Of My Progress and Growth, and Establishment in the Ways of God

Section I.

How, after dosing with Christ by Faith, I was assaulted zvith terrible Tentations, and hozv delivered.

I CONTINUED in some peace for ten days’ time, still expecting some extraordinary thing, but had not the impressions of joy I had in the beginning so deep upon my spirit as at first; there came a cloud and overshadowed me thus:

i. The Lord left me as to that measure of His comforting and quickening presence: for herein the world is not rest, but a place of labour, change, sorrow, and pain; and, therefore, I behoved to draw in the yoke. 2dly, I liked ease and rest; and now, when the Lord had broken my bonds and yoke, I thought there was no more for me to do, I dreamed of no cloud or night; and, since the main was secured, I did not apprehend such a necessity of labour, but would have been at sleeping in my nest; or else, if I must needs pray and fight, I desired to be taken up in Christ’s arms as I was at first, and to be passive, and Christ to do all, Hosea xi. 3; Psal xxx. 6. I said, Like Peter, “It is good to be here;” and I said, “Let us make a tabernacle,” until a cloud over shadowed me, which, when it did, I, expecting in vain Christ’s return in the same manner, got other work to do. $dly, Not finding ease, nor peacej nor rest, in God, because I would not dig for it, I behoved to have it from the world, and therefore turned slothful, and for some time followed vanities, seeking rest, until (reproved) I went to prayer, but got no good. I took up Shepherd’s “Sound Believer,” and there I read this question, “How shall I know whether my whole soul hath come to Christ?” He answers, “When Christ alone gives sufficient satisfaction, so as there is no need of idols and lusts.” For this, ah! said I, I do not thus; for my heart runs out continually after idols. How couldst thou think (said conscience) that wast so dead, to close with Christ with the whole soul? Have not the effects discovered thy unsoundness and hypocrisy? See to the whorishness and adulteries of thy heart, and by that judge of thy love in marrying Christ. Doth not thy unsteadfastness in His covenant prove that thy heart was not right with God at first, and that thou liedst unto Him when thou soughtst and closedst with Him as the Rock of thy Salvation? I was made, upon this, to conclude that all my lifetime I was violently carried with a delusion, which made the sky very black. This tentation was so violent, as there was no resisting of it, whereby my heart became sorrowful, strengthless, and discouraged. Oh! what shall I, what should I, nay, what can I do now? Can I bestow more pains than I did? Have I learned anything? Then did I know the meaning of that word, “Thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down.” To have known before, while I suspected no less, that I was wrong, would not so have shaken me; as, after some assurance of favour, to be cast down to hell; heart and hand was taken away from me; I did not reason the matter, but yielded easily and quickly. Now were my foundations shaken, and a breach made as to my interest in God, and in the grounds which the Lord had made me lay; a whole sea followed. 4////r, This was not enough; Satan was let out upon me, to trouble me with atheistical thoughts, which had like serpents been hissing, and had appeared, but were quieted, though not killed; a certain token that they would, when occasion offered, break out most violently. Oh! said I, what a delusion have I been in? I was never convinced nor humbled, nay, I think, never convinced that there was a God, or that His Word was true. Now, the Lord leaving me, and Satan being permitted, and being with former exercises naturally melancholy, atheistical tentations were driven most violently upon me, upon which great and sensible horror fell upon my spirit; which did arise, not so much from the thoughts of this, that there was no God, as from the thoughts that myself was an Atheist, and that I had not a lively demonstrative argument for proving effectually and powerfully that there is a God. Oh miserable creature! cried I, that perished not at first when under horror, ere I had known any thing of

God, but to live till now, till I had contracted more guilt and punishment! O happy when I thought I had sinned the sin against the Holy Cxhost! For then there were hopes that, while I believed the Scriptures, by them I might be persuaded that I had not sinned it; but now no remedy is left. When the foundations are loosed, what means can I use? To whom shall I go when I doubt the being of God? How shall I be convinced? How shall I pray? $thl) Looking to the dispensation I was under, and the remedilessness of my condition, and the sadness of this Providence, my melancholy thoughts, of which Satan made his use, represented God as terrible and fearful to me, as one who had been watching all my lifetime to do me evil, that had been deluding me with frames of spirit, and that was now manifesting that hid displeasure against me, which He bore me this long time, and let me see He would take vengeance of me. I thought, or apprehended, God’s wrath and prejudice was more at my person than faults; in a word, God was terrible and fearful to me, so that I was all taken out of other, and disjointed. 6t/ily, This fire did make the great scum and filth of rebellion appear, and that hatred that was in my heart against God appear. My natural corruptions were stirred more violently than ever, in averseness to God; and so, “when the law came, sin revived, and I died.” He was fearful to me; the reading of Scripture and prayer had no taste, nay, these means were terrible to me, so as it was much that put me to duty at all. Oh how happy then (said I), when under my first terrors, by what 1 am at this time! While terrors formerly were upon me, I could pray, delight in prayer and other means, which were exceeding sweet unto me; but now alas! duties are a burden, a wearisomeness, and terror unto me, and occasionally increase my trouble. For, whenever I read Scripture, a thousand atheistical thoughts were injected in my soul; and, therefore, my case is most hopeless. Now the Lord loves me not, and my soul abhors Him; my heart is so wicked, that though with Spira I say it not with my tongue, yet wish I that there were no God; He is strange and terrible unto me, an enemy, and therefore hateful to me. Then did I find that the carnal mind is enmity against God; I was a right representation of the damned in hell — tormented and hopeless, and raging against God and His providences, sometimes I would say, What a strange thing is this! thou thinkest there is no God, and yet art afraid of Him. The truth is, I did not positively believe that there is no God, but was afraid that I did not believe that there was one; and my fear of God did prove a God, and my belief of a Deity, jt/t/j, It did not a little heighten my sorrows, that I was within fourteen days to partake of the sacrament. The condition I was in, and the want of the evidences of grace, made me look on communicating as a dreadful business; and the pride of my heart was such, that having been known for a professor, and to have resolved to communicate, it would be thought a weakness not to communicate, and hazard my estimation with them. And for this cause I was the more diligent to get oil, and to get my wedding-garment on; but found not such returns as upon the like occasions I had hitherto found, partly through sloth, and partly through the pride of my heart; so that I was, on the Sabbath-day morning that I was to communicate, in as sad a taking as I was ever before, utterly jumbled, and at a distance with God, and full of horror and atheistical tentations. 8////r, It is true, that for some time it pleased God to suspend these storms, and to give a calm, by binding up Satan for a time: and it continued thus until three days before my communicating. I wondered how they could be removed when the

cause was not taken away; and, therefore, they came again, so as, when I came to the table, they assaulted me. Then would I say to myself, Oh poor, wretched soul! thou hast oftentimes desired a conviction and a law work, and now thou hast one to purpose, and claw it off again if thou canst; see what good it doth thee.

0 how unkindly and diabolical are the convictions that are now-a-days! The occasion and ground of my trouble were atheistical tentations, and hard, cruel thoughts of God, which Satan did violently beat in upon me; as likewise it did afflict me, that I could not get rid of all sin, and that

1 could not get resolved to do all duties, especially the duty of reproof, to which I was averse through my natural bashfulness, gt/ify, My trouble was increased by my communicating, especially by conversing with others, I found that the Lord that day had been distributing largely; and it was ordinary with them to express themselves thus, “I have found Him.’’ Oh, said I, and am I only a bastard? Hath He given to every one their allowance and portion, and famished, and never so much as looked on me? This struck me dead, and I was no longer for company. The more spiritual sermons were, and societies were, the more was I troubled. I saw, as it were, them coming from east and west, and sitting with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and myself among those that were thrust out. Meat, company, and all ordinances, were a burden to me; I sat alone, and mine eyes were heavy with sorrow. Oh (said I) for some wilderness that I might lament in, and pour out this miserable soul of mine in the Lord’s bosom! My hopes were gone, and I said, Farewell, all pleasant days again, and now henceforth I am entering the gloomy valley and shadow of death. No means would do me good. I looked over Mr

Baxter’s arguments for the truth of the Scriptures, but they seemed as straw to me, and my distempered spirit brake through them. My atheistical reasonings would shift after this manner: What knowest thou but that the apostles, who were Christ’s immediate successors, out of love to Him, and to their imaginations, might have gone to far off places, and there vented their doctrines, which, through process of time, might have been confirmed by proselytes, who, by the apostles’ life, might have been drawn in; and their followers, while there was no printing, might have added, and, being for a long time unquarrelled, might through custom have gained a belief? In a word, all I could say or hear seemed but weak, either to persuade me or to give me peace. After the sacrament, and after my homecoming, my terrors increased, and tentations assaulted me so violently, as that I was taken off my knees, and could not pray one word; nay, they were so violent, and my fears so strong, as that I judged they could not be removed but by a miracle. And I would (said I) seek no other evidence of a divine power and being than the removing these fears; and I thought, if the Lord would condescend to this, I should doubt no more. Then was it suggested to me thus: Thy heart was once so secure, so careless, that it needed an almighty power to awaken thee as now thou art; and cannot the Lord, who hath wounded thy oftentimes deemed impenetrable heart, heal it again?

2. This was my condition; and the Lord was delivering, and did deliver me by these steps and means, which did kyth the working of grace in my soul, and His kindness. 1st, I was put continually to seek the Lord in the use of means, notwithstanding of all my discouragements. I prayed, read, and meditated; and some healing I would find in these, but a cloud still came and overshadowed it; however, they did good insensibly. 2dfy, One time, being at supper, some of my relations and strangers fell a commending a witty, carnal, and persecuting minister, who was an enemy to the ways and people of God. I started up, and said in a great zeal, that he was not worthy to live, and that the Lord would be about with him. Here was a well if I could see it. Thou sayest thou hatest God, and how canst thou love His people, and hate His enemies, as thou now showest thou dost? “He that loveth Him that begat, loveth them also that are begotten.” But reason was weak, for bearing down of downright tentations. $dfy, Being in Mr T. H.’s house, a godly and prudent man, his company did me much good, especially his discourses to me concerning the nature of tentations, and how the devil beats in tentations violently in the soul without reason, and dings them in as it were, and threaps by bold assertions on the soul what he would have it believe. As likewise, his prayers did me good, especially when he spake of God’s condescendency, and man’s stubbornness; and cited Ephraim, whom God smote, “and he went on frowardly in his ways; I have seen him, and will heal him.” As likewise, the marvellous light he gave to Scriptures, and manifested a depth in them that I never perceived before, in the wonderful connection of sentences: which did astonish me, and made me see something evidencing a Godhead even in them, a wonderful excellency hid in them. Lastly, His cheerful conversation, not in a carnal way, but I thought his joy was inward, proceeding from faith in God. For the universal carnality of professors, with their discouragements, living so short of their principles, did much help forward my Atheism, as it made me think that a saint was but a fancy; but truly I thought mine eyes saw something of a saint and New Testament spirit in him, and was someway persuaded, by seeing his holiness, his cheerfulness in God, and his deep reach in spiritual mysteries, that there was a God, and a holiness attainable. And such was the power of God in him, that with his seasonable discourse and prayer, he would charm, and calm, and quiet my storms, even when I despaired of help, and thought it impossible; though they would return again when I was gone from him. Surely I received much good by him. tfhly, But that which gave the dead-stroke to this tentation was this: When I came from that minister’s house, my atheistical thoughts recurred and assaulted me in such a manner as my soul was vexed unto death, that I could bide it no longer, and through the violence of tentations was taken off my knees, and unable so much as to knit four sentences together. I at last sat down on my knees, and said to this purpose: Lord, if Thou be, Thou art Almighty, and canst reveal so much of Thyself as may convince me, and put away this storm; I desire thee therefore to give this proof of Thy power and being, as this night to put away this storm, and convince me there is a God, and that Thy Word is true. Lord, be not offended with my peremptoriness, for I can bear no longer: and, besides, “If Thou delay the revelation of Thy mind herein, my suspicious heart will be ready to say, that it was time that altered my condition: and, if this very night Thou do, I will look upon it as a sufficient demonstration of Thy being. Determine Thou the way Thyself: I have opened my mouth. Lord, bow the heavens, and

give not, by the continuance of my trouble, such a ground of cavil to the adversary against me, to make me doubt Thou art the hearer of prayer. Immediately it was suggested, Now hold by thy word, said Satan, and thou shalt see God will not help thee this night, and let this increase thy suspicions; for sure, if there were a God, He would help when so put to it. But the Lord did bow the heavens: for, sitting pensively at the fireside, and meditating on some rational arguments for clearing of the verity of the Scriptures, and not finding any but such as might be shifted: at last it was suggested to me, and I was made to fall on these considerations: What a fool hast thou been? Art thou an Atheist because thou canst not prove there is a God? Or, is there no God because thou canst not demonstratively prove it? Suppose it possible then that a number of honest men might lie, and that the world were so mad as to believe them, and that this lie had been carried so secretly on as never to be discovered, and all evidences to the contrary burned when the world universally turned Christians; though this were possible, is it therefore true? Have you ever seen an argument to prove there is no God, or that the Scriptures are false? But grant that the Scriptures are true (it is possible), what evidence could ye have of their truth that ye have not? The doctrine itself is contrary to flesh and blood, against lying and juggling, confirmed by miracles, done before the world and amidst enemies, for a long time printed copies in so many thousand hands in different countries and kingdoms, delivered by the most holy, ingenuous, and faithful men, and not contradicted by enemies. Suppose, I say, all this course had been taken as the greatest evidence of its truth, would there not still be place for such objections as now thou heapest? What more evidence would you have than this? Doth it follow, because such shifts may be given, that therefore the doctrine is not true? Might not all thy answers thou givest be given against it, though undoubtedly true? There appeared such an evidence in this reasoning, the Lord shining upon it, that by the almighty power of Christ my clouds did fly away; the bands in which I had been secretly holden ever since I was born, but not openly and violently kept, did in an instant break asunder, and all my fears evanished, and there was a calm: in which God did show much goodness, and power, and condescendency, who looked so seasonably upon me; for, if this night had passed over, the greatest evidence imaginable, I could have gotten matter of objection against it. Some dregs of this trouble remained, but I was delivered out of it; and after this continued half-a-year like one in a dead-throw, had little sense, wrestling with several tentations and difficulties. About this time there broke out a great sluice of profanity and persecution; the men of power cried down godliness, covenant, and work of reformation; godly ministers were deposed, and wicked, scandalous ministers set up in their places; and none counted loyal but such as could swear and health; and godliness was a crime sufficient. Lord, what a world was this! Nothing but drinking, swearing, mocking of godliness, and

Rev. lames Fraser of Brea. 95

the freedom of the country lost; for some three months after this my condition was as the dawning of the day.

3. The ends of which dispensation were, is/, To give proof to me of the Lord’s condescendence7 and love; which I very eminently saw in this. 2dly, To convince me by a strong hand of my atheism, and, by healing me in such a forlorn condition, showing an infinite power. For atheistical thoughts came divers times before this to my door, but these unclean spirits went out, and were not cast out, and therefore came again; until that now, as it were in a pitched battle, they were overthrown and cast out with a strong hand, and never after was I troubled with them. y/j’, To awaken me out of security, and to keep from it in time to come, that I might not rest in enjoyments, but, “forgetting what is behind, may press forwards;” to keep me waking, exercised and busy. I slept, and therefore this cry came. thly, To discover my wickedness, misery, and weakness, when left of God and given up to myself: “Woe also unto them when I leave them!” $thly, To put me out of conceit with legal terrors; for I thought they were good, and only esteemed them happy that were under them. They came, but I found they did me ill; and, unless the Lord had guided me thus, I think I would have died doating after them. 6thly, To mortify me to extraordinary enlargements; for I found they never come but a clap comes after them. That which so afflicted me, in this condition, was my ignorance, and want of sufficient knowledge of the object of believing, and too much haste in yielding to what Satan said, and some evil principles I had; for I thought it was sinful in me to seek to strengthen my soul, or to comfort it. I did not remember former experiences.

4. From which I learn, 1st, Weak faith, or faith in the beginning, is never able to endure assaults of tentations; and, therefore, God Himself must help immediately, Mat. viii. 25, 26. 2dly, There may be much of God in a dispensation, and much to be learned, and yet not noticed at first till a long time thereafter; for it is not long since I saw the well of waters that was here, John xiii. 7; Duet. viii. 3, “In the latter end you shall consider it.” $dfy, As the devil seeks to undermine folk in their strongest bulwarks, so must the Lord with a strong hand convince of, and teach fundamental principles, and amongst the rest persuade that there is a God, Mat. xvi. 17; 1 Cor. xii. 3. Natural belief and evidence must vanish in supematurals. 4/^/r, No natural or rational evidence is sufficient to convince of atheism; for all that either I could meditate or read in books, could not do my turn, nor cure my atheism, Mat. xvi. 17, “Flesh and blood hath not revealed this.” Peace is a created thing of God, Isa. lvii. 19. S^Afy, Fears arising, in saints, from tentations of atheism, do proceed from this ground, because they suspect they are atheists; rather than from this, that they indeed believe there is no God. For I feared I should be damned for my atheism. 6thh Christ outshoots Satan in his own bow. The devil sought by these tentations to shake me loose of all my principles, and make me despair; and God blessed it to be the mean of my establishing, Gen. 1. 20; Psal. cxix. 71. The Lord pitied me when He saw the devil’s violence; and, whatever the beginnings of trouble be, yet the end is peace and good, ithly, There is no case imaginable desperate, in which a man is to give over his hope. For here was as hopeless a case as ever any was in, there being no means to help, no grace in me, but stubbornness, and wrestling with God, none able to help me, all given over, the foundation shaken; and yet out of this was I helped. St/i/y, Ere the devil be dung out of any principal fort, there is ordinarily a great storm raised; he is not dung out without noise. And principal substantial truths are not cheap bought, gt/i/y, An evil under which the soul mourns, is burdened, and which it loathes, will never destroy a man: it is ills entertained that destroy the soul, lothly, God ever helps, and never until extremity, Duet, xxxii. 36; Isa. xli. 17, when the spirit begins to fail. lith/ While we are here we must resolve to meet with one evil after another to grapple with. Here is not the land of rest or peace: “In the world ye shall have tribulation,” either inward or outward, or both, Jo. xvi. ult. I had no sooner come out of the wilderness, and was thinking to “multiply my days as the sand,” in peace, but this storm came. “This is not your rest; there remaineth a rest for the people of God.” 2thl) As there are troubles, so are there deliverances out of troubles; “Many are the troubles of the righteous, but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.” No trouble is a saint’s dead-ill, it is not unto death, Psal. xxxiv. 19; but “evil shall slay the wicked,” verse 21. $thly, God afflicts in measure, He puts no more weight upon the soul than it is able to bear. I had little or no outward afflictions to grapple with; now, the Lord “stayed His east wind in the day of His rough wind,” Isa. xxvii. 8; the foundations of the great deep, which afterwards broke out, were not yet opened. 14//^/)’, Violent tentations last not long; when the devil turns violent, his best arrows are done: Nil vehemensdurabilc. thly, A saint’s first exercises are ordinarily in spirituals, ere he be set to conflict with outward troubles, that he be not turned carnal by them, but being somewhat acquainted with the Lord’s ways, may be more spiritual in his outward exercises. The Lord

trains him up privately, as it were, ere he set him out to fight, 6thly, As it is ordinary with young beginners to refuse to be comforted, and to join with Satan; so do they ordinarily fail herein, and refuse to be comforted, thinking it sinful. I might [have] had many things to comfort me, had I heeded; and it is the worst they can do. ijt/ify, Although God saves ordinarily by means, yet it is not any virtue that is in the means, that helps, but it is the Lord concurring with this or that mean. Although I grant an aptitude or rationality in the means, yet by reason of the resistance in the subject, they are ineffectual. It was a rational consideration saved me, but I had rejected many greater evidences: and I found, besides the rationality of the object, some other thing concurring, working physically. Mat. iv. 4; Hos. i. 7; Duet. viii. 3. “That thou mightst know man liveth not by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” So that, 18 thly, I found not only a moral suasion on the understanding and will, but even, besides, some physical sensible touch of God’s hand on the will, determining me and bowing me to assent, taking away the resistance, 19th/y, Pride and stubborness is the sting and life of evils; and by submission the gall and venom and fire of them is taken away. This fastens our bonds on us, Jam. iv. 6, “God resists the proud.” For, I said, I would be content of terrors, but not to proceed from this ground of atheism, but from God, to show me the evil of a natural condition. When the Lord would remove His hand, I would be discontent; now, said I, the Lord is gone, and hath not done His work, and I am as graceless as ever. 2ot/ify, Seldom do mercies good when there is over much peremptoriness in asking them. More submission would have made my deliverance much sweeter, and thankfulness and contentment with little mercies would bring in much gain, Psal. lxxviii. 29. Another storm behoved to humble me, and came a good while after, and did that which this did not; only the Lord condescended to my importunity. 2lstly, Extraordinary enjoyments are not to be anxiously desired, for they have “the day of adversity” set against them, Eccl. vii. 14. “God hath set the one against the other.” 22dly, Grace will some way appear in a man’s lowest condition, though it be very weak. For I found something of submission from that word, Micah vii. 9. Love likewise appeared, and my heart said, “Though He kill me, yet will I trust in Him.” 2y/v, God will deliver His people sometimes, though they be not very fitted for a deliverance; and, though there be no preparation for Him, He will come. For I may say, except prayer, which my extremity put me to, there was no grace exercised; sin was not made bitter to me, there was no humiliation, no patience, no faith, no instruction learned, but roaring like a bull in the net, and crying like the raven; and yet the Lord heard that voice, and delivered me, though in His justice the deliverance was not so sweet, as I observed before. 24/^/r, My doubts of the being of a God did arise more through want of a demonstrative argument to prove it positively, than from any argument to prove directly there was no God; for the devil never offered to prove that there was no God, but put it on me to prove, and answered my arguments and objections, which was hard to do; and because I could not prove it effectually, I would conclude that therefore there was no God.

SECTION 11.

Of a spiritual decay, and some afflictio?is I was trysted with for the space of two years.

My pride, and hastiness to be delivered out of my last sad exercise, was one reason, I think, that I received no more profit than I did by it. Our desires are not always best for us; the desires of the heart, and soul-leanness, go together, Psal. cvi. 15. I was but a novice in believing, and so not kept in perfect peace.

1. I was then to go South, being in the year 166 j, where I stayed from November, I think, till October thereafter, being to pay some money to a creditor, and to transact with some debitors, being at this time twenty-one years of age; as likewise some business did intervene there, which took me up. It was now that I began some way to mind business; I should have gone to the college, but I was otherwise taken up. In a word, except it was to spend my time, I knew no good I did all that time; only I wrote some law. I came home at last, and was a little more taken up in duty when at home than when afield, but made no sensible progress, but was as it were in the dead-throw.

2. About this time my outward afflictions began to appear, and the Lord was bringing me low as to my condition in the world, by means of a person who pretended right to all we had in the world, and had some colour of law for it.

ioo Memoirs of the

our securites not being well buckled; and besides, he was an active man. He called me South, being cited for that effect; where being come, and destitute of friends and money, the times being evil, and there being much corruption in Courts, and my adversary being in great favour, and I unwilling to go to, and unskilful in law, and withal being conscious to the weakness of my own securities, I was forced and inclined to agree with him on what terms it pleased himself, giving him much of 12,000 merks, which was a considerable part of my interest; which to the ignorant and unacquainted with my affairs (as all were beside myself) did expose me to much disrespect and contempt, which I was forced with patience to bear, and did make me to sail with a low sail. About the same time likewise, I unadvisedly bound for the sum of 8000 merks of provisions to my sisters, they being to be married, and my mother liferenting all my estate, which was not now above ^100 sterling per annum; which sums do daily run on interest, and consume my stock. And much of this I looked on as a punishment of my faults.

3. I lived and continued in these sins, which about this time did mightily prevail against me; (1) I omitted the excellent and precious occasions of getting and doing good, both in reference to myself and others, in spirituals and temporals, where I had occasions of sermons, of fellowship of saints, of books, of expeding business, and otherwise accomplishing myself, Mat. xxii. 3; Heb. x. 25; Isa. lxv. 2; Hos. viii. 22. Time was miserably mispent. (2) There was much omission of private duties, of prayer, meditation, and reading of the Scriptures; and these were either omitted, or very slightly performed. (3) I lived in spiritual adulteries, and gave myself to idols, to sensuality of meats, drinks, company, pastime, cards and dice; and, having “forsaken God, the fountain of living waters, I hewed out to myself broken cisterns that can hold no water.” And in this life of pleasures I continued, notwithstanding of many challenges of conscience. (4) I through this decayed in grace, lost my assurance, peace, and strength, and became very unhearty and indisposed. (5) Playing excessively at the unlawful game of cards, spending much of the day and night therein, and in reading of romances, notwithstanding of challenges. (6) There was extraordinary lightness in my conversation, especially with professors, when the sad times called for mourning. The work of reformation was at this time ruined; the eminent servants of Christ, some killed, some banished, their livelihood taken from them, and all generally discountenanced; wickedness advanced, and godliness borne down; faithful ministers cast from their charges, and hirelings introduced, because they would not submit to the accursed prelacy; and yet was I making mirth when mine eyes were witnesses to all this. My outward tentations to this were abundant divertisments, carnal company, and a spirit of sloth.

4. Yet notwithstanding some life continued still, and the burning bush was not consumed. The means that did me good were: (1) I would pray once a day, at least in the morning; and this kept me from putrifying altogether. (2) Writing some practical divinity did me good, and put me likewise in a frame. (3) On the Sabbath-day I would take some more time, and the Lord would ordinarily meet me with some life and affections; and then I would see the evil of my ways, and return. (4) Extraordinary times for meditation I would take; and, when sin and distance would come to some height, I would retire and pour out my soul to God, and by this means get good, and I would put on new resolutions. (5) Afflictions now began likewise to work, and these kept my eyes waking, and would make an impression upon my spirit, and put me out to prayer, and would make mercies, whether spiritual or temporal, sweet to me. (6) Some seasonable words I wrould hear sometimes in good books, or sermons, or discourses, wThich did keep my bones green as it were, and would keep in my dying life; and through this it came to pass, that though I was much endangered by tentations, yet not altogether destroyed.

5. God’s end in this, for any thing I yet understand, was to let me see the evil of the good of the world. For now, having health, peace, liberty, company, divertisements, and money, I became carnal, that so I might see the evils of the world to be better than the good thereof. 2dly That the remembrance of this mispent time might humble me afterwards, that in the sense of this I might walk softly and in bitterness, Hos. ix. 1; Isa. xxxviii. 15. y/)’, That thereby I might be the better assured of the Lord’s everlasting love, who now, when afresh provoked, did not forsake me, but after all this returns. As, imo, What a mercy that I was not taken away in my sins! If God should then have summoned me, how unprepared had I been, and what a terror would death then have been unto me? Ezek. xx. 8. 2do, In keeping in the dying and consuming life, that I fell not back altogether, and slept not the “sleep of death,”1 Exod. iii. 2. 3//V?, In His pains and visitations, whereby my spirit was upholder!. Oh, how did He warn me! how did He preserve my soul from falling, and dried mine eyes from tears: One time, despairing almost of doing any good, I was recovered and strengthened by that word, Duet. viii. 15, 16, “I led thee through a great and terrible wilderness, that I might do thee good in the latter end.” Another time a graceless minister, of whom I expected nothing, did revive my spirit against the fears of wants in the world, in a sermon on these words, “Fear not, the hairs of your head are all numbered;” and spake most pertinently to the case. 4/V;, At last He delivered me. And will not this God that hath accompanied me so far, carry me to the end?

6. From which I observe, 1st, The great wickedness and power of sin that is in every man’s heart, that, notwithstanding of all means, will still be breaking out again and again. O how great need of great watchfulness is there, and spiritual dependence on God! 2d/j>, God’s own people to whom He shows kindness, are not exempted from the greatest of evils, such as sins, tentations, desertions, decays, and afflictions; which should make us walk in fear and trembling, 2 Chron.

xxxii. 26. 3*//r, All the Lord’s ways are mercy and truth to them that fear Him; He brings good out of all evils; where sin abounds, grace superabounds. I trust this shall do me good, and make me ‘Move much, because much is forgiven,” PsaL xxv. 10. 4////1’, Prosperity, ease, and the desires of the soul, send leanness to the soul; the evils of the world are much better than the good thereof, Prov. i. 32. It is still better with me when I have least outward comforts. $thh Whatever God suffers in others for a time, or whatever their own thoughts may be, yet will not God suffer sin unpunished or uncorrected in professors, Amos iii. 2. Though God be merciful, gracious, and long-suffering, yet “by no means will He clear the guilty.’’ Justice and mercy kiss one another; for about this same time my outward afflictions did begin, and the seeds of my future afflictions were sown. 6/7//r, All means to recover out of a backslidden condition will be in vain, though they keep life until the Lord Jesus’ hour come, “In vain shalt thou use many medicines,” Jer. ii. 20, 22. >]thly, Prayer and meditation, though not always effectual for the end intended, yet are evermore profitable; for though they did not altogether recover me, yet this I find, they did preserve me from utter falling: and so by experience I know the truth of this, “He hath not said to the house of Jacob, Seek His face in vain;” a great encouragement to duty, Heb. xi. 6; Job. xxi. 15. For, ever since I remember, proportionable to my diligence in seeking was my finding; nor made I ever any extraordinary mint to seek God, but I found something extraordinary. 8t/i/)’, It is a concluded and resolved thing, which will universally hold true of all the people of God, That they shall not only have inward troubles, but likewise outward troubles in and from the world, and find it (they must) “vanity and vexation of spirit;” that their affections may be weaned therefrom, and they made to seek another rest, and their graces may be exercised, John xvi. ult. 9////)’, The hasty concluding, we have no interest in God, as it comes and is increased by security, so it is the ground of apostacy, and produces much evil, imo, It offends God by rubbing a lie on Him, and calling the work of His Spirit a natural work or worse. 2do, Unthankfulness for so great a work, the soul denying it. 3//V?, No love to God, as conceiving Him yet a stranger. 4/0, No satisfaction, pleasure, or delight in the Lord or His ways, because no interest in them. 5/0, And, there being no rest in God, there is a necessity of seeking it elsewhere in the creature. 6fo, The hands weakened in seeking of God, since former pains are ineffectual: What can I do, that I have not done already? saith the soul, jmo, Hard thoughts of God as of an enemy and evil-wisher to poor sinners, rather than as one willing to save them, and that is their friend; seeing no means can prevail with Him. But, lothly, and lastly, I learn a Christian’s assurance or faith, though it do not firstly flow from holiness, yet is ever proportionable to his holy walking. Faith is kept in a pure conscience; sin is like a blot of ink fallen upon our evidences. This I found as a truth, and so will any not given up to the delusion of Antinomianism.

SECTION III.

Of my recovery by faith.

Being thus kept for a while in bonds, and not able to recover, I came home, and the Lord looked upon me thus:

1. Being come home, and exceedingly afflicted with the remembrance of misspent time, and the cloud that was upon me, breaking out in outward troubles, being then in my sister’s, I resolved, seeing my case was extraordinary, and, therefore, required an extraordinary remedy, and that fasting and setting some reasonable time apart had been so blest to me, I would try what the Lord would now do to me by it. The causes were my unsettledness and low condition. At that time I gave up myself to God to be directed by

Him; and He led me by an unexpected way, which was by convincing me of my unbelief, and humbling’ me under it, and drawing me by renewed acts of faith to Himself again. The Lord made the strain of my discourse to run out on faith and unbelief, which last I considered as the greatest of evils. The considerations that then had influence upon me were, 1st, Unbelief was the only and great sin of the Israelites in the wilderness, for which the Lord was so angry, that He “consumed their days in vanity,” Ps. lxxviii. 32, 33, because they did not trust in Him, nor believed Him for all His wonders. 2dly, Unbelief reflects on God, and says as much as, He is a liar, 1 John v. 10. An opinion of God’s infidelity and treachery is the foundation of unbelief, as His truth is the ground of faith. $dfy, Unbelief is the mother and womb of all the departings and apostacies of the soul from God, Heb. iii. 12. Unbelief is the captain that strikes the first stroke, and leads all the armies of spiritual evil against us; our faith is the first thing that fails in us. /.M) Unbelief is more heinous than the sin of Sodom, Mat. xi. 24 — more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrah than for unbelieving Capernaum. sMy, Unbelievers are amongst the first and chief that shall be sent to the bottomless pit, Rev. xxi. 8, “The fearful and unbelievers,” etc. 6My, The Holy Ghost, when He comes to convice of sin, convinces of this most, John xvi. 9, “When He comes He will convince of unbelief;” as though there were no sin but this, or in comparison of this, J My, Unbelief is a sin against love and kindness, and the refusing of the offers of love; and this wounds the Lord most. Anything but unkindness, Acts xiii. 41 — therefore, “ye despisers, wonder and perish.” SMy, Unbelief is a sin against the person of Christ; “They would have none of Me.” 9 My, Unbelief is a sin that makes the Lord lose much pains and travail. If a physician would have gone to a far country, and with great pains have brought a precious potion that only could heal his patient’s disease; if now the patient, after all this work, should spill it, or break the vessel in which it were, would not this go very far to the physician’s heart? So it is here; the Lord Jesus hath come from the bosom of the Father, taught so much, suffered so much, waited so long on thee, suffered so much of thee, humbled thee, taken all the pains imaginable on thee, and all to make thee believe, and which is only able to do thee good; and wilt thou after all this refuse the potion? lot/ify, Unbelief is a dangerous and strong evil, that walks up and down the soul under the notion of humility, and can be hardly gotten away. With these considerations which God did press home on my soul, through His goodness and power, I was wrought on so powerfully and sweetly to believe the sinfulness of unbelief, and evil thereof; and the Lord commended faith so to me, that I found I was drawn to Christ by an irresistible yet suitable power, and yet so strongly, that I could not misbelieve, and was made to resolve and promise never more to misbelieve. I was passive, and found a divine power in it. (2) From this there proceeded a new heart, resolution, and strength. (3) All sorrows and fears were removed, and I was much comforted, quieted, and strengthened. (4) Strengthened to seek the Lord and His ways. (5) Sin in general mortified, and a particular sin, viz., playing at cards, quite felled, with which I had so long wrestled in vain, and to which I had so great an inclination that I continued in it against checks of conscience: that sin, I say, this day received its death’s wound; so as I put on a thorough resolution never to use any of these games and lottery, and this so effectually, that from that day to this day I had never so much as an inclination to it, which before I could hardly forbear; which gave me great peace afterwards.

2. Nor were the immediate effects of this, while at home, less blessed: For (1), I found a greater wisdom, strength, and activity to go about civil business, which I could master now. (2) I had some experience of the Lord’s kindness in some afflictions and trials I met with at the same time, in supporting my spirit under them, and delivering my soul out of them wonderfully by His own immediate power; which,

Rev. James Fraser oj Brea. 107

if God had not done, any of them might do much to break me; these did not in the least dismay me. (3) I found afflictions doing me good, and the rod was giving me instruction, and putting me to prayer in an extraordinary manner. My heart likewise was mortified to the world, and God was made sweet to me as my portion. (4) I got some knowledge in the covenant of grace, the grounds of believing, the advantages thereof, and motives to it. With this my spirit was most exercised, and, being called to another country, I expressed much cheerfulness in my life and spiritual strength in the Lord, crying out against discouragements and unbelief, and pressing faith, and showing the grounds thereof; for I found the the professors thereof to be altogether discouraged with unbelief and a spirit of bondage, for application of promises was counted presumption, and I cannot deny but I was some way useful to some of them. And their great unbelief and slavish spirit did make me think that ere long they would fall though they were eminent, and so it fell out. (5) I began again to write diaries, and to walk more closely and circumspectly with God. (6) Being very dead afterwards, I went under great indisposition to prayer at night, and I, through the Lord’s providence, was put to meditate on the Lord’s way of doing me good, and the communion I had with Him at my first acquaintance. The Lord so blessed these thoughts that they strangely revived and stirred me up to a more vigorous following of God, which continued and increased for much of a quarter of a year, in which time I was fully growing. (7) The Lord did put me now to meditate on more substantial truths than formerly, viz., the evil of sin, God’s attributes, death, hell, and heaven, of indispositions, which did me much good. (8) The buds of true sincerity and purity of ends and actions were now appearing; and I then began first to think that possibly I was converted. (9) The Scriptures were exceeding sweet to me, and I began to see and feel more light, and power, and wisdom in them than ever before, especially the Epistle to the Romans, which did much stablish me in believing. Gifts increased, so was the outward conversation reformed. (10) Several practical and speculative discourses which I did write, especially on afflictions, did me good; solitude, prayer, doing good to others, and strictness in walking, did me much good, so did my meditations on sin, on the attributes of God, on afflictions likewise.

3, Although there was enmity set between me and my lusts, yet not being thoroughly mortified, and they getting leave, did make me unstable in my ways; so that, like the sluggard, “I roasted not what I took in hunting,” and beginning to succeed in some affairs, and carrying business, and growing in some estimation with others, my heart, not well balanced, was lifted up, and I was projecting great things to myself, and dealing imperiously with some under my power. Likewise some of my carnal relations at the same time being men of account, coming out of the South, and having ado with them, I but too much sought to humour them, and to comply with their fashions and sinful customs of healthing, which did much untune me, and wear away some of the former impressions.

4. From all which I observe and learn these things: 1st, That faith is the life of a Christian and the main grace, Isa. lv. 3; Hab. ii. 4; Rom. i. 17; Heb. x. 38; Gal. ii. 20. 2dfy, That faith is wrought by the power of God, in which the soul is passive, though faith itself be an act of the soul; for I was overpowered in believing and drawn to God. $dfy, That faith hath a great influence on sanctification, so that one main reason of so little power against sin, so little holiness in life and conversation, is the want of the exercise of faith, and through a spirit of bondage, 1 Pet. i. 5; Mark ix. 19, 23; Heb. xi. 33. By faith righteousness is wrought, and all apostacy proceeds from a decay of faith, thly, Where Christ hath begun a good work, He will continue still to perfect it, Phil. i. 6. 5^/z/)’, Faith and every other grace is at first but very imperfect, Matth. xiii. 31 — “like a grain of mustard-seed.” 6M/r, God doth not always deliver in that way and manner that is thought or designed by the poor soul itself, but in an unexpected and oftentimes contrary way. For I designed a fast to see if the Lord would break in with terror upon my soul, and that was the way by which I thought to return out of my backsliding, and, behold, the Lord helped, by pressing and helping to believe, 2 Kings v. 11; Prov. iii. 5; Isa. lv. 8. ithly, Faith is the first grace in exercise, prior in time to any other, John vi. 29; Jer. xxxi. 19, “After I was turned, I smote upon my thigh.” And he that would do anything, let him hx his faith first, for “whatever is not done in faith is sin.” 8//z/j’, As faith and other graces have their flo wings, so have they and will have their ebbings; they have their winters and summers, none must expect constant and uninterrupted growth; they have their witherings, that dependence and fresh application may be made to Christ, and that Christ for a renewed life may put a renewed obligation on the soul, Isa. xxxiii. 24; Psalm cii. 26; 1 Pet. i. 24. Let none expect constant health. It is said of the heavens, “Thou shalt change them, and they shall be changed.” gt/ify, Days and times set apart extraordinarily, on some extraordinary occasions, are exceeding useful and profitable (if not needful) to the preservation of a Christian life; nor know I how folks can be Christians without it. There were occasional sacrifices as well as the daily burnt-offering, and days and times extraordinarily for extraordinary occasions. It is true, they are not stinted now under the Gospel, nor holy by precept, as they were; but there is this moral in them that yet obliges, that extraordinary mercies or troubles should have proportional extraordinary worship and address to God. For my own part, I cannot express how needful, yea, how profitable and necessary these days have been — what others may do I know not. And I look on the neglect of extraordinary address to God as one main cause why there are so many decayed, and are but high-way Christians.

no Memoirs of the

SECTION IV.

Of some after troubles and decays that befell me, and recoveries thereout, 1663.

1. Being delivered now from all my fears, and my day clearing as to my spiritual condition and better hopes of temporal affairs, I was anew plunged in a sea of troubles when I did scarce dream of it. For falling out with some of my relations unadvisedly, and egged on by others, anent some civil matters, I pursued them at law, and spent more on it than the matter was worth, and that merely on the account of my credit and reputation. Where there wanted not diligence and success as to my part, but God put visible hinderances in the way, and I was led merely by my inclinations, and did not advise with the Lord. 2dfy, At first, through want of occasions to pray, and manifold tentations, and want of good company, and much distracted with what I intended, and quartering in a change-house, I fell in some considerable decay, and began to be remiss in my progress, and to grow dead, and dull, and untender, and the Lord’s communications did dry up upon my soul, and now I began to forget former things; and this continued July and August. $d/y, I changed my quarters in town, being unsatisfied with my former, and the inconvenience thereof, and took up my chamber in a godly man’s house, an outed minister, where, through his godly conversation, and some more pains taken in duties, and his godly spiritual sermons on the Sabbath-day, and my withdrawing from hearing curates, but especially through the Lord’s pouring out of His Spirit, and drawing near to my soul, I began again to recover, and in process of time not only recovered what I lost but much more. The unregarded vineyard was now looked to again, and communion with God set on foot, and my taste of spiritual truths returned again. Here I stayed till the middle of October. Athly, One Sabbath-day especially, when alone, and at first perceiving nothing, and under great deadness, and upon the point of giving over, the Lord was pleased unexpectedly to draw near, and to concur so with my exercises, as that through the light of His Spirit I was made to see much of my good estate, and to behold the work of God in my soul, to discover the many mistakes I had that before kept me in darkness and bondage, through which I was so enlightened and strengthened that it was a recovery of health after sickness, and like the sun getting out from under the cloud; in the strength of which I went afterwards, and by this day’s exercise did much advance in my journey. And the truths of the Lord then taught me were of special use ever afterwards to me. $thly, I here likewise got some extraordinary visits from the Lord both in prayer and other exercises, especially in reading of the Scriptures. But it was pressed on my spirit, and I was followed with it, “That bonds and afflictions were abiding me,” which accordingly fell out. 6t/ify, I succeeded as to my business for which I came South, having got the law with much pains and expenses against those who did compete with me, they not striving much against it, but going another way to work. ithly, Here, likewise, taking but too great a liberty to converse with Quakers, I was, through some of their insinuations and reading of their books, tempted to join with them, and a great stir upon my spirit. But going to pray to God, and recommending my staggering spirit to Him, the Lord made such a light to shine in my soul from His Word, that did let me see the utter evil of their way, and how cross it was to God’s will, the danger and inconsistency of it with salvation, so as I was made to look on them as the greatest enemies to Christ of any He had, and the effects of the wrath of God to punish such as had not received the truth in love. This was a week’s exercise to me. The means were prayer, submission, seasonably suggested Scriptures, and some meditation on their way: but that which did most alienate me from them was, I saw them more zealous for spreading their opinion than drawing to Christ. I saw or heard little of His praises in their ii2 Memoirs of the

mouths; the end of their conversation was not Christ. 2dly, I thought on the main controverted principles, and clearly saw them of the devil. I looked on the inward testimony and guiding of the spirit (as they say) in the heart, but as a device of Satan to cast off the Scriptures, that he, deluding their spirits, and they giving way to their own corrupt imaginations, might close with any evil he should suggest; and besides, I saw it flat contrary to the Scriptures by which Christ was led, and which were given that we might believe and learn to fear God. y/r, They denied the sovereignty of God in maintaining free-will and all in man’s power, which I saw manifestly cross to the Scriptures, -lthly, I saw clearly that they walked in a covenant of works; jbr their way of justification and happiness was only taking heed to the light within, and obeying it, and by so doing to come to eternal life; and this I could never digest. $thly, I looked on their casting aside a standing ministry and ordinances, and not praying but when the Spirit moveth, as so many hellish inventions of Satan, and great presumptuous arrogancy, and the effects of a slothful spirit, and the design of all to draw from the simplicity of the Gospel. 6th! I saw they walked by sense and feeling, and not by faith. 7 //£/)’, I saw and considered that those that they made their prey were ordinarily but only old jaded professors, that never found the constant satisfying sweetness of their own religion, and in time wearying of it, and not able to resist the strong temptations of spiritual enemies, and in a word wanting rest in Christ, because never truly united to Him, have in time withered, and, like the unclean spirit, seeking rest and finding none, have here at last stumbled. Nor have I ever been stumbled at any who fell that way, being known to have sense predominant in them that in time would lead them to it. In a word, I never knew any extraordinary tender walker, and knowing, continuing so, that stumbled in this: and this delusion seemed to me to be a particular judgment on adulterous professors, whereas the Gospel takes and apprehends all sorts. 8////)’, I considered, that if there was any thing commendable in them, such as their unwillingness to pray rashly, but in the Spirit, their waiting and close attending on the Spirit, their mortification to the world, their self-denial, their sobriety and temperance in all things, their freedom in reproving all sorts, and their diligence in exhorting all — I say, if there was any thing like this commendable in them, our own principles did lead us to these things, however we generally in our practice come short; and I looked on this foolish people as stirred up of God to upbraid His own people, and to teach them these things which they so much press. These things, with their personal infirmities and weakness which I observed, with other reasons which I now remember not, through the Lord’s blessing had such influence as made me utterly abhor them, the Lord in all this instructing me with a strong hand.

2. During this time likewise I began to forsake the prelates and curates, and did forbear to hear them. The steps by which I went were: (1) For a long time I heard without any scruple, but never could I get any good, and I found the outward ordinances do me less good than formerly; yea, when privately, I got good; nor could I after examination find any cause in me of this. (2) The curate’s preaching did me ill at last, insomuch, that when I would come to sermon in any frame, I wTould come from it dead and heartless; and, when I went indisposed, I would be far worse. Thus I continued for a long time: and many times I observed this, but could not imagine the cause: yet at length I wras suspicious that this might be the cause, especially when withdrawing became a doubtsome case in the kingdom, which began to be about the time that there was an act made against it. (3) Suspecting the matter, I began to examine it; and at first view my affections began to be engaged for the negative, ere yet my iudgment was determined; and, by looking to it, I found the weakness of the chief grounds for hearing, by considering that the naked act of preaching was not an ordinance of God (otherwise women, madmen, children, yea, and devils, could preach) unless by men sent. I saw likewise that the Church could not make choice of them whom God had in His Word discharged. I saw likewise that we might separate from those that were never excommunicate. I was convinced likewise that the true visible Church did not stand so much in the multitude as in the serious professors of the truths of God-; and that these few, continuing faithful, were rather to be followed than the multitude. Having laid these principles, a door was opened. (4) I went a good while contrary to my inclinations; and one day going, I was compelled to return back again, and durst not for terror go forwards. Upon which I prayed to God, that if He were displeased with my going, He would gave me some sign thereof, and that He might be pleased to bless my private exercises; which the Lord did, so as, in one afternoon while private, I gained more life and knowledge of God than I did a whole year before; by which I was much confirmed.

(5) About the same time many providential considerations had influence with me; the universality of the godly and tenderest leaving them daily; the extraordinary influence of God’s Spirit on myself and others when separate from them; some sad consequences following such as did hear them; as likewise, I heard and knew of some under exercise for hearing of them, which much confirmed me, and made me think that God did own us in not hearing. I found that made out to me, “Be ye separate, and I will be a father to you.”

(6) By searching into the matter as a case of conscience, I found positive grounds for judgi-ng “withdrawing from them” a seasonable duty; as the frequent commands of God, to “separate from,’’ to “let alone,” and “beware of,” and “flee from’’ corrupt guides, John x. 5; Mat. xv. 14. I thought the consequence of hearing to be a hardening and strengthening of them in their courses, and a destruction to the work of God: I looked on it as against nature to join and keep fellowship with such rebels, that were so signally and avowedly against the Lord in arms; and I thought love to God compelled me to leave them. I likewise looked on hearing of them (as it was an act of worship), an owning of the authority of prelates; for “He that receiveth you, receiveth Me; and He that receiveth Me, receiveth Him that sent Me.” For obedience to officers, when it is active, is an acknowledgment of their authority. I conceived I was otherwise bound by the covenant. And, lastly, I judged my respect to the poor people of God, and who were generally injured for this cause, should make me run into them, and take the same lot with them in life or death, especially seeing they suffered upon that account. (7) Being to die, there was nothing that in my conscience got such an approbation from God as my separation from them. And (8) To confirm all, I besought God by fasting on a day of humilation set apart on purpose for this effect, beseeching God to reveal His mind unto me in this case; the result of which was, that there were new grounds given me of separation from them, and my former grounds confirmed; so that I continued in a separation from them to this day. Thus was I drawn from curates, and by these means, being now six years almost since I first left them.

3. And now, being a little strengthened, and looking for good days, a cloud came and darkened my sky; for a grievous storm of outward afflictions did break out, which did indeed win into my soul, and which did increase and draw my former afflictions to a head; the steps of which were these: (1) The great law business for which I came South, and had gotten done, was at once casten in the hows by those whose names I had borrowed to the pursuit, they discharging it; by which means my reputation was lost, and what I should gain by it; as likewise all my preparations against some debitors were made void, and I looked on this at that time no less than the loss of ^20,000. (2) I lost through my absence from the North, and want of advertisement South, 800 merks per annum, which were comprised formerly, and now recovered by the creditors, which afterwards I strove to hinder all I could, and to regain, but all in vain, and to no purpose, but laying out of needless expenses; so as I behoved to live on my mother’s bounty, and had not wherewith to spend or do business. (3) And, to help this, other 200 merks per annum were evicted from me about the same time, through want of money to defend it, and bad securites. (4) Nor was this enough. After I came home I could not get rest nor freedom to enjoy myself, but was charged before two courts at one time most violently, for no less than 12,000 merks alleged due by my father, and a wrongous ejection, which kept me continually travelling, and put me to great charges to maintain these two actions, being likewise at the same time charged South. (5) There were likewise some small debts which I was owing here and there, extending in all to ^1000, for which I was daily harassed by several persons, so that South, North, East, and West, I could not turn me where I had not a creditor — which I confess troubled me more than all the rest, as having my credit engaged therein; and that which I had ordered to pay them was taken away, nor knew I what to do. One mercy I had, my health was continued. (6) Nothing now remained of all my father’s great fortune but a small wadset of sixteen chalders, liferented likewise by my mother. And about the same time a new (though an unjust) adversary charges both her and me for 36,000 merks, and a reduction of our rights; so that our whole livelihood was either gone or at stake. For four years did this adversary vex us, and was like to have undone us as to our temporal condition, had not the Lord prevented. (7) To this was added contempt and reproach; I was the table-talk of the times then; “Behold a man smitten of God.” I was a sign and wonder; the people of God were grieved; my nearest and surest friends forsook and looked strange on me, of whose kindness now I had proof, and whom of purpose I tried, though I knew they would not help me; I was as a burden to them, and by them despised. And whoever had any thing to say, did now strike in against me; my enemies rejoiced, and myself at first was sore sunken. (8) And, to complete all, there was no returning to Him that smote me, and my strokes felled me, and at first I decayed in my spiritual condition; and thus was my spiritual condition from October to January 1665; all things were low both spiritually and temporally.

4. The causes of these my troubles were either outward or from myself. The outward causes were, my authors’ bad securities in their heritages, which were questioned in my time. (2) My father’s cautionary for others, which hath been 48,000 merks out of my way. (3) His dying so soon, and leaving me so young. (4) The unskilfulness and negligence of those whom he intrusted with the management thereof; for nothing was looked to after he was gone, and all was destroyed ere I was twenty years of age. (5) Evil friends, some slighting us and denying us help; others, out of envy to my father, employing all their power to harm us, which succeeded. (6) Evil times, so as I durst scarce appear to do any thing, those whom I had to do with being in court, and I being hated for my principles; and all things went by moyen and bribing, so as I was forced to agree with them in the terms they pleased. Secondly, The cause inward from myself was sin; as (1) I suppose my relations’ sins had influence on this storm, for I found great freedom in confessing them. (2) We were a professing family, and did not walk suitably thereunto, but like the world. (3) My carnality, and desires to be great with men, and my too much esteeming, prizing, and desiring of outward greatness, and comforts. (4) Faithlessness in dealing with others, seeking by law-tricks to secure our interests, and dissimulation in bargaining. (5) Not acknowledging of God in all our ways, but doing all things without His advice, and running to this or the other outward help. (6) Pride, and stoutness of heart, which God hath been crushing. (7) Breach of vows and engagements, especially of dedicating myself to the service of God in the ministry. (8) Incorrigibleness under ordinances, convictions, and lesser judments; therefore did the Lord take the rod, Exod. xx. 5;

Job v. 4, 5. (2) Amos iii. 2; Ezek. xxxvi. 20. (3) Isa. lvii. 17; Jer. vi. 12, 13. (4) Jer. vi. 13. (5) Hos. viii. 3, 4; Isa. xxxi. 1. (6) James iv. 6; Isa. xxviii. 1. (7) Eccles. v. 4, 5. (8) Amos iv. 6; Isa. vi. 9, 11. Thirdly, The Lord’s ends were, as I suppose, ist9 To reform and heal me, Isa. xxvii. 9. 2dfy, To humble my heart, and break it; to break the pride, stoutness, hardness, and lightness thereof, Deut. viii. 2. y/r, To deaden me to the world, and to friends and relations; and, therefore, made me find such bitterness, vexation, vanity, and disappointments from it. No friend or relation ever I had but failed and disobliged me, Hos. ii. 6, 7; Micah ii. 10. 4/^/v, To give me experience of His love in delivering me out of all these troubles, and supporting me under them, Rom. v. 3, 4, 5, to do me good in my latter end, Deut. viii. 15, 16, to prepare me for this. 5 //$/)’, That I might be fitted and enabled to direct and comfort others in their afflictions, 2 Cor. i. 4. 6thly, To draw me to Himself, and seek Him more earnestly, Isa. xxvi. 8. Jth/v, To keep me from rotting and dying, and to hold me waking; therefore hath He been constantly exercising me, Isa. xxxviii. 16. “By these things shall men live.” Sthfy, To learn, exercise, and increase faith and patience, James i. 2, 3. gthfy, To keep me with Himself in these times, and to preserve me from the snares of an evil time, which now I find rich men exposed unto. And, indeed, I found much good by all these dispensations; for by the sadness of the countenance I find my heart bettered and mortified to. the world, and I draw nearer to God, and kept waking, and have experience of the Lord’s goodness, so that I may say, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted.“‘One thing I am sure of, I would never have kythed so much for Him as I do now. In a word, the Lord hath so blessed His rod to me, as I find all these ends and fruits of righteousness wrought on me, so as I may say, I had perished unless I had perished (periissem nisi periissem). The world and the “prosperity of fools hath destroyed” many; “they have no changes, and, therefore, fear not

Rev. Jamts Fraser of Brea. tiq

God;” and “they are settled on their lees.” Blessed be the Lord for inward and outward exercises and troubles.

5. I learn and observe these things: (1) Outward prosperity puffs up the heart, Deut. xxxii. 15. (2) As a man thrives in the world, so hath he friends in the world: I found their kindness ebb and flow as my fortune did, Lam. i. 8; Ezek. xvi. 37. (3) When God afflicts, it is in earnest and not in jest, Ezek. ii. 4, 5: 1 Sam. iii. 12: Jer. iv. 12, a full wind, and vi. 19, I felt this storm. (4) There is need of great heaviness; light strokes will not do the turn, and, therefore, the furnace is made the hotter. (5) It is the ordinary lot of God’s people, and they must lay their account with it, to find trouble in and from the world, John xvi. ult. “Through much tribulation we must enter into the kingdom of God.’” (6) All inventions and means are in vain to deliver out of trouble till the acceptable year come. “In vain shalt thou use many medicines.” All means were broken. (7) The storms of God’s people may last long, so as they may be put to cry, “How long?” and their whole years spent in sighing, Psal. xiii. 1. (8) The want of the company of God’s people is a great evil, and a great step to defection; I found the loss of it. Eccl. iv. 10, “Woe to him that is alone.” (9) Their company is a great mercy, and a blessed mean to beget life, 1 Pet. iii. 1, to maintain it and recover life, Eccl. iv. 9, 10, 11, 12. Through good company I recovered again. (10) No greater curse than for a man to get his will and desires in the wrorld. I ever got a wound when I had the desires of my heart; then leanness was sent to my soul, (n) Whatever sin the Lord lets go with His people, yet will He not let pride go with them. I was seeking to be great in the world, James iv. 6; 2 Chron. xxxii. 25. (12) Ordinarily men at first get no good by afflictions, but are rather worse, and are felled under them, Hosea ii. 6, 7; Isa. lvii. 17. (13) The crosses of the people of God are still and ever sanctified unto them really, “for it shall accomplish that whereunto it is sent,” and, therefore, they are blessed things.

“It is good for me that I have been afflicted,” Heb. xii. n. (14) The good is not presently seen, though it be, but there is much corruption seen; God doth good, though we see it not. “They knew not that I healed them,’” Hosea xi. 3. “In the latter end ye shall consider it.” (15) God shows much mercy in affliction; He lays it not on till they be able to bear it, and He “stays His rough wind in the day of His east wind.” The Lord gave some mitigation and a breathing time, and strengthened the soul, and by His visitations upheld it, Psal. cxxxviii. 3, lest they should be swallowed up of grief and sorrow. (16) As the people of God are graciously exercised under trouble, so doth there much ill blood come out too. I dare not say but grace was exercised, but Oh how much corruption was there! how much fainting, murmuring, unbelief, and seeking to carnal means was there! and how slowly did my dross go away! (17) The beginning of a Christian warfare and life is the hardest, and the entry is straitest. “The latter end is peace;” “to do thee good in thy latter end.” (18) Sin and afflictions do ordinarily tryst together, and sin is the sting of crosses; “The sting of death is sin.” A proud, murmuring, sinful heart makes weights and burdens painful. (19) God’s love is more seen in comforting and strengthening under trouble than in delivering from it, Luke xii. 32. (20) God is the only comforter of His people under afflictions. “In Thee the fatherless findeth mercy; in Me ye shall have peace.”

SECTION V.

Of my recovery out of decays and afflictions.

1. Being in this forsaken and desolate case, and none to pity, it pleased the Lord to look upon me, and to give my soul a resting-place when forsaken of all others; He was the only friend in adversity. (1) He strengthened my soul by comfortable words, allaying thereby the extremity of my afflictions — then did He say unto me, “Why art thou dis-Rev. James Eraser of Urea. 1 2 1

quieted?” Is there any thing but what is ordinary befallen thee? Are there not many thousands that would change conditions with thee? All this is but bainrs-play to what others have suffered. Is it not good that thou art thus afflicted? Thou hast much of Christ’s compassion, and pity, and tenderness; it may be He will do thee good for this. It is good that this is the vengeance He takes for all that thou hast done — “Chastened of the Lord, that thou mayest not be condemned with the world.” Poor soul, what hast thou lost? Thy loss hath been only the things of the world, in which no part of thy happiness doth consist. Art thou not in thy Father’s hand? and will not thy Tutor order all things well? Men and devils can do no more than He prescribes, and dost thou fear evil from that airth? And shouldst thou not bear all that comes from Him? But consider further, wouldst thou yet exchange states with the mad world? All thy adversaries, in all likelihood, that are now making merry, are to burn in Hell for ever. Is thy misery any thing to these? Wait, therefore, upon God. A little time will blow over this storm, it is so violent that it cannot last long. And though thy case be very sad, yet is it not beyond the reach of God’s power; yea, for all this thou shalt bless the day that ever thou wast afflicted. Afflictions are good things, else had they never been left in legacy by Christ, nor promised in the new covenant. With these and the like considerations was my soul several times in my extremity refreshed and allayed. (2) I would get much ease sometimes by pouring out of my soul to God in prayer, and showing Him my case, which at first I could not win unto. (3) I had general letters of loosing arrestments; some persons were left out; I was counselled, in respect it was just, and did proceed upon an omission and sloth, to insert and interline the other persons, and to execute it particularly. To which I condescended at first, but afterwards I had scruples of it, imagining it to be illegal; and though it was just, yet there should be so much respect to the law as not to contravene it or to lie on it. Being in this strait, and bound for two days’ space, I could get none prayed, the Lord thereby showing Himself displeased with such a procedure. I did all I could to clear my conscience, but the more was I bound and straitened; and to satisfy my conscience my will could not condescend. Thus was I racked betwixt conscience and interest, each of them imprisoning me. At last I prayed to the Lord, that with His power He would bow my will to His. The Lord heard, and convinced me of the sinfulness and inconveniency of the thing, and of my duty. Well, then, quoth I, as delivered from a prison, though I should lose 10,000 merks by it, I will not displease the Lord’s deputy; let me have war with all, but peace with God, let the hazard and prejudice be what it can; and thereupon immediately and fully resolved to forego my interest, and leave the Lord to recompense me. Which, when I had once win unto, immediately there came a sweet calm into my soul, access to God, my mouth opened in prayer, my bonds loosed, my spirit comforted and strengthened, and an extraordinary sweetness found in complying with the Lord’s will, and, at the same time, strengthened to bear all my burdens, and cheerfully to undergo them; got light what to do, so as the next day I execute what I resolved, my friends in the meantime chiding with me, and thinking me a gone man that stood on such a scruple. (4) Quickly did the Lord reward me even outwardly; for my adversary that had charged me for a spulzie, and had it to his probation before the Sheriffcourt, insisting violently; and I, ignorant what defences to make, had in my company a registrate horning, which I accidentally and

without premeditation (God putting it in my mind at the same time) did cast in, by which he, being the King’s rebel, was incapacitate from pursuing me. And the Lord so ordered it that he never after compeared to trouble me, by which means I was delivered from a loss and a fashery, and had but one court to wait upon. (5) Being pursued before the Commissar-court likewise for 9000 merks resting by my father, the Lord in that showed me kindness, notwithstanding of the greatness of the sum, the power, knowledge, influence, and activity of my ad-. rv: and notwithstanding his process was very well fixed, and that I wanted money, and none to lend me from whom I was wont to borrow, and had no skill in law matters then (I was then like the setting sun in my declining days, and looked on as a despised branch, withered, that would never grow again; and that every one thought the decreet should be quickly pronounced against me, yea, and myself every day in daily expectations thereof), yet it pleased God to stir up a stranger to lend me money, to provide unexpected defences in some books of law, wherein my case would at first start up, and therefrom be provided with what to say in law against the next day. The time for a whole half-year, in which ordinarily every week there was a compearance, was protracted; and when at last I was adjudged to swear or otherwise be descerned, and I refusing lest I should offend others, though I was clear in the matter; the very day in which sentence was to be pronounced against me, by threatening the judges with casting in a horning against them, I got them for that day to delay it. Which horning I came very accidentally by, and so not only got it delayed, but my adversary, wearied with such delays, and his commission at the same time taken away, he gave over the pursuit, and never further troubled me till this day; and I got, partly by reading and partly by pleading and hearing the form, a competent measure of knowledge in the law.

2. At the same time I was growing in my spiritual condition, recovering out of my decays, and increasing in faith, in diligence, and in strength; likewise the evidence of regeneration, in the duty of examination was discovered, mistakes cleared, and buds of the new nature did appear above ground; the Scriptures were very sweet, occasions of meeting with God seldom in vain; this I had to counterbalance my outward troubles, so that, as the Lord did bear down with one hand, He supported with the other. One time in F. I was, strongly en]ightenediii. the mystery oLthe Trinity; another night I was so taken up with the thoughts of the love of Christ, and refreshed, that I awakened the K whole winter night admiring Christ, and praying with suitable affection, and at other times would spend two or three hours in prayer. Likewise, at the same time, writing on the Scriptures, I received much light, clearness, and sweetness (we were then living in a burrows town). Several extraordinary visits would the Lord bestow on me, remembering my afflictions, by which I would oftentimes be carried above the world. I wrote at this time a complete treatise of afflictions and of conversion, as likewise finished a treatise concerning the Scriptures almost, and wrote several things on the attributes of God, and some other miscellanies, in which I was extraordinarily assisted, and with which I was very much benefitted; and although there was but one professor in the town, and he clothed with many weaknesses, yet did I find great advantage in his company, in praying together and conferring. I likewise remember this, that the Lord would be very kind to me (whilst others were at sermon on the Lord’s day) in private, and when others would revile me, and look down upon me, and taunt me, and vex me; so as, when friends looked aloof, the Lord would draw near; insomuch that I knew not when I profited more than now.

3. When we came home again, the Lord was no less kind to me, yea, exceeded; and I was daily admitted to nearer and nearer fellowship with Himself. And wherever I was, God was with me, and continued thus till October. (1) Writing several meditations did me much good, and speaking unto the family. (2) About this time did I begin to study faith and the covenant of grace. And one time, from Rom. v., and from the consideration of baptism, was I mightily strengthened in assurance and confidence, and “the joy of the Lord” did I find to be “my strength.” (3) Another time, setting some time apart one afternoon for examining my condition, though at first I was very indisposed, yet the Lord so shined and countenanced me, as that evidences were very clear, and I found undoubted marks of sanctification, with which I was so enlightened and refreshed, that in the strength thereof I walked many days. (4) I discovered a marvellous and great depth in the covenant of grace; I was much enlightened and strengthened in the extent, freedom, and excellency thereof. I saw it a very rational thing to believe, and among other considerations that did much strengthen me, this was one, that God required no other thing than to be content; so that, if I were content, I needed no doubt. And why do I mourn for want of Christ (said I), if I be not content? And I thought and supposed, and put it home to my own soul, if Christ would come down from heaven, and draw up such a covenant, wherein Himself and all things were promised, would I willingly subscribe this covenant? The Lord one night began to apply this very strongly and clearly. Why dost thou not this? It was “a night to be much remembered” for ever. After going to bed, in August, the Lord did so clear the covenant of grace, and by His Spirit made me (at first dull and weak) apply and consent, and feed upon these privileges as mine. Are all these things yours? quoth the Spirit, why dost thou not feed upon them? Why dost thou not “delight thyself in fatness?” Thou cornplainest of the want of life, strength, and comfort. Why dost thou not come to the fire, that thou mayest be warm? Here’s the Lord’s security for what thou wantest. If thou hadst thy friend’s security for money, thou wouldst be glad; and hast thou not the Lord’s in thy Bible? and may not heaven, Christ, and holiness, satisfy thee? And with this there came such a mighty gale of the Spirit that took away all my confusions, that made my soul apply Christ and all His benefits, answered all my objections so fully and clearly, and made me strongly to apply the promises; insomuch that I found Christ a sweet and satisfying thing; I found His flesh meat indeed, and His blood drink indeed; all fears were driven away; the Gospel privileges appeared exceeding sweet, so as I spent the whole night in prayer and praising and rejoicing, wishing now for the morning, that I might do mightily for the Lord. My very body was weakened with the abundance of the joy of faith, arising from a sense of an interest in God. I was likewise very evangelical in my actings, considering all actions as the Lord’s service, and myself and all things the Lord’s; walking in great peace and glorifying God, endeavouring to encourage others. I now began to think how to lay a baron the doors, to keep the Lord Jesus that He should not depart again. I thought the covenant of grace would be an everlasting foundation of peace; there was more sweetness found in duties than ordinarily, and more strength to glorify Him, and greater peace and serenity of mind, though my daily wanderings did continue, and I was not altogether fixed, a storm behoved to do that. Likewise at the same time I received much knowledge and comfort from Mr Goodwin’s works, especially in his “Growth of Grace,” which answered, as face doth to face, to the frame of my spirit. The Lord’s dealings with me now I have written largely elsewhere in my daily diary.

4. Six days after this was Satan let loose, and He brangled all my evidences and comforts. The grounds were, because I found not after some time the comfortable and satisfying sense of these things remaining upon my spirit; and, next, because it came not after deep humiliation and horrors; and, lastly, because many of my old sins continued, as likewise there were some apprehensions of wrath immediately darted upon my soul, which at first staggered me, and made me hang down the head as I used to do. But then I thought, it is childish with the first view of things to be cast down, and to be over credulous, and led like a child by my blind apprehensions. What know I but Satan may have a hand in this? I will therefore try this, and look ere I leap, and examine the matter ere I conclude any thing, and so resolved to ding out the bottom of it: and, therefore, I began to say unto my soul, “Why art thou cast down?”

And after inquiry I found the cause of my trouble to he doubting under the apprehensions of unsoundness, and that there was never a real work wrought upon my spirit. I further examined what ground was for this, and what made this continual struggle in my spirit, Gen. xxv. 22, and after search I found it to be, because at first there was not a clear humbling work continuing till the glorious revelation of Jesus to the soul. I proceeded to try what strength or truth was in this, and I found a falsehood in the objection, and grounded upon a mere imagination and allegeance, seeing by search I found out a substantial work of humiliation and preparation, though it did not agree in all circumstances with that work which hath been in others. I discovered this but darkly at first, but more clearly afterwards. I began to think why the Lord contended with me, and did seem to be angry. In prayer it was revealed to me that I might stand in awe, and fear, and not be so bold in sinning against Him, and to count sin a weighty matter, Exod. xx. 20. I lastly began to think what should be my present carriage, and I thought three or four things were very clearly and sweetly recommended to me: (1) Not to give over, or despair. (2) Not to murmur, or fret, or quarrel with God, but by quiet submission to yield unto Him, and keep silence before Him. (3) Not to quit duty, but ever in the use of means to wait on Him. (4) To be watchful against sin, and not to make my breach greater than it was. Through this exercise, and solid conclusion laid, much of the venom of my exercise was taken away, and Satan, finding me thus buckled, did leave me, and tempted no more. It ended, that in reading a comfortable, practical book, the Lord touched my affections, and drew me to Himself, and comforted me, and by the shining of the light of His countenance on my soul, all troubles evanished, and I was made at the same time to see, that I not only had grace, but there was sensible progress and growth in it.

5. There followed upon this a certain decay during the space of a year; this was about the end of 1664, and continued till the end of 1665, during which time I was usually, though not always, at home. Now, this decay was but from that height of spiritual joy, evangelicalness in working, and degrees in communion with God; there were more tentations, less peace within, and less progress made in the ways of God; so as I was made to live upon my old stock. Attempts, when any were made, were frustrate, and things which formerly relished had now no savour at all. It came hereby to pass, that much dumpishness was upon my spirit, and duties had no effect, so that I accounted the year 1665 an unfortunate year. God had so long not looked upon me that I thought I was clean forgotten. Yet, notwithstanding, all this time there was diligence in duties, and some visits, quickenings, and encouragements, and yet far below what I formerly received. Visitations were neither so great nor the impressions so lasting. The procuring causes of which were: (1) My going from home, where I had freedom from trouble, much company and comforts to take up my heart, as likewise my too great familiarity with a conformist, and delighting too much in his company, Prov. xiii. 20, whereby his company was cursed to me. (2) Sensuality when from home, and little minding of God. (3) There was much pride in despising of others, and thinking too much of myself and of my attainments, and something of a supercilious carriage; therefore did the Lord bring me low. (4) Evil company, and going to places where I had no call, which did much prejudice. I was all this time wrestling to get out of the pit, but was more engaged, conflicting with some horrors of darkness, writing several things of faith, on obedience, on Christ’s yoke, on diligence, on Christ and His offices, taking pains on the family; there was not much of the care of the world entrusted to me. I likewise was encouraging of others.

6. But God, that loved me once, did continue to love me to the end, and after many days visited me, so as I not only recovered my former health, but set further forward than ever I was, thus: (1) By opening the covenant of grace more clearly than ever, and how that Christ was the covenant of the people, and that all stood in Him, and fell 11 / in Him; and that He .only was the ground of their joy, hope, and confidence. And that God was first in the obligation of the covenant of grace, and that there was no tie on the creature, but the same the creature had on God. And I remember one time in private, the offer of Christ was made appear so real, clear, and full to me, and my duty of receiving so manifest, that I did very sensibly and really accept thereof, which I thought was Christ dwelling in the heart by faith. (2) At the same time I spoke in the family on the first eleven chapters to the Romans, and read Paul’s Epistles through; by which I discovered a new light of justification that I never perceived before, and of the law, and of the combat betwixt the flesh and spirit. (3) I received much strength from some private fasts I kept, to the number of three, or four, or five, never using that duty in vain. (4) About the same time in that month I had frequent occasions of converse with godly, able, and exercised Christians, some of them being in soul-trouble at the time, by which many meetings were kept, and therein something of God, whereby I was much bettered. Though in the meantime I found not the sensible effects of these occasions, yet did they me good insensibly. (5) I went to

being called thereunto, and helped with extraordinary prayer before, and there was assisted to encourage others and exhort, and was helped to shine in a gospel conversation. And here I was counselled to set up one other sail, for before I prayed but twice a day, I hear resolved to set some time apart at mid-day for this effect, and, obeying this, I found the effects to be wonderful. Here I began to learn patience and the nature of repentance, as likewise studied and exercised my former lessons of faith. (6) And there being a semiconformist there who was a little tricky, had carried in reference to the public times with a great deal of carnal wisdom, gravity, and piety, and so [was] in no little esteem, but then under a sad decay, which might easily be perceived by any discerning Christian; he pretended love for the people of God, but had secretly complied with the adversary, and besides did come to synods. I was of nature suspicious, and very easily found him out, and knowing he had conformed and juggled others, and finding him all out of order, the Lord did put it on me to hear him. I first spoke to him privately, then before two friends, and at last, with a great deal of reluctance, I refused to hear him; this was marked by others, and some esteem I had in the country did by these means break his esteem and credit in the country, so as, finding his estimation fallen while he kept the prelates’ courts, he was forced at last to forsake them. And the Lord abundantly rewarded this my witnessing for Him, for leaving the country and coming home, the Lord drew me so strongly to Himself as the neck of indispositions was broken, and I made to close fully and heartily with Christ and His work, esteeming it only glorious, so as my heart was never in a better frame, never more assurance and singleness of heart, never more strength to do or suffer for God, never more mortification to the world, and sweetness in the ways of God; and now was I fully resolved always and in all places to glorify Him. Thus was I in my height, in which time the mystery of the covenant of grace and of faith was more and more revealed to me, my spirit elevated to an higher measure of conformity to God’s will; my mistakes and objections were daily falling away as the scales from Paul’s eyes, and the signs of sanctification were piece and piece appearing, and I thought that ever since the time I acted faith formerly, my day was clearing, and the longer I travelled I found the way the heartsomer, and my light and glory increased beside what it was in the former days and in my wilderness condition. All this time outward troubles and wants continued, though the burden and weight and gnawings of this serpent were abated, only God stayed His rough wind; they lay on, but did neither increase nor trouble.

7. I only observe: (1) When all the world forsakes, then the Lord takes up; and the world’s time of loathing is His time of love. I found shelter from Him when forsaken of all. (2) It is “in Him the fatherless findeth mercy.” I had no friend but Him, Hos. xiv. 8. (3) It is ordinary with the members to be in distress when the body is unwell. Zion the mother was ill now, and in great distress; and no wonder I should have conformity with her. “Visit me with the gladness of Thy people.” (4) God’s way of manifesting His love in trouble is rather by supporting and comforting under trouble, than in delivering out of it. (5) Divine consolations and visitations. are a sufficient support under, and delivery out of trouble; for, though outward wants continued, yet the evil and sting of them was by the Lord’s kindness to my spirit perfectly removed, even as though I had not been afflicted. (6) Piety hath the “promises of this life and of that which is to come.” For I find, that as I turned to God, so He showed mercy outwardly to me, I got deliverances in my extremity; and besides, adversaries, though they were lying upon me, yet did no evil. (7) A Christian, life is not one constant course, but hath various changes in it, living and dying, rejoicing and sorrowing, growing and decaying. It is the wicked that “have no changes, and therefore fear not God.” And this is, that the manifold wisdom of God, and the various graces of His people, might appear; and to keep them unsettled here, that they might be in a constant watch. (8) It is not a vain thing to seek the Lord; for I never found but some extraordinary thing when I sought Him extraordinarily. (9) A Christian grows and decays as His faith grows and decays. (10) Meditation and study of the covenant of grace, the Gospel, Christ, and faith, I found a most profitable and mightily sanctifying thing. (11) To cast out with the world, and bear the reproach of Christ, is a mighty profitable thing; “He that shall so lose his life shall find it.” (12) God is never kinder than when I am under great loads. This is the great advantage of an afflicted condition, that the Lord pities most, and shows most kindness then. And the more of the world’s consolations, there is the less of Christ’s consolations; and, therefore, in this the evils of the world are prized above the good thereof. (13) God first learns to bear trouble, then delivers out* of trouble. God will ever keep His people, that they be not overwhelmed in trouble; and, when they can bear it, will at last show His power and good-will in delivering them out of it: for, after all this, I was not only upholden, but likewise delivered from my considerable vexations. (14) There is never perfection to a man; in his best, some sin, some want, some enemy is remaining, that will very quickly mingle itself in all the wines of the saints. Perfection is only in heaven; here we should rejoice with trembling, here is, therefore, perpetual sorrow and conflicting.

SECTION VI.

Of a third fiery trial I endured for ten week s space, and how supported and delivered.

There was nothing I remember had ever such influence to settle me as this last storm, which continued very bitter, violent and sharp during the space of ten weeks, in which my spirit was the most seriously exercised of any time I know; of which I shall speak but briefly, seeing I have it largely set down elsewhere. It was soul-trouble and disquietment I was under, with apprehensions of wrath, and violent tentations of Satan.

1. The grounds and occasions whereof were: (1) Considering grace to be so excellent a thing, as it is called the Divine Nature, I not seeing this glory so as to be amazed thereat, but, on the contrary, finding such wildness, concluded I wanted it. Where is the glory? said I. Are these prayers, affections, duties, and exercises, the Divine Nature; (2) In examining my evidences, I found objections against them, and none could bear water, or could at that time give me powerful, comfortable, demonstrative evidence. (3) I was pressed to some difficult duties, much contrary to my inclinations; which were, in a word, to take up arms against the world, and to reprove every man and woman, and be free with them anent their estates, and to make this my trade of life; and, because I could not comply with this, I apprehended I was not sincere, but in a natural condition, seeing I had not an universal respect to all God’s commands. (4) There were some seeming grounds that might make me think I was unconverted. In a word, the ground of all my trouble was, I was afraid I was yet in a natural condition, and so lost in my sins; and, if so, I knew not what course to take, nor did I think it probable I should ever come out of it, if I were yet in it.

2. My frame and condition was: (1) The terribleness of a natural condition was represented to me to the life; and no evil was so great as sin, especially a sinful nature; and, my evidences being blotted, it was so much the more terrible. (2) The Lord likewise as clothed with fury was represented to my soul. (3) The devil, getting leave, did most cruelly, tyrannically, and furiously batter my soul with objections tending to discourage me, and to create evil thoughts of God in me, and to make me believe that all this while I was living in an unconverted condition and delusion. (4) That which was not the least of my afflictions was, that I could not know my condition certainly. Oh how happy if I knew whether converted or unconverted! for then would I know what to do; but, living in this uncertainty, I am most miserable: for I had but apprehensions I was unconverted. (5) In examining of the causes why the Lord trysted me with this sudden and great storm, I thought there was none as to particular guilt, and I thought it drave at something else than punishment for particular faults. (6) My melancholy constitution, and want of company and employment, did much further my trouble, (7) There would be some calms and quietness of spirit for a great part of the day, by reading of the Scriptures especially; and Satan would cease for a while. (8) It was not with me as in other troubles: for, through grace, I was helped to make some head against Satan; I despaired not at all, nor did by any act of positive judgment conclude I would be damned; but only I saw hell, and sin, and the wrath of God; and the apprehension was terrible. Yea, there would be great attempts of faith sticking more close to God than ever, so that I never so strongly and sensibly believed; yea, I thought, as matters stood sometimes, it was impossible I should be cast off. And many times was my heart fixed, so that I was like a rock against whom all the billows in hell would dash, yet did my bow stand strong, and I never had such assurance of faith. (9) I had a deep impression of the things of God; a natural condition and sin appeared, and I felt it worse than hell itself; the world and vanities thereof terrible, and exceeding dangerous; it was fearful then to have ado with it, or to be rich. I saw its day coming; Scripture expressions were weighty; a Saviour was a big thing in my eyes; Christ’s agonies were then earnest with me, and I thought that all my days I was in a dream till now, or like a child in jest, and I thought the world was sleeping. O but I thought Shepherd and Rutherford spoke and wrote feelingly! Shame, trouble, and affliction, want and poverty, were sweet and secure. (10) Yet was I wearied of my life, and preferred strangling before it; my life was bitterness to me, and sorrow did consume me, so as there was a sensible influence on my body, and I looked like a man come from the grave; yet did none know my trouble. There was a great work to be wrought in me, and it was death to me to think to endure the power and working of God that should produce this effect, although I were little more than passive in it. (11) Duties of prayer and reading, only before I yoked with them, were a terror, and to go in private with this dead heart seemed hell itself; though, when I was engaged, they were sweet. The night was sweet, because I had some rest; but the morning was as the shadow of death, because I was to conflict. I would even have been content to have lain still perpetually, my spirits were so overfoughten. (12) The devil rested not in the meantime violently and unseasonably to press some strict duties, seeking to undo body and spirit at once, driving furiously as Jehu did.

3. The manner how the Lord supported me, and did me good, and at last delivered me out of this, was by these means: is/, By making me considerate; for, at the first assault, the end of which was to persuade me I was unconverted, this assertion was so strongly and violently threaped upon me, that ere I knew I was dung on my back, and my soul burdened and oppressed, ere I knew how or why. When, therefore, I found these weights, and my spirit overwhelmed, and the clouds up, I remembered David’s words, “Why art thou cast down, O my soul?” So said I, What is this? and why is it thus with me? shall I continually live in an implicit faith, or on my own apprehensions? and shall I be condemned, and live miserably, and never know why? Let us think and consider on this matter; there may some mystery lie at the bottom. Come, therefore, my soul, let us see what is it that ails thee. Well, I see thou art troubled, and spiritually troubled, and for a spiritual cause; now, what is this spiritual cause? Because I found it was a suspicion that I was yet in a natural condition, and a stranger to Christ. Now*, what grounds have we for this? and let us see what is to be done, and hear patiently all assertions and threaps; let this rain fall to the ground, and then fall thou to exercise. Hereupon my spirit became composed and considerate; and, having the use and exercise of my reason, it did much advantage to me, and made me that I was not like a child driven hither and thither: I was, therefore, content to ding the bottom out of this, and to examine it to the full, idly, I thought it expedient for settling of myselfTand keeping my ground unshaken by the batteries of tentations, to lay down some practical conclusions, to which I would ever stick, and always follow, whatever came; which did me much good, and I did draw them from Christ’s agonies. (1) To continue praying still, and looking up to God, and never to give over duties; obey still, come what will. (2) Never despair, but always trust and depend, and keep up an interest in God. (3) Be humble and submissive; “Not my will but thine be done.” Resign yourself to God in this exercise; take not the tutory of thyself in this hazardous sea upon you; let Him quicken, deaden, wound, and comfort as He pleases. I cannot express what advantage I found by this. $dfy, Means was, By being kept by the power of God in the use of all means, of praying, and reading the Scriptures, and meditating, whatever tentations I had to the contrary. And though at first I saw little comfort in these duties, but said, as those Israelites of Saul, Will these duties save me from my spiritual enemies? yet by practising I ever found strength and comfort by them, especially Scripture, in which I found an unusual weight and sweetness. thly, The Lord would suggest some seasonable and calming word into my soul, such as this, “It is good for a man to hope, and quietly to wait for the salvation of God;” then it is not good to be discouraged nor casten down, $thly I was made to understand that the spirit of bondage in itself was not good, from these words, “Perfect love casteth out fear.” This I knew not before, and therefore I ever desired a law-work, and durst never meddle with consolations till I had found the law-work; and now, if my terrors and tentations had ceased, I would grieve for that intermission, as though I had lost some precious thing. And this made me more submissive to the Lord’s way of guiding me in my exercises, as likewise more freely to use consolations, and to seek recovery out of my present bondage; yea, I found that these terrors and fears did me evil in their own nature, though the Lord, I found, did accidentally bring good out of them. 6thly, The Lord made me one day understand, Satan had a great hand in my

trouble, especially in labouring to create evil thoughts of God in my soul, in tempting me to despair and give over, and discouraging me, and making me think I should never be better; in a violent unseasonable pressing of duties. And hence I reasoned, If these fears proceed from Satan, why should I entertain them? Can any truth or good proceed from him? This made me suspect all was suggested to me tending to fear, and more rationally to ponder what was represented, jt/ify, I fell seriously and diligently to examine this whole matter. I considered the nature of my exercise and trouble, the grounds of it, and the weight of objections; as likewise I fell upon examination of my state, I laid down my conclusions and rules, I set down my objections against my sincerity, I pondered them by the line of Scripture, and answered them; I did likewise according to Scripture judge of the marks I had of my own sincerity, and examined what might be said; I compared my state with the rule and with saints; and in the conclusion I found a marvellous light of God’s Spirit, through the word, shining on my soul, and I found that according to the Scripture I was converted, and that the names, qualities, practices, and exercises of saints did agree with me; yea, I found something in me wherein I went beyond any hypocrite, though I was the least of saints. I did utterly cast aside all marks that I had read in practical books, and did examine them by Scripture; and I found the most part of them unsound and not well cautioned, and some not altogether false, but inconsiderately expressed, and the reader very apt to mistake. As likewise there was discovered, through this examination, many of mine own mistakes in the nature of sanctification. Oh, what need is there of wisdom and light from above, in giving of marks! and what a great sin is it, either to write or speak marks at random? It is true what Shepherd saith, “We have need of a special spirit here.” This cost me many weeks’ exercise, and some years before this too; but the most sensible and effectual discovery of myself was now. O the benefit of consideration and a deliberate judgment! 8//$/y, God, by a strong hand, humbled me, and made me submis-

138 Memoirs of tKe

sive, from a sense and sight of the Lord’s sovereignty, wisdom, and eternal holiness, and from a sense of my own wildness (“Good is the will of the Lord”), so as I was made silent before God; which silence did much abate the boisterousness of this storm, so that my heart was kept calm and made to comply writh dispensations; so as I said from my heart, My will is evil, and God is good; and better He have His will, than I that am sinful; He cannot do ill or wrong. And for this cause I did draw up some considerations to submission, which then were sensibly prevalent with me, and by considering of which I would usually allay the raisings of my heart when they would appear. qthly I did likewise consider on some comfortable consolations and considerations tending to hope and encouragement, which I drew up, and would usually comfort my soul with them in my dark hours and dumpish fits, and did find my labour ordinarily not in vain; though sometimes nothing would do but the immediate hand of God, “that I might know man liveth not by bread, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” iothl) As likewise, in respect I found great indispositions and unwillingness to duties, and discouragements thereto, I drew up several considerations and motives to stir me up thereto, which in my fits of sloth I would use to awaken my soul, and would usually find them effectual, nthly, In examining that difficult duty of reproving, and considering it seriously, the Lord showed much light and comfort, both in the nature of the duty, and how to go about it; wherein Satan had a hand in pressing it; and that my unwillingness thereto did proceed not from infirmity; and that my omission was not in the substance of the duty, but in the manner and degree of freedom, boldness, and compassion, and did proceed from ignorance and unbelief, nthfy, I found likewise much mercy, good-will, tenderness, and care of Christ towards me in this present exercise; and much good did it to me, so that the storm was now much over. Y^thly, But that which did me most good was, a more full discovery of the covenant of grace, meditations of the Gospel, of Christ’s gentle nature, as likewise some particular promises that were by the operation of the Spirit very clearly applied; among which these were the chief, 1 Tim. i. 15, “This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation.” O what of life and sweetness was discovered in that one word one evening after supper, John iii. 17, “God sent not His son to condemn the world!” And that word, Psal. lxv. 5, God is the “confidence of all the ends of the earth;’’ and He “justifies the ungodly.” “They that know Thee will put their trust in Thee.” “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” “Christ is the end of the law for righteousness.” And that Scripture, 1 Cor. i. 30, “God hath made Christ wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption.’ And that in John xv. 16, “Ye have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you.” From which these truths were made clear to me: (1) That nothing in man is the first ground of hope or despair. (2) That the wholeground of our hopes is in Christ alone. (3) That sinners have right to absolute promises; or the first ground of faith is an absolute promise. Christ is not a person with whom they have nothing ado, but is their hope and salvation; and these promises are sayings, though absolute, to lay hold on for acceptation. (4) That Christ’s relation is to men as sinners, and not as to whole or righteous: “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” It is with sinners Christ hath ado, and not to condemn them but to give them life; and, when they cannot come to Him for life, to seek them. The fathers must lay up for the children, and not they for the parents.

(5) Such is the nature of Christ, that He only came to show mercy, hath no wrath or law, came not to condemn: “Fury is not in me.” And that it is as unreasonable to expect condemnation from Christ, as to expect cold water from fire; and, therefore, whosoever knows Him cannot but believe in Him: and that there is nothing in Christ but what is matter of joy and comfort. (6) All salvation depends on Christ’s good-will only, and everything relating thereto, all which is made ours. (7) That God Himself is the drawer up of the sinner’s security for heaven and blessedness; Christ is “made of God, wisdom, righteousness,” etc.; “I have given Him for a covenant to the people.” (8) That the Lord bestows this right freely and absolutely, which free promise is the ground of faith, and not the purchase of faith. (9) That nothing damns but unbelief, in not pressing the Lord with these promises, all which are comprehended in that one word, “This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ came to save sinners.” Here now was I fixed on a rock that was able to bide all storms. Is Christ then the ground of all my hopes? and do my hopes depend wholly on Him? and have I a promise that all will be well? and is this promise that to which I must take myself? and is this promise given freely of God? Surely then, though I see nothing in myself but what is matter of grief, sorrow, and despair, yet here is matter of hope; I cannot misbelieve, unless I reflect on Christ. Shall I misdoubt Him, who is all mercy and no wrath, who came not at all to damn, whose offices and relations are all good? These and the like did quiet me, knowing that all my happiness was freely secured in Christ Jesus alone, in whom I was complete; yea, I found the great end of this storm was to draw me off myself, to live in and to depend wholly on Christ for strength, justification, and comfort. xqthly My natural melancholy was cured by divertisements; for I had a call to go elsewhere, where employment and godly company did me much good as to the refreshing of my spirit. And thus by these means was the storm gradually allayed; the best trial for me I ever endured.

4. The ends of which dispensations were: (1) To try, exercise, and strengthen my faith, which was never so lively exercised, nor did ever endure such a conflict, nor ever had such sure footing; for by considering the Gospel, though it were granted I was never converted, yet sure I am I ought to come to Christ, and look up to Him, and expect from

Him, and be of good cheer, seeing God is the “confidence of all the ends of the earth.” And my consolation must be as solid and strong as the ground thereof, so that with this shield I abide all darts, this answereth all objections, this is “the Rock higher than I.” (2) To make me a little more serious, and to have a deeper and weightier apprehension of the things of God; for the truth is, till this time I looked on myself, and the most part of professors, to be but in jest with their religion; and I bless the Lord, some of these impressions remain still. (3) To discover to me the evil of the world, of the pleasures, profit, and honour thereof; and to bring my soul to a compliance with the cross of Christ, as that whereon most security and quietness is to be found: “He that loseth his life shall find it.” The world is an evil, and only evil, the great bar that hinders from Christ; it is loadened with sin, full of danger, and enmity to God; it is Christ’s competitor, rival, and enemy. And this was not only discovered in me, but the aversion and fear of the world was in some measure wrought in me. (4) To acquaint me with Satan’s devices, whereby he hinders the work of salvation, the many sophisms and mistakes of my own heart in the nature of sanctification; it made me search more narrowly into many things than ever I did. (5) To make me esteem the Scriptures, and walk more closely by them in all my ways; for they only speak aright of God, of dispensations; they are the foundation of hope and faith, and we must judge of things according as they are represented in Scripture, and not by reason or fancy. (6) To stir me up to be more profitable to others, which was a great challenge now, and the neglect of it a heavy burden; and the duty itself was much pressed at this time. (7) To live off myself and sense, on the Lord Jesus alone; and not on Him as felt, but on Him as given in His word and promise: and not on any thing of Him to be given here, but what we are to receive in heaven. The conclusion was this, My grace is sufficient: “When I am weak, then am I strong;” and here is rest and life. And by this storm, and the conclusions I then laid, I became more settled, and less shaken with tentations; and this did much establish me in faith, patience, humility, and duty.

5. I will conclude with a few observations: (1) Soul-trouble hath sometimes a sweetness in it, for, considering this was the hand of God, I laid myself flat under it. Now, Lord, let me never out of this furnace till my dross go away. (2) I found soul-trouble not good in itself but evil, and that it produces much weakness and aversion from duty. (3) When God is angry, every thing is terrible. Duties, meat, drink, and company, had a hell stamped upon them, and a little loss, having wrath stamped on it, is a world of evil. (4) The world is a dangerous thing and a great evil, and the comforts of it a hell. It is good to be continually afflicted here; “In the world ye shall have tribulation.” Most of my exercise did drive at this. (5) Whatever our exercise or tentations be, it is profitable to pray and continue in the means. (6) It is good to be considerate, and not to be rash in closing with apprehensions and suggestions. (7) It is a sad affliction to an exercised soul to want good company, and evil carnal company is a hell itself. (8) Soul-trouble hath its time; it is not always alike violent, but I find sometimes a calm, and at other times it comes in stounds and fits; the evil hour. (9) We should not murmur that the Lord doth not lead us according to our minds; but, in exercises especially, we should let the Lord guide us as best seems Him, and a patient surrender of ourselves doth much good. (10) There may be many sweet hours and little deliverances in a soul exercise ere all be done. I was many times caught up to heaven, but anon plunged to hell. (11) The best mean of settlement is to live by faith in Jesus Christ alone, and to live at a distance from the world. (12) A soul may have many enemies to wrestle with in one soul-trouble, but he hath not the same one to wrestle always with. Sometimes he hath the wrath of God, sometimes an evil heart; and the soul should continually conflict with one of these at once, according as they invade him. (13) No soul-trouble will cure all evils perfectly; they but help in part. (14) The great end of such trials is to exercise faith, and to waken people, and to make them more serious. Many other things might be observed. This befell me when I was twenty-seven years of age, in November and December 1665.

SECTION VII.

Of what befell me thereafter.

1. Notwithstanding of this furnace, yet, when I was out of it, I found much dross. For (1) I was grievously oppressed with a spirit of sloth and indisposition to all manner of duties. (2) There was a legal spirit that made me act in fear, and not in love or in faith to be accepted, which did represent God as a judge, and that He had evil ends in desiring obedience, whereby there was much forced work. (3) A kind of aversion and strangeness to God and heaven, not having such intimate and loving thoughts of Him, and withal a loatheness to go to heaven as a strange place. (4) Likewise I found a strong league with the world, and the power of it considerable and strong, which hath cost me until this day much conflict and hard work. (5) My deadness and ignorance remained and grew upon me, so that I was dark in my conceiving, and untender in my apprehensions; so that several errors in my conversation were vented, such as idle words, vain thoughts, excess in the use of lawful comforts, pride in thought and speech, departing from God.

2. Yet did some of my dross go away with this furnace; and blessed be the Lord that made this trial profitable to me. For (1) I was more diligent in doing good to others than formerly, and therefore would be oftentimes minding the poor and ignorant in private, praying for them, thinking of the way to do them good, and stirring up my soul thereunto. And as there were some thoughts of this in private, so there was outward and practical effecting of this. I would go to their houses, instruct and exhort them, and pray in their houses, and occasionally instruct them and others whom I met (though of late I have been more remiss in this), and thereby found much good to myself, and my gifts in this increased. (2) I was more strict and tender in my conversation than formerly, and durst not take such liberty, and therefore cried out against that looseness and wantonness that I saw but too common. (3) I was by this made more acquainted with spiritual exercises of the Lord’s method and of Satan’s devices, with the nature of sanctification, and the many mistakes anent it. A great deal of my mists and confusions were hereby blown away, and many hid things of darkness brought to light. I understood by this much Scripture better than formerly. (4) My spirit was made more serious, and the matters of salvation and common truths more deeply engraven, and made more weighty to me. I saw another sight, and had another manner of feeling of sin, wrath, heaven, and hell; I prized Christ and grace more; I feared sin, Satan, and hell more. Truths were more lively and sensible upon my spirit; the matters of God’s law appeared great by this. (5) I found my spirit more settled and established on Christ, and less liable to shakings and tentations, so that I have lived as to assurance and faith of my interest, and of Christ’s love, from that day to this, more secure than ever, being (as I conceived) better rooted, and having stronger foundations than before, and better acquaint with the exercise of faith. (6) I found my spirit by this more meekened and tamed, and less hasty, the violent bitter quality taken away, and I, as it were, broken and ploughed, and so more inured to the yoke, so as nothing came wrong. I understand now something of Christian patience, am less amazed with disappointments, and more submissive, quiet, and silent. (7) The world appeared vain, terrible, and bitter; and the evil thereof prized more than the good thereof; and the yoke, cross, and reproach of Christ more lovely. (8) More diligent in private duties of reading, meditation, and prayer, set to conflict with sin more strongly. And some impressions of this yet remain.

3. As for my exercise and progress of life (1) After my inward terrors as to their power were removed, some degrees remained, that would at some times overwhelm my heart, but did not last. (2) I was smitten in my body thereafter with a painful boil under my oxter, with which I had been threatened some years before, which, with the pain thereof, did at first cast me into a fever, and my breath was stopped by the oppression of the spirits, which made me have some impressions of death. During which time, Satan was let out again, and was most violent in his tentations; and my heart was so casten down, that one afternoon, being to draw in the Lord’s yoke, there was such faintness, weakness, and aversion to duty, that I thought I should never endure it, and was not far from casting it off altogether; but God pitied the anguish of my soul, and did break these spiritual bonds, and put my heart in frame. During this sickness He miraculously allayed the pain of my boil, and speedily, and that without means, cured it; for, however, I bought some things to prevent it, yet, looking on it as a punishment from God, I knew not if I could be free to take the rod out of His hand, and to counterwork Him. And, indeed, I lost nothing by this, for, coming and giving my cheeks to this smiter, my chastisement was very gentle, and of short continuance, so as I was helped to continue in duties; and when the boil brake, I resolved to go more mightily and diligently about the Lord’s work than ever. I by this means prized health more. (2) Made more diligent in duties, had a conflict with death, I found it easy to leave the world. Yet was both Christ and heaven strange, and so had not such desires to be with Him, nor longing, because I was not a good servant, had not my work done, nor walked so closely with Him. (3) The Lord one day

146 Memoirs of tJie

represented the evil of the world to me. This was my first exercise. This was in February 1666. In March and April I continued in a wrestling condition, and was sometimes in M., sometimes at home, and I lay groaning under and fighting with my indispositions to duties. Strange thoughts of God and spirit of bondage in my actings, with some terrors, which could not continue long. (3) In summer, thereafter, the hardness of my heart began to mollify, and my bonds broke on a Sabbath-day’s afternoon, while others were at church, and I stayed at home. “I called to mind the days of old,” and some of the Lord’s ways with me, which opened the doors of my soul, and love quickened in longing after Him, and grieving for His absence and for my ways, which disposition continued and strengthened me. (4) Thereafter I was put to learn a new exercise, which was, to observe providences, and to consider the ends of God’s particular and general providences, the ends of afflictions, of sins, of backslidings, of indispositions, and to remark some steps of love in them, which did me much good. He did let me see much love in dispensations, enlightened me in my duties, kept me from wrong constructions, and did much establish and comfort me. (5) Being to quit our chief dwelling and lands, according to my transaction three years ago, and some mistakes betwixt me and relations falling out, I stayed alone, and went to another contiguous shire, where were some lively Christians and my very dear friends, with whom I spent time profitably, edifying and building up one another. There I resolved to set up extraordinary days of humiliation again, and so effectually that a glory was seen in the ways of God and of His people which I saw not before, and love to Christ advanced. (6) After I came home I set up humiliation-days, and made it my exercise to conflict with and overcome the world, to close fully and wholly with Christ, to glorify Him with all my heart, and Him only. But it would not do, notwithstanding of some violent attempts I made; whence terrors issued, yet not altogether in vain, because hunger was increased, as likewise knowledge. (7) About the middle of harvest, through meditation on the Law and the Gospel and the easy yoke of Christ, the spirit of bondage and legal actings begun to be cast out, and I in my acting was helped to be more willing and less constrained, doing things more evangelically and freely, and by which I found greater strength to serve Christ. And I found that word of the Israelites to Rehoboam true in me to Christ, “Make my yoke easier, and I will serve Thee,” and the easiness of this yoke to be the great motive He presseth us with to draw in it: That the Lord doth accept little off our hands, and will Himself help. This, with the consideration of the ends of God’s requiring duties, did much strengthen me in them, and discovered much of Christ’s love, and made His yoke easy and lovely. (8) About winter thereafter, I found my heart warming to Christ, and the aversion to Him wearing off, through rubbing over in my memory some steps of the Lord’s providences and dealings towards me. And there my eyes were first opened to see an infinite fountain of consolation and love which before was hid to me; there I remembered all the pains the Lord took in preparing me for Himself, how much He suffered at my hands, all the care He had of me in my wilderness condition; how He humbled me, convinced me, and how many times His visitations did uphold my spirit. Then did I see love in all the tract of the Lord’s dealings with me, God in all this pursuing me constantly with loving-kindness. (9) I found likewise my aversion to heaven wearing away, and that any apprehensions I had of this kind did proceed from a mistake: for one day, as I was praying, and

earnestly desiring after communion with Christ and more conformity to God’s image, and mourning for my want of this, it was suggested to me, Why dost thou complain of thy great aversion to heaven? for what is heaven but enjoyment of Christ and perfect holiness? therefore, in prizing the one I prize the other. And from this it proceeded that I longed to be in heaven. Shall I think ill, said I, to be with Him, in whose company I only find peace and quietness? who hath with His visitations so often refreshed my spirit, without whom I can do nothing, and without whom I am hell itself; who hath been seeking me so passionately, and whom I have so many days been seeking? (10) About the same time likewise I was convinced of a great sin of unthankfulness, the evil and sinfulness of which was discovered, and desires to abound in this grace of thankfulness, which was thus occasioned. I found some others that had outgone me far in love and gratitude, speaking much of Chist’s love and kindness to them, and what they were meeting with, and how much they made of small visits. Oh, ungrateful wretch (said I to myself), thou art oftentimes meeting with quickening consolations and visitations, by which thy dying life is preserved, and yet take no notice of it, and, like Haman, ye say, “What is all this to me?” Not one thankful acknowledgment for all this, nor one loving word spoken in commendation of Christ for all this. I judged quickenings and visitations of this kind but common, and ordinary, and small, because I saw not Christ in great fulgor and glory. That which after some time did heal this evil in my soul was, considering that though those things in themselves were but mean, yet they were not the effects of my own pains and endeavours, who without Christ can do nothing; but were the breathings and gifts of God’s Spirit, and therefore, in respect they are from Him, to be infinitely prized; yea, the purchase of Christ’s blood, and a pledge and testimony of the Lord’s kindness, and therefore to be received, and I am not to look to the gift but the giver. The least of favours and tokens from a prince is highly valued. And this did help me to thankfulness, and I did set a value upon mercies. (11) I was at this time pressed vehemently to close walking, to an entire, cordial, and full resignation of myself to God, to keep distance with the world, to be for the Lord and Him only, and for none other; and was made sensible of one point of loose walking, that I did not endeavour to observe the Lord’s providences, and that I did not walk in His counsel and depend on Him, acknowledging Him in all my ways. And this the Lord likewise helped. (12) I began a little afterwards to study patience; I got this lesson in my hand, and made some small progress therein: Patience I thought and took up under the notion of the soul’s invincible going on in duties, notwithstanding of all evils; when a man keeps his place and ground, and stands out like a rock, not amazed with any amazement, not discouraged nor rankled, not fainting, not giving over, but continuing in a constant frame of spirit. What I sought not I learned, and what I sought I got not. God answered my prayers, though not in my way, and showed He accepted them; He led me in His way to heaven, and not in mine. (13) At last, that the warning I got five years since in the South might be fulfilled of the bonds and afflictions that were abiding me, I was taken with caption for a debt which I had paid. Only my trustee and near relation, who received the money from me to be given to my creditor, did knavishly apply it to his own use; for which, I, not paying it, was taken and kept three days in a chamber, till course was taken with it; which occasioned my going South, where I continued much of two years,

sometimes in the South, and sometimes in the North. My condition during this time was a wrestling condition with the sons of Zeruiah that were too strong for me; little or no overcoming, yet violent wrestling. Some work I got done: I wrote aTreatise ofjaith, of the Covenant of Grace; I wrote a Treatise of forty sheets of paper, on several subjects useful for the times; I wrote also a Treatise against hearing the curates; as likewise, I wrote this Book of my Life, in which I found marvellous assistance, and found it a blessed mean to warm my heart with love to Christ, to see through many intricacies of my life which were before as a mist to me, and did tend much to my settling. As likewise, the Lord blessed my fellowship so to the South country professors, that severals of them were awakened; and generally my conversation was edifying, and was someway shining, so that I received much honour thereby; and while I honoured God, the Lord honoured me. I kept Christian fellowship with them, prayed with and exhorted them, which was not in vain, especially in Edinburgh, where I sometimes spake four times in a week. The scope of my discourses was in exalting holiness; against a slight work of grace; against looseness and laxness; against formality; against sloth and unprofitableness, and pressing them to be doing good; against discouragements and unbelief, and pressing to believe; as likewise, against complying with the prelates and curates, studying to render them as odious as I could, and my pains were not in vain.

4. Lastly, It pleased the Lord by degrees likewise to look favourably on my outward condition, and did piece and piece deliver me from my afflictions and vexatious debts and wants, and now hath in some measure exalted mine head, and given me by strange providences what He had taken from me. For I humbled myself under the sense of the calamities of our family, and my own particular wants; I besought Him to keep us from utter destruction. And the Lord was pleased to hear; He destroyed by death my chief adversaries, I found shifts to pay my many petty debts, gained our law-action, and was restored to some of my ancient possessions again; though I be miserably undone and vexed with multiplicity of business and evil neighbours, as likewise I am under the guilt of many broken vows, and find much prejudice by the smiles of the world, and less kindness from the Lord, because I stand less in need of it now. Thus have I briefly run over the most memorable circumstances in all my life until this time, being now thirty years of age and unmarried. I have been the more brief in what concerns these last six years, in respect I have them at more length contained in my daily diaries, and because I purpose to come over several things touching my natural condition and state, my exercises, tentations, evils, duties, and course of life, in the next chapter, to which I shall refer any thing of this nature*