Reflections of a Christian upon His Spiritual Elevations and Dejections
My life is indeed hid with Christ in God. My new covenant state is as mount Zion, which can never be moved. But ah! the instability of my spiritual condition! How often God hath lifted me up and cast me down again!
Sometimes he hath lifted me up, in allowing me sweetly distinct views of divine truth, and of Jesus and his Father therein. In his light, I saw light, and walked, read, heard, and meditated, in the light of his countenance! O my pleasant insight into the mystery of divine persons, and of divine perfections, as manifested in Christ! — into the mystery of redemption, in its rise, means, matter, and end; and into my duty, with relation thereto, even in intricate circumstances! Anon he casts me down into deep and darksome caves. Ah then, my ignorant, carnal, and misshapen apprehensions of divine things! Amidst the best means of instruction, all were like a sealed book to my soul. I groped as a blind man at noonday, neither understanding what was exhibited, nor whence I had come, nor whither I should go.
Sometimes God, by his word and Spirit, afforded me the most convincing assurance that he was my Saviour, my husband, my father, my friend, my physician, my God, and my all and in all! and enabled me to claim him in every character, in every promise,
without the least hesitation. Anon he permitted me to fall into such darkness and douhts, that I could be persuaded of scarce any thing inspired. I doubted of, I disputed against, all his saving relations to me — all his promises of kindness to me. Even when he testified against me that he was God, even my God, I pleaded he was a liar. Ah shocking! resisted, rebelled against, and vexed his Holy Spirit!
Sometimes God hath lifted me up to a sweet serenity of soul. Like one beloved of the Lord, I dwelt in safety. No angry challenge from heaven, or from my conscience, disturbed my repose. Even amidst troubles, or in the views thereof, I rested in the Lord, and quietly waited for his salvation. Anon he cast me into deep waters, where there was no standing. All his waves and billows went over me. Ah! how tossed with tempest, and not comforted! While heaven deserted and frowned, while the arrows of the Almighty stuck fast in me, and the poison thereof drunk up my spirit, Satan trode me under his feet, sheathed in me thousands of his fiery darts: my raging corruptions wrought and were tempestuous: the world hated, reproached, and persecuted me! Scarce ought remained, but a fearful looking for of fiery indignation.
Sometimes God hath lifted me up, in so plentifully shedding abroad his love in my heart, and so powerfully arresting my thoughts on divine things, that not all the temptations of Satan, or the solicitations of this world, could draw it aside. My heart so burned with love to him, that it could desire nothing, care for nothing, and converse with nothing, but himself. Anon it became so loose, so unfixed, that I could not for my soul confine it a moment to a spiritual object in a spiritual manner; but whole armies of idle, ignorant, legal, unbelieving, blasphemous, proud, covetous, malicious, or wanton thoughts, crowded into my mind.
Sometimes God, in lifting me up, hath inflamed my heart with the most ardent desire after himself. How my soul longed, thirsted, hungered, and panted for the Lord! How she cried and followed hard after him! Nothing could divert, nothing could check, my ardour in pursuit of himself; and when I found him 1 held him as with a death grasp, and would not let him go. With what brokenness, what eagerness of heart, I wept, and made supplication to him! Anon, by casting down, I could neither breathe after, nor pray for his visits. I neither knew nor cared, whether I found him or not. Nay, rationally sensible that my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone, a stupid unconcern overpowered my heart: I was almost content to have his room filled with sinful pleasures, and earthly enjoyments.
Sometimes God hath so lifted me up, enabling me to live on Christ himself, above dependance on sensible frames, that I rested on, and gloried in, his person, office, love, righteousness, intercession, power, and faithfulness, as the infallible security of my forgiveness, acceptance, sanctification, comfort, and eterf 2 nal felicity, notwithstanding much felt guilt, temptation, and trouble. Anon I have been so cast down, that my spiritual courage and hope altered as my inward frames did.
Sometimes I have been so lifted up, that I could with pleasure distinctly review my former noted en* joyments of Christ; how, when, and where, he appeared to my soul, loosed my bands, forgave my sins, quickened and feasted my soul. Anon I have been so cast down, that I lost the impression of former experiences; could scarce discern whether they were from heaven, or of men; from heaven, or from hell: and, alas, strangely careless what was their nature, source, or tendency! Ah! how the promises, the words of grace, in which I had formerly tasted that the Lord is gracious, became as idle tales, as a well without water, and as flinty rocks!
Sometimes the zeal of his house, inflamed by the applications of redeeming love, and directed by his word and Spirit, hath eaten me up: I counted nothing, no not life itself, dear unto me, if I might have Jesus exalted, his truths believed and maintained, and his people increased in the earth. Anon I have fallen under the power of so much selfishness, that, if I could get my own interest secured, I scarce regarded the glory or the public honours of Christ.
Sometimes God hath filled my mouth with his praise and honour all the day. I could not refrain from praise. I could not forbear commending him whom my soul loveth. I could not but, in a manner suited to my station, invite others to come, taste, and see, that God is good; could not but call such as feared God to hear what he had done for my soul. Anon a dumb devil hath taken possession of my heart; sinful bashfulness, confusion, and carelessness, have quite disqualified me for conference on any spiritual subject: nay, I felt a strong inclination to deal in trifles and calumny.
Sometimes God hath so feasted me, in his ordinances, that the frequent return of sabbaths, sacramental occasions, opportunities of family, social, or secret worship, was my delight. Often I had him pre-engaged to vouchsafe his presence, in this and that ordinance of his grace. Often the Angel of the covenant restrained the winds of temptation and floods of corruption, while he sealed my soul to the day of redemption. O how he brought me into the banqueting-house, and his banner over me was love! How he stayed me with flagons, and comforted me with apples, while I was sick of love! Anon ordinances became to me as dry breasts, and a miscarrying womb. Ah! their approach seemed a trifle, a burden, to my careless, carnal heart! Neither before, nor in, nor after, did I enjoy the visits of Christ. In my attendance, levity, legality, and unconcern, carried all before them. How oft the voice, the gesture, the method, of the administrator, took that room in my heart, which pertained to Christ! Often disappointed of the presence of God, ah! how I sunk into mere formality, or doubts of my duty to
B4
attend! — and at last how often have I neglected wor* ship altogether, if the hurry of the world seemed to call me to some other business!
Sometimes God hath carried me up to mount Pisgah, and shown me the celestial Canaan, and my irrevocable title thereto, till my whole soul was transported with wonder, with desire, and delight! How I desired to depart and to be with Christ, which is far better! How I groaned to be clothed upon, with my house which is from heaven! Anon he held back the face of his throne, and spread his cloud over it. Heaven was forgotten: my interest therein was unseen. Nay, how oft hell presented itself as the heritage appointed me by God!
Are thy frames, my soul, so changeable? Let me charge thee to have no confidence in thyself: but live by faith on the Son of God, and his everlasting covenant, which are the same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Count all but loss, for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus thy Lord: count them but dung to win him, and to be found in him, not having thy own righteousness which is of the law, but the righteousness which is of God by faith.