Relating Some Things Concerning God's Dealings with Me While Under Some Common Work of the Spirit and Not Fully Converted

Ere I was really and fully converted, and drawn to God in Christ, I advanced four steps; and in every one of them I had undoubtedly rested, and so, missing of Christ, had undoubtedly perished, if I had not been beaten out of them: but the Lord seeing me ready to rest in these, made them all to break under me, until at last He revealed His Son Jesus to my soul, whom to know is life eternal.

Step I. — Was the getting some prayers by heart, and saying of them in a formal way morning and evening; so that now I was complete as I thought: the Lord was likewise then drawing my heart to what was good; for when I said my prayers morning and evening, and did not slight them, then had I very much peace and comfort of heart; and when I omitted them, I was vexed in my conscience. Sometimes for a while together I would omit seeking of God through sloth, and then would I be terrified with fearful dreams, the voice of which I thought was a rebuke for omitting of my prayers; and for a while thereafter I would be very zealous; and, when I did any kind of duty, I would not be troubled at all; and what evil soever came upon me, I judged it to be for the omission of my duties, which I looked upon as my greatest sin. By these means, as the most meet and fit for me then, did the Lord seek to cause me follow good, and to eschew evil.

But this continued not long, for I decayed; and so thereby I was beaten from this, as I was from other resting places. The means and occasions were, (i) Those who should have overseen me grew careless; they let me alone, and took no account of me at all, but entrusted me to others; and therefore, having no king I did what was right in my own eyes, Judg. xvii. 6. (2) The Lord, after He had several times drawn me to the yoke by fearful dreams and some small convictions, finding then that the impressions of these things wore off me, that I slipped out of the collar again, and, not intending that this should be my rest, did not trouble me; and I not having changes, but being let alone, let God and duty alone, Psal. lv. 19. (3) Because it was but common grace, and my soul being not united to Christ the fountain, hence anything I had vanished and perished, John xv. 4. (4) Several lusts not being destroyed, but kept, notwithstanding of all my duties, especially pleasures, did in the end choke any good that was sown, Luke viii. 14. (5) Evil company did me likewise much harm; and, through continual converse with them, I was transformed into their image, 1 Cor. v. 6 and xv. 33. (6) Because, if this had not broken under me, I would have rested here, and so, coming short of Christ, would have perished, Mic. ii. 10. (7) Because I got not full rest and contentment in God, and, wanting it in Him, I behoved to go out to my lusts for it at last, Matt. xii. 44. The unclean spirit goeth out wanting rest, and finding none: hence he returns. (8) Because my decay came by degrees, and not all at once; and therefore still I thought I would overtake it and therefore said, “Yet a little sleep, a little slumber:” and the longer I continued, the more indisposed I grew, and greater difficulties I found, Prov. xxiv. 33, 34. Through these means mainly it was that I fell from this state, so that I neglected duty altogether, and at last did so without a challenge, and gave but too much way to other sins, until God used new means, and made another assault, which He did shortly thereafter, thus:

Step II. — Was the zealous performance of some duties, especially prayer. Before, I had nothing but conned lessons, but now I could bake my own bread; and I know not how and wonder still at it, that, having so little knowledge, I could yet be able to conceive a prayer, and continue therein for some reasonable time, and not only so, but to delight in it likewise, and that in a greater measure than I did formerly. The occasion was this: My father was sick and like to die, and then sent for me, having provided a chaplain to the house, who was to have the oversight of me likewise. He was a godly, tender-hearted man, but none of the deepest reach: and his zeal appeared still the more, in that there was nothing among ourselves but either ignorance, profanity, or formality; while he seemed to follow the power of godliness, for which he was generally hated and despised. He was a great enemy to vice, such as drunkenness, Sabbath-breaking, and swearing, ills common enough in the family and country; and being continued our chaplain after my father’s death (for about that time he died), he set himself to spread the sincere knowledge of God, and to do good to others; and for this cause, instructed, reproved, and set them upon the practice of duties. I coming home, was delivered over to him, and to his oversight, which was a great grief to me, not relishing his strictness. The first night, I would have gone to bed without prayers; but, as I was putting off my clothes, he marked my design, and commanded I should fall down on my knees and recommend myself to God e’er I went to bed, which I obeyed, and said over my evening prayer I had before got by heart, he reading his book in the meantime.

When I was in my bed, the consideration of my new yoke did put me out to weep bitterly. The man was lean and hard-favoured, and kept at a great distance from me, and was very precise, an humour I was never before acquainted with; as likewise, I was secretly fearing the imposition of greater burdens upon me. I comforted myself by a little vent I gave my sorrows,

But to return. One day as we were talking more familiarly than ordinarily we were wont, he desired to hear my prayers. I thereupon repeated both morning and evening prayers I had learned formerly. To which, he giving attention, and knowing both by the matter, and my way of repeating them, that they were a conned lesson, which I had some way learned from others, he told me that, unless I had got the Spirit of God to teach me to pray, I could not go to heaven; and that all other prayers proved ineffectual. And, thereupon, a while after, he in all his exhortations to me addressed to speak against set forms of prayer, and pressed us that were children to express the pure and real conceivings of our own hearts, though we should but utter five sentences at a time, and that this, coming from the heart, was better and more acceptable to God than many and long prayers taught us by others. He likewise taught us the principles of religion, the meaning of the Belief, the Lord’s Prayer, and Ten Commands; and had a very strict eye over us, correcting us soundly for cursing, swearing, lying, and Sabbath-breaking; and observed our ways narrowly, and took a strict account of us, both as to what we learned, and of our practices, but especially of me; so that, in a short time, through the Lord’s blessing, I attained to some competent measure of knowledge, and left my former ways, and set about secret and public duties, being about eleven years at this time; and use made duties easy; and the peace I had in them, with the hopes of a reward, and the influence of a natural conscience, made me delight in them, so as in a short time I went about them no longer by constraint, but did them of mine own accord and willingly, and sometimes would exceed what was enjoined me. Every day, morning and evening, I would bow my knee, and read some portion of Scripture, and would pray a conceived prayer at some length, and with some earnestness, but had no spiritual exercise, and had no communication with God: I likewise began to comply with my pedagogue better, and to love him better; and he seeing me profit both in letters and godliness, was more kindly to me: nor could he be said for all his strictness to be rigid to me, insomuch that for the space of a whole year I remember not that I was twice whipt, and one time was for swearing and playing at cards. During the time which he was with me, being a year and a half, I learned the most of my grammar; but this being not my rest, I fell grievously away from all this profession and practice.

2. The steps of this decay were, (1) Wantonness and lightness in time of public prayers, through a foolish light humour, and the tentations of others: for I studied not heart-reformation. (2) More slight performance of duties when I durst not omit them: God suffered this to go with me, and therefore, (3) I would sometimes omit them altogether, when out of the knowledge of my governor. (4) I began to play on the Sabbath-day with others, for which I got a memorandum: for one day being the Lord’s day, the children and I were playing some childish rogueries; which our governor (good man) hearing, calls us up, and then very seriously endeavours to persuade us and convince us of the sin of Sabbath-breaking, and the danger thereof, and gave us a large exhortation, and thereafter enjoined us all to go to our knees and confess our sins to God, and seek pardon thereof, which we obeyed; and for my part, though at first I was constrained to it, yet I was serious both in acknowledging of guilt, and seeking pardon of sin: and, when we had done, we were dismissed, being first exhorted not to do the like again: which produced a reformation in us all for some time. (5) Through mine own evil nature, which was never as then mortified, and the counsel of others that were my companions, I despised my governor or pedagogue, and did join with others in afflicting him by approbation and desire, though I durst not do it so openly. And I remember, one time he being out, an old soldier who was pitifully cut and mangled in the face had come to the house, with whom we got some way acquaint, and put him in the pedagogue’s chamber with a drawn sword in his hand, and an old red gown on his back, a candle burning before him, and sitting in a chair with a table on which he leaned, with a Greek New Testament in his hand on which he seemed to read; and all this, that, when the good man would enter the chamber, the strangeness of the spectacle might affright him, and that we might have matter of scorning him; and for this cause we followed him as he was coming to his chamber after supper; but, when he came in, he suspected that it was a trick, and went to the soldier and took the sword out of his hand, and, putting him out of doors, he made him discover all those that had a hand in it, whom the next day thereafter he made to crave pardon publicly. O how mighty are folks when they walk with the Lord! and how little do their adversaries gain of them! (6) I proceeded from this to a more open violation of the Sabbath, and played with the servants at the club on the Lord’s day, from six o’clock till it was nine, my tutor in the meantime, I know not how, either remitting in his zeal, or hoping when we were more settled in our affairs (for we were to go south on the next day) to rectify things. (7) When I came south, my pedagogue became more rigid to me, and whipt me more frequently, I confess deservedly; and I turned to hate him, and became stubborn, and would do nothing for him. My father being dead, I was but too much countenanced by those with whom I was, who would not suffer him to take such course with me as he would and I merited; so that things came this length, that I openly reviled him, and avowedly omitted duty. At last he was put away. (8) He once being put away, I became worse, and did no good at all; I neglected duty sometimes for many days together. (9) I was much given to lying and made an ordinary practice of it, so that I could scarce speak a true word. (10) I turned to mock godliness sometimes, though this did not proceed so much from an habit, and nature, and inclination, as from the tentations of others, whom, by this means, I studied to please. (11) My conscience at last became seared and insensible, so that I did all this with little or no remorse.

(12) Swearing little petty oaths of Faith Conscience and Truths was ordiiv ary with me. (13) I broke out at last in the dreadful sin of blasphemy, which I uttered with my tongue, playing one afternoon at cards, being about twelve years of age. (14) I stole from my mother’s waiting man five shillings sterling while I lay with him; and, being suspected for it, I was denying it, but it was proven against me, and I was with shame made to restore it. (15) I cursed myself knowingly, in denying a thing which yet I knew to be true. (16) I became so wicked, as not content to omit prayer on the Sabbath-day, and to talk idly as others did, I played the whole day at the dice, contrary to my light, and my conscience even in the meantime accusing and condemning me. (17) I was almost mine own murderer; for being grievously awed at the grammar school, and ordinarily whipt whether I deserved it or not, and desirous to be rid of this grievous bondage, I knew no way but to procure a sickness to myself: and, for this cause, I went out to the cross and bought green fruits, and did eat nothing but that, and would oftentimes go naked all night, which procured me a flux, which I desired, and which continued with me for two whole years almost, which was near to have cost me my life; for, through grief, and ill diet, and ill guiding, I took a bloody flux, in which I lay for two days, which was all the sickness I ever had. In a word, I was clean gone, and nothing all this time was dealing with me save only some ineffectual checks and movings upon my heart now and then.

3. This decay did proceed from the same causes with the former; yet I remarked these ^vx things to have had most influence on me: (1) I prayed, but endeavoured not to take away my sins: my prayers never killed my lusts, and therefore my lusts killed prayer: like many now, that profess, and yet sin on still; that fear the Lord, and serve their idols. (2) My governor decayed in his zeal, through want of good company, and through neglect of private prayer in which I marked him deficient, and through too much familiarity with the domestics that did blunt his zeal; and I think, seeing my wickedness grow upon him and overmaster him, he deio Memoirs of the

spaired of doing me good: he slept and Satan came in and sowed tares, Matt. xiii. 25. (3) Because, when he was gone, none took care of me; and, “having no king, I did what was good in mine own eyes.” None did reprove or correct me for my faults, nor did look on my soul at all, or put me out to duty, but gave me loose reins; and, old Jehoiadah being dead or gone, “I did evil in the sight of the Lord,” Judg. xxi. 25; 2 Chron. xxiv. 2, T7. 18. (4) Because not followed with terrors and convictions, peace and ease did me ill; Prov. i. 33; Jer. li. 39. (5) I found that evil company did me much harm; I learned their ways; they hardened and encouraged me in an ill course, and drew me from the Lord: for in my greatest decays, I mark this, that I was trysted with carnal, godless company.

4. Yet, notwithstanding of this, I was not altogether left of God, for now and then I was in some good mood, and the Spirit of God would strive and draw me contrary to my inclinations, so as now and then I would pray and read, and be affected: and this good did proceed from these causes: (1) Some extraordinary sharp convictions from the Lord on my conscience, that would put me out to prayer and to get peace; which storm being over, I cared not for prayer any more, Acts ii. 37; Psalm lxvi. 3. (2) Outward and grievous afflictions at school, by reason of the tyrannical rigidity of a certain schoolmaster I had, who delighted in the scourging of children, and would ofttimes pick quarrels with me and scourge me for little or no fault at all; so that every day almost I was sure to be scourged, carry and do as I liked; which made my life grievous and a burden to me: and this in the anguish of my soul would cause me to pour out a prayer, Psalm lxxviii. 35; Isa. xxvi. 12, 16. (3) Sometimes our teachers would instruct us to pray; and then an exhortation had some influence on me, and would put me in some frame, 2 Chron. xxiv. 2. (4) I would out of conceit sometimes pray. I lingered on in this condition three or four years, until I went South again, in order to my going to the college.

Rev [antes Fraser of Brea. 1 1

Step III. — i. I was then going about the form of all manner of duties both public and private, joined likewise with reformation and zeal. Before, I was only taken up in prayer, but now I made conscience of all duties; and therefore meditated, read the Scriptures frequently, and kept the Sabbath very strictly, and reading of good books: and I left off all my old sins and ways, such as lying, swearing, and made conscience of all moral virtues; I left my gaming, my idle talk, and became very temperate; and if I at any time failed, I would fall down on my knees, and beg the Lord’s mercy. Yea so zealous was I, that I endeavoured to gain others, and would reprove them for their looseness: and this produced in me some love to the godly, so that I seemed both to myself and others a new man, and everything to become new; and yet a stranger to Christ, and lying fast bound in a natural condition. But the occasion of this reformation and great change was this: — One Sabbath-day afternoon, being then fifteen years of age, I read on a book called the “Practice of Piety,*’ concerning the misery of a natural man, the torments of hell, and the blessedness of a godly man, and some directions for a godly life: the Lord so wrought, and my heart was therewith so affected and drawn, that without more ado, I henceforth resolved to become a new man, and to live not only a harmless life, but a godly and devout life, and to turn my back upon all my old ways, and utterly to forsake them, and thereupon immediately to set upon the practice of duties. And in this way and condition I had marvellous sweetness and peace, judging and esteeming myself really converted; and would ordinarily in my prayers thank the Lord for giving me His good Spirit; and thought with myself, If I would but continue in this condition to the end, I should undoubtedly be saved. And, in a word, I was a complete Pharisee; and for the benefit of others, I will describe the frame of my spirit under this dispensation.

2. I had the very characters of a formal Pharisee; for, (i) I looked only to the outward letter of the law, and did endeavour an outward conformity thereto; and if I went about the outward form of duty, I sought no more, 2 Tim. iii. 5; Amos iv. 4. (2) I judged myself rather by the length and multitude of my duties, more than by any other thing in them, Matt. vi. 7. (3) I rested in duties as the end, and made them not the means to bring me to Christ: I looked on them as opus operatum; and, therefore, when I did seek or pray for any spiritual mercy, it was not the things I sought I was mostly taken up with: which did evidence itself to me in this, That when I prayed for any mercy, when I got it not, nor any promise for obtaining it, yet was satisfied; like these, Isa. i. 15. (4) Whenever I sinned, I satisfied God and my own conscience by doubling my duties, and gave them to the Lord as satisfaction: and then, as though the blood of Christ had been applied, there ensued peace; like those (Mic. vi. 7) that would give “rivers of oil for the sin of their soul;” and these (Amos iv. 4) who would, when they transgressed, go to Gilgal and offer sacrifice; and the whore, Prov. vii. 14; Matt, xxiii. 14. (5) Hence my duties did never put away my sins, nor did tend to this, but I “served the Lord and my idols;” and, if there was any reformation, it was but the outside of the platter that was cleansed: but I neither saw, nor did hate, nor strive against, nor overcome any heart-corruptions; they never troubled me, 2 Kings xvii. 33; Zeph. i. 5. (6) I was utterly ignorant of the mystery of the Gospel; I neither knew nor studied faith nor the promises, nor justification by imputed righteousness, being altogether ignorant of that, Rom. x. 3. (7) I was more troubled for the want of holiness and the neglect of duties than for the want of Christ Himself; and loved Christ’s benefits better than Christ Himself: I indeed returned, but not to the Most High, Hos. vii. 16. (8) I hated profane persons, and loved civil men that had any form of religion; but did not relish the most strict, especially such who expressed the power of godliness, John xv. 18. (9) Heaven was not sweet to me, but I ever thought on it with grief and aversion, in respect of the constant uninterrupted spiritual exercises they had there, and the want of carnal comforts. I loved a kingdom in this world, Matt. xx. 20, 21. (10) My conscience notwithstanding after a little profession was unsatisfied, and there was a worm knawing at the root of all this; and I could not be quit of this assault, that for all this I might and would probably go to hell. I had no great security from all my duties, and my fears were still alive; and aye I found, the more I did, they increased, Matt. xix. 16; the young man cried still out, “What shall I do to inherit eternal life?” (11) Whatever I did was rather to satisfy conscience, than from love to God, who was a terror to me, and whom I could not otherwise represent to myself than as an angry judge, and an enemy, whom I was still troubled to satisfy. By all which it appears I had no saving grace.

3. I decayed from this and fell, and wras beaten off it through these means. (1) My pleasures, vanities, and evil company, to which I was not mortified, did draw my heart away, Hos. iv. it; Luke viii. 14. (2) Sins did break out such as cursing, and swearing, and carding, and that very frequently; so as I could not get comfort in duties. And this produced a despair in me of the wTorks of my hand, and this weakened me; my duties were not able to bear up the weight of my sins; and, therefore, sighing, I went backward; and seeing there wras no hope, and loving idols, I said I would follow them, Jer. ii. 28; Lam. i. 9. (3) Duties through process of time began to be a burden to me, especially wThen they gave me not full satisfaction nor peace: I was wearied in the greatness of my way, and with labouring in the smoke, and found no end in the travail of my soul, and therefore gave over; for this thought remained secretly in my heart, that I would go to hell when all was done. I was indeed wearied and laden with them, Mai. i. 13, “What a weariness is in God’s service?” Why? Chap. iii. 14, “What profit is it that we have kept His ordinance?” (4) By a certain providence I was brought to see the vanity of all this, which made me seek to another mountain for rest; and, finding none, I turned a seeker, though not in judgment, yet really and truly in practice; which made me despair not only of being happy by the works of the law which I had done, but even by these which I was to do; and so put from seeking it afterwards that way. And this was my last step and dispensation of providence I was trysted with.

Step IV. — Was, being beat out of all forms, I turned a seeker, had no principle, but lived in hopes that God would reveal Himself to me; sometimes I prayed; I had some comfort in doing duties with any affection and life, which sometimes I would win unto. The occasion was this; I was before this a formalist; duties were my Christ, which I began (through my prevailing lusts and outward tentations, and withal some secret suspicions of their influence to justify me) gradually to be remiss in: yet I left not the principle; for the principle remained (notwithstanding I fell short in my practice) that if I could abstain from my ordinary sins, keep the Snbbath-day, pray morning and evening, and do every known duty, I should be saved. And this continued until, being left by my mother in a religious family, I by providence took up a book called the “Seventeen False Rests;” wherein I found the vanity of formality in duties discovered very plainly, and some other pitches and lengths I had not attained to. I was afterwards confirmed in this by reading the “Confession of Faith,” where it saith “That though one should form his life never so exactly, according to nature and morality, without Christ he could not be saved.” This was enough; and the Spirit seconding it, convinced me I was quite wrong first, and had never known what true grace was: and besides, despaired ever of myself to come to that estate of grace: all my refuges of lies were shaken, and that which many sermons for a long time could not do, now in a moment three lines did.

2. The frame of my spirit might be thus described: ii-/,

Rev. James Frascr of Jtrea. 15

I thought all my duties, and all I could do, insufficient to save me, though as yet I saw not so clearly the insufficiency of duties; and therefore did easily conclude, that all this time I was in an unconverted condition, and, if I died without a further change than yet I felt, I should undoubtedly be damned. 2tidly, I thought there was a certain state and blessed condition to which all the converted, and such as had the Lord’s Spirit, had come, and betwixt me and which there was a very great cloud; and that I was, as it were, locked up from this. y/r, I had some hopes that God might do me good, and bring me to this state ere I died. thly I had in the meantime some sharp and terrible convictions for particular sins, but not for my evil nature, and which did wear away without any remaining effect. $thh I had no principle, nor rested in anything, but looked for some divine manifestation and extraordinary revelation to my soul. 6thlyx I prayed sometimes when the Spirit moved, and sometimes not; yet had no peace except when I prayed with life and affections; and then, though I rested not in this, yet would it comfort me. ithly, I thought those that were regenerate lived a life of perpetual comfort and glory, and always performed duties with life; and, when I would arrive at this pitch, I would judge myself converted. And I further thought, that there was a marvellous way of attaining to this; I looked for the kingdom of heaven to come with observation. &t/i/yy I condemned all men; for seeing the unsuitableness of their lives to their principles, and their great carnality, and hearing their fruitless complaints and confessions and doubts, and expressing nothing of God’s love, I thought all came short, and lived in an empty form. gf/i/y, I thought them the best preachers who preached most methodically, and with greatest natural quickness, but understood not spiritual preachers. lot/i/y, I ordinarily slighted duties, and fell in outbreakings of swearing, lying, and idle talking, and carding; pleasures were my idol to which I was not mortified; I had no principle nor centre.

wthly, I mourned for sin, not because it offended God, but because of the consequents of it; and this made me conclude I was not sincere; and I thought, if once I could win to hate sin because it offended God, that then I was sincere. I drove this trade for the space of three years almost, wherein I was settled in nothing but in a waiting and seeking condition.

3. During the time I was under the former dispensations, I was trysted with some wonderful providences, wherein much of the power and goodness of God, in delivering me from terrible temptations to despair, did visibly appear. They were these: First, A year and a half after I had blasphemed, being in my bed, the thoughts of that grievous sin came to my mind, and that with such horror as made me tremble with an unaccustomed fear; this was the first sting of sin. I essayed to pray, but could not get my mouth opened; there did a number of blasphemies and cursings run in my mind with great horror and against my will, which I thought was like the devil in me. I had not knowledge, and therefore was the more troubled; for I was not fourteen years of age then. The more these thoughts did run in and present themselves to my mind, my horror was increased, insomuch that the horror of it was so great, that at last it became intolerable; and then, in my extremity and in great anguish of spirit, the Lord pitied me, and opened my mouth to pray for help, which I did most affectionately, and with great liberty and abundance of tears, which did by a secret virtue charm and calm my confused soul; for now did I by this conceive that I was not quite forsaken of God, as likewise the terrible apprehensions I had of God began to cease, and I slept till the next day: but my troubles began the next day again, and I thereby was made more devout, so as I read on godly books; and, casting the book at random, the first passage that I met with was this, “When Satan casts in blasphemous thoughts in thy heart, be not discouraged; for they are not thine, but Satan’s.” Here was a well of water; though my eyes at first could not see it so full, yet it did somewhat help me, and by it now I perceived much of God’s condescending nature. In process of time, when I began to be less troubled, these blasphemous thoughts did wear away, and so did my trouble likewise.

A second wonderful and merciful Providence was this. In the time I was a seeker, and heard them speaking of the sin against the Holy Ghost, and that it was unpardonable, I began presently to have some wreak suspicions that I had sinned that sin, when I had recalled my blasphemy to mind; but concluded nothing certainly, because I knew not what that sin might be. And all this time it was my exercise to inquire at such as had knowledge, what that sin against the Holy Ghost might be, but was not satisfied, and I had no books that spake of that sin at all, and some places of Scripture in the Evangelists that did treat of that sin could not solve my scruple; but, the longer I continued, the more my fears increased. At last I took up a Concordance to seek the Lord’s mind in His word anent it, and for this cause I looked the word Sin; at last I was made to read, Heb. x. 26, “If we sin wilfully,” etc. I read them at length, and I thought I was stricken therewith as with thunder, and continued amazed and speechless for a while; for I thought it was clear and past doubt I should go to hell, seeing I had sinned against knowledge, and wilfully, not being constrained thereto; and I could not say but it did proceed from passion for my bad luck at the cards. So that, for the space of three days, this temptation was a very sad exercise to me. Now, said my heart to me, dost thou not at last see thy doom clearly revealed? What need more witnesses? Then did I endeavour to pray, but was beaten back, because I thought it was in vain, seeing there is no more sacrifice for sin; yet I prayed. That word, I remember, in the midst of my despair came to mind, “Abraham in hope believed against hope;” and therefore I thought, though there was no hope, yet I should hope against hope. This was the only thing that did uphold me then. I drove heavily and iS Memoirs of the

heartlessly like Pharaoh’s chariots, because I had no hope; although it stood me very much, I multiplied prayers, but they did not heal me; I remembered Esau, who wept until he got a blessing. And did Esau, said I, prevail with his earthly father by his importunity, notwithstanding that he could not help him, so as in the end to get some blessing, and cannot the power and wisdom of God help me, though I cannot conceive how? His thoughts are above mine; This staid me something, and withal put me to multiply my prayers, and to increase in importunity. But, after I was for three days fearfully shaken, and having communicated my case to none, the Lord did at last grant some deliverance, and was pleased to calm my soul, not by removing the cause, but by restraining Satan, and ceasing Himself to let out His hand against me. I got a negative peace that I was not troubled, but lived as I was wont for a year after that, until the same temptation occurred again. Tis the Lord that raises the wind and storm, and that calms them again; and, oh what a mercy and power, that ever my conscience should be clear of such a storm! it is yet a wonder unto me. If He give peace, who can trouble? Let never any despair after me, though he were certain of hell; the gladdest word I could hear was, that my sins were pardonable, and that there was a possibility to be saved. In no case man is to despair; God can help in every case.

A third wonderful Providence happened to me a year thereafter, upon the same occasion. One Sabbath-day, at night, I had made some vows in my last trouble, that I would seek God more diligently than I had done; but when the Lord’s arrows were out of my reins, I forgot what I promised, and turned as bad as ever, being seduced with carnal company at the college. But the Lord gave me an awakening: for the sermon I had heard, being a relation of some under terrors of conscience, and their sad condition, had some impressions on my spirit, so as by nine o’clock, in my bed, recalling to mind my old sin of blasphemy, I thought there was much malice in it and despite. Upon which, for the space of some hours, a more violent storm did break out than any I had ever felt. I looked on myself as one that had undoubtedly sinned unpardonably. I saw in God’s countenance terror, wrath, hatred, and vengeance; and some of my natural enmity against the Lord did break out likewise; so that I struggled, murmured, and fretted against God, like the damned in hell, for suffering me to sin unpardonably. Despair and want of hope is terrible; I was as if in hell; no visible thing did uphold me, only the secret power of God. I was in an hourly expectation when Satan should come and take me away; and it was beaten upon me with a mighty impression, that I was delivered to the devil. It was impossible for me to pray: for in approaching to God I approached to my torment. I sought with sleep to pass away that night, the sorrowfullest that I ever endured, and so to wear away my horrors, and hoped the morning would some way cheer me; but I could not sleep, my horror still increased, and hopelessness was the sting of all my evils. It entered into my head once to put hands in myself; but this temptation did not take, nor singe so much as a hair of my head, but looked on it as a mad thing to torment myself before the time; it was hell I feared, and should I then run to it? At last, after much tossing, and hardly praying, it pleased God somewhat to allay my horror with these considerations, which I thought some good spirit suggested unto me. 1st, Thou knowest not how thou sinned, nor the frame of thy heart at that time, whether thou didst utter these words of blasphemy in rage, or out of un watchful folly; and wilt thou then condemn thyself upon uncertainties? This was rational, but did not calm my heart; it, like cold water cast on a burning, did for a time ease it, but did not heal, because little of God was here. 2dfy, It was suggested to me, that those who had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost never thought ill of it, nor rue that they did sin it. It was replied, There may be a rueing and a repenting, because there may be a fearful expectation which may make them rue what they have done. $dfy, At length the Lord brake in with this, It is certain, that those who have sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost can never sincerely repent. Yes, said I, that is true. Well, said the Lord, take but this counsel: Suspend for a time judging of yourself, neither concluding that your sin is pardonable or not, till you see whether God will give repentance or not; and, therefore, while the Lord spares your life, try Him with this, and seek repentance of Him. If He give grace, then mayest thou be certain and infallibly persuaded that thou hast not sinned this sin; but if not, and that God give you not repentance, you may conclude that you have sinned it, and will be damned, and your impenitency will damn you however. To despair will do no good, and by this course you can be no worse than you are; though thy condition be already desperate, what losest thou by this? you may get some peace in the meantime. This prevailed, and the Lord by it calmed my spirit, so as within a few days all the impressions of this temptation were worn away; but I little minded to endeavour repentance.

4. During this time I lived in divers sins; as, 1st, In seeking and living in pleasures. 2dl Omitting of duties, and excellent occasions of powerful sermons that were at that time preached by the ablest men in the kingdom; as, likewise, I neglected to improve the society of godly Christians. y/r, Neglecting my book and misspending my time, stilly, Continuing in a course of enmity against the most godly, and defaming them sometimes falsely. 5////y, Playing at unlawful games as cards, dice, and other lotteries, and that in a place where severe laws were made against them. 6//z/v, Defaming of my neighbours with pasquils and light poems. jth/r, Carnal and light in my conversation. %thl) Wasting and spending much money unnecessarily. 9////1’, And once overtaken with drunkenness, fourteen days ere I was converted.

5. From all this I learn, isf, The time of youth is the most fit season to seek God. I found much tractableness

Rev. James Fraser of Brea. 2 t

in myself when I was young, Lam. iii. 27; Eccl. xii. 1. 2ndly That the best mean under heaven, for seasoning young ones with the knowledge of God, is the admonition, care, and watchfulness of superiors; this was the only thing that did me good, Eph. vi. 4; Gen. xviii. 19; Deut. vi. 7. rdly, That the Lord doth usually bless this mean with success when it is made conscience of, Gen. xviii. 19, Abraham shall teach his children, and they shall keep My commandments. The pains of others upon me had some effect on my spirit, even whilst much did not appear to others, tfhly, There is a day of Christ’s power; religion hath a time. Those who are now stamped with hell were then professing somewhat, and going about the means, and strict in observing the Lord’s Day, Eccl. iii. 1. Every one got a touch of the wind of God’s Spirit. $thly God is at much pains with sinners ordinarily ere He draw them fully, wholly, and effectually to Himself. I was far from conversion at this time; only I learned that there was a certain glorious estate of grace to which some were brought, and that I was a stranger unto it. Rev. iii. 20, He stands and knocks. Isa. v. 4, “What more could be done to My vineyard?” Though there were no more, surely I am much bound to the Lord for His pains He takes on me. 6Myy God is good to the unthankful and evil when they are in extremity. He heareth the cry of nature, and did hear me in my extremity when I cried to Him, Psal. cvii. 17, 18, 19; Isa. lvii. 17, 18, 19. 7 My, Let never any man, upon any account, neglect the use of prayer, or other means, though it seems never so unreasonable: for against hope, sense, and reason, when I was put to prayer, though there was nothing but the cries of oppressed nature, it was not in vain, 1 Kings xxi. 29; Psal. lxxviii. 36, 37, 38; 2 Kings xiii. 4, 5. SMy, It is ordinary to seek to other physicians and means, and to rest on and close with them, ere there be a coming to Christ, Hos. v. 13. gMy, All false rests will fail, and gilded grace will wear away, and must do so without Christ, partly because of their decaying nature, i Peter i. 24, “All flesh is as grass, and the glory thereof withereth;” partly because, while these continue green and fresh, the soul will not seek to come to Christ. None of the bad grounds came to perfection, Mat. xiii. lot/i/y, A soul that is a stranger to God, and true conversion, may get and receive some great favours and deliverances at the Lord’s hand, and may have particular and clear experiences of the Lord’s power and goodness, as Hagar, and may be therewith affected, Gen. xvi. 13. wthly, None can be so bad but they may be worse; there is no bounding or term of sin, 1 Kings xxi. to 16th verse, 2thly, I find the neglect or careless performance of private duties, especially meditation and prayer, to have ever a great influence on all the decays that happen to a person, Exod. xvii. 1 1; Psal. lvi. 9; Mat. xxvi. 41.