Chapter VIII

January 1805 – March 1805

Jan. 2. 1805. I found great peace and increase of spirituality in considering prayer my proper business: the going among our people, which used to fill me with anxiety, ap peared easy and pleasant to me. — and, by conslant questioning and arguing with me, gave me a most complete opportunity of telling them almost all I could have wished. I went away greatly pleased, though somewhat pained at having wounded ’s feelings by too strong expressions of my indignation, at his having been publicly singing anacreontic songs. Went to W ’s, where I expounded the 2th chapter of St. John. In prayer I was more free from false fervor, and was more deliberate and orderly.

JAN. 3. Read a little of Basil on the first Psalm. I was struck with his eloquence, but found little evangelical truth. I found solemnity and seriousness at different times in prayer this morning; but in my walk, my heart was ever beholding

vanity; my thoughts were taken up by considering ’s

words, that God generally used mean instruments of conversion in preference to the wise and learned. The exercise of humility, to which this gave occasion in me, was a very profitable one. I felt quite as well disposed to live laboring and praying for souls, without ever being honored by having any given to me, as with prospects of abundant success. May the Lord gather them how and by whom may be most to the advancement of his own glory!

JAN. 4. Tn my walk, the desire of my heart was toward God, but the body of death kept my spirit down; yet on fleeing from these thoughts, I rose for a while to heavenly

peace and joy. Found an opportunity of giving a solonm warning; the rest of the evening was taken up with preparation for my departure: my mind was affected with solemnity and melancholy, as it usually is in such times; but in prayer it was a sweet reflection, that I was a stranger and pilgrim, that I neither sought nor wished to have my rest on earth. Let no change of place distract my mind from being constantly in prayer to my God.

JAN. 5. Hose early, and my spirit was in a state of enjoyment. In the coach from Cambridge to, there was a

very clever woman, of great vivacity and infidel principles. I do not know what effect all that I said had on her; for there was so much levity, that her real feelings were in constant disguise. I was frequently depressed at, by the

solitude and spiritual darkness of the place; but by earnest prayer against these feelings, I found that I could live independently of all created comforts upon God alone, and meditated in peace of mind upon my subjects for to-morrow, studying how I might speak with the greatest possible plainness. In the evening I was alone, and passed some hours in reading and prayer; the sermon of Jonathan Edwards on the “Day of Judgment,” and on “Tearfulness hath surprised the hypocrites,” made me tremble at the fearful condition of lost souls, and made me feel uncomfortable at the consideration of such a melancholy subject.

JAN. G. (Sunday.) Preached to a small congregation on John iii. 8, with needless plainness, and rather too great familiarity, as I learnt afterwards; and in the afternoon on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21, at which time the earnestness of my manner excited the mirth of many people present. I was greatly grieved at it; yet perhaps if I had had their benefit more at heart, I should have taken care to deliver these truths with the least possible offence; so that even in this case I may reasonably blame myself. Afterwards catechized, and sang with the children. In the evening read one of Jonathan Edwards’s sermons with - — , whose conversation, full of levity and inconsistency, especially considering the day, was very painful to me. I could scarcely give the attention consistent with common politeness; it is no wonder such sort of Christians have fears; and my exhortation accordingly to him, was to serve God better, and to pass more time in prayer. In private afterwards, my soul was drawn out in fervent prayer, and felt the presence of the glorious God. I longed to be ten thousand times more devoted to him than I had been, and to pass the remainder of my days in humble laborious exertions in the cause of Christ.

JAN, 7. Arrived in Brunswick Square. Called on Mr. Grant, who told me I might certainly consider myself as destined for India, though I was not yet appointed. Thus it pleases God to keep me in a certain degree unfixed, and it is but that his own wise purposes should be fulfilled in their time. I find these apparent delays very beneficial to me, as I perceive that God works in providence, as in nature, very slowly, which is a check to youthful rashness. Had some difficulty in prayer at night, from the distractions of the day, but with some blessed moments of drawing near to God, and away from the world.

JAN. 8. Walked many hours in the street, which greatly disturbed my thoughts; but when I repeated to myself some of the chapters in Ephesians, I was with God and happy; on my return home, however, I was astonished, on reflecting on the pride, and hardness, and wicked imaginations, that have been teeming in this corrupted heart. Prayed in some shame and humility against the repetition of such wickedness: while I walked in such danger, what but God’s long-suffering and covenanted mercy preserved me? In the evening we sang, “Salvation! oh the joyful sound!” with great joy; my own mind was in general quiet and collected, but I was -very slothful in conversation.

JAN. 9. In reading the charge to the priests at the ordination service, I was affected even to tears, at the importance of the ministry. The great mental talents of some men naturally excite my envy; but when I am able to think of God, who hath thus gifted his creatures, I have often had new views of him, and been astonished at the greatness of his glory, and his transcendent excellence, and been filled with wonder and delight, that so mean a creature should belong to him as much as angels.

JAN. 10. Felt little disposed to exchange my humble and laborious calling, as it appears to this world, for the ease and grandeur of the rich. My mind was, however, getting carnal and distracted from God, by so much company, and so little prayer and reading. Somewhat restored by reading and learning the Epistle to the Romans, but alas! I find it requires more exertion and communion with God, to maintain that due spirituality of mind, than I am using.

JAN. 11. After breakfast, began to read Isaiah, being in great need of being quickened by God, and warned by his word. We called on Mr. Cecil, with whose conversation 1 was much struck and edified: after leaving him, 1 called on, and was excessively uneasy at the conversation between the female part of the company, which was entirely on the amusements of the world. I was just about to ask them if they had ever found happiness in these things; but coming in, we spoke on a subject much more agreeable to me. When I left him, I renewed the dedication of myself to God and his service, officiated at family worship, and was serious in prayer, which I am sure was a mercy I had no right to expect, after the levity and neglect of the day. But he dealeth not with us after our sins, neither rewardeth us after our iniquities.

JAN. 12. Left London in low spirits, partly from illness, and partly from the dissipation of my thoughts from delight in God. On my arrival I cried to God for deliverance from my present state of lukewarmness and irreligion, and found some little increase of spirituality after praying. Strove to feel in prayer the awfulness of eternity, and of the work of the ministry. 0 that I may watch for souls, as one who must give an account! 0 that I may hear God’s trumpet sound, and warn souls, lest they should perish, and their blood be required at my hand! Would to God I was stirred up to feel the affections of a minister!

JAN. 13. (Sunday.) Rose in great self-abasement, and shame, and grief, at having no fruits of labor to offer to God this day. I was enabled most of the day to retain a spirit of watchfulness, perceiving the necessity of stirring up myself to a right mind. And in consequence, what used to make me uncomfortable, appeared very agreeable. I was pleased with the thought of being alone, exposed to the inclemencies of the weather, and deprived of earthly comforts, thinking I should be a gainer on the whole, by having more of the presence of God, and experiencing the power of Christ resting upon me. I prayed before sermon, that God would glorify himself, and not me, in the conversion of sinners, and in the first hymn at church I was almost overcome with joy; I hardly ever remember to have tasted such unmixed delight. “Thine earthly sabbaths, Lord, we love,” was the hymn. Oh, I thought, it is happy to pass one’s days in contention with the flesh, and painful diligence, if it was only, because they so much brighten the hope and the prospect of glory. Found much edification at night in reading some parts of the sermons of that great man, Jon. Edwards, as I did of quickening in the morning from David Brainerd.

JAN. 21. After an hour of Thucydidcs with my pupil, I passed the remainder of the evening in meditation on a subject of Scripture, and prayer, and Mas much assisted. In prayer cried for mercy, under a sense of my guilt and great danger. My whole soul went forth to take hold of Christ, and to keep nigh to him, lest I should perish. Went to bed with my flesh trembling for fear of God’s judgments.

JAN. -2-2. Passed the morning in meditation on Job. xxvii. 8 — 10. This afternoon a letter came from Mr. G., desiring me to sail for St. Helena in eight or ten days. The suddenness of this call produced some perturbation of spirits. As I cannot be ordained priest till after the 18th of February, it is impossible to go so soon, but I think I shall go immediately after. I found great need of prayer for tranquillity and composure of mind, and for an affectionate remembrance of these dear people I am about to leave, that my last discourses may be more spiritual and awakening than the for mer; and also for preparation for death, that it may not come upon me unawares; but that, if I am summoned to the bar of judgment in the midst of the bustle of departure from this country, my accounts may be all ready and rio-ht.

* * •.’ * G

JAN. 23. Walked out, with my soul toward God, and my thoughts much employed on my approaching departure. In the evening read a lesson in Hindostanee, but found myself in great uneasiness from my utter unprofitableness. I cried to God for deliverance from this lukewarm, irregular state. The reading of Col. i. immediately after, was applied to my

heart and conscience. Went to, hoping there might be

suitable conversation amongst us. But the utmost levity prevailed. I was not carried away with it at all, but I exerted myself very little to promote suitable subjects. It is miserable living with men; were I not commanded to seek my religion from God, and to find my comfort in his presence and work, I should be very unhappy.

JAX. 24. Read and prayed over Col. i. and ii. Alas! how little do I know of experimental religion! How little am I influenced by such spiritual motives as the apostle there inculcates! Walking in Christ Jesus is something very different from what our reason would ever suggest or is willing to give in to. May I know those evangelical mysteries! Spent the afternoon with some friends very delightfully. We sang Borne hymns with music. I felt much animated in devotedness to the service of my God, especially in the missionary work. After an hour with my pupil, went to church, and was edified by Mr. Simeon’s sermon on Rom. viii. 12, and felt greatly influenced to mortify the flesh, and to keep it under, especially its slothful inclinations; this world is not the place to consult ease. Oh may I receive grace never to be in bondage to it, as I am by nature. Saw the Mohawk after church, and was filled with pity to find he was going back from the goodness of God.

JAN. 25. I have been much under the influence of a %ht, vain spirit to-day, though my heart has been towards God, both in prayer and at other times. I longed to get near him, yet my wandering mind led me continually astray, and no spirituality remained an hour after prayer. I could use the most solemn prayer, and have the most solemn desires pass through the mind, and yet rise with my thoughts instantly going on things about me, without any holy spiritual grace. I found renewed profit in reading the latter part of the Epistle to the Thessalonians, as I had in reading the first part in the morning. The epistles are very useful to my soul at present. At other times I take less pleasure in reading, but now it is my earnest desire to increase in spirituality and rest.

JAN. 26. This morning, in prayer, had very clear views of eternity, and of my work on earth. I longed that I might not say one word to men of myself, from my own mind, but

JAN. 21. After an hour of Thucydidcs with my pupil, I passed the remainder of the evening in meditation on a subject of Scripture, and prayer, and was much assisted. In prayer cried for mercy, under a sense of my guilt and great danger. My whole soul went forth to take hold of Christ, and to keep nigh to him, lest I should perish. Went to bed with my flesh trembling for fear of God’s judgments.

JAN. 22. Passed the morning in meditation on Job. xxvii. 8 — 10. This afternoon a letter came from Mr. G., desiring me to bail for St. Helena in eight or ten days. The suddenness of this call produced some perturbation of spirits. As I cannot be ordained priest till after the 18th of February, it is impossible to go so soon, but I think I shall go immediately after. I found great need of prayer for tranquillity and composure of mind, and for nn affectionate remembrance of these dear people I am about to leave, that my last discourses may be more spiritual and awakening than the for mer; and also for preparation for death, that it may not come upon me unawares; but that, if I am summoned to the bar of judgment in the midst of the bustle of departure from this country, my accounts may be all ready and right.

heart and conscience. Went to, hoping there might be

1805.] OF THE REV. HENRY MARTYN. 1G5

JAN. 24. Read and prayed over Col. i. and ii. Alas! how little do I know of experimental religion! How little am I influenced by such spiritual motives as the apostle there inculcates! Walking in Christ Jesus is something very different from what our reason would ever suggest or is willing to give in to. May I know those evangelical mysteries! Spent the afternoon with some friends very delightfully. We sang some hymns with music. I felt much animated in devotedness to the service of my God, especially in the missionary work. After an hour with my pupil, went to church, and was edified by Mr. Simeon’s sermon on Rom. viii. 12, and felt greatly influenced to mortify the flesh, and to keep it under, especially its slothful inclinations; this world is not the place to consult ease. Oh may I receive grace never to be in bondage to it, as I am by nature. Saw the Mohawk after church, and was filled with pity to find he was going back from the goodness of God.

JAN. 25. I have been much under the influence of a light, vain spirit to-day, though my heart has been towards God, both in prayer and at other times. I longed to get near him, yet my wandering mind led me continually astray, and no spirituality remained an hour after prayer. I could use the most solemn prayer, and have the most solemn desires pass through the mind, and yet rise with my thoughts instantly going on things about me, without any holy spiritual grace. I found renewed profit in reading the latter part of the Epistle to the Thessalonians, as I had in reading the first part in the morning. The epistles are very useful to my soul at present. At other times I take less pleasure in reading, but now it is my earnest desire to increase in spirituality and rest.

JAN. 26. This morning, in prayer, had very clear views of eternity, and of my work on earth. I longed that I might not say one word to men of myself, from my own mind, but that God would put his own word into my mouth, that I might feed his people with truly spiritual food. Was generally joyful in my walk. The nearness of my departure, and the interest so many people take in it, tended to harass my spirits, but I have found it particularly easy to-day to stay myself upon God, and so to be at peace.

JAN. 27. (Sunday.) Preached at Trinity on Rom. vii. IS. I was in greater fear when 1 ascended the pulpit, than 1 ever remember to have been; but the moment I began to pray all my fears vanished. Mr. Simeon pointed out the faults in my sermon afterwards, for it seems the lower people in general were not able to understand it. In my ride to Lolworth was a little dejected at not having preached intelligibly, and especially as I feared I was ill calculated to instruct the poor ignorant heathen; yet surely I can, if I am on my guard, for I seem to be able to instruct children. Preached at Lol worth, on Acts xx. 21, to an attentive conorreo-ation, I

O O

think with great plainness. Had much of God’s presence on my return home. The glory of heaven stirred me up to press toward the mark, and I lono-cd to be doinf the Lord’s

I OO

work.

JAX. 28. Filled with shame, or rather with a conviction that I ought to be, at the waste of my time this morning in bed; how abominable it is with my profession of religion, to throw away those precious moments, in which the rest of God’s people have been employed in early devotion! B. told me there was disapprobation yesterday at my having preached instead of Mr. Simeon. This made me a little unhappy, by the wound it gave to my pride. But may God, of his mercy, mortify this vile inmate of my heart, and teach me henceforth to be willing that my name should be cast out as evil, even by God’s people, and that God should have all the honor and glory! From dinner till supper, catechized the children. I cried unto the Lord in great unhappiness. I

1805.] OF THE REV. HENRY MARTYN. 1G7

could profess to him, that I was not dissatisfied with his work or his commandments, but with my own folly and corruption, whereby my vanity is of power sufficient to draw my thought away from God, my best, my dearest, my only portion. Felt an exceeding satisfaction at the rich word of Christ contained in the Epistles, as I read Galatians at night. I have need to hunger and thirst after righteousness, for I am exceedingly empty. What a, happy soul should I be, were 1 quite crucified to the world?

JAN. 29. Wrote to S, expressing high things, such

as ardor in the work before me, and joy in God. May I never falsify these professions! Passed some time in prayer profitably, going over, before God, the substance of the tilings I meant to say to-night, praying to have them wrought into my own heart. Just before I began, the desire of my heart to God was, that I might speak with exceeding tenderness and spirituality. When I went away, my mind was calm, and thankful, and fit for other service.

JAN. 30. With much painful conviction of my constant unprofitableness, I had sometimes drawings of heart towards God. Dined at Mr. Bates’ with Mr. Simeon, &c.; serious and collected on going amongst them, though I had no opportunity for prayer before. The conversation there was agreeable and spiritual, and I thought myself in pretty good order; but on recollecting the pride and vanity, the want of love and everything good, I have every reason to abhor myself in dust and ashes. Read Ephesians with some com fort, with Grotius, but most of the time thinking on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24. How many tempers like the devil have I! particularly pride, thinking well of myself, in spite of the clearest convictions of reason and experience; and such petulance; it is well if God through his mercy break my proud self-will by contradiction; I am constrained to acknowledge the greatness of his patience with such a wretched creature.

JAN. 31. After passing the first part of the morning in prayer, with first of Philippians, I sat with Mr. Simeon conversing on chap. i. 23, 24. While walking, my soul longed after conformity to God, and to be helped to do something in his service. Determined with myself, if nothing .prevented, to devote to-morrow to prayer; the prospect sweetened my soul a little.

FEB. 1. Was much at a loss this morning, to know whether I ought to devote this day to prayer or not. 1 felt disposed to the former, but considered that it would be impossible to prepare a sermon for Trinity, as I had promised. Read and prayed with Phil. ii. and iii. with profit. Oh, Clod’s word is precious to me at this time. In prayer after dinner, my heart, which had been quite wandering, was restored to a spirit of seriousness, and a desire to be employed with some effect in the work of the ministry. In prayer, in one part of it, the Spirit of God seemed to breathe on my soul, in an especial manner, as I have experienced it a few times of my life. After being with pupil, went to a class, and spoke on Job xxvii. 8-10. O let me not be found a praying and preaching hypocrite at the last. They seemed to be much affected.

FEB. 2. Again had the painful reflection of having wasted time in bed, through indulgence to the flesh. God is still mercifully pleased to send down his Holy Spirit, notwithstanding my poor prayers to him. I came with grief and shame to the throne of grace, confessing how much time I could find for comparative trifles, such as sleeping, walking, reading newspapers, and yet so little time for God. My soul was a little restored. I longed, as in most of the prayers at night of late, that I could entirely forget this world, the things of which do so constantly turn away my thoughts from God. The flesh shrinks at times, but I do not regret having resigned the world. No! far from it. Life is but a short journey, ?i little day; and then, if I be faithful unto death, my gracious reward will begin.

FEB. 4. Kept stricter watch over my spirit this day in general, and found the benefit of it. Found the presence of God in prayer this morning composing my mind into seriousness and solemnity. I tried for some time to drive away all levity in my frame as soon as it appeared, and to seek for the unction of the Holy One. I found it necessary to repress lively feelings, and by that means tasted a purer joy. Wrote a very little on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24. In my walk I was helped to keep my mind in sobriety and regard to God, though amid many temptations to the contrary. I thought I observed some contemptuous disregard towards me to-day. It was comfortable to reflect, that it was for the name of Christ. About to be dispirited at my constant backslidings, but for a clear and heart-reviving view of the fulness of grace, which is in Christ; to him I came, and found refreshment and strength.

FEB. 5. I was enabled to stay upon God by faith, feeling assured he would keep my soul in peace, and instruct me how to perform my public duties. Spoke on the latter part of 2 Thess. ii., but though I had tolerable Huency, had none of that unction, which much communion with God produces. So in prayer, I had much power, but I am persuaded it was entirely animal, for I had no clear views of God’s excellency; did not rise more humbled, but just the contrary, nor with my soul breathing after holiness, for I was disposed to be as light as before; till at last a great sense of guilt arose in my mind, on account of the little solemn impression left by the late religious exercise. Was again disposed to dejection and departure from God, but I have learnt where ray strength lieth. I know that my necessities should only lead me to Jesus, who never turns away those who come to him for help.

FEB. 6. Collected passages from the prophets, predictive of the future glory of the church; but not having any specific subject to meditate on, my thoughts went much astray. Found my soul in great need of deliverance from a lukewarm state, and by prayer was brought to more serious self-recollection. Alas! so much communication with men is very prejudicial to me, for I cannot enjoy God without more solicitude; and oh, how wretched is the best society, when the mind is unfitted for God! Were I to stay any time longer at the university, I should be bound by conscience and inclination to refuse invitations of this sort. Alas! how much more profitably might all this precious time be spent, either in prayer or study, or visiting some poor souls! I recollected among the sins of this day, having neglected an opportunity of conversation with a man whom 1 met on the road, merely through disinclination. How vain is all my supposed delight in the glory of the church, if I do not exert myself for individual souls! Learnt that a mandate might very likely be procured for me, for taking a B. D. degree; this would give a publicity to my a flair, which would be a trial to me. But while my God vouchsafes his grace to my soul, by which I can in prayer rise far beyond wordly things, 1 need not much fear the influence of distracting vanities.

FEU. 8. Bewail my farewell sermon, and was engaged in the subject with my mind at peace. For want of more prayer and solitude, my conversation with my pupil was vain, and inconsistent with the gravity and sweetness of the gos pel. Afterwards, I came to God, having no plea but his own mercy in Christ, and found the Lord to be gracious, plenteous in goodness and truth. The subject of God’s promises respecting the future glory of the church, on which I was at work, was exceedingly animating to me. I left off very unwillingly at a late hour, and longed to prosecute the subject on the morrow. I cannot imagine to myself, how things could be differently ordered, so as to be more for

God’s glory, or more delightful to my soul. The nature of his promises, and the language in which they are expressed, are all such as I should suppose worthy of God, and are certainly more agreeable to my mind, than I can think they would otherwise be.

FEB. 9. An unhappy day to me for want of more solitude and prayer. I cannot live one happy hour without more or less communion with my God. What is this world, what is religious company, what is anything to me without God? They become a bustle and a crowd, when I lose sight of him. The most dreary wilderness would appear paradise with a little of his presence. How I long to be left alone, that my thoughts might wait upon God without any distraction. Began the day with tolerable comfort, both in reading, prayer, and writing. But from twelve to twelve at night, was scarcely at all alone. Was unexpectedly obliged to go

to C, at supper, without having time to prepare my

soul by prayer; and the consequence was, as was to be expected; when I might have attempted to give the conversation a religious turn, I felt a foolish and sinful fear of giving offence. The conversation was literary. Came away with much pain.

FEB. 10. C- - continued with me till three quarters of an hour before church, which time I spent principally in prayer, of which indeed I stood greatly in need. After dinner, feeling much dejection, went to prayer; at first in great darkness, but soon the Lord poured out his Spirit in rich abundance, and brought light, and joy, and comfort into my soul. There is nothing in the weak words we can use, so astonishingly to change the frame of the heart; but God fulfils his promises of being found of those that seek him. The kind expressions of Christian regard I received from a young person who was leaving Cambridge, and expected to see me no more, was very pleasing to me.

FEB. 11. Another unprofitable day. Oh the misery of HO much conversation with creatures! I would rather be buried forever from the Right of man in a wilderness, than to be constantly with him.

FKH. 12. Breakfasted with C, but my mind was so

uneasy for the want of spiritual duties, that I could not say anything at all. Afterwards on reading Hebrews, and prayer, my peace and comfort returned. I endeavored to put myself simply into the hands of God, prayed that I might be taught of the Spirit to feed the church of God.

(; htayd with rne again; he has been a great trial to

my mind since lie has been here: but how foolish am I, to be deprived of my peace of mind by the presence of another! no one can hinder the range of the spirit. Oh, may it ever dwell near rny God! Oh, may the Lord help me to enjoy that peace which passeth all understanding!

Yy.it. 13. In prayer particularly desired I might not use the word of God deceitfully, enthusiastically, or hypocritically this evening, as 1 felt myself in danger of doing. The Lord mercifully poured out upon me a spirit of prayer and supplication at this time, so that I continued nearly an hour in fervent supplication, chiefly in a contrite sense of my shameful lukewarmness, arid hardness of heart towards

Christ; talked with a long time, about the glory of the

Christian warfare; with great conceit, a» I perceived after wards by my distance from God. Yet he mercifully restored me to a more self-abasing spirit. The rest of the evening I wrote, pretty freely, a sermon for to-morrow night. Blessed be God for enabling me to do anything at all for his glory!

FKB. 14. With some elevation of spirit above the vain world, I preached on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24, but felt not very well satisfied afterwards. I was afraid it was not plain enough for the poor people, and that my sermons were little to the heart, and too much in generals. After supper found great comfort in approaching to Cod in prayer. ;uul ;i sweet return of precious thoughts of eternity. Oh, why am I not more u ina.ii of prayer? How the Lord encourages me to pray, by soon giving me his presence, when I have been seeking him but a very little!

KKH. 15. Passed the evening in conversation about the mission, and the nature of the difficulties I should meet, with on board the ship. lput none of these tilings move me at present.

Fr.it. 1(). The last unprofitable day of an unprofitable week. Almost, (he whole morning was broken up, and iiv private duties 1 was little comforted; but, it is not, fervor that will keep the. soul alive, without long and continued communion with Clod. After dinner had much seriousness in prayer, and wished for nothing but to be doing the work of Christ, and went, in this frame to visit the woman and her son. The room was so exceedingly offensive, that, 1 could scarcely endure it, for an instant, yet, by care 1 was able to continue for about half an hour.

1 felt at times this evening a dislike to all (Jod’s work. ] was vexed with my miserable self, and discontented with everything that lay in futurity, lint in prayer I cried to (Hod to be delivered from my worldly, lukewarm, and idle state, and I rose more humble. My very soul groans at such a life; nothing done for (Jod <>r my soul to any good purpose. 0 — - told me I was far above the, comprehension of people in general. Nothing pains and grieves me more than this, for I had rather be a preacher of the gospel among the poor, and to the poor, so as to be understood by them, than be anything else upon earth. Would to (Jod my soul were quite dead to this wretched world, the outward things of which do continually plague and distract me!

FEB. 17. (Sunday.) Somewhat oppressed this morning, from a sense of my unlitness and unacceptablcncss to a poor congregation. However, I was in no great danger from a vain wandering mind, for I felt base and worthless, and unfit to be among God’s people. It was suitable, and comfortable to me, to read the penitential sentences at the beginning.

Preached at Lol worth on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24, and my heart towards the last was filled with the truest fervor. When I began to say, “And we now preach to you Christ crucified,” and to exhort them to come to him, the Spirit seemed to fill my heart; I never felt a stronger conviction of the truth of the gospel. The people were very attentive.

FEB. 18. My birth-day; but I have been able to make few profitable reflections on it. Morning prayer brought me to seriousness and steadiness; meditation and prayer on Heb. xi. were delightful to me. At night the Lord mercifully assisted me much in my studies. Yet this heart is vain, and proud, and alas, it is not near to God. But let me praise his holy name, for having brought me to the end of my 24th year in safety. May the world never have occasion to mourn at my birth-day!

FEB. 19. In my walk, was thinking, with great sallies of joy and delight, on the glorious work which lay before me, of carrying happiness to the benighted heathen. But I endeavored to moderate the outward expressions of joy, that it might be more pure and lasting. After dinner I sought to solemnize my mind by prayer, and passed half an hour in the exercise. 0 my soul, be more serious and holy. The work of God is my business, and the more I attend to it, the more easy and satisfying it is to me.

FEB. 21. Walked to Drayton. On the road I had little of the presence of God, but was kept from wandering farther, by learning some Scripture by heart. After dinner I tried to keep near to God by continual ejaculations to him, as I went along the streets; but nothing can make up for the want of stated prayer. In the evening, after my heart had been going farther still from God, so that I could not read, I betook myself to prayer when alone; and oh, how great is the mercy, that the Lord lets me come nigh him by an ordinance so simple! How wonderful, that it should be made the means of bringing me to that spirituality and peace, which the utmost efforts of reason could not attain without it!

FEB. 22. Being excessively tempted to worldliness, I found blessed hope in prayer, so that with my pupil, my deportment was serious and Christian beyond my expectations: a great many hours I spent in considering what is meant by the presence of God, yet went to bed not much dissatisfied.

FEB. 23. Employed in writing on Rev. iii. 20. The 1st Epistle of Peter was still very profitable to my soul. Having had occasion to think on death as near, I could repose with a solemn quietness on the blessed God. In my walk felt some tenderness in my heart for souls. How easy, I thought, and pleasant is the exercise of my ministry, to what it might be and will be hereafter!

FEB. 24. (Sunday.) Riding home from Lolworth, I was enabled to be in prayer much of the time. I was laboring to feel an entire indifference to all created comforts, even to be contented to be without the ordinances. I wanted to feel myself as having nothing on earth to do, but to work for God, and as having to expect no comfort, but from communion with God. I endeavored to realize my future life as a missionary, to ask whether I could be satisfied in resigning forever all pleasing society, to roam about a desert, looking for people to preach to, and to wait upon them, patiently enduring their scorn and ill treatment. My heart did not at all shrink from it, but on the contrary, improved and embraced it. It has been in general a blessed day.

FEB. 25. Rose with my mind uncomfortable and unbelieving, but by prayer recovered a little of heavenly-mindedness and resignation. The whole morning passed away in business, in which God mercifully kept me in great calmness and unconcern about worldly things. Called on Dr. Milner, the Master, and Cotton, about the Mandate; the evening passed in reading Hindoostanee, during which time I wounded my conscience by not approaching God in prayer, which I foolishly delayed till a late hour. Oh, why do I suffer my heart to stay away a moment from God, the fountain of living waters? why do I not fear him who hath power to cast both soul and body into hell? How much do 1 want to have the fear of God before my eyes!

FEB. 2G. Began to meditate after breakfast, on Ileb. xi. — 10, with some pleasure, as it has generally been a blessed subject; but I made little advance. In my walk — , and continued with him till dinner. My heart burned with pain and vexation at his pernicious errors. I talked very plainly, and with a full heart, of the freeness of the gospel salvation. I pray God he may be enlightened to perceive it. Though I was very warm, I said nothing that I am aware of that could offend him, or that appeared to do it. hi the afternoon went to see a poor young woman, who, after a life of sin, appears to be now in a dying state, though only seventeen; she was in too much pain to attend to me much, and so I withdrew, affected almost to tears, partly IVom pity to her, but more from a sense of the grace of God, and the preciousness of that gospel committed to my trust. With my pupil in our worldly studies, I had that same turn of mind I so often fall into with him; a quarter of an hour’s prayer after this hardly restored my mind to a proper tone.

FEB. 27. Nothing will compensate for the want of close walking with God, and private fervent prayer. Was much enlivened and cheered by Christian company, yet my soul thirsteth after the living God. At night in prayer, I had much tenderness and contrition of spirit; how I longed to have it always as I ought! I groaned, because I was in a body which kept my soul from God, and constantly hurried my thoughts from him to earth. Went to bed with fervent desires for grace, and deliverance from the bondage of corruption.

FEB. 28. Going out, as I thought, to enjoy the presence

of God, I met with, with whom I was obliged to walk,

his head so full of the senate-house business, as to be incapable of attending to anything on religion. It sometimes surprises me, that I am sent by Providence into situations where my thoughts are necessarily called down to earth, without any good to myself or others. But these things are for the trial of faith.

MARCH 3. (Sunday.) Preached on Matt. vii. 13, 14, to a large congregation, but though I was plain enough, there was little impression on the people. Alas, do I think that any good can be done without very fervent prayer for their poor souls? In my ride home, I labored to see the necessity of patient continuance in well-doing, and if even for many years I should see no fruit, not to relax my labors. It was a comfort to me again, to reflect that my business and pleasure were quite independent of outward things. Though people should despise my preaching, and God should leave his servant without any seals to his ministry, yet still my great business was not at all let, i. e. the sanctification of my own soul. At night enjoyed much of the comfort of God in my soul at church. The account of Mr. Wilberforce’s having lost the motion for the abolition of the Slave Trade, together with reflections on the pride and sins of this place, affected me deeply to-night. I longed to pour forth my complaint to God, and began with much fervor, but was interrupted. Oh, our guilty land, shall not God visit for these things? shall nnt God be avenged on such a nation as this? The pride, infidelity, and abominations of this land, seem to show it ripe for destruction, so that I expect God will soon put in the sickle and reap.

Restored from a scan of the 1851 edition, with page headers and numbers removed and words rejoined across line breaks. Scan-derived text, still being proofread; compare the original scan before quoting.