Declaring the Way and Manner of My Conversion, and of Some Things That Happened Then and Immediately Thereafter

Section I.

Of the Conversion itself. i. A BOUT the time that the related Providences hap- ./“”Y pened unto me, being at the University, and being at the age of seventeen or eighteen years, our minister proposed to celebrate the Sacrament of the Lord’s Supper, of which he gave warning the Sabbath preceding the celebration thereof, I purposed (I know not upon what ground) to partake thereof. I had always a reverent esteem of that ordinance, and was under the deep impressions of eating and drinking my own damnation. I knew I was in an unconverted condition, and that, if betwixt that day and the next Lord’s Day, I were not converted, that I would draw on myself a very grievous evil; and that, eating unworthily, I might give over hopes of ever thereafter being converted. The Lord did therefore put it in my mind, both by ordinary and extraordinary means, to do my utmost endeavour to win to a converted condition; nor was I of the judgment that conversion was within the compass of my own power, but I hoped that, doing diligence, the Lord might help; and for this cause set to work immediately, beseeching God that He would once effectually work upon my spirit, seeing all former means had been used in vain. I went to sermon, and I found a better relish in the sermon than I had wont to find, and had an ear to hearken more attentively than at other times. After we were gone from church, I spent the rest of the day in spiritual exercises, and so was continuing very diligent in seeking the Lord, growing daily in the knowledge and love of His ways, seeing a beauty, and finding a relish that I never knew before. Books and discourses of practical divinity were only sweet, and so were spiritual exercises. I had now tasted of the wine, but had not bought it.

2. But on Wednesday, by six o’clock at night, finding by marks I had read in books that I was not converted, and not getting that extraordinary thing I expected, and withal fully resolved to partake of the Sacrament, I feared that I should eat and drink damnation to my own soul, and then that the remedilessness of my condition would be out of doubt. Sometimes I thought that I would suspend communicating at that time; and if this resolution had prevailed, I would not have troubled myself with religion at that time: for this was the day of my visitation, and this made me take pains even to eat and drink worthily. Therefore, hoping still for some good, I continued in my resolution; but as I said, when I saw all in vain, and that I met not with what I expected, though I met with more than ever I did before, discouragements did quite overwhelm me, and fears of drawing on more guilt did load me; and, withal, this apprehension lay heavy on me, and haunted me like a ghost, That it was in God’s mind never to do me good: so that fear, discouragement, vexation, and despair, and some horror and grief, did all take hold of me. I resolved to set the next day apart for fasting, and therein to seek God, hoping that these extraordinary means might do something. Hanging, therefore, by the small thread, I went to prayer with many sad complaints; and the Lord, while I was like the prodigal son yet a great way off, ran to meet me. I addressed myself to - speak to the Lord Christ, and then was there a Gospel view given me of Him; and some considerations and representations of Christ were brought into my mind, that He was the Mediator, a friend, and Saviour to poor sinners, their only helper, the way, and the truth, and the life, that died for them, and one willing to be reconciled. What shall I say? While I was thus exercised, a marvellous light shined on my understanding, and with the eyes of my mind, not of my body, I saw that Just One in His glory, and love, and offices, and beauty of His person; such a sight as I never did see anything like it, and which did so swallow me up as I turned speechless, and only said, What is this? And where am I now? The glory, love, and loveliness of Jesus, revealed to me, did very far exceed all that ever I saw or could see in the world, insomuch that there was no comparison. I was drawn by this, and after I had recovered, I said, O Lord, Thou hast overcome me! Heart and hand, and all that I have, is Thine; I am content to live and die with Thee. Begone, poor world, and beggarly vanities, and despiteful devil and flesh, I will serve you no longer; I know now of a master and lover to whom henceforth I will dedicate myself. Now are all my doubts loosed; and now I see that I have not sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost. What shall I now do for the Lord? Let heaven and earth, angels and men, praise Him: for He hath looked graciously upon me, and that in my low condition. What am I, or my father’s house, that Thine eye should be cast on me? There followed upon this such liberty as I thought I could spend the whole night in prayer. Now was I persuaded that I was converted, and was come to that pitch which formerly I wanted; and all the clouds evanished which were betwixt the Lord and my soul. This continued in its strength only for a quarter of an hour, and then it abated as to its measure, though not altogether; but something remained. After I rose from prayer, I went to the fields, nnd there sang songs of triumph. I comforted myself in my new condition, and prophesied to myself much more, soeing these were but the beginnings. Nor did I think that my happiness could be equalled by any; and now was

I fully content to communicate. I longed for some quiet place to pour out my soul unto the Lord; for I thought He would return, but He did it not. I bore the first repulse, hoping that at last the Lord would return. All scruples, fears, and doubts, were banished. I went to bed; and when I was lyen down, Now, said I, sleep securely, and so thou mayest, seeing thou art reconciled to God. Never could I do it one night before; but now let heaven and earth go together. I thought now, no Scriptures for me but such as were directed to saints, and therefore read some chapters of the Second Epistle of Peter, but found little life. This did shake me. I read some on Isaac Ambrose, and some marks he had of worthy communicants, of faith, love, and knowledge, and the evidence of the Spirit shining. I thought I had these marks; yet the withdrawing of my life and glory raised doubts in me, until, by prayer, again I got some of the glory of Christ seen, which revived me. And I was much affected with reading Isaac Ambrose’s “New Birth,” and I thought there was never anything so sweet.

SECTION II.

Of some Tentations and Clouds which thereafter followed, and how delivered out of them.

i. The Lord withdrawing that comfortable presence which I enjoyed before, humbled me very much, and mists began to arise, and the sky to darken. But that which indeed raised my exercise to some height was reading on Shepherd’s “Sound Believer,” wherein he describes the manner of true conversion. And as I read, I apprehended that God hath not dealt thus with me, and that I had not found such a work on my spirit as he describes (this was through misunderstanding him), and therefore that I was not as yet converted; and therefore that my communicating would be still an eating unworthily. And seeing what I met with was not Christ, I knew not who he might be, or what I should do; and so was turned desperate. This wrought sorrow in my heart for a natural condition, and I sought the Lord in heaviness of heart, and indeed was not idle; but discouragements increased, and still nothing but absence, insomuch as I thought my condition worse than ever. I sought the Lord night and day, as much through sense of the danger of the want of Him as through anything else; but all would not do. Neither weekly sermons, books, counsels, nor prayers, could draw Jesus till His hour was come. I was then but ignorant, and knew not how to live by faith, and, wanting sense, was discouraged. The Sabbath came on which the sacrament was to be given; my fears and sorrows increased, and I was tempted not to communicate. There was one Mr R. B. serving the tables; he proponed an objection which some doubting Christians might have: “Many will say,” saith he, “Oh! I fear to draw on more guilt in my communicating. But, Oh!” said he, “would to God that there were many of this judgment! But I will tell thee, poor doubting thing, whether thou mayest come or not. Tell me, wast thou seeking Christ or not this week?” “Yes,” quoth I quietly. “It is like thou hast found something then. And did Christ drop in myrrh in the lock of the door of thy heart ere He went away? Know it, poor soul, He will come again, for that is His token; and thou mayest come here, and in His name I invite thee.” This drew me to come, though I found no sensible presence at the time; and thereupon ensued great fears. Yet the same Mr R. B. did, in the afternoon, encourage me again, so as I resolved to pluck up my heart again.

2. I finding these discouragements did no good, and that comforting of my heart did no ill, did resolve to cheer myself, and used some general encouraging considerations to myself, and therewith was some way strengthened to go about my generation work. Thou art now engaged to be the Lord’s servant; wait upon Him, and trust thy reward unto Him. This advice did no ill. Thereafter sermons were very sweet unto me, and so was the exercise of all spiritual duties, so as I grew in the knowledge of the ways of God; and the more I knew, I was the more delighted in Him. Every spiritual duty did relish with me, and I was not well but when out of one duty into another; yea, the most cold prayers and discourses anent godliness were sweet, and opportunities of prayer and getting good were highly prized by me. I began, within a month’s time thereafter, to be more slack; but the Lord warned me of it, and I mended my pace.

3. Thus was the everlasting seed sown that was the light of glory then arising upon my soul. But this did not long continue; for thereafter shortly there arose a more grievous storm, and of longer continuance than any I had met with yet: for the sacrament being to be given in the town about that time, I resolved to partake thereof, to see if I could get anything from God; and for this cause prepared myself diligently, and went about the work of self-examination. But being but young, and having small experience of my own heart, I could get little clearness; however, this exercise stirred up some things ready to die in me, and I did still grow in the knowledge and love of the truth; until one afternoon, which I had set apart for seeking of God, I was reading on Luke, 2 2d chap., where Christ did eat the passover with His disciples; and reading these words, “and the twelve apostles with Him,” I know not how it came to pass, but, reflecting on my deadness in reading such love as this, I concluded I had no grace; and, withal, observing how Christ was so familiar with His apostles, and how unkind to me, the apprehensions of distance and separation from Christ were so fearful, that incontinently the wind was up very boisterous, and I was brought again to the rack. Then did my evil nature discover itself to me, and then did I murmer and fret against God, that was so kind to others, and yet kept such distance with me. I envied, as I thought, the very apostles with some despite, as I conceived. Fretting and murmuring did but like rain increase the floods, and nowise abate them; so that in sorrow and bitterness of heart, I walked up and down for want of God, whom I could not find, nor knew how to seek, and under the sensible apprehensions of His wrath, and of an unconverted condition. All these things, with the fearful frame of my spirit, did put me in great horror, so that I utterly lost almost all hope. But these winds, through some process of time, were calmed, and in one of my calm fits I read on Shepherd’s “Sincere Convert,” this being the first time I ever saw it. I had not read four leaves of him when I was thrown on my back. The first arrow that did stick in my reins, and went into my heart, was from these words: “The children of God do nothing for fear of hell; they loathe to live like slaves in Bridewell, and like dogs for fear of the whip.” Upon this my slavish acting was discovered, and therefore I concluded, that wanting that kindly spirit that acts out of love, which, indeed, as then did not appear being under a strong fit of the spirit of bondage; I say, not finding this, I concluded I was yet “in the gall of bitterness.” I went after dinner through the fields, and read that book all through; and the power of God was present. And reading what lengths hypocrites might come, and the sadness of an unconverted condition, and the great difficulty of saving conversion, I was wounded through and through. My condition was now worse than ever, and I was brought to a certain despair; only I knew not what to think of the last glorious sight I had of Christ. But as I read forward I was put out of that doubt. In the same authors discourse of a false spirit, which is a means by which a false peace is begotten, he goes on and compares it with the Spirit of God, and saith, “That as the Spirit of God doth humble, so likewise doth the false spirit; and that this false spirit did reveal Christ, and fill the soul with glorious apprehensions of Him, so that the man seems to be wrapt up to heaven, and hence cries, ‘My Lord, and my God.’” Here was all thou met with, said my conscience: this did put the business out of all doubt, and I counted what I met with formerly but a delusion of Satan. And here all props were taken away, and by this means a

breach was made to all tentations to enter in; and the devil seeing his time, entered in with a whole sea of horrors. Then was brought to my mind my old sin of blasphemy again, and vehemently urged that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost, which with such violence he pressed, as I could get nothing spoken for myself. And that which did heighten all this was, that the law brake in upon me, that sin might become exceeding sinful, and wrought in me all manner of disobedience; for my heart murmured, fretted, and swelled against God for guiding me thus; and having terrible apprehensions of Him, I could not love Him. And now, said conscience, see how thou smellest already of hell; how canst thou imagine that God will look upon thee that hast such a cursed nature? The brand of the reprobate is upon thee; why wilt thou therefore pray or hope any more? Yet notwithstanding would I pray, and that frequently; I know not what put me out to it. Many times did I grovel on the ground, and sought His favour, pity, and compassion; then was it that my tears were my meat: then was prayer bitterness to me, and my mouth closed, and I as it were bound with bands; for God was never more terrible than when I approached to Him in prayer. I remember one day praying out in the fields, I had this expression: Lord, said I, if Thou wilt for nothing else compassionate me, yet compassionate my young years; and yet I know not how Thou canst break Thy faithful word, who hast said that such as sin against the Holy Ghost shall never be pardoned. Nature seeks its own preservation, and, therefore, having no other shift to make, I applied myself to the Lord only. And now my greatest trouble was concerning the unpardonableness of my sins, especially that particular sin of blasphemy; yet would my spirit calm betwixt hands, and be at ease for a while. I thought the devil had a great hand in my tentations; for, said I, while I was walking after the flesh there was nothing of this seen or heard; but since I have come to, and engaged with Christ, and followed His ways, is all this come upon me; it is not likely that this is in wrath, or from God. I continued in the extremity of this condition but a few days, never opening my case to any, being bashful. I was sent for by my relations upon some emergent occasion that did fall out. I was glad of the opportunity, because by that means I should shun the sacrament that was to be given about that time; but, coming there, my tentations and horrors increased. I thought every creature happy but myself; meat, drink, and company, were a burden unto me. 4. That which did mainly trouble me was my particular sin of blasphemy, which did in my apprehension render my condition helpless and hopeless. 2dly, The evil and terribleness of a natural condition, and the exceeding great difficulty of saving conversion. Sty, The swelling and raging of my heart with hatred and enmity against God, “that sin might become exceeding sinful,’’ Rom. vii. 7. tfhly, This was a terrible consideration, and took away the comfort of all means, that all I did was sinful, because it did proceed from me; and therefore I was many times dung back from prayer by this, Why comest thou to Him, who hates and loathes every work of thy hands? $thly Unsuccessfulness of means for a long time, whereby I concluded my case to be desperate, and no cure for it at all. 6thly, These words sounded terribly in my heart, and were violently beaten in upon me, God will damn thee, He has decreed it, it is impossible it should be otherwise, jtAly, The consideration of the great number that should be damned, and the paucity of such as should be saved. Zthly, My great frustrating in respect of former enjoyments, Psal. cii. 10, “He hath raised me up, and cast me down.” gthly, Terrible

dreams and night visions of hell and judgement, lothly, Fearful apprehensions of God, who was represented to me as a consuming fire, and an angry judge. Upon all this, lastly, ensued a terrible despair, prophesying that things would never be better. Hell did not trouble me much, but Cxod’s wrath, and separation from Him, did lie heaviest on me; and this was the evil that I did see and feel in sin. The devil’s end in afflicting with a particular sin was to cause me despair, and to take off my thought of any other consideration.

5. While I was thus hopeless and helpless, not knowing what to do, to aggravate all my miseries, I was to hear a dead, lifeless preacher. Ah! and must I, said I, have this with all my evils, to come under a dead ministry? But I went with the rest, thinking it indifferent whom I heard, seeing I saw it beyond the power of means to help me. The text was, 1 Tim. i. 1, “Paul an apostle of Jesus Christ.” I went betwixt sermons to a secret place, and there poured out my soul to God in prayer; but no refreshing. I came unto the afternoon’s sermon again; but behold the Lord’s goodness! from an unexpected hand, and from so general a text, and at such an unexpected time, the Lord did send a calm, and did that which I thought was impossible, viz., clear me fully (when I was capable of nothing less, and after all my considerations had been in vain) that I had not sinned unpardonably, from these words which he cited in his sermon, “Howbeit, God forgave me, because I did it ignorantly and in unbelief.” The Spirit said, Whatever thy sins have been, they have been done in unbelief, or whilst thou wast an unbeliever, when thou knewest nothing of God, though they were not done ignorantly; all thy sins were committed in a time when there was not so much as a common work of the Spirit, producing a common temporary faith. This was enough; God may make anything strong to do His work. The devil and all his storms were rebuked and calmed, and that suddenly, and so fully, that I was never thereafter assaulted with temptations of sinning against the Holy Ghost. My heart was made holy, and I put on a full resolution to seek the Lord till I should find Him, and do all in my power for this effect. And now I had good hopes, seeing my sins were pardonable; and this hope produced a cheerful endeavour to seek the Lord, which I did, and was labouring to do good unto others. and to spread the knowledge of Christ, by which means I daily grew in the knowledge and love of God. The books I most read on were, Shepherd, Fenner, and “Practice of Piety,” and “Confession of Faith.” God did bless all to me, though I was not to my own apprehensions converted, but waiting for some glorious manifestation of Christ, which should suddenly, and fully and sensibly change me; and, waiting for this, I continued in this case for the space of a month.

SECTION III.

Other things relating to my Conversion, and the Lord’s dealing with me, considered.

1. I look upon this as the time of my conversion, and that then the everlasting seed was sown; that heaven was begun, and Christ formed within me, upon these considerations: 1st, Because I found my heart changed as to my company; I hated the most strict before, but now I immediately found I loved and delighted most in the most holy and strict people; so that the persons whom before I hated upon the account of some disobligements, I now loved and followed: and this love was universal, so as, when either I heard tell of a godly man, or saw him, my heart warmed; and the “love of the brethren” I look on as a sign that I am “translated from death to life,” 1 John iii. 14. idly, Because I found a new esteem of, a great delight in, and love to, and longing after all the ordinances of Christ and His commands; I saw a glory in them, I relished them, every thing that savoured of God was sweet, 1 Pet. ii. 2, which I never found before. $d/y, Because I found my heart at that instant mortified to the world, and the esteem of and delight in it gone, 1 John ii. 15. 4th/y, Because my soul did see, esteem, love, and delight in the Lord Jesus above all, and preferred Him not only to the world, but to the saints, duties, and ordinances: and made a perpetual, cordial, and personal covenant to live with Him and serve Him, Psal. lxxiii. 25, 26; 2 Sam. xxiii. 5. $thly, I found a glorious, universal, and abiding change, wrought by the Lord Himself, “from sin and Satan to God, and from darkness to light,” 2 Cor. v. 17, “All things were then new.” 6thi>, I was carried with a great zeal for the Lord against all sin and sinners; and did strive to draw all men to Christ, by instructing and exhorting them, Prov. x. 21, “The lips of the righteous feed many;” and, Luke xxii. 32, “When thou art converted, strengthen others.” Then, Jtftfy, I found a new light discovering to me the mysteries of the kingdom of God, and making me from that time forward to understand the Scriptures the exercise of saints recorded in Scripture; and I delighted not only in the history or relation of the Scripture, but in the prophecies, promises, doctrines, and spiritual part thereof, which I never relished before, Prov. ii. 10, and viii. 9. Then was wisdom and her ways pleasant, and became plain to me, which were before locked up and a mystery, Matt. xiii. 11. St/i/v, In respect of the Lord’s after-dealing with me, and of His former dealing; for He was preparing me before, and dinging me out of my false rests. And ever thereafter, although there have been tentations, and shakings, and interruptions, yet hath that spunk never died which was kindled, but hath been growing at last, more and more; some good ever remained, and in my sorest decays, the impressions of God’s dealing at this time remained, so as there was a longing after the first husband, which was the means to reduce me out of a backsliding condition. And therefore I look upon it as the “well of water springing up to everlasting life;” and that, in that respect of the remaining seed, I think I am “born of God,” 1 John iii. 9. Hypocrites rejoice but for a season.

2. I have looked on the Lord’s dealings towards me, and what this manifestation of Himself in such a manner as I never had the like all my life might speak to me, and what might be the ends thereof: and, after inquiry, I found

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them to be, ist, To draw the soul to God by faith and love. He lets taste His wine, that it may be bought; and therefore is there a “seeing of the Son and a believing on Him,” John vi. 40; John xx. 29. Oh love and come to this glorious One, and, having discovered Him to be the “Lord of glory, open the everlasting doors,” Psal. xxiv. 7, 9, yea, and when this love is dead, quicken it again, by remembering Him. 2d/y, To strengthen our faith in His love, and our hope of heaven; and therefore hath He given this testimony of His love, revealing to me that rare sight hid from the world, to be a pledge and earnest of heaven; and upon this to build and strengthen my faith, both in drawing near to Him, and expecting all good from Him. This revelation of Jesus, enlightening, comforting, and sanctifying, is to me the earnest of the inheritance, and seal of the Spirit, mentioned Eph. i. 13, 14; 2 Cor. i. 22, “Which is the earnest of our inheritance.” $dfy, To comfort me in my choice, showing that I have not casten away all for shadows, and what I am to expect in heaven, of which already I have tasted, t Cor. ii. 9, “Eye hath not seen,” etc. thly, To manifest and make known Himself in His condescending power and glory, of which I might doubt if I had not seen with mine own eyes. Why should I doubt of this His power, when I have myself seen such a miracle, the blind eye opened, the dead heart quickened, and the heart wholly changed? “He that believeth hath the witness in Himself,” 1 John v. 10. Oh to be raised from hell to heaven!

3. I have likewise been thinking what this storm immediately ensuing upon this should mean; and my being cast down to hell, after lifting up to heaven, w/, To let me see the evil of mine own heart, and exceeding sinfulness thereof, which in such a degree I never saw before; and by the murmuring and rising of my heart, and fierce resistance

1 made, I perceive that by nature I am a bitter enemy to God, and a toad full of poison and venom. To humble me, and to acknowledge His grace and love the more, Job. i. 11;

2 Chron. xxxii. 31. 2dfy, To be a ground of faith when in like straits and cases again, and to have a proof of His power; the Lord in my extremity, when there was no appearance of help, when there was nothing in me but frowardness and rebellion, when I cried, yet pitied me, conquering both my sin and misery. And why should I doubt Him now again? He ever helped me when in extremity, yea, when my case was most desperate, Rom. v. 4; 1 Sam. xvii. 37; 2 Tim. iv. 17, 18; 2 Cor. i. 10; Psal. lxiii. 7. lydly, To acquaint me with the Lord’s ways of conversion, and with His terrors, that I might thereby be a better guide unto others, and be made more serious, 2 Cor. i. 4, and v. 14; Psal. xxxiv. 4, 5, 6, 11. lthly, That God might by me show a pattern of all long-suffering, who obtained mercy being so wild, 1 Tim. i. 16. $thl To show His justice as He is the governor of the world, I was very wicked, and by the law deserved severe punishment; I trampled on God’s kindness and goodness. And therefore did the righteous Lord make me find sin bitter, and for this cause delivered me over to Satan: He took me in His own hand and corrected me, not willing that I should die and be condemned either with or for the world, 1 Cor. xi. 32; 2 Sam. xii. 13, 14. 6//z/r, To hold out and represent (to others) the Lord’s goodness, love, and condescendency, that by this experience of His love my heart might be endeared to Him, Psal. cxvi. 1, “I will love the Lord, because He hath heard my prayers.” Which love of His was kythed in delivering me from so great depths so unexpectedly and by Himself, and so fully and clearly after all means had been used in vain; and to me who was so ignorant and wild, and by my unbelief and murmuring more wild, yet He came over all, and “freed me from my fears,” Isa. lvii. 16, 17, 18. Jth/y, To ding out the bottom of that tentation, and to pluck it out by the roots, whereby I was made to believe that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; which the Lord did now so fully and clearly, that I never after was troubled with it. And this was all Satan gained by this encounter. $th/v, I think it was a

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mean to make me live by faith, and to spean me from sense, 1 Pet. i. 24, 25, seeing by experience I found that all these sensible glories are but grass that withers, and so not to be leaned on; but the Lord’s word endureth for aye.

4. I will conclude with remarking some instructions and lessons I learned from these providences. 1st, It is more sure to live by faith than by sense; the life of sense is a life of uncertainties, exposed to assaults, 2 Cor. v. 7; 1 Pet. i. 24. 2dly, There is ordinarily in the day of espousals something extraordinary of God’s love and glory manifested; the fatted calf is killed when first the prodigal is brought home, Luke xv. 22, 23. No less can assure them of their Father’s love, nor take away their wildness, and make diem comply with their new life. Hence, Hos. ii. 15, “I will make thee sing as in the days when I brought thee out of the land of Egypt.” ^dfy, The soul in conversion closeth chiefly with the person of Christ, Jer. iv. 1, “If thou wilt return, return to Me;” and the not doing hereof is complained of, Hos. vii. 16, “They return, but not to the Most High.” lthly, Grace makes a great, wonderful, and universal change, changing the outward life and inward frame, 2 Cor. v. 17, “All things are new;” new prayers, new love, new company, new opinions, and new principles. A man is much different from what he was, not only while a profane man, but even while a civil or moral man under some common work. 5////1’, One main way by which a gracious frame is kythed is in love to the saints, and joining with them, Acts ix. 26. Converted Paul essayeth to join himself with the disciples. 6thly, There may be much corruption to be mortified in a soul newly brought in to God, and under great flashes. For notwithstanding of all this diligence, delight in duties and joy, I was full of ignorance, unbelief; selfish, proud, conceited and light. Grace is indeed but small when it begins, Mat. xviii. 3; Mark iv. 31, unknown to themselves; little faith, patience, and rooted love, though some flashes there may be. Tthly, The Lord draws sweetly and gently; and, in the work of conversion, much of His love, of His power, and of His glory, is outed and expressed in that act and work, John x. 16, and vi. 44, 45; Hos. xi. 3, 4. The work of conversion hath much of God engraven on it. &t/ify, Greatest flo wings have greatest ebbings, Psal. cii. 10, “Thou hast lifted me up, and cast me down.” Mat. iii. 17, with Mat. iv. 1; 2 Cor. xii. 4, 7. gt/ify, Sudden and extraordinary flashes of joy and spiritual enlargements are more dangerous, and not so firm, as that which is less sensible and attained by degrees and pains. The bad grounds received the word with joy, and sprang up suddenly; but the good grounds bring forth fruit with patience, Luke viii. 15, and Mat xiii. 20. iot/ify, Whatever good comes suddenly (let it be sincere, or unsound, and so but an appearing good) will not continue in that height, but these tides and inundations will come to their ordinary channel again, some seeds and impressions and dippings may remain, but “all flesh is grass,” 1 Pet. i. 24. “We walk by faith, and not by sight,” 2 Cor. v. 7. I had never an extraordinary enlargement, either of joy, strength, or sanctification, but the waters dried up. There are no sudden steps in grace; “I will not drive them out all at once,” Exod. xxiii. 29. “They shall go from strength to strength,” Psal. lxxxiv. 7. “The kingdom of heaven is like leaven,” that leavens all insensibly, Mat. xiii. 33. Be content to get matters wrought by degrees, strength, labour, and pains; and murmur not at the tediousness thereof, neither expect great things suddenly; or if you meet with some such thing, look not for the continuance thereof, till by degrees ye come up to it. ut/ify, Little difference appearing from a sudden rapture of joy betwixt what is in saints and hypocrites, it were wisdom, when we examine our estate, to examine rather by the whole course of the life, than by one particular work. Continued

kindness to the Lord speaks more than any particular enjoyment, though never so extraordinary, Psal. xxiii. 6, and xxxvii. 37, “Mark the perfect man’s end;” see what all ends in. Conclude not peremptorily from beginnings of any either as to good or evil; I could build little on this, if I did not see it backed with an after-tract of kindness; or else might have thought it the tasting of the powers of the world to come. The great visible difference of the good ground from the stony ground was a fruit brought forth to perfection. Foolish virgins’ lamps will go out at last, Mat. xxv. 2thly, The more pains and the longer continuance the work of preparation will be of, the deeper; the more solid and glorious the superstructure will be, Mat. xiii. 21, “It wanted deepness of earth.” i$thly. Unbelief and doubting of interest is Satan’s first tentation to apostacy, Luke iv. 3; Heb. iii. 12; Jer. ii. 28; Lam. i. 9, for I found, when unbelief came, it made a breach for all other evils, lthly, Legal terrors in themselves tend to evil, though God accidentally drives good in them; and therefore not to be simply desired or cherished, 1 John iv. 18; Gal. iv. 24, 30; Rom. vii. 9, yet the Lord brings “meat out of the eater.” $thly, One main evil young converts are subject unto is mistakes (as we may see by Scripture examples and our experiences), especially anent the nature of sanctification and God’s love, which, until cleared, is matter of sad exercise. I had many mistakes, which were as breaches leaving me open continually, and for many years, to the assaults of the enemy; of which I will speak afterwards. 16t/ify, Not one remarkable circumstance of Providence wherewith His people are trysted, whether sweet or sour, good or evil, but in the end proves there was mercy in it, Psal. xxv. 10, “All His ways are mercy and truth to them that fear Him;” which, though for a while, through our not regarding it, or unbelief misconstructing all, appears not, yet it is so, and God usually discovers it after many days. For, after a long while reflecting on times past, I saw in them so much of God, that I never before considered, that I found matter of blessing God for all, Rom. viii. 28, “All things work for good;” even their sins and desertions. 1 7 //z/>’, God Himself is more eminently seen, in the mercies of His people, than instruments; and therefore ordinarily none doth good but Himself* and that not in the way, thing* manner, and time, they propose unto themselves, but as He proposes. “There was no strange God with Him,” Deut. xxxii. 12. “O people saved by the Lord,” Deut. xxxiii. 29; Psal. lxviii. 35, and xviii. 31, 32. iSt/i/y, It is possible folks may meet with more sharp convictions after conversion than before, especially if they have not been well hammered with the law, Heb. x. 32, ‘lfter ye were enlightened, ye endured a great fight of afflictions;’’ which are not to be confined to outward, but inward likewise; Heman may still suffer terrors, Psal. lxxxviii. throughout. And I question if Job ever found such work as afterwards. I grant they “have not received the spirit of bondage” (which is one’s constant frame), hence Hannah is called “a woman of a sorrowful spirit.” Before conversion (except when madness made me rejoice), death and judgment were continually terrible unto me, and “through fear of death, was kept all my lifetime in bondage,” Heb. ii. 15, but now it is but in fits. A fearer of God may “sit in darkness, and have no light,” Isa. 1. to. But though they create sorrow and discouragements unto themselves, and love to swim in these black streams, yet have not they received this spirit of bondage, but the Spirit of adoption, and they may come to God as a Father. This is their allowance, and the new nature and seed of grace tend to

this; yet preternaturally, and by accident through mistakes and corruptions, it is hindered that it vents not itself in these filial motions, and will in end do it; yet, trysted with dispensations of Providence, they may be troubled with this spirit of bondage. Howsoever they take it and harbour it, yet they received it not of God; “Perfect love casteth out fear,” 1 John iv. 18; it is not their allowance.