Of My Recovery

Section I.

Of the first several Steps, and ma?mer thereof.

THE Lord did not raise me all at once out of my backslidden condition, nor without interruption (as might be thought), but very leisurely, and through many ups and downs. The seed was sown, and it grew; and I ate and drank, and knew not how. The spring was small in the beginning, scarce discernible. I looked, indeed for the kingdom of heaven to come with observation, but it came not so; and as it was sown with little din and noise, so did it grow up quietly, and had many interruptions and winters, going backward and forward like the filling sea, some wave gained ground, and some succeeding lost and abated, but a new overflowing regained all again. There would come a wave of the Spirit that would overflow largely, but after that a little ebb; and then, when I little expected, there would come a wave that would set me as far forward as ever again: and then a little decay, and then a recovery, so as for a long time I was tossed up and down like a locust, wearied of myself, and of my life, and righteousness, and enlargements of heart, and of all these glories. I was after humiliation of heart, by a strong yet quiet hand, at the command of God, with little din made to believe and rest on Christ, so as I had never done the same before; and in process of time to become assured, and so come to see myself in a good estate, and to have come off my way, and the Lord to have almost perfected His work, ere I had thought He had well begun. Nor all this time did I know what the Lord was doing until of late; but thinking I was minting to enter in at the strait gate, and “ever learning, and never able to attain to the knowledge of the truth.” ilnd now I see that all this time the Lord carried me as an eagle doth her young ones, Duet, xxxii. 10, 11, 12. And when the Lord was leaving, and His work going back in mine eyes, yet was it going forward. The way and steps of this my recovery were:

1. Step I. — After I had long departed from God, and so gone far away, the Lord made me unsatisfied with and weary of my present condition; and even in this laughing madness was my heart sorrowful. And when in midst of my jollity, if at any time I would think on my former estate, I would say, Oh what a sad condition am I in now! Oh the days of old! “Oh that it were with me as in months past!” Oh that I were under Christ’s terrors again! His glooms and boasts were better than this at best, Hos. ii. 7, “better when with the first husband.” I remembered whence I had fallen, and this dung out the bottom of my carnal contentments.

2. Step II. — -I had thoughts to return to my first husband, but was beaten from this with the apprehensions that it was not time; and hence it became a great case to me, whether the Lord may assault a soul with a spirit of conviction, and leave it, and come again? Rutherford had a terrible word, which haunted me like a ghost, viz., “A man is saved in the nick of conversion, or else eternally, lost.” Sometimes I thought I was judicially hardened, and my time gone; but the Lord did take the thorn away, and made me hope, by casting a book in my hand which did write of compunction; and he states the case, viz., “Whether a man once under convictions, and these dying without fruit, can be again converted?” He determined it affirmatively, with such reasons as then convinced me, so as I resolved to set up shop again, and try it, Ezra x. 2, 3, though I found therein a great difficulty.

3. Step III. — Was the setting about the means, with prayer, reading, and meditation. I rested not in bare fruitless wishings and hopes, but I was helped to set myself to seek the Lord, and set up shop again, though with some difficulty; the irons were rusted. I continued praying morning and evening for some time, and meditating, and preparing my heart, notwithstanding all my discouragements, and indispositions, and little success; for my heart continued hard, dead, and blind, and conversation carnal, and duties were a burden to me.

4. Step IV. — Having for some twenty days prayed, mourned, and complained, and not finding any life, but my deadness increasing, and hearing no word of Christ, I began to have suspicions that sentence was indeed past against me, and that I was sealed under the plague of an hard heart, and that Christ had given over; and was tempted to cast aside duties as vain. And then I said, Oh poor soul! thou wilt never get so much as a tender heart again, nor so much as once to pour out this thy soul to God ere thou die. While I was thus exercised, the Lord was pleased to let me again taste some of the sweetness of duties; for one time I went in the multitude of my thoughts to the Lord in prayer, and it pleased the Spirit to blow, and to open my heart, so as I prayed with abundance of tears and great liberty and I found much sweetness in the work. Now, although I was not satisfied with this, yet I was comforted, in that it was a proof to me that the Lord had not quite forsaken me, and that after this there would come better.

5. Step V. — I began then to fall more closely to work, and to put other sails on, and more irons in the fire; for then did I write diaries, make vows and covenants, and to fall to the work of self-examination, and to write some infant notions of practical divinity, and my meditations on several texts, which did me good, and at first helped me forward, and suited me well.

6. Step VI. — The Lord by duties wearied me with them, and mortified me to my self-righteousness, and did with labour bring down my heart. 1st, He discovered unto me and let me feel the evil and power of my heart. Then did I groan under the burden of a dead, blind, and carnal heart, and the body of death was my great exercise, and heart-ills, especially hardness of heart. And thus more sensibly than ever I was wearied and burdened with my heart, though not in horror. 2dly, The Lord let me see the sinfulness of all my duties and best actions; the formality, lifelessness, and corrupt principles whence they proceeded, and my great shortcomings, so as I knew these were not my Saviours, and turned mine eyes from them. 3*//y, I was wearied and loadened with myself, my sins, and duties, trailed through various dispensations, and burdened with feckless labour. I saw I could not put my heart in a frame, nor keep my heart in a frame when it was in it, but still did break my resolutions. My duties, they yielded neither peace nor satisfaction, nor did they mortify sin; for I was but rowing against the stream, and after a long time worse in my own conceit than before. I was dying sometimes, and living again; when like to die, the Lord would look upon me, and put it in my heart to seek Him, and would send down influences, and enlarge my soul with love and desires after Himself, and sorrow for sin, and new resolutions; and this would quicken me for a while, and make me hope and seek the Lord. And then again the Lord would depart, and my soul would be overclouded, and I would turn un watchful, and fall to my ordinary sins, and depart from the Lord, and sin in words. And with this I was vexed, because my resolutions were broken; and I was discouraged, and despaired ever to come up; and was weakened, thinking, how shall I look the Lord in the face? What security can I now give Him for my behaviour? Until at last that no frame or duty could give me comfort at all. And, when my heart was enlarged, I said, I have enough of delusions, let me alone. Yet, whilst thus discouraged, not knowing what to do, and unable to think of what might do me good, God would shine in upon my soul; and among a hundred visits of this kind He gave me, and by which He many times restored my dying-out heart to life, He was pleased still to come out and create a new thing, some new ground, and the floods would still increase. How often have I said, Now, sure the Lord will come, and will not tarry; now I shall keep fast what I have. But I was deceived; “All flesh is grass, and the glory thereof with ere th.” I have said sometimes in my extremity, Now, what is it that can quicken me? Surely I can never recover out of this, though God should open windows in heaven. Then would the Lord show His power and condescendence, and would quicken me and put away my fears, and make me look cheerful, and cause me to put on new resolutions. In a word, I was thus wearied and burdened in a wilderness for the space of three full years, and poured from vessel to vessel.

7. Step VII. — When all failed, and that I was at the point of dying, the Lord would send some extraordinary thing, some fit word, some good book, that would quicken me and strengthen me sometimes to spend half nights in prayer. Sometimes, meeting with other Christians, the Lord would rain some seasonable word; and nothing did me more good than stories relating to God’s dealings with others. Likewise, being in the South, the Lord trysted me with a powerful New Testament ministry, which did keep in my dying life, and greatly encouraged me; many a time was my swooning life revived, and I brought from the gates of death. Yet these waterings insensibly sanctified me more and more both in heart and conversation, and made heavenly things relish with my soul; and by them I was made more capable to receive the Lord, and my eyes therewith kept waking. And this I look upon as my wilder, ness condition.

8. Step VIII. — The Lord having fully wearied me with my sins, heart, duties and enlargements, and poured me from vessel to vessel: and looking for help in and from another, he did next humble me. For after all this there remained a pride of heart, which kythed not in the estimation I had of my self-righteousness, but in the frowardness of my will, which would not submit to such searchings, but secretly fretted and murmured, like these, Prow xix. 3. I thought God made it all His work to cross me, and hence was disquieted with falls, and not kindly humbled; and withal, some murmuring at the Lord’s delays. For one day reading on the Sabbath afternoon on Shepherd’s “Sound Believer,” after I had come very unprofitably from sermon, and withal discouraged, being August 1660; the place I read on was of the nature of humiliation, and how the Lord works it in His elect (by convincing the soul of the equity of God’s proceeding with it, and thereby the soul is made quietly and willingly to bear what the Lord pleaseth to determine anent it, without repining or murmuring), in reading of which, and of His motives and reasons of submission, the Lord opened my eyes, and bowed my heart, so as I saw his equity in His dealing towards me, and complied in my will and affections to His dealings, submitting myself to Him without quarrelling or murmuring, in another way and manner than ever I did before, imo, I saw clearly and rationally the Lord’s equity, and absolute dominion He hath over all, to do with them as He pleaseth; and that He did nothing with me but what was fitting, Lam. i. 18; Dan. ix. 7; Jer. xii. 1. The murmurings and swellings of my heart were quieted and calmed; I was no more like the raging sea, but in a calm and quiet frame, like one newly cooled out of a raging fever, Lam. iii. 28; Lev. x. 3; Psal. xxxix. 9. I disputed now no more against God or His proceedings. 2do, My heart, even my affections, were made to comply with my present dispensations; I did willingly bear the yoke, Mich. vii. 9; Lam. iii. 28; so that I was satisfied with whatever came to pass; “It is the Lord,” etc.

3tio, I did put myself in His will, to do to me as it seemed good; so as, if He put me in hell, I should not murmur nor complain of injustice, 2 Sam. xv. 26. This was wrought in a low measure, and did proceed more from the sense of God’s sovereignty than of His justice, and was rather negative in not murmuring, than positive in a hearty compliance with evils. And thus was the frame and work of humiliation wrought in me; and I continued herein for a month, suffering every thing, and doing what the Lord required.

9. Step IX. — After I was in this low measure humbled, I proceeded another step, even to resign myself to the Lord. It was occasioned by reading a sermon of Mr Andrew Gray’s, on these words, “My son give Me thy heart.” I was made to comply with that command, so as, though I could not say I was quite conquered by the love of Christ so fully to give up myself, yet through sense of want and misery, and some old love to Christ, and withal hoping it might be a mean to do me good, and willing to comply with a command, I did legally and affectionately dispone my heart to Christ. “O Lord,” said I, “though I cannot command this evil heart to love Thee, nor myself to serve Thee; yet, if I have power or right of it, I here legally renounce that right in Thy favours, and by these presents make over myself to Thee, and all that is within me. Now, Lord, take me at my word, and take advantage of this to claim me as Thine own; accept the real motions of my will. Oh that Christ would now look on me as His, and pretend right to me, and make use of this right!” In the strength of this I walked for some time, though it did not always satisfy. For I could not believe that though I was sincere and affectionate in this, that ever my disposition could give Christ a right to me, unless He likewise did accept it. “Lord, Thou offerest Thyself to me (said I), and I cannot take Thee; Lord, I likewise offer myself to Thee, Thou mayest take me, but wilt not. Oh! others take advantage of my bargains; Oh that Christ would do so, and challenge a claim and right to me! Lord, Thou sayest Thou art willing to do me good; Lord, I offer myself to Thee to do with me what Thou wilt; only let me not be guided by myself.” Here came I, and I did stick and wrestle for some time striving to come forth. This was in July, and I continued till the latter end of August thus.

SECTION II.

Relating some things touching my humiliation and wilderness condition.

1. The frame and exercise of my heart while in this condition was, 17/10, I found great deadness and hardness of heart; and this I mourned under, as my greatest evil. I now thought I could never win to be so sensible of my condition as I ought to be, and in my heart I desired a law-work again. 2do, I was in great blindness and distance with Christ, and therefore much lamented my ignorance of Him; and therefore was unsatisfied with my greatest attainments, in respect I saw not Himself; or, if I did, it was very darkly. $tio, I wanted assurance, and was in the dark as to my interest, and rather was inclined to think myself not converted than converted, and was seeking and hoping for something; and any thing I met wTith made me rejoice, as it was an evidence of some good to come to me, rather than as it was a token of any good already gotten. I had no foundations settled. 4/0, I was inconstant; my goodness was as the morning dew, so as my great complaints were, that my heart would not retain or keep the divine impressions that were on it now and then, Hos vi. 4. 5/0, I was full of unbelief, constructing hardly of God and of His ways, and of myself; which unbelief, though as yet I saw it not as a sin, yet did me much evil. I thought ill that I was delivered from my terrors, Exod. xvii. 3. 6to, I was tormented with this, that I met not with that sweetness and fellowship in ordinances as I desired, but barren for the most part to my soul; not being thankful for the day of small things, such as quickening, healing encouragement, and comfort; and not humbled for wants when nothing was spoken to me. jmo, There was security and un watchfulness, whereby my heart was ready to grow careless, by which I continually fell to some sins of conversation, which did break my peace.

2. I ordinarily then slipped in these sins, which did break my peace: 1 mo, Departing from God in heart, in turning secure and careless, and suffering my heart, to go out of all tune, through not walking as in the sight of God. 2do, Sensuality in the immoderate use of comforts, being naturally given to appetite. $tio, Idle, vain words, and vain conversation. lto, Unprofitable spending of time, and not improving opportunities and occasions of good, letting my generation-work lie by. 5/0, Carnality in all my actions, civil and Religious, not doing things spiritually. 6to, Sloth in going about the means; beside the inward evils of pride, murmuring, and unbelief, and want of love and fear.

3. But as the Lord showed kindness to His people in the wilderness, notwithstanding all their provocations, so did He to me: and I observed His love during this time in several particulars; imo, When I was in hazard to sleep the sleep of death, and to depart from the Lord through my discouragements and plagues of heart, evil and carnal company; what mercy was it, to clear me from my discouragements, to take me to the wilderness from the crowd of the world, and against the stream of indispositions, sloth, and discouragements; to persuade and make me return and seek the Lord in the use of all means, “if so be there might be hope,” when I had no mind of it, nor heart to it? How did he convince me that my time was not yet gone; that when I was departed, and like to fall, nay, far gone in a consumption of which I would have died, that I should be prevented and healed, and that He should renew His kindness, and would not let me depart for ever, but stirred me up to seek the Lord? He “found me in a howling wilderness,” ready to perish, gasping out my last, Duet, xxxii. 10.

There had I perished for ever; but the Lord made a second voyage for me, He “came to seek and to save that which was lost.” 2dfo, What love and mercy was in this, that when through sense of deadness, spiritual wilderness-wants, fierce tentations, and great darkness, I was ready to go back unto Egypt, or to faint in the way, that He should have given me water out of the rock, and should by visitations have upholden my spirit, and by these encouraged me, and kept in my dying life, training me on piece and piece? fie, But Oh! what shall I think of His continued mercy, His being ever with me? Though I was wild, weak, and unworthy, and sinful, and ever destroying myself; yet all my steps were guided by Him, He was ever with me, pitying me, ever sparing me, ever relieving in my extremity, and preventing my utter ruin; so that all this time He was with me in love, long-suffering, pity, and goodness, when I could not shift for myself at all. How long did I “stay in the place of the breaking forth of children,’1 and was no way profitable to Him at all, doing no good in the world, and through unbelief constructing all to the worst? Yet was He still with me, and never left me until He had brought me unto a” Rock higher than I.” Oh what unwearied pains and cost was He at! Oh shall I ever forget His condescendency! I thought ill that mine evils came through mine own default. For though I should turn dead and God had left me, if I had then been on my watch-tower I would not care; but the Lord would have my restoration of free grace from Himself. Readily then I would say, it was my waiting, and watching, and diligence, that did recover me; Oh not! but when sinful, when asleep, when given over, He would come, that it might appear, “not for your sakes do I this, but for My name’s sake.“‘There was not only wisdom, power, and pity, but likewise a coming over my sins, and great mercy; and now I think it no worse, and no less comfortable, that my mercies had His name engraven on them, even His grace, though there be no such ground for boasting. I was indeed the bush burning, and not consumed, Lord, “What is man, that Thou lookest on him, and visitest him every morning?’’ Job vii. 17, 18.

4. I remember, when I came to Edinburgh first, and not having room to pray, and likewise overcome with discouragements, not seeing an end of my labours, I began to faint and weary; and the Lord let me alone for a while, and I grew worse and worse. Until one Sabbath-day I went to hear an able minister, and much cried up; but there was such a throng that I could not get him heard, nor to any other church in the town; only I stumbled at last in the English church which was then in the town, with no great hope to get any good. The minister preached on these words, “A bruised reed will He not break.” What shall I say? The Lord assisted him with such power, and he spoke so seasonably to me, that I was again revived and set in the way, and resolved to hold on till I should find the Lord; yea, it was then that I had some thoughts that I was converted, and some of my ordinary objections were answered.

5. I began again to faint and depart, because I thought never one was in my condition. And, being in a conference with a godly man, he told me the history of his conversion, and what brave days he had seen, and how that nothing now was but deadness, carnality and unbelief. This had such influence, that again my heart was lifted up in the ways of the Lord, and that I was not singular, but my case was common, and therefore resolved to seek the Lord. And at the same time I got in my hands a piece of Mr Shepherd’s I had never seen before, which the Lord blessing, after some consideration I resolved once more to assault the city, and to beseech God more earnestly than ever I had done before, which I was helped in some measure to do, and found the profit of it.

6. A while after, fainting and giving over, I read on Mr Shepherd’s “Sound Believer” concerning soul humiliation, where he speaks to this purpose: “One way by which the Lord Jesus (saith he) in the day of His power doth humble a poor sinner is, by letting him see the wildness of his own heart and duties; whereby the soul thinks, can these that are so wild save me? And then (saith he) the soul thinks, though for the present I be not well, yet hopes it shall do better in process of time, and thereupon falls to afresh; but Christ loads and wearies the soul with duties; and, after all its labour, the soul findeth itself worse than before. And here again the soul falleth down, finding itself to row against both wind and tide.” Well (quoth I), this is like me, and this is it which God is doing with me. But, alas! my heart is hard, and I never felt conviction and compunction yet; how can I be come to humiliation then? Well, I read further, until he brings the humbled soul to speak thus: “Oh miserable wretch that I am! never worse than now. Once I could mourn, and pray, and sorrow, and never well but when out of one duty into another; but now a dead, blind, hard heart seizeth upon me, so as I can get nothing done.” Here I stopt, and said, Then blessed be the Lord, that hath not let me alone, but given me so much light as to discern my way, and where I am. And is God indeed humbling me, and preparing me for Christ? I see that God hath left me to my deadness, that the sense thereof might draw me to Christ; for, as the same author saith, “More are drawn to Christ under the sense of a dead, blind heart, than by all sorrows, humiliations, and terrors.” I trust God, that hath begun the work, will finish it. I was wonderfully strengthened by this; it is good to be in God’s hands, howsoever matters be. With these and the like was my spirit kept up in this wilderness.

7. I have been searching unto the Lord’s ends in this to me, and am never more satisfied than when I conclude them to be: — imo, That I might know all the evil in my heart, my weakness and sinfulness, that thereby I might be humbled, who have so often departed, and whose whole life was a grieving of God, Duet. viii. 2; Chron. xxxii. 31; John ii. 25. 2do, That I might thereby be made acquaint with the methods and way of conversion, with which, through my hasty incoming, I was not so well acquaint. God did now, as it were, act over again conversion; He convinced me, not only of actual sins, but of heart-sins and heart-plagues, and of that fountain-sin of nature which continually departed from God, and fiercely resisted Him in all His ways; He convinced me that I could not help myself, and that neither prayers nor means could help me; that I could neither buy nor conquer heaven. He wearied me with duties and enlargements, and in the greatness of my way, and loaded me with the multitude of my counsels and inventions. At last He humbled me, and calmed me, and made me believe. So that I think the Lord designed to acquaint me with the method of conversion, that I might be the more enabled to edify others, Acts v. 32, being myself a witness, and not heard it only, but also felt and seen, that I might speak to this purpose, 1 John i. 1; Psal. xxxiv. 4, 6, 11. “Not ignorant of His devices,” 2 Cor. ii. n. $tio, That God might do me much good in the end, of which I had promise given me, and rationably and seasonably borne in upon my spirit, from Duet. viii. 16, in one of my dolorous hours, Heb. xii. 1 1; Jer. xxv. 4. I indeed expect much good from all this preparation and hard beginning. 4/0, I look upon this as the only way to preserve me from backsliding. By these means, and by erupting me from vessel to vessel, came it to pass that mine eyes were kept waking, and from settling on my lees; for I might perceive by Scripture, and sad experience, that many were full of their own enlargements and graces, and so fixed as they thought they had no more ado, and, therefore, like that rich man, Luke xii., said, “Soul take thy rest, thou hast enough for many days.” The foolish virgins thought their great business was done; by which means being, as they supposed, past all danger, they slumbered and slept, and through sloth lost all; and, being settled on their lees, lost all, and backslided and apostatised miserably, and lost all life. But the Lord kept mine eyes waking, and gave me still my hands full ado; and, when I would seek rest, the Lord, by a new storm, would awaken me again; when discouraged through fears, temptations, desertions, and sins, and so like to give over because no hope, then would the Lord revive; and when I would say, “It is good to be here, let us make tabernacles,” then a cloud would come; so as, by lifting up, and casting down, I was daily kept in exercise, depending, praying, and fighting, Judges iii. 1; Psal. lxxiii. 3, 4, 5, 14; Jer. xlviii. 11; Psal. lv. 19; Job vii. 18. 5/0, To manifest to me, and to give me experience of His love, condescendency, and constancy, who in all my ways was with me, and that has never left me until He had His work wrought in me, that preserved me in this great wilderness, that did bear with my manners there, that supplied me continually in my extremities, Duet. viii. 5. 6to, To beat me out of my self-righteousness, worthiness, and sense, that thereby I might be fastened on the “Rock higher than I,” that finding no rest for the sole of my foot by duties and enlargements, but they decaying under me, I might seek rest where it might be found, Mat. xi. 28, that, these sandy foundations being razed, I might build on that which will endure for ever, and thereby stand out all storms

; for these good moods I was in could not comfort me or uphold me when my conscience was distressed, nor yet could they maintain themselves, but still decayed. And, therefore, this not being my rest, I was to seek it another way, Jer. 1. 6, and that I might know man’s life is not upholden by means as by the Lord, in or without them: “Man liveth not by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” For this is natural to us, to depend upon what our eyes see, and not to look to Him who is invisible, who indeed is “all in all.” Now, the insufficiency of duties and self-righteousness did appear by these things: 1^/, I never had full peace by them in their best, nor could they answer all accusations; some bone was still sticking. 2dly They could not give full satisfaction nor contentment; something was wanting; they were bread which satisfied not. $dly, The roots of sin did not appear to be taken away, and there was but little advantage gotten against corruption, it appeared still in its strength; and but very indiscernible growth in grace, lthly, It could not hold out in temptations; but whenever there came a storm, I was dung on my back, giving all hopes over. 5////1’, When deadness came, there was no substance in what I met with to quicken me, as I now find in the promises, and flesh and blood of Jesus Christ. 6thfy, They could not last, but perished when I was revived; and, therefore, finding this and that I but spent my strength in vain for “bread that profiteth not,’” I was made dead to them, and had no comfort in them or from them, but in so far as they were appearances of Christ’s coming, and did prognosticate that He was not far away; and therefore looked up for that bread which endureth for ever. Surely this is not my rest; I wanted security, satisfaction, and strength in all these things. The sixth end was, To break my pride and stubbornness, which did not kyth so much in good thoughts of myself (for I saw I was empty), but in this, in liking to save myself by my own strength, and means, and way. For when I was beat out of all this, I thought that if I would wait, and not depart wickedly from God, I should herein have peace; and, upon this, projected to myself certain rules by which to walk. This I put no question to do and keep, and was confident enough, and would have no other way but this, because this was my own choosing, and that with a secret end of exalting myself, and getting a name before God of a righteous person. But God seeing me, “set my heart as the heart of God,” Ezek. xxviii. 2, and abhorring the pride thereof, did resist me continually; and what by desertions, what by temptations, did so order it, as I was unable to keep my resolutions, His counsel standing, and my resolutions falling; and, “in the thing wherein I dealt proudly, He was above me.” I fell many times, nay, almost every time, through unwatchfulness; and this made me murmur and grieve more that my purposes were broken, and the building I had framed, like the spider’s web, hurled down, than that God was dishonoured. Prov. xix. 3, My foolishness perverted my way, and my heart fretted against the Lord, and likewise fretted that, the case being so, He should punish. I gave no glory to God, who had “power over these plagues,” Rev. xvi. 9. And, notwithstanding I fell, yet, like Tyrus, I would say, “I was God,” to Him before whom I fell, Ezek. xxviii. 2, and would ever be trying to establish my own righteousness, not acknowledging mine own insufficiency, nor acknowledging that it is God that doth what He wills, and that none saith and it cometh to pass but God. And God by His providences did prove this, and made me like an ox eat grass; yet would I not be convinced that the Most High ruleth, and it is yet a part

of my exercise to get quit of this spirit, Ezek. xxviii. 6, 9; Dan. iv. 25, 27; Exod. xviii. n. And therefore it came to pass that the Lord did constantly crush me in my will and resolutions. And, when He was pleased to show mercy, it was neither in the time, way, or manner when I either resolved to have it, or expected, or desired; and all this to let me know that the Most High directeth the ways of man, and that grace is a man’s best charter, and to bow and break this will to submit to God in all dispensations, and to be carried to my journey’s end what way soever He pleased, though through mire and dirt, Ezek. xx. 32, “That which cometh in your thoughts shall not at all be.”

8. From which I observe this: imo, That folk may contract by backsliding what they will not in a very long time recover again, and the dregs of it may remain after they are, indeed, begun to return to the Lord; it is not easy to twin with sin. Josh. xxii. 17. The iniquity of Baal-peor, though long since contracted, and much cost wared on it, yet [is] not purged away until this day. The security and indispositions I then contracted, I am not free from yet. 2do, A man’s whole life is but a conversion; and the Lord, after every kind of backsliding, draws after the same way as at the first conversion, yea, and deals so with them as they may seem never to have been converted before, Mat. xviii. 3. Yea, I found a more distinct preparatory work after my first drawing than ever before. For the Lord did things in a clap at first, and in a very little time did let me see that I was undone, that I was not converted, nor could convert myself; and the insufficiency of duties, and an unconverted condition, with God’s wrath, had some impressions on my spirit. And then the Lord revealed Christ unto me, on whom I believed, and with whom I closed. But now the Lord did draw me very clearly, and did insist in every step so, as that all the knowledge I have of the work of preparations, I have it from what I met with after I knew Christ, more than from what I met with at first. $tio, The strongest, last, and bitterest enemy the Lord hath, and which He abhorreth most, is spiritual pride; against this He setteth Himself mainly; I mean, the vain-glorious confidence folk have in their own strength, and to be saved by their own righteousness, and to have their own wills fulfilled. It is hard to get our high conceits down, and it is hard to get the will broken to be submissive to the Lord’s will in all dispensations, and it is hard to get folk to glorify God, and make use of His righteousness, Ezek. xxviii. 9; Prov. xix. 3. It is easy to let a man see he is not converted, that he cannot save himself; but it is hard persuading him that he can do nothing, not so much as to be thankful for the least mercy. Ye will not persuade him to live, and live only in, to, and by another, and submit himself, his will, in all things, to God; and with a holy contentedness to submit to have his resolutions broken, and God glorified; and contented and satisfied in this, that the counsel of the Lord hath taken effect. 4/tf, It is the frequency and constancy of God’s waterings that doth good, rather than any measure of a particular fit or visitation; and from this more love may be gathered, John xv. 7, “If My words abide in you.” “He that endureth to the end shall be saved.” Balaam had a strange fit. These waterings, through their frequency and constancy, in process of time did good, did sanctify, did humble, did make me delight in duty, and draw to God, and from the world. “Gutta cavat lapidem, -non vi, sed scebe cadendo” Hosea iii. 3, “Thou shalt abide for Me many days,” And that which cometh by degrees hath most last. $to, Unwatchfulness is a constant and only evil, prejudicial to a progress in grace, Mat. xxvi. 41. 6to, “Man liveth not by bread alone, but by every word that proceeded! out of the mouth of God.” I owe any thing that was wrought in me to His grace and goodness, and not to my own resolutions, nor to any means whatsomever. “O people saved by the Lord!” I did by many experiences find a horse a vain help. 7 ///<?, Folk, in returning to God, are drawn by degrees, by little and little, and not all at once. As first, to put in their heart to seek God, then a remissness, then a turning more serious, then to find more sweetness in the Lord and His ways. “By little and little will I drive them out,” And, therefore, folk may be converted, though they remember not

of any special day, that might be as a time to pass reckoning upon; do as ye may, and be drawn according to God’s will, who “leads the blind in a way that they know not.” 8vo, The way to heaven is a tedious, wearisome, narrow, and straight gate, even a terrible and great wilderness, Duet. viii. 15, that heaven may be the sweeter when it comes. Oh how much need of patience is there! and what thankfulness owe we, when we come to any place where there are fountains of water! Let us not think strange if thus we find it. gno, There is not, possibly, in some, so much sensible joy as at their first conversion, of which many reasons may be given; no such singing as when brought out of Egypt; the fatted calf is slain at first, Luke xv. 23. The gold and prize is seen at the break of the race, and at the race’s end; folk have most need of it then. They were not sent to the war the first year. lomo, All must be in some measure humbled ere they get any good; meekened and made silent before, and submissive to God, Lev. xxvi. 41. 1 1 mo, All exercises as to circumstances are not alike in Christians; one Christian’s pace is not a method or a rule for another. 12 mo, There may be a wearying and loading, and real humiliation, though there be no terrors on the soul. 13/fc, Sense of a dead, hard heart is an effectual means to

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draw to Christ, yea, and more effectual than any other can be, because “dead, miserable, and naked,” Rev. iii. 18. 14/^, God is ever carrying on His work in a soul, or in a kingdom, though we do not always perceive it: for He carries it on insensibly; the seed grows, and thou knowest not how; He hath His way in the storms: “I girded thee with strength, though thou knewest not.” Yea, when we think He is standing still, or going backward, yet He is going forwards. 15/0, Hope is the first step of recovery, and all the sorrows of the elect have hope in them; therefore, let every one labour to settle this well, Ezra x. 2, “There is hope, therefore let us turn.” 16 to, The beginnings of grace are very small, poor, and unpromising, like a grain of mustard seed, Mat. xiii. 31; Ezek. xlvii. 3, 4, 5.

SECTION III.

How I was drawn to God, and made to close with Him by faith.

For any thing I could learn of myself, or discern, I had the seeds of grace and faith before this time; but yet I lived more by sense than any other way, and therefore I fell and rose as sense was up or down, and so never came to any settlement, like a wave tossed up and down. And so the Lord, intending to settle me, did beat me from sense, and made me learn a more excellent way, even to live by faith. I knew there was a rest, whereof I knew little; only I thought it was an estate of constant joy and life, wherein the Spirit would evermore triumph against the flesh, and wherein all actings would be pure and cleanly. And thus, like the Jews and disciples, I dreamed of a heaven on earth, though not of an earthly kingdom. But that which was indeed my rest, to which he that believeth hath entered in, I never so much as dreamed of it: for I thought faith was some extraordinary rapture, and seeing of Christ with great fulgor and glory; this I thought to be faith, or the ground of it. But the Lord came in the “calm voice,” and Christ grew “like a tender plant out of a dry ground,” Luke xvii. 20 j Zech. iv. 6. And, indeed, the foundation of this second temple was far less glorious in appearance than the first. Oh how was I mistaken! It was less in my thoughts, that such a dead, blind, carnal, sinful soul should be called to believe and depend most confidently on Christ, and that without any sign from heaven, but upon the bare warrant of His word in Scripture. The way and the manner whereof, as I remember, I shall set down; which was the tenth and last step of my recovery.

1. Finding, therefore, no rest in my exercise of self-resignation for the causes above and formerly expressed, I began to be very sorrowful and disconsolate, and, like Pharaoh’s chariots, to drive on heavily. I continued waiting in the means; and one day, as I was reading in my ordinary, I read these words in Hag. ii. 17, “I smote you in all the labour of your hands, yet ye turned not to Me, saith the Lord.” I applied this spiritually; that is, thought I, God hath smitten me in all my labours, duties, resolutions, and vows, and for all this I turned not to God; but wherein am I not turned? Wherein shall I return? How so? Have I not left my sins, mourned, prayed, read, and meditated? What remains yet to be done? What duty or mean do I slight? What pains in my power have I withholden? I therefore cast mine eyes upon all duties; and, while I was thus searching, some blessed motion was suggested to me, That I had all my lifetime slighted the duty of believing, and had not turned to God by faith; and, therefore, until this thou do, God will ever continue in smiting thee in all the labours of thy hand, for “without faith, it is impossible to please God.” And it hath been the want of this, and this only, that hath blasted thee in all thine endeavours. Faith, quoth I, astonished, what is this? What, me believe, that am so wild, so unprepared, so dead, so little prizing of Christ! It cannot be; Lord, now keep from a delusion. Yes* Faith, of which so much is spoken in Scripture, of which thou knowest so little, that is the main grace, said the Spirit. These things made me some way apprehensive of the matter. v

2. I, therefore, in the second place, was made to consider the matter, and I found that faith had a great place in religion; and withal, looking to myself, I found that I had very little practised it, and was as great a stranger to it as these disciples, Acts xix. i, 2, were to the knowledge of the Holy Ghost. I knew not what it was, nor had formerly exercised it, or distinctly and expressly heard of it, nay, knew not that it was my duty; for this ill principle remained with me, viz., I believed that none should believe but persons so and so qualified, and that the ground thereof was some sensible manifestation of glory, which until I could find, I thought I was to lie in my prison and mourn, John xvi. 9.

3. The Lord did convince me fully that I should believe, and that it was the duty of every one. For, as I said before, I thought that only persons so and so qualified were bound to believe; but the merciful Lord Himself did unloose this knot, by calling me to Him, convincing me that it was my duty so to do; and thereby the chains wherewith Satan had for a long time bound me, and kept me from the distinct exercise and life of faith, were broken. And that which is wonderful is, — I heard it an hundred times pressed in sermons to believe, and yet until that day was never persuaded it was my duty to believe, nor never minded that exercise at all. The grounds whereby I was then persuaded to believe, or that believing was my duty, yea, and that all were bound to believe, which was the first point, were these: 1st, That Scripture, 1 John iii. 23, “This is His commandment, that ye believe on the name of the Son of God.” Then it is commanded, concluded I; and why is it not duty? Nay, is it not the great command? Dost thou question that prayer is thy duty? Truly it is thy duty, because commanded. Then faith, or receiving of Christ, being commanded likewise, it is thy duty as well as prayer. 2dly, Wicked, unregenerate men are commanded to believe; and it is the great duty, more acceptable and well pleasing to God than any thou canst preform, John vi. 28, “What is the work of God, that we should work it?” The answer, verse 29th, was very contrary to their expectations and thoughts, “This is the work of God, that ye believe on Him whom He hath sent;” this is the first, the great command, and a command tying graceless persons such as were the Jews. $dfy, That Scripture was brought to my mind, Rom. iv. 20, Abraham, “by believing glorified God,” compared with Num. xx. 12, “Because ye believed not, to sanctify my name before this people, therefore ye shall not bring this people into the land promised.” Now, seeing believing glorifies God, thou art bound unto it; for every man is bound to glorify God. Who questions this? Now, believing glorifies God, in acknowledging His power, goodness, and rich grace. <lthl) The Spirit urged this argument, the wicked are punished for not believing, therefore it is their duty to believe. See Psal. ixxviii. 32, 33, “He consumed their days in vanity, because they believed not on Him;” and so shall He do with thee if thou do not believe. $thly, This was confirmed to me by the first Scripture, and by the language of some providences. What else could I call my continual disappointments, and fruitless labours, but a call to me to try what this might do? My days were consumed, and therefore by my stroke I might read my sin.

4. The Lord having by these persuaded and convinced me that it was my duty to believe, and rolled this stone away from the sepulchre; He proceeded next to answer my manifold objections, which then did begin to swarm and keep me from believing. The main were, 1st, I cannot believe; and, therefore, why am I called to believe? It is the gift of God, and why should I hammer out a faith of my own bowels? This will not be accepted. It was answered, the Lord, by thus drawing and inviting thee, gives thee power to come, as it was when He called on dead Lazarus to live and come forth. And, besides, thou canst not sanctify a Sabbath, nor pray; yet it is thy duty, and thou goest about it as thou canst. So do here. Yea, to the wearied and loadened, and called thus, it is not impossible. A second objection was, I fear I may presume. It was answered, to believe, in obedience to a command, is no presumption. When thou receivest Christ, and in this act believest on and restest in Him for pardon, this being obedience cannot be presumption, for it is no persumption to obey God; to believe uncalled is presumption or unwarrantable. Objection 3rd, I am not enough humbled, my heart is dead and hard, and I am altogether insensible of my condition; and, therefore how7 can I be called to believe? for it is the “weary and heavy ladened” that are called to come. It was answered, it may be so, but this gives no right to come; it is the call and command of God, and Gospel-offers, which gave a right, and not any qualification. And besides, I read in Mr Gray at the same time, that those that are wearied and loadened are rather those that will come, than those that ought to come. Thou art miserable, and naked, and wild; all is true. But how can it be otherwise, when thou hast lived at such a distance with Christ who is the fountain of life? If thou wouldst believe, He would give thee what thou wantest; there is no other way of receiving life but by coming to Him, John v. 40. Objection 4th, But I cannot prize Christ, nor am I prepared. It was answered, that as faith fetches all from Him, so fetches it prizing of Him too; for if faith fetches all from Christ, then it brings nothing to Christ but deadness, blindness, and sinfulness. Come to Him for grace to prize Him; if thou once wouldst believe, then Christ would be precious to thee, 1 Pet. ii. 7. Emptiness is the best qualification;” The hungry He filleth with good things, but the rich He sendeth away empty.’’ There is no more required than what makes thee be willing to accept Him; if, therefore, thou be willing to accept Christ, thou prizeth Him sufficiently, and art sufficiently prepared. Objection 5///, Thou

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findest no glorious power drawing thee. It was answered, yet I find the Lord in His Word really calling me, and this is as sufficient a ground to thee as though He came personally and visibly here and desired this of thee; and, therefore, do now what thou wouldst do then. His Word is the “more sure word of prophecy,” surer than the voice that came down from heaven. Objection 6///, But I find no good after I believe. It was answered, no more do saints at first, Hos. vi. 2, “After two days will He come and revive us.” It is not by coming to Him, but by “abiding in Him,” that fruit is brought forth. ,1 confess, by the answering of these objections, and by other arguments, the Lord did sensibly and seasonably, and with a strong hand, convince me that it was my duty to believe. Oh will He take such a vile worm as I! Yes, He will; for thou art the fittest person in the world for Him to glorify His grace on. The Lord did incessantly follow me with these thoughts, yea, I found a sensible power dealing with me.

5. The Lord did not only draw me to conclude that believing was my duty, and answered my objections; but by other arguments persuaded me to go about this duty of believing on and closing with Christ. The main motives were, isf, Dost thou not see how earnest God is with thee? He commands, invites, threatens thee; hath at last opened thy blind eyes to let thee see thy duty, loosed all thy objections, and hath now this long time waited on thee. Oh! open at last, and yield to His importunity, Rev. iii. 20. 2dly, Know it, if thou wilt not answer, and quickly answer, God will away and leave thee, and there will be no more knocking, but all this work shall die, and thou shalt never be converted, Prov. i. 24-33. y’? There is nothing more pleasing to God than believing. Behold how the angels are expecting and wishing in their hearts that now there may be a match made, Luke xv. 7, and ii. 13. This will please the Lord for all the ills that thou hast done Him; nothing thou canst do can be so pleasing to Him; for this is the end of all dispensations, and the great command.

Now, make amends for all ye have done, John vi. 28. 4////r, Consider the duty itself; it is the giving of thy heart to Christ, and receiving of Him, and believing in Him. Hath He been at such pains, and taken thy rotten righteousness away, and now comes and offers Himself to thee, beseeches thee to love Him, looses all thy objections? Oh! slight not this great salvation. Slight any duty, but trample not on love; love for love is the least that can be given, Heb. ii. 3. 5tAfy, “Without faith, it is impossible to please God,” Pray, suffer, and do what thou wilt, all is abomination if not in faith; I care for nothing if this be wanting, saith the Lord, Heb. xi. 6. 6////1*, The sorest punishments are abiding unbelief; and, therefore, if thou refuse this offer, all thy sins that ever thou didst, thy blasphemy, Sabbath-breaking, etc., will be but as flea-bites to this, Acts xiii. 41. It shall be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrah than for thee. Better never have prayed, but lived a profane Atheist, than come this length and stick; God will go away shortly, and thou shalt wander and decay, and one to a hundred but thou sin that sin against the Holy Ghost, Heb. vi. 6, for never wast thou indeed enlightened till now; and now refuse, and let this heat cool, and thou mayest be hardened, “ithly, Consider, if Christ were now in thy chamber, and were bidding and entreating thee with tears in His eyes to receive Him, and offering Himself to thee, and saying to thee, O thou wretchedest of sinners, by all these sorrows I endured for thee, I adjure thee grieve Me no more with thine unbelief, but receive Me and My offers, and so glorify My grace. Wouldst thou not do it, and wonder at this love? Oh Christ doth it as really now, Rom. x. 8, “The Word is near thee, in thy mouth, and in thy heart,”* 8///7v, Consider what thou shalt have by this. Thou shalt get life, light, rest, and consolation; and that which in vain thou hast been seeking by thy own righteousness, thou shalt by faith get, nay, be able to work impossible things; thy dead heart shall live, thy blind eyes shall see Him, thy lame hands and feet shall leap and work, and by this way only shalt thou have peace. With these and the like arguments did the Lord court my soul to Himself.

6. The Lord did by suitable providences back the call of His Word upon my Spirit; for on a day of private humiliation it was my ordinary to read Heb. xi. and First Epistle of Peter, where so much is spoken of faith. The Lord likewise made Shepherd’s “Sound Believer” useful to me, which till now I perceived I never understood; then all Scriptures concerning faith, and treatises speaking thereof, and meditations of it, were sweet, which now I began something to understand. I was now come as it were to a new world, and there was such a stir upon my spirit as I never found the like before. Fain would I believe, but, ah, I could not! I found a spirit of resistance, there was a blindness upon my eyes; I knew not what believing was, nor on whom. On the one hand, the Lord by His commands, motives, earnest and real invitations, promises, and answering objections, yea, and terrible threatenings in case of unbelief, hastening me and pushing me forward, and that speedily; for all doors were shut but this of faith. For I could neither pray nor do anything, in respect of the sinfulness of it without faith, and therefore this behoved to be my first work. On the other hand, ignorance of Christ, and of the duty of believing, and fear of presumption, and believing on my own strength, did toss me like a ball; I knew not what to do, but like a weak child stuck in the birth. Oh, said I, how can I believe! “Lord, help my unbelief,” and pity me, Thou that hast been with me so wonderfully through the great and terrible wilderness, and brought me even to the borders of the good land; Oh help here. Sometimes I would think it were better I had never come this length. My greatest objection was, that I did not see the glory of Christ; and though I should believe, yet without this it would not be an effectual believing, and so would prove but a dead faith; and likewise, I knew not what faith was. Well, said the Lord, do but rely on Christ for life and affection with some confidence that He will help thee, and I seek no more. In this and to this I found some strength, and then I endeavoured it, and said, behold, I come to Thee, Lord; do not thou cast me off. But the Lord said, come not only to see what Christ will do with thee, but likewise rest upon and believe from His goodness, that He will do all that thou standest in need of. Well, then, answered my heart, since it is so, I will take my hazard, and on Thee I cast myself, come of it what will. And verily that which seemed in my most serious exercise to be the notion of faith by which I closed with Christ was, a certain kind of persuation and rest in it, that I had, the Lord would do me good, and help me in all things. And the great thing that was pressed upon me was, not to doubt of Christ, especially His good-will; in which in some measure I rested. 7. I was afterward more confirmed in this; for in this case I continued for fourteen days much after one way, still looking for some great thing, but found nothing. And then a new objection came in, which was this, though it was my duty to believe, yet, if I had really believed, there would something have followed; but Oh! I find nothing after my closing. Surely I have laid my pipes short of the fountain; I am as blind, as dead, as unholy as ever. I will to my prison again, till Christ Himself come and redeem me with a strong hand; for it seems I have come forth without a warrant, and so I became discouraged, and did pull up the roots and razed the foundations again. But the Lord trysted me with a suitable word from Mr Shepherd to this objection, showing that a soul may come to Christ, and yet at first find nothing; and then, saith he, the same reason (viz., emptiness) that moved thee to come, the same should make thee stay with Christ; and it is usual with

the Lord’s people to get nothing at first, Hos. vi. 1, “Let us return unto the Lord, for He will heal us.” Oh, say they, we got nothing, we find no healing or life No, saith he, though the first day ye get nothing, nor yet the next, yet “after two days He will revive us, and the third day we will stand up in His sight.” This cured the wound something; but the fresh apprehensions of presumption and catching hold on a lie, with the sense of unworthiness, and believing in my own strength, did, like a violent storm, raze all foundations, so as through pettishness, fear, unbelief, and impatience, I said, I will to my prison again, I will pluck up my anchor again; and, therefore, resolved I would make a doleful and heavy complaint to God. But, when I was going to my knees, ere ever I had spoken a word to the Lord, it was suggested to me thus: Dost thou think, seeing thou rejectest My Son, and wilt not trust in Him, that ever thy peeping or sorrows will be accepted by Me? Is not every thing that is not done in faith abomination? Thou mayest well think by prayer to offend God more, but never think that the Lord henceforth will do any thing for thee, seeing there is no faith; for God hears no prayers but in Christ. I saw by this a necessity of believing, and doing what I could. Well, said I, O Lord, since it is so, that I must of necessity believe, against sense and reason, and as I can, I do lippen my soul to Thee, and trust Thou wilt save me from all my sins; and though this be counted presumption, yet I will trust in Him. And was much strengthened herein from Job xiii. 15, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him;” though all things seem to cry despair and die, and though for my presumption He should kill me, yet I will trust in Him; and now, Lord, since I have sealed this bargain, and closed with Thee, send strength, not for any thing in me, but because now I am Thy servant, that I may honour Thee, my Master.

8. I had no sooner spoken these words, but the Lord revealed Himself and His love, by the evidence of my sincerity in that petition, wherein I perceived, that, laying aside mine own cause, I sought grace to honour Him; and by this seal of the Spirit I became assured with joy and peace. I am not selfish, said I, in seeking grace; I seek it for Christ’s ends, to honour Him; therefore I have been sincere, and helped to believe. Then were my eyes opened

J 8 Memoirs of the

to see love in all dispensations. Oh this was a heart-ravishing consideration! The Lord, that followed me many a weary day, never rested till He had completed His work with me, and till He had engaged me to believe. Oh the love of Christ! If Christ had no power to help a poor sinner, but had love, He would even die over it, such is His love.

9. I was thinking whether this was but a common work, or was it special saving grace? and I am induced to believe and to think it a saving sincere faith, by these grounds: 1st, It was a faith wrought by the Lord Himself, though small, and weak; it was a faith of the operation of God, Eph. i. 19, 20, and ii. 8; Col. ii. 12. It was not of my own making and devising: and I shall not think that a presumption which He warranted me to do, and which I did in obedience to His command, nor that a delusion which His Spirit wrought. 2d/v, It was grounded on the Word, not on sense; on the Word of His command, Eph. ii. 20, and it is no presumption to believe what He commands. y/v, It “purified the heart,” and made me prize and desire grace, and made me desire that mainly for Christ’s ends, to honour Him, Eph. i. 13; Acts xv. 9; 1 John iii. 3. 4/^/r, It filled me with “joy and peace,” Rom. v. 2, 3, 4; 1 Pet. i. 8, so as I was satisfied with my condition, and went about the fields singing songs of triumph over Satan. Oh, said I, did I ever see this day, or expect to see it? 5/A/y, I was fitted and prepared for it; for it was after much humiliation, burdening, and wearying, Mat. xi. 28. 6th/y, It strengthened me; for I cried out, what shall I now do for the Lord, who hath heard my sorrows and afflictions? This “joy of the Lord was my strength,” Neh. viii. 10; Prov. xvii. 22. jthfy, It made the Lord Jesus precious; I was made to see a glory, an excellency, and loveliness in Him. And it is a token of a sound faith that exalts Christ, 1 Pet. ii. 7. St/ify, I was made to resolve to pay my vows which I made in afflictions and straits, once when at the college under convictions, and another time in confirmation of this when in the wilderness, which was this -that if the Lord would deliver me out of that condition in which I was, and give me assurance of His love, and acquaint me in some measure with the ways of God and Christian exercises, especially faith and patience, that thereby I might better inform others, and that before I was twenty-five years of age, that then, if I were in the kingdom, I should serve Him in the ministry. The Lord heard me, so as I thought I was bound. Then did I set myself wholly to serve the Lord. And in this frame I continued for a week, though not in that ecstacy of joy, yet in that peace and tranquillity of mind; my heart, being stayed by faith, was kept in perfect peace, which, through my dying, vanishing frame of spirit, it could never be.

10. Yet notwithstanding, this faith had many cracks in it, and many defects, which encouraged Satan to make an assault, which he made thereafter. It had these imperfections, 1st, Less discovered of the power of God in making me close with the promise, than in discovering my duty, and inclining me to believe. There was much of this faith wrought by my own power, which made Satan brangle it upon this very head. 2dly, I secretly rested, after I believed, in the act of faith rather than in the object of faith, and drew comfort from this more than from the object — Christ holden out in the Gospel. Sty, I was more convinced that believing was my duty, than I understood what believing was; the equity of believing appeared, but not the rationality. I was not so convinced of the grounds of believing; and therefore was I confused, and utterly at a loss wThat to believe. For generals could not be a ground of particular application, without which I could not have peace. Nor had I peace in the bare hopes that Christ would save me, because faith and hope appear to me to be different, 4?/ify, And the ground of all this was, though the Gospel revealed to me my duty formally and clearly, yet not the object of faith, the covenant of grace giving Christ Himself; of whom though I had some knowledge as of one able to save me, and who only was my upmaking, yet at this time I knew Him not so distinctly in His offices and offers, nor in the grounds He gave of believing, till afterwards; nor was I so acquaint with the nature of absolute promises, and their reach, till afterwards. 5thfy, I looked too much for something from Christ’s life and resurrection, and did not so expressly and distinctly (though I did really) close for Himself. 6th/v, I closed for spiritual benefits, but not for temporal benefits. JtMy, I limited the Holy One of Israel; for I made but use of faith for a time, until it should convey sense of life and consolation. And this I expected immediately, or shortly after I had believed; and that, when that sense came, there would never be a change again, and no use made of faith, but fair days from henceforth. I did not lay my account to wait all the days of my appointed time; and, therefore, not laying my account with trouble and long desertions, the storm that thereafter blew overthrew me.

ii. The end of which dispensation, I think, was to acquaint me more distinctly and clearly with the method of effectual calling, which formerly I had not so clearly known. 2dl) To learn me to live the life of faith, and to wean me from sense, dly, To acquaint me with His love, and to manifest and give proof thereof to me. Which appeared clearly in this work; for when I was not dreaming of faith, when all that ever I heard could not clear me what it was, nor suspected such a duty, and when multiplied objections were in my way, Oh how clearly did He loose them! How strongly, how lovingly, how incessantly, how patiently, how condescendingly to my weakness, how earnestly and strongly did he draw! And, lest I should doubt that He was well pleased with what I had done, He sealed it with the budding forth of sanctification, with joy and assurance. But in nothing am I more assured that this was true faith, than by the Lord’s constant preserving it, notwithstanding of all tentations: “When I was young He loved me, and led me by the arms, teaching me to go,” Hos. xi. i, 3, and in this He appeared the main doer, thly, His end was to bring me to rest, which is by faith: not to a rest from labour or work, nor a rest from tentations, afflictions, and sorrows, and wanderings now and then, but to a rest of security and settlement from fears. For, till the soul close with Christ, it never hath any ground of security or peace; then hath a man strength to perform duties, a balm against the sting of sin in the conscience, an undoubted evident and security for heaven, an undoubted strength to flee to in all extremities; it is now not like a wave in the sea, tossed to and fro, but it is fixed and centred.

12. From this I observe, ist, That ere ever a soul can believe, he must be called of God; for else no man would, could, or should come, Rom. viii. 30; 1 Cor. i. 2; Jer. hi. 22. 2dfy, That the immediate end of effectual calling is to receive Christ by faith, or to believe in, and rest on Him for all things, John vi. 28, 29; Mat. xxii. 3; Isa. lv. 1. For though the saints be said to be called to heaven, to peace, to be holy; yet is not this the immediate end of effectual calling, but, as I said, to receive Jesus Christ, and all things, freely offered in the Gospel. y/r, As it is God that calls, so it is God that maketh to answer this call; and the creature is but merely passive, 1 Pet. ii. 9. 4////1’, This call is inward as well as outward, borne in upon our spirit; God takes a dealing with the heart, Hos. ii. 14. For the outward call will never do it: “I will call her to the wilderness, and speak to her heart,” Jer. xxxi. 33: 2 Cor. iii. 3. $thlyy This call is a glorious call, and stamped with majesty and authority. As it is the Lord that calls, so doth He stamp His own name on it, so that the soul knows it is God that is dealing with him. And so, “where the word of a king is, there is power;” and “who may say unto him, What doest thou?” 6t/ily, This call is in the Word, or by it, Rom. x. 16, 17, not by dumb enthusiasms, superstitions, or a mere providence. It was by the Word I was convinced it was duty to believe, the Word gave me motives, and loosed my objections — all my warrants were from the Word. *[tMy Faith is neither to love Christ, or to be content to take

Him; for that is wrought already (to love a person, and to be content to marry him, is not marriage; it is but ‘a disposition to marriage): nor yet to believe that He is able to save, or to hope; but it is to believe on Christ that He is yours, and will bestow Himself and all things on you; and, when thus you believe, you have it: or, it is a cordial assent, and particular application of the promises, giving Christ and all His benefits. Give but a particular and cordial assent to the Gospel, and that is believing; and he never heard the Gospel to whom it spoke not this. I have largely proven this elsewhere, I now give my experience, i Tim. i. 15. St///j The grounds of faith are the command of God, the offer of the Gospel, but especially the Gospel declaration and promise, which at that time was not revealed to me, Mat. xi. 28; 2 Cor. v. 19, 20, 21. The New Testament ministers beseech all to be reconciled, and upon this ground, because He hath “made Him sin for us that knew no sin;” this is the rational ground of believing. The command is the moral ground of believing, God giving Christ freely, and making Him sin, and our covenant, and forgiving in His name; and the Gospel declaring this. Hence it is more than a naked offer, gth/v, Although it be the duty of all to believe, and though preparatory qualifications give no right to believe or to Christ; yet is Christ never revealed effectually to save a soul, until in some measure that soul be made to find its own emptiness, and want of self-righteousness. It is the blind and lame that are compelled to come, Luke xiv. 21, 23; Mat. xi. 28; John ix. 39; Pro v. ix. 4, 5. lothly, True humiliation doth not consist in legal terrors; and one, sufficiently humbled for sin, may yet be under apprehensions and sense of deadness, Isa. lxiii. 17; Psal. lxxx. 18; nor yet in the continuance of terrors, else the damned in hell should be most humbled. Only it is rather in a conviction of the want of all things, raising a dissatisfaction with the present condition, and a despair of self, and a justifying of God in all matters. Yea, the truest preparations for Christ are a sense and conviction of vileness, and

Rev. James Fraser of Btca. 83

guiltiness, deadness, hardness, and blindness, and a weariedness with the world and duties, and the ill heart. n////r, The heart truly humbled must be touched with original corruption and heart-plagues, and a state of distance and enmity, John xvi. 9. 2thly, Though all be humbled, all are not alike humbled; so, though all believers be drawn to Christ, and united to Him, yet are not all drawn in the same manner to Christ. To some heaven, as it were, is opened, the Lord revealing the glory of Jesus to them, so as they, without a hinck, leave all, and come flying to Him, Mat. xiii. 44, so as the soul is so overpowered, that it cannot but cling to the Lord Jesus. There are others that are under deep horrors, and brought down to hell, and distracted with terrors; and Christ is lovely as one that saves from wrath and hell. Necessity makes them flee to the city of refuge, Acts ii. 37; Heb. vi. 18; Psal. cxliii. 9. Some, under the sense of a dead, blind, empty heart, flee to Him for life and eye-salve more expressly, Prov. ix. 4; Jer. xxxi. 18, 19; Hosea xiv. 1; Rev. iii. 18. Some find they cannot come; they desire the Lord to do it, Lam. v. 21; Jer. xxxi. 18. Some, by the sense of a command, do desperately venture, and their faith is an act of wilfulness, Job xiii. 15. Some come to Christ, and they hang (having His promise, “That whosoever comes He will in nowise cast off”) by expectations, hope, and desire, until a greater window be opened in heaven; and then they clearly receive Christ, when the Lord Jesus is given, so as the everlasting doors are opened, Psal. xxiv. 7, 9. Not that these doors were not opened before, but because the frame of heart was not so discovered; for a desire after Christ, and a believing what the Gospel saith, and a hope upon this, is a real, though not a sensible, receiving of Christ; only time doth ordinarily manifest the reality of this. Some close with Christ by way of a marriageconsent and contract, Christ overcoming the heart by love, Hosea ii. 19, 20; Eph. v. 25; Jer. xxxi. 33; and 1. 5. Some come to Christ by way of looking to Him; in some their faith is but a hope or doth resemble it. 13M/J’, Love is the key that opens the heart, Rom. x. 10, “With the heart man believes to salvation,” Hosea ii. 19, 20, which love will kyth in a mourning for want of Him, and a desire after Him and a rejoicing in any thing that appears like Him, and a love unto His people. And, as there is affection in His people to Him, so is there love kythed in the Lord’s courting of His people. The command itself, “Turn,” hath love engraven on it, the Lord’s so earnest seeking of it, His large offers to gain this. 14/^/r, The soul, in believing, closes with the person of Christ (He is the principle object, though not the immediate object of faith), and closes with Him only, and for ever; the soul desires this, and mourns that it is not so: “Take away all sins,” Hosea xiv. 3; Jer. 1. 5; Psal. xc. 1. For, to come to Christ for His benefits only is not a personal love; to come to Chirst, but not to Him only, is an adulterous marriage; to come to Him for some time, and not for ever, is but to give Christ a visit, not to marry Him. i$tk/y, The whole life of a man is a continued conversion to God, in which he is perpetually humbled under sense of sin, and draws nearer and nearer to God, with more fervent faith and love, and daily walks closer and closer with the Lord, endeavouring at perfection, Mat. xviii. 3; Luke xxii. 32; Prov. xxiii. 26; Cant. iv. 8; Psal. lxiv. 7. And God doth as it were act over and over again His work in the heart, forming His people more exactly than before. And, therefore, no wonder they meet with something like a second, yea, and a third and fourth conversion; especially where there are backslidings. lbthly,

True faith is lively and fruitful; for it strengthens, settles, and sanctifies the heart, 1 John hi. 3: Acts xv. 9. ijt/i/y, There may be faith in the heart, though it doth not manifest itself in express acts of believing to those that have it; yea, there may be great ignorance of the nature of faith in speculation; as the child lives, though he knows not that it is so, nor can tell the conceipt of life, John xiv. 7, 8, compared with v. 16, 17; Acts xix. 2. l&f/ify, Wherever God begins to do good, either to reveal or quicken, He will not leave off, but will manifest Himself more and more, John xiii. 7; Mat. xiii. 31. He will perfect His work unto the end. igt/i/j There may be a real closing with Christ, and yet felt deadnes and hardness. A sick faith is a living faith, John v. 40, and xi. 25. Nor is the soul in this case to stand at a distance with Christ. 20th ly, The ‘’kingdom of heaven,” either outward or inward, “cometh not with observation,’’ John iv. 14; and the foundations of the temple maybe matter of mourning, and little glory seen therein: “The day of small things;” a great stream may proceed from a small fountain. The Lord comes not in the thunder nor earthquake, but in the “still voice. ?; We think, like Naaman, that when God comes to the heart, He will appear in visible glory, as some times He doth; yet at other times His voice is not heard in the streets, and He “groweth as a tender plant out of the dry ground,”’ and there is little beauty seen in Him. What a poor beginning was all this of a life of faith!