October 1804 – December 1804
Oct 2. My mind was seriously turned towards God, some what in a spirit of calm devotion, this morning. Read Thomas a Kempis, and a few hymns, with some sweetness of soul. Engaged all the rest of the morning by Gilchrist’s
Tlindoostanee Dictionary. Walked with A, but from
having no prayer, nor reading, nor religious thought, I was very little disposed for edifying conversation. The loss of time made me also rather petulant. In my walk afterwards alone, having no Bible, I endeavored to repeat to myself the Epistle to the Ephesians, which brought me nearer to God, and kept me from darkness and peevishness.
Read some missionary accounts, and felt my heart expanded with love, and gratitude, and praise, for what God is doing. Oh that it may please my God in his mercy, to send me forth into this vineyard. I could almost say it is my supreme and fervent desire, that God may be glorified, were it not that my slowness to labor in my present post seems to offer a plain contradiction to this. Oh that the Spirit would kindle a holy zeal within me, and give me the victory over the world and the flesh! for it is to spare this, that the devil tempts me to neglect the work of God. Oh that my eyes were opened, that I might see the heavens, and Jesus stand ing at the right hand of God!
OCT. 3. Went out, designing to call at all the houses, about having the children catechized; afterwards, when I ought to have read the scriptures and prayed, I took up the Missionary accounts, and so the opportunity was lost. I went out, groaning heavily at my careless walk with God. I pray that he take not his Holy Spirit from me. Afterwards
called upon, and used every possible illustration and
argument, to convince them of sin, and lead them to Christ, but all in vain; I then prayed with them. I was much pained and humbled at reflecting, that it has never yet to my knowledge pleased God to awaken one soul by my means, either in public or private, — shame be to myself. Now, what is there wrong in my spirit? When I ask the question, my conscience may immediately reply, What is there, which is not wretchedly proud and lukewarm? but I desire nothing pleasing or honorable to myself. God forbid! but oh let me be found doing my duty!
OCT. 4. Walked out, and instead of grieving at my miserable unprofitableness, began to think of Lydia, but almost without a wish to live at home for her. With all my worthlessness, and deadness, and stupidity, I would not wish to exist, unless I hoped to live entirely for God. In the after noon, walked about with my mind harassed and hurt by many vanities. Alas, I do not live like a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, bidding farewell to this world; yet God helping me, I will be a holy man. Read the service with some humiliation, and desired to be alone to pour out my soul to God. Mr. Simeon preached on “Christ is all and in all;” it was very serious and consoling to me. If it be a true mark, to desire to be delivered from an evil nature, and to put on the new man, then I trust that I possess that. I scarcely know what time to devote to sermon-writing. I do waste a prodigious part of it in this way. I cannot but think, that if I read more of scripture, and prayed more, and was more engaged in active exertion for my parishes, I should have more spirituality and freedom in composition.
OCT. 5. This was a day I had intended for fasting and prayer, of which my soul greatly stands in need; but unforseen engagements prevented it. All that I see, and read, and think of, in the creature, though it be of a religious nature, is utterly unsatisfying. Then why do I not keep nearer to God? how is it, that everything can engage me more easily than he?
OCT. 6. Finished the Missionary accounts; and glad I am, for they have taken up my time so much this week, they have drawn me away from study, reading, and prayer. I desire thankfully to acknowledge that it is the Lord’s mercy, and 1 trust through the intercession of Christ, that I am not cut down as a cumberer of the ground.
OCT. 7. (-Sunday.) On my road home from Stapleford, it was the querulous inquiry of my heart, “Who will show me any good?” I could not but perceive the necessity of entirely disregarding all created delights, and amongst them, the communion of saints, so far as to be able to live happily in the enjoyment of God. But without tasting this enjoyment at the instant, it is very trying to faith, to resign all things else. But as a missionary, how strongly am I called upon to do this! God is indeed, I know and feel, an all-sufficient portion; but unless he is near, how melancholy is my life likely to be! for how slow is my heart to seek him, how soon tired with spiritual meditation! Found some sweetness at church, but mixed and spoiled at last, by a great deal of vanity.
OCT. 8. Morning was taken up by sermon, on which I was obliged continually to fix my steady attention; and though I got on very little, yet I was not dissatisfied, as it was not
through idleness. S gave me a letter from Mr. Brown
of Calcutta, which gave great delight on many accounts. Found great affection in prayer for my dear brethren at Calcutta, for the establishing of Christ’s kingdom among the poor Gentiles, and for my being sent among them, if it were his will. But 0 that I had zeal to labor more for the benighted people among whom I minister! Well, I trust God will hold up my hands, and help me to be that active holy minister of God, from being which I am yet so far distant. Read some of the Bengalee Grammar at night, and learnt some of the beginning of 2 Corinthians.
OCT. 9. Greatly distracted in prayer this morning. 1 manifestly wanted to be about something else, and to have done after having satisfied my conscience. But it pleased God to convince me of my wickedness, and to teach me to call upon him faithfully. Read to my bed-maker the llth of Luke; found my mind solemnized, but what little reason have I ever to be satisfied either with the matter or manner of what I say to her, or to any, on the subject of their souls! Setting to my work of writing a sermon to-night with some zeal, my heart was exceedingly enlivened at looking through time into eternity, and seeing nothing but works of love to be done.” Sweet is the work! my God, my King!
OCT. 11. Thinking my mind was in need of recreation, I took up Lord Teignmouth’s Life of Sir William Jones, and read till tea. At church my heart was softened by the precious hand of mercy.
How soon a season of humiliation is at an end, though the occasion remains! I am soon returned to self-complacency. In my walk out, did not use any restraint in my thoughts, as my mind and body were greatly fatigued with sitting up so late; though happily they did not go far from God.
OCT. 14. (Sunday.) The morning, dark and lowering, rather depressed my spirits; so easily does any outward circumstance affect me, but by faith and prayer I soon got beyond present things. Many times to-day, as on other days, I have had great difficulty in endeavoring to maintain, or pray for, the two graces of fervor and humility at the same time. I cannot be happy a moment, without some conviction of my own worthlessness; and it is for the honor of God that I should be fervent in spirit. Received a letter from - which filled me with grief and disappointment; not one word of any kind on the subject of religion. At Lolworth preached on Isaiah lxiii. 1. In prayer before and after the sermon, I enjoyed the happy presence of God, in whom I found I could be glad, though Israel was not gathered. On my ride home I was beginning to be very much dejected about passing my life in such solitary scenes, and having to do with obstinate, ignorant people. But oh, I thought, Christ is very patient in teaching me. My peace returned by this consideration; I had nothing to do with events; it was my simple business to do his will; it is in his power to convert men, and if he does not by my ministry, I may still rejoice in him. My happiness and business is private communion with God; there diligence will never be disappointed. All the rest of the evening my soul enjoyed much love and joy. Had I been more free from the world, and vanity, and self, it would have been more pure and lasting. The circumstances of public worship, sight of so many pious souls, singing with them, <kc., animate the religious affections in a manner; yet I seldom find them genuine; I am more frequently persuading myself, I am enjoying spiritual things, than really enjoying them. If at any time, as to-night at church, I can think of God, as one alone with me, I find divine pleasure to be some thing very different; that debases self, holds up wise, clear, powerful views of things, and produces serious conduct. Mr. Simeon, in his excellent sermon to-night, observed, that it was more easy for a minister to preach and study five hours, than to pray for his people one half hour; this I believe, and that it arises from unbelief. Perhaps it is to stir up my soul to the habit and spirit of prayer and supplication, that God gives me not to see the least fruit, but things rather getting worse. But I have really need first to pray for a heart to pray for them.
OCT. 15. In writing to this morning, my heart was
filled with abhorrence of that Evil Spirit, who is endeavoring to deceive her, as he does the nations; and I longed to spend and be spent, if I might be the means of demolishing his strong holds. O, when shall the kingdoms of this world be come the kingdoms of God and of his Christ! O that I might be a fellow-worker with Christ! I perceive in some degree, when darkness is a little removed from my own eyes, that the prince of the power of the air now ruleth, but Christ came to destroy him, and restore us to God and happiness; and, my soul! what hast thou to do with ease, when Christ, who came from heaven in such love, is waiting for ministers like-minded? What hast thou to do with the body, with the things of time and sense? They are not thy business; they would be in a measure, wert thou not a minister; but now thou hast nothing to do, but to stand between the dead and living. In my walk out, I could speak only in praise; the 145th Psalm was very suitable to my feelings. From dinner till supper I was employed in visiting and catechizing the children. After supper read the Bengalee letters, and before, Sir W. Jones’s Life. Lost in the course of this time almost all those views of things I had in the morning, and found myself just in my usual frame; averse to the duties of the ministry; but God in his mercy restored them in answer to ejaculatory prayer. Now I approve the things that are excellent, but my faith is weak. I tremble, lest the body should tempt me, as it always does, to consult its ease. But, Lord, help my unbelief; help me to launch boldly forth at thy command, into a life of unremitted diligence and zeal, and to believe that as my day is, so shall my strength be.
OCT. 16. Endeavored to consider Isaiah xlix., and read the other chapters following, with great delight; my heart was rather drawn out for the prosperity of Zion, but I wanted a poor and contrite spirit. Went to the Society and found Mr. Simeon; during the hymn, and reading of Psalm xxii., in which he pointed out the necessity of praise, I was in a frame of great joy, and in prayer I scarcely ever had my heart more full of praise; I could only speak in the language of praise; yet did my wicked heart pride itself on beino- in this state. Read Sir W. Jones’s Life in the evenino-; O, the misery, vanity, and folly of the best of a worldly man’s life! in all his plans of study, which should embrace every subject of human attention, religion bears no place; they seem to fancy religion and virtue to be the same thing; they abstain from a few vices, and say a few prayers, in the same spirit that a child repeats its lesson to a school master; fearing his punishment, or expecting his reward. Oh, ye philosophers, poets and scholars, whither are ye gone? What avails it, that you lived on that human praise you so greatly desired? Let me with wonder adore the mercy of God, in giving me to see the folly and misery of a life devoted to the most diligent studies. May I never again
be taken in the snare! I low mean does appear in my
view compared with Brainerd!
OCT. 17. After dinner walked to Lol worth; went to Smith’s house. We sang a hymn, and I then explained .the parable of the barren fig-tree. In the midst of the prayer, a man fell down, and was carried out, and our meeting ended; the man was young and of a dull disposition, and never had a fit of any kind before, and the room was by no means warm; I did not much like the event, instantly recollecting the Methodist accounts. I took care to say nothing to him about religion, lest I should give countenance to what
I foresee will be said of this. Mr. C told me that my
preaching would not do at all for this place. This much dejected me all the rest of the evening, because I was told of my faults, and did not like to find I was so little esteemed by my hearers; yet I am bound to bless the Lord for every additional ray of truth that he sends me.
OCT. 18. 0 the vanity and unprofitableness of the day, in which there is no exercise of heavenly-mindedness! What signifies everything that happens outwardly, if I am not familiar with the things which lie between God and my own soul? At church had a longing desire for the coming of Christ’s kingdom, and asked myself, how is it possible I have not striven in prayer for the manifestation of his glory among all men? I resolved, if nothing prevents, to appropropriate some hours to-morrow to special prayer and meditation.
OCT. 19. From one to five, I was engaged, according to my intention, in prayer and reading; for the first hour I was tolerably fixed in prayer, chiefly in humiliation«<ind intercession. For my dear sister, I wrestled with more earnestness than I have yet done for any one; but yet I have reason to be astonished and grieved at the insensibility of my heart. The rest of the time passed in learning the Epistle to the Hebrews, and praying for the church. My soul enjoyed much seriousness at times, but there was much wandering and coldness upon me. In reading the last chapter of Revelations, and in prayer, I was filled with love and joy, so much that I was very unwilling to leave off.
OCT. 20. The carnal spirit, this morning, was subdued by prayer. In the afternoon, finished Sir W. Jones’s Life. My mind was much impressed by some things in it of the grandeur of God, so that when I kneeled in prayer, my soul was filled with veneration.
OCT. 21. (Sunday.) Rose late, and stupid through lying too long in bed; I could not but abhor myself for the loss of such precious time, when I might have been early interceding for souls, and preparing my own spirit for the service of the day; the bitter reflection on my unprofitableness much dejected me. Had an hour to myself before evening church, in which my soul got comfort from prayer and reading hymns. I looked up to Christ for grace to enable me to live independent of those delightful ordinances I was about to partake of, and to be ready at his command to be sent out to some dark place, to teach one poor creature, and to wander in a dreary desert. In endeavoring to feel how good it was to be thus the servant of my Lord, I found fellowship with him; there was not much joy, but 1 was fully assured of the reality of the communion. I felt the utmost dread and abhorrence of any sin, while he, my friend and master, was thus looking upon me. At church I enjoyed the presence of Christ. * * * OCT. 23. Having no particular ministration, I expected much reading and profit. But very soon my perverse will was contradicted by conscience. I wanted to be at one study, when duty called me to another. Very unwillingly left the Bengalee and Milner’s Church History, for writing sermon. Walked out, fretting with what I called the great folly of mankind. In the midst of my misery, I tried to think of Jesus, how he miffht have scorned the ignorance of men, how
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his patience might have been wearied out with me. But it was not till I learnt some of Psalm cxix. that I could return to a proper spirit. On my return home, being utterly averse to any exertion of mind, which seemed jaded, I fell upon my knees before God, and found my spirit revive a little. Yet I found it necessarv to read Bengalee, as requiring less thought. I continued afterwards, to a very late hour, thinking and writing on a subject. Thomas a-Kempis says, ‘We ought to praise God for seasons of darkness;’ but so clearly has my own wicked heart been the cause of this day’s unhappiness, that I have nothing to do but humble myself.
OCT. 25. Passed the time till my pupils came, in writing to my sister. With them I was rather more serious, but my conversation was by no means “in meekness of wisdom.” Walked out, and tasted at times great joy and peace, in the presence of God; but at last found that humiliation was more suitable to my state, and in this temper I enjoyed much true happiness. Some friends with me in the afternoon; but I was careless, and so the time passed unprofitably. My spirit groaned in prayer afterwards at my constant unprofitableness, and I went to church reflecting on my worthlessness and corruption. How unworthy am I to be found among God’s people!
OCT. 26. It is a trouble with me, every hour of everyday, to get my thoughts to God. Scarcely ever is my mind, at rising, meekly devout. Commenced my work of writing, in the fear of God, and the humbling sense of my own utter unfruitfulness, but advanced very little. Having occasion to conult Jonathan Edwards on Redemption, I was much arrested by the conclusion of it. — 0 eternity! how real. My soul trembled, lest amid the glory of the last day, I should be found unworthy of partaking in it; and but for Christ, what should I do?
OCT. 27. Rose early, learnt some scripture, and walked.
In my walk met T, with whom I thought it right not
to be pressing on the subject of religion. At night, in prayer, Satan sent one of his fiery darts into my thoughts by means of the imagination, which almost drank up my spirit; but I cried fervently for deliverance, casting the sin upon the Devil, and myself upon the Lord, and found him come to my peace and composure.
OCT. 29. An hour and a half I passed with two sick people, one of whom, a dying man, was awakened to a sense of sin, and the other, a daughter of the Lord Almighty. With the former I was enabled to pray more fervently than the latter. In the midst of confusion, of calls of friends and worldly business, I was beginning to feel some reluctance to visit them; but very soon my soul found it good to go, as the messenger of peace, and minister to the departing spirit. In my walk had more joy than peace, too little humility and too great elation of spirits, chiefly because I was to dine at
’s, with my dear Christian friends. But indeed it was
a most unprofitable meeting for us. I blame my dear brethren, but much more myself, for not introducing spiritual thing; stheir minds seemed engaged very much in this business, but mine was free and joyful, and I ought therefore to have been forward in such conversation. I tremble for this place, lest the candlestick should be removed. Oh that the spirit of prayer and intercession may be poured out upon me, that all my own lukewarmness, and the sorrows of Zion, may be removed by a prayer-hearing God!
OCT. 30. Another day has passed, and I am nearer eternity. Oh that I could dwell in eternity, amidst the distracting avocations of time! There seems a certain strangeness in my mind to it, as if I had thought but little of another world this day. Walked out rather confused, but was soon able to think of sermon, with my mind breathing freely the air of religion; being enabled to see that the work of the ministry, and preparing for another world, were my whole business. Read a little of Bengalee, and at night some choruses of Sophocles, and Lucretius, in order to examine a pupil. It is astonishing what a snare such reading is to me; but I returned to the Bible, not unfitted for
enjoying it, as was once the case. In reading to, felt
condemned by the words, that “men should pray always, and not faint.” Christ prepared himself for the ministry, by long, and constant, and fervent prayers. So should I lose less time in endeavoring to write, if my mind were more spiritualized by prayer.
OCT. 31. At church I was guilty of great irreverence, from having been in light conversation just before, and felt the guilt of it in prayer afterwards, at which time my mind was solemnized. After dinner, and a short prayer, I went forth with satisfaction and pleasure, to the work of visiting the sick. In my rooms afterwards, I found my mind spiritually alive to God, though amid much struggling of sinful temper, of which hateful sin may the Lord make me ashamed! I have more occasion to strive against it in secret, than before men. It is seldom I can enjoy a meek spirit.
NOVEMBER 1. My heart towards God at rising, and in a short walk had a watchful sense of divine presence after prayer. With pupils, not at all guarded enough yet. I walked out in this temper, and though, besides this, I was assaulted with evil thoughts, yet in all my misery and sin, I simply cast myself into the fountain of Christ’s blood, and found peace. To bring my mind to sobriety and deadness to the world, I repeated Isaiah liii. with much effect. At church at nio-ht my soul was touched with devotion. How
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precious was the presence of God, after so much intercourse with his creatures! Mr. S. told me, that if I were on the Bengal establishment, my salary would be £J200 a year. I told Farish, that I remembered his words, that I should be in danger of worldly-mindedness. At present I feel no desire after the riches of the world.
Nov. 2. Labored in prayer this morning for a right spirit of seriousness without pride, and was enabled to sit down to my work with a watchful sense of God’s presence. With my pupils rather better, but by no means sufficiently self-governing. In my walk I felt scarcely the least wish for a settlement in this world, and I found that I could decide between marriage and celibacy with simple reference to God’s glory and my general usefulness. In the afternoon enjoyed solemn thoughts in prayer, and visited one poor penitent soul, with whom I had prayed the day before yesterday. The desires she expressed amidst her tears were, that God would change her heart, and forgive her, and take her to his mercy. If it was his will, she wished to leave this world. But what if she should live? — I asked her. She said, she could not say she should never sin, as she was constantly liable; but rather than turn to her former ways she would be cut in pieces. I was much affected with pity, and preached the gospel grace with much delight to her. In my rooms, read for the evening class, and prayed with my heart full of awful thoughts.
Nov. 3. After the usual business of the evening, I walked in the fellows’ garden, thinking on sermon, with great fervor of spirit, though with much pride and want of love. After dinner, 1 prayed earnestly, and continued writing sermon till late at night, in general enjoying God’s presence, and looking up to him, to correct my spirit, that I might be meek and tender, ar.d might write with seriousness, not to please men but God. It was a very long study, but a pleasant one: I left off satisfied and peaceful, at thinking that the happiness of life consisted in communion with God, of which none could deprive me; and happy also and peaceful, at the prospect of death, as not far off. I sometimes tremble at not having suffered more for Christ; but I trust 1 am ready to undergo it all.
Nov. 4. Endeavored to recall my mind from its usual wanderings, by looking to God, to prepare me for morning prayer, in which I found myself solemnly impressed; but during a short walk, pride gathered a cloud over my peace, but it was somewhat brought down again. Rode to Lol worth and preached there, on Acts xvi. 29 — 31, but the people were inattentive. I was in consequence much dejected on my road home, and afterwards; but by simply looking up as a sinner to God, I found an awful seriousness about souls; and at church, in the evening, in preaching the same sermon, I found by the attention of the people, that the fervor of my spirit yesterday had been conveyed into the sermon. I came to my rooms, not, as usual, flurried, but rejoicing to be alone, and to hold communion with God. Truly God is good to me!
Nov. 5. A day in which I have suffered much painful temptation, and have lost much precious time. My heart was puffed up by thinking of my sermon yesterday; and 1 found the utmost difficulty to get it out of my mind. Read and finished the Bengalee grammar to-day. I was very unwilling to take up the Bible to learn my portion of scripture, while engaged in the grammar; but after some hesitation, conscience did so far prevail. But I had not time to gain
true views of things by prayer, before came, and praised
my sermon in most extravagant terms. I was tried by the most contemptible vanity, yet felt myself a miserable creature; a thousand times rather would I have had all my most disgraceful sins published to my shame. Yet after prayer, in which I could appeal to God, that I had not sought my own glory in writing or preaching it, I walked out in peace. The passage, “and they shall look upon him whom they have pierced,” &c., was very useful to bring me to a right spirit. At tea-time, I was taking up some book pleasing and amusing, but conscience reminded me, of giving every moment which I did not need for recreation, to the word of God. Thus I found it very refreshing and pleasant. Oh, blessed word of God! my delight would be in the law of the Lord, if I meditated in it day and night.
Nov. 6. By long and diligent prayer, I obtained some sense of God’s presence. Wrote a little sermon; but for three hours got on so little, that I was exceedingly dejected with my unprofitableness: but found some relief in prayer. My heart has been generally overwhelmed to-day; but Jesus is very precious to me, who “came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.”
Nov. 7. This morning, read one thing and then another, eager to get some increase of knowledge: but at last fixed on the Hebrew Bible, and read a little of the beginning of Isaiah, and in the meantime was rather watchful over my spirit. At church, my mind, in the midst of prayer, was seized with repeated approaches to levity. Oh what a mercy that I was not struck dead! With my pupil
I was calm, patient throughout, looking to Christ as my example. In my walk, the character of Christ on earth took up all my thoughts, and I felt the power of his example. My mind was serious and sorrowful, and I hoped I should hereafter walk as he walked. During the afternoon, though tempted to vanity and levity, I was helped still to set the Lord before me, and found it of rich and unspeakable advantage to me in my intercourse with others. I recollected that I had said something sarcastic at table, tending to wound
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the mind of one, and was grieved at considering how unlike it was to him. Drank tea with Mr. and Mrs. B., and when I was vermin to an irreligious frame of mind and mode of
O O O
conversation, the Spirit again brought Christ to my remembrance, and made me earnestly desirous to be like him, in nil holy, humble, spiritual and edifying conversation. All the rest of the evening I was employed, if it might be called employment, in thinking of the subject, “Ye are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets,” etc., with such dulness that I was quite dejected. Indeed I am a poor ignorant wretch, and what to do I hardly know. My constant uselessness in God’s creation, and perfect unprofitableness, overwhelm my soul. And God’s forbearance and Christ’s tender love are very, very precious to me. How happy shall I be, in the eternal world, when self, and all its pride, and sin, and wretchedness, shall be forgotten, and God alone have all praise! Amen, so be it.
Nov. 8. In morning prayer, felt a most ardent desire to be out of doors among the sick. So after writing a letter, I went out and continued till eleven. One man and his wife, I was almost willing to believe, had become true converts. At one house I met with a poor sinful woman with whom I mildly reasoned, as thinking she had been roughly addressed in general; but I could get no answer, for she was ashamed to hold up her head.
Had some happy meditations in the evening in my room, on the favor of God to my soul, and the approach of death, and eternity, and was earnest in prayer; and was still chiefly engaged in desiring to set the Lord always before me, that I
mio-ht be zealous for souls as he was.
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Nov. 9. Prayed earnestly over 1 Peter, particularly “the end of all things is at hand, be ye therefore sober.” It is this injunction I want above all things, to practise to be sober and serious, to have uncompromising sincerity.
Nov. 10. Felt resentment at Mr. S., and found it very difficult to regain a right spirit in prayer. But at length I felt patient and forgiving. In the afternoon, by delaying too lono- to begin prayer, when my soul w:as disposed to it, I lost the opportunity, by others coming in: my behavior was thoughtless, to my sore vexation and grief afterwards. When shall I be delivered from this detestable levity and inconsistency! A letter from my sister to-day was very affecting to me. 0 that it would please God to reveal Christ to her! At night, I seemed to enjoy my subject, which was, the gradual growth of God’s church.
Nov. 11. (Sunday.) Was earnest this morning in prayer, as I generally have been of late, on the morning of the Sabbath, through the mercy of God answering the prayer of his people. Till church, I was again taken up in writing my sermon. My natural spirits were high at church, and I afterwards rode to Stapleford, in a joyous sort of spirit, but with no true religion in exercise. Rode home sorrowful at having prenclicd with no more life and zest, and also at finding myself incessantly tempted. As soon as I came home, I continued some time in prayer; it was, I trust, an act of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. My evil heart, so full of sin, was causing me to depart from God, and to wait till 1 had a better frame; but by immediate application for pardon and grace, my soul was restored. Afterwards, for an hour be fore church, divine things were awfully presented to my mind, and my heart was earnest towards God. The world was gone, my thoughts were all swallowed up in the ever-blessed God. 0 how swiftly does my soul advance in holiness at such seasons! Read something of Watts, hoping to get some thoughts of eternal things, but found it unsatisfying. Then I asked, why do not I consult the fountain of truth? so I read the Psalms, with a bright light shining upon them. At church at night, rather declined in spirituality. Went into hall, with a holy determination to seize any opportunity of warning others of their danger. Why is not my soul more serious? I see such strong occasions for it, from without and within, that I groan at not being able to maintain a steady sobriety and tenderness. May the Lord be pleased to fix this in my mind, that I am in the midst of dying souls, who are thronging to hell! How cruel! IIOAV impious to let a brother perish for want of warning! All my unhappiness is, that I should so soon become carnal. May God write Heaven, Hell, Death, and Eternity, upon every object I see.
Nov. 12. Felt much guilt this morning, but rose from prayer in a serious, humbled spirit. The thought of ever having been the means of making a fellow-creature miserable, one formed for the glory of God, both in body and soul, sunk down my spirit with shame and terror to the dust.
Nov. 13. God and eternal things are my only pleasure; but my faith is exceedingly weak. At breakfast this morning, I found a happy and tranquil enjoyment of divine meditation. After dinner, a party of religious friends were with me, I prayed repeatedly before, and during the time, that I might be like Christ, and that the conversation might be such as becometh saints. It was tolerably well, not idle, yet nothing in the way of affection and feeling; and for myself, though my views of propriety of conduct were clear, and my heart felt the importance of eternal things, I was very often subject to vanity and levity. Read some of the
word of God seriously. S told me this evening that he
thought there was scarcely the least probability of my going for a year to come. This, with other little sources of vexation, made me very unhappy for a time. But made a sudden effort to take all these things quietly, considering that these are the very seasons to exercise faith.
Nov. 14. Morning employed in finishing sermon on Ephes. ii. 19 — 21. No particular enjoyment of divine things, except in reading some of the Scriptures at breakfast, and afterwards in my walk, when for a little my soul was able to speak to Christ, as to one near. In the evening I began to grow very averse to all spiritual reading and thoughts; but I simply asked, what is it right I should do? and I began a sermon, and wrote, by consulting Hopkins, with freedom all the rest of the evening.
Nov. 15. Corruption always begins the day, and is before hand with grace; but morning prayer never fails to set my mind in a right frame. Read the Acts this morning with great delight. I love to dwell in sacred scenes, other than those which pass before me, and especially those in which the men of God are concerned.
Nov. 16. My soul seems to be enjoying rest: no trials, but yet no particular engagement; — let me beware of a calm. Prayer in the morning changed as usual my whole mind.
Read Hopkins on the first and fourth commandments, and Brown’s Reflections on the latter chapters of Joshua, with much pleasure, and more ease of ideas; but my heart was not spiritual; and when I left off, I thought with great regret of the poor dying soul of a woman I had intended to visit. But it is a happiness to my soul, that I love all the work of God. I have no damping doubts as formerly; it seems indifferent to me, in what I am employed, so it be for my God and Lord.
Nov. 17. Had determined to devote this day to fasting and prayer, which I very much need. Had a peaceful mind iii ilit morning, and in a walk before breakfast, great delight in God, and in prospect of being with him this day; I continued about two hours in prayer, with tolerable steadiness, solemnity, and seriousness, and with less distraction than I have almost ever known. I began with laboring after a broken heart, but stayed so long at it in vain, that I was obliged to proceed to other subjects, which were, chiefly, intercession for the college, nation, my two sisters, and my brethren in the ministry. Afterwards I read some Scripture and went to chapel, and from that time till supper was visiting the sick. At supper and after supper, I let slip a most excellent opportunity of speaking on an important subject, from mere heedlessness and want of thought; which so galled me when I came to my Toom, that I was quite unhappy.
Nov. 18. (Sunday.) The morning of this Sabbath was less happy to me than any I have had for a long time, and it is just the one in which I expected to have enjoyment undistracted, as having no unfinished sermon to oppress me. In a state of absence from God, I went to prayer, as knowing it was of no use to try to restore my own soul: so with all my misery and iniquity I cast myself upon God, and found the return of peace, and the time passed in general happily, in reading and praying till church, where during some parts of the service I spoke as to God, though at others was miserably distracted. I learnt that Mr. Grant had no doubt of getting me nominated, but that he would let me know positively, about the latter end of December. I rejoiced greatly at the prospect of a speedy departure, feeling, I thought, joy and delight at the gathering in of the Gentile souls. Yet I reasonably suspected myself. The change of scene and sight of countries, certainly, are agreeable to me; but as far as I can see, they would not induce me to resign my ease and my life: no, I believe that I lay down these, in obedience and conformity to Christ, and from love to him and his elect; and had I ten thousand lives, my calm judgment, unruffled by dangers, testifies, that they ought all to be spent for Christ. But when the trying hour comes, how shall I feel? Yet I have that promise, “As thy day, so shall thy strength be,” drc. Enjoyed great happiness and the joys of heaven, most of the rest of the evening, though not without distraction. In hall at supper found an opportunity of declaring, very plainly, the necessity of intending to keep all God’s commandments, in order to the being in an upright and safe state. No answer was made me.
Nov. 19. Read the 6th commandment in Hopkins, and began sermon on it. Walked a little, not distressed by corrupted temper, but yet vain in my thoughts, for want of communion with God. Passed some time in prayer with much seriousness, yet I could not feel that powerful constraining influence to holiness of temper which the Lord at times vouchsafes.
Nov. 20. Was not left to myself till after dinner, when the Lord delivered me from a temper of levity, and sloth, and earthly-mindedness, by bringing to my mind the example of Christ, always serving God spiritually, and those words of his, “What! could ye not watch with me one hour?” So I read Isaiah liii. and 1st Epistle of Peter, with a mind delivered for a while from present things, but from delaying prayer too long was interrupted. Is this serving God with reverence and godly fear? My heart was not in visible disorder, but it is not the spiritual life that Brainerd led.
Nov. 21. After dinner, I lost unexpectedly a season of reading and communion with God. I hastened to my rooms, groaning over my unprofitableness, and impatient to be employed; went to Professor Parish’s after praying that our conversation might not be so unprofitable. It was much better than usual; but alas, my own corrupted heart wan dered in vanity and folly. How awful to reflect that our Maker was among us, and beheld our eyes and hearts! how fearful the sinfulness of every day!
Nov. 22. Rose in painful sense of my unprofitableness; but this conviction led me to God, and away from the world. In prayer, and in the morning reading of the Acts, found my heart serious and tender. In my walk out, my soul held communion with Jesus Christ, and received the consolations of the Holy Ghost, which I felt constrained to pray for. “The love of Christ constraineth us,” was a text much on my mind. Why did not this holy, heavenly frame continue? but alas! it was very short-lived. After dinner I Bat meditating for an hour on the past events of my life; but was afterwards engaged till church, by B — - and P. Mr. Simeon preached on the words, “As the Fa ther hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.” The subject was delightful to me. An hour after wards I experienced great joy and love to Christ, and with great delight af!d fervor prayed, that I might not only rejoice in him myself, (for I find in that joy a great deal of selfishness and want of solidity,) but might labor as his minister, if it was his will, among the poor Gentile nations. I longed to go, especially when I remembered, “As thy day,” &c.
Nov. 23. In my walk out, was much impressed with a sense of God’s mercy, in having made me unlike * * I observed them herding together, depending on one another’s mirth for enjoyment, while it was the very life and enjoyment of my heart, to be alone with God. It some times appeared astonishing, that men of like passions with myself, of the same bodies, of the same minds, alike in every other respect, knew and saw nothing of that blessed and adorable being in whom my soul findeth all its happiness, but were living a sort of life which to me would be worse than annihilation, at least independent of future considerations. I could rather sink into my grave, than live a life so utterly distasteful to me. But I want more deadness to the world in order to be happy. I want to feel myself always alone with my God; the opinions of men cannot really affect me; the thoughts which other men have of me, are almost as short and seldom as if I were out of the world: then why do not I walk with God, as if I were alone with him on the face of the earth? In the afternoon read D. Brainerd, and passed half an hour in prayer, in which I had at times earnest desires for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom, and that I might be sent to preach to poor heathens. Drank tea with two serious young men; my conversation was with rather less vanity than in general. In my room read Hopkins on the ninth commandment. After supper sat an hour with Sargent at the inn, who was passing on his way to be married. I rejoiced exceedingly in the portion the Lord had allotted me. While I enjoy him for my inheritance, I would not wish to be settled in the world; even with all the assemblage of blessings which S is about to possess, which is
saying a great deal. I feel no wish to live, except to be employed in that work in which Christ died.
Nov. 24. The clay passed in the usual manner, with’ pupils, in writing sermon, and in general enjoying peace. Received great pleasure in reading Blair’s Grave at tea time, and found my soul rejoicing in God, by every idea excited in me, either by the poetry, or the subject of death. In prayer my heart adored the Lord, as the author and source of all the intellectual beauty that delighted me; as the creator of all the fair scenes of creation, that employ the poet’s pen, and as the former of the mind, that can find pleasure in beauty.
Nov. 25. Rose late from having wasted a great deal of time in unnecessary sleep; in consequence of which I was o-alled with shame, and a sense of guilt the first half of the day. I had lost the presence of God, and went on in a great deal of inward misery. I had a few short and feeble views of another world, and of the advancement of the church, which on other sabbaths I have generally found myself disposed to pray for with delight; but now my wretched spirit went on stupidly in darkness. In my ride to Lol worth made a few faint efforts to get near to God, but still seemed shut out, The thought of being about to preach a sermon, which nobody would attend to, likewise dejected me. But in praying that I might live a life of solitude and prayer, the world seemed to disappear, and I found myself again with God. Preached on the third commandment; there was the utmost attention, and I felt exceedingly relieved by it. Rode home in good spirits, though not much communing with God. At church at night felt my heart quite full, at the singing of that sweet hymn, “Jesus, lover of my soul,” &c. Was greatly tired at night with peevishness, discontent, and fear of mortifying the flesh; but in prayer rose above it, and was very fervent, though not free in expression, in seeking for an entire conformity to Jesus Christ.
Nov. 26. Was mostly solemn and serious in the presence of God this morning, and the part of the 119th Psalm, which I learnt, was of blessed use. By pupils and — walking with me and catechizing the children, was not left alone till six in the evening, when my heart, which had become very earthly, was restored by prayer. The words of the sacred poet excited in me awful views of the glory of Christ. In prayer to him I was astonished to think of the wonders of his person, that the King of kings should become a man, and live, and die. Oh mercy unparalleled! Worthy is the Lamb that wras slain. Rest of the evening wrote sermon; my soul seems laboring still with the mysterious glories of religion. What shall appear to this soul when I die? What shall appear to this worm, of God’s glory, while I live?
Nov. 27. A melancholy day! the sense of my defilement and self-indulgence made me feel myself abominable. The 119th Psalm was again very solemnizing. After dinner in prayer, was a little restored to deep views of eternity, and felt my soul desiring and watching to imitate Christ, and to delight in his service. At night, after praying for God’s preserving power, I began to read the Medea. Read through Person’s Preface to the Hecuba, and made extracts. As St. Austin said of Cicero, that he did not find Christ there, so say I; heathen reading, notwithstanding all the clearness of poetry, is dull and dark, as it never kindles any devotion in my heart. At supper was grieved at the conversation, and longed to say something effectually.
Nov. 28. A disorderly morning; at intervals I tried to learn my usual portion of 119th Psalm, but lost much time and comfort by distraction; yet I determined to take up nothing of my classic studies or any other, till my heart received the Spirit from on high. In my walk, my soul rose above its vexations; many things fretted me; but as I walked I felt entirely devoted to the most painful service of
God; I felt willing to undergo the greatest hardships for Christ, and that, not from any particular exercise of love, for I was rather melancholy, but because I loved and approved the angelic work; and I longed for the afternoon to come, that I might be employed in it.
Nov. 29. The serious, tender, and happy spirit which I generally feel after morning prayer, does not continue long. The 119th Psalm had the same solemn effect as yesterday. Though the morning was chiefly taken up with the Medea and with 13, and though unprepared by prayer for conversation, by looking up to God, was enabled to speak with some inward enjoyment on the excellence of the work of the ministry. At church, in prayer, enjoyed much of the presence of God, as ever at such times, and in the hymns was tenderly affected towards Christ, though with much distraction, from the contemplation of divine things.
Nov. 30. Was filled with shame, and self-abhorrence, and sense of guilt, at having wasted time in bed, notwithstanding the dictates of conscience. Finished the 119th Psalm.