June 1805 – August 1805
June 1. I am now come to that month, the end of which, I should think, I shall not see in England. My departure from my friends, and my deprivation of the sweetest delight in society, forever in this life, have rather dejected me to-day. Ah! nature, Ihou hast still tears to shed for thyself! My mind was peculiarly solemn, and had several affecting seasons in prayer to the Spirit for assistance. And I remember that this time last year, when I was preparing for Whitsunday, and led in some manner to pray to the Spirit, my soul was more than ordinarily impressed. I seem to be hankering after something or other in this world, though I am sure I could not say there is anything which I believed could give me happiness. No! it is in God alone. Memory has been at work to unnerve my soul; but reason, and honor, and love to Christ and to souls, shall prevail. Amen. God help me!
JUNE 2. (Sunday.) In the afternoon, read and preached on John xvi. 8. “He shall convince the world of sin.” There was great attention, and my own spirit was animated; but I had not the precious thoughts which came into my mind occasionally yesterday and to-day; namely, thoughts of the value of souls and the power of God, which would make preaching efficacious, and thoughts of simply approving my self unto God, in the near view of eternity, unconcerned and deaf to all human things; and fixedness of mind on the great end of my ministry. At home, sat and meditated and praypd, for I was too fatigued to kneel; truly I have tasted of the world, and never found it satisfy me, though I am still foolish enough to try it, My dear Redeemer is a fountain of life to my soul. Oh that I may from this time be his, and be encouraged by his kind promises, and walk in his love, under the guidance and influence of the blessed Spirit!
JUNE 3. Went to the Eclectic, where there were nine ministers besides myself. The subject was, symptoms of the
state of the nation. Mr. Cecil spoke admirably, Mr. F,
Mr- P and Mr. Simons also very well. Towards the
end, the subject of marriage, somehow or other, came to be mentioned. Mr. Cecil spoke, very freely and strongly on the subject. He said I should be acting like a madman if I went out unmarried. A wife would supply by her comfort and counsel the entire want of society, and also be a preservation both to character and passions amidst such scenes. I am utterly at a loss to know what is best for the interests of the Gospel. But happily my own peace is not much concerned in it. If this opinion of so many pious clergymen had come across me when I was in Cornwall, and so strongly attached to my beloved Lydia, it would have been a conflict indeed in my heart to oppose so many arguments. I hope I am not seeking an excuse for marriage, nor persuading myself I am indifferent about it, in order that what is really my inclination may appear to be the will of God. But I feel my affections kindling to their wonted fondness, while I dwell on the circumstances of an union with Lydia. May the Lord teach his weak creature to live peacefully and soberly in his love, drawing all my joys from him, the fountain of living waters!
JUNE 4. The subject of marriage made me thoughtful and serious. Mr. Atkinson, whose opinion I revere, was against ray marrying. Found near access to my God in prayer. Oh what a comfort it is to have God to go to! I breathed freely to him my sorrows and cares, and set about my work with diligence. The Lord assisted me very much, and I wrote more freely than ever 1 did.
JUNE 5. Corrie breakfasted with me, and went to prayer; I rejoiced to find he was not unwilling to go to India. He will probably be my fellow-laborer. Most of this morning was employed in writing all my sentiments on the subject of marriage to Mr. Simeon. May the Lord suggest something to him, which may be of use to guide me, and keep my eye single! In my walk out and afterwards, the subject was constantly on my mind. But alas! I did not guard against that distraction from heavenly things, which I was aware it would occasion. On reflection at home, I found I had been talking in a very inconsistent manner. But was again restored to peace by an application to Christ’s blood through the Spirit.
JUNE 6. God’s interference in supporting me continually, appears to me like a miracle. With this subject of so great importance on my mind, involving such doubt and uncertainty, he keeps me surprisingly composed, and assists me
wonderfully in my work. In my walk met Mr. H, and
was much relieved by his kind manner. How many temptations are there in the streets of London! Returned home with a distaste for everything, but by prayer over the 3rd and 4th of Ephesians, my soul was restored both to elasticity and comfortable seriousness. Dined at, with Mr.
V., a Dutch gentleman, whose Christian simplicity and good sense delights me beyond measure. He described his con version as having taken place at Bourdeaux, on his return home from Spain. He knew Dr. Vanderkemp. As we conversed about spiritual tilings, our hearts burned within us. I was delighted to hear the same truths lisped in foreign accents. My mind seems very active this week; manifestly indeed strengthened by God to be enabled to write on religious subjects with such unusual ease, while it is also full of this important business of the marriage. My inclination continues, I think, far more unbiassed than when I wrote to Mr. Simeon.
JUNE 7. Oh, the subtilty of the Devil, and the deceitfulness of this corrupted heart. How has an idol been imperceptibly raised up in it! Something fell from Dr. F. this evening against my marriage, which struck me so forcibly, though there was nothing particular in it, that I began to see I should finally give up all thoughts about it. But how great the conflict! I could not have believed it had such hold on my affections. Before this I had been writing in tolerable tranquillity, and walked out in the enjoyment of a resigned mind, even rejoicing for the most part in God, and dined at Mr. Cecil’s, where the arguments I heard were all in
favor of the flesh, and so I was pleased; but Dr. F ’s
words gave a new turn to my thoughts, and the tumult showed me the true state of my heart. How miserable did life appear, without the hope of Lydia! Oh, how has the discussion of the subject opened all my wounds afresh!
JUNE 8. My mind continued in much the same state this morning, waiting with no small anxiety for a letter from Mr. Simeon, hoping of course that the will of God would coincide with my will, yet thinking the determination of the question would be indifferent to me. When the letter arrived, I was immediately convinced, beyond all doubt, of the expediency of celibacy. But my wish did not follow my judgment quite so readily. Mr. Pratt coming in, argued strongly on the other side, but there was nothing of any weight. The subject so occupied my thoughts, that I could attend to nothing else. I saw myself called to be less that ever a man of this world, and walked out with a heavy heart. Met Dr. F., who of all men could best sympathize with me; and his few words were encouraging. Yet I cannot cordially acquiesce in all the Lord’s dealings, though my reason and judgment approve them, and my inclination would desire to do it. Dined at Mr. Cecil’s, where it providentially happened that Mr. Foster came in. To them I read Mr. Simeon’s letter, and they were both convinced by it. So I went away home with nothing to do, but to get my heart easy again under this sacrifice. I devoted myself once more to the entire and everlasting service of God, and found myself more weaned from this world, and desiring the next; though not from a right principle. With all my honors and knowledge, the smiles and approbation of men, the health and prosperity that have fallen to my lot, together with that freedom from doubts and fears, with which I was formerly visited; how much have I gone through in the last two or three years, to bring my mind to be willing to do the will of God when it should be revealed! My heart is pained within me, and my bodily frame suffers from it.
JUNE 9. (Sunday.) My heart is still as a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. The Lord help me to maintain the conflict! Preached this morning at Long Acre Chapel, on Matt, xxviii. the three last verses. There was the utmost attention. In the interval between morning and afternoon, passed most of the time in reading and prayer. Read Matthew iii. and considered the character of John the Baptist. Holy emulation seemed to spring up in my mind. Then read John xvii. and last chapter, and Rev. i. all of which were blessed to my soul. I went into the church persuaded in my feelings, — which is different from being persuaded in the understanding, — that it was nobler and wiser to be as John the Baptist, Peter, John, and all the apostles, than to have my own will gratified. Preached on Eph. ii. 18. Walked a little with Mr. Grant this evening. He told me I should have great trials and temptations in India, but I knew where to apply for grace to help. I inferred from what he said, that and were but in a low state; that I must beware of sinking to their standard, and at the same time of running to an intemperate zeal. He advised me to acquire the language, customs, and mythology, by inviting the Brahmins to- come and see me. They account it an honor to be received and treated well by an European.
JUNE 10. In the evening went to; my mind wa&
melancholy, but not unhappy. The ease and elegance in which they live here gave rise to a variety of reflections; for while they were engaged in music, I was left at liberty to be looking out at the window. I felt the utmost indifferenceabout the whole of the trifles of this life. It is perhaps be cause I am cut off from the hope of Lydia; but I did perceive that a life of labor for immortal souls was better riches than all this that surrounded me. My soul was deeply impressed with the value of souls, and with the necessity of speaking seriously to the conscience. Eternity seemed near; no prospect of happiness on earth appeared in view.
JUNE 12. Discontented this morning with everything; but by prayer my spirit was a little quieted and solemnized. Poor and unprofitable .as I am, I trust that I have been brought to Christ, and have been so far changed as to find my chief pleasure in loving and serving him; but, alas! every trifle is able to distract me from him.
JUNE 14. More watchful and near the Lord, and of coursemore peace and comfort, Dr. F.’s words (who called this morning) made some impression, “The Lord be with you; and I think that he will be with you too,” Sent off my luggage, as preparatory to its going on board. Dined at Mr. Cecil’s. He endeavored to correct my reading, but in vain. “Brother M.,” says he, “you are a humble man, and would gain regard in private life; but to gain public attention you must force yourself into a more marked and expressive manaer,” Read tald wrote the remainder of the .evening. This
I observed, that when at one time I began to write without a prayer to the blessed Spirit, I found myself not stirring; but after it, was enabled to go on again. Oh may He teach me continually my dependence upon Him! Generally, to night, have 1 been above the world; Lydia and other comforts I would resign.
JUNE 17. Attended the Eclectic; Mr. Woodd, Mr. Venn, and Mr. Cecil, spoke very sensibly on the subject, — “The measure and means of happiness.” This question once occasioned me dreadful disquiet, and I was at this time led into many metaphysical inquiries, without coming at anything. My ignorance on this subject gives me trouble in this way: if I do not know what happiness is — how it is to be denned — what a visionary, baseless fabric is religion, which proposes to lead to it! On my return from them, I continued a long time in prayer to God, without peace. I thought that if religion were false, I would willingly be deceived; but I found to my pain that the mind cannot be free in this particular, it cannot choose to be deceived. However, the Lord restored my soul after a time to feel the simplicity of the gospel. I endeavored to see myself a sinner; my plain business, there fore, was not to speculate, but to obtain salvation in the shortest manner I could. Besides, as I am convinced that nothing but the gospel, whether true or false, was of any use to man, it was my business not to stay philosophizing and puzzling myself while souls were perishing; and what struck me as much as anything was, that metaphysicians, who might really discover truth, were in general poor creatures, full of pride and sin. Let me feel it to be my true wisdom to be come a child and a fool. My mind was made easy. I read Col. i. attentively, and prayed over it with great increase to my comfort.
JUNE 18. Walked to Harapstead, found myself uncomfortable through carnality of thought. By endeavoring to bend ray soul to holy meditation, and to consider the Christian life as a struggle and a warfare, I became a little easy. Oh how unhappy is life without God! The fine prospect at Hampstead rather set my ideas afloat again, and I exulted in the thought that one day the knowledge of the Lord shall cover the earth. At night enjoyed the presence of God in secret duties. The scenes of time seemed to have passed away. Went to bed in the hope that I should soon know what constant communion meant.
JUNE 23. (Sunday.) It pleased God to give me some sense of my neglect of his work, and to renew the spirit I had last night in prayer, when my soul seemed to yearn after a life of extraordinary zeal, steadiness, and spirituality in Christ’s service. Walked home from Hampstead in the evening with
the ’s. The conversation part of the way was on divine
subjects, but I endeavored to seek the presence of God as if alone. In a sorrowful and humbled frame I found it refreshing to devote myself to Christ’s service. The world and worldly things, even Lydia, appeared all indifferent. I wished for nothing here. My proper work as a minister and missionary seemed all my business, and all that was worth living for. The words of the hymn — “Jesus, at thy com mand,” <fec., were much on my mind.
London, June 24, 1805.
MY DEAR COUSIN: —
The account of your ill health, as described in your former letter, affected me even to tears. I cannot indeed expect to see you any more upon earth; yet for my dear brother’s sake, and those to whom you are immediately useful, I wish to regard the hour of your departure as far distant; but in this and every other particular that concerns us, God will act according to his infinite wisdom and love. As you are safe in the Lord Jesus, nothing need disquiet you, or us, on your account — whether life or death, all is yours. * * * * May God enable you, according to your desire, to continue walking as on the verge of eternity; looking for and hastening to the coming of the day of God! * * * * There are not many things in the world which I would withhold from you; but with respect to the sermons for which you ask, my mind must be changed before I send them. * * * * Sermons cannot be good memorials, because one read they are done with — especially a young man’s sermons, unless they possess a peculiar simplicity and spirituality, which, I need not say, are qualities not belonging to mine. I hope, how ever, that I am improving; and I trust, that now I am removed from the contagion of academic air, and am in the way of acquiring a greater knowledge of men, and of my own heart, I shall exchange my jejune scholastic style for a simple spiritual exhibition of profitable truth. Mr. Cecil has been taking a great deal of pains with me. My insipid, inanimate manner in the pulpit, he says, is intolerable. “Sir,” said he, “it is cupola-painting, not miniature, that must be the aim of a man that harangues a multitude.” Whitsunweek was a time of the utmost distress to me; but now, through the mercy of God, I am once more at peace. What cannot his power effect? The present wish of my heart is, that I may henceforth have no one thing upon earth for which I would wish to stay another hour, except it be to serve the Lord my Saviour in the work of the ministry. Pray, my dear sister, that the Lord may keep in the imaginations of the thoughts of my heart all that may be for the glory of his great name.
JUNE 25. An hour lost this morning deranged the comfort of the day. In consequence of carelessness, I was so late as to have but little time in prayer, before going to Islington; far too little to have holy impressions on my soul.
JUNE 27. Received some refreshment of spirit from prayer, and went on with a devout and steady desire to glorify God
to the utmost. Met, my fellow passenger. As I once
was, he appeared restless and unhappy for want of knowing-God.
JUNE 28. In a storm of thunder and lightning, I felt safe in the mercy of God, and rejoiced at this display of his greatness. Oh what a great God do sinners harden themselves against! Sat for my miniature to a female painter; during the whole time she disputed against religion. I answered all her arguments, and explained the gospel as well as I could.
JUNE 29. Diligently employed all clay, and was greatly assisted to get my work finished at night. The constant employment in divine things to-day has tired rny body, but refreshed my soul. 0 what a pity it is, that one vile earthly thought should come, where spiritual and heavenly ones ought to be! I should like to be ever engaged in thinking of God and eternity. But soon shall I be in that world of spirits, I hope and trust with my soul swallowed up in the love and service of God. Amen.
JULY 2. Corrie breakfasted with me. We conversed about the great work among the heathen. Read and prayed. I did little more than write to K. and sit for my miniature to the painter lady, who still repeated her infidel cavils. Having nothing more to say in the way of argument, I thought it right to declare the threatenings of God, to those who reject his Gospel.
JULY 3. Went down to M in the coach. I could not
bring myself to open my mouth at all, the exertion seemed so painful. I thought of Christ and the Samaritan woman, but sense of duty did not prevail. If these people are condemned at the day of judgment, and I were bid to see the consequences of neglecting to speak for their souls, how should I be overwhelmed with shame and confusion. God forgive me this sin! I was kept idle, and without communion with God; when I retired into a room to pray, I was interrupted; and when I went into the garden, I met with some of the walkers. However, the Lord heard one or two ejaculations, and assisted my soul to rise to the enjoyment of another world; yet not to that steady sobriety, which long communion with God produces. In a solitary walk I had an opportunity of calling upon God. I see very plainly, that firmness and dignity becomes a minister of the Gospel, and that a deep impression of divine things always tends to produce it in me. “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt.” “Let no man despise thee.” At night, when the day is over, I generally feel roused to be fervent and animated in the service of Christ, and to be always a burning light.
JULY 4. What a world would this be, if there were no God! Were not God the sovereign of the universe, how miserable should I be! but the Lord reigneth, let the earth be glad. And Christ’s cause shall prevail. 0 my soul, be happy in the prospect. As I sat this evening reflecting on my perfect health, and the enjoyment of every blessing, my base ingratitude for not loving and praising God, struck me very much. Thousands starving, thousands sick and forsaken, thousands groaning under the devil’s bondage, and I here unthankful!
JULY 7. (Sunday.) Too much employed about sermon, so as to have little time for reading and prayer before church. This produced some humiliation. Preached a farewell sermon at St. John’s, on Acts xx. 32, to a large and attentive congregation. Drank tea at Mr. Cecil’s. Kead in the evening, and received the benediction of many people. My mind has been distracted to-day. How little do people know what inward loneliness there is, with all this noise and bustle about my going abroad! 0 that I could escape from the crowd, and walk sweetly alone with God!
JULY 8 to 10. I begin another book of my Journal; but how doubtful is it, if I shall ever live to finish it! I am now in my cabin, bound for India, soon to meet new dangers and trials; but happy is it for me, that through the mercy of God I feel safe in his protection. The 8th I took leave of some friends, and sat for my picture to Russel for Bates; the next day went to Midhurst, to visit Sargent; felt much sor row at the thought of leaving such friends; rode back to Petersfield at night; though I was in good health a moment before, yet as I was undressing I fainted, and fell into a convulsive fit; I lost my senses for some time, and on recovering a little, found myself in intense pain. Death appeared near at hand, and seemed somewhat different and more terrible than I could have conceived before, not in its conclusion, but in itself. I felt assured of my safety in Christ. 10th, I went to Portsmouth, where we arrived to breakfast, and found friends from Cambridge. Went with my things on board the Union. Mr. Simeon read and prayed in the after noon, thinking I was to go on board for the last time. On our way to the ship, we sang hymns. The time was exceedingly solemn, and our hearts seemed filled with solemn joy. I slept on board for the first time, but got little sleep, from a headache, and the various noises on board.
JULY 16. Mr. Simeon took his last leave of me in the most affecting manner, and the rest accompanied me on board. My thoughts, as we rowed, were solemn; the levity of the people in the boat, and the swearing, (for others besides our selves were in it,) depressed me; but the thought that the Lord Jesus wiis a friend, with whom I could enjoy communion in every company, was like a reviving cordial. My dear friends, after staying on board a few hours, took their leave, not as if for the last time, except, whose conversation at the last was not such as I wished it to be. The Lord help him to have right views of that truth he is seeking!
JULY 17. Early in the morning I was awakened by the signal gun, and found, when I got up, that we were now at the back of the Isle of Wight; so I bid adieu to my dear friends for the last time. Most of the rest of the day I was so sick, that I could neither read nor take any exercise; but I found comfort in fleeing to my only friend, now all others had left me; the Lord was very merciful to me in keeping my soul, when I was so little able to use the means.
JULY 18. As we came off Plymouth to-day, I wished to pray for my dear cousin there, but could not venture to go to my cabin. However, after dinner read several chapters, and had a blessed season of prayer, in which I had some thing more of the presence of God than for a good while past. But I found it hard to realize divine things. I was more tried with desires after the world, than for two years past. The coast of Devonshire and Cornwall was passing before me. The memory of the beloved friends there was very strong and affecting; the sea-sickness, and the smell of the ship, made me feel very miserable, and the prospect of leaving all the comforts and communion of saints in England, to go forth to an unknown land, to endure such illness and misery with ungodly men for so many months, weighed heavy on my spirits. My heart was almost ready to break. I thought I was the most forlorn and forsaken creature upon earth, excluded from all hopes of happiness on this side the grave; so atheistical and blind was I. In prayer for some time I could not realize the same sort of thoughts I had when ashore; things appeared different. No sweet thoughts of the near approach of eternity and the presence of God; no animating prospect of a work of grace among the heathen; but human life seemed only a succession of miseries. By continual prayer with the word of God, my spirit became more serious and fervent. The example of Jesus and the saints, the vanity of the enjoyments which the children of God have even in England, and the melancholy state of the heathen, were the most powerful motives that suggested themselves.
JULY 19. In prayer after breakfast, my soul gained some thing in spirituality. Little done this morning, partly on account of the interest with which I watched the shore, as it appeared more and more. As we were at dinner, the ship came round St. Anthony’s, and soon after we came to anchor off Falmouth. I was rather agitated at the singularity of this providence of God, in thus leading me once more to the bosom of all my friends: may the Lord glorify himself in this and every other dispensation! found myself after tea in a happy frame of mind. I walked on deck, endeavoring to think on these words, “To me to live is Christ,” and found my mind easily fixing on heavenly things, notwithstanding all the noise and confusion. The evening is a time of great idleness and noise on board, all are talking and laughing. The soldiers doing nothing but jeering one another, and swearing. The passengers lounging about, or sitting on chairs under the poop, the drums and fifes constantly playing. WK. joined me, so that I had not long to meditate, but endeavored to assist him to the best of my power in his Christian course. My ears are constantly assailed and shocked by the most horrid oaths, and I see no method of putting a stop to it, except by perseverance and preaching the gospel to them. Outward restrictions would do little, if they could be applied; but as the captain and officers on board sanction it by their own example, no attempt can be made in that way; the Lord give me compassion for their souls!
JULY 20. Was sensible of an instance of pride to-day, in being ashamed of being seen by the ship’s passengers, in company with one of the children of God, who appeared a mean person; but there is nothing too contemptible for me to conceive in my heart. May I be humbled on account of this sin!
Falmouth, July 20, 1805.
MY DEAR COUSIN*,
We sailed from St. Helen’s at day-break last Wednesday morning, and to my no small surprise, I found we were bound to Falmouth. You will easily conceive my feelings at being thus brought once again to my friends; what the design of God is in this providence, I am at a loss to understand. May it be for the mutual establishment and comfort both of them and me! * * * On passing
Plymouth, we were too far from the shore to distinguish the houses. I tried my spy-glass in vain; it would not bring you nearer; but my heart was with you, and I retired to my cabin to pray for you both. * * * How
happy should I be, if my cousin should be able to come part of the way to Falmouth to see me! But I pray that my heart may not again rove in pursuit of earthly comfort, and so subject me to new affliction.
I remain, &c.
JULY 21. (Sunday.) I went ashore as soon as I could; in the afternoon I preached at Falmouth church, on the jailor; the Lord assisted me beyond all my fears. Immediately after, I went on board, and preached on “The faithful saying,” with more love in my heart, than I ever yet enjoyed in preaching. The general attention was very striking. God has been exceedingly gracious and merciful to me this day. Oh, may I be more thankful, and devote myself more unreservedly to his blessed service!
JULY 22. Another idle day; oh, how great is f.he sum of my misspent hours, when every moment ought to be charged with important work! After much deliberation, I determined to go to Marazion on the morrow. Went to bed with much thought about the step I was going to take, and prayed that if it was not the will of God it might be prevented. I arrived in time for breakfast, and met my beloved Lydia. In the course of the morning I walked with her, though not
O * &
uninterruptedly; with much confusion I declared my affection for her, with the intention of learning whether, if ever I saw it right in India to be married, she would come out; but she would not declare her sentiments; she said that the shortness of arrangement was an obstacle, even if all others were removed.
To Miss LYDIA GRENFELL, MARAZIOX.
July 27, 1805. UNION, FAI^IOUTH HARBOR. * * As I was coming on board this morning, and reading Mr. Serle’s Hymn you wrote out for me, a sudden gust of wind blew it into the sea. I made the boatmen immediately heave to, and recovered it, happily without any injury except what it had received from the sea. I should have told you that the Morning Hymn, which I al ways kept carefully in my pocket-book, wras one day stolen with it, and other valuable letters, from my rooms in college. It would be extremely gratifying to me to possess another copy of it, as it always reminded me most forcibly of the happy day on which we visited the aged saint. The fleet, it is said, will not sail for three weeks, but if you are willing to employ any of your time in providing me with this or any other MS. hymns, the sooner you write them, the more certain I shall be of receiving them. Pardon me for thus intruding on your time; you will in no wise lose your reward. The encouragement conveyed in little compositions of this sort is more refreshing than a cup of cold water. The Lord of the harvest who is sending forth me, who am most truly less than the least of all saints, will reward you for being willing to help forward even the meanest of his servants. The love which you bear to the cause of Christ, as well as motives of private friendship, will, I trust, induce you to commend me to God, and to the word of his grace, at those sacred moments when you approach the throne of our covenant God. To his gracious care I commend you. May you long live happy and holy, daily growing more meet for the inheritance of the saints in light! I remain with affectionate regard,
Tour’s most truly,
H. MAKTYN.
J ILY 29. Walked to Lamorran; alternately repining at my dispensation, and giving it to the Lord. Sometimes, after thinking of Lydia for a long time together, so as to feel almost outrageous at being deprived of her, my soul would feel its guilt, and flee again to God. I was much relieved at intervals by learning the hymn, “The God of Abram praise.”
To MRS. H.
The consequence of my Marazion journey is that I am enveloped in gloom; but past experience assures me it will be removed. I have taken every step that I conceive right, and now I leave the whole matter with the Lord. May he give me grace to turn cheerfully to my proper work and business, in respect of which all others sink into comparative insignificance. If she would prove a real blessing, it is not for me to complain of God, or of her, that she is withheld * * * With the assurance of his love, I know that all things work together for good, and with this I may be satisfied; yet nature mourns, restless at being contradicted. Another consequence of my journey is, that I love Lydia more than
ever.
JULY 31. Went on board this morning in extreme anguish. I could not help saying, “Lord, it is not a sinful attachment in itself, and therefore I may commune more freely with thee about it.” I sought for hymns suitable to my case, but none did sufficiently; most complained of spiritual distress, but mine was not from any doubt of God’s favor, for I felt no doubt of that; but in the afternoon, it pleased God to give me a holy and blessed season in prayer, in which my soul recovered much of its wonted peace, and began to turn with more relish to spiritual things. Left England as I suppose for the last time, with somewhat less horror than in the morning, but still not without much grief. Prayer, again, was a rich and comfortable ordinance; still my heart is sore and in pain.
AUG. 1. The first few Psalms were exceedingly comfortable to me. Received a letter from E, and received it
as from God. I was animated before, but this added tenfold encouragement. She warned me, from experience, of the carefulness it would bring upon me; but spoke with such sympathy and tenderness, that my heart was quite refreshed. 1 bowed my knees to bless and adore God for it, and devoted myself anew to his beloved service. Went on board at night, the sea ran high, but I felt a sweet tranquillity in Him who stilleth the raging of the sea. I was delighted to find that the Lascars understood me perfectly when I spoke to them a sentence or two in Hindoostanee. I asked them if they knew who Jesus Christ was? They said, No. I told them he came into the world to save sinners: they smiled among one another, saying, Neha, neha, — well, well.
AUG. 3. Rose with rather greater tranquillity, but my feelings before prayer are a striking evidence to myself of my natural corruption. How miserable and restless should I be without the powerful Spirit of God restoring and encouraging me! Walked on the poop this evening, enjoying the serenity of the weather; heard the carpenter’s mate complaining he had never yet known what it was to be happy. I pointed out to him the path of life, in which he would soon be happy; I told him, moreover, that I should wish to talk with him more hereafter upon the subject, of which he said he should be glad. I found a sort of melancholy pleasure in repeating the hymn, “The God of Abram praise,” &c. Heard that B. generally began to swear after divine service, at my keeping them so long. I have scarcely seen one more determinately set against all holiness. Yet even this man may be the first to melt, when God puts forth his hand. At night, after supper, they began to sing songs, to my no small annoyance. Their mistaken efforts after happiness excited my compassion in a little degree: but I want more zeal and love to souls. In every prayer I see occasion to cry to God to rouse me to earnestness and fervor. The example of Whitfield has been made of great use to me in this respect. I want, when I walk the deck, to have my heart melted at the sight of so many poor sheep going astray.
AUG. 4. (Sunday.) Preached on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21. with more life than I expected. I was in great dejection, but the 2nd of Micah was much blest to me. I rejoiced with great joy at the prospect of the future happiness and peace of the church. Conversed with Corporal B. The poor man was in very low spirits; but I tried to revive him, and by so doing I refreshed myself. The ship is a melancholy sight on the Sabbath. They read all manner of things on deck immediately before service; and directly after turn to the same sort of employment.
AUG. 5. Very dull in prayer for a time, but by taking the Bible itself before me, my soul was enabled to spread its wants more freely. Went ashore. Walked to Pendennis garrison; enjoyed some happy reflections as I sat on one of the ramparts looking at the ships and sea. But could not help feeling my own depravity, that with so much to call forth continual praise and prayer, I should forget God so easily, and be so slowly induced to seek after him. The Lascars, who brought us ashore, seemed so interesting in their countenances and manner, that I longed to know the language, so as to preach the gospel to them, and looked forward with great pleasure to living among them. Dined at, and after dinner, enjoyed nearness to God in prayer.
AUG. 6 to 10. The 6th I passed on shore. As I stood on the shore near the Swan-pool, I looked forward with delight to passing the great deep for the sake of the poor heathen. Set off to walk to St. Hilary. Arrived safe, and passed the
evening agreeably with R. 8th. Enjoyed much of the
presence of God in morning prayer. The morning passed profitably in writing on Heb. ii. 3. My soul seemed to breathe after God. Walked down with R. to Gurlyn to call on Lydia. She was not at home when we called, so I walked out to meet her. When I met her coming up the hill I was almost induced to believe her more interested about me than I had conceived. Went away in the expectation of visiting her frequently.
AUG. 9. Found this morning that orders had been received last night for the detention of the fleet, in consequence of which I set off again for St. Hilary. Walked to Polkerris in the rain, about eight miles, with my mind very uneasy, lest I was not in the way of duty. Met with a blind old man standing under a tree, with whom I had a very interesting conversation. I was quite melted into tears at finding such a subject of the Spirit of God in such a wilderness. My mind not at peace. At night, in prayer, my soul was much overwhelmed with fear, which caused me to approach God in fervent petition, that he would make me perfectly upright, and my walk consistent with the high character I am called to assume.
AUG. 10. Uneasiness increased by seeing the wind northerly; walked away at seven to Gurlyn; apprehension about the sailing of the fleet made me dreadfully uneasy; was with Lydia a short time before breakfast; afterwards I read the 10th Psalm, with Home’s commentary, to her and her mother. She was then just putting into my hand the 10th of Genesis to read, when a servant came in, and said a horse was come for me from St. Hilary, where a carriage was waiting to convey me to Falmouth. All my painful presentiments were thus realized, and it came upon me like a thunderbolt. Lydia was evidently painfully affected by it. She came out, that we might be alone at taking leave, and I then told her, that if it should appear to be God’s will that I should be married, she must not be offended at receiving a letter from me. In the great hurry she discovered more of her mind than she intended; she made no objection whatever to cominjr out. Thinking, perhaps, I wished to make an engagement with her, she said we had better go quite free. With this I left her, not knowing yet for what purpose 1 have been permitted, by an unexpected providence, to enjoy these interviews. I galloped back to St. Hilary, arrived about twelve, and instantly went on board. As more of the land gradually appeared behind the Lizard, I watched with my spy-glass for the mound. Oh let not my soul be deceived and distracted! but now I am actually embarked in Christ’s cause, let a peculiar unction rest upon my soul, to wean me from the world, and to inspire me with ardent zeal for the good of souls.
AUG. 11. (Sunday.) Rose dejected inspirit. In conversation with the captain, I learnt that we were to have sen-ice only once a day at sea. I could not conceal my chagrin, and he assigned as the reason that the men who had to keep watch in the night were obliged to take rest in the evening, My chief hopes of a change in the ship must, under God, depend on private exhortation and reading among the soldiers and sailors. Had a little conversation with the Italians, in French, and lent one a French Testament; he was a Roman Catholic, very ignorant, worshipped images and the Virgin Mary, he said, but would not use auricular confession.
AUG. 12. A day of the most severe trial to me. England had disappeared, and with it all my peace; the memory of Lydia, and all the dear Christian friends in England, cut me to the heart every moment. Every wave produced vertigo and sickness in the body, and, what was more painful, bore me farther and farther from Lydia. Towards evening found it best to stand upon deck, looking at the waves, and the other ships in the fleet. The beauties of the setting sun, though it tinged the sky with those colors which have often delighted me on shore, had no longer any power to charm me. I found a short relief at intervals in thinking of the realms of glory, which I hoped 1 should one day see, and be free from sickness and sorrow, but faith was not in lively exercise. Throughout the whole of this day, the want of Christian society, or of any friend with whom I could converse, made me scarcely doubt of sending for Lydia immediately on my arrival in India. I almost think I should before that, only that I may perhaps never arrive; and besides, I am determined, by the help of God, to give it a fair trial, and learn his will more perfectly.
AUG. 13. Had a most comfortable season in prayer for an hour after breakfast, and passed the remainder of the morning in thinking on Psalm 1. 21. Went about among the soldiers in the afternoon, according to my plan, but found no opportunity of speaking to them. After tea I again sought some means of speaking to the soldiers; but finding none, I betook myself to prayer, in which my own lukewarmness was made to appear to me so shameful, that I determined, if pos sible, to do something for them, but again found none at leisure, except the gunner’s mate and the Italian to whom ] had given the Testament. Afterwards on the poop, with Major D and McK, the question, what would be come of the heathen, was proposed to me. In the dispute I was assisted to declare the way of salvation clearly; the subject was made very useful to myself, blessed be God! 1 saw very plainly what was the state of the heathen world, and looked forward with hope and joy to the work of preaching among the eastern nations the everlasting gospel of the blessed God. All earthly things seemed to die away in insignificance. At night McK came into my cabin, to
combat what I had said about the heathen, and to inquire also what Scripture had really declared. I was grieved be fore at the unsoundness of his views in many respects, but to-night was led to entertain better hopes of him, from the teachableness and submission to Scripture he mar ifested. To all his questions and objections the Lord provided me a ready answer. The officers and others, he told me, did no thing but make objections to my sermons: I was fearful my manner had been offensive, but he said it was the doctrine. Went to bed almost as if for the last time, so near did death and eternity appear.
AUG. 14. Had again this morning much enjoyment in private prayer, but the time afterwards was interrupted by the confusion of coming into harbor; and I was scarcely at all alone in my cabin. Came to anchor in the Cove of Cork about noon. In the afternoon was blessed with much com fort in prayer. Lost much of the peace and comfort I had enjoyed, by not praying in the course of the evening, by be ing in such company as that of the mess-room, and by W. H. lounging with me at night in the cabin.