December 1804 – January 1805
Dec. 1. In the morning I hope 1 had a steady seriousness, but with pupils I found my temper irritable. In the after noon was prevented from private prayer, or visiting the sick,
by having to explain Isaac Newton to F; went to chapel
in great emptiness of mind, but after chapel, found some fervor in prayer. At night the last chapter of 1 Thessalonians had a blessed effect in quickening me to spirituality, and preparation for death, though before I was sleepy and stupid.
DEC. 2. (Sunday.) I have had great difficulty in keeping down corruption this day. In opening scripture in the morning, was at a loss what part to read for my edification, but a short petition seemed to open my eyes a little. Vlrent to church, striving to feel my unworthiness. Had very little fervor or recollectedness of mind in the church prayers, and found my self hurrying fast to extreme wretchedness, and so I simply cast myself on the Saviour’s grace, and found returning peace. At church, I had frequently seasons of sweetness, particularly at giving out the text from the beginning of Matt. xxv. The day of judgment appeared very blessed. I rejoiced at the text and sermon, as it enabled me to realize eternal things, without which I am generally unhappy. Being so soon to pass away from this scene, what little matter is it, how the body fares, or what men say, so that my soul be approved unto God!
DEC. 3. By prayer my heart was graciously excited to joy and gratitude. Went then to B., with whom I enjoyed great freedom, and a spirit of praise. In my room, read Euripides
r for a few hours, and spent the rest in thinking- on sermon. 1 Tim. had a blessed effect in stirring me up to a willing devotedness of myself to a life of self-deni;tl.
DEC. 4. Was plagued with a great deal of fearful unbelief, and distrust, chietly from finding myself barren in meditation on the subject of my sermon; but at intervals the eternal world opened to my view, and affected my heart rightly. H. came to me; 1 tried a little to speak on a subject that might be for his conviction, but to no purpose; yet I was not faith ful to him, and the consciousness of this began a dejection, which lasted, more or less, all the evening. At short intervals had the presence of God, but in general was lukewarm, though not tempted to any dissatisfaction with my blessed
work.
DEC-. 5. All my leisure time till pupils, was about sermon, unable to write the first sentence. Then an hour before walk equally in vain. I was exceedingly fretted, and assaulted moreover with evil thoughts. However, I simply cast my self on the Lord in prayer, and was delivered from all evil imaginations; but unlmppiness at my wretched unprofitableness remained. In my walk out was quite oppressed, and full of idle and foolish thoughts. Met with Mr. P. and C., who stayed till supper time. However, when they were gone, the Lord seemed to open my heart and my mind; and I wrote a page, and recovered a little from fear and dejection. How easily can he shut me up; it is from him, there fore, I have received my talents; and to him be all the glory!
DEC. 6. My heart was still disquieted this morning, and weak against the assaults of sin and Satan. In prayer I strove for faith, and peace of mind, and deadness to the world, but could gain no permanent holdfast of a right spirit. My pati’-nce and temper were again greatly tried, by not bein”1 able to write a word, till my pupils came. Received a letter from K, and from my brother, both agreeable, but which I would willingly have been without, as they tended to bring my thoughts to earth. With my pupils, I betrayed my natural spirit, hasty, light, sarcastic, &c. Walked forth in great unhappiness, yet praying for grace, to bear with meekness all that the Lord should appoint. After dinner, I gained a little nearer access to God. Wrote with tolerable freedom, and felt very thankful for any assistance the Lord vouchsafes. My soul reposed in sweet solemnity; the views of death appeared exceedingly pleasant, and I longed to think of nothing, but time and eternity. My heart also delighted in its union to such a blessed being as Christ. I felt quite contented and happy, if he would notice such a worm, whether I lived in this world or the next, My cup would run over; but I am so proud, and hard-hearted, and conceited. Visited B., who was in a state of insensibility, drawing almost his last breath.
DEC. 7. Awakened by music in the courts. The impression was very powerful on my imagination. As I could conceive it to be the sound of the heavenly choir, transporting the faithful soul to glory, it seemed a very blessed and glorious thing to be the servant of God, and I wondered that I was not always impressed with the same idea. Called at
B ’s, and found he had died at five this morning; was
powerfully affected by the consideration, that he had now been before the throne of God, and received his final portion. What a thought! He now knows whether I spoke faithfully or no; and if not, may perhaps curse me, for deceiving him into hell. Notwithstanding these my serious thoughts in the morning, I was subject to the most despicable vanities afterwards.
DEC. 8. In prayer my heart was engaged. I saw very clearly, that without preserving a child-like simplicity, I should never walk consistently. In the course of the morning, my heart was in general affected with love to God; but in the walk it was carried away by foolish thoughts, so as to make me unwilling to be meditating on eternity. I may well be convinced of the corruption of my heart, when it so easily teems with all manner of folly. The rest of the day in general in peace, and sweet views of another world. Supped at
nio-ht with, and. The conversation was miserable,
and I came away tired; but not without the conviction of not having endeavored to introduce one useful remark. Oh if 1 had a love to souls, I could not let them trifle into eternity! How differently did the Lord I profess to follow, pass the time when he visited the ungodly!
DEC. 10. State of mind was rather clouded this morning, by waste of time in bed; B. told me, that in my prayer yesterday before sermon, I used nothing but a few scriptural phrases, so that it was not like prayer. The first emotions of my mind were those of vexation; but I was struck by the amazing pride of my wicked heart, that I could not bear to discover any imperfection in myself, even though the discovery was the only way to lead me towards perfection. However, the Lord helped me to improve this little circum stance to my good, and I was led to see my utter unworthiness and unfitness for anything good. I was willing to see myself despised; yea, it was the desire of my heart, to set before my mind such scenes of my life as should most fill me with shame and humiliation. In this spirit I walked out, and it was surprising to me, what freedom from anxiety and from inclination to sin, I found. Every one I met I regarded with reverence, and went sweetly meditating on the meekness of Jesus Christ, and filled with the hope of. being one day made perfect in it, if not in this world, yet in the next. With what ease could I observe propriety of conduct! And in prayer I had frequent seasons of sacred delight, while I declared, that I wished God to have all the glory, and yet I desired to honor all his creatures. But unhappily, a man spoke in praise of my sermon last night, and all these thoughts presently disappeared. Thus praise gives me infinitely more pain, even immediately, than the utmost abuse. I went to my rooms, and rather obtained relief from my pride, and somewhat of a return to a spirit of meekness. The rest of the evening passed in reading Euripides, with my heart at times much affected with love towards God.
DEC. 11. Corruption provides me enough matter for morning prayer. With my pupil, I had some disgraceful quickness of temper, as heretofore, which grieved me all the morning. In my walk, I was not happy in divine objects, except at short intervals; but I cried earnestly for meekness and humility. In the afternoon, visited the sick, and was engaged in conversation with a large number of the most abandoned profligates of Cambridge. Oh that oceans of tears would run down my eyes! The rest of the evening and night, with many interruptions, were spent in great dulness, reading Euripides.
DEC. 12. Enjoyed some delightful hours this morning, especially in reading the Song. With my pupil more governed. At church, was in a light worldly spirit; in prayer half the time speaking without thinking: what sparing mercy, that I am not struck dead for such mockery! In my
walk out met with D, to whom I spoke about religion,
by no means in a spirit of meekness — which I was sure to grieve for afterwards. After dinner, was serious in prayer, and had a clearer view of my real business on earth, and went to Wall’s Lane in a right spirit, as the servant of the Lord, and with the belief that Christ would be always with me, to direct my soul to his Spirit.
DEC. 13. After some difficulty attained to something of a humble spirit; how stupid am I in learning the plainest truths! I hoped I should bear in niind all day the occasion I had for a mourning spirit. I found joy in the course of the morning; but it v;as mixed with levity, and natural spirits; and I would rather have none than that: there is hardly any frame of mind I dislike so much, because I am never farther from the temper of Christ, and from holiness, and from happiness. Let me be poor in spirit and rneek. Read Euripides at leisure hours. It was a happy reflection to me, to perceive that, in the midst of these ensnaring classics, my heart felt their vanity, and prepared to think of God, and read his holy law.
DEC. 14. Had something of a poor and contrite spirit this morning in prayer. From nine to twelve was in hall about the examination; but I did not preserve that spirit which I had hoped I should, for I was light and conceited. In my walk out was rather more spiritual, and enabled to pray freely for some time. In the afternoon visited some people till three, when I went into hall till six. The rest of the evening passed in reading Euripides. In consequence of not praying with my servant, when it was rather a favorable opportunity, I greatly wounded my conscience, and did not recover a comfortable state all the evening.
DEC. 14. My morning prayer was still chiefly for humility and emptiness of self. In hall all the morning; but though I strove against conceit, was very full of it. I was constantly setting Christ before me — but alas! how little do I imitate his spirit! In my walk I was chiefly engaged in reading for the examination, but my affections seemed chiefly towards heaven. Had a few minutes for prayer after dinner, by which my mind was composed, and the rising desire after worldly applause was repressed. The only way I could find for effectually freeing myself from anxiety about the good opinion of men, was to labor to feel my utter unworthiness. If men despise me or my attainments, they will do more than what is right. This day I have been tired with the praises of men. The attention and respect of the fellows to night were remarkable.
DEC. 1C. (Sunday.) Rose with my mind full of carnal and worldly thoughts, running upon the Greek subject I had been examining on yesterday. In prayer and afterwards I was sorely tried by the most despicable vanity, and also by hypocrisy * * Then
I recollected, that it was my vow and wish to be always living alone with God; should it then be a concern with me, whether men admire me? Yet I could not get any deliverance from my corruption, till I was made to feel the misery of being under the dominion of sin. Rode early before breakfast to Stapleford, and then began to feel myself a poor lost creature, and that the simplicity of humility was that which most became me; and enjoyed in consequence something of a childlike spirit. In my walk back from church with some ladies professing godliness, I was grieved at their levity, but made no answer but by silence and gravity. After dinner
Dr. Milner and Lord C called. * * *
I was introduced as having been Senior Wrangler; but how contemptible did these paltry honors appear to me! Ah, thought I, you know not how little I am flattered by these intended compliments. Had an opportunity of private prayer, in which, though my mind was serious and not distracted, I felt no devotion; as I was distrustfully anxious about the evening. After tea, met about 150 people in the schoolroom, and preached on Acts xx. 21, “Testifying to the Jews, and also to the Greeks,” <fec. The Lord assisted me to be clear and impressive; but I had reason to lament my want of tenderness, or rather, that I had not sufficient power of speaking according to the feelings of my mind. Rode home in great strength of spirits; but my joy was not spiritual: yet I cared for nothing in this world. Read and prayed at night with my servant.
DEC. 17. After morning prayer my heart was joyous, but far too light. Engaged in hall and with the fellows. I governed my outward conduct pretty well in general, though pride and selfishness were working within, and sometimes the emptiness of my mind showed itself by speeches of folly and levity, and conformed me to the ways and manners of others. Oli for that holy reserve, which communion with God would not fail to produce in me! At the times of prayer, my heart is generally affected with moments of exceeding joy and devotion; but I want more of the abiding fear of God, and a continual sense of my own misery and guilt. In the hall was much affected by the sight of Lord B., whose look of meekness and humility riveted my attention, and almost melted me to tears. If there is one disposition in the world I wish for more than another, it is this; but the bias of my corrupted nature hurries me violently against it.
DEC. 18. Was greatly under the power of corrupt imaginations in the morning, but prayer restored me to purity and peace. In hall the whole day, and in general enjoyed more spirituality, and less of my natural temper than since the beginning of the examination. At intervals drew near to God in prayer; but it is high time for me that this secular business should end.
DEC. 19. My mind uneasy from anxiety, and fear of unfitness for that part of the examination I was about to undertake; yet always regained my peace, when I regarded myself as unworthy of the good opinion of anybody. I examined in Butler, with great ease to myself and clearness. Thus it pleases God to make me honorable in the eyes of men; I hope for the purposes of his own glory. In my walk my thoughts ran far too easily on these trifling things. The rest of the day in hall, and with the fellows, employed sometimes with sweet thoughts of God, but generally with dull thoughts, scarcely attending to anything. I was grieved not to be able to say anything. more decisive and convincing against that ungodly book of Paley’s. An opportunity offered of speaking to one of the fellows, which I did for a considerable time. In prayer in general, I have been fervent in the petitions; but the particulars have been fewer, my views of eternal things are narrowed, and I feel less inclined to the work of God.
DEC. 20. The promises of the church’s enlargement afforded me much delightful meditation this morning. In the afternoon I was scarcely at all alone, and about to behold vanity; but the Lord by prayer sobered and quickened my mind. In the service at church my soul enjoyed some true devotion. I gained instruction and comfort from the sermon, John ii. 25. Happy moments! in which I can live devoutly in communion with Christ. Oh what is the world to me? and yet my thoughts are not swallowed up in God.
DEC. 21. Rose early, and continued a good while in prayer. Most of the time till dinner I was reading Poole’s Synopsis of the first chapter of St. John, and was much impressed with the consideration of the glory of Christ, the Word. Oh, that I could think of nothing else but things which belong to the wonders of religion! In my walk, strove to keep near to Christ, and was at times affected with admiration and love. I look forward to a day of prayer; for my soul hath great need of quickening and restoration, that it may act more in the view of eternity, and conformably to the holy profession whereunto I am called, of a minister of Christ.
DEC. 22. Another day is passed, and another week, in which I have very, very little lived according to my prayer; seldom feeling myself alone with God. My heart has not been drawn out in prayer; neither has his word been sweet to me; and this I may safely attribute to my not giving more time to the work. Most of the morning passed in reading Poole on the 1st of John. In my walk, I met with C., with whom I talked with far too little restraint in his own way, on the oriental languages. I should not talk to a miser on the way of getting money; so neither should I talk with C. on that which is his idol. After dinner, I was in a peaceful melancholy, at hearing of the death of P at Gibraltar; death was pleasant to me, though I had little joy or nearness to God; but I wished for no work, no employment in earth or heaven, but the service of God.
DEC. 23. (Sunday.) In great self-abasement, I prayed this morning, and ft- It the power of religion. My soul was alone with God, and I hoped I should be steadily with him all the day. I felt fully disposed to go anywhere, or to do anything for God; not from zeal, but from resignation, and a sense of utter worthlessness and unprofitableness. My views on death were somewhat different from lately. I have rather wished to live to do something for God; but now I wished rather to die, to be free from my sinful ness and uselessness. At supper in hall, had a little share of conversation, and said something that I trust will fasten. I had perfect command of myself, which is my main object; for if I say anything that can be gainsaid, I had much better not have spoken at all.
DEC. 25. My morning thoughts were unworthy of this sacred day, till they were somewhat sanctified by prayer. Preached at Lol worth on John i. 14, to a very small congregation, but with my own heart affected. At church, at night, had reason to lament the want of private communion with God; as my thoughts were too easily apt to fix on outward things, to engage in the ordinances. Yet in the latter part 1 thought I had a great and tender love for souls, and that I could long to see every one of them coming to Christ, and being happy. In my rooms meditated a long time on the latter part of Gal. ii; and though I had scarcely any insight into it, my soul rejoiced in hope of experiencing the power of the cross of Christ, even as the apostle.
DEC. 26. Had some enjoyment in prayer; but I need very much a day of humiliation, and continued supplication. Went into the combination room after dinner, where some of those present kept me constantly employed, by asking me questions, to make me speak against the usual amusements of men. In the evening, read Grotius’ Commentary on the 1st of Revelations. At night, passed some hours in meditatinoon Gal. ii. 20. It is very delightful to enter into the spirit of the Epistles in any measure — indeed of any part of the word of God: I find that it is the sincere milk, by which I grow. In the midst of my vanities and fickleness, I find no pleasure at all, save in the views of eternity.
DEC. 27. Drank tea at N, where I spoke with ease
and clearness on Gal. ii. 20, for a good while. Went away in great thankfulness, and desire to be again employed in
God’s service at home; but to my dissatisfaction, •,
whom I knew six years ago, came in, and sat with me till near midnight, disputing on religion. I was perfectly dispassionate throughout, and proved everything he said to be false; but such a mixture of profaneness, infidelity, and ingenuity, filled my soul with anguish. Oh how I longed to be in heaven, out of the way of such ungodliness? What a life will it be to me to pass through a world of such men! but the time will one day be over, and then I shall see none but holy servants of God; but my business here is to carry God’s light through a world of darkness.
DEC. 30. (Sunday.) Most shamefully wasted much time in bed, and rose full of shame and anguish, which continued in a less degree all day. Preached at St. Giles’ church on John iii. 3, without notes, and went through it with distinctness and correctness, though both body and mind were in a stupid state. At church, several things served to humble me, and make me think slightly of myself.
DEC. 31. I had determined last night to devote this morning to practical reading and prayer; but when the morning came, I was very unwilling at first to leave many things undone, as would be necessary; but, however, I did devote the morning to it, and found the presence of God with me, so that I was enabled to stir up my attention constantly, and to watch unto meditation and prayer. My mind was also vigorous in my walk. After dinner, a party of religious friends sat with me, whose names I will write, that I may remember them this time twelvemonth, if God spare my life. Our conversation was tolerably useful. The rest of the evening I enjoyed much of God’s presence, and in prayer at night was full of joy; devoting myself to God’s service, and rejoicing at the lapse of time. But alas! I may truly groan at the unprofitableness of the last year. For the first half, I was severely tried, and then I was but little resigned to the rio-hteous dispensations of God. It then pleased the Lord to deliver me, but instead of rendering him joyful service, as I expected, I seem to have more pride and lukewarmness. In two things I see a lamentable, a melancholy defect. I am not a man of prayer. I pray frequently for myself, and with fervor; but I am not found a man to stand in the gap. Secondly, I do not feel that I am performing the duties of the ministry in that part of it which respects private visiting. This evil indeed is the consequence of the former. But my soul panteth after holiness, nothing appears at all desirable to me for a moment, but God. May he make his creature spiritual!