March 1805 – June 1805

March 4. In morning prayer had a solemn season of reverence and submission to God. I seemed to have no wish in my heart, but that God may be glorified; as it was a comfort to me to reflect, that he will be glorified. In my walk I prayed continually, that I might be kept by the power of God in a sedate and sober frame. If people are not satisfied with my conduct, I have nothing to do, but to leave my record with God, before whom, HE is witness, I desire to walk with perfect strictness and uprightness. It is plain from the observations of others, that I am grown more proud. Oh, I long to have a time of humiliation, that I may be able to abase myself in tears, on account of the pride and hardness of my heart.

MARCH 5. Passed much of the earlier part of the morning in prayer, which I greatly needed, and enjoyed a solemn and spiritual frame. After dinner again in prayer, and was helped to be serious. Oh, how blessed is it to be solemn and serious. A foretaste of the calm of heaven!

Preparation for leaving any place is very affecting; after a few more stages, the journey of life will be ended. Amen! I feel attachment to the present scene, though my mind is so continually distracted by it.

MARCH 6. Went to London; found it very difficult to pray, or keep my mind right in the journey. I thought it my duty to try and instruct the coachmen, as there was no other person outside. One was a furious and abandoned character; he seemed a little affected and humbled, but the more sober one had learned to affect infidelity.

MARCH 7. After some difficulty attained somewhat of a happy spiritual frame, finding the presence of God in secret prayer. Stopped some time at the gate of St. James’s, to see the nobility go to court; was much affected with melancholy, at seeing such a glare of finery on poor old shrivelled people, fit only to be shrouded in a coffin. What a transition will

take place at death! Spent the evening at Mr. G ’s,

and recollected with shame, that I had introduced no religious remark, though 1 might have done it, and seemed more anxious to please men than God. Came away full of grief and shame, but this pain did not last long; oh, the mercy of God in not forsaking me entirely!

MARCH 8. Went to Dr. Gilchrist, and received some in structions from him respecting the pronunciation of Hindoostanee. Afterwards went with Mr. Grant to the India House; he said he had no doubt I should be nominated time enough to go out by this fleet.

MARCH 9. The importance of my ministerial work was much on my mind this afternoon, and the godly conversation of Mr. Bates on the subject much assisted these thoughts.

MARCH 10. (Sunday.) The want of sufficient private prayer was very hurtful to my soul, and comfort; arrived at the Chapel Royal at St. James’s, a quarter before eight. I found my hard heart melting a little at the confessional parts; the sermon was preached by Dr. Judd, on the importance of eternity, compared with time. I was pleased and gratified with the solemnity of the subject, and the thoughts. The ordination on the whole was rather a solemn ordinance to me, far more so than my ordination at Ely, yet very little like what it ought to be, through the levity and ignorance of my heart. “Come, holy Spirit, heavenly dove,” &c. seemed to be the prayer most answered.

In the course of the day, my soul enjoyed much of God’s presence, but unhappily my eyes wandered to behold vanity; with some self denial, and pain, I determined to have nothing to do in thought with any idol, or anything that might hinder my work.

MARCH 12. Averse to morning prayer, through sinful unwatchfulness over my thoughts, and yet through the unceasing mercy of God was restored to something of a godly frame. Attended Dr. Gilchrist this morning, and read some Hindoostanee to him; on my return bought an JEschylus and Pindar, with some hesitation, as fearing I might use the money to a better purpose; but I may hope that, if ever I should find it convenient to read the poets, the Lord will sanctify these, as he has done my other studies, to the improvement of my mind, and my fitness for the public duties of the ministry. Acts xx. and 1 Thess. v. were much blessed, as they often are, to the spiritualizing of my mind.

MARCH 13. In prayer had a sort of fervor, which was destitute of true spirituality. After breakfast, for two or three hours read Hindoostanee: by foolishly delaying scriptural reading and prayer, I was called to be out some hours without being refreshed and strengthened. Went to God in great shame and sense of misery, as soon as I got home, for all the levity and unprofitableness of my conversation: this was beneficial to me, as I was more near to God all the rest of the day.

MARCH 14. Went down to Cambridge. On the road had two or three seasons of prayer, with the presence of God: the latter part of the way I had an opportunity of declaring the awful truths of scripture, to some gay men on the top of the coach. On my arrival I felt happy in communion with God.

MARCH 15. In prayer seemed to get little good, but in looking up to God for his sure mercy, that he would revive my soul, and keep me near him, I found returning peace. Sat with Mr.; I explained my motives with all sincerity, but in vain. So impossible is it to approve myself to men universally; but oh, while my record is on high, while I desire the heart-searching God should be privy to my thoughts, and direct my conduct, it matters little if men condemn. sat with me some time; I found less satis faction in his views than ever. His evil seems to be, if any thing can be so called, and excess of charity; yet withal, he is deeply humble and serious; and to his direction, under God, 1 owe it, that I am not now a worldling. We parted as for ever. God bless him, and preserve him to his heavenly kingdom!

MARCH 16. Went to London: at times I was engaged in prayer with some fervor, and then I was happy; nearness to God diffused a sweet peace over my mind. But the greater part of the time, slothfulness prevailed to keep me from effectual fervent prayer.

MARCH 17. (Sunday.) I preached on 1 Tim. i. 15. The subject was soothing to my own disordered spirit, and some old people seemed much affected. After church I obtained a little time for prayer, but not enough to attain to much spirituality. After dinner, my soul dre.w near to God, and breathed freely forth to him holy desires.

MARCH 18. At night, in prayer, I longed to forget the world, and to be swallowed up in entire devotion to God, to live always unto him, and went to bed so happy and peaceful in this frame, that I felt very sorry that sleep would interrupt it, and would be likely to leave me in a different state in the morning.

MARCH 19. I prayed very earnestly that I might be kept from that levity into which I fell so repeatedly in the course of the day. Employed in Hindoostanee, till I went to Gilchrist. I was jejune for want of reading and prayer; but the Lord helped me to check and restrain the babbling tongue. Found the presence of God again, both before and after dinner, in prayer; but this seems to me to be merely keeping my ground without advancing. Oh may the Lord keep me safe, amid the dangers which surround me! I must have double watchfulness to employ my time and thoughts well, now I am drawn from college retirement.

MARCH 20. Walked out into the city with tolerable peace of mind, leaving it with the Lord to help and instruct his wretched creature in holy things, in which my shallow knowledge might well make me to be ashamed and tremble to try to teach others. Most of the rest of the evening I was writing more freely; and one half hour particularly, my spirit got disentangled from its sin and misery, and enjoyed the presence of God in prayer.

MARCH 21. On my mentioning to Gilchrist my desire of translating some of the scriptures with him, he advised me by all means to desist, till I knew much more of the language, by having resided some years in the country. He said it was the rock on which missionaries had split, that they had attempted to write and preach, before they knew the language. The Lord’s prayer, he said, was now a common subject of ridicule with the people, on account of the man ner in which it had been translated. All these are useful hints to me.

MARCH 22. Meditation on Acts xx. seemed to form my mind to blessed spirituality. Read Benson’s “Life of Mr. Fletcher,” and seemed to enter a little into the spirit of that extraordinary man. I longed that all the powers of the soul might be awakened to praise and adore God. Called on, and felt much hurt at his late neglect; a sense of unkind ness pained me. Why do I look even to saints for my happiness? they are able to wound the feelings of their brethren even as others. But there is one who sticketh closer than a brother. Oh that I may love Christ more! What can the world give me in comparison of him 1 while I have him for my friend and portion, and a bright eternity in view, let me be contented to be slighted, scorned, and cast out by all men.

MARCH 23. My thoughts were far from being spiritual, yet from fatigue, with so much intercourse with the world, and so little with God, my spirit rose easily, without effort almost, to heaven, seeking repose.

MARCH 24. At home, it pleased God, in the riches of his grace, to manifest his love to me, the chief of sinners, in private prayer; so gracious is God in his ways, and sovereign in all he does. AVhen I could least of all have expected it for my unprofitableness, then he visited my soul. Oh how shall this soul ever acknowledge the mercy, the astonishing grace of God!

MARCH 25. Through the cold keeping my body in an uncomfortable state, I was little disposed to stir myself to communion with God. But alas, this is little of exercise for a missionary life.

MARCH 26. In prayer was able to feel somewhat of my misery and corruption, by nature and practice. Oh the per feet, the unceasing, the undeviating service that ought to be rendered to God! but I am doing scarcely anything.

MARCH 27. Trifled a good deal to-day. Oh how do I long for a right state, when my soul shall for ever glorify God in the perfection of holiness! May the Lord mercifully pour out his Spirit on me, that I may weep for myself, and the people round me, and be able to leave the distracting vanities which unfit my mind for profitable exercises, to live in unceasing communion with God!

MARCH 29. Walked with B in a vain, trifling, uneasy

frame. But I could not stay in this frame long, and found the benefit of prayer in delivering me from it. Endeavored to prepare myself by communion with God for the company I was going into. After dinner I had a good deal of con-

1805.] OF THE REV. JIENRY MARTIN. 185

versation with, and had an opportunity of declaring

many important religious truths. Yet I came away grieved, as I could not but be, at the sluggishness and want of zeal in me, as well as at the general infidelity and scorn of religion in the higher circles of society. At night found the evil consequences of such a life as I have been leading of late, and the general want of solitude; for there was a manifest strangeness in my thoughts to eternal things; but through the rich mercy of God my heart is heavenward. The more I see of grandeur, the more I am disgusted with it; I cannot help shuddering at their neglect of God, and scorn of the gospel, For any thing I have seen yet, in this woald, I would prefer all the hardships of the missionary life, to all its pleasures.

MARCH 30. The whole morning passed away in going to different places, but I have seldom enjoyed more richly the presence of God. The words,” Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God,’* were continually on my mind, I was conscious I knew little or nothing of this sight of God, and yet it was certain, that if my heart were pure, I should experience the blessedness of it. I did strive a little against the impurity of my heart, by excluding improper thoughts. To keep the heart clean is a hard matter indeed, and what I know very little about; it requires more labor, care, and self-denial, than my flesh can easily submit to.

In the evening was preparing some sermons for to-morrow. Oh that I may, according to my prayer, never trifle with the awful work of addressing men’s souls, nor preach the grace of the gospel only to excite a transient pleasure in people, but in the humble hope that God will glorify himself by applying it to the conversion of sinners! Oh that I could forget self entirely, and give all honor and glory to God, even as I hope to do in heaven!

MARCH 31. In the interval between morning and after noon service I prayed and prepared myself a little; but the world, and a regard to the opinions of people, seemed to bind down my miserable spirit. Read and preached in the afternoon, on John iv. 10. Mr. Cecil said a great deal to me on the necessity of gaining the attention of the people, of preaching with more warmth and earnestness. I feel wounded a little at finding myself to have failed in so many things; yet I succeeded in coming down to the dust, and received gladly the kind advice of wise friends. At night 1 was rather discouraged, thinking I should do no better; yet my soul had more of the holy presence of God, and I went into the pulpit with composure and more concern for immortal souls than in general. There was great attention.

“What danger am I in from public ministrations! Oh that I could still be alone in private with God, even when speaking in public!

APRIL 1. Had much solemnity brought on, seemingly by repeating the 20th of Acts, as soon as I awoke. The effect of that passage is truly astonishing. I had intended to devote this morning to prayer, but I went out after breakfast, and was absent six hours about my business. Went to Lord Hawkesbury’s office; but being too early, I went into St. James’s Park, and sat down on a bench to read my Bible. After a little time a person came and sat on the same bench. 1 found he had known better days. He was about seventy years of age, and of a very passionate and disappointed spirit. He spoke sensibly on several subjects, and was acquainted with the gospel, but was offended at my reminding him of several things concerning it.

APRIL 2. Breakfasted with. Our conversation wTas

on the most delightful subject to me, the spread of the gospel in future ages. I went away animated and happy. In prayer at night my soul panted after God, and longed to be entirely conformed to his image.

APRIL 3. After dinner passed some time in prayer, and rejoiced to think that God would finally glorify himself, what ever hindrance may arise for a time. I found that the chaplaincies had been agreed to, after two hours debate, and some obloquy thrown upon Mr. Grant by the chairman, for his connection with Mr. Wilberforce, and those people. Mr. G. said that I should appear before the court in a couple of days in my canonicals. I must attend to my appearance, as I should be much remarked, on account of the person who had nominated me. I feel this will be a trial to me, which I would never submit to for gain, but I rejoice that it will be for my dear and blessed Lord.

APRIL 4. Went down to Cambridge; by being stirred up every now and then to meditate and pray, I was enabled to pass the hours of travelling- with contentment. At night was at church, when almost for the first time I observed Mr. Simeon’s manner, and conceived great admiration of him as a preacher. Supped with him alone afterwards; he prayed before I went away, and my heart was solemnly affected.

APRIL 6. Passed most of the morning in the fellows’ garden; it was the last time I visited this favorite retreat, where I have often enjoyed the presence of God.

APRIL Y. (Sunday.) Preached at Lol worth on Prov. xxii. 1 7; very few seemed affected at my leaving them, and those chiefly women. An old farmer of a neighboring parish, as he was taking leave of me, turned aside to shed tears; this affected me more than anything. Rode away with my heart heavy, partly at my own corruption, partly at the thoughts of leaving this place in such general hardness of heart. Yet so it hath pleased God, I hope, to reserve them for a more faithful minister. Prayed over the whole of my sermon for the evening, and when I came to preach it, God assisted me beyond my hopes. Most of the younger people seemed to be in tears. The text was 2 Sam. vii. 28, 29. Took leave of Dr. Milner: he was much affected, and said himself his heart was full. Mr. Simeon commended me to God in prayer, in which he pleaded, among’ other things, for a richer blessing on my soul. He perceives that I want it, and so do I. Professor Farish walked home with me to the college-gate, and there I parted from him with no small sorrow.

APIUL 8. My young friends in the university, who have scarcely left me a moment to myself, were with me this morning as soon as I was moving, leaving me no time for prayer. My mind was very solemn, and I wished much to be k-ft alone. A great many accompanied me to the coach, which took me up at the end of the town; it was a thick misty morning, so that the university, with its towers and spires, was out of sight in an instant.

APIUL 10. Grieved at night that I could not serve God better. 0 Lord, have mercy on thy creature; stir him up to live by faith, to fight the good fight of faith, to be diligent in pleading with God for his grace, and using the means of improvement.

APRIL 12. Rose early, as it was Good Friday, and passed above an hour in prayer with great benefit. I was led to pray for humility, and a tender spirit, which God gave; thus I find every degree of diligence is rewarded. Many little slights to-day, and the consequences of my own ignorance, tended to humble me, and I desired it should be so, for in no state is my soul so safe and happy.

APRIL 15. I grieved that I have never served God in any manner that might not cover me with confusion, and do desire that God’s service may be my all in all for ever. I have a promise, that they who seek shall find; that though I can not have my faculties altered, and in that respect must remain inferior to many, yet in piety I may grow richly and largely, and without any bounds. Oh that I was in earnest for eternity! oh, may God confirm my feeble resolutions!

APRIL 17. I continued in prayer nearly an hour; my folly and lukewarmness were brought home to my view, and I was grieved at thinking how the people of God might have been encouraged in carelessness, by seeing me, honored with the name of a missionary, so carnal. Oh, may I, according to my prayer, be kept holy during my few days in England, and then go forth to be more alone with God than ever! With the fear of God, and a broken spirit, all things are in right order in my mind; may that be my state for ever!

APRIL 22. Walked a good while with S; the great

difference in his worldly circumstances and mine, led to many reflections, which at first rather depressed me; not because I wished to change my condition, but because others seemed to pity me, and so I thought often-time it was a state of little comfort; but is it not more happy and glorious to live, to do as much as possible for God, than to sit down to please my self? “Blessed are the pure in heart,” &c., was an occasion of some delight to my soul, as I went along the streets.

APRIL 23. Went to Mr. Cecil’s this morning, and received some instructions from him, on the manner of writing to effect; soon after met with Mr. Grant, and felt much affected with his kindness.

APRIL 24. Oh may I live indeed a more spiritual life of faith! Prayed that I might obtain a more deep acquaintance with the mysteries of the gospel, and the offices of Christ; my soul was solemnized. Found from Mr. Grant that I was that day appointed a chaplain to the East India Company; but that my particular destination would depend on the government in India; rather may I say that it depends on the will of my God, who in his own time thus brings things to pass. Oh now let my heart be spiritualized; that the glorious and arduous work before me may fill all my soul, and stir me up to prayer.

APRIL 25. Breakfasted with the venerable Mr. Newton, who made several striking remarks in reference to my work.

He said lie had heard of a clever gardener, who would sow the seeds when the meat was put down to roast, and engaged to produce a salad by the time it was ready; but the Lord did not sow oaks in this way. On my saying that perhaps I should never live to see much fruit, he answered, I should have a bird’s-eye view of it, which would be better. When I spoke of the opposition that I should be likely to meet with, lie said, he supposed Satan would not love me for what I was about to do. The old man prayed afterwards with sweet simplicity. Drank tea at C. Our hearts seemed full of the joy which comes from the communion of saints.

APRIL 20. Met D at Mr. Grant’s, and was much affected at some marks of love expressed by the people at Cambridge, at the time of my leaving them; he said, that as I was going clown the aisle, they all rose up to take their last view.

APHIL 28. Went to Mr. Cecil’s to tea: he was very striking as usual in his observations, and I sat contented to be despised, as I deserve; saying nothing to the purpose, though under all this there was much pride lurkino-. At night read. Mr. C.. preached on “godly sorrow worketh repentance,” <kc. It was a most able sermon, powerfully engaged the attention, and yet I cannot say my feelings are devoutly affected by this sort of preaching; at night, at home I enjoyed peace and comfort, and our conversation was pleasant and profitable.

APRIL 29. Rose in much dejection; fearing that I should never be of use in the ministry, and moreover that I should prove an unsteady character in India, for I find the seed of a roving temper in me; yet in prayer I was brought to trust in the Lord, to commit my way unto him, to feel that now was the time to rejoice in faith, when the cloudy and dark day was coming. Some of the promises in Isaiah were unspeakably rich. When I get near to God without any particular diligence, I suppose some one has been praying for me. At night, in the midst of great lukewarmness, grace was often in exercise, teaching me to delight in the prospect of serving God, and the permission of being with him, cominoto him, and receiving, out of the fulness of Christ, “grace for grace.”

MAY 2. Went down to Mitcham; the noise, and carriages,

o ’

and people in the streets, had no power to divert my attention; for I was determined to be in earnest. At nk/ht, in

O”

my room, read Timothy with deep anxiety; could have gladly stayed up all night, reading and praying, in the views of the work of the ministry, and my want of preparation for it. Retired to bed in a devoted spirit. Yes, though the flesh is necessarily lulling me with sloth, though I must truly say that my flesh is full of all iniquity, — my heart acknowledges no love but that of God; I could not, I would not be happy, without being altogether his, and employed in his service forever.

MAY 3. Rose in much the same spirit; there was nothing on earth that seemed worth my notice one moment, but laboring for the salvation of precious souls. Walked a little in the grounds, and had much sober joy in the prospect of the time when the wilderness should be made like Eden. Through neglect of retirement for prayer, my mind was in its natural state, and consequently much pained at night. Ah! my soul, is this the life of Brainerd? Oh let me learn from all my joys, arid all my sorrows, that keeping close to God is the path of peace!

MAY 4. Waited this morning on the Archbishop of Canterbury at Lambeth Palace. He had learnt from somebody my circumstances, the degree I had taken, and my object in going to India. He spoke much on the importance of the work, the small ecclesiastical establishment for so great a body of people, and the state of those English there, who, he said, “called themselves Christians.” He was throughout very civil, and wished me all the success I desired. I then proceeded to the India House, and received directions to attend on Wednesday to be sworn in. Afterwards walked to Mr. Wilbcrforce’s at Broomtield, and was much restored and refreshed by learning and thrnking on Ephesians. The circumstance of leaving my friends at night, brought Acts xx. to my mind, and I continued thinking of it with great solemnity and sweet tranquillity, and desire to be the servant of the Lord.

MAY 8. Morning passed in writing sermon, and reading Mr. Grant’s book. The state of the natives, and the prospects of doing good there, the character of S wartz, &c., set forth in it, much impressed my mind; and I found great satisfaction, in pleading for the fulfilment of God’s promises to the heathen. It seemed painful to think of myself at all, except in reference to the Church of Christ. Being some what in danger of distraction this evening, from many concurrent circumstances, I found a- very short prayer answered by my. being kept steady. Heard from Mr. Parry this evening, that in consequence of an embargo laid on all the ships by government, on account of the sailing of the French and Spanish fleets, I should not be able to go before the middle of June, if so soon. Thus it has pleased God once more to detain me. What his design is, time will show; whatever it is, let me rejoice in thinking it will be entirely for the best.

MAY 9. Thought myself bound to change the subject of my sermon for Sunday, in consequence of Mr. Simeon’s tell ing me I had mistaken the meaning of it; at first I was reluctant, after having done so much; but I felt that I could not dare to expect the blessing or assistance of the Holy Ghost, if I wilfully perverted his meaning. By reading and prayer my mind was more steady and serious than on other mornings: after dinner, took up the epistle to the Corinthians, and was affected with solemnity, by its spiritual truths.

MAY 10, Heard Mr. Thompson preach a missionary sermon to a large congregation. The pride of being an important personage in the assembly, being a missionary, was as much as I could keep in subjection. In prayer afterwards, found benefit to my soul, and was assisted in my walk to

meditate on the subject. Passed the evening with and

, thinking it would be the last time 1 should see them,

but the time passed in the most unprofitable manner. This way of living is grievous to me; I want more solitude, more long and heart-searching communion with God.

MAY 12. (Sunday.) In the afternoon, preached a sermon for the children of a charity school, on Luke xi. 11-13. Mr. Cecil told me he had heard I had been preaching excellently. Mr. B. told me the sermon was very miserable: he observed a total want of animation and action. These remarks I was once foolish enough to feel hurt at, but now I see much cause to bless the Lord that he hath placed me for a time in London, where so many friends are endeavoring to correct me. Drank tea at Lady Catharine Murray’s. Our conversation at night was on important subjects, and my soul seemed to be very near the enjoyment of these things; but my disorder made the effect, which these joyous thoughts have on my frame of body, too painful to be borne. I feel encouraged to make every effort both in body and mind, in order to become an able minister of the New Testament. Blessed be God for it, this is one of the benefits of my delay in England; the settlement of my dear sister is another comfort attending it.

MAY 13. I read Flavel’s Method of Grace; went out

without reading any of the word of God in private. The

consequence was, that my thoughts were vain and idle, in

my walk, and I returned unhappy, and unfit for communion with God. At night saw the necessity of being roused to my duty. If I spare the flesh, and take so little pains as I have been doing, God will hide his face. I made holy resolutions, the Lord help me to keep them. Matt. x. xxiv. and xxv., and 2 Tim. were awful warnings to my soul. Oh! how base is my lukewarmness — Oh! may Christ patiently bear with all my infirmities, and heal my backslidings, and help me to pour forth my very body and soul in fervent labors exerted in his beloved service! Amen.

MAY 15. Read prayers at Mr. Newton’s, and preached on Ephes. ii. 19 — 21. The clerk threw out very disrespectful and even uncivil things respecting my going to India, Though I thought the asperity and contemptuousness he manifested unsuitable to his profession, I felt happy in the comfortable assurance of being upright in my intentions. The sermon was much praised by some people coming in; but happily this gives me little satisfaction. Went home and read a sermon of Flavel’s, on knowing nothing but Christ. I was made sensible of my extreme ignorance of gospel mysteries, and on my knees implored that the Spirit of God would instruct me. My heart was also in heaviness through the rising of corruption, and seemed unwilling to part with the world and its enjoyments, and be separated from my dear friends, and left alone with God. All these evils I spread before the Lord in prayer, and obtained some relief and comfort. In the evening read for Mr. Cecil, who preached in a most striking manner, on Rev. iii. 21. I was encouraged to determine to fight, but oh, what pride and hardness of heart, and forgetfulness of God, have I to recollect this day!

MAY 17. Found myself unable to write on any subject; was a little revived by learning Isaiah xl, but was sinking again into a cold state, when through the mercy of God I took the alarm at my idleness and negligence of duties, and prayed with humility and fervor. Walked out and continued in earnest striving with my corruption. I made a covenant with my eyes, which I kept strictly; though I was astonished to find the difficulty I had in doing even this. I continued in humiliation and prayer, especially that God would vouchsafe to teach me the mysteries of redemption, and help me to find out in what manner sinners should be addressed. In this state, though there was much pain and sorrow, even to tears, and though I felt dreadful opposition in the flesh, I felt it was a right work, the Spirit striving against the flesh, and I mourned to think how soon it would pass away. The sight I had of my corruption, and the extreme difficulty of fixing the soul towards God, impressed this text deeply on me — “With men it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Read some of the chapters of the Revelation, with much of the blessing and presence of God. I was deeply affected with divine things.

MAY 19. (Sunday.) Towards night many things occurred to bring down my pride very low. Mr. Cecil preached on 1 Thess. iii. 8. I was affected even to tears at reflecting that God had not caused any such connection to exist between me and my people; it seemed as if people heard me as though they heard not. But my soul breathed fervently for grace, to perceive the infinite value of immortal souls, and to labor incessantly for them in prayer; hearing afterwards something said in praise of me, I lost a good deal of this humility and spiritual comfort; still found myself quickened and edified by the word of God at night.

MAY 20. Oh how merciful has God been in fixing me in necessary duty, as at Cambridge, without which I should certainly have given way to sloth! It appeared very painful to me at the time, but I now feel the benefit. Yet now I am treacherous to God; hard it is for me to stir myself up to spirituality and diligence in duty, when no outward ministration demands it. Oh, what a living after the flesh is this!

MAY 21. Almost all my prayers arc now with reference to the ministry. Read and prayed over John xv. before I went out, and forced my thoughts to continue more sober. Mr. Cecil called to-day, and spoke with his usual force on the work of the ministry, particularly on the necessity of seclusion from company. Let me remember Matthew xxiv. I read it, and well might I tremble. My soul is astonished, and confounded at itself, that it is not swallowed up in the immensity of the ministerial work.

MAY 22. Endeavored to guard my thoughts this morning in a more particular manner, as expecting to pass it with Sargent, in prayer for assistance in the ministry. Called at Mr. Wilberforce’s, when I met Mr. Babington. The extreme kindness and cordiality of these two was very pleasing to me, though rather elating. Learnt that two young men of Chesterton had come forward, who professed to have been awakened by a sermon of mine on Psalm ix. 17. I was not so affected with gratitude and joy as I expected to be; could not easily ascribe the glory to God; yet I will bless him through all my ignorance, that he has thus owned the ministry of one so weak. Oh, may I have faith to go onward, expecting to see miracles wrought by the foolishness of preaching! After dinner went to the India House to take

leave. Mr., the other chaplain, sat with me before we

were called in, and I found that I knew a little of him, have ing been at his house. As he knew my character, I spoke very freely to him on the subject of religion. Was called in to take the oaths; Mr. Grant, in the chair, addressed a charge to us extempore. One thing struck my attention, which was, that he warned us of the enervating effects of the climate. In the evening heard Mr. Crowther preach.

mentioned Mr. - - as an alarming instance of the

effect of Indian climate and manners; he went out with zeal, but had lost it all. This dwelt very much on my mind all the rest of the evening. The sense of my very great danger made me feel a sort of guilt, as if I had fallen already. Prayed with nearness to God when I got home, both in reference to the sermon I had heard, and my own case.

MAY 23. Humbled this morning at thought of my waste of time, and self-indulgence. As I walked, my soul was full of holy ardor, to war a good warfare, and to trample sin and

Satan under feet. My interview with was such as hurt

my feelings. My mind was ruminating on the ways of the world. How much of them is seen in the people of God I Went home, and found comfort in prayer.

MAY 25. Fervent in prayer for usefulness in the ministry. In the streets, in my walk, my heart, in some dejection, seemed at times to triumph over difficulty and every snare, in the power and strength of Christ. Spent the evening with Mr. Atkinson. The conversation was highly spiritual and profitable, and encouraging to me.

MAY 26. (Sunday.) At night, after evening service, employed the time in reading and prayer. The Lord vouchsafed his presence in prayer. And in reading Isaiah, I was delighted with the promises respecting the church. The occasional displays in Isaiah of the greatness of God rather kept my heart at a distance, though in other parts I found texts that encouraged me.

MAY 27. Lost much of my comfort by following my own will in my studies and employments this morning, instead of a punctual observance of the order of duty. Read 2 Tim. i. 1 1, but could not find that spirituality come from it, which I often have. I need the spirit of fear, that I may serve God with reverence. However, in the evening, it pleased the Lord to suffer me to draw near him in prayer. My soul had a solemn season. I could look clearly and steadily through the whole of life, and feel myself at the end of it; and thus pray with enlargement respecting the different dangers I suspected might lie in my way. Read Flavel’s Sermons with much profit, and studied a subject for Sunday next.

MAY 29. It pleased God to keep my heart right this morning, though yesterday and this morning I had so little regularity in secret duties. Read Isaiah li. and liii. and found it very solemnizing to my soul. I desired to follow Christ

in his humiliation. ’s want of sobriety and lowliness is

very hurtful to me, and so is also the corruption of my sinful heart.

MAY. 30. Rose with a great deal of a vain spirit, but the mercy of God restored me. Went to the India House. Kept the covenant with my eyes pretty well. Oh what bitter ex perience have I had to teach me carefulness against temptation! I have found this method, which I have sometimes had recourse to, useful to-day; namely, that of praying in ejaculations for any particular p.-son, whose appearance might prove an occasion of sinful thoughts. After asking of God, that she might be as pure and beautiful in her mind and heart as in body, and be a temple of the Holy Ghost, consecrated to the service of God, for whose glory she was made, I dare not harbor a thought of an opposite tendency. About the middle of the day I felt exceedingly melancholy at my unprofitableness; and prayer and determination to be more diligent could not remove it. After dinner began to think on subject for sermon with great fervency of spirit, and wrote very slowly all the rest of the evening. Yet this continuance of employment left me much relieved and refreshed. Now this is astonishing to me, — that repeated, daily, invariable experience assures me of the connection God has made between diligence and delight, holiness and happiness; and yet I am so neglectful of what I know to be the means.

MAY 31. Met with my captain, who told me that two-thirds of his cargo was aboard, but the embargo was not taken off. How uncertain is the time of our departure! It is the Lord that orders all things. He will scatter the French and Spanish fleets with his storms, rather than that his gos pel should not be preached among the heathen, if he so design it. Of how little consequence in his eyes are all these political movements, except as in subserviency to the gathering in his elect! In the evening wrote sermon, my mind being generally happy and serious: two things, I sometimes thought, divided my mind; to live upon earth some time longer to preach Christ among the heathen, or to depart and be with him; though I could not but feel the latter would be far better.