The State of the Author's Mind before the Change
Giving an account of the state of the author’s mind and conscience, previous to, and at the commencement of that change, whereof he purposes to give the history.
Notwithstanding that! was not educated in what is commonly considered as ignorance of God and religion; yet, until the sixteenth year of my age, I do not remember that I ever was under any serious conviction of my being a sinner, in danger of wrath, orinneed of mercy; nor did I ever, during this part of my life, that I recollect, offer one hearty prayer to God in secret. Being alienated from God, thraugh the ignorance that was in me, I lived without him in the world: and as utterly neglected to pay him any voluntary service, as if I had been an atheist in principle.
But about my sixteenth year I began to see that I was a sinner; a leper in every part, “there being no health in me;” out of many external indications of inward depravity, conscience discovered, and reproached me with one; and I was, for the first time, disquieted with apprehensions of the wrath of an offended God. My attendance at the Lord’s table being expected about the same time, (though I was very ignorant of the meaning and end of that sacred ordinance,) this circumstance, united with the accusations of my conscience, brought an awe upon my spirits, and interrupted my before undisturbed course of sin.
Being, however, an utter stranger to the depravity and helplessness of fallen nature, I had no doubt but I could amend my life whenever I pleased. Previous, therefore, to communicating, I set about an unwilling reformation; and procuring a form of prayer, I attempted to pay my secret addresses to the Majesty of Heaven. In this manner having silenced my conscience, I partook of the ordinance, held my resolutions, and continued my devotions, such as they were, for a little space: but they were a weariness and a task to me; and temptations soon returning, I relapsed; my prayer book was thrown aside, and no more thought of, till my conscience was again alarmed by the next warning given for the celebration of the Lord’s supper. Then the same ground was gone over again, and with the same issue. My goodness was like the morning dew, that passeth away; and loving sin, and disrelishing religious duties as much as ever, I returned, as the sow that is washed, to her wallowing in the mire.
With little variation, this was my course of life for nine years: but in that time I had such experience of my own weakness, and the superior force of temptation, that I secretly concluded reformation in my case to be impracticable. “Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?” I was experimentally convinced that I was equally unable, with the feeble barrier of resolutions and endeavours, to stem the torrent of my impetuous inclinations, when swelled by welcome, suitable, and powerful temptations; and being ignorant that God had reserved this to himself as his own work, and had engaged to do it for the poor sinner, who feeling his own insufficiency, is heartily desirous to have it done by him; I stifled my convictions as well as I could, and put off my repentance to a more convenient season. But being of a reflecting turn, and much alone, my mind was almost constantly employed. Aware of the uncertainty of life, I was disquieted with continual apprehensions, that this more convenient season would never arrive; especially, as through an unconfirmed state of health, I had many warnings, and near prospects of death and eternity. For a long time I entertained no doubt, but that impenitent sinners would be miserable for ever in hell; and at some seasons such amazing reflections upon this awful subject forced themselves into my mind, that I was overpowered with them, and my fears became intolerable. At such times my extempore cries for mercy were so wrestling and persevering, that I was scarcely able to give over; though at other times I lived without prayer of any sort; yet, in my darkest hours, though my conscience was awakened to discover more and more sinfulness in my whole behaviour, there remained a hope that I should one day repent and turn unto God. If this hope was from myself, it was a horrid presumption, but the event makes me willing to acknowledge a persuasion that it was from the Lord; for had it not been for this hope, I should probably have given way to temptations, which frequently assaulted me, of putting an end to my own life, in proud discontent with my lot in this world, and mad despair about another.
A hymn of Dr. Watts’, in his admirable little book for children, entitled, “The All-seeing God,” at this time fell in my way; I was much affected with it, and having committed it to memory, was frequently repeating it, and was thereby continually reminded of my guilt and danger. Parents may from this inconsiderable circumstance be reminded, that it is of great importance to store their children’s minds with such useful matter, instead of suffering them to be furnished with such corrupting trash, as is commonly taught them. They know not what use God may make of these early rudiments of instruction in future life. At this period, though I was the slave of sin, yet as my conscience was not pacified, nor my principles greatly corrupted, there seemed some hope concerning me; but at length Satan took a very effectual method of silencing my convictions, that I might sleep securely in my sins: and justly was I given over to a strong delusion to believe a lie, when I held the truth that I did know in unrighteousness. A Socinian comment on the Scriptures came in my way, and I greedily drank the poison because it quieted my fears, and flattered my abominable pride. The whole system coincided exactly with my inclinations, and the state of my mind, and approved itself to me. In reading this exposition, sin seemed to lose its native ugliness, and appear a very small and tolerable evil; man’s imperfect obedience seemed to shine with an almost divine excellency; and God appeared so entirely and necessarily merciful, that he could not make any of his creatures miserable without contradicting his natural propensity. These things influenced my mind so powerfully, that I concluded that notwithstanding a few little blemishes, I was, upon the whole, a very worthy creature. Then further the mysteries of the Gospel being explained away, or brought down to the level of man’s comprehension by such proud and corrupt, though specious reasonings; by acceding to these sentiments, I was in my own opinion, in point of understanding and discernment, exalted to a superiority above the general run of mankind; and amused myself with looking down with contempt upon such as were weak enough to believe the orthodox doctrines. Thus I generally soothed my conscience: and if at any time I was uneasy at the apprehension that I did not thoroughly deserve, and was not entirely fit for heaven, the same book afforded me a soft pillow, on which to lull myself to sleep; it argued, and I thought it proved, that there were no eternal torments; and insinuated, that there were no torments except for the notorious sinners; and that such as should fall just short of heaven, would sink into their original nothing. With this welcome scheme I silenced all my fears, and told my accusing conscience, that if I fell short of heaven, I should be annihilated, and never be sensible of my loss.
By experience, I am well acquainted with Satan’s intention, in employing so many of his servants to invent those pestilent errors, whether in speculation or practice, that have in all ages corrupted and enervated the pure and powerful doctrine of the Gospel; for they lead to forgetfuhiess of God, and security in sin, and are deadly poison to every soul that imbibes them, unless a miracle of grace prevent. Such, on one hand, are all the superstitious doctrines of popery, purgatory, penances, absolutions, indulgences, merits of good works, and the acceptableness of will-worship, and uncommanded observances; what are these but engines of the devil, to keep men quiet in their sins? Man, resolved to follow the dictates of his depraved inclination, and not to bound his pursuits and enjoyments within the limits of God’s holy law, catches at any thing to soften the horrible thought of eternal misery. This is the awakening reflection, God’s sword in the conscience, which ’tis Satan’s business, by all his diabolical artifice, to endeavour to sheath, blunt, or turn aside; knowing, that whilst the alarming apprehension is present to the soul, he can never maintain his possession of it in peace. By such inventions, therefore, as these, he takes care to furnish the sinner with that which he seeks for, and to enable him to walk according to the course of this wicked world, and the desires of depraved nature, without being disturbed by such dreadful thoughts. The same, on the other hand, is the tendency of all those speculations of reasoning men, which sets God’s attributes at variance with each other; which represent the Supreme Governor so weakly merciful, as neither to regard the demands of his justice, the glory of his holiness, the veracity of his word, nor the peaceable order and subordination of the universe; which explain away all the mysteries of the Gospel; and represent sin, that fruitful root of evil, that enemy of God, that favourite of Satan, as a very little thing, scarcely noticed by the Almighty; and which, contrary to Scripture, and universal experience and observation, would persuade us, that man is not a depraved creature.
These latter sentiments I acceded to, and maintained as long as I could; and I did it, most assuredly, because they soothed my conscience, freed me from the pressing fears of damnation, and enabled me to think favourably of myself. For these reasons alone I loved, and chose this ground; 1 fixed myself upon it, and there I fortified myself with all the arguments and reasonings I could meet with. These things I wished to believe; and I had my wish; for at length I did most confidently believe them. Being taken captive in this snare by Satan, I should here have perished with a lie in my right hand, had not that Lord, whom I dishonoured, snatched me as a brand from the burning.
In this state of mind I attempted to obtain admission into holy orders. Wrapped up in the proud notion of the dignity of human nature, I had lost sight of the evil of sin, and thought little of my own sinfulness; I was filled with a self-important opinion of my own worth, and the depth of my understanding; I had adopted a system of religion, accommodated to that foolish pride, having almost wholly discarded mysteries from my creed, and regarding with sovereign contempt those who believed them. As far as I understood those controversies, I was nearly a Socinian, and a Pelagian, and wholly an Arminian; yet, to my shame be it spoken, I sought to obtain admission into the ministry, in a church whose doctrines are diametrically opposed to all the three; without once concerning myself about those barriers, which the wisdom of our forefathers have placed about her, purposely to prevent the intrusion of such dangerous heretics as I then was.
Whilst I was preparing for this solemn office, I lived, as before, in known sin, and in utter neglect of prayer: my whole preparation consisting of nothing else but an attention to those studies which were more immediately required, for my reputably passing through the previous examination.
And thus after some difficulty, with a heart full of pride, and all manner of wickedness, my life being polluted with many unrepented, unforsaken sins, without one cry for mercy, one prayer for direction, or assistance in, or a blessing upon what I was about to do; after having concealed my real sentiments under the mask of general expressions; after having subscribed articles directly contrary to my then belief; and after having blasphemously declared in the presence of God and of the congregation, in the most solemn manner, sealing it with the Lord’s supper, that I judged myself to be inwardly moved by the Holy Ghost to take this office upon me, (not knowing or believing that there was a Holy Ghost,) on September the 20th, 1772, I was ordained a deacon. For ever blessed be the God of all long suffering and mercy, who had patience with such a rebel and blasphemer, such an irreverent trifler with his majesty, and such a presumptuous intruder into his sacred ministry! I never think of this daring wickedness without being filled with amazement that I am out of hell j without adoring that gracious God, who permitted such an atrocious sinner to live, yea, to serve him, and with acceptance, I trust, to call him Father, and as his minister to speak in his name. “Praise the Lord, 0 my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name; Praise the Lord, 0 my soul, and forget not all his benefits; who forgiveth all my sins, and healeth all thy infirmities; who saveth thy life from destruction, and crowneth me with mercy and loving kindness.” May I love much, and very humbly and devotedly serve that God who has multiplied his mercies, in abundantly pardoning my complicated provocations!
My views in entering into the ministry, as far as I can ascertain them, were these three: I. A desire of a less laborious and more comfortable way of procuring a livelihood, than otherwise I had a prospect of. — 2. The expectation of more leisure to employ in reading, of which I was inordinately fond. — And, 3. A proud conceit of my abilities, and a vain-glorious imagination, that I should some time distinguish and advance myself in the literary world. These were my ruling motives in taking this bold step: motives as opposite to those which should have influence therein, as pride is opposite to humility; ambition to contentedness in a low estate, and a willingness to be the least of all, and the servant of all; as opposite as love of self, of the world, of filthy lucre, and slothful ease, is opposite to the love of God, and of souls, and of the laborious work of the ministry. Mine, therefore be the shame of this heinous sin; and to God be all the glory of overruling it for good, I trust both to unworthy me, and to his dear people, the church, which he hath purchased with his own blood.
My subsequent conduct was suitable to these motives. No sooner was I fixed in a curacy, than with close application I sat down to the study of the learned languages, and such other matters as I considered most needful, in order to lay the foundation of my future advancement. And would I were now as diligent in serving God, as I was then in serving self and ambition! I spared no pains; I shunned, as much as I well could, all acquaintance and diversions; and I retrenched upon my usual hours of sleep, that I might keep more closely to this business. As a minister, I attended just enough to the public duties of my station to support a decent character, which I deemed subservient to my main design: and from the same principle I aimed at morality in my outward deportment, and affected seriousness in my conversation. As to the rest, I still lived in the practice of what I knew to be sinful, and in the entire neglect of all secret religion: If ever inclined to pray, conscious guilt stopped my mouth, and I seldom went further than ‘’ God be merciful unto me.” However, perceiving that my Socinian principles were very disreputable; and being conscious from my own experience, that they were unfavourable to morality, I concealed them, in a great measure, both for my credit’s sake, and from a desire I entertained, subservient to my main design, of successfully inculcating the practice of the moral duties upon those to whom I preached. My studies, indeed, lay very little in divinity, but this little all opposed that part of my scheme which respected the punishment of the wicked in the other world; and, therefore, (being now removed at a distance from those authors whence I had imbibed my sentiments, and from whose reasonings I had learned to defend them,) I began gradually to be shaken in my former confidence, and once more to be under some apprehensions of eternal misery. Being also statedly employed, and with the appearance of solemnity, in the public worship of God, whilst I neglected and provoked him in secret; my conscience clamorously reproached me with base hypocrisy, and I began to conclude, that if eternal torments were reserved for any sinners, I certainly should be one of the number. And now again I was filled with anxious fears and terrifying alarms; especially as I was continually meditating upon what might be the awful consequence, should I be called hence by sudden death. Even my close application to study could not soothe my conscience, nor quiet my fears: under the affected air of cheerfulness, I was truly miserable. This was my state of mind when the change I am about to relate, began to take place. How it commenced, in what manner, and by what steps it proceeded, and how it was completed, will be the subject of the second part of this work. This first part I shall conclude by observing, that though I was staggered in my favourite sentiment before mentioned, and in my views of the person of Christ, was verging toward Arianism; yet in my other opinions I was more confirmed than ever. What those opinions were, I have already in brief declared; and they will occur again, and be more fully explained, as I proceed to relate the manner in which I was constrained to renounce them, one after another, and to accede to those that were directly contrary thereto. Let it suffice to say, that I was brim full of proud self sufficiency, very positive, and very obstinate: and being situated in the neighbourhood of some of those whom the world calls Methodists,* I
* Methodists, as a stigma of reproach, was first applied to Mr. Wesley, Mr. Whitfield, and their followers; to those who, though professing an attachment to our established joined in the prevailing sentiment, held them in sovereign contempt, spoke of them in derision, declaimed against them from the pulpit, as persons full of bigotry, enthusiasm and spiritual pride; laid heavy things to their charge, and endeavoured to prove the doctrines which I supposed them to hold, (for I had never read their books,) to be dishonourable to God, and destructive to morality. And though in some companies I chose to conceal some part of my sentiments, and in all affected to speak as a friend to universal toleration; yet scarce any person could be moreproudly and violently prejudiced against both their persons and principles.
church, and disclaiming the name of Dissenters, were not conformists in point of parochial order, but had separate seasons, places, and assemblies for worship. The term has since been extended by many to ail persons, whether clergy or laity, who preach or profess the doctrines of the reformation, as expressed in the articles and liturgy of our church. For this fault they must all submit to bear the reproachful name alike, especially the ministers; nor will the most regular and peaceable compliance with the injunctions of the rubric, exempt them from it, if they avow the authorized, but now exploded doctrines to which they have subscribed. My acquaintance hitherto has been only with Methodists of this latter description: and I have them only in view, whenever I use the term.