Relating Some Things Touching My Present Condition
Section I.
Wherein arc contained some general personal observations in reference to myself.
i. A FTER a long and serious search into my estate „/jL before God, I am by the Lord’s works of love towards me, and His works of grace in my soul, made to conclude that I am born over again, and that there is not only a formal partial change wrought, such as may be in hypocrites, but that I am visited with the salvation and love of His chosen. For I find a great and universal change wrought by an almighty mean in my soul, growing rather than decaying; so that thus I stand fixed as to this matter. I have both word and seal, work and carriage for it. Yet, 2dl Do I find this my belief of my interest much shaken and sore assaulted by sin, which falls like a blot upon all my evidences, and takes away the comfort of them, and fills me with some sudden apprehensions all may be wrong, though these many years, by a positive act of judgment, I was not suffered to conclude my unsoundness, but rather, rationally and deliberately weighing the matter, made to conclude I was converted. y/r, I have thereupon concluded it to be my duty to be thankful, to draw near to God by faithj and to search by prayer, meditation, and reading my estate more exactly; to consider the nature of sanctification more exactly, and ponder objections and grounds of doubting; to pray to the Lord daily to open my estate to me, to practise obedience, and go on in the exercise of faith, love, and humility and other graces, to be marking providences, and the Lord’s carriage to my soul.
2. I find I am exceeding sinful, and one compassed with more than ordinary infirmities. Before conversion I have been suffered to run out in more open acts of rebellion than others, such as swearing, cursing, blasphemy, drunkenness, Sabbath-breaking, sinning against light and conscience, extraordinary strangeness and unprofitableness, greater and manier blots in my conversation than in others, having greater aggravating circumstances. So that I think I grieve the Lord more than any other; I have a harder, blinder, and more carnal heart than others have; so that I conclude myself the least of saints, not worthy to be called a saint. (2) And therefore think I am called to humility and submission. (3) To love the Lord beyond others, as having forgiven me most. (4) To be more watchful against sin, having such an ill heart within, so ready to slip; and to walk in greater fear, and to be more diligent. For, if the iron be blunt, it needeth the greater force. (5) To depend most on the Lord Jesus, as having least in myself, and therefore to make up all my wants with His fulness; that I must live wholly on Him. The sick need the physician. (6) To press me to be more holy in time to come for a revenge; that as I have “yielded my members weapons of unrighteousness,” etc.
3. I have been and am like to be extraordinarily afflicted. I have ever found trouble in the world, and God in His providence doth ever sow enmity betwixt me and it. I have never gotten rest for the sole of my foot there, but its embraces are poison, thorns, prejudice, and vexation. Sometimes and ordinarily, great and extraordinary wants to supply credit and debts; great disappointments, and evil-will from the men of the world, rejected and looked down upon by professing friends in my extremities, so that I know not one of my nearest relations and friends but have put great disobligations upon me, and have been bitterness to me, and have made me weary of life, the people of God only excepted, who (as they were never able to help me in my outward condition, yet) did never trouble or vex me. The Lord reward their labour of love. And if the world hath smiled on me, and given me some of her favours, and I thinking to rest me upon them, they proved like the staff of Egypt, and at last failed me and pricked my hand: it was the Lord only that supported me and kept from sinking, and it was the mere providence of God that did me any good or deliverance, and none other: and I am like to find the good of the world more prejudicial to me than the evil thereof, and to vex my spirit mo (2) I conclude myself hereupon called to live at distance with the world, to set my heart by it, to fight and conflict with it, to be mortified to it, and to look to another rest, seeing this is not it, to set my affections on heaven where Christ is; as likewise, to look on this as a token of love and of good, that “I am not of the world,” for then “the world would love me;” and, lastly, to arm myself with admirable patience and fortitude to endure the evils of the world constantly without fainting.
4. I have a weak, complying, soft nature, contrary to my will and judgment; so that I find an averseness to that which both my judgment and will are for. I bless God for a clear judgment and understanding; for I am much given to pry and search into the bottom of things, and therein have been assisted. But my miserable soft nature yields to everything, and this makes all duties that are attended with labour and boldness a great burden to me. I am judged by men clean contrary, to be rude and contrary to all men; but little know they the wrestling I have with my own heart, and what a torment I bred to myself when I did not comply with men. Oh. how much need of grace and divine assistance! for no less will do my turn; I have nature always to resist. (2) I hereupon find a great resistance to all manner of duties; so that there is no duty I go about, but I find
Satan and the power of sin in me ready to resist me in it: and I get nothing easily done, but over a mountain of difficulties, heart and providences and all crossing. What a mighty work to pray, to meditate, to speak or do anything! Oh sloth! (3) My life is a life of faith, and not of sense; I know little sense or dawting; the Word is my only rule. (4) I find God’s love and my religion manifested rather in doing for God, than in fellowship with God. I see no great love in manifestations of Himself, but in sanctifying me and enabling me to my duty. And the most of my religious exercises are in reference to searching out truths and mysteries in a humble and fixed frame of spirit; and some courage and strength to do some work for glorifying God, and edifying my neighbour. (5) I gather love and good, not at first, or by any one dispensation at first, but by a continued tract of kindness. It is from many things jointly I gather love, rather than from any one particular; and I find good after a long time, rather than at the beginning. God drives His work in me leisurely, and by degrees, and not at once; I know few extraordinary things. Christ’s motion in my soul is without din or noise; I see, by this, need of patience. (6) My joy, happiness, and hope, is more in what is in Christ, and in the promise, and to be fulfilled in heaven to me, than in anything I find in myself by sense. I were “of all men the most miserable,” and hated of God, and little beloved, if I had nought else to look to. (7) I not only find an opposition from my nature, and sin, and Satan, to duties, but from providences; and this I judged as trials, and to be for the exercise of patience. 5. That which most in earth I desire is, to do great things for God, to suffer much for Him, to be signal in honouring of Him, to finish my ministry. I contemn and undervalue the world and carnal folk as dung, and all the world’s kindness, though my nature will not suffer me to express it; my “spirit is willing,” but herein I find “the flesh is weak.” My unprofitableness and sinfulness is my greatest grief in the world; I had rather be cast out of
God’s comfortable presence (so as not to be hated of Him) than out of His service. I have been sometimes thinking that, if these times last, my heart will break, if I be continually shut up in this way, and all the passages stopt of doing for the Lord.
SECTION 11.
Declaring some strong evils under which I mourn, and against which I wrestle.
I find it with me as with the Israelites,- Judges i., that there were some nations that they could not drive out; so I may say that there are some strong evils that I cannot get mastered at all, and which continually afflict me, and discourage me.
1st Evil is, That distance the Lord keeps with me in word, in prayer, in providences, commands, threatenings, promises, mercies, judgements; I find little of God in them, so that I may say, “I am more brutish than any man, and have not the knowledge of the Holy one.’’ O how little of Him is known! I dare not deny but I see Him darkly and confusedly, whereby my soul longs for Him, and mourns for His absence as the greatest evil; but yet I see Him not distinctly and clearly in His glory with the seeing of the eye by that marvellous light. O Lord, my blindness! Oh blessed heaven, where we shall see God, not as .in a mystery, but “know as we are known!” and, alas! I know no more of Him than before. This calls for mourning and humiliation, and addressing to Christ to open the eyes of the blind; and for purity and holiness, for these “shall see God;” and for “following on to know the Lord” in His attributes, in His Son Jesus, in His Word, and in His providences, by observing them.
2d Evil is, The low measure of God’s love vented to my soul; manifestations and influences run very low, and beat weakly in my soul; I find not in God what doth abundantly satisfy; I meet not with that which is called “the power of God.” In a word, I am kept in a low condition, and very mean. Sanctification, light, life, and comfort, are but sparingly letten out to me; and in my fulness I cry, I want still. This is to humble me, and make me long for heaven. Though, blessed be the Lord’s name, I meet with something, yea, more than I deserve, or ever I have been thankful for; nor did I ever kindle a fire to Him for nought. I comfort myself with this that I have the earnest, and that is but small in respect of the stock; a little does arle the bargain as well as much. That this world and time is a time of wants; and, therefore, the Lord’s people are a generation of seekers; that there is much in Christ, in the promise, and much to be letten out in heaven. I get these directions: (t) To be humble. (2) To be living on the fulness of Christ, and abundant joys of heaven. (3) To be thankful for small mercies, for that is the way to get more. (4) To long for heaven, and weary of the earth. (5) To study mortification to the world, for “the rich are sent away empty;’” to keep a room for Christ. (6) To labour much; for “the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.” (7) To do good to others; for “he that watereth shall be watered.”
$d Evil is, Security and slightness of spirit as to spiritual things. I am not so sensibly affected with the evil of sin and of a natural condition, as to wonder at God’s patience, to tremble for fear, and smitten with compassion to others who are yet in their sins. Oh! I am but in jest, and half sleeping and waking; though I know that nothing lies nearer, nor am I more exercised with anything than with spiritual things. I see no help for this, but serious consideration of the great matters of the law, and continual prayers to God for awakening and seriousness, and less seriousness in worldly affairs, for these take away the heart.
4th Evil. I can seldom win to the believing, joyful, and comfortable thoughts of heaven. Though I really prize the thingj to wit, enjoyment of God in Christ for evermore, and perfect conformity to Him, yet have I not as yet come to any measure of perfection in this lesson; the great cause of which I take to be, that I am so little in the endeavour of this. It is something present, rather than what is to come, that comforts me. Oh to see this glory as mine, so as to be made heavenly thereby!
$th Evil. That I cannot, in the act of closing with Christ, cordially, fully, and clearly give up myself to the Lord Jesus alone for evermore; that I cannot expressly and cordially marry with Him. Oh for a day of espousals! It is true, my heart really closes with Christ, and hates the world, and my desires are, to be for Him and Him only, to do and suffer much for Him; but, when I come to covenant with Him, there is deadness, heartlessness, double-mindedness, confusions, and ignorance, whereby much unfixedness doth arise. I can neither covenant with Him as a spouse, nor live with Him as a spouse. Oh my unstedfastness in His covenant, and dealing falsely with Him! I could never to my satisfaction go rightly about this duty of personal covenanting; I durst not promise, lest I fulfil not.
6th Evil. A secret love to the old husband the law; for, with the Jews, I am “seeking to establish My own righteousness;” doing duties, and resolving to be strict, for this end, to get glory from my conscience to myself, and that I might thereby appear the more glorious unto others. And I would be content to have my works here be a sharer in my room in heaven, and to be a part of my joy, and to have my happiness come that way; so that what was falsely attributed to David, 1 Sam. xvii. 28, by his brother Eliab, that out of the pride of his heart he had come to the battle; so it is with me in going against my lusts and tentations, it hath been to gain honour thereby, that I have undertaken it. And when God hath put down this idol of self-righteousness, and by permitting me to fall, hath crost the sitting up of this Dagon, I have marked I have mourned more that my resolutions have been broken,
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and my design broken and thwarted, than for any dishonour or grief done to God; so that, though I see an unsufficiency in my duties, and so cannot trust in them to save me, but forced to take another course, yet do I love these duties, and so love them as I would by that way come to heaven. Whereby unspeakable prejudice hath come to me; for God hath set Himself continually against this evil and idol, in respect I have been seeking to glory and boast in it; and, therefore have I never been able to keep my resolutions, lest I should doat on this Babel. And because I have been seeking mine own glory thereby, rather than to honour Christ, I think it is duty on me therefore to consider the evil of this sin, the wildness thereof, and to mourn for it, and confess it, and labour, by setting before me the work of Christ, to prefer His grace and righteousness for gaining of glory, and to the honour of purchasing heaven by my works; that the song of praise may be only to the Lamb, and not unto us. Oh it is difficult to quit self-righteousness! it is a precious idol.
7th Evil. I find a want of the Spirit, of the power and demonstration of the Spirit, in praying, speaking, and exhorting; that whereby men are mainly convinced, and whereby men see more in the Lord’s people than in others; whereby they are a terror and a wonder unto others, so as they stand in awe of them; that glory and majesty whereby respect and reverence is procured, that whereby Christ’s sermons were differenced from those of the Scribes and Pharisees: uHe spake as one having authority, and not as the Scribes;” that which Paul calls “the power and demonstration of the Spirit;” and which is mentioned, Micah iii. 8, “I am full of power by the Spirit of the Lord, to declare to the house of Jacob their sin,” which I judge to be the beams of God’s majesty and spirit of holiness breaking out and shining through His people, whereof they, their words and carriage, are in some measure partakers; which is mentioned, 2 Cor. iii. 18; 1 Pet. v. 1, “partakers of the glory,” which now and then the Lord in some measure reveals, transfiguring them before the world, but shall one day be manifested in such a manner and measure as the saints know not what they shall be, when Christ shall be admired in them. But my foul garments are on; and, alas! I am “lying among the pots.” Woe is me! the crown of glory and majesty is fallen off my head; and my words are weak and carnal, and not mighty, whereby contempt is bred. No remedy for this but humility, self-loathing, and a studying to maintain fellowship with God, for this made Moses’ face to shine — to walk circumspectly, for a “man’s wisdom maketh his face to shine,” and to express holiness, and glorify God, and then the Lord will honour thee.
Slli Evil. I find not direct, plain, and particular returns of my prayers, though I find indirect and material returns, whereby I have been made to see and conclude that “it hath been good for me to draw near to God;” nor can I look on my returns as the returns of my prayer. Not observing of returns I find to have great influence on this.
9//1 Evil. Want of blessing on my labours to others, especially the unconverted; though I know and find that saints have gotten good, and others put in some good moods. But I fear I have drawn none from Satan to God; I take but little pains in this.
loth Evil. I cannot get the lesson of patient waiting and depending on God until the end of a trial learned; but ordinarily, after I am set and engaged to wait, I misbelieve and turn impatient, and my heart goes astray and turns careless; and then possibly when this thread is broken, I set myself to duties: and then the Lord’s visiting of my spirit with new influences, is like Samuel’s coming to Saul after he had sacrificed; so as I cannot say the Lord’s return hath been the fruit of my waiting. So as I think I never knew what it is to abide in a patient depending, waiting on God in a night of absence till the morning, but unhappily give over my dependence, and interrupt my waiting by my carelessness, and taking comfort from some creature; which, though it proceed not from a deliberate wilfulness, as his,
2 Kings vi. 33, yet it is true I am stollen to do that really which he did advisedly: so that as yet I have not learned that uninterrupted waiting. So that when the Lord visits my soul with refreshful thoughts of my privileges, and puts it in health, yet very much of my comfort is impaired through the remembrance of my uneven carriage during the want of it; whereby I am moved to think, that it is not leal-come, but accidentally and not in love, when not helped to wait on the Lord for it. It hath once comforted me to think, that though the mercy hath not come as a fruit of either my waiting or prayers, yet hath it come as a fruit of Christ’s prayers, and merits, and sufferings, and this hath satisfied me. nth Evil I cannot win to apply particular mercies fully and clearly, so as to have a persuasion of such a mercy I am seeking for; though I win to some application of general promises, such as these, “Christ came to save sinners;” “God sent not His son to condemn the world;’* “Christ came to seek and save that which was lost;” which quiet my spirit. So that when I am reading of particular promises for removing of such and such straits, and for giving such and such blessings, they do not comfort me more than in their general nature they show God’s goodness; and, therefore, I find not strength in them to plead for such a particular mercy, nor to persuade my mind of it that I shall obtain it, only they in the general quiet me. And hence I am not distrustful of my salvation, or of my happiness in the general; but whether I shall get such a particular mercy, or be delivered from such an evil. All the promises of deliverance do not breed in me an assurance or persuasion of it; so as, though God hath granted me many particular mercies, especially in temporals, which I have prayed for yet of none of them was I assured, though I have been made to hope before the granting and fulfilling of it; though some say, A faith of dependence is only requisite in such cases. But, besides the contrary experience of the saints, and the rendering void all particular promises, I have much to say against this. Oh to know what this means, which is in John: “We know that if we ask according to His will, He heareth us,” and granteth our desires; and “this confidence we have of Him.”
2tJ1 Evil. I cannot win above the fears of men, so as to break out in open defiance and arms against the world; but am kept in strong chains of fear and bashfulness to displease them, so as I cannot boldly reprove, exhort, or be free with many whom yet I know or strongly suspect to be in a sad condition, especially if they be great ones. And when at any time I win to do anything of this, it is with a great deal of reluctance, nay, greater than to lay my head down on the block; and I strike so sparingly when I lift my rod, that I scarce touch them, which comes from my complying and soft easy nature; insomuch that my neglects of such duties have been matter of my greatest exercises, and I think I fear not so much their prejudice or outward loss, as the thing itself is grievous, and displeasing of men, and to be thought ill of them.
13M Evil. I can never win to a watchful, self-diffident, and fearing frame, when at any time enlarged; but, notwithstanding of my multiplied falls, I will, when in any good frame, or gotten up again, with Peter, be persuaded that I will never be so as before, but will confidently promise to do this or that, and will not believe that any tentation will break this resolution; which confidence is not founded on the Lord, but comes from a presumptuous conceit and trust I have in myself. In a word, I cannot win to disbelieve my own heart, nor be so-persuaded of its weakness and deceitfulness. It is true, in great matters I am diffident of myself, but in small matters and resolutions I go about them continually in my own strength, and ever come short of them.
lth Evil. I can never win to carry rightly in public occasions, but am ever the worse of them; I meet with little of God, and see so little of Him, and get so little grace exercised, and am so carnal while doing any little civil business even to which I have a call, that, prepare my heart as I will ere I go out, and watch never so carefully, I find my whole man poisoned, and myself worse, and I come home with a world of challenges, so that company and civil business are a terror to me, and travail, a going to hell itself. I never know what to do when out of my chamber; I have not yet known what it is to traffic christianly in the world, but have been carnal in my ends and carriage, forgotten God, drowned in worldly matters. Oh when shall I be spiritual in carnal actions; in eating, drinking, bargaining, doing all as God’s work! And when shall I get and do good in public occasions!
th Evil. The promises and the Gospel, with Scriptureconsolations, make me trust, believe, and hope, and quiet me in all my afflictions; yet do not so abundantly satisfy me, as to make me “rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory,” and as to lose sense of any other thing.
16th Evil. I can never win to keep my resolutions, so as in my practice to walk perfectly with God, so as to walk in peace; but every day I have challenges, not for sins of mere infirmity, but for such sins as might be helped, and which by mere unwatchfulness I fall into; such as to continue long departing from God, entertaining vain thoughts, vain idle words, mispending of time, excess in lawful comforts, slothing of private duties, doing things rashly, and such like, which are not wholly voluntary, or yet wholly of mere infirmity. Oh to sin but of mere infirmity! To walk thus perfectly with God I cannot, but there hath ever been a breach. By what I can learn, I never kept my vows even when the matter was possible.
17th Evil. Continual great unwillingness and indispositions to duties of all kinds, driving ever like Pharaoh’s chariots (though, when once engaged in the duty, I find more delight and sweetness ordinarily in them than from the world), so as there is unwillingness to go to them, pain in them, and gladness when they are done; but especially in the engaging. Oh the power, wicked power in me, resisting God, and drawing back from him I
%ih Evil. That I do not grow or go forward generally in the ways of God, nor yet get a particular work and exercise thoroughed; I think I am like “the door that turneth itself on the hinges.” I make a motion in prayer, resolving and professing; but I am still where I was: I find the same ignorance, the same deadness, the same indispositions, the same unprofitableness, the same unbelief, the same power of sin as before; I fight, I wrestle, but do not overcome. I am exercised with troubles and other providences, but I see not what comes of them, they go away like knotless threads; and there is no end of my labour.
ith Evil. That I get so little light, comfort, or strength from public ordinances, pray, watch, prepare as I will; I mean sacraments, meetings, sermons. I find not nor see the power and glory of God, so as to draw near to him; I meet not with God in them. I find not sin mortified nor subdued, nor grace increased; and seldom is my heart bettered, but I find a constantly dead, lifeless, indisposed heart, and no sensible alteration in the time; and any sensible good I get is in private, though I find a real insensible good in public ordinances
20th Evil. Above all, I find a great unwillingness to teach, exhort, and do good to others, or to glorify God publicly; I cannot delight in this, nor go about this in faith of a blessing, nor with success, nor earnestly; but there is with me much constrained work, many occasions slighted of going about it, and the heart itself dead and heartless, and untouched with the glory of God, or the good of the person, especially if unconverted.
2lst Evil. I find not a power persuading me of any truth. I have only a weak opinion and love to it, but I find not God with a mighty power revealing and persuading of truth; yea, there hath been much of nature in particular truths, though as to my general change and illumination there hath been a sensible almighty power; therefore am I still weak in my belief and practice. I have other evils, but these I find the strongest, and that stick closest and continue longest; I fight against and mourn under these, but they continue still in their strength.
SECTION III.
Declaring my present exercises, lessons I am learning, studying, and in which I have made some proficiency.
My life is a mystery to me; what I purpose and intend, that do I not. Though I have been little exercised, and as little advanced in these fore-mentioned exercises, yet hath the Lord been exercising me with some things which I intended, beyond my design; as:
1. I have been called to exercise the life of faith, to walk by it and not by sight; in which, by the Lord’s revelation of the Gospel, and from some consideration on 2 Cor. v. 7, I have been exercised, especially through tentations, which seek to make me misbelieve, and do discourage me.
2. The Lord hath been learning me, and I have been exercised in the grace of submission to the Lord’s will in crossing mine; and I win to write a hearty amen thereunto, and to say, “Good is His will,” let it be done, and not mine.
3. I have learned and someway exercised patience, which is a continued submission and quiet obedience, and the constancy of the spirit, in not being shaken, or moved, or diverted with evil; and I have this lesson continually in my head, and therein have made some progress.
4. I am learning to read love in the greatest of evils, sin, desertions, afflictions, plagues of heart and disappointments; and to put good constructions on all God’s dealings; and when anything comes, though ever so cross, I first inquire, What love can I see in this?
5. I am casting out and have cast out the bond-woman and her child out of my soul, I mean the slavish spirit of fear, and the proud self-acting spirit, beating in daily evangelical principles in my head, so as now I find more faith and love in my actings.
6. I am drawing my heart to love the Lord Jesus, and to close with Him with my whole heart, and to be content to live with Him alone, shunning departing from Him, and striving to beget and entertain familiar and kind thoughts of God in Christ, and to root out of my heart my strange and hard thoughts of Him and of Christ.
7. I am making the world a stranger to me, daily meditating of such considerations as may mortify my heart thereunto, God furthering this enmity by providences, whereby I find the world my constant enemy, and am thereby made to hate and despise it, and to be carried with indignation against it.
8. I am studying sobriety in my affections, actings, and carriage, in seeking after moderation, in not being much moved with any occurrence, studying always to be kept within bounds, and to be my own master.
9. I am taken up with observing of providences, especially in reference to myself, to see what God’s ends may be in them, why they are sent, and what is suitable duty; but, above all to see God in them, in His wisdom, holiness, and love.
10. I am endeavouring to be profitable to others, and what my generation work is, and studying the right way of going about it.
n. I am helped to study and exercise thankfulness, the greatest help whereunto is the consideration that all favours are from God, and so many pledges of heaven, and bought with the blood of Christ.
12. I am studying to know the glory of heaven, to be drawing all my consolations from this, and to be making it my treasure.
13. I am studying to make Christ my all, even “wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption,” and, in the want of all, to live in, and on, and from Himself alone. These have been my exercises this while bygone, though beyond my intention.
Lastly, I learn dependence on God in outward straits, to recommend all things to Him, to believe on Him, for deliverance, to be comforting myself from Him, waiting for an out-gate, and to be observing His hand in supporting under and delivering from manifold troubles; and to be from these experiences increasing in love and faith. And, indeed, I have found manifold experiences of late of outward deliverances, so that my life hath been a continual coming in and out of troubles, and every trouble seemed a remediless one till God freed me out of it.
SECTION IV.
Declaring my growth in grace as to some particulars.
Comparing my present condition with times past, notwithstanding of my complaints of unfruitfulness, yet I find these sensible growths in me:
i. I am helped to improve time, opportunities, and occasions of doing and getting good better than formerly; so that these occasions that were spent in vain-talking, sloth, ease, and needless recreations, are now better improven to the glory of God, edifying of myself and others; and these occasions are likewise more prized.
2. I find more sobriety and temperance as to meat, drink, recreations, and company, and greater strength against and hatred to sin, and a more violent resisting of it.
3. I find I have much increased, not only in a notional knowledge, but in an experimental knowledge of some necessary points, which have had a powerful and blessed influence on my heart and conversation. I know more of God’s nature and of Christ stamped on my heart, the covenant of grace and faith, patience, duty, and the nature of sanctification, the deceits of Satan, and wildness of my own heart, and my mistakes anent truths.
4* More diligence than formerly in prayer, meditation, and reading of the Scripture, more hearty and frequent in them; as likewise, making more conscience of doing good to others, and pitying them more. Much in extraordinary duties.
5. Faith discovered to act more vigorously than formerly, even against oppositions, being more purely grounded on the word in opposition to sense; the grounds more strong than formerly, giving greater ease, and security, and strength, and joy, than before; as likewise, more constantly and more strengthened to duties, and against objections and discouragements, insomuch that these doubts, which before would have dung [driven] me off my feet, I am now helped through grace to withstand; nay, to believe more strongly, so as there is no objection but I can say something to it.
6. I find more love to the Lord Jesus than formerly, a greater estimation of Him, greater mourning for His absence, desiring and longing after Him with more ardent desires, and a greater love and loveliness discovered in Him than before.
7. Patience more in exercise than before.
8. More sober, grave, watchful, circumspect, and spiritual in my conversation, which before was light, carnal, and unprofitable, as it is in part yet.
9. More familiar knowledge of, and acquaintance with, God in Christ. Better acquaint with, and more kindly uptakings of Him, and more love seen in His person and providences than before.
10. Sorer exercised with inward and outward trials than formerly, gathering from the proportion of my burdens, hardness of my lessons, and difficulty in the work, the increase of strength and wisdom.
11. Audience of prayer made out more distinctly than formerly.
12. I find my enmity to, contempt and fear of, the world increased.
13. More strength, wisdom, and success in going about civil business; and of late the Lord’s hand turned upon me in taking off my burdens.
14. Under more serious and deeper apprehensions of the great things of the law, of sin, hell, heaven, eternity, than formerly; more wakened than serious.
15. I have left off several sins which before I was subject unto, as drinking of healths, playing at cards, haunting without conscience ungodly company, gluttony, vain frothy discourse, lightness, jesting, and neglect of duties.
16. I find a sensible mortification of pride, being more vile in mine own eyes, less seeking the applause of others in duties or words, more submissive to cross dispensations, less contending and striving with others, but bearing infirmities, and covering them, and more prizing of and thankfulness for meaner and small mercies.
17. More spiritual and evangelical in working than formerly, doing things now out of respect to His command, relying more on His strength, more confidence of being accepted, and more thankfulness for acceptance.
18. I am helped to see and observe more of God and His ways than formerly, and to gather more instruction therefrom.
19. And, as I think, my gifts are increased, at least as to speaking. Notwithstanding of late I find a decay in some things, especially in diligence, tenderness, and usefulness to others, being more worldly, and my wants and imperfections are so great even in these same particulars, that I daily mourn, fear, abhor, and humble myself under them; nay, my wants are so great, my spots so foul, my sins so many, as oftentimes with fear and sorrow of heart I say, Hath God ever loved me with the love of His chosen? doth the Spirit of Christ indeed dwell in me? shall I indeed go to heaven? and will Christ say, “Weil done, good and faithful servant?’’
SECTION V.
Declaring the objective Grounds of my doubting my conversion and actual 17iterest in Christ, with the special and general answers thereto.
Since the time I knew anything of God until this day, the tempter has not ceased to make me continually raze the foundations. And I find that it has been his first and greatest drift to make me doubt of my conversion, by proponing of false marks, and making me to imagine grace to be another thing than indeed it was; and by inconsiderate reading of marks of sanctification given in good books, some of which I found afterwards not well cautioned, and by a confident asserting I was not converted. So that, for the space of three years after my real conversion, I not only doubted of my conversion, but believed that I was all the time rather in an unconverted state, but thought I was in the way, and had good hopes. But the Lord making the fruits of sanctification to appear, I began to think otherwise, and in process of time to think rather I was converted, and to settle that as a conclusion, which, though the devil cannot totally overturn, yet ceases he not to shake it, which by search I found out to be summed up in these twenty branches.
1 st Ground. Because there was not such a distinct, long, orderly, and deep work of preparation and humiliation at first conversion as I found described in practical books writing of the new birth. Answer, There was a work of the Almighty power of Chirst discovering sin and a natural condition as the greatest evils, which put me out to restless endeavours to come out of this; and I found the inability of myself and all duties to bring me out of this condition. And the Lord did by a marvellous light discover the Lord Jesus to me as the Saviour of sinners and their full happiness; and my heart immediately closed with Him wholly and fully, which in its fruits hath continued to this day. 2do, That though the substantiate of conversion be observed generally amongst all, yet do not all persons’ cases agree as to the circumstantials of conversion, that is, as to the length, measure, and manner of the spirit of bondage, as is likewise clear from Scripture. 3//^, The question is not so much hop- Christ came in, as if He be in. If ye find the fruits of holiness, it is well, though ye know not how they were sown or grown; “The kingdom of heaven cometh not with observation.”
2nd Ground. My ordinary, uneven, unsettled, unprofitable, way of walking with the Lord, the ordinary strayings and departings of my heart from God; which unstableness in all my ways makes me fear double-mindedness, and to question whether my heart did ever find and see the exceeding evil of sin, seeing I so easily fall into it; and how this can consist with the love of God that ought to be in the heart. Answer, Though I cannot deny these sins as to the matter, yet these considerations are suggested unto me as answer thereunto: (1) They are not the spots of the world, 2 Pet. ii. 20, they are as to their nature like the “spots of His children,” they are unwatchfulness, shortcomings as to the heights of duty, idle words, fits of unbelief carnality in the use of lawful comforts. (2) I bless God they are not the sins of the time; I have been through grace kept from bowing of the knee to Baal. If I die in this wilderness, it is for my own sin, and not that I have any part in the general conspiracy. (3) I find they interrupt not the Lord’s kindness utterly, but find that in my worst His “visitations uphold my spirit.” (4) Though the bush be burning, yet it is not consumed; the spark of spiritual life that the Lord hath kindled remains still burning, yea and increasing, for all these showers of sin that seek to quench it. (5) Though I have departed, yet not wickedly from God. I sin neither deliberately, delightfully, with full consent nor lie impenitently in my sins; I grieve and mourn for them, and hate them. (6) I find sin on the decaying hand. (7) I find advantages by my sins, “Peccare nocet, peccavisse vero juvat*” I may say, as Mr Fox, my sins have in a manner done me more good than my graces. Grace and mercy “hath abounded where sin hath abounded.” I am made more humble, watchful, revengeful against myself, to see a greater need to depend more upon Him, to love Him the more that continues such kindness to me notwithstanding of my manifold provocations. I find that true which Shepherd saith, “Sin loses strength by every new fall.”
$rd Ground. My fearful, dark, hellish ignorance, and carnal conceptions of God, heaven, and hell, by which I am tempted to draw this conclusion, that I am yet in darkness, and that that marvellous light which discovereth Christ really as He is, the glory of the Father, hath not shined on my soul; but that all my knowledge is either rational, or notional, or natural. Oh my unspeakable ignorance of Him! To which, for satisfaction, I answer these things: (1) That no man hath seen God face to face, but in His back parts, wrhich is a very imperfect knowledge, Exod. xxxiii. 23; this was it that Moses saw. (3) Saints “see but through a glass,” not immediately in this life, 1 Cor. xiii. 12. (3) And hence they see but darkly, as in a mystery, 1 Cor. xiii. 12. (4) The most eminent saints have much lamented their ignorance of God, Prov. xxx. 2, “I am more brutish than any man, and have not the understanding of the holy.” O how little a portion of Him is known! (5) This is a time of absence, and it is but a dark knowledge we have of one not present; it is in heaven we will “see face to face, and know as we are known, and see Christ as He is,” 1 John iii. 3. (6) “We walk by faith, and not by sight,” 2 Cor. v. 7. Seeing is our life in heaven not here. It is a controversy whether the sight we have here of Christ be specifically different from what they have in heaven. (7) It is considerable, Job xiii. 5, that when Job saw the Lord extraordinarily, he thought his former knowledge but a knowing God by the hearing of the ear; and yet, when Job knew but by the hearing of the ear, and not by the seeing of the eye, he was then a “just man, that feared God, and eschewed evil.” (8) I saw the Lord in glory with the eyes of my mind once extraordinarily, and as I thought intuitively, the impression and effects of which remain to this day. (9) I have and find the real effects of saving knowledge. I trust in Him, “They that know Thy name will put their trust in Thee,” Psalm ix. 10. It makes me prize and esteem Him, and long for Him above all things, and mourn for His absence as the greatest evil, John iv. 10, “If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that asketh water of thee, thou wouldest ask.” Though the thing be not seen in its cause, yet it is seen in its effects. (10) Folk may really see and know God, though they neither mind it nor know it, yea, though they think they do not so, John xiv. 9, Philip desired to see the Father, as though He had never been revealed to him; and yet Christ tells him he saw Him, because he saw Christ. (11) The Lord saith, “To execute judgement is to know the Lord.” Our knowledge of God is better discovered in our obedience to Him than in our uptakings of Him. (12) As “herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us;” so herein is knowledge, not that we know Him, but rather, as the Apostle saith, Gal. iv. 9, “are known of Him.” What shall I say, lastly but as Mr Shepherd on the subject, “If ever the Lord hath revealed Christ to thee, thou wilt go mourning to the grave for want of Him, and for thy ignorance of Him so long?” The Lord knows that it is the thing in the world I have most desired, to know God and to see His glory.
lth Ground. That seldom hath there been a glorious clear, distinct, and full covenanting with God. Something I remember of the Lord’s wooing of me; and how can the Lord be mine unless some marriage-day hath been? And whenever I have gone about this duty, how much heartlessness and confusion? In trouble I have been, but not a distinct delivery. This objection is of the same nature with the first, and therefore I answer (1), When the Lord first made me see a need of Himself, and my misery in the want of Him, and had wearied me of myself, I remember then He discovered the Lord Jesus in His loveliness, and my soul, even my whole soul, was made fully and for evermore to close with Him, and Him only, and above all, and for all things. And as this was the upshot of my tossings, so was it the seed of all good that ever followed, and I was made to express this much. (2) As, in the preparatory work of humiliation, the Lord observes not the same method with all, so, in the soul’s closing with Christ, all do it not under the same distinct notion. Some do it explicitly, and expressly subscribe with heart and hand that they are the Lord’s and swear fealty to Him; some close with Christ implicitly and really, their heart clinging to Him and His ways, though they be not distinct and express in this; yea, some close with Christ, and are married to Him by and under the notion of believing on Him with all their heart for all things, and so cast themselves on Christ; and this is covenanting, as covenanting is believing. And, therefore, is faith expressed under several notions and terms, according to the variety of men’s apprehensions of it, and the several exercises of the soul in going out after and closing with Christ. Believing on Christ, and the will’s liking of Christ, and personal covenanting with Christ, are all one upon the matter, viz., the soul’s union with Christ; the Lord is thine, however, and thou art His. It is both a private and public solemn marriage; if once thou know anything of it, look not for solemn marriages every day. Hardly is the renewal of a covenant, which is frequent, so glorious and signal as the first marriage-day.
$th Ground is, Not only the dim apprehensions, but the unkindly uptakings and conceivings of the Lord in Christ, as a strange God, and not under the kindly relation of a father, and friend, and husband, which breeds aversion to Him, so as I cannot trust on Him with my whole heart. And this makes me fear I am but under the relation of a servant, wanting the Spirit of adoption, and that I am yet but a stranger, and not drawn near to Him in Christ, not a son. To which I answer these things: (1) That, however, in the beginning there was ground for this complaint, yet that now there is no such cause, because that by serious meditation on Christ, on His offices, on His carriage towards sinners, and on His works of providence towards myself, both as to my spiritual and temporal condition, I have been helped to see the Lord, and uptake Him under the kindly notion of a Father, yea, of my best and nearest friend, of my life, hope, health, and light, so as “I am a stranger on earth” with God. (2) That howbeit many are sons indeed, and “have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear,” yet do they take to themselves this spirit again; and the Lord suffers this, that even His children be as servants, especially in the beginning, though they be lords of all; and that the bond-woman with her son be continued with the heir of the promise, Gal. iv. 1, 2, 24. (3) That as no sin is perfectly healed in this life, so neither is the legal spirit of fear perfectly cast out; but when love is perfect it will cast out fear, 1 John iv. 18, and is daily casting it out, (4) That as it is in children who know not distinctly their parents, but as strangers are afraid of them, yet have a secret instinct of nature, their heart warms, and cannot be kept away from them; so I have found with myself, when most under bondage and hardest apprehensions of God, that yet some kind of correspondence hath been kept up, and that I have mourned for His absence as under the greatest evil, could not be kept from Him, was intimate and homely, though I had not such boldness and confidence to be heard.
6th Ground. Because I am tempted to think I have not been visited with special love, or the favour the Lord shows to His people; and that all my enlargements, visitations, light, change of heart, are but common mercies, no extraordinary thing. And what can I build on them? I answer (1), That though at first there appear little more than common mercies in them, yet have I by a more narrow search found some special love and favour engraven upon them, as I purpose to show hereafter. (2) What we meet with now are but the earnest of the bargain, and that is little in respect of the bargain itself; and it matters not whether the earnest be little or much, 2 Cor. v. 7. (3) We should judge of the Lord’s love rather by His sanctifying influences, humbling and strengthening the heart, than by His ravishing enjoyments and consolations.: We see the dreadful end of such as boast much of that; it is the “adulterous generation” that “seeketh after” such “signs.” (4) The way and manner of conveyance of mercies and spiritual visitations are rather to be looked to than themselves. See if ye have them by prayer, if ye have them of free grace, if they represent, hold out, and draw to God, and the Lord be stamped on them; not the gift but the giver: This day of small things is not to be dispised. (5) The people of God are a poor and needy people, kept empty, have all their fulness in Christ, in the promise; and is to be revealed in Heaven, where their treasure is. (6) This is an evil time, a time of famine and beggary, in which it is good to be preserved from starving, and in which a little is worth twice as much as at another time.
pylh Ground. That the mercies received come not in a gracious way, not as the answer of prayers, or as the result of my patient waiting, but as it were by chance, my mercies, oft-times trysting with my worst frame. To which I answer (1), I have prayed, mourned, waited, and hoped for mercies, though with much weakness and imperfection. It is not the degree but the nature that is to be looked to. (2) They are not the fruits of my prayers and endeavours; for there is more ground of loathing me for these than rewarding me. But they are come in a better and more comfortable way, viz., by grace. The Lord trysts mercies with our indispositions, that grace may be seen. It is rather a sign of love than hatred, that grace is stamped on all favours and enjoyments: “Not unto us, but unto Thy name.” It is better to hold mercies by this title. It is not fit that the Lord’s love should be proportioned to our endeavours; where were grace then? “Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (3) They draw to God.
8th Ground. The Lord carrying as a stranger and an enemy to me, crossing me in all my ways, not giving me my will, so that it would seem He were not my father. To this I answer these things: (1) That He causes grief, and shows wrath, yet not pure wrath; He “takes not His loving-kindnesses utterly away,” but they are “renewed every morning.” He shows much kindness in the midst of all His judgments. (2) Our will, like children, is not our well; and it is a mercy to be crossed in this. God knows what is best for us. (3) This is a time of wrath, a night; and what wonder if storms and darkness be? (4) Ye see, saints have complained of this: “Why art thou unto me as an emeny?” Job saith, “Thou art cruel unto me.” (5) Sense represents God falsely; it is to sense and fancy that God thus appears, not to faith. We should take other interpreters than sense. (6) We should not look upon all things that may be trials as effects of wrath: “God hideth man from His purpose,” that He may hide pride, that the soul may be patient and humble, and exercise faith. (7) It is utterly wrong that anything without us should make us doubt our inward sincerity, seeing these are extrinsic to it: “No man knoweth love or hatred by anything under the sun.”
gth Ground. That prayers are not directly and plainly answered. To this I answer (1), As in the former, that it is a thing without us, and so extrinsic to our sincerity. In this matter, regard is to be had rather to the manner of our prayers than to our answers. (2) There is no fear, if ye pray in the name of Christ, in faith, in humility, and sincerity, though they should not be answered. (3) I have ever been helped in my extremity, in the deep, Psal. cxxx. 1. (4) It is an ordinary complaint of saints, Psal. xxii. 1, 2; Lam. iii. 8, “He shutteth out my prayer.” (5) Prayers may be suspended when they are not rejected, Luke xviii. 4, 7. (6) There is no fear while ye continue in well doing; for “in due time ye shall reap, if ye faint not.” Where God hath given a mouth and stomach, He will give meat. Your cause is in dependence, not overthrown; and it is good that ye get what will bear your expenses till a decision be given. (7) I find myself better and worse as I increase or decay in prayer; a token they are not altogether-in vain. (8) Prayers may be heard, and ye not know it, Hos. xi. 3. (9) The answer of prayers is not ordinarily direct and plain in the terms of our petition, but indirect; ye have not the same thing ye seek, but ye are answered equivalently in as good. (10) I get promises renewed, (n) It is like, when the Lord will build up Zion, there will be many answers dispatched. Now is a sowing time; hereafter is our harvest, and then all petitions shall be answered. (12) After search, I found some petitions directly answered; and it is want of taking up and considering our returns, or our own sloth, that hinders us from discerning our returns. Sometimes the Lord hears, and we are so prejudiced that we will not believe it, as in Job’s case.
10th Ground. Want of compassion to, and deep apprehension of, the lamentable soul’s case of my unconverted relations and ignorant, profane, formal neighbours: Oh it lies not heavy on my spirit! Do I believe therefore a hell or heaven, or that the ignorant or unconverted shall go to hell? I answer (1), By confessing that there is great want of compassion, and faith, and seriousness in this, and that there is great deadness — Lord help it; for we believe, love, and prophesy but in part only. (2) I mourn for this, and this deadness is loathsome and hateful to me. (3) I am yet helped, upon occasional views of their condition, to have my sorrow stirred, and to be earnest for them with the Lord, yea, and to pour forth tears and sighs of grief for them, and to find my compassion sensibly stirred.
11th Ground is a constant indisposition of spirit to all manner of duties, unwillingness to enter to them, wearied and heartless in them, and glad when they are done; so that I fear there is not a new nature which delights in the Law of God. To which I answer these things: (1) That as there is a regenerate and unregenerate part in every believer, which is continually opposite to that which is good; so this indisposition doth proceed from the unregenerate part in which no good thing dwelleth, Rom. vii. 8; and this should make us question our state no more than the being of a body of death. (2) That I find something in me that mourns under this, which esteems, approves, and sees a glory and delight in the Law of the Lord, Rom. vii. 22. “The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (3) That therefore I am not so much wearied of the duty (which I love), but of my own ill heart in the duty: As a loving son, that hath a pained foot, is willing to run his father’s errand, and glad to be employed, and yet the sore foot makes the journey a burden; there is a thorn in the flesh. An unsound heart’s opposition is to the duty itself; hypocrites love not all duties. 1 2th Ground. Because I found not a full resolution to obey some difficult commands, such as plain and free reproof, especially of great folk; plain dealing with my acquaintances as to their state: Which makes me think I am not universal as to my obedience; and that I am but partial in my obedience. To this I answer these things: (t) That though I exceedingly fail in the manner as being heartless, general, and having base ends, not altogether respecting the good of the party I deal with; yet, through grace, I win to do the duty as to the matter and substance of it. (2) That when I do it, I find I do it not only to ease my conscience, but out of respect to the command of God.
(3) That I prize, love, esteem, and have respect to this duty, and my heart would be at it; and am straitened and in pain till I discharge it. I approve that “the Law is holy.”
(4) I pray, mourn, and loathe myself under my failings in this, and have fetched it to Christ; and it is strange to me that that sin, for which I groan to the Lord Jesus to be delivered from it, should or can damn me. It is the Lord’s controversy: “Wilt thou not be made clean?” (5) It is through accident that those duties are omitted, through my natural bashful temper. A man would do a thing willingly, but is in bonds that he cannot get it done; I find that “when I would do good, evil is present.” (6) There is not a full conviction of the duty, but especially of the way and manner how it should be performed: “How to do I know not.”
$th Ground. That I am not so taken up in heart with heaven, in longing after it, delighting and rejoicing in the expectations thereof; and, therefore, my heart not being there, it is likely it is not my treasure. To which I answer (1), Look, as when Philip said to Christ, “Show us the Father, and it sufficeth us;” Christ answers, “You have known Him, because he that hath seen Me hath seen the Father.” So I say: He that desires and mourns after Christ mourns for sin, and desires to be holy, loves the fellowship of God’s people, doth really love and long for heaven; for what is heaven but the enjoyment of Christ and conformity to Him; though in a more clear and distinct notion? (2) My unwillingness to go to heaven doth proceed from a desire to do some service for Christ ere I went: Much of my work I suspect is yet undone. (3) This proceeded from a want of a full assurance of my future happiness and some fears; for I love the thing. (4) I find myself of late more distinct and clear in my longings after, and joyful expectations of heaven, and my heart more heavenly-minded.
ith Ground. That I grow not, nor come not speed; nor am I throughing [advancing in] my work, but ever after one manner. I answer (1), That though there may be growth in grace, yet it appears not always sensibly, but grows as a seed of corn, and a man knows not; it “comes not with observation.” (2) Notwithstanding of remaining evils, yet do I find a remarkable growth, though not in the bulk of graces, yet as to the nature and purity; I have made better work, though not so much of it; I work more evangelically than I did before, with purer ends; I grow downward if not upward. (3) I have found a growth in faith, in love, in patience, in humility; dying to the world and myself and self-righteousness, and living unto God: Though in that which I propose to myself there is no growth. Yea (4), There is an expediency, if not a necessity, of pulling down a certain kind of righteousness; and hence a man shall find himself worse than before, ere ever the righteousness of God be set up.
15/// Ground. Because I find such an evil heart in me, such blindness, hardness of heart, carnality, pride, and other sins, and in such an high degree, that I say, “Did ever the Lord renew this heart? I answer (1), “In me, that is, in my flesh, dwelleth no good thing; and as to my unrenewed part, I am “carnal, and sold under sin.” There is a “body of death” in all. (2) As I find this in my flesh, so do I find a new man, that knows, delights in the Lord and His ways, and continually hates and opposes the body of death.
1 6th Ground. That I enjoy not this Lord Himself in ordinances, in public or private prayer, in hearing of the Word, or reading thereof, or through meditation; There is not that special fellowship with the Lord Himself, nor the glory or power of Christ found and seen; some light and strength, but little or none of God. To this I answer (1), That I really desire and love the Lord Christ above anything, and mourn for want of Him, and come to ordinances for Himself, and am unsatisfied with anything, though never so glorious, if it fetch not nor reveal a Christ to me: Yea, I love everything for His cause mostly; and it makes every mercy sweet to me, that it comes from the Lord. (2) Although through mine own sloth and unbelief, and because of an evil time and day of wrath there are not such plain and full visions of God; yet have I found ordinances, and duties, and works of Providence, reveal something of the Lord Himself, and of His love and greatness, so as my soul hath been drawn to the Lord Himself thereby, and to love, and admire, and adore, and delight in Him the more. (3) I have found the ordinances and means (though not sensibly nor presently, yet) in process of time bringing forth real fruits of holiness, so as I had reason to bless the Lord for such occasions; even as my body is really (though not sensibly) nourished by meat and drink. However, this point deserves a more serious consideration. i *]th Groutid. That my thoughts of sin, of hell, and of heaven, do not beget such lively impressions upon my soul. I tremble not at sin, death, and hell; I am not rejoicing in hope of glory; and this makes me think my knowledge and faith is but dead and lifeless. To this I answer (i), That though in my sensitive faculty I find not these impressions of joy and fear, yet do I find them in my estimative, appreciative faculty; so as I really judge sin to be the greatest evil, and am really most troubled with it; and I judge Christ, His grace and holiness, to be really the greatest good. A man is more pained, tormented, troubled, and cries out more for a boil on his finger than he doth when he knoweth he hath a hectic fever or consumption; and yet he truly judges the one a greater evil than the other. There is more fear than grief in the damned for sin than in any saint; and a soul newly converted and drawn to the ways of God, with assurance of Christ’s love, hath more sensible joy than a grown, assured Christian. Grace goes not by the sensible impressions on the affections, or rising of the sensitive faculty or appetite, which outward and sensible objects do elevate. (2) Saints have found and lamented this distemper, as it is such, and yet have not quit their interest, Isa. lxiii. 17, “Why hast Thou hardened our hearts from Thy fear?” And hence David and the Church do cry frequently for quickening, “Quicken us, O Lord, and we will call on Thy name.” (3) Baxter saith well, “Hardness of heart is more in the will and practice than in the sensitive faculty;” as is easy proven by Scripture. Disobedience is hardness of heart in Scripture.
Zth Ground is from my spiritual pride, which streams itself through all my actions, even my most spiritual, and hence I find that I resolve to be holy, to get an esteem, not from men but from conscience; I mourn for sin as it is a weakness, and as it is contrary to my design and resolutions. Yea, though I find an insufficiency in duties to save me* and so of necessity made to flee to another, yet do I find my heart secretly wishing that it were otherwise, that life were to be had through our own works; and this makes me secretly desire and endeavour to do something on earth that might be a part of my crown in heaven: and I found a despising of the glory revealed in heaven, if freely given, and no way merited; so that I am by this put to question whether ever I was dead to the law or not. To which I answer, omitting what may be answered to this by what hath been said, I satisfy myself with this, That as I find a spirit of self and pride acting, so do I find a spirit of humility loathing myself for this my pride, and a secret contentedness in breaking my resolutions even when they were good, because self was thereby debased, and the counsel of the Lord did stand: Yea, and I find “I rejoice in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me;” and I love heaven the better, because it is the purchase of Christ’s blood, and the fruit of free grace. 2dfy, “Self will be in every action (saith Shepherd); and this body of death will discover itself thus, as well as any other way.”
19th Ground. I find such instability in my heart and ways, such unequal steps betwixt the Lord and my idols, that I fear my whole heart is not come to the Lord; I am not his only. Oh the one heart, the united heart, the conjugal heart! But, alas! mine is parted betwixt the Lord and idols; and I sometimes delight in the Lord, and sometimes in my idols and worldly contentment, 2 Kings xvii. 33, They served the Lord, and they served their idols. I answer: 1st, No man ever closed so fully with Christ, or had such a conjugal love, but had some inclinations to idols, by reason of the unregenerate part. Our union of faith and love is imperfect, as well as any other grace; the unregenerate carnal part cries still for, and would be at, its lovers. In heaven our affections shall be wholly for the Lord. 2dly, The renewed part is for the Lord wholly and only, and gives not consent to what the flesh doth, but is led captive, and sighs under the bondage, and cries out against its own heartwhorishness; and the denomination is taken from the better part. “O miserable man that I am, who shall deliver me from this body of death?’’ Unrenewed men contentedly and allowedly divide their affections, they loathe not nor abhor themselves. 3d/)’, I find the Lord’s interest growing stronger and stronger in my soul.
2ot/i Ground. When I read that the “unprofitable servant is cast into utter darkness,” and consider the great disproportion that is betwixt my service and my rule and the former practice of saints, I cannot conceive how I can go to heaven, how the just Lord will give heaven to such an unprofitable servant; will ever Christ say to me, “Well done, good and faithful servant?” But for this I answer these things: lst, Heaven is not promised to the degree or measure of grace, but to the nature of it; the Lord accepts mites, cups of cold water, grains of mustard-seed; He will not quench smoking flax: I do service, though I cannot weigh it in measure. 2dly, Such is the condescendency and lovely nature of Christ, that He will crown those duties we are ashamed to own. Christ counts and prizes saints’ duties more than anything else in the world: “Ye visited Me, fed Me, gave Me drink. When saw we Thee hungry or naked? In that ye did it to one of these little ones, ye did it to Me.” It is Christ’s gracious property, He is soon pleased, and His yoke is easy. Parents are wonderfully taken up with the poorest and simplest action or speeches of their children. There is a fatherly love in Christ. ?,dfy, Heaven comes by grace, by Christ’s blood, and not by works; works are not your title to glory. “No law music,” saith Rutherford, “in heaven; no, “worthy is the Lamb.” Look not to what thou hast done, but to what Christ hath done; ye neither share in whole nor in part with Christ: good works are mentioned, not to buy or purchase glory by, but to evidence an interest in Christ and sincerity in grace; if there be as much as will evidence sincerity, there is enough. The least gold is gold as well as the greatest piece.
As for those general answers I promised, because these are included in the special answers given to the special objections; and in respect I am in the next section to go over some things relating to the same purpose, I shall not mention them.
SECTION VI.
Declaring my evidences of Regeneration and Heaven.
1st, A continued prizing and esteeming, and love of, and desire and mourning for, and longing after God in Christ above all things, above gifts, saints, duties, graces, and joys; and this wrought of new in my soul by an almighty power. “I love them that love Me;” 1 Peter ii. 7, “To you that believe Christ is precious.”
2d/)>, Real and fervent love to the saints, yea, all saints, and because such; with a contempt and hatred of others. I prize, esteem, and delight in the fellowship of saints above what I have to my nearest relations; and by this I gather that I am translated “from death to life,” and shall one day reign with them, 1 John iii 14.
$dfy, I am in heart engaged to the Lord Jesus His service, accounting it most glorious; and am desiring and accounting it as my greatest mercy to be employed for Him, and mourned for my unprofitableness, and great loss Christ is at with me as the greatest evil, 1 John iii. 10; John xv. 14, and have been assisted to do so in some measure; and that my shortcomings have proceeded from ignorance and unbelief.
lthly, Because that when, through the violence of temptations and suggestions, my fears do arise, and I then go and stayedly and diligently examine myself according to the Scriptures, and submit it to their determination, I find my condition and case good, and am made to hope; and if the Word absolve, who can condemn? Psal. xcvi. 13: Isa. viii. 20; Rom. ii. 2, The judgment of God is according to truth.
5 taty, Because, when, by the power of tentations and unbelief I conclude or apprehend I am unregenerate, I find much evil thereby, and these conclusions, like poison, utterly to wrong my soul, and my heart drawn from God, and utterly weakened to duty. Whereas, I concluding my state gracious, I find my heart enlarged, God’s countenance shining upon me, hatred to sin, and strength to go about duty; which I look upon as the Lord’s sealing these conclusions.
bthly Because that the Lord, by His mighty power, answering all my objections clearly and fully, with much pains, hath made me believe on the Lord Jesus, and come to Him, not only for peace and comfort, but likewise mainly for Himself and for sanctification, for removal, not of some sins only, but of all sin; and, above all, for delivery from my wicked nature; esteeming real conformity to and enjoyment of God the greatest mercy, and a natural condition the sorest evil, by which I distinguish my faith from hypocrites, Hosea xiv. 2; Micah iii. n.
jt/z/y, Because my love, faith, patience, and obedience, have been tried by the winds and storms of temptations, especially inward; and yet, through the strength of Christ my bow hath not broken, but He hath increased my strength; by which I am made to think I am built on the Rock, Luke vi. 48.
8t/ify, Because I have found the Lord, when He was drawing me to Himself, observe the same wray which He uses to draw His own to Himself. For I have found that He hath discovered my undone condition by nature, my distance writh and enmity to God, and my wildness; He hath affected me with this as the greatest evil; He hath discovered my inability to help myself, discovered to me my heart-pollutions, the insufficiency of duties; wearied and loaded me with my heart and ways, so as I utterly despaired of myself and ways, only hoping in the Lord secretly; and now, while undone, and acknowledging the Lord’s righteousness, I have by many wonderful providences, great and continued pains, been made with much ado, and over the belly of all objections, to come to Christ, and to believe on Him for upmaking all my wants, especially the want of Himself; and have received His promise upon this, which hath satisfied me, and given rest to my wearied soul; so that now I find His word my abiding security, and the Lord my light, strength, consolation, and glory. And being thus made by an omnipotent power to come to Himself by the warrant and on the authority of His Word, and that for all things, I do expect He will not cast me off, nor cast off the work of His hands; but, being called, will likewise be “justified and glorified,” John vi. 37; Rom. viii. 30.
gt/i/j, I find a real, inward, universal, and abiding change from darkness to light, from sin and Satan to God and His ways, wrought by a great power; and can remember how, and by what means, and when it was wrought, and how the Lord daily perfects it. By which change I am differenced from the rest of the world, and from what I was myself before conversion, and from all hyprocrites in the world; by which change, and that “all things are new,” I gather I am in Christ, 2 Cor. v. 17; Eph. iv. 22, 23, 24.
io//ify, Because, comparing myself, exercises of spirit, properties, and sins, with the saints in Scripture, I find them answer to one another as face doth to face; I find them complain of the same evils and distempers I complain of; and, in condemning myself, I must likewise condemn them, and so “offend the generation of the righteous.” And when I pass hasty conclusions against myself, I next say, Is there any that hath grace? And so, being like them, and of them, I think I will share alike with them at last.
wthly, A sensible growth in humility, knowledge, sobriety, faith, patience, love to Christ, deadness to the world and repentance; whereas hypocrites fall away. And, therefore, think that the good work is begun, seeing the Lord is daily perfecting it, Philip, i. 6; and this shows it to be a fountain “springing up to everlasting life,” seeing it is not dried up, John iv. 14.
12M/V, An universal “respect to all commands,” hatred to all sins; which is kythed in my loving every one of these commands, endeavouring to do every one of them, seeing a glory in every one of them, and mourning for all omissions, though through ignorance and infirmity I win not up to do them, Luke i. 6; Psal. cxix. 6.
13M/1’, I find, by diligent examination of myself according to the Scriptures, a clear difference betwixt all my graces and such as I have seen or read to be in hypocrites; and though I think I come behind all saints, yet find in me what is not in any hypocrite, Matth. v. 20, “Except your righteousness exceed,” etc.
ltfhly, That my works, obedience, and exercise of grace, come continually through faith, and from Gospel principles, rather than from legal motives; and that the consideration of honouring Christ doth draw me more strongly to my duty than any other motive whatsomever of benefit; which I look upon as the filial spirit and spirit of love given to sons, Rom. viii. 15; Gal. iv. 6; 2 Cor. i. 22; 2 Tim. i. 17. So that, as Isaac, the son of the promise, I can do nothing but through faith, and out of sense of His love and strength, Gal. iv. 28.
1 5 />#/)•, That I am not satisfied with any measure of grace, or length in duty, or communion with God, but evermore desire more; which shows to me that it is desired for itself and not for its effects, seeing the least measure of grace will bring to heaven. This was Paul’s spirit, Philip, iii. n, 12, 13; 1 Cor. xv. 57.
6thly, Because I find true poverty of spirit, and find a wildness in my best works, and mourn over my best performances, wondering that ever the Lord Jesus should respect them, glorying only in the Lord Jesus, Matth. v. 3; Isa. lxvi. 2. Hypocrites are never emptied of themselves.
ijt/ify, I find a hatred, loathing of, and mourning for, all sins of omission as well as commission; sins of others as well as mine own sins; secret sins and little sins as well as great sins; and Gospel sins above all sins; looking on sin as the greatest evil, Matth. v. 4.
iStA/v, Self-loathing and contented submission to the Lord in hardest dispensations, because it is the will of God; and accepting the punishment of sin, Job i. Hypocrites murmur when tried, and in their heart curse God. This was the trial of Job’s sincerity; if he had been an hypocrite, he would have cursed God either in heart or mouth.
19th/y, Because, in reading of the Scriptures, there is nothing that the Lord’s Spirit so applies and takes to my heart as encouragements, and promises, and persuasions, to do good unto others, and patience, and faith; and to be of good cheer, for God will not speak peace to the wicked, Isa. lvii. 21, and iii. 10. “Say to the righteous, It shall be well with them.”
2othly, I find that, in all evils that befall me, I am never suffered to put an ill-construction upon them; and a spirit secretly suggesting to me that it is for good, so as my heart is no way more sanctified than by this, Rom. viii. 15, and this I look upon as the Spirit’s witness.
2vstly That I never commit a fault, little or great, but it is corrected, Amos iii. 2, “You only have I known of all the families of the earth, therefore will I punish you for all your iniquities:” and this I look upon as a fatherly kindness; nay, that which He suffers in others, He reproves in me.
22dly, The Lord by all dispensations is wearying my soul of the world, putting enmity betwixt me and the world more and more; whereby I gather that I am not of the world
2y/v, The Lord’s constant following me with manifold kindnesses and love, in strengthening, comforting, quickening, supporting, visiting, and delivering me, being with me always in all my ways, never leaving me, doing me always good, bearing with all my infirmities. I find the Lord’s Providence one constant tract of kindness, bearing me in His arms as an eagle doth her young, by all means commending Himself to me; because He loved first, I am loved to the end. How shall I know a father’s heart, but by his fatherly dealing towards me? John xiii. 1.
2ilthly, I have by observation found, that everything works for good to me, the Lord doing good to me by sins, desertions, tentations, and afflictions. The end hath been a discovery of the Lord’s kindness in supporting and comforting me when troubled, and delivering me out of it, which hath drawn my love and confidence to Him; by these hath He kept me waking and tried, exercised, and increased any good in me. All His ways I have found mercy and truth, Psal. xxv. 10; Rom. viii. 28.
25////)’, I have seen grace stamped on all my mercies: as they come of grace, so I am made to see them all flowing in this channel. It is the elect that are saved by grace; the “children of the promise.”
26////1’, When I have been several times in anguish of spirit by reason of doubting of my interest, the Lord Jesus hath come and spoken to my soul in the Gospel, and told me He was reconciled to me; desired me not to fear; that He would do all things for me that I wanted; commanded me to believe; gave me grounds and reasons for believing; and overcame me, and made me believe. And hath He promised and will He not fulfil it? My hopes are built on the promise of God; He “cannot deny Himself.”
2jthly, I remark a special hand of God in all my deliverances. In a word, He lets none do me good but Himself; a token that He is my Lord. Who is it that cares for the children, and provides for the wife, but the husband and father?
SECTION VII.
Declaring some practical considerations and instructions which the Lord taught, and by which I attained to settling and peace as to my interest in Christ, and through which mists, doubts, and fears, were driven away.
I have been, for a long time after the Lord had indeed shown kindness to me, kept under by a spirit of bondage, through fears, and doubts, and mistakes, under which I have groaned for several years after my first conversion, through manifold sins and temptations; which did not only take away my peace, but did me much prejudice otherwise: but in process of time the Lord did dispel these mists and fears, and by His word and Spirit of wisdom made me see things freely given me of God, establishing my heart. He discovered my mistakes, so as now I believe rather that I am converted, and my way and day is lightsome. The means and considerations were:
1. That there may be grace in the soul really, though it appear not gloriously unto the soul. “Our life is hid in Christ,” Col. iii. 3; and “we know not what we shall be,” 1 John iii. 2. There is indeed a marvellous glory in grace and the spirit of holiness, but it is sullied with corruption; and our eyes are dim, and cannot see this glory but darkly: this is the rust and dross that is in and upon this glorious metal. We are now “lying among the pots; I am black,” saith the spouse. Our graces discover themselves by their effects rather than by themselves, as a little smothered fire doth by the smoke; hence, say not there is no grace, because ye see not the glory of it.
2. The Lord made me consider and know, that however, where there is one grace, there are all graces as to their being; yet are not all graces exercised when one is. The exercise of one grace, proceeding from life, shows that all graces are there, though the life of grace stream not nor vent itself in all actions; and, therefore, when we see grace stop one way, it ordinarily breaks out in another. Love cannot delight in God when He is away, because the object of delight must be present; but love vents itself in sorrow for want of, and ardent desires after, the beloved object. I cannot get this and that done, saith the soul; but grace vents itself another way, to wit, in mourning and self-loathing: and we see this frequently in Scripture, that there is ordinarily but one grace exercised, or two at one time; seldom do we see the ship with all her sails up. Think not, therefore, the gracious exercises of thy spirit delusions or co7nmon work, when thou canst not exercise all graces.
3. That grace and corruption are not to be looked upon in their actings on the sensitive and passionate faculties, so much as on the mind and will; for the strength of sin is there. Rom. vii. 21, Paul distinguished the law in his members, and the law of his mind. I thought, and so do many still, that hardness of heart was want of horrors, great fears, and terrors upon the spirit; but, by looking into the Scriptures, I see it consists more in the rebellion of the will and understanding. Mark vi. 52, It is said of the disciples, that “they did not believe, for their hearts were hardened.” Pharaoh’s hardness of heart did consist in the disobedience of his will. Gross objects and novelties have much influence on the sensitive faculties; therefore there is no ground to fear, though, lmo, We cannot tear nor be tormented with horror for sin; though we find not so passionate desires after -God, and so sensible as we do feel in the stomachs when we are hungry, or after an outward object. 2do, See what may be the cause why there is more tenderness at first conversion than afterwards. tie) Learn hence to judge of the graciousness of your spirits by the manner ye resolve in, more than by the executions of your resolutions. The frame of the heart in resolving should be more looked unto than in doing; for the outward court is given unto the Gentiles. Look to your estimations, love, desires, will, purposes, rather than to any other thing
4. True evangelical repentance consists rather in a sweet melting of hearF7oT*’sin, and loathing and forsaking of it, than in a fearful sensible apprehension of wrath and horror; for “perfect love casteth out fear.” And the humiliation which God requires is, to “break the bands of wickedness,” Isa. lviii. 6; otherwise the damned should have most repentance; 2 Cor. vii. 10, “Godly sorrow worketh not death.” Do not think thou wantest repentance, though thou wantest horror.
5. That the spirit of bondage, and horrors, and law-work, did in themselves produce evil effects, weakened the hands, drove from the Lord, and were evil in themselves, and contrary to the commands of God, “Fear not, cast out the bond-woman” contrary to Christ’s ends, “These things have I spoken that ye might have peace;” contrary to Christ’s allowance, “Ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear:” and therefore desire not a law-work or horrors, much less think not yourselves not sincere though ye want it and are kindly dealt with, but be rather thankful. It is true, the Lord by accidents doth good by this legal spirit. It is well distinguished by one, who distinguishes betwixt the event of a thing, and the effect of a thing.
6. “There may be sincerity in the heart, and love to God, when the Lord heareth not prayer, hides His face, and frowns, afflicts, and crosses, and smites in all the labour of the hand: we see, saints complained of this before. The Father is still a father when he chastises, yea, will chastise because he is a father, Amos iii. 2, Be more holy, and please God, and He will be a father to you. These may be trials; when thou therefore findest these things, conclude not that the Lord is thine enemy.
7. The quality, and nature, and sincerity of actions and graces, are rather to be looked into than the measure. Christ notices the widow’s mite, and cup of cold water, and the grain of mustard-seed. Consider not then how much, as what: grace and mercy here is but the earnest of glory. You will not question the bargain because of the quantity of the earnest. Be then thankful and rejoice in little mercies; the Lord’s people are a poor and needy people. Hast thou love, faith, humility, or knowledge? Then question not your state, though they run low.
8. By powerfully persuading me that it is the duty of all to believe on Christ, to come to Him; yea, both good and bad, humbled and unhumbled, are to rest on Him. It is true, none will believe but humbled sinners; and, therefore, are ministers bound to show them their misery, that they may seek to the physician. But it is the duty of all to believe; it is a moral duty that glorifies God, enjoined to the ignorant Jews, John vi. 28, 29, and the wicked are damned for want of this. And, therefore, though I find not these qualifications in me, I am not to stay away from Christ, but rather to come; for Christ as a Saviour is declared to save sinners immediately. Though unhumbled, yet it is thy duty to believe, as well as to sanctify a Sabbath.
9. Evils, such as afflictions, desertions, tentations, sins, plagues of heart, though in themselves they be evil, yet are in their end and destination from love and for good. The physician doth not hate because he makes the patient sick, nor doth the parent abhor because he correcteth. Hag. ii. 17, “Smiting in all the labour of the hands” is, that they may turn. Hos. v. 15, The Lord’s leaving of a land, and hiding of His face, is, that they may acknowledge their iniquities: the rod is, Isa. xxvii. 9, to “purge away sin.” The messenger indeed is hard-favoured and unpleasant to behold, but he hath a love-letter from God, and a sweet message; God therefore may love me, though I be trysted with these evils.
10. Prayers unanswered are not a sign of hatred. God hears, accepts, and loves the prayer, which He presently, to sense, directly answers not. imo, The beloved people of God complained of this. 2do, Unnecessary and needless petitions are only denied, such as great measures of grace, extraordinary raptures. 3//^, We ask what is not good for us; God will not give a knife to cut our hands. 4/0, God never denies His people without a reason, and sometimes shows the reason, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9. 5/0, God answers materially and equivalently, though not in our way, fancy, and notion. 6&?, Christ’s answers are oftentimes mysterious, and we uptake them not; when He really answers, it is we that hear not, because Christ opens His mouth in dark sayings. 7 mo, They are but suspended and not rejected, and shall be answered. Svoy Thou art the better of prayer, it is blessed to thee: what though thou get not what thou goest to court for? yet the Lord gives thee what bears thy charges coming and going, and bids thee come again. gmo, Thou gettest a promise of answer.
194 Ale mo us of the
ii. The love of God to a soul doth vent itself more in humbling, strengthening, and sanctifying the soul, than in comforting it with extraordinary raptures. They are not the strongest nor the best beloved Christians, whose sense is most indulged; “Blessed are they who see not, and believe.” Believing Mary is prohibited to touch Christ, and unbelieving Thomas is commanded to put his hands in his side. I have seen some, that have had great raptures of joy, prove but stark naught. The greatest mercy is holiness and grace to honour Him; if God bestow that, doubt not of His love, He will come again in heaven, and vent His love to thee.
12. The love of God doth vent itself to a gracious soul, not always in the channel wThich the soul cuts out to it to run in; it vents itself under any trouble, rather in supporting and comforting the soul under trouble, than in removing it. When the bush burns, the Lord’s love manifests itself, not in quenching the fire altogether, but in keeping the bush unconsumed. Rejoice therefore, if comforted, supported, and sanctified under trouble, though not delivered from it.
13. Our happiness, and Christ’s love to us, doth appear and is more in the promise, in Himself, and by what He will give, than by what saints have received or presently feel. “Our life is hid with Christ; and we knowr not what we shall be.” We have now but the earnest; “ear hath not heard, eye hath not seen, what is prepared.” Here is sorrow, labour, pain, and wants. Ye will never love Christ, nor rejoice in your portion, if you look not above your receivings, and to what you have in heaven; “Fear not, it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.”
14. A gracious frame doth not always last. True grace, as to the being, never perishes, though as to the disposition and exercise it may and doth. When the Lord hath visited a soul, and made the heart tender, and shined upon it, and then drawn a veil, and the soul findeth itself dead and heartless, it secretly thinketh all that it had formerly to be delusions, and so is unthankful and discouraged; why,
Rev. James Ft user of Brea, 195
because it is perished, and so at best it is but common. But a thing may remain in its root (“his seed abideth in him”) though the leaves fall; yea, it must be so, that thou mightest repair to the fountain, Christ, to fill thy empty bottles in: see it in saints; “All flesh is grass.” The meat ye eat in the morning will not serve at night.
15. By considering that the Lord, and His grace, mercy, and truth, is the ground of our hope, rejoicing, and glorying, our life, our light and consolation; He is “the confidence of all the ends of the earth,” 1 Cor. i. 31. Therefore our sins or shortcomings, weakness, blindness, should not discourage us, or make us doubt of heaven, or any mercy; because our title is not founded on these, but on the Lord Jesus Himself, and our hopes should be proportioned to the grounds of our hope. “In the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength,” therefore is there never ground of doubting.
16. As Christ in the days of His flesh, and appearance in the world, was growing up “as a plant out of a dry ground,” and that His “kingdom came not with observation;” so may the Lord come quietly without noise or din into a soul, and they not know it. It is a mistake to think, as many do, that when this Lord Jesus and King of glory shall come to the soul, heaven shall be, as it were, opened, and some glorious rapture, as the Jews did dream of His outward coming: no; He may come to the soul in a very poor and despicable condition, and ordinarily He is in the still small voice. Think not therefore that Christ came not to thy soul, because thou hast not seen Him in pomp and glory.
17. The Lord’s dealings and method with others are not our rule. It is the cause of much doubting and disquietness, that persons, reading unattentively in books the Lord’s way to others, hence cut out this channel to themselves, and think, Thus and thus I must be dealt with, or else not at all, and hence seek; and if the Lord truly come, yet if not in their model, they care not, believe not. 2 Kings v. n, Because the prophet would not cure Naaman in the way he proposed, he is offended. Let God tutor you. This is a “limiting of the Holy One.” The Lord may really come, and yet never in that way thou chalkest out to Him.
18. By making me consider and seriously ponder, that there is flesh and an unrenewed part, which inclineth to all evil, and leadeth captive to death, as well as there is a new man. And hence be not disquieted, as many are, though ye find carnality, pride, and opposition to every good way; if thou find a renewed part fighting against this, loathing thyself for and mourning under this; but cast the saddle on the right horse; attribute all thy evil to the flesh, and thy good to the Spirit.
19. Times should be distinguished. If in winter ye see neither leaves nor fruit on trees, ye wonder not: this is a winter, a day of famine; and, therefore, though the Lord never wholly leave His people, yet are there certain seasons when all the saints’ life and glory may be in the root; this is a day of famine, and of wrath and desolation. The righteous “bring forth fruit in their season.”
20. Faith is the most profitable duty to ourselves, most pleasing to God; and, on the contrary, I have found unbelief most hateful and dishonourable to God, and most prejudicial to myself, and therefore by all means to be shunned.
2T. Neither books, nor providences, nor suggestions, are our rule to judge ourselves by, nor to be credited absolutely; but the Scripture is our rule, and we are to judge of all things by it, and to fall and stand to this master. And every spirit, suggestion, and apprehension, ere it be admitted, is to be tried by Scripture; and if according to the Scripture ye be found sincere, then let books, suggestions, and all say what they will. And truly, most men’s fears and doubts proceed from mistaken marks given in books, or dumb suggestions, I think; but saith the Scripture so? Isa. viii. 20.
22. Look not so much on the beginning of a Christian’s life or exercise ns to the end; God’s dealings begin with
Rev. James F/aser of Brea. 197
tragedies, and end in comedies. The Lord will “do thee good in thy latter end; the latter end of that man is peace.”
SECTION VIII.
Containing general and special Rides for ordering my speech behaviour, and practice.
The Lord’s people walk by rule; their life is fitly compared, Heb. xii. 1, to a race; and I have therefore thought upon some general rules to be observed as the foundation of all true religion.
1. General Rules.
1st, Labour to know and find out wherein a man’s chief happiness doth consist: have an end to follow; till a man intend right, he can never have a right motion. Fix the heart in the belief of this, that the enjoyment of God in Christ is our happiness; and make the heart to close with this. Alas! the most of us walk at random, like beasts, without an end. This is the foundation of all, John xvii. 3, “It is life eternal to know God, and Whom He hath sent.
2d, It will much contribute to our motion in the way, to be armed with a strong and deliberate resolution to walk in such ways; this will determine us, Psal. cxix. 106, in, “I have chosen Thy precepts as mine heritage for ever.” “I have sworn, and I will perform it, that I will observe all Thy righteous judgments.” Consider and weigh the advantages and disadvantages of religion, and then thoroughly determine and bind thyself with the strongest engagements; be positive, not halting.
3d, Labour to have and keep right, sound, orthodox, and charitable thoughts of God: fix a lovely character of God in thy heart, such as, Exod. xxxiv. 6, 7. Fix the faith of God’s attributes — study this most; “This is life eternal.” Rom. x. 14, “How shall they call on Him whom they have not known?” It is a superstitious unprofitable worship that is not to the true God.
4///, Be always in duty; racers must keep the gate: never be idle. As there is an end, so there is a way; never sit still. Lay it as a foundation, to be always in duty; never to quit that, whatever it be. 1 Cor. xv. 58, “Always abounding in the work of the Lord.” Job xvii. 9, “The righteous holdeth on in his way.” We by idleness lose much; we are employed in such a work as we must not suffer to grow cold. Oh, our interruptions do us much prejudice! Little and little makes good speed at last.
5M, Walk by faith and not by sense; that is, make the Scriptures thy rule; think, love, judge, and do according to this. Examine all things: As a man hath an end and way so hath he a rule to direct him; this is the Scriptures, 2 Cor. v. 7; Duet. iv. 1, 2; and vi. 1, 2. Reject all other guides but this.
6th, Believe always, and never despair; keep the heart up. Whatever come, lose not your confidence; never sink by discouragement, hoping always stedfastly unto the end. “Trust in Him at all times, ye people.” Heb. iii. 6, “Hold fast your confidence stedfast unto the end.” No ground ever for despair — the ground of faith remains alway; therefore never lose your hope: “It is good for a man to hope,”’ Lam. iii. 26; Isa. xxvi. 4.
jth, Live near the Lord always; that which is expressed in Scripture by “walking with God, setting Him always at our right hand.” Let heart, thoughts, and affections, retain ever some impressions of His presence; fear always. Keep yourselves in the love of God; if departed, return again; if returned, keep with Him. All good is with God, and all ill comes from His absence and distance: “Woe unto them when I leave them.” Lose not your guide by any means; He is “all things,” life, light, strength, and health. Ye cannot be without this, Hos. xii. 6, “Wait continually on thy God.” Psal. xvi. 8; Gen. xvii. 1; John xv. 4, 5, 6, “Without Me ye can do nothing.” Psal. lxxiii. 28, “It is good for me to draw near to God.”
8M, Be always humble; never murmur; be always vile in thine own eyes; justify the Lord always; submit to every dispensation; let never your spirits be rankled or fired, Micah vi. 8, “Walk humbly with thy God.
gt/i, Keep your spirits sober and in health; if sick and distempered, ye cannot travel: not drunken with the “cares of this world,” Luke xii. 45. Be not lifted up with pride or passion; he whose spirit is lifted up within him is not right. Keep your spirits in an equal balance, 1 Pet. v. 8, “Be sober;” suffer not your passions to run to excess: sober in weeping, rejoicing, speaking, doing, fearing, Phil. iv. 5; 1 Cor. vii. 30. Be always master of thyself; unshaken.
io//z, Study temperance — this is objective sobriety; temperance in meat, drink, sleep, and recreations. Shun excess, by which the spirits are indisposed. The Heathen call temperance the ground-work and foundation of all virtue, 2 Pet. i. 5, 6; Prov. xxiii. 20. Racers must be dieted and temperate, 1 Cor. ix. 25, “He that warreth must be temperate in all things.” Surfeiting is forbidden, Luke xxi. 34.
n//z, Beware of worldly-mindedness, and being too much engaged in the world: “He that warreth doth not entangle himself in the affairs of this life,” 2 Tim. ii. 4. Have as little ado in the world as ye can; take no more in hand than ye are well able to master. If engaged, flee as a bird out of the snare, and put thy house in order, but put the world out of thy heart especially: “No man can serve two masters.”
12//^, Be watchful: beware of a spirit of slumber, stand always on your guard; “Watch in all things,” as the apostle commanded Timothy. “Blessed is the man that feareth always.” Be always suspicious, Prov. xxviii. 14. Never turn secure or careless; remember your adversary is still busy, and his snares are continually set: “Be vigilant” therefore, 1 Pet. v. 8. Keep your eyes always open; look and ponder everything; be not rash or hasty.
13///, Be diligent in the means both public and private, in hearing, meditation, Christian conference, ejaculatory prayer, reading; especially private prayer; a man cannot be a Christian without this. Ye cannot work or travel unless ye eat, Prov. x. 4, “The hand of the diligent maketh rich.” ith, Look upon sin as the greatest evil, and never to be done; whatever ye do, shun sin, and shun tentations to evil as well as evil itself.
2. Rules I daily follow in my daily walk: or, some special Rules for ordering my own particular conversation.
1st, In imitation of Christ and His apostles, and to get good done, I purpose to rise timely every morning, Job. i. 5; 2 Chron. xxxvi. 15.
2d, To propose, when I am up, some work to be done, or the work of the day, and how and when to do it, and to engage my heart to it, 1 Tim. iv. 7, and even to call myself to account, and to mourn for failings.
3d, To spend a competent portion of time every day in prayer, reading, meditating, spiritual exercises, morning, mid-day, evening and ere I go to bed.
lth, Once in the month either the end or middle of it, I keep a day of humiliation for the public condition, for the Lord’s people and their sad condition, for the raising up the work and people of God.
$t/i, I spend, by and attour this, one for my own private condition, in conflicting with spiritual evils, and to get my heart more holy, or to get some special exercise throughed, once in six weeks.
6th, I spend every week once, four hours over and above my daily portion in private for some special causes relating either to myself or others, relating either to temporal or civil affairs.
7///, To spend some time on Saturday towards night for preparation to the Sabbath.
8th, To spend six or seven days together once in a year, when I have greatest conveniency, wholly and only on spiritual accounts.
gth, My ordinary and extraordinary works, which every day I strive to finish, are, to mortify sin, to perfect holiness in the fear of the Lord, so glorify God, to instruct others and do them good, to attend on and walk closely with the Lord. This I propose every day to myself to do and finish, and at even do examine myself of my progress and diligence therein; this is my work and exercise.
10///, To be always on my guard, in a watchful, fearing frame.
3. Rides in speaking.
I have found by Scripture and experience how much it concerns us to watch our tongues, it being that instrument whereby we may do most ill or good to others, that hath influence on the whole body. And seeing religion kyths most in this (“He that bridleth not his tongue, his religion is vain;” and whoso can, is a perfect man,”) I will therefore set down some rules which I have proposed to myself for ordering my speech and words.
1st, Speak nothing materially sinful, such as lying, swearing, cursing, scolding, backbitting, or anything that may dishonour God, or wrong your neighbour, Psalm xxxiv. 13.
2d, Speak no idle language, that hath no profit or edification, such as frothy words, foolish talking and jesting; but let them be seasoned with grace, as with salt, Eph. v. 4; Mat. xii. 36.
3</, Speak not much; be sparing in discourse, James i. 19, “Slow to speak.” “In the multitude of words there wants not sin.”
lth, Speak soberly both as to matter and manner. It is said of the whore, Prov. vii. 1 1, “She is loud and clamorous;” and of some, Jude, ver. 16, that they “speak high swelling words.” This is contrary to Christ, whose “voice was not heard in the streets.” A meek, quiet spirit is calm in words; loud, violent, earnest speaking argues a proud, distempered, unmortified heart.
$th, Speak not rashly nor hastily; be not precipitate in speaking; advise ere ye speak; do not out with every thing ye conceive: “The righteous studieth to answer.”
6//£, Speak weightily and seriously, reverently and gravely, in religious discourses especially. Christ “spake as one having authority.’ Our speech as to the manner, as well as to the matter, should betray us that we “have been with Jesus.” Be not slight or careless.
7M, Speak in faith: “I believed, and therefore spake,” Psal. cxvi. 10; 2 Cor. iv. 13. It is a fault to speak of those things we neither know nor believe; uncertainties are not fit matter of discourse: “That which we know declare we unto you.”
8//$, In speaking, it were good to be looking up in prayer to God in heart; as, if ye have spoken amiss, O Lord, pardon; when ye are called to speak, O Lord, open my mouth, and help to a seasonable word, and what to say; to seek a blessing, Lord, bless what I am to discourse to my neighbour. Thus did Nehemiah, Neh. ii. 4.
gth, Speak wisely and pertinently to the time and purpose ye intend, and persons ye speak to; that is called “speaking words in season.” Col. iii. 16, “Let the Word of Christ dwell richly in you in all wisdom, admonishing one another.”
10th, Speak in fear: it were good to have a bridle always in the mouth, and no word to get out without permission, Psal. xxxix. 1. It was ill said, “Our lips are our own, who is Lord over us;” As there is eating without fear, so there is speaking without fear.
iitA, Let not your neighbour’s faults be the subject of your talk, though it be true. “Who backbiteth not,” Psal. xv. 3. Show thy neighbour his faults.
12th, Speak not of thyself or worth: “Let another praise thee, and not thine own mouth,” neither directly nor indirectly; let thy works praise thee. It is an ordinary thing for a proud heart to hunt for estimation from others to itself, by telling its own acts or resolutions. I have added these last two, because professors ordinarily miscarry in these.
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4. Rules in our actions.
I shall comprehend in this both civil and religious actions; actions should not only be good as to their matter, but as to their manner.
lst, Do nothing without foresight; let thine eye of knowledge guide thee continually in the way thou art to walk in. Lam. iii. 40, first “search and try your ways,” then “turn.” “Ponder the path of thy feet.” Do all things as a man, and by rule, Pro v. iv. 26, so shalt thou have peace.
2d, Whatever thou do, do it spiritually as the Lord’s work; as to Him, because commanded by Him, Eph. vi. 6, 7, 8; Col. iii. 23.
$d, Labour for spirituality in your outward deportments, as well as in your hearts, in a grave, wise, sober, and humble carriage. “Be holy in all manner of conversation,” 1 Peter i. 14, 15. Let holiness be on bells, pots, bridles, and horses, Zech. xiv. 20, 21. Have on the wedding-garment.
4//*, In midst of business look up ever and anon to heaven by ejaculatory prayer, to preserve the soul from corruption; and keep divine impressions, that they die not out, Eph. vi. 18; 1 Thess. v. 17.
$th, Whatever thou doest, depend on the Lord; do nothing without Him, but “in all thy ways acknowledge Him,” Prov. iii. 6; Isa. xxx. 2; Psal. xxxvii. 5; Neh. ii. 4; 1 Sam. xvii. 45.
6th, Whatever ye do, “do it with all thine heart,” i.e., quickly, without delay, and heartily, doing what thou doest only, and nothing else, Eccl. ix. 10.
7 th, Whatever ye do, do it in faith, without which “it is impossible to please God;” in faith of the lawfulness of it, in faith of God’s assistance and acceptance: else, doubting, ye are damned, Rom. xiv. 22, 23; Heb. xi. 6, 7. Do nothing without or against conscience.
8th, Be sober in what ye do: eat, drink marry, and buy, as though ye did it not, in an holy indifferency, referring the event to God, 1 Cor. vii. 29, 30, 31. Be not fretted with cares, lay not out too much affections or heart with your actions; but “let your moderation be known to all men, the Lord is at hand,” Philip, iv. 5.
9/^, Rest not in actions, but seek the end of an action, Matth. vi 16. Rest not in prayer, but labour to attain the end of prayer by meditation and prayer. Be not like children shooting at random without a mark.
10M, Bound your actions with your callings: fight, but not out of your station, 1 Cor. vii. 24, “Let every man wherein he is called walk with God.” t Thess. iv. 1 1 1 Tim. v. 13, Doing your own business.
5. Rules for our conversation.
1st, Mark the frame of your heart and your carriage immediately after you have been near God; and see what deportment ye are then inclined to follow, and study that always.
2d, Follow that kind of conversation wherein ye have most peace after serious reflections on your ways. I think little peace shall be found in a light, furious, carnal conversation.
3<^ Look to the carriage of Christ, His apostles and prophets, and study that conversation that ye think was Christ’s or the apostles’; this was not a laughing, frothy, vain, light conversation. When, therefore, thou art examining such a carriage, ask, Would Christ have done this? would this set Paul to do? 1 Cor. xi. 1, and iv. 17; Matth. xi. 29, 30.
lth, Study that conversation which is most agreeable and suitable to your profession, Gospel estate, and station, 1 Thess. ii. 12. Walk “as becometh the Gospel,” suitably to the providences ye are trysted with, James v. 13, and to the persons ye have to do with.
$th, Walk not outwardly mournfully before the wicked, who may be ready to make sport of thy sadness, nor before those who may be discouraged. Shun carnal mirth, Micah i. 10; 2 Sam. i. 20.
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6th, Study that conversation which is most edifying, most convincing and condemning of the wicked, 1 Pet. i. 14, 15, and likest to glorify God and the Gospel, Col. iv. 6.
jth, A grave serious conversation, mixed with serenity, is a good conversation; and this is like Christ, this is suitable to our great work and aims. Let the mad children of the world trifle and play, we are called to seriousness, 1 Tim. iii. 2; Tit. ii. 2.
8///, Be circumspect in your conversation, and wise, especially “towards them that are without,” Eph. v. 15; Eccl. ii. 14. Keep up the Christian decorum; let nothing escape thee but what is befitting the majesty of a Christian; labour not to disparage that at all. Walk worthy of your calling.
9///, Walk soberly in apparel, 1 Pet. iii. 3, sober in passions, sober in expressions; do nothing violently or passionately, keeping passions within bounds. Walk with a sober pace, not “tinkling with your feet.”
loth, Walk kindly, lovingly, and courteously; be ready to serve all. A tart, rigid carriage is not good; “the Son of man came eating and drinking,” Acts xxvii. 3, and xxviii. 2, 7. Stoicism is not Christianity. Through thy gravity and holiness let love appear; receive all; “become all things to all men” except with apostates and open enemies; yea, let your reproofs be in love, Lev. xix. 17.
SECTION IX.
Declaring such things as, through the Lord’s blessing, have done me good.
I cannot deny but the Lord hath shown me kindness and done me good, and that a little one hath become a great nation, and that, however “I am poor and needy,” yet “the Lord remembers me.” And notwithstanding “I came over this Jordan with my staff,” yet now am I, by the Lord’s blessing, “become two bands.” But whatever good it be that the Lord hath shown me for the benefit of others, and confirmation of myself, I have thought fit to show and set down these things, which in my experience, through the Lord’s blessing, I have found to be most helpful unto me in furthering me in the ways of holiness, peace, and fellowship with God. And I have found these twenty-seven things especially concur, and blest for doing me good:
i. The society of saints: When they have been full in communicating their cases, they have encouraged me, my griefs have been eased by them; I have by their godly conversation, been provoked to good works; I have been kept in life by them, recovered out of decays by them, enlightened and edified by them, Eccl. iv. 4, 9, 10, n; 1 Cor. xii. 7; Heb. x. 24, 25; Prov. xxvii. 17. “Iron sharpeneth iron.”
2. I have found much profit by observing the Lord’s providences, by searching into God’s ends in dispensations, whether good or evil; this hath made me see much love in things, freed my judgment from confusions, and made me know my duty, Micah vi. 9; Hosea xiv. 9; Psalm cvii. 43; Jer. viii. 7; Gen xxv. 22; Exod. iii. 3, 4.
3. I have found meditation on the attributes of God to do me much good, especially His love, power, sovereignty, and holiness, Job xxii. 21; John xvii. 3, for thereby have I been made conform to his image, and my love, fear, and faith, have been begotten and increased, Psal. ix. 10; Eph. iii. 18, 19.
4. I have found much good by a long and serious study and pondering of the covenant of grace; the freedom, fulness, and unchangeableness thereof; the condition (faith), and nature thereof. By meditation on the Gospel, Gospelpromises, offers, and invitations; this hath strengthend and sanctified me, given me more knowledge of Christ and of His ways than anything that ever I was exercised in. I have found it indeed the “ministrations of life,” Gal. iii. 2: Heb. xi. throughout; Rom. i. 16, 17.
5. I have found the Lord confining me at home, in not calling me abroad; ordinarily this hath been a gathering time, and never ordinarily better than when alone. Abstraction and solitude hath done me good, Prov. xviii. 1 Numb. vi. 2, 3; Hos. ii. 14. God hath oftentimes visited me in a solitary wilderness.
6. I have found outward afflictions and hard measure from the world doing me good, humbling my soul, mortifying me to the world, making Christ and His consolations sweet, Whom before I cared not much for; I found it good to bear the yoke in my youth; I have thereby learned dependence on God, and have had much experience of His love in supporting me under afflictions, sanctifying them to me, and delivering me out of them, Lam. iii. 27; Psal. xciv. 12; Heb. xii. 11; Psal. cxix. 67, 71; Prov. xxix. 15; Hos. v. 15.
7. I have found quietness in spirit, moderation and calmness in speaking, and advisedness doing me good; and, while thus in silence I have waited on God, His spirit, hath breathed, Isa. vii, 4, and ix. 15; Exod. xiv. 13; 2 Chron. xx. 17; Phil. iv. 7; Lam. iii. 26; 1 Pet. v. 7.
8. I have found much good by the diligent practice of private duties, such as prayer, meditation, reading, self-examination, and such like. I have thereby been strengthened, quickened, and drawn near to God; they have been as meat and drink, Mat. vi. 6; Luke xxii. 46; Psalm i. 2, 3; Job viii. 5; Prov. xviii. 1.
9. I have found extraordinary duties of fasting, and improving other occasions over and above the morning and evening sacrifice, do me much good; much of the Lord’s mind by these hath been revealed, Dan. x. 12, and strong lusts have by these extraordinary occasions received a dead stroke. I have been sensibly comforted at these occasions; these, after long sickness, have given me health, Psalm cxxvi. 6; Jer. i, 5, 6; Isa. lviii. 7, 8; Mark ix. 29.
10. I have found the Lord kind to me since I left off hearing of the conformists; since that day the scales have been falling from my eyes: Whilst I heard, I was still kept in bondage, 2 Cor. vi. 17, 18; 1 Cor. v. 7.
11. I have found much good from and by the prayers of others; for since I did employ some for that effect, I have found much good. And I have observed, that those of us who do seek the benefit of other’s prayers were the most thriving Christians: and those who neglect this to decay and wither, Job xlii. 8; James v. 16; Eph. vi. 19; Rom. xv. 30; 2 Thess. iii. 1, 2.
12. I have found very much good by doing good to others, by instructing, exhorting, and teaching of them, and praying for them, especially the poor ignorant people. Yea, in the very time while I have been speaking to them, a glorious light hath shined upon my soul, and made me apprehend those things I have been declaring to them more clearly; yea, when full of confusions and sorrows going about this duty, my heart hath thereby been lightened, my talents improved, Isa. xxxii. 20; Eccl. xi. 1; Prov. xi. 25.
13. I have found the serious consideration of true Christian liberty, and of the easiness of Christ’s yoke, and Christ’s love in commands, in opposition to a slavish spirit and scrupulous fearful conscience, do me very much good, and make my heart engage in the service of God, 1 Kings xii. 4; Luke L 74; Rom. vii. 1, 4, 6, and vi. 14; Neh. ix. 35; Duet, xxviii. 48, as likewise using considerations against discouragements, 1 Sam. xii. 19, 20.
14. I have found much profit and strength by considering of Jbaptism, and what it sealeth; cases and scruples thereby cleared and removed, and faith of interest strengthened, and I thereby emboldened to draw near to God, Rom. vi., first twelve verses.
15. The Lord hath blessed the reading of practical writings to me, and thereby my heart hath been put into a frame, and much strength and light gotten; such as Isaac Ambrose, Goodwin, Mr Gray, and very much by Rutherford’s above others, but most of all by Thomas Jjbeyligrd of New England his works; he hath by the Lord been made the ‘’interpreter, one of a thousand;” so that, under Christ I have been obliged to his writings as much and more than
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to any mean whatsomever for wakening, strengthening, and enlightening of my soul; the Lord made him a well of water to me in all my wilderness straits.
16. I have found it good to put a good construction on the Lord’s ways, when they have been outwardly very sad, Exod. xx. 19.
17. I have found much good by speaking to the praise and commendation of Clod. When many times not so affectionately, yet sincerely out of the sense of duty, I have begun to praise Him to others, I have found my tongue to have affected my heart, James iii. 2; Psalm cv. 3, and cxlv. 5, 6, n. The Lord hath sensibly rewarded me for this.
18. I have found much good by sore and long inward tentations, being “poured from vessel to vessel,” changing and being changed, lifted up, and casten down; the greatest settlement is by these. Isa. xxxviii. 16, “By these” (saith Hezekiah) “shall men live.” These humbled me, and kept me waking, and ever crying to the Lord; and have given me much experience of the Lord’s kindness, and acquainted me with the exercise of saints in the Scripture. James i. 2.
19. Resisting of strong tentations, and engaging with difficult duties, and coming over the belly of indispositions within, loss and contempt from the world without, and so taking up the cross; the Lord hath signally owned me in these, and the fruits of them have been very great; such as, praying under indispositions, reproving of acquaintances, forsaking of ways and thoughts very pleasing to the flesh, Jer. ii. 1, 2; Heb. xi. 6; Rom. ii. 7; Mat. v. 10, and xvi. 24.
20. I have found much good by studying and exercising the duty of humility and submission, James iv. 7. Duties are easy to an humble spirit; it eases the soul of disquietments, and makes burdens easy. Hell is not hell to an humble soul, saith Shepherd. I have ever found help when humbled.
21. The calling to mind and seriously meditating on the
2 1 o Memoirs of the
Lord’s dealings with me as to soul and body, His manifold mercies, has done me very much good, cleared my case, confirmed my soul of God’s love, and my interest in Him, and made me love Him. 0 what good hath the writing of this book done me! and what wells of water have mine eyes been opened to see which before were hid! Psalm cvii. 4, and xviii. i, 2. Scarce anything hath done me more good.
22. Making and renewing of vows and covenants with God, though gone about in much weakness, and but weakly performed, yet hath it begotten life, and kindly thoughts of God, and hath been a mean to recover me out of decay, and to keep from further backsliding, Duet, xxix. 12, 13.
23. Meditation on the most common truths and general hath done me good, such as death, heaven, judgment, sin, God’s being and providence, man’s fall, and Christ’s death, etc.
24. Speedy going about duties, without trifling or delaying. A duty done in time is worth twice so much delayed.
25. By writing on points of divinity; as on the Scriptures, on God’s attributes, on Christian duties, sermons, cases, and the like; these, like fresh water, have kept my heart.
26. Serious and deliberate self-examination, and, while thus exercised, trying myself, looking to the qualifications of saints and hypocrites in Scripture, their sins and failings; studying the nature of true saving grace, the difference, according to the Scriptures, betwixt false and true grace; this hath contributed much to my settlement.
27. I have found much good by being abstracted from meddling in temporal or civil business. That I had not great meddling in affairs in the beginning of my Christian course, partly that others did not employ me, but took all to their own hand; partly that I was indifferent, and had no heart while I had so great things ado in reference to my soul. And although my affairs called for diligence, yet do I not now repent it; for I thereby got my heart wholly taken up with my soul’s condition, and had no divertisement, Prov. xviii. 1.
section x.
Declari?ig such things as have done me evil.
1. A legal spirit. When Satan presses duties violently and boastingly, with thunder and lightening overdriving me, laying more upon me than I am able to bear, putting new wine in old bottles, seeking such and such duties, and so much, exacting them by weight and measure. This weakens my hands, irritates me, makes me do nothing, seeing I cannot get what is enjoined done; makes me act slavishly, Gen. xxxiii. 13; Rom. vii. n; Heb. x. 12, 13; Luke xix. 21.
2. The society of carnal unregenerate people, and graceless formal professors, especially if familiar with them, and not living very abstract and at distance from them, or not testifying against them or instructing them. They have, when near, dispersed their poison and infection, and turned my heart carnal; like some sicknesses, if ye lie not near the persons that have them, they smite not, 1 Cor. xv. 33, “Evil communication corrupteth good manners.”
3. I have found the society of the godly hurtful, and drawing my heart from God, and rendering it carnal, when it hath not been spiritually improven; when the Lord hath not been sought to by mutual prayer, and no spiritual conference, and when I have stayed too long with them at once, Heb. iii. 13. When there is no exhorting one another there is hardening.
4. I have had my spirit turned out of frame, and quite distempered by loud, violent, hasty, and much talk, though of good purposes. I have found “the talking of the lips tend to penury,” and “a breach made in the spirit,’’ (as saith the wise man), “by perverse speaking, James iii. 5, 6; Prov. xvii. 27; Mat. xv. 8.
5. I have found public occasions and going oft from home hurtful, and these like the devil’s market-days. Let me prepare and pray as I will; yea, and watch, my spirit hath thereby been distracted and distempered, especially if I have gone on slight calls. Riding here and there is good neither for soul nor body.
6. I have found intemperance and excess in the use of meat, drink, and other recreations, very prejudicial, and to be the ordinary inlet of many evils; for the body thereby being distempered, the spirit hath been utterly indisposed to any good exercise, Luke xxi. 34; Prov. xxv. 27, and xxiii. 20, 21.
7. Omission of duties in private, or slight performance of them; when I have begun to be more remiss in such gracious exercises of prayers, examination, meditation, and reading, Mat. xxvi. 41; Prov. xxiii 21.
8. Neglect of ejaculatory prayer when conversing with others; for this is the fountain of waters that drops from heaven, and makes the heart fruitful, Mat. xxvi. 41.
9. Impertinent vain thoughts in the morning, and when riding, and when in private religious exercises; though materially good, I have found these to distemper my spirit as much as anything, and to render me utterly unfit for duty, Jer. iv. 14.
10. Un watchfulness and heart security while in the world, not being “in the fear of God all the day long,” not keeping guard, or neglecting the continual oversight of my heart, tongue, and actions, but growing careless. I have found my heart unwatched to run away, and engage in sins and tentations: Many disorders in the city while there is no government, Mat. xxvi. 41. This hath done evil exceedingly; through this I lose in public what I gain in private.
11. Unbelieving discouragements arising from sense of wants, sins, desertions, and tentations; these have weakened my hands, 1 Sam. lii. 20; Lam. i. 9: Jer. ii. 28: Heb. xii. L2, 13. When Peter did fear, then did he begin to sink.
12. Great engagements in civil affairs and business, and eager prosecution of them; these have distracted me, and made me utterly unserviceable to God, Luke x. 4, and xxi. 34.
13. Pride, and conceiting much of myself, boasting of myself, seeking the praise of men, and by a careful performance of duties, seeking to exalt myself, and to share with Christ in the matter of salvation; this hath made the Lord reject me many times, withdrawing me from my resolution to “hide pride,” Rom. ix. 31,- 32. This made the Jews miss of righteousness, because they sought it “as it were by the works of the Law.”
14. Sloth in long sleeping, and trifling the time; this hath “clothed me with rags,” especially in company.
SECTION XI.
Declaring so?ne of Safaris spiritual and more subtle devices, whereby the work of sancf if cation hath been much hindered, 2 Cor. ii. 11.
1. In making me think the essence of true repentance
to consist in contrition for sin more than in turning in heart and practice from it; whereby it hath come to pass, that not finding myself in a mourning sorrowful frame, but straitened in my affections, I have not turned from sin, but was still taken up in drawing out my sensible sorrow for it, as thinking there was no true repentance without... this; and, when I mourned, have rested in this, as if this were sufficient; whereas, repentance doth mostly consist in turning to God, and mourning is but the manner and qualification of this act of turning, Jeol ii. 12. “Turn with mourning,” Isa. lviii. 6. “The fast God hath chosen is, breaking the bands of wickedness,” Prov. xxi. 3.
2. After falls and slips, and ordinary departures, Satan has sought to astonish me with my fall, and to amaze and confuse me so with what I had done as thereby I was kept
D from getting up to my feet and going forwards; like those that, running a race, catch a fall, and are therewith so perplexed, thinking what to do, that in the meantime they lose much time, and are far behind. The best way were to get up, and consider our ways, mourn, seek pardon, and then go to work; so was it with Joshua, chap. vii. 10, viz., Joshua, after the smiting of Israel, lies complaining; the Lord saith thus, “Wherefore liest thou thus? up to thy work.” Gen. xlii. i, and xliii. 10, “Why look ye upon one another?” When David sinned, he immediately falls to repentance; “I have sinned, yet now, Lord, forgive.” It must, when all is done, turn and end in this. So in Job xxxiv. 32, “If thou hast done wickedly,” what is done cannot be helped, “do so no more.” He doth not say, Amaze and distract yourselves with cares, for, “Who can by thinking add one cubit to his stature?”
3. In making me think that because I come not up the full length of duty, or to do it in that manner and form that is required, better omit it than do it in such a sinful manner; whereby it hath come to pass that nothing hath been done at all, God not honoured, and others not profited; not considering that doing the duty as we may is a mean to the better doing of it, as scribbling is to good writing. Humility will not stand on such niceties; the Lord pardons imperfections: hence the duty of reproof hath been omitted, because I could not do it so freely, evangelically, and plainly, as the Lord requires, thinking that so doing of it was an abomination; this is over-driving. But it is better paying what we may than let all run on our head. 2 Sam. vi. 7, 8, 9, 10, when David saw what reverence was required to the ark, he let it alone, “Who can stand?” Unbelief whereby the soul thinks God such a hard master that will exact to the uttermost, and pride in disdaining to do anything but what may be worthy or meritorious, are the causes of this deceit.
4. By the injecting of thoughts materially good, yet impertinent to the exercise the soul for the present is called unto, whereby my purpose hath been broken, my spirit made vain, no good done, nor peace in it. And when other palpably sinful thoughts have been extruded, these real enemies, yet seeming friends, have been let in because of their “sheep’s clothing;” and it is but the devil transforming himself into an “angel of light,” 2 Cor. xi. 14. The righteous “bringeth forth fruit in season;” these thoughts are vain because fruitless and unseasonable.
5. In doing of duties, and not seeking to attain the end of duties, not because I thought this worthy, but I thought it sufficient if the Lord was honoured. And in this snare I am ordinarily entrapped, though beaten out of formality; and this hath rendered the means useless to me, and “ever learning,” and “never coming to the knowledge of the truth.” I have been like children, who with their littlebows shoot, but at no mark, but that they may shoot; or as when they set their paper-boats to sea, but look for nothing else than to see them swim upon the waters; and so it may be said of them, “There is no end of their labour.” And hence I have exhorted, not to convert or edify, but because commanded, and to show obedience, and sometimes to render inexcusable; and thus have waited on the Lord in private and public means, not for supplying of wants or drawing near unto God, but merely to do homage unto Him. Whereby there is a standing still and no progress; duties rendered a burden, because no end to draw to, or no end intended; and my motion irregular, because no end to direct; and so have wrote at random.
6. Under the pretence of waiting on the Lord for strength, I have been driven to gaze, and neglect the duty itself, when there hath been an oppurtunity; so in preparing for prayer, have neglected prayer: In looking for strength and grace to edify when in company, nothing hath been done; and strength received, not improven. Acts i. n, “Why stand ye gazing?” go to your work, to Jerusalem. Matth. xx. 6; Jer. xiii. 16, “Give glory to the Lord,” lest, looking for light, darkness come.
7. To neglect the practice of grace and duty, by resting in the sweet and relishing speculation thereof, and resolution to do it; I have been taken up with the sweetness of duty on the mind, but not so careful to practice it, though there have been some slight resolutions. This I thought sufficient, or else through security I have not expected difficulty in the practice; and so, knowing and approving and teaching others the Law, yet neglecting it, they “say and do not,” Rom. ii. 13, 14, 18; Matth. vii. 21; Jer. ii. 19, 20. So that the end of these speculations hath not been so much to practise as to relish and delight the understanding in expatiating on such subjects.
8. I have been much hindered from duty, by studying the manner of duty rather than the substance of it; by studying faith in prayer rather than prayer in faith; by studying openness and plain-dealing in reproving rather than reproof itself; by studying constancy in watching rather than watching itself. Which I have found to proceed from pride, choosing the excellency of it rather than the thing itself; and from Satan’s persuading me that all commands are but the Lord’s seeking ground of quarrel to cast out with me, and therefore not only seeks duties, but that they be done after such a manner as thou knowest thou canst not get done; that so, when He cannot condemn for the matter, He shall be sure for the manner to find fault. Whereby my mind hath been so taken up with the circumstantial, and perfect, and exact qualifications of duties, that the matter and substance of it hath been neglected. I have made the manner of it the matter.
9. Satan, with my foolishness, tyrannically yet subtilely presses the doing of many things at once, which is impossible; that so, dividing my spirit with several objects, nothing may be well done, and all slighted: so that when I came to say, “What have I ado? it is answered, Ye have this, and that, and the other thing; when I am called to one thing, I address to another, and thus “troubled with many things,” like Martha, Luke x. 41, 42; with which one thing, if my spirit were taken up, I might come to some profit and get it done; but, seeking to grasp too much, I let all go. When many crowd out or in at a passage, they hinder one another; but the rule is, “Whatever thou dost, do it with all thy might,” i.e., Let thy heart be taken up wholly with that one thing while thou art doing it, and with no other.
10. Satan’s transforming into an angel of light, by gilding vices with lustre and appearance of virtue, and under spiritual and specious pretences. Hence have I been tempted to lightness, excess in comforts, under pretence of shunning unthankfulness, and of not using Christian liberty, and of walking uncomfortably; and hence neglected to affect the heart with the evil of sin, because repentance consists more in turning from sin than in sorrow for it. Prayer under indisposition hath been shunned, lest I should render the easy yoke of Christ a grievous burden. Whereby sin hath prevailed by these, when it hath been overcome when it appeared in its own clothing; and “the grace of God turned into wantonness,” 2 Cor. xi. 14; Rom. vi. 1; Gal. y. 13; “called to liberty, yet not to use it as an occasion to the flesh.”
11. In following the disposition of my spirit as a rule in reference to duty, rather than the call of providential conveniency of doing it; whereby many occasions of doing good, to others especially, have been lost through indisposition to these duties, and some seeming dispositions to do other duties. And this is so much the more dangerous, that it begins to be a debated principle, which of the two, viz., the disposition of the spirit or providential conveniency is to be followed? seeing, if I follow not the disposition of my spirit, then I shall do the other duty but heartlessly, and omit a duty to which my spirit is disposed; and besides, James v. 13, would seem to be for it. But I have most peace and success when I follow the providential conveniency, Mark xiv. 37, 38.
12. There is nothing does me more ill than a legal spirit or spirit of bondage, whereby Satan presses to duties violently, i.e., represents God as a hard master and an austere judge; as one that commands and requires duties, as tyrannical rulers make laws to entrap the subjects, pressing to hard duties, and so putting new wine into old bottles, and that under the highest pains; and to do it hastily, not giving time to breathe; and requiring such exactness, or else not at all to be accepted; and that without any promise of assistance. So that, finding the Lord’s yoke so hard, I have either casten it off, or sometimes heartlessly performed it; and nothing hath prejudiced me more than this. Talents have been slighted, because God was apprehended as a hard master; the Lord not served, because our yoke not made light; aversion and want of love to God, because of fear, i John iv. 18. But I have spoken of this in Section 10, lst Evil. It is no wonder, therefore, if the bond-woman should be cast out; of the evil of which, when I have been convinced, I have come to the other extreme, in casting out the bond-woman altogether, and to indulge myself wholly, as I have said in the 10th Deciet.
13. When I could not be driven from laying to heart matters of salvation, yet hath Satan, for the most part of my time, busied me with the lesser matters of religion, and made me neglect the substantial and fundamental points; so as nice points have been studied, and death, hell, heaven, God’s attributes, sin, providence, the resurrection, fall of man, have been neglected, because more common; whereas the greatest good is in these, Matth. xxiii. 23, “Ye tithe anise and cummin.”
14. Satan, by making me pore excessively on evidences of grace, and by occupying me in laying continually the foundation and trying it, as thinking it never sure enough, hath thereby kept me from my generation-work, and from progress in grace; in which exercises, if I had been as diligent as in examination of myself, I might have been assured more quickly, 2 Pet. i. 10. It is true, we should examine our states, 2 Cor. xiii. 5, but it is wrong to be only and continually taken up with this; so that, when called to patience, and believing, and honouring of God, Satan hath said, Lay a foundation ere ye build a superstructure: but it is dangerous to be trying our armour when we are called to fight (as one said), Heb. vi. 1. If ye have not full assurance of your state, yet take your hazard of the precious foundation laid in Zion, and build on it. God lays this foundation, and this foundation standeth sure.
15. In making faith or any work in us the foundation of my comfort, rather than the free, full, and immutable promise and goodwill of God in Christ; and in making the foundation of duty to be rather from our covenant with God, or our part of it, than from the Lord’s covenant with us, and His part of it which hath a long time kept me unsettled and wavering, 2 Sam. xxiii. 5; Ezek. xvi. 62. “Not by virtue of thy covenant.”
16. But Satan and mine own heart hath kept me strongly and long in this snare of seeking to establish my own righteousness. For when my heart hath been in any good frame, and under sense of wants, and desiring to be found in duty, hath resolved to go about such and such means, for obtaining of such things; I say, I have found Satan deceiving me herein, making me love these duties, means, and graces, and the obtaining them at such a time, because these graces and duties, means, and time, have been the product of mine own desires and resolutions, and so have been mine own (as it were) and choice. And, therefore, when other means were bestowed no less suitable, yet have I dispised them, because not mine own choice and purchase; and when the love and manifestation thereof have run through another channel than I have cut for it to run in, I have been grieved, and prized the mercy less. And when I have fallen in sins resolved against, I have grieved more upon the account that my resolutions have been broken, and will crossed, because I had “set my heart as the heart of God,” than either for the wrong done to God or mine own hazard; and so, like God, I have loved no thing but the object of my own decree. Whereby God hath been provoked to break these resolutions, by which the tower that reached to heaven was cast down, Prov. xix. 3; Rom. x. 3; Mark xiv. 37; Isa. x. 7; Psal. lviii. 3.
17. When beaten out of this by the Lord’s mercy, and made to “rejoice in infirmities,” that God may be exalted, seeing the wildness of pride under the pretence of quiet submission, and being led by the will of God, I have been tempted to resolve nothing at all, and so turned careless, running from one extreme to another, contrary to Philip, ii. 12, T3.
18. Through a desire to allow to every action a time wherein I should be so and so exercised, it hath come to pass that I have secretly resisted the Spirit drawing me to other duties and exercises, because I would not alter my intended method; and so lost the assistance of God’s Spirit, Duet. i. 41; Numb. xiv. 39.
19. I have many times in prayer asked things not convenient to be then granted, and so have not been answered through asking amiss; as when I have sought as much grace as would serve me all my lifetime, James iv. 3; John iv. 15. “Give me that I thirst not again.” Sometimes I have been seeking the removal of a trouble ere I have been rightly exercised under it, 2 Cor. xii. 8, sought great enlargements, and raptures, and sensible manifestations, sought mercies without pains; which the Lord not granting, because amiss, I have deen discouraged from prayer through refusals.
20. When difficult duties have been pressed, as mourning, fasting, diligence, prayer under indispositions, bearing the cross, walking in the strait gate, I have been made to think that the end of that command was mostly to cross myself, and therefore did the duty oft-times more as mine own prejudice and cross, rather than as commanded by God, and the mean to attain such an end (hence Heathens cut themselves, and Papists whip themselves), for this did me ill; it engendered hard thoughts of God, and made me do duties heartlessly, as likewise without success, because I sought no more than the crossing of myself.
21. In not prizing or esteeming little mercies because
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common, and fear to rest in them; thus “despising the day of small things.”
22. In not shunning little evils, fearing to be thereby tithing the anise and cummin.
23. Through a strong persuasion of an absolute decree in God, which yet I judge truth, and of God’s sovereignty, and that “it is not of him that willeth or runneth, but of God that showeth mercy;” I have been thereby tempted to excuse my sins, to challenge God for double-dealing, have not noticed His invitations and expostulations, Rom. ix. 19, “Who hath resisted His will?” Not distinguished betwixt the nature of God, and free absolute decree of God, and operation of God; and that it is not the damnation of the wicked God ultimately and for itself intends, but the manifestation of His justice.
24. By limiting of the “Holy One of Israel:” by cutting out and prescribing to God a way of helping me; and when He hath not come in my way, as He will not, nor no reason He should, I could not imagine His coming a mercy, 2 Kings, v. 11, in Naaman. Hence, I have proposed God’s way with other Christians, and there exercises, as the way to the Spirit to deal with me; and not finding this, I have been discouraged, and disquieted, and unthankful,” and “spent my labour and strength in vain,” in gazing after that, and labouring to walk in a path the Lord was not willing to lead me. There is a sovereignty in leading of saints to glory. I have limited the Lord in His way, by portraying to myself, and conceiving such a grace, and under such a notion and form; so that if I had not that very form and notion of it I conceived, though I had it really, yet did I not think I had it. Oh, under what various terms doth the Lord express one thing, that folk might not restrict grace to one notion!
25. In striving against the outward acts of sin, and not considering the inward corruption of the heart; in “making clean the outside of the platter,” but neglecting to cleanse it within; cutting the branches, and sparing the root, Matth.
xxiii. 26, whereby I have made no profit in holiness, because the fountain hath not been cleansed.
26. Under the pretence of discretion, prudence, and patience, I have neglected the life and zeal of actions. I have reproved but darkly, in respect of prudence and discretion; I have not stressed myself in private means, under pretence of sobriety; have neglected to bring my heart to any sense of sin, under pretence of moderation. Oh, what ills lie disguised under moderation, sobriety, patience, and Christian liberty! We have a sinful patience.
27. By going on in duties in my own strength, without looking for divine assistance, which hath done me much evil. When I have gone on in the confidence of my own strength, the Lord hath plagued me for my persumption, as in Peter: when duties have been difficult, relying on and looking to mine own strength, I have been discouraged.
28. I have neglected the outward practice of repentance, under pretence that the Lord requires the heart; but we should serve the Lord both in body and in spirit. It is true, we should not rest in the outward, or mainly look thereunto, but should look to the heart mostly; yet should not the outward act be neglected.
29. By giving ear and credulously believing suggestions of sense concerning myself and interest, and concerning God, without examination. Credulity, and easiness to believe everything suggested or spoken in books, or written down there, hath prejudiced me much. Hanging my faith on men’s belts, and not examining suggestions, doctrines, writings, through the line of reason and through Scripture, hath made me wander long in doubts and fears unsettledly; but since I have tried all things, and laid aside all books, and had recourse to the fountain, I have been much better.
30. By judging by outward appearances, and misbelieving of success (which hath come through not looking to God), hath much discouraged me from duty.