Of My Widowhood, and the Lord's Providences During That Time

And now there was an end put to my earthly joys, my sun of earthly prosperity was set, and my nights and “days of darkness,” and “the years wherein I have had no pleasure in them,” were come; our sun must be overclouded sometimes. Four years and a quarter did I live in a married condition, “rejoicing with the wife of my youth” in the days of my vanity, that is, from the latter end of July 1672, to the latter end of October 1676, at which time must I be a widower: for then did the Lord, who “gave, take away” from me “the delight of mine eyes,” and with her all earthly joys.

I cannot say but the Lord gave me some warning of this before it came to pass. I was threatened in the year 1673 with this, but the Lord spared her for that time, but it was a mere suspension. Likewise that summer before she died, I was then in the North to settle some affairs; but a sudden damp was upon my spirit, by which my spirit was overwhelmed with an unknown load of sorrow, and continued for the space of two whole days. I hardly during that time could speak, eat, or drink, nor knew I any cause for it; as it came without any cause, so within two days it wore off my spirit again. Now, these clouds upon my spirit are always forerunners of a sharp and bitter storm to blow upon me. The sense I many times had of my sinful course of life, my shortcoming, my distance with God, my not improving the mercies that God gave me, did many times, with some impression upon my spirit, presage the evil day a-coming; yea, the extraordinary light and warmness of my sun did tell me always before a shower; for truly the goodness of the Lord to me was my tentation to fear. How frequently have I said to myself, “O how do I fear the prosperity of fools may destroy me!” I perceive all the people of God that I know visited with sorrow upon sorrow; I see lamentation in the “tabernacles of Jacob,” only I have peace, increase in riches, children; have therewith peace and quietness, respect from others, and what not? Oh, surely, if the Lord loves me, if I be not a bastard, a stranger that hath no lot or part with the people of God, surely I shall not be suffered to walk in a world alone, but shall mourn with Zion; this world shall not hold. Thus did I many times commune with my own soul, and, as Job said, “I was not at peace” nor quietness, “yet trouble came;” and “the evil I greatly feared was come upon me.” Either if the Lord loves me (said I), God will send some painful sickness or blast upon my estate, or I shall fall into the hands of the ungodly, or my wife shall be taken from me; some awakening or other I shall have, that I know. And, accordingly, in the beginning of October 1676, having a call to Northumberland in order to do something (which after I enquired the Lord, I was free to do), my wife sickened of a fever, and some eight or nine days thereafter she died, in vain calling for me during a great part of the time of sickness, who was then some fifty or sixty miles from her, and knew nothing. Letters were sent to me, but came too late, only a day before she died; and, having made what haste I could after I once understood she was sick, I came and found her dead some four hours before. I indeed remember I was, when absent at that time, stirred up extraordinarily to mind her in prayer; and about the very time she was a dying, an extraordinary cloud of horror seized upon me, being then within twelve miles of my journey to our own house.

Observations upon my marriage and ividowhood.

It is good for either man or woman to be first married and engaged with Christ ere they be engaged with any other, otherwise we shall never carry well in a marriage state. When once the heart hath made its choice, it is hardly brought to choose Christ; and therefore our days of youth are days of choice, in which we are to “remember our Creator,” Eccl. xii. 1. The Lord was merciful to me, in engaging me with Christ ere I settled any other way, Mat. vi. ult., “Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven.” (2) It is not convenient, I think, that people not come to the years of discretion should marry; I was thirty-two years of age when I married, and needed all the wisdom and experience that by age I acquired to manage a married lot. (3) As in all our ways we should acknowledge the Lord, so especially in going about marriage, that we may marry “in the Lord.” For many years before I had thoughts of marriage, I earnestly besought the Lord, that if ever I should change my relation and manner of living, He would give me a comfortable yoke-fellow. And when the Lord opened a door, I durst not so much as make a visit without prayer; and I set a whole day apart before I did propose marriage to my wife, to know the Lord’s mind whether I should go on or not, and to seek His blessing in case I should see it of the Lord to go on. (4) The great end of marriage is to get a “meet help” for furthering of the soul’s condition and spiritual concernment. We are not therefore to match ourselves any way but such as may be conducible to that end; other ends and advantages are to be subordinate to this. (5) Therefore doth it much concern us that the person we marry be a prudent, pious, and virtuous person; fools or graceless persons we can never expect to be helpful to us this way; it is dreadful to take a lump of wrath in our bosom. He that marrieth a prudent, godly woman is sure to have the Lord Plimself to his father-in-law. The seed of the woman and of the serpent can never agree, dwell, and walk together: nor can an ox and an ass, yoked together, draw equally. (6) It is absolutely necessary that those we marry be persons of good moral parts, and especially that they be not of a cross but good humour naturally, and that they have some good measure of prudence; without these two you cannot live comfortably. Yea, grace, though I confess it makes fools (even naturally so) wiser, and makes the rugged lions eat grass like oxen, yet it doth not destroy nature; and if there be not the stricter watch, it will vent, and cause disorders in the family. That we live religiously and to God, we owe it to grace; but that, as men and women we live in external peace and comfortably, is much from prudence and good natural humour. (7) It is a marvellous and a blessed thing where God is pleased to unite in the bonds of love first those He in His providence is pleased to join in marriage. This is the blessing of the Lord upon a marriage condition; this is it which makes the married walk faithfully, in sweet spiritual communion with God, in joint spiritual duties and exercises, and which makes it so comfortable; and this I found by experience. I found much sweetness in spiritual fellowship with my wife; the pleasantest time we ever had was these few hours we spent together in prayer, in reading the Word, and the making of observable things out of it, in spiritual conference, and joint binding of ourselves to the Lord, in all which I found her very cordial; nor can I say I found fellowship with any other so sweet as with her. What a great advantage is it, and how necessary, to be united by love with these with whom we join in fellowship! (8) Grace -makes persons not only good Christians but good in all relations. To say, a good woman, but a bad wife; a gracious man, but a mighty

cross, peevish, sullen husband; a holy man, but a wonderfully bad master or undutiful servant, is that which I truly think cannot be. And however some have very confidently endeavoured to make it out to me by several instances, yet truly, whatever may be truth in it, I could never yet see through or understand how it could be. (9) Marriage is one of the most important steps of a man’s life: O then, with what fear, and trembling, and godly dependence, should we go about such a matter! I shall never forget what a minister said when marrying two certain persons, viz., That repentance mends all things but an ill-made marriage: it is either a mean of the greatest comfort or sorrow. (10) If any person be uncomfortably yoked, they may through grace be profitably yoked. To marry an ill, cross and rugged person is indeed grievous: but it may be and has been blessed of God as the mean of greatest good. Thus I thought I was thereby encouraged against terrible effects of a bad choice; well, said I, if I fall not well, sure I am I shall thereby have the best opportunity and advantage to be mortified to the world that ever I had, and an ill wife may do that good for me which all my former afflictions could not do. (n) I have observed that several gracious persons have been very unequally yoked with graceless persons, and that to be the sad lot rather of poor women than of men, and yet this hath been blessed of God to them, and they helped to carry well under it. (12) A marriage condition or state is both a blessed and comfortable state, and also a state liable to many inconveniences; I found this fountain to “send forth bitter and sweet.” As it was a life of much contentment, and as I saw much of the love and goodness of God, so did I see the same seasoned with many ingredients, cares, and vexing fears, that I never found in a single state; so that if I were absent for four or five days, it was a terror to me to enter into the family, lest I should hear or know that either wife or children were unwell. (13) Although marriage be ordained for preventing of fornication and burning lust, 1 Cor. vii. 4, and for begetting of children to furnish the Church with an holy seed, yet are they not the only great ends of marriage; for aged persons that cannot get children, and such as never found these violent desires, may lawfully marry, and that for the great end of marriage, which is to have a suitable help, a suitable companion, who may in our pilgrimage be comfortable to us, and help us in our way to heaven. (14) Although increase of wealth or paying of debts be the ordinary great end of marriage, with continuance of our names, yet do I think it the meanest of ends. And just it is (as ordinary) with God to make the marriage of such uncomfortable, and to deprive them of the true comforts and blessings thereof, who have their eyes so much thereupon. This I may say, riches were not my aim, having preferred her whom I have married to several with greater portions, and in other things not inferior to her save only in virtue and piety. (15) It is a very hard thing to guide a marriage lot, and to walk prudently and in knowledge, to keep such a spiritual frame as to possess our vessels in holiness, and, like Enoch, to beget sons and daughters, and walk with God. Alas! I know not how to walk perfectly “in a perfect way,” or how to behave wisely in my house. I many times omitted opportunities of doing good, slighted others; many times slightly and perfunctoriously went about family duties, was carnal and excessive, was foolish in many things; yea, the comforts of a present life, wife, children, and relations, did blunt my desire after heaven, and I began to say in my heart, “It is good to be here.” (16) Over-valued comforts are shortened, and a worm comes and

consumes them, so that they wither to the ground. (17) Loss of comforts is as bitter, yea, much more than ever they were comfortable when enjoyed. As I much comforted myself in such a comfortable yoke-fellow, so it was exceeding bitter when the Lord withered such a gourd, Jonah iv. 6, 7. (18) Mercies obtained by, and received as the fruit of prayer, are double mercies. What was comfortable and useful to me in a yoke-fellow I obtained by prayer. (19) I think it a greater sin to marry on the Lord’s day than to yoke a plough, inasmuch as the work and concern is greater; and I judge it to be one of the provoking profanations of the Lord’s day, the sinful continuance of this; and I seldom ever see these marriages blessed that were celebrated on that day. They must be strangely mortified creatures that do not “find their own pleasures that day.” I never durst do or advise to it. I am hardly free for ministers to marry persons; to give them exhortations, and to seek a blessing upon them I think very commendable; but to minister in the action, ceremony and rite, which is the badge of that relation, I think it is more competent to him, than to give a sasine in land. Yet, as times go now, I think it not altogether unlawful to marry by a minister; but it were to be wished this and other things were reformed, which, as they are relics of Popery, so do they tend to beget in us an opinion of marriage being a sacrament, seeing ministers only administer it; and commonly people think, that if ministers do not marry them, that they are not married at all. And this likewise begets the marrying on the Lord’s day, seeing they take it for some spiritual action, performable only by ministers. Other things I might observe, but, fearing tediousness, I here end this chapter.