Relating Some Things Touching a Decay That Happened Immediately Thereafter
I fell in a sad decay both of light, and life, and consolation; the steps of it were: i. Step I. — Was unbelief and doubting of my interest in God, and of His love, through the mistakes of the nature of sanctification, and by a wrong construction of providences, and ignorance of the covenant of grace; so as I was in Job’s condition; though I had prayed, and God had answered me, yet could I not believe it; I could not believe I was so happy as to be converted. And having such sad thoughts of myself, I had a bad construction of God and all His ways to me, inasmuch as I thought God did in wrath take away my terrors. Ah! said I, time was when the Lord was taking pains with me, and did lay seige with the law against my soul, at which time I delighted in duties; He put me in His fire and furnace, but now will He take no more care of me; now hath He raised His siege, and given me over: Oh miserable man that I am! I am left now to the judicial plague of an hard heart, which hath seized upon me; I am to pine out the rest of my days in vanity, sin, and trouble. And when my heart was in any frame, this, said I, is but to make me secure that I may not fear; it is but a delusion. Which had these sad effects upon my soul; ist, Strange and hard thoughts of God as of an enemy, Luke xix. 21; Gen. iii. 5, as one that envied our good. 2dfy, I judged all that God said of His love in His word to be but wind at best, or compliments or snares to
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entrap; and so made Him a liar, i John v. 10, and by this means was made incapable to be taken with Christ’s allurements in the Gospel. $dfy, Hence I could neither love nor believe Him, nor by any means be drawn to Him, i Cor. xiii. 7, “Charity believeth all things.” For how could I love Him in whom I believed I had no other interest than that of a cruel judge ready to condemn, and watching for evil against me, and that when His “words were smoother than oil?” Psal. lv. 21; Zech. xi. 8. 4^/v, I had no will to keep communion with Him, was wearied of Him. When the Israelites said, “We have no portion or inheritance in the son of Jesse,” the next was, “Every man to his tents,” and did quit Him. Jer. iii. 19, “Thou shalt call Me, My Father, and shalt not depart from Me.” thly I was heartless or slight in duties, whereby He was honoured, and communion with Him entertained; wanting love and hope, Jer. xviii. 12; Lam, i. 9; Luke xix. 21. Through unbelief my hands were weakened, and I departed from the living God. 6thly, Finding no satisfaction in God, which I could not do whilst these principles remained, I behoved to have it elsewhere in the creature. Jer. ii. 13, “Forsaking of God, the fountain of living waters, and hewing to ourselves broken cisterns,” are joined, ithly, Sermons did me no good, because not heard with faith, Heb. iv. 2, whereas, if I had believed and trusted in God, I should be strengthened with the joy of His salvation, Neh. viii. 10; Prov. xvii. 22; 2 Cor. ii. 7.
2. Step II. — Notwithstanding of all this, I had hopes, that though as yet the Lord had not converted me, yet I might be converted, and therefore did not despair of it. Some secret thoughts in duties would drop in persuading me to hope, and some relish in duties. As likewise, since I was persuaded by a strong hand my sins were pardonable, and that the Lord possibly might pardon; this made me continue in the means. Satan therefore sought to beat me from this, or at least to make me remiss in them; and, knowing that palpable vanities would not do (for I had been burned with that candle already), therefore would compass this by making me close with an appearance of good, which He did thus: I studied stenography or shortwriting, in the study of which, aiming at perfection in it, I was excessive, and so taken up altogether from any other thing, that I could scarce get the form of duties gone about two times a day. In end I resolved to give way, cheated with this, that, the sooner I acquired knowledge herein, I should the sooner have leisure to wait on God; but however, this spirit of whoredom caused me to err, and took away my heart. This was the second mean of my decay.
3. Step III. — When I was called home, through want of godly company, and dead formal society among which I lived, I was brought a further length of decay, even to omit duties almost altogether; contenting myself ordinarily with bed-prayers, and slight reading of Scripture and godly books. Several things had influence on this; the want of a convenient room, a prevailing spirit of sloth that would not break through difficulties, some false hopes that all would be well. Sometimes my heart would secretly despair, and prophesy things would never be better, and it is in vain to pray; through these things it came to pass that my heart turned altogether out of tune, and heeded not my work at all. Now had preachings and sermons no relish at all; then did I see that fulfilled, “He that followeth vain persons shall become poor,” Prov. xxviii. 19; 1 Cor. xv. 33, “Evil company corrupteth good manners.”
4. Step IV. — Then, through want of the fear of God, and unwatchfulness, did I become vain and light in my conversation; I followed lies and vanities; I carded, complied with sinful customs, made no conscience of what company I came into, “inventing to myself instruments of music,”’ and seeking contentment from the creature. When company was away, my heart turned melancholy, but did not turn to God. I would pray when trysted with any disappointments; but still, through interruption, lost more ground than I gained, so as I went daily down the stream, and grew exceeding hard-hearted. Spiritual duties were a weariness and a burden; and thus I was not only discouraged and remiss in duties, slighting them altogether, but grew very untender and carnal in my conversation.
5. Whence a fifth step, which was, going to some relations to pass a visit, where there were many professors and much profession; but there I got a dead stroke, so as it is a wonder how ever I recovered; in a word, I turned desperate, and said, “There is no hope; I have loved idols, and after them I will go,” Jer. ii. 25. The grounds of this despair were, u/, A great and long account of sins that had run up upon me, which I thought would never be pardoned, Jer. ii. 28. 2dfy, The terrible hard frame of my heart, and great deadness I was in, so that I thought I would never recover again, John xi. 39; Ezek. xxxvii. 3, “Can these bones live?” Gen. xviii. n, 12. y//)’, Some fruitless vain attempts I made to recover myself; my strength wasted in vain; and hence I said, “This evil is of the Lord, and remediless, what should I wait on Him any more?” 2 Kings vi. 33. 4//2/J’, The complaints, doubts, and discouragements of others, and their unsuitable walking up to their principles, who yet were eminent for godliness in the estimation of others; they went with bowed down backs, and raised an ill report to me of the Lord and his ways; and therefore were my hands weakened by these spies, Num. xiii. 30. $thl) Their unloving carriage towards me, and keeping at a distance, and taunting me. At another time, seeking to join in with them, and to bear the burden of a good discourse lest it should die, I was put off with a taunt. It is true, my conversation at that time was not Gospel-like; yet they had beams in their own eyes, and they should have dealt in greater meekness with me, and kythed love by a friendly reprehension. This turned me averse to them, and to their way. Ezek. xxxiv. 21, They pushed with horn and side, and this produced scattering. 6thfy, I was but too much countenanced by others, and humoured and complied with; for I was given to foolish jesting, and they took but too much pleasure in this, and never once gave me a friendly warning or reproof, although my ways were displeasing to them: “The soul that lacketh instruction shall die.” ithly, Satan was beating in strange tentations on my soul, sometimes telling me I was judicially hardened since I could not mourn for my sins, and that it was ever so since my terrors were removed. And then that place, Isa. vi. 10, came to my mind, “Make the heart of this people fat.” Sometimes thinking my time was past, and my day gone, and that Christ had given His last knock, and that the door was shut. That place, Prov. i. 26, troubled me, “Because I called, and ye would not hear, therefore shall ye call, and I will not hear;” therefore, it is in vain now to cry or pray. Sometimes Satan said I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost, citing Heb. vi. 4. For it is true (was it suggested to me) thy blasphemies were not that sin, because thou didst that in unbelief, and not enlightened; but now thou hast been enlightened, and tasted of the powers of the world to come, and hast fallen away, and laid a new foundation from thy dead works for repentance, and therefore it is impossible to be renewed again; and this is the sin against the Holy Ghost. This raised not that terror in me which tentations of this kind were wont to do formerly; only made me heartless and discouraged me. And then would Satan add, Dost thou not mark how unmoved thou art with this heavy message, wThich would cause any other to tremble but thyself? And why art thou not shaken? Because the Lord has hardened thee like Pharaoh, that thou canst not hearken; the sentence is past, and the stone is laid upon thy grave; and now all thy life is gone, thou art twice dead, and plucked up by the roots. With these thoughts I was dung from duties and their cheerful exercise; with pleasures, company, and want of inward and outward exercise, I was kept in my security and strong bonds.
6. My sins were, 1.9/, Slighting and omitting of duties, public and private. 2dfy, Vain and light conversation like the world; the show of my countenance witnessed against me. dly, Idle jesting, Eph. v. 4. lthly, Breaking of the Sabbath with idleness and mine own words. $thly Following of the lusts of the flesh, and divers vanities. 6////r, Sensuality. 7////1’, Doing no good, neither glorifying God, nor edifying others, nor profiting myself. 8//i/y, Haunting vain company, and not reproving them. 9*hly, Sinful customs and recreations, though debated by some; such as healthing and playing at cards.
7. Notwithstanding of this, the Lord upheld me by His right hand, and kept in the dying spunk, that all these waters could not quite extinguish it; I fell not totally away, nor was I utterly forsaken of God, Jer. v. 5. For these things remained; 1st, I was put out to pray, meditate, and read now and then; I was not dung altogether from duties; I did not show myself to have no knowledge at all, in not calling on God, Psal. xiv. 4. 2dly, There remained a secret and quiet hope things would be well, and a looking up to Him; though cast down, yet not in despair, 2 Cor. iv. 8. $d/y, Love and affection to, and estimation of, the people of God, and delight in them, still remained, so as even then I loved them above others, tfhly, Dissatisfiedness with my present condition, groaning under and mourning when I remembered the days of old; this course was not pleasant, I was like a bone out of joint, these matters were not my element. $thl) Some love to my first husband remained, and a preferring of the first course and life, even in its worst, before this, even as one prefers the day to the night; and often would I say that word, with Job, “O that it were with me as in months past, when the candle of the Lord shined upon my head!” Job xxix. 2, 3, 4. 6////r, I knew that it was ill with me; though I slept, yet I was not so dead as to be without sense or knowledge altogether.
8. God’s ends in this, for anything I can learn, were only to give further proof of His love, in renewing His kindness, in sparing me whilst in this condition, in preserving me from turning apostate, and, in His time, graciously reviving me again with much pains and long labour. 2dl To keep me watchful in time coming, lest a worse thing befall me. Srfty) And to let me find the power of sin, and of my original corruption, more fully, 2 Chron. xxxii. 31. lthly, To keep me humble for ever after it, that I may not open the mouth, Ezek. xvi. 63.
9. These things had influence on my decay, mainly; isf, Want of outward and inward afflictions. I had no changes, therefore feared not God, Psal. lv. 19. The spurs were out of my side, terrors were away which drave me to duty. 2dly, In respect of the decay of that inward sweetness which accompanied duty formerly, God, having brought me out of Egypt into the wilderness, had withdrawn that; and, wanting these by-fleeces, I fell in my walk; “For this Moses, we know not what is become of him,” Exod. xxxii. 1. $dly, Through process of time the spirits wearied, and the impressions of things did wear away; and, being wearied, I desired sleep: “They rejoiced in His light for a season,” John v. 35; and, as the Galatians, did run well at the break. <lthh Many tentations from within and from without, which the Lord kept up before. Now the Lord let out my original corruption, and I found nothing but a dead hard heart from within and discouragement from without, and this made the way more hard. 5//2/V, The powerful means were removed; the good company and powerful sermons were gone which did feed me. 6thly, Godless company, that had no grace, with which I was trysted, that did eat out all religion out of me. 7 My, The formal, carnal, and lifeless conversation of some (much cried up) professors, made me even despair as it were. Zthly, Too eagerly following of lawful comforts, and employments, and studies, thly, Growing remiss in the exercise of duties, especially of private prayer and meditation, lof/i/y, Not looking to ills in the beginning, but letting them run on; not heeding things, or considering my ways, but sleeping; and therefore became my garden overspread with thorns, wthly, Want of knowledge and principles, whereby I became over credulous, and believed every thing that was suggested, lithly,
Unbelief and discouragements, whereby I concluded all lost and desperate, and God a hard master, and that I was not yet converted: an evil heart of unbelief in departing from God, Heb. iii. 12. i^My, Taken up with lesser matters, and not exercised with weighty truths and duties; taken up with trials of grace, and not exercised with common principles. lthly, Living by sense, and not by faith.
10. I observe these things from this decay of mine: 1st, It is ordinary, and an evil to be watched against, to fall away from that measure saints receive at their first conversion, Rev. ii. 4, 5, “Thou hast fallen from thy first love.” Tentations come, and God withdraws His strength and comfort; and in process of time the spirits weary, and this breeds fainting. 2d/y, Saints fall not away totally; something still remaineth, 1 John iii. 9, “His seed remaineth in him;” Cant. v. 2, “My heart waketh.” dly, Whatever the decay of saints be, yet the Lord ordinarily recovers them out of it again; “Though they fall, they shall arise,” Micah vii. 8. The slumbering virgins were at last awakened, Mat. xxv. 5, 7. 4th/y, Unbelief, especially in passing hard sentences on our own estate, and doubting of our sonship, the first and greatest cause of apostacy, Heb. iii. 1 2; therefore, Satan tempted Christ with this first: “If Thou be the Son of God.” Jer ii. 25, “There is no hope, we have loved idols.” My, A Christian thrives as he keeps up correspondence with God in private duties, especially secret prayer. Mat. xxvi. 41, “Pray, lest ye enter into temptation;” Exod. xvii. n. 6thly, A backslider ordinarily goeth a great length ere he recover, Jer. ii. 5, “They have deeply revolted, they have gone far from me.” 7 My, Saints are drawn from God by appearances of good, by seeming temptations; they are beguiled in the use of lawful comforts. We should watch much against this; “a tree to be desired to make one wise.” Sthfy, Backsliding and spiritual apostacy comes by degrees; he falls not all at once. Mat. xxv. The virgins first slumbered, then slept; hence it is called backsliding: a man quietly slides from God. gth/y, No
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means can reclaim a backsliding soul, nor make the ebbing soul flow, till the Lord’s hour come. It is a stroke of Omnipotence that makes the fever turn; no physician can stop the issue. Hos. xiv. 4, It is God that healeth backslidings. io////r, A man may contract in a way of backsliding such evils very quickly, that he will not for a long time get quite rid of. Sins and decays are very hard to cure, wthly, Persons are ordinarily very secure, and quiet and sleeping, in a decaying condition; they sleep while the Son of man is betrayed to sinners. 12////r, Sense and affections, without knowledge, do expose a soul to many evils, and make their case very uncertain and unstable. Children in understanding, 1 Cor. xiv. 20, are “tossed to and fro with every wind of doctrine,’’ Eph. iv. 14. ^thlyy A fiery temptation may be suspended and calmed; but, until it be cured by the Word, it will return again. All the time of this decay, my temptation of sinning the sin against the Holy Ghost did never recur, in respect it was once cured by the Word. 14^/1/y, 111 company, and peace in the world, are ill attendants of a backslider, Pro v. i. 32, “The prosperity of fools destroys them.” Oh it is sad when carnal company and a soul departing from God tryst together! *uWoe to him that is alone,” Eccl. iv. 10. $thly, A carnal generation of professors is greatly abominable to the Lord, and great plagues in the earth, especially to young beginners. Oh for the garments of praise! They raise an evil report; and ordinarily carnality and discouragement go together.