August 1805 – October 1805

CORK HARBOR, Aug. 19, 1805
MY DSAREST COUSIN:

I hasten to send you a few lines, in the hope of receiving one more letter from you before I leave this part of the world. No one in the fleet knew of our destination to Ireland till the Commodore opened his sealed dispatches off the Lizard, or I should have desired you to direct me there. We continued our course the Saturday on which I wrote to you, and on the Sunday morning were becalmed in Mount’s Bay. It was a melancholy pleasure to have one more view of the Mount, Marazion, and St. Hilary, all which I could see with the glass very well, though not distinctly with the naked eye. My heart was very full, as you may suppose. I would have given anything to have been ashore preaching at Marazion or St. Hilary, where I was probably expected. I took for my text Heb. xi. 16: “But now they desire a better coun try, that is a heavenly: wherefore God,” &c. The text was not very suitable to them, but it was quite so to me. The beloved objects were still in sight, and Lydia I knew was about that time at St. Hilary, but every wave bore me farther and farther from them. I introduced what I had to say by observing that we had now bid adieu to England, and its shores were dying away from the view. The female part of my audience were much affected, but I do not know that any were induced to seek the better country. The Mount continued in sight till five o’clock, when it disappeared behind the western boundary of the bay. Monday, the day after, was a day of most severe trial to me. It began to blow fresh in the morning, in consequence of which all the passengers were ill. I was thus rendered incapable of removing by persevering prayer the dreadful gloom that hung upon my mind; not a ray of comfort or life appeared in any quarter. We had lost sight of the land in the night, and with it I seemed to have lost all the sources of happiness. O this ensnaring world! What but the almighty power of God can effectually wean us from it! I slumbered away the after noon in darkness and stupidity, scarcely sensible of anything but the pains of memory; but reviving a little at night, I was refreshed by reading some of the Psalms, and your hymns. No thoughts but those of God’s covenant love and everlasting kindness would at all suit me. In such passages as these, “Why savest thou. 0 Jacob,” drc., I found strong

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consolation. I believed I should utterly have fainted, but that I was enabled to say in faith, “Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy; when I fall I shall arise; when I sit in darkness the Lord shall be a light unto me.” Throughout the whole of the day the want of Christian society, or of any friend with whom I could converse, made me scarcely doubt of the necessity of applying to Lydia immediately on my arrival in India. But I am determined by the help of God to give the matter a fair trial. I hope I shall never request her to make such a sacrifice merely for my personal relief, except so far as that may tend to promote the kingdom of God. Yesterday and to-day my sickness is removed, and my peace restored. God fulfils his promises to me in a marvellous manner. “As thy day is, so shall thy strength be.” He is a friend very near to me, now that all others are far from me, and refreshes my soul with long and happy seasons of prayer. He makes the great business of my ministry to be now uppermost in my mind. 0 let the Eastern nations at ‘ast emerge from their darkness, and let these my poor wretched countrymen who sail with me, and whom I sec under the power of Satan, be turned away from their sin and enmity to God! The more I see of the world, the more deeply I am struck with the truth and excellency of the blessed Gospel. 0 the transcendent privilege of being enlightened by the knowledge of it; I have now free access to the soldiers and sailors, and pray that some may be awakened to a serious concern for their souls. With respect to your self, my dear cousin, I cannot but be deeply anxious, considering the very long period that must elapse before I can hear again of you. I could have wished to have left you in more established health, but I must rest contented with the happy assurance of your being under the care of a gracious God and reconciled Father in Christ, who will in his own time call you to your high reward. And now I reluctantly conclude, commending you both to God, and to the word of his grace. Amen.

H. MARTYN.

AUG. 15. Went ashore and walked to Cork, about eight miles up; on the road I joined two Serjeants of the 25th light dragoons, and was speaking to them on divine things, when McK. came up, and with him I was obliged to walk the remainder of the way, with very unprofitable conversation. Continued at a coffee-house in Cork the remainder of the day, unable to converse for want of communion with God. Wrote a letter to Mr. Simeon, and that was of use in fixing my mind a good while on the things of another world. One object in going to Cork, was to see if any pulpit might be procured for Sunday; but the persons of whom I sought information happened to be all Roman Catholics, who could tell me nothing more than that there were seven Protestant Churches, and about the same number of Roman Catholic. At night I turned as usual to the Bible, and found it quickening to my soul. In prayer had an awful impression of my own unprofitableness, and of the shortness of time.

AUG. 18. (Sunday.) No service in the morning in consequence of rain; but from the time I got up till the middle of the day, I enjoyed more peace and spiritual joy, than I have since I began the voyage. I recollected it was the first Sun day my friends knew of my being at sea. Oh, there were many prayers ascending for me. Head the psalms of praise with a happy sense of God’s love. Found it still in vain to get at the soldiers, in the midst of their bustle of preparation for a drill previous to their review. While they were drilled on deck, I walked on the poop, my soul in general expanding with love, in recollecting the society of the children of God, with whom I felt sweet communion of spirit. Talked to the quarter-master, but he did not seem to receive what I had to say; another seaman continues to read the Bible daily which I gave him a few days ago; I asked him if he understood it: the tears ran down his cheeks, while he conversed on religion: on asking him, whether he did not sin against God daily, he was quick to confess that he did. His soul seemed to be very tender, serious, and humble, and I left him in comfortable hope. Went below decks, but the confusion was greater than ever; reproved a corporal and a sentry for swearing. I observed evident marks of contempt. There was a quarrel amongst the soldiers and sailors; one of the former, who was stripped for fighting, I went up to; they all showed great deference, and the tumult subsided for awhile, but I feel a coward heart in such circumstances. In a season of prayer at this time, I was stirred up to pray fervently for zeal in the different offices of my ministry. I saw that I ought to give my whole strength to preaching. I consider it as an awfui occasion, in which I should labor mightily. McK. was going on a party of pleasure, with some of the passengers, but I convinced him of the sinfulness of it, and so he stayed. At half after five we had service; I preached on Psalm Iv. 21, 22. There were not many passengers present, but the profoundest attention in those that were.

AUG. 20. God visited me again in prayer; my soul wrestled for the continuance of the spirit of adoption; I felt angry with myself, and grieved that I should ever walk so carelessly and so faithlessly, as to bring guilt upon my conscience. In the afternoon, finding no opportunity of going below, I looked into a review, and was led on, by one thing after another in the book, to delay prayer and farther exertions among the people; detestable curiosity about the impertinent subjects of literature has often given a severe wound to my peace. After tea, again went to see if I could read to the people; but saw, or fancied 1 saw, they were in too great confusion, from stowing casks, to attend to me.

AUG. 22. Had a most blessed enjoyment of the Divine presence in prayer this morning, in which I found not that tendency to be puffed up at the discoveries made to me as in former days, but my soul seemed filled with love, and willing self-abasement. “My cup runneth over;” I almost ventured to think, “truly goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;” but oh, how little do I deserve the manifestations of God’s love! I ought to have served him better for his goodness to me. In consequence of late dinner and drill, I did not think it convenient to the soldiers, to go below and read to them; and directly after tea, the hammocks were ordered down, and so no reading took place; on inquiry afterwards, I found they had assembled in considerable numbers on the upper deck to hear me; on hearing this I was quite cut to the heart. It is not for want of willingness, that I am so slow to action; but I am destitute of that energy, promptness, activity, and holy forwardness which characterized Whitfield, and the eminent servants of God.

AUG. 23. Had more seriousness than joy in prayer; yet the past experience of the satisfaction to be tasted in communion with God, excited me to some perseverance, and earnestness to seek his presence. Went aboard the Pitt, Botany Bay ship. She is carrying out 120 female convicts. They were well accommodated, but the person who showed me round, said, they had no Bibles or religious books. While he and the rest were with me, I could neither speak to them particularly, nor distribute tracts; but on deck observing some improper conduct in a seaman, I spoke to him, and after a little conversation, declared what the law of (iod threatened, and directed him how he might be able to leave off his sin. No, said he, I cannot do that, and will not; and soon after I saw him in defiance behaving as before. Our conversation drew others about me, who all questioned me concerning the harm of it, with the utmost contempt. One man said, Well, if that is the greatest sin I have ever committed, heaven is my portion. However, I could very easily keep them all at bay, and told them that though they could make a laughing matter of it now, they would think differently of it at death and the day of judgment. However I could not leave them without telling them of the gospel, and the way God would deliver them from sin; this made them rather more serious; chiefly, I suppose, because they could not but receive with civility what I spoke to them mildly as a great mercy and privilege. I afterwards went below alone, and finding a few women, spoke to them, and gave them n few tracts which I had. One whispered to me in great emotion, asking me if I was not a Roman priest. Guessing her intentions, I asked her if she was not a Roman Catholic, and advised her to confess her sins to Him who knoweth the heart. Walking to the fort, I passed two men who were hanging in chains, for murder. They were the most horrid spectacle I ever beheld; some of the clothes were still remaining, and parts of the skeletons appeared through the rags. In one a few locks of dishevelled hair remained, and the teeth, so that his countenance still preserved a look of the most dire malignity. My feelings, which been excited by what I had witnessed in the convict-ship, were now greatly agitated. The wickedness of that earth on which I was destined to dwell so long, impressed me very deeply. I seemed to have received a new idea, in considering what sort of people God had to manage. Advancing to the brow of the headland, with my face toward the wide and lovely ocean, I thought — 0 thou hast sent me as a sheep among wolves. My heart too is the same, disposed to the same iniquities. I looked towards India, and remembered they were heathens, perhaps ten times worse than anything I had seen. Yet I felt no disposition to do anything but labor in the gospel among my fellow creatures. Seeing a middle-aged soldier sitting under the wall of the fort, I began a conversation, and found he was a Roman Catholic. In answer to my arguments against the main errors of his superstition, namely, the use of the intercession of the Virgin and the saints, and depend-O 1

ence on our righteousness for acceptance, he replied very sensibly and seriously. I was pleased that he made objections, as it was not in a captious spirit, because it showed he understood what I said, and felt the force of it. Afterwards, while I opened the system of the gospel to him, he listened with great attention, without interrupting, and having nothing more to reply, I left him after giving him Vivian’s Dialogues.

He read, he said, the English Testament. Mr. took away

almost all the evening, by coming to tell me — 1st, that he had been defending my conduct before the junior officers of the regiment, who had declared, that if they were commanding officers, I should not be suffered to talk to the men in this way about religion, thus unfitting them to be soldiers; and that if I read at all to them, it should be to the whole on dock; and 2nd, by opening his mind to me on the subject of his revengeful temper, which had just been excited. I endeavored to advise him on the subject.

AUG. 25. (Sunday.) Rose from prayer with a solemn impression. In consequence of the rain, there could be no ser vice this morning; I felt at this a secret sort of pleasure, but soon after the guilt of the feeling was brought home to my mind. I prayed, that God would not for my wickedness’ sake deprive those perishing souls of the bread of life, but feed them, and in mercy* to his church, and free compassion to his wretched creatures, inflame their soul with a burning zeal. I found that the Lord had in part heard my prayer, for I rose with an utter scorn of my former base lukewarmness, and desired above all things, to spend, and be spent, in Christ’s service. In my walk on deck, conversed a little with the mate, but to all on religion obtained no answer. Yet he is my staunch friend; for after dinner, while I was below, he said to Lieutenant D., “If you won’t be religious yourself, why hinder another?” and he said to several of them, “Though you laugh at religion now, by and by your consciences will be overhauled.” He is the picture of a good-natured blunt seaman. I retired soon after dinner, and read the Pilgrim’s Progress to the men, who attended m great numbers to hear, chiefly because the rain prevented their being on deck. I never perceived so much of the extraordinary value of this book till now. I am now got beyond most of my poor hearers, but it cannot be helped. The latter part of a Christian’s course may be more blessed to them than the beginning. But as I goon, the book furnishes me with opportunities of making a thousand useful remarks I should never have thought of else. It clearing off in the evening, I walked on the poop, enjoying the thought of the people of God, who were then assembling in different parts of the kingdom, to happy worship, particularly the congreo-ations at Cambridge, St. John’s, London, and Dock, when I was interrupted by the mate’s proposing divine service without a sermon, which indeed it was impossible to have, as the sun was down before they began to rig the church.

AUG. 26. Two things were made the subject of my earnest petition this morning. 1. That God would exert his power, and make me depend on that power by which he can renew my heart. The texts, “AVhat is the exceeding greatness of his power, and “He is able to do exceedingly,” &c., appeared to me just what I wanted. Nothing seemed capable of fitting my body and soul for glory, but the sovereign power and pleasure of God. I prayed the Lord, that he would himself create me anew unto good works, and a spirit of love, and make me to see it to be his doing, for then he would have all the glory. Oh that the Lord would be pleased to remove pride and delusion of self-love from this vile heart, lest I be made to feel the truth of his word, by being cast into outer darkness! My mind, during my walk, was uneasy at the danger of trifling in my studies, and giving myself to unimportant reading, for want of being called to immediate duties. After some doubts, and much unwillingness, I went below in the afternoon, expecting to find few people able to attend, but had a considerable number, and from a part of “Pilgrim’s Progress,” told them much of the evil of being ashamed of religion. Enjoyed a solemn, though short season of prayer in the evening, in which I felt all my soul go forth in desires to be like Christ, in finding my meat and drink in doing the will of God. In the evening endeavored to learn the notes on the flute, as thinking it may be of use in helping my people to sing, perhaps, in India. The Lord keep these things from being a snare to me!

AUG. 27. My chief business in prayer this morning, was to put my soul into a state of heavenly-mindedness. Oh, how unconquerably carnal did my heart appear! Though the outward scene presents nothing but what is unsatisfying and tedious, except viewed in a spiritual manner, I feel I have no power to preserve any abiding enjoyment of invisible things. However rich it is to be under the influence of di vine realities, I cannot keep my soul in eternity: it is pre sently down again upon earth, the easy sport of almost everything that passes before the sight. What a state of joy it must be, I thought, to be there, where I shall always see God, and always be filled with divine affections, to worship him day and night in his holy temple! Endeavored as I walked on deck, to turn my thoughts into a profitable channel, but to little purpose; at last I bowed my knees in prayer, and never yet found such precious power in the atonement. The Spirit, of a truth, applied the blood of Jesus, to cleanse me from all my sin. Whatever I had been in times past, free pardon might be obtained, and I might begin anew with quietness and peace, my heart being sprinkled from an evil conscience; death, which seemed very near, through the weakness of my bodily frame, appeared very desirable. I tried to realize what would be my feelings on n death-bed, and my fears, and endeavored to meet them. Then read 1 Cor. xv., with great impression, and I tried to be persuaded that there was really nothing here, for which I should be unwilling to leave the world; certainly nothing in the ungodly, and nothing also in the society of saints.

AUG. 30. Read a good deal of Scripture, but in a heavy frame, though I selected the most enlivening parts. I was not on the whole so much dejected as the last time I was sick, but yet very much so now; misery seemed to await me through life. Nothing but death and heaven appeared as a pleasant end in view. There seemed no one person who cared for me. Began Dow. The insidious attacks on Christianity in this writer, while he describes the Hindoos, and their inveterate attachment to their superstition, stirred me up to prayer; in which, after making mention before the Lord of the state of India, and his promise respecting” the conversion of all men, and the want of success his faithful servants had met with, I said, that I, a poor feeble worm, should certainly be swallowed up, and lost in the difficulties, unless God should show to the world that He still reigneth: the hope, that the Lord might perhaps be pleased to make use of me, inspired me with great ardor, and I sat down to deliberate on the subject; I could not perceive that anything was to be done, till I had learnt by actual intercourse with the natives, to enter into their minds and views; for so only could I learn to answer the objections they would make to the truths of the gospel. Read some chapters of the Acts, to see how the apostles addressed ignorant heathens; and afterwards Brainerd’s description of the difficulties which attended his mission. But all this is outward; my soul wants the spirit of prayer. The work is easy to God, if I could pray earnestly in their behalf. The Lord awaken me to spiritual earnestness!

SEPT. 1. (Sunday.) A very melancholy sabbath. Continued very ill the whole morning, and indeed the whole day; got into my cot about seven, and being a little more at ease sought communion with God. At different times of the night as I lay awake, I experienced the consolations of God, not so great as to give me joy, but enabling me to suffer with tranquillity. Upon the whole, I have reason to adore his mercy, that rny spirit has not been tried as this day three weeks. Death throughout the day appeared very desirable. I longed to die, rather even than to be well and with my friends. Death was the best consolation I could find, as I had not enough of the presence of my heavenly friend to be able to rejoice at suffering for him.

SEPT. 3. A day of bitterness and distress. I took up one

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of the volumes of the Cheap Repository, and found several things very suitable. The conversion of Gamba affected me in an extraordinary manner; 1 had a deep impression made upon me of the misery of mankind. The story of the fair-weather sailor delineated my character, I thought, too truly. The Shepherd of Salisbury Plain made me ashamed of my self. AY hat I suffer is only the common evils of life. The Lord have mercy upon me! it is all I can say. I would rather be cut in pieces than deny my Saviour, by forsaking this part of his work, which he assigned me; and yet, with a heart so full of corruption, there is nothing too pitiful for me to do. After dinner, got nigh to God in prayer, but it was like stemming a torrent. If I got on a little, I was presently carried back where I left off. My soul was influenced with something of ardor to be doing the Lord’s work. Respecting life I am not anxious. There is only reason to fear lest the Lord in wrath should send me back as unworthy to proceed on so high an errand. But 0 may he rather graciously fit me for it if it be his will! After being on board seven weeks, we are not yet to the west of Ireland. But were I blessed with a humble contented mind, as I desire to be, no earthly trifles would move me. “I have learnt in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content,” <fcc. “I can do all things through Christ which strengthened! me.” At night I resolved, in the strength of God, to make an effort to rise above present afflictions, and be happy and contented in God. Felt much returning joy and peace.

SEPT. 4. I was taught in my prayer to-day the necessity of living by faith. It was a relief to my soul, to declare to God my utter insufficiency for all good, and that therefore my hope of ever obtaining contentment and joy in his service, must be the gracious gift of his Holy Spirit; and with this I felt a very serene and calm assurance, that God would work all my works in me, that I should be created anew in Christ

Jesus, unto good works. Read the Galatians and meditated. It was then suggested to me, — Think no more of anything but suffering in this life; you are an exile from your native country and frkmds; think not of seeing them any more.

Major D had been giving me an account of what would

be my situation in India. I sat musing upon it on deck, without being able to find one single ray of comfort, but what should come from the presence of God. It was now in vain to look forward to anything upon earth. In mute astonishment therefore I looked forward, and surveyed the scene. The pleasures and comforts of this life, such as are allowed to God’s children, from them I was entirely excluded. After a little time, I quietly looked upon this as my portion, and made up my mind to expect nothing but suffering every day. The thought was not so overwhelming, but it solemnized my mind most exceedingly, and I felt weaned from the world to a degree I never experienced before.

SEPT. 5. Rose without strength or spirits to dress myself. As long as I could sit in my cabin, I passed the time, about three hours, in reading and prayer. I found many of the psalms in exact unison with my feelings; and this was a great comfort to me, as I found that some of the children of God had been in as distressed circumstances. In the after noon I could do nothing but sit holding my head in my cabin. Here I was assaulted with a sense of guilt, lest I was giving way to laziness, in not stirring up myself to pray and labor for God. After ten I revived considerably in my spirit.

Talked very closely to my servant. Mr. coming in, I

read an account of Brainerd’s death, and some hymns, which so much refreshed me, that I could hold up my head again. Afterwards alone; read some chapters in Revelations, and determined to endeavor to improve the present season of danger, by going into the cuddy after supper, which I did; but as the weather was become rather more moderate, the conversation was not at all about the gale. However, I had occasion to mention to - - the real cause of the fears we have of death, and the remedy. In my prayer before this I saw reason to be humbled for the vain-glorious desire I had shown to manifest my contempt of death; but now 1 find it impossible to approach God but as the most abject of creatures. My grief is, that I cannot have my affections set upon things above. The world in a particular form has a hold upon my soul, and the spiritual conflict is consequently dreadful. Nothing but such assurances as that, “Without me ye can do nothing,” could support me from sinking to deep despondency. God will not cast off his people. I am now in the fire, fighting hard; Oh for strength to carry me through! Outward and inward trials threaten to destroy me, but Twill put my trust in God. “I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance and my God.”

SKPT. G. The storm continued to increase during the night. Two of the sails were torn to pieces. The violence of the wind in the rigging, and the confusion on deck, prevented my sleep. I was chiefly led to think of the many poor souls in the ship; the thought of them reminded me of my own lukcwarmness, and unfaithfulness; but all this only made me feel more deeply the necessity of the Redeemer’s righteousness. At night, when the wind abated, read Whitfield’s Journal, and observing how he acted on such an occasion, I was cut Ly it to the heart, at the sense of my lukewarmness. Once more I struggled, determined to rise, through God, above the body, the flesh, and the world, to a life of ardor and devoted ness to God.

Next morning was very sick, insomuch that I was obliged to stay upon deck in the crowd. In prayer my corruption seemed to be like a mountain pressing upon me. As for the world, I detested it, for being the cause of my plague, but could not get the love of it out of my heart. I could not find my supreme pleasure in being separated from all things unto the gospel of God, and thus my spiritual conflict was agonizing beyond measure. Beginning to grow quite outrageous with myself, and like a wild bull in a net, I saw plainly this was coming to nothing; and so in utter despair of working any deliverance for myself, I simply cast myself upon Jesus Christ, praying that if it were possible, something of a change might be wrought in my heart. Though I was a little earnest in the afternoon, the sense of my constant unprofitableness made me more miserable than ever, and my soul was fast departing in unbelief from the living God. Thus the Lord vouchsafed to me a sense of my danger, and I began to consider, What can this end in? If I am really in anguish for the low state of my soul, what hinders me from rising? Why do not I make a struggle and cry with power to God? — so I did this day, (not on my knees, for my cabin was floating with water, which had broken in at the port hole,) and God in a measure answered my prayer. I walked the deck in great haste, for I have to strive against stupor of body almost as much as against that of the mind: I repeated and meditated on Eph. i. 11, and kept doing so, notwithstanding whatever I heard or saw, and this activity of mind on spiritual things was made a blessing.

SEPT. 8. Rose in nearly the same state as on precedingday, sick in body and wounded in spirit. However, thought I, now is the time for struggling. In prayer I was led away from my own corruptions to the more refreshing subject of God’s church and ministers. About the time when I expected service, I went about the poop, but the sailors were all at work, and the boatswain swearing at them. My heart was agonized with my situation among the ungodly, compared with that of the Christian societies upon shore. When I went to take my exercise on deck, I resolved to fight hard against my dejection, and truly a hard conflict I had of it for two

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hours, T was afraid to let my thoughts dwell upon tho outwan! scene for a moment, or upon England, or friends, which would have made tho mat tor worse. Hut by reciting scripture. 1 strove to keep my thoughts incessantly engaged in divine things; though 1 could not obtain joy, 1 was conscious of doino- right; and that, painful as it was. thus to struggle up lull was tho appointed narrow way. Read Leighton on Peter to-day, ami found ovorv sentence almost applicable to my case; I almost thought it good to be in tribulation, to have such precious truths appropriated to me. In the evening road the Revelations, with greater peace of mind and devotodnoss to (!od.

SKIT. ‘,). At last the Lord hath appeared for tho comfort of his creature. cannot my soul be always in heaven? .Ooarost Lord, there is nothing on earth worthy of a moment’s concern; thy work may bo prosecuted best by my soul’s remaining in heaven. The transcendent sweetness of the privilege of being ahvavs with God would appear to me too great, were it not for the blessed command, “Sot your affections on things above,” A’c. “For your life is hid with Christ in (Iod.” — Life hid in (rod! In my walk on deck found it necessary to watch and pray, lest I should sink into dissatisfaction. Endeavored to keep in mind, that the little trilling occurrences and changes which took place around me had no concern with me; and that, considering the great work God had put upon mo, 1 ought to be hourly considering how eminently I should be n man of prayer, thought, nnd heavenly mindednoss. Determined not to be discouraged by the neglect of the soldiers; and so, when I went down again, I began to read to about three, nnd my hearers soon increased. My heart was often very full, in describing the way of salvation by Christ, nnd the happiness of finding it. In the evening had sweet access to God.

SEPT. 10. Sickness this morning was about to bring on dis-

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content ‘and peevishness; but T pre.sently recollected, that it was my business to be faithful and happy in every condition. Walked on deck with Major D. He told me I should find nothing wanting in India but a partner. This was to rne a very unwelcome piece of advice; for though I am greatly delivered from all desires of a worldly nature at this time, his words recalled many thoughts of Lydia, which I could not remove so easily as I wished.

SKI*T. 11. Enjoyed the blessed presence of God in prayer, great deadriess to the world, and happy meditation on eternity. Jn my walk upon deck the Lord kept rny heart in general above the influence of the idle occurrences and passim’ scenes around me, and I looked forward with contentment and pleasure to living among none but Mussulmans and Hindoos, to which I feel at times strong reluctance. Head Ilindoostanee; at dinner many spiritual thoughts were sucrfested to my soul. I looked forward with delight to the time when the body would no more need to be fed with corrupting food, but would be changed, arid made like the glorious body of Christ. In the afternoon looked over Vince’s Astronomy till it was time to go below; prayer would have been a better preparation for reading to them; for the immediate effect of considering some things in astronomy was an extraordinary coldness of heart towards divine things and religious duties; but reading to the poor people presently warned me again; my few hearers now, I observe, are generally the same per sons, which I am glad of. In the evening thought to finish

a few calculations before prayer; but McK coming in,

prevented, and thus the time, which I find most profitable, was lost. He stayed a long time, conversing upon religion. He grows visibly in grace. He now reads the Scriptures aloud in the cabin, and has one or two to hear him. At night had a solemn season of prayer, in which my eyes were a little opened to consider the holy examples of John the Baptist and St. Paul. Oh that I might be t .aught and strengthened to become such a holy, self-denying, spiritual minister and missionary! Before going to bed, read Milner’s Sermon on fasting. I have no doubt of the usefulness of separate seasons of fasting and prayer, though my flesh seemed to shrink from it at present, as if it were too much for my strength; yet past experience encourages me, and David Brainerd’s ad vice. What a quickening example has he often been to me, especially on this account, that he was of a weak and sickly constitution!

SEPT. 12. An unhappy day, made so through negligence. Had a happy season of morning prayer, as usual, but wasted much of the rest of the morning in calculations, though I knew it ought to have been spent in composition. In my walk alune on deck I found it hard to keep from my former unbelieving thoughts. After dinner found myself dull, and unfit for the service of God. This wounded my peace deeply; I was almost ashamed to appear in the presence of God. With shame and humiliation, I read to the soldiers below; in prayer afterwards, in vain did I pray to enjoy the sweetness of eternity; my soul seemed left to its own stupidity, and God to have hidden his face. After reading a portion of Scripture, I began, after some deliberation, to write my sermon; and though I made little progress, I felt more satisfied at night, as having been in the path of duty. How debasing is sin! it separates the soul from God, and leaves it to grovel on earth in misery.

SEPT. 13. My soul tasted much of the love of God in prayer this morning, and rose in the desire and hope of continuing in it all day. I way disposed to ask with the bride, from my constant expectation of soon losing spiritual fervor:” Tell me, 0 thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, lhere thou makcst thy flock to rest at noon; for why should 1 become as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy com-

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panions?” Why should I give way, and suffer my thoughts to be led by outward occurrences? Employed about sermon with rather greater sobriety and seriousness than in general.

SEPT. 14. Was again favored with a sense of the love of God in prayer this morning. Rose very feeble and dejected, but was refreshed by remembering that my body and soul are Christ’s, and that when he shall call me away, “this corruptible shall put on incorruption, and this mortal put on immortality.” In my walk had little opportunity of reflection, as there were so many on deck, and one and another joined me; to Captain J. I declared what I thought the will of God about duelling. After dinner all the men were paraded on the quarter-deck, to hear the decision of the court martial on one of the mutinous soldiers, which was his acquittal. Some of the articles of war were read. This left me no time for reading to them. The rest of the evening I continued writing, with my mind low, but solemn; finding a sweet relief at intervals, to stop and try to have a foretaste of heavenly glory. I seemed to have no prospect in my heart, of ever taking up my rest in this life, but was resigned, and pleased at being altogether for another world.

SEPT. 15. Had a long conversation with major D;

from his great anxiety and extraordinary humility in being willing to receive instruction from me, (indeed he seemed to think me almost infallible,) I was very earnest. “With the utmost possible plainness, in every variety of expression and illustration, did I endeavor to point out the difference between the way of salvation by the law, and by the gospel. Yet without making objections, his mind seemed to continue in

darkness. I next had conversation with, one of the

cadets, who appeared to seek it. He seems very well disposed. I offered him instruction in mathematics and classics, which he accepted. Next with the chief mate, commending his leaving off swearing, which I observe is already the case.

I reminded him of the necessity of putting off the old man, and being renewed, &c. He is one the worthiest men in the ship, but we cannot continue long on religion: he is so soon out of his depth; he said he always avoided anger, ever since he heard a sermon on the subject, the finest he ever heard, one Wednesday at St. Ann’s, Blackfriars. I sat with the seamen on the gun-deck, in the Boatswain’s berth; at the request of one of them, I gave them a Bible, two Testaments, Baxter’s Call, and some Tracts, for one mess consisting of six. As I sat there, I had a long and close conversation with the carpenter, who wished to appear better informed than the rest; he would not believe, that he was not safe in acting according to his own good thoughts: the ship’s steward, whom I formerly spoke to for swearing, and received a disrespectful answer, used the same expression; I reproved him again, and received the same answer, that in his own thoughts he was innocent, for he meant nothing. I told him that his sin was in mentioning those words without meaning anything. This seemed to strike him very forcibly. Coming up, I met the purser who was ill; I presently began with him, and talked a considerable time; next with Sergeant

C, but could not go on long, as the soldiers began to

gather round us, too near the quarter-deck; lastly with Corporal B — , who seemed to be in a very low state. In the

evening at sun-set, I thought with pleasure, “but few more suns, and I shall be where my sun shall no more go down.” My dear Lydia, my sister, and all the dear saints in England, I can be content to see no more: I have nothing to do, but to attend diligently to my work, since “the day of redemption draweth nigh.” After tea in prayer, the work of a missionary before me, was, as in general, the occasion of a very serious impression on my mind. Oh, that in the actual labor and suffering, I may see its excellence!

SEIT. 17. This morning much of praise and love: began to learn the use of the navigation tables, and the practical method of astronomical observations. As I began it with the belief of its utility, I left off without injury to my spirit. I was assisted in getting my thoughts fixed in prayer. I seemed at a long distance from the earth, and time, and near the blessed God. My soul spoke freely of its wants, particularly of the life of faith in Christ, and walking happily in him, and with him. Spent the rest of the night in thinking of Col. ii. 6, not with much success, but profited by my thoughts being summoned to aim at so spiritual a subject. Studied again Rom. vi. in order to discover the Christian motives, and found great insight into it. Oh may I walk in fcreat humility! and if I increase in knowledge, may I remain dso in lowliness of spirit!

SKPT. 22. Had some thoughts of devoting this day to ] rayer and fasting, but was undecided as to the latter, Avhetlier it would be right in the present weak state of my body, to omit the meal of dinner. Read in the morning a good deal of David Brainerd; his dying testimony in favor of such occasional abstinence is very weighty. I began to pray, first in reference to my own soul, that it might be made truly penitent. I endeavored to take a review of my life; the recollection made me burst into tears. My heart was quite

broken. Prayed at length for my sister, my brother R,

Dr. J. E. and Lydia. After praying nearly two hours, my heart seemed to be at last really poor and broken; nothing appeared so remarkably deep-rooted and detestable, as that never-ceasing self-complacency and esteem, which attended me amidst all those causes of humiliation; I pictured myself strutting about the streets and walks of Cambridge, wrapt in content, thinking myself very amiable and admired, as much by others as by myself. Yes, it is pride which surpasses all my other sins, hiding from me the extreme guilt of laziness and lukewarmness. I could not have borne this self-condemnation without views of Christ; and I was shrinking continually from the search, save when I applied the blood of Christ, and confirmed my assurance of his all- sufficiency to save. Oh, that the memory of my iniquities might never cease from before me, while I sojourn in this land of sin and sorrow! Read afterwards Psalm 1., and Dan. ix., 1 Kings xvii., xxi. I then walked. With respect to the enjoyment of time and sense, how poor and worthless do they appear!

SEPT. 24. The determination with which I went to bed last night, of devoting this day to prayer and fasting, I was enabled to put into execution. In my first prayer for deliverance from worldly thoughts, depending on the power and promises of God, for fixing my soul while I prayed, I was helped to enjoy much abstinence from the world, for near an hour. Then read the history of Abraham, to see how familiarly God had revealed himself to mortal men of old. Afterwards, in prayer for my own sanctification, my soul breathed freely and ardently after the holiness of God, and this was the best season in the day. During my walk, my thoughts were heavenward, indeed, more than on com mon days, but not humble and careful. Endeavored to recollect all those who had desired my prayers, and wrote them down. In interceding for them, I was rather led to dwell on young ministers, that they might be stirred up to go forth as missionaries; and for myself, that I might have more firmness, warmth, vigor, energy, and character. I prayed with some zeal, but yet with little of the presence of God humbling my heart. Three of the cadets came to me with Euclid. I sat most of the evening, endeavoring to compose on a subject, but seemed quite spent in body and mind. I very much fear, that the climate, which is extremely soft and luxurious, (lat. 35°) produces this relaxation in my frame, though I make every effort against it. If this should be the case, what will India be?

SEPT. 27. Found much comfort and benefit in the Psalms. Proceeded but slowly in my composition. My mind was more impressed with the value of the souls in the ship, and my duty in striving to stir up myself and them, to a deep apprehension of eternal things; but it is here I feel my unfitness for a missionary. I do not know how to push things. I have a delicacy about me, which no doubt proves ruinous to souls. When I believe, and therefore speak, I shall then pluck souls as brands out of the burning with haste. At present, I do not, that I know of, shrink from any known method of diffusing the light of truth, but I am not ingenious in methods; I do not invent ways and means in getting at men. I want the essence of zeal, which, if no way be open, will make a way. Alas! I let men sleep, as if only in error, not as on the brink of eternal fire; yet I know not what can be done but to preach, and to read to them as often as the business of the ship will permit, and to converse with whomsoever I can get to join with me. The oaths I hear on deck move me. I enjoyed great peace and assurance in God; confident that, should we be driven from the fleet and lost, my spirit would be transported to a happier world. With Major L, I had a long conversation on the impossibility of converting the Hindoos. I was not so anxious to combat his arguments, as desirous to say something for the conviction of himself; by the recollection of the constant objections drawn from the bigotry of the Hindoos, I. was led to pray, that God would of a truth show the gospel to be his own, by causing the lighting down of his arm to be seen, by a great work in that country. India is consigned by the world, to the irrefragable chain of Satan. Oh that God may soon interfere to remove her reproach! may she “forget the. shame of her youth, and not remember the reproach of her widowhood any more!” Read Milner: the mission to England by Gregory interested me much, and refreshed me with the prospect of something to take place in India. Lord, increase my zeal; that though I am but a feeble and obscure instrument, I may struggle out my few days in great and unremitting exertions for the demolition of paganism, and the setting up of Christ’s kingdom.

SEPT. 29. (Sunday.) On rising this morning, soon after five, I found we were close to Madeira. About noon, we anchored before Funchal; the ship was one uninterrupted scene of confusion the whole day, and my mind was lamentably distracted. After waiting till two, without having any service, and being told there could be none on account of the anchor’s being to be weighed again, I went ashore. Went to the great Catholic Church, and was shocked beyond measure at the absurd ceremonies; the splendor of the church was beyond anything I had conceived. The priests eyed me with considerable attention, amidst the crowd of officers, guessing me to be an ecclesiastic, I suppose. One of them, when he came to one ceremony more than ordinarily ridiculous, could not conceal his laughter. At other times, the few devotees there, while on their knees, would laugh and talk together. One young man, in the dress of a priest, who was showing me a place which was called the sanctuary, while service was going on in the next department, I addressed in Latin, but he did not understand. Is it possible, thought I, this can be a Christian church? I do not know that anything shocked me so much, as the burning of incense before the picture of St. Francis. I was almost ready to shed tears with grief. A poor negro woman crossed herself at this time with much fervor and apparent contrition. I thought she might be truly an awakened soul, and longed to be able to speak to her, but could not. At dinner, met a party of about twenty; several colonels and ladies; every thing was in the same grandeur as in London; I was disgusted -at the thoughtlessness of the company on this day. We bad great profusion of fruit, apples, pears, grapes, raisins, walnuts, almonds, and bananas, a fruit I did not like. One of the clerks, who sat next me, kept me in constant conversation, chiefly on religion; he brought forward all the difficulties in a way which showed he was used to dispute. At

last Mr. called me away to a lodging-room he had found

for me; and then we read and prayed together, thus closing the Sabbath more happily than we had passed through it.

SEPT. 30. This morning my soul was still distracted, by the novelty of the scene, from a happy spiritual frame; and prayer, from the same cause, had no abiding efficacy. At night, sat with my poor host, who had been a hair-dresser in London forty years, a hearer of Basil Woodd; and talked to him of the gospel; he is a Roman Catholic from fear, but despises popery.