to improve the time in company better, and that it was all this time a grief to me, that the conversation was not more suitable to the day. Hiding home, my heart was not fixed or rejoicing, except once at the reflection of having given up the things of the world, and having nothing of any kind to engage my thoughts here, but to become holy, and be the means of sal vation to sinners. I could bless him also for giving me light and power to make so happy a choice.
MAY 20. My prayer this morning for a meek and holy sobriety was answered. 0 how sweet is the dawn of heaven. Read Juvenal for the examination, and my heart was soon departing from God, and leading me into dislike of his ser vice. But by some well-timed checks it returned.
MAY 27. (Sunday.) Continued above an hour in prayer in great deadness till towards the end, when I could have gone on with delight if my strength had permitted. Preached at Lohvorth, on Eph. iv. 30, but it seemed to tire them. Rode home quite disheartened but I
hastened to lift up my heart in prayer, for fear of feeling any improper emotion. — told me after church of many faults in reading and preaching. Though I felt really rejoiced at his kindness, yet the discovery of anything that made me contemptible to others, with the other proofs of desperate pride that I remembered this day, galled and grieved me; but at night I cried very earnestly that God would make me utterly despicable, and do anything to destroy the accursed sin of my heart.
MAY 28. Oh that my soul could maintain but for one day the divine sweetness attending the exercise of humility and love! I strove to keep my heart and my tongue as it were with a bridle. My thoughts were miserably wandering in my walk, through neglect of improving the time of reading and prayer.
MAY 30. In prayer my heart was in my mouth, and greatly elevated in spirits, which I endeavored to repress. During the rest of the morning I was assaulted by strong temptations, but some few ejaculations raised me above these sins and made me loathe them.
MAY 31. In prayer I was so clearly enlightened with the knowledge of what I ought to be, and so longed to maintain in perfection a holy, humble, serious, devout spirit, that I thought I should have at least some strong desires all the day; but after pupil and reading Juvenal, I was unwilling either to pray or read the Bible. But through mercy I was soon restored, and walked out in the happy enjoyment of
God’s presence. Supped with B r-, in company with
seven other clergymen. I wished much to say something to a good purpose, but had no opportunity, yet I reasonably blamed myself afterwards, for not having that spirituality of mind which might have found opportunities when there were otherwise none. When I reflected how godly our conversation ought to be, how high our adoration and acknowledgment of the divine presence, and contrasted it with our conduct, I perceived we were fallen creatures.
JUNE 2. Walked before dinner with B, but I wanted
to be alone. The conversation was about religion, but only about it. Soon after dinner I was somewhat shocked at considering how composedly I could go on so long without prayer, and not think of returning to it. I went to my room and prayed with seriousness, and found my spirit improved.
JUNE 4. The utmost attention to mental employment does not prevent the intrusion of vain and sinful thoughts; why then should it of religious thoughts? By many seasonable checks I turned away my thoughts from a light, unholy spirit, and directed it to use the posture as it were of humility and love. During my walk I learnt the latter part of 2 Tim. and Titus, with great conviction of the awful charge of the ministry. Some men complain that the wheels of their bodily machine run too slow for the soul, and so may I say in many things; but I may also add with equal truth, that the wheels of my body often run too fast for the soul, so that often when the soul is longing to compose itself to the exercise of a calm and sober temper, the animal spirits hurry it away in clear contradiction to the will.
JFNK 5. Enjoyed considerable peace this morning. Several marks of the contempt of men, at different times of the day, affected me but little. In my walk, found my mind very readily brought into somewhat of a temper of tenderness and sobriety, though not a clear sense of the divine presence. At night, read the six last Psalms, with some suitableness of spirit.
JUNE 6. Was very irregular in prayer this morning; my heart seemed disposed to praise, but I am always easily deceived by frames of joy. But I have, through grace, acquired more discernment, or at least have learnt by my own feelings what frame is not right. I have often had a great deal of joy without peace: it was not pure; my natural temper is a long way distant from that calm sobriety of soul, where self is altogether abased and forgotten, and God and his glory are the only subject and object of the thoughts. By repeated enjoyment of this blessed temper, I trust that through the Spirit it will become habitual. White came in, and continued with me at tea, and in a walk till past nine. In the interval of a few minutes of his absence, I prayed for my self, and particularly for him, that I might be able to lay be fore him motives for a more entire resignation of himself; but the conversation afterwards, whether through my fault or not I cannot say, but certainly against my will, was upon something else. Read Ezek. iii. and xxxiii. with awful convictions of the importance of the ministry.
JUNE 7. Breakfasted with, who said many strong
things against my sermons, which pained my mind all the day. In the evening, my heart ascended to God, and I recovered considerable peace. Passed the rest of the evening at Mr. Simeon’s with - -; he contrived to say many things to us both for our good; to me, by making some remarks on a person who, he said, lashed the subjects of censure in his sermons with undue severity, forgetting that he himself was equally weak; his remarks, he said, were too broad and without a due mixture of light and shade, and seemed to manifest a lamentable ignorance of his own heart.
JUNE 9. In my walk my mind was wandering, but I fled instantly to God, and prayed for purification and strength. Supped at D’s, and our evening passed in a happy spiritual manner; we discoursed upon the character of Mr. Fletcher. I felt animated for a time to be such an one, and what was it but slothfulness, and unbelief, and self-indulgence, that suffered these desires to decline, or that keeps me from attaining their heights of holiness?
JUNE 10. (Sunday.) On my ride to Lolworth, my mind was rather dark, and terrified, and absent from God, yet I succeeded at times in encouraging myself with the assurance, that if but one word of scripture suited me, it was sufficient for me to rest upon. At church, when the first psalm was sung before the sermon, I found my heart riveted in the most enrapturing sweetness, while it silently professed to God its desires of holiness. How vain, how contemptible, did every sensual joy appear at the moment! During my walk home from church, though it was but a few minutes, mv pride and vanity found employment. But though unconscious of anything practically wrong at the time, when I came home I began to be provoked at myself for thus destroying my own happiness, and grieving the Holy Spirit. Directly after, having occasion to go across the court, the same detestable passions led me into a series of thoughts which had continued for some time before I was aware of it. These are sad proofs of the desperate wickedness of the heart, “Oh wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death!” These words just express my feelings. I am thankful that God has not given me any one talent more than he has; for, humanly speaking, they would endanger my soul. Now, would to God I were quite dead to the world. It will be heaven indeed to me, when self is entirely lost. I had rather be a slave to another in a case where I could be purely disinterested, than submit to this most loathsome vassalage to my own self.
JUNE 11. After my morning prayer, my heart enjoyed a calm and blessed temper, but it gradually declined by my forgetting to watch over myself in conversation with others. Rode with Mr. Simeon: he was talking chiefly of my going to India. The rest of the day at Shelford, my mind was at peace, though for want of retirement I enjoyed no sensible communion with God. In reading at night Levit. x. and Brown’s Reflections, I was deeply affected, and had many momentary glances of holy thoughts and resolutions, but my mind had been so taken up with earthly objects this day, that I had no power to fix them on heavenly things. Oh, how is it possible that a sinner liable to be hurried in a moment to the tribunal of God could ever walk so carelessly!
JUNE 12. I was grieved to find that all the exertions of prayer were necessary against worldly-mindedness, so soon had the prospect of the means of competent support in India filled my heart with concern about earthly happiness; but I strove earnestly against them, and prayed for grace that if it should please God to try my faith by calling me to a post of opulence, I might not dare to use for myself what is truly his. Nevertheless, this change in my circumstances so troubled me, that I could have been infinitely better pleased to have gone out as a missionary, poor as the Lord and his
apostles. I had a long conversation with Mr., in which
he seemed at first to complain rather severely, that I said nothing for the comfort of the saints: told me that I knew nothing as yet of my own heart, and many other things to the same purpose, with proper modesty; but clearly enough for me to perceive his drift. I left him rather humbled, conscious of my shallowness; my mind estranged from di vine things through long discontinuance of private prayer.
I had promised to walk with, which was perfectly
hateful to me at this time, when I had such need of being alone with God. I have declined so sensibly these last two or three days, that I design to devote to-morrow to fasting and prayer, and may it please God to make it the means of quickening me again. My heart already rejoices at the prospect of the increase of spirituality. Read two or three first chapters of Jeremiah at night, with some impressions.
JUNE 13. Before breakfast I continued about an hour and a half in a prayer of humiliation. The rest of the day, after church, was passed in reading and prayer, and latterly in writing a sermon for next Sunday. My heart was engaged sweetly but at one time, and that was in the work of intercession. Met with Mr. C — , with whom I was obliged to walk. He thought it a most improper step for me to leave the University to preach to the ignorant heathen, which any person could do, and that I ought rather to use the opportunity of acquiring human learning. My heart was a little discomposed this evening at the account of the late mao-nificent prizes proposed by Mr. Buchanan and others, in the University, fur which Mr. C. has been desiring me to write; but I was soon at rest again. But how easily do I forget that God is no respecter of persons; that in the midst of the notice I attract as an enthusiast, he judges of me according to my inward state. Oh! my soul, take no pleasure in outward religion, nor in exciting wonder, but in the true circumcision of the heart.
JUNE 14. Called out directly after breakfast, and then great part of the morning was lost about nothing. On my return I was verging to discontent and unwillingness to write a sermon; but changed to a most admiring and elevated joy at the thought of being a minister of the most high God, called to proclaim the dignity and excellency of Jesus Christ.
JUNE 1G. Maintained a right spirit of peace and love through the early part of the morning. told me of many contemptuous and insulting things which had been said of me, reflecting, some on my understanding, some on my condition, sincerity, and inconsistent conduct. It was a great trial of my patience, and I was frequently tempted, in the course of the evening, to let my natural spirit rage forth in indignation and revenge; but I remembered Him of whom it was said, “Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again, but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously.” My soul, alas, needs these uneasinesses in outward things, to be driven to take refuge in God.
JUNE 17. (Sunday.) At church, in the service enjoyed much peace. Preached on 1 Tim. i. 15, to a full congregation. I hope some were affected, though, when I reflect upon the indifference of ray heart, I have need to fear, lest no soul should ever be given to me. Mr. Simeon’s sermon on Jeremiah xxxi. 8, 9, made me desire to be alone with God. In prayer at night I seem to be awakened from a long sleep; alas, I have had a name to live, and have been dead. Not having stirred up myself to take hold of God, I have become unconscious of the burden of corruption; and the consequence is, that pride has spread over ray whole heart, and swallowed up my whole spirit. “When I began to perceive it through mercy this evening, and attempted to be humbled before God, I found it utterly impossible. I could only say before him, that I had no power of myself to think a good thought, and so I found it then. Every desire after grace, and help, and strength against corruption, was itself full of corruption. One thing was particularly offensive to me. How experimental a Christian, thought I, shall I be in my sermons, when I come to describe the feelings and workings of my mind this evening! Wretched, wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this never-ceasing self-complacency, this accursed pride! 0 may the Spirit always make me groan under this burden, and bring to my first remembrance in the morning the corruption of my heart, and teach me the way of obtaining suitable humiliation!
JUNE 18. In my walk, for the most part I was very unhappy. I was willing to take my heart into exercise, and begin a thorough work of humiliation and conviction; but it appeared closed up on all sides, every avenue to it seemed to be hid in darkness and confusion. However, before I returned home, I found peace returning, upon the consideration, that my duty was to be diligent in secret exercises, and God himself would teach me. In the afternoon read “Ten ant’s India,” and foresaw that my future life in that country would be outwardly odious to the last degree. But in the face of every difficulty I could truly say, “None of these things move me.” The rest of the evening passed rather unprofitably, by my looking at several chapters for exposition, without settling: yet my mind seemed to be blest from above; I passed an hour in prayer at one time with much delight, especially in the work of intercession.
JUNE 19. Rode to Shelford to dinner; on the road at first I was far from God; but my heart revived afterwards, so that I found him my chief joy, and depended on him for making me walk becomingly.
Jr.li: 21. In my walk, my mind was not at peace. Alas, my faith fails every day. I cannot trust God for strengthening me and guiding me. Had some comfort in prayer after wards at home. How encouraging is it to further exertion, that the Lord sends a blessing to the least degree of diligence! At church, Mr. Simeon preached on John iv. 34. The text struck me exceedingly, and so did his first division, which showed our Lord’s fervent affection, unwearied diligence, and undaunted resolution in doing his work. My soul was stirred up within me to follow his steps, and to devote myself thus entirely to his service, as I did not believe I had ever truly done. I almost trembled to promise or vow be fore God, that I would be his forever; yet I gave up myself in prayer to be his servant and the follower of Jesus Christ. My desires are at present very strong for a conformity to Christ, not so much from a sense of the beauty of holiness, as from the hope of glory, and esteem of the superlative excellence of such a life. Yet my heart sinks within me at the prospect of the terrible opposition I shall have to encounter from the world, from the flesh, and from the devil; from the two former especially. 0 God, do thou strengthen me, that my faith fail not, that I may not be discouraged till I have said, “It is finished.”
JUNE 22. Retained all this day the impression of yesterday, and considered myself as bound by promise and by the convictions of yesterday, to be as one wholly devoted to God.
Passed the rest of the morning, hoping by meditation and prayer to have my mind made spiritual, and prepared for usefulness in the ministry, but gained little access to God, from being much under the influence of a self-dependent spirit. Yet I continued in supplication, in the assurance that in his good time I should find a blessing. Rode in the afternoon to Boxworth, and was rather about to be with God than with him.
JUNE 23. A little before prayer at noon I was trifling, and in the exercise found myself praying in unbelief, with no sense of God’s majesty, nor any awful sense of offending him. In some alarm I cried for help and mercy, and in great pain and difficulty stirred up my heart to make a few petitions in earnest. One section of Psalm cxix. I found very suitable. I was grieved at my waste of time, and want of communion with God, and general unprofitableness; but found a humbling effect produced by the inquiry into my own mind. Teach me, 0 Lord, the way of thy statutes, and I shall keep it unto the end. May I walk humbly through life, the faith ful servant and minister of Christ!
JUNE 24. At times during the service, had a joyful sense of the divine presence; but as it was chiefly during the hymns, I think these affections suspicious. Let me feel the same sweet heart-burning emotions in the midst of a desert, and I shall then attribute them to the Spirit. Several marks of love and esteem shown me by persons I respect, raised my animal spirits to a great height, while in the mean time my heart was proportionably grieved. Oh how far preferable is one taste of the sweet frame of love to all this crackling of thorns under a pot! I desire something of which I have but a distant glimmering, often disapproving of a life of true piety: when shall I live forgetful of the world, with all my thoughts, motives, pleasures, &c., centering in God?
JUNE 25. Was still anxious after dcadncss to the world, and love to God, both for the sake of my own comfort, and that I might be better qualified to iro through the service.
O O
So many base and bye ends are there even in my desires after holiness! Went to - - to tea, where I hoped to be as one belonging to another world, but self-seeking and pride showed too plainly that I belonged to this. Took the last chapter of Daniel, and had too great freedom of speech for my seriousness and peace. I not only was vain, but, what is more, I think that I showed my vanity. Wandered into the walks in great dejection, when I met with that man of God, Mr. Lloyd, lie presently began on the subject of pride, and other evils, indwelling in our corrupted hearts, on all which I could talk justly from experience, and was of course pleased with my own penetration, and with beinoable to converse with so confirmed a Christian; but knowinois nothing; “to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not.” Let me but ply heart-work in secret, let me but walk alone in communion with God, and I shall surely be able to offer him sacrifices more pure, though from the experience of others I am taught to expect never to escape from corruption, till I leave the body; my only fear is, lest I should rest satisfied with having discovered my own corruption, without laboring to overcome it. But God who hast sent me light to see these things, will quicken the paralyzed powers of my soul, and help me to throw off the poison of my heart.
JUNE 26. What a relief it is to my burdened soul, to depart in spirit from this scene of vanity and error, to repose with God! Rose extremely careless of my thoughts, but in prayer had the same desires as for the last three or four days.
In my walk enjoyed great peacefulness. I am far more satisfied than I ever was, — now that I see the corruption of my heart more, and the provision made for its renovation by the Spirit, — in the great plan of Christ’s redemption. “The law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus, hath made me free,” &c.; and the whole of the first part of Rom. vii. appeared to me to refer to sanctification. Went to the hospital, and read John iv. and at seven to the society of young men, and expounded the same chapter as last night, but with great dulness I suppose, for one of them was set fast asleep. This little event had a blessed effect on my spirit in prayer, as my heart was humbled by it. * Any little
marks of the contempt of men are the most wholesome diet I can use. The praises of men do not puff me up proportionably, because I am used to them; but to be despised of men is not a customary thing with me, and affects me very deeply. My pride is sensibly wounded, and I think less of myself. What may be the design of God in thus lowering me in the opinion of those who hear me, and so apparently diminishing my usefulness in the ministry, I am at a loss to conceive. Perhaps he is teaching me the horrible nature of the least sin, or is Aveaning my heart from finding comfort in any thing but him, since even his own people are turned against me; or is preparing my faith for future trials, or is teaching me prudence, that I may learn by bitter experience how to behave myself in the Church of God; or perhaps all these. If it be for sin, my heart shall acknowledge that it is a slight chastisement, compared with the just punishment of it. If it be to teach me better things, I will bless the Lord. But enough of worldly things. “O that I had wings like a dove! for then would I flee away and be at rest. Lo then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.” Thus my imagination takes to itself wings, and flies to some wilderness, where I may hold converse in solitude with God: “The word forgetting-, by the world forgot.”
JUNE 27. Read Persian, and made some calculations in Trigonometry, in order to be familiar with the use of Logarithms. But my mind by giddy levity with a friend was grieved and injured. I retired into the fields to regain reflection, and could say I came not hither by constraint but choice. 0 what would have been the misery of my mind by this time, had I not known God! Even in much earlier youth, when far more was to be expected from the world, 1 looked round in distress, saying, Who will show me any good? I should now probably have been living in the full indulgence of carnal lusts, and be laboring after the largest possible acquisition of human glory, either in military life, though my frame be feeble, or by learning. Consequently I should now be tortured by remorse and guilt, and my temper would be embittered by disappointment and envy; yet the lusts of the flesh, the lusts of the eye, and the pride of life, engage more of my thoughts than I should conceive possible in one who really finds happiness only in that proportion in which he sees himself a stranger and a pilgrim on the earth.
JUNE 28. Was interrupted in prayer this morning in consequence of rising late. Was about a sermon till church time. During service I felt great fear at times, though I said to myself, what means this anxiety? Am I not ashamed to speak in the presence of Jehovah? and shall I be confounded before a few poor mortals? In the pulpit I was free from all fear, and delivered my sermon on the blessed subject, 1 Tim. i. 15, with animation and ease, and with more inward delight than I ever before felt in the pulpit. But there was a great deal of pride and vanity in my heart all the rest of the evening.
JUNE 29. Alas! my soul is becoming dead again, though it hath a name to live; so short, so distant am I in prayer. In the morning I thought I had obtained the possession of a heavenly temper; but very soon an occasion, the slightest possible, showed me that I was proud, impatient, and peevish. The morning was taken up by walking with others, by which I was left empty and unhappy. At dinner I lifted up my heart with some success, and in prayer in my rooms after wards. Went to the hospital with a good look out after my own heart, lest it should rove in pursuit of earthly concerns.
I) continued with me all the evening, so that not a
single thing has been done this day in private.
JUNE 30. Some friends breakfasted with me this morning, and I hoped by my prayer beforehand that I should have been able in my conversation to stir them up; but I failed, partly through their fault, but chiefly through my own. How little heavenly-mindedness is there amongst us! Sought to be cheerful, sometimes from the prospect of going home, sometimes from the consideration of all the subjects of hope. But finding these unable to cheer me, I inquired what was my real good? the answer I ought to make is “the enjoyment of God;” but not beino- able to conceive this at the time, I rather supposed that the perfection of our natures in holiness was the chief blessing. Remembering the blessed peace I had often enjoyed in humiliation and love, my mind brightened again with these holy tempers, and foresaw fullness of bliss in the blessed exercise of them among the creatures of God to all eternity. Found the poor man at Lolworth near death. I continued two hours without affecting him. When I asked him if I should pray with him, “If I liked it,” he said. I then inquired why he was not earnest that I should. He said he did not know that it would do him much good. I expostulated with him, and went to prayer, after which he seemed melted. I rode home in somewhat of peace, though pride was at work.