Reflections of a Soul Shut Up to the Faith
Look back, my soul, to the rock from whence thou wast he wen. Ponder the manner in which Jehovah loved and brought thee from the pit of corruption. How the fiery law, with its dread mandates all pointed against my crimes, and its tremendous penalty turned every way to stop my escape from the graciously inviting God of infinite mercy! 1 To what numerous, to what wretched shifts I betook myself, to shun the Redeemer! By a christian education, God had shut me up from the more horrid abominations, cursing, swearing, lewdness, intemperance, and neglect of the forms of religion. But, ah! with what earnestness I indulged myself in sins not less criminal, though less open and infamous! When his dread law convinced my conscience, that my secret faults were set in the light of his countenance; and that what is esteemed in the sight of men is an abomination to the Lord; how eagerly I turned aside to seek righteousness, as it were by the works of the law! When conscience upbraided me for neglect of former duties, particularly of acts of worship, how often have I redoubled, or even tripled the ordinary tale, in order to pay off my old debts! How foolishly my heart cried, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Still my conscience, like the daughter of the horse leech, cried, Give! give! The Lord thundered into my soul, “As many as are of the works of the law are under the curse; for it is written, Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things written in the book of the law to do them. Cursed is he that trusteth in man, that maketh flesh his arm, whose heart departeth from the living” God.” While I5 for many days compassed Sinai, going about to establish my own righteousness, together with, or more truly in opposition to, the righteousness of Christ, the thunder waxed louder and louder. How then was my moisture turned into the drought of summer, and I was wearied in the greatness of my way! How plainly I perceived all my attempts towards virtue, to be the mire and dirt, cast up from a troubled sea of inward rage and enmity against God, — against the Redeemer! How 1 trembled to feel myself reserved in chains of guilt, condemnation, and sinful pollution, to the judgment of the great day! How oft my agonized soul sobbed forth, 41 My bones are dried; my hope is lost; and I am cut off for my part.” Not all the flames of Sinai could melt my heart. I hardened myself in sorrow, and became more obstinate in inward rebellion against the Lord. I went on frowardly in the way of my heart. I loved idols, and after them I would go.
But, thanks be to God, that stopt my career! while I rolled and raged in my blood, without any eye to pity me, he passed by me, and looked upon me, and said unto me, when I was in my blood, my devilish rage against the Redeemer, Live! And behold, my time was the time of love, the day of
power, the day of espousals indeed! Determined to make an uncommon stretch of almighty grace, he hedged me in. Before, behind, and on every side, I heard, I saw, I felt, not cherubims with flaming swords — but calls — but cords of everlasting love. Before me I saw, I heard, God in Christ reconciling the world to himself, saying to my heart, u I am the Lord thy God.” To silence every doubt, he sware unto me, 44 Hear, O my people, and I will speak: I will testify against thee. I am God, even thy God” — as really, as fully thine, as I am God! Behind I heard his voice, 44 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” I saw myself thus charged, with all the authority of heaven, to take God, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, in Christ, to be my God, and my all; ‘and that neither blasphemy, nor murder, nor anything horrid, could be more aggravated rebellion against him, than my not believing that he was my God; and that all conception, all worship of him, under any other view than as my God, was but the placing an idol in his room! How my heart was astonished to find, that the first and great commandments so charged me, the chief of sinners, a very prince of devils, to possess what the Lord God giveth me — to possess the infinite all, as in Christ my own. When, in humility, produced from hell, I pled, that I was not worthy of him — that I could not believe — could not receive him — could not obey his sweet command — he took me by the arms, by the heart on every side, and said,” I will be to them a God, and they
shall be to me a people. I will say, It is my people; and they shall say, The Lord is my God.”
Thus encompassed on every side, tell me, ye sons of men, ye powers of darkness, what was I that I could withstand God! Had all the enmity in hell been concentred in my heart, how could it have withstood such omnipotence of love! how could I have escaped out of God’s hands! how could I have trodden on the exceedingly great and precious promise and oath of God, confirmed with his blood! how could I have trampled on the great, the kind commandment of infinite love! how could I have torn the bowels of an apprehending Saviour, a beseeching God! how could I have broke the arms of almighty grace, which grasped me hard! how could my heart, my soul, forbear to cry out, Amen, so be it, Lord: to say of the Lord, u He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I will trust; my Lord, and my God: Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief!”
But will God indeed be mine, wholly mine! for ever mine! Is the giving word, the oath, gone out of his mouth, and sealed with his blood! Cursed then be every disposition, every thought of my soul, that dissents. Let the mouth of these liars be stopped — Lord, persecute and destroy, from under these heavens, this evil heart of unbelief; thy curse unto it. But what shall I render to the Lord for his infinite gift of himself to me! Such as lam, Lord, I give myself to thee, as my God. Myself as naked, as guilty, I give to thee, as my God, my righte-LIFE AND REMAINS OF
ousness; my God, that covereth with robes of righteousness and garments of salvation; my God, that justifieth the ungodly freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus; my God, unmatched in forgiving iniquity, transgression, and sin. Myself, as foolish and ignorant, I give to thee, as my God, my Redeemer, that teacheth to profit; my God, who hath compassion on the ignorant, and openeth the eyes of the blind, and maketh the heart of the rash to understand knowledge — to my Christ, as made of God to me wisdom. Myself, as polluted, I give to thee, my God, that saveth from all uncleanness — to thee, my Redeemer, who art come to Zion to turn away ungodliness from Jacob; who art a fountain opened for sin and uncleanness; who art made of God to me sanctification. Myself, as rebellious, I give to thee, my God of peace, who slays the enmity by the blood of his Son, and to thee, O Jesus, who hath received gifts for men j yea for the rebellious, that God the Lord may dwell among them, and daily load them with his benefits. Myself, as weak, insufficient to think any thing, do any thing, spiritually good, I give to thee, my God, who giveth power to the faint, and increaseth strength to them that have no might — to thee, the worker in and for me of thy good pleasure. Myself, Sispoor and wretched, as poverty and emptiness itself, I give to thee, my God, my all, and in all — my God, who accounts it more blessed to give than to receive, that thou mayest supply all my wants out of thy riches in glory by Christ Jesus.