A History of This Change

Containing a history of this change: the manner in which, and the means bj which it was at length effected.

In JanuarVj 1774, two of my parishioners, a man and his wife, lay at the point of death. I had heard of it, but according to my general custom, not being sent for, I took no notice of it: but one evening, the woman being already dead, and the man dying, I

heard that my neighbour, Mr., had

been several times to visit (hem. Immediately my conscience reproached me with being shamefully neghgent, in sitting at home within a few doors of dying persons, my general hearers, and never going to visit them. Directly it occurred to me, that whatever contempt I might have for Mr. ’s doctrines, I must acknowledge his practice to be more consistent with the ministerial character than mine. He must have more zeal and love for souls than I had, or he would not have walked so far to visit and supply my lack of care to those who, as far as I was concerned, might have been left to perish in their sins.

This reflection aff”ected m.e so much, that earnestly, yea, with tears and without delay, I besought the Lord to forgive my past neglect; and resolved thenceforth to be more attentive to this duty: which resolution, though at first formed in ignorant dependence on my own strength, I have by divine grace been enabled hitherto to keep. Immediately I went to visit the survivor; and the affecting sight of one person already dead, and another expiring in the same chamber, served more deeply to impress my serious convictions; and from that time I have constantly visited the sick of my parishes, as far as I had opportunity; and have endeavoured, to the best of my knowledge, to perform that essential part of a parish minister’s duty.

Some time after this, a friend recommended to my perusal the conclusion of Bishop Burnet’s History of His Own Times, especially that part which respects the clergy. It had the intended effect: I was considerably instructed and impressed thereby; I was convinced, that my entrance into the ministry had been the result of very wrong motives, was preceded with a very unsuitable preparation, and accompanied with a very improper conduct; some uneasiness was also excited in my mind, concerning my neglect of the important duties of that high calling. — And though I was too much the slave of sin, devoted to other studies, and in love with this present world, to relinquish my flattering pursuit of reputation and preferment, and change the course of my life, studies, and employments: yet I experienced, by intervals, desires, and purposes, at some future period of devoting myself wholly to the work of the ministry, in the manner to which he exhorts the clergy.

All these things increased the clamorous remonstrances of my conscience; and at this time I lived without any secret religion, because, without some reformation in my conduct as a man and a minister, I did not dare to pray. My convictions would no longer be silenced or appeased; and they became so intolerably troublesome, that I resolved to make one more effort toward amendment. In good earnest, and not totally without seeking the assistance of the Lord by prayer, I attempted to break the chains wherewith Satan had hitherto held my soul in bondage. It pleased the Lord, that I at this time should obtain some advantages; part of my grosser defilements I was enabled to relinquish, and to enter upon a form of devotion. Formal enough indeed it was; for I neither knew that Mediator, through whom, nor that Spirit, by whom, prayers are offered with acceptance to God; and yet, though utterly in the dark as to the true and living way to the throne of grace, lam persuaded, there were even then seasons, when I was enabled to rise above a mere form, and to offer petitions so far spiritual, as to be accepted and an swered.

I was now somewhat reformed in my outward conduct; but the renewing in the spirit of my mind, if begun, was scarce discernible. As my life was, in my own judgment, less wicked, my heart grew more proud; — the idol self was the object of my adoration and obeisance; my worldly advancement was more eagerly sought than ever; some flattering prospects seemed to open, and I resolved to improve my advantage to the uttermost. At the same time every thing tended to increase my good opinion of myself; I was treated with kindness and friendship, by persons, from whom I had no reason to expect it; my preaching was well received; my acquaintance seemed to be courted; my foolish heart verily believed, that all this, and much more, was due to my superior worth; whilst conscience, which before, by its mortifying accusations was useful to preserve some sense of unworthiness in my mind, was now silenced, or seem.ed to authorize that pride, which before it checked. And because I had the disadvantage of conversing in general with such persons, as either favoured my sentiments; or out of good manners, or because they saw it would be in vain, would not contradict me; I concluded that my scheme of doctrine was the exact standard of truth, and that by my superior abilities I was capable of confuting or convincing all, who were otherwise minded. In this view of the matter, I felt an eager desire of entering into a religious controversy, especially with a Calvinist.

It was at this time that my correspondence with Mr. * commenced. At the

visitation, May, 1775, we exchanged a few words in an argumentative way, in the room among the clergy, which I believe drew many eyes upon us. At that time he prudently declined the discourse, but a day or two after sent me a short note, and a little book for my. perusal. This was the very thing I wanted, and I gladly embraced the opportunity, which, according to my wishes, seemed now to offer. This I did, God knoweth, with no inconsiderable expectations, that my arguments would prove irresistibly convincing, and that I should have the honour of rescuing a well-meaning person from his enthusiastical delusions.

Indeed at this time I had conceived a very favourable opinion of, and sort of respect for him; because I was acquainted with the character he sustained even among some persons, who expressed a disapprobation of his doctrines; they were forward to commend him as a benevolent, disinterested and inoffensive person, and a laborious minister. On the other hand, I looked upon his religious sentiments as rank fanaticism, and entertained a very contemptuous opinion of his abilities, natural and acquired. Once I had the curiosity to hear him preach, and not understand-

*Rev. John Newton.

ing his sermon, I made a very great jest of it, where I could do it without giving offence. I had also read one of his publications; but for the same reason, I thought the greater part of it to be whimsical, paradoxical and unintelligible.

Concealing, therefore, the true motives of my conduct under the offer of friendship, and a professed desire to know the truth, (which, amidst all ray self-sufficiency and prejudice, I trust the Lord had even then given me,) with the greatest affectation of candour, and a mind open to conviction, I wrote him a long letter; purposing to draw from him such an avowal, and explanation of his sentiments, as would introduce a controversial discussion of our religious differences.

The event by no means answered my expectation; he returned me a very friendly and long answer to my letter; in which he carefully avoided the mention of those doctrines, which he knew would offend me: he declared, that he believed me to be one that feared God, and that was under the teaching of his Holy Spirit; that he gladly accepted my offers of friendship, and was nowise inclined to dictate to me; but leaving me to the guidance of the Lord, would be glad, as occasion served, from time to time, to bear testimony to the truths of the Gospel, and to communicate his sentiments unto me, on any subject, with all the confidence of friendship.

In this manner our correspondence began, and was continued in the interchange of nine or ten letters, until December the same year. Throughout I held my purpose, and he his. I made use of every endeavour to draw him into controversy, and filled my letters with definitions, inquiries, arguments, objections, and consequences, and required explicit answers; he, on the other hand, shunned every thing controversial, as much as possible, and filled his letters with the most useful, and least offensive instructions; except that now and then he dropped hints concerning the necessity, and the true nature and efficacy of faith, and the manner in which it was to be sought and obtained; and concerning some other matters, suited, as he judged, to help me forward in my inquiry after truth. But they much offended my prejudices, afforded me matter of disputation, and at that time were of little use to me.

This, however, is certain, that through the whole of the correspondence, I disputed with every argument I could devise against almost every thing he advanced; was very much nettled at many things he asserted: I read great part of his letters, and some books he sent me, with much indifference and contempt; construed his declining controversy into an acknowledgment of weakness; and triumphed in many companies as having confuted his arguments. And at the last, when I could not obtain my end, at my instance the correspondence was dropped.

His letters and my answers are now by me; and on a careful perusal of them, compared with all that I can recollect concerning this matter, I give this as a faithful account of this correspondence, though different from what has been represented. His letters will, I hope, shortly be made public, being such as promise greater usefulness to others, than, through my proud, contentious spirit, I experienced from them. Mine deserve only to be forgotten, except, as they are useful to me to remind me what I was, and to mortify my pride; as they illustrate my friend’s patience and candour, in so long bearing with my ignorance and arrogance; and notwithstanding my unteachable, quarrelsome temper, continuing his benevolent labours for my good; and especially as they remind me of the goodness of God, who, though he abominates and resists the proud, yet knows how to bring down the stout heart, not only by the iron rod of his wrath, but by the golden sceptre of his grace.

In this manner our correspondence and acquaintance, for the present, were almost wholly broken off; for along time we seldom met, and then only interchanged a few words on general topics of conversation. Yet all along he perseveringly told me, to my no small offence, that I should accede one day to his religious principles; that he had stood on my ground, and that I should stand on his; and he constantly informed his friends, that, though slowly, I was surely feeling my way to the knowledge of the truth. So clearly could he discern the dawnnigs of grace in my soul, amidst all the darkness of depraved nature, and obstinate rebellion to the will of God.

This expectation was principally grounded on my conduct in the folio wing circumstances: Immediately after the commencement of our correspondence, namely, in May, 1775, whilst my thoughts were much engrossed by some hopes of preferment; one Sunday, during the time of divine service, when the psalm was named, I opened the prayer book to turn to it; but, (accidentally shall I say, or providentially?) I opened upon the articles of religion: and the eighth, respecting the authority and warrant of the Athanasian creed, immediately engaged my attention. My disbelief of the doctrine of a trinity, co-equal persons in the unity of the Godhead, and my pretensions to candour, both combined to excite my hatred to this creed; for which reasons, I had been accustomed to speak of it with contempt, and to neglect reading it officially. No sooner, therefore, did I read the words, “That it was to be thoroughly received and believed; for that it might be proved by most certain warrants of holy scripture;” than my mind was greatly impressed and affected. — The matter of subscription immediately occurred, and from that moment I conceived such scruples about it, that until my view of the whole system of gospel doctrine was entirely changed, they remained insuperable.

‘Tis wisely said by the son of Sirach, “My son, if thou come to serve the Lord, prepare thy soul for temptation.” I had twice before subscribed these articles, with the same religious sentiments I now entertained. But conscience being asleep, and the service of the Lord no part of my concern, I considered subscription as a matter of course, a necessary form, and very little troubled myself about it. But now, though full of pride, of ambition, and of the love of the world, my heart was sincerely toward the Lord, and I dared not to venture on a known sin deliberately, for the sake of temporal interest. Subscription to articles which I did not believe, paid as a price for church preferment, I looked upon as an impious lie, a heinous guilt, that could never truly be repented of without throwing back the wages of iniquity. The more I pondered it, the more strenuously my conscience protested against it. At length, after a violent conflict betwixt interest and conscience, I made known my scruples, and my determination not to subscribe: thus my views of preferment were deliberately given up, and with an increasing family I was left, as far as mere human prudence could discern, with little other prospect than that of poverty and distress. My scruple was, as I now see, a mistaken one; much self-sufficiency, undue warmth of temper, and obstinacy, were betrayed in the management of this affair, for which I ought to be humbled. But my adherence to the dictates of my conscience, and holding fast my integrity in such trying circumstances, I never did, nor I trust ever shall, repent of.

No sooner was my determination known, than I was much blamed by many of my friends. They all, I am sensible, did it out of kindness to me, but they used arguments of different kinds. And though I was confirmed in niy resolution by the reasonings used to induce me to alter it; yet were they at length made instrumental in bringing me to this important determination:” not to believe what any man said, as to take it upon his authority, but to search the word of God with this single intention, to discover whether the articles of the church of England in general, and this creed in particular, were, or were not agreeable thereto.’’ I had studied the Scriptures in some measure before, for the sake of becoming acquainted with the original languages, and in order to fetch thence detached texts to support my own system; and I had a tolerable acquaintance with the historical and preceptive parts of them: but I had not searched this precious repository of divine knowledge, with the express design of discovering the truth in controverted matters of doctrine. I had very rarely been troubled with suspi cions that I was or might be mistaken; and now rather thought of becoming better quaUfied upon scriptural grounds to defend my determination,lhanof being led to any change of sentiments.

However, I set about the inquiry; and the first passage, as I remember, which made me suspect that I might be wrong, was James i. 5. “If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God, who giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.” On considering these words with some attention, I became conscious, that though I had thought myself wise, yet certainly I had obtained none of my wisdom in this manner; for I had never offered one prayer to that effect in my life: and I also perceived this text contained a suitable direction, and an encouraging promise in my present inquiry: and from this time, in my poor manner, I began to ask God to give me this promised wisdom.

Shortly after I meditated upon, and preached from John vii. 16, 17. “My doctrine is not mine, but his that sent me; if any man will do his will, he shall know” of the doctrine whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself” I was surprised that I had not before attended to such remarkable words. I discovered that they contained a direction and a promise calculated to serve as a clue in extricating the sincere inquirer after truth from that labyrinth of controversy wherein, at his first setting out, he is likely to be bewildered. And though my mind was too much leavened with the pride of reasoning, as yet, to reap that benefit from this precious text, which it is capable of affording to the soul that is humbly willing to be taught of God; yet, being conscious that I was willing to risk every thing in doing what I thought his will; I was encouraged with the assurance, that if I were under a mistake, I should some time discover it.

I was further led to suspect that I might possibly be wrong, because I had not hitherto sought the truth in the proper manner, by attending to Proverbs iii. 5, 6.” Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not to thine own understanding: in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.’^ Evidently I had not hitherto trusted in the Lord with all my heart, nor acknowledged him in all my ways, nor depended on his directions in all my paths; but in my religious speculations, had leaned wholly to my own understanding.

But though these passages, and some others, made for the present a great impression upon me, and influenced me to make it a part of my daily prayers, that I might be directed to a right understanding of the word of God; yet my pride and addictedness to controversy had, as some desperate disease, infected my whole soul, and I was not to be cured all at once. I was far from being like a little child, sitting humbly and simply at the Lord’s feet, to learn from him the very first rudiments of divine knowledge. I had yet no abiding suspicion, that all which I had heretofore accounted wisdom was foolishness, and must be unlearned, and counted loss, before I could attain to the excellency of the true knowledge of Jesus Christ: for though I began to allow it probable, that in some few matters I might have been in an error, yet in the main I still was confident my scheme of doctrine was true. When I was pressed with objections and arguments against any of my sentiments, and when doubts began to arise in my mind, to put off the uneasiness thereby occasioned, my constant practice was to recollect, as far as I could, all the reasonings and interpretations of Scripture, on the other side of the question; and when this failed of affording satisfaction, I had recourse to controversial writings. — This drew me aside from the pure word of God, occasioned my being more remiss and formal in prayer, and furnished me with defensive armour against my convictions, with fuel for my passions, and food for my pride and self sufficiency.

At this time, “Locke’s Reasonableness of Christianity,” together with his “vindications of it,” became my favourite piece of divinity. 1 studied this, and many other of Mr. Locke’s works, with great attention, and a sort of bigoted fondness; taking him almost implicitly for my master, adopting almost all his conclusions, borrowing many of his arguments, and being scarcely able to endure such as would not agree with me in my partiality for him. This was of great disservice to me,* as, instead of getting forward in my inquiry after truth, I was thereby furnished with more ingenious and specious arguments wherewith to defend my mistakes.

But I read one book at this time, because mentioned with approbation by Mr. Locke, that was of singular use, namely, “Bishop Burnet’s Pastoral Care.” Therein I found but little that offended my prejudices, and many things, which came home to my conscience, respecting my ministerial obligations. A few short extracts I shall lay before the reader, that were most affecting to my own mind. Page 111, having mentioned the question proposed to those who are about to be ordained deacons:” Do you trust that you are inwardly moved by the Holy Ghost to take upon you this office, to serve God, for

* After having spoken so freely of Mr. Locke’s divinity, which I once so highly esteemed, it seems a piece of justice to acknowledge the very great obligations, which the whole religious world is under to this great man, for his Treatise on Toleration, and his answers to those who wrote against it. The grounds of religious liberty, and the reasons why every one should be left to his own choice, to worship God according to his conscience, were perhaps never generally understood since the foundation of the world, until by these publications, Mr. Locke unanswerably made them manifest.

promoting his glory, and the edifying of his people?” He adds, “Certainly the answer that is made to this, ought to be well considered; for if any one says, ‘I trust so,’ that yet knows nothing of any such motion, and can give no account of it, he Ues to the Holy Ghost, and makes his first approach to the altar with a lie in his mouth, and that not to men, but to God.” And again, p. 112, “Shall not he (God) reckon with those, who dare to run without his mission, pretending that they trust they have it, when perhaps they understand not the importance of it; nay, and perhaps some laugh at it, as an enthusiastical question, who yet will go through with the office! They come to Christ for the loaves; they hope to live by the altar and the gospel, how little soever they serve at the one, or preach at the other; therefore they will say any thing that is necessary for qualifying them to this, whether true or false.”

Again, page 122, having interwoven a great part of the excellent office of the ordination of priests, into his argument concerning the importance of the work and weight of the ministry; he adds, “Upon the whole matter, either this is all a piece of gross and impudent pageantry, dressed up in grave and lofty expressions, to strike upon the weaker part of mankind, and to furnish the rest with matter to their profane and impious scorn; or it must be confessed that priests come under the most formal and express engagements to constant and diligent labour, that can be possibly contrived, or set forth in words.” He concludes this subject of the ordination offices, with exhorting all candidates for orders, to read them frequently and attentively, during their season of preparation; that they may be aware beforehand of the obligations they are about so solemnly to enter into; and to peruse them at least four times in a year, ever after their ordination, to keep in their minds a continual remembrance of their important engagements. How necessary this counsel is, every minister, or candidate for the ministry, must determine for himself: for my part, I had never read the office over once, when I was ordained, and was in great measure a stranger to the obligations I was about to enter into, until the very season; nor did I ever afterward attend thereto, till this advice put me upon it. The shameful negligence, and extreme absurdity of my conduct in this respect, are too glaring not to be understood, and applied by every one who hath been guilty of a similar omission. I would therefore only just mention, that hearty, earnest prayer to God, for his guidance, help, and blessing, may be suitably recommended as a proper attendant on such perusal of our obligations.

Again, p. 147, he thus speaks of a wicked clergyman: “His whole life has been a course of hypocrisy in the strictest sense of the word, which is the acting of a part, and the counterfeiting another person. His sins have in them ail possible aggravations; they are against knowledge and against vows, and contrary to his character: they carry in them a deliberate contempt of all the truths and obligations of religion; and if he perishes, he doth not perish alone, but carries a shoal down with him, either of those who have perished in ignorance through his neglect, or of those who have been hardened in their sins through his ill example.” Again, p. 138, having copiously discoursed of the studies befitting ministers, especially the study of the Scriptures, he adds, “But to give all these their full effect, a priest that is much in his study, ought to employ a great part of his time in secret and fervent prayer, for the direction and blessing of God in his labours, for the constant assistance of his Holy Spirit, and for a lively sense of divine matters; that so he may feel the impressions of them grow deep and strong upon his thoughts; this, and this only, will make him go on with his work whhout wearying, and be always rejoicing in it.’’

But the chief benefit that accrued to me from the perusal of this book was this: I was excited by it to an attentive consideration of those Scriptures which speak of the obligations and duties of a minister, and which hitherto I had not observed, or very loosely attended to. In particular, it is yet fresh in my memory, thai I was much affected with considering the charge of precious souls committed to me, and the awful account one day to be rendered of them; as this subject occurred to me in meditating on Ezekiel xxxiii. 7, 9. “So thou, Oson of man! I have set thee as a watchman unto the house of Israel: therefore thou shalt hear the word at my mouth, and warn them from me. — When I say unto the wicked, 0 wicked man, thou shalt surely die; if thou dost not speak to warn the wicked from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity, but his blood will I require at thine hand. Nevertheless, if thou warn the wicked of his way, to turn from it; if he do not turn from his way, he shall die in his iniquity, but thou hast delivered thy soul.” I was fully convinced with Bishop Burnet, that every minister is as much concerned in this solemn warning, as the prophet himself. Acts xx. 17 — 35, was another portion of Scripture, which, by means of this book was brought home to my conscience; especially ver. 26, 27,28, which serve as an illustration of the foregoing Scripture: “Wherefore I take you to record this day, that I am pure from the blood of all men, for I have not shunned to declare unto you all the counsel of God. Take heed, therefore, unto yourselves, and to all the flock over which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood. ‘^

III short, at his instance I was put upon the attentive and repeated perusal of the Epistles to Timothy and Titus, as containing the sum of a minister’s duty in all ages. I searched out, and carefully considered every text I could find in the whole Scripture, which referred to this argument. I was greatly impressed by 1 Cor. ix. 16. “For necessity is laid upon me: yea, wo is me, if I preach not the Gospel.’’ Nor was I less struck with Colossians, iv. 17. “Say to Archippus. Take heed to the ministry which thou hast received of the Lord, that thou fulfil it.” This was brought to my conscience with power, as if the Apostle had in person spoken these words to me. But especially I was both instructed and encouraged by meditating upon 1 Peter v. 2 — 4. “Feed the flock of God that is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind, neither as being lords over God’s heritage, but as examples to the flock: and when the chief Shepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory, that fadeth not away.”

I hope the reader will excuse my prolixity in speaking on this subject; because in itself it is very important; and though I got no new views of gospel truth from this book, yet I received such a deep conviction of the diflicuhy and importance of that work, in which I had thoughtlessly engaged, and of the imminent danger my soul was exposed to, if I neglected to devote myself wholly thereto; that therein was laid the foundation of all my subsequent conduct, and change of sentiment. Indeed, I was guilty of very criminal procrastination, after I had been thus convinced; and being engaged more than I ought in other matters, I postponed and neglected, for a time, complying with the dictates of my conscience. But I never lost sight of the instruction I had received, nor ever had any comfortable reflection, until having broken off’all other engagements, I had given myself up to those studies and duties which pertain unto the work of the ministry. And I have cause to bless God, that this book ever came in my way.

Still, however, my self-confidence was very little abated, and my advance in the knowledge of the truth very small. I next read Tillotson’s sermons, and Jorlin’s works; and my time being otherwise engaged, I gave in to the indolent custom of transcribing their discourses with some alterations, to preach to my people. This precluded free meditation on the word of God, and led me for a time to take up my opinions upon trust. My preaching was in general that smooth palatable mixture of law and gospel, which corrupts both; which, flattering the pride and prejudice, and soothing the conscience, pleases the careless sinner, and self-righteous formalist; but does real good to none.

About this time I foolishly engaged in a course of diversion and visiting, more than I had done since my ordination: this unfitted me for secret prayer and close meditation, and rendered the Scriptures, and other religious studies, insipid and irksome to me, (a never-faihng consequence of this vain compliance with the world.) For a time, therefore, my ardour was damped, my anxiety banished, and my inquiries retarded. However, I was not permitted entirely to drop my religious pursuits; generally I made it a rule to read something in the Scriptures every day, and had a task of daily devotion; but I was very formal and lifeless in both of them.

Yet not long after I was engaged in earnest meditation on our Lord’s discourse with Nicodemus, (John iii.) 1 felt an anxious desire to understand this interesting portion of Scripture; especially to know what it was to be born again, or from above, and of the Spirit; which in five verses our Saviour hath three times declared absolutely necessary to salvation. It was absurd to suppose that such strong expressions implied no more than baptism with water. Tillotson’s controversial sermons on this subject, afforded me no satisfaction. Some great and total change I supposed to be intended, not only in the behaviour but also in the heart. But having not yet clearly experienced that change, I could not understand wherein it consisted. However, having offered some poor prayers for divine leaching, I undertook to preach upon it; but I talked very darkly, employed a considerable part of my time in declaiming against visionaries and enthusiasts, and reaped very little benefit from it. Yet I was so well satisfied with my performance, that in the course of my

correspondence with Mr., I sent him

these sermons for his perusal; who, in return, sent me some of his own upon the same subject. But though sincerely desirous to understand our Lord’s meaning in this important matter, I was too proud to be taught by him: I cast my eye, therefore, carelessly, over some of them, and returned the manuscript without attending to any thing contained in it.

Nothing material occurred after this, until the next spring, 1776; when I was induced by what I had learned from Bishop Burnet, to establish a lecture once a week in one of my parishes, for expounding the Scriptures. This brought many passages, which I had not observed, under attentive consideration, and afforded my reflecting mind abundance of employment, in attempting to reconcile them with each other, and with my scheme of doctrine.

Little progress, howevler, had been made when, ill May, 1776, I heard a dignified clergyman, in a visitation sermon, recommend Mr. Soame Jenyns’s “Treatise on the internal evidences of Christianity.” In consequence of this recommendation, I perused it, and not unprofitably. The truth and importance of the gospel revelation appeared with convincing evidence to my understanding, and came with efficacy to my heart, by reading this book: thence I received more distinct and heart-affecting views of the design of God in this revelation of himself; and I was led to much serious reflection, and earnest prayer, to be led to, or est’^iblished in the truth, concerning the nature and reality of the atonement by the death of Christ, for hitherto I was a Socinian, or very little better in this respect.

But to counterbalance this advantage. Dr. Clarke’s Scripture doctrine of the Trinity, and the controversy which ensued upon its publication, became a favourite part of my study. The Arian scheme seems so inconsistent with reason, that when reflecting men, in order to avoid those mysterious, and, as they imagine, unreasonable conclusions, which, according to the true meaning of words, the Scriptures contain, have been induced to become Arians; it is wonderful they do not, for the same cause, embrace the Socinian system. This is the natural progress of unhumbled reason; from Arianism to Socinianism; from Socinianism to Deism; and then to Atheism. Many and awful have been the examples of reasoning and learned men, who, under the name of philosophers, arrogating to themselves the prerogative of superior discernment, have manifested the propriety with which they claimed this pre-eminence, by treading this downhill road, almost, if not quite, to the very bottom. But when a man has fallen so low as Socinianisni, not merely for want of information, or by blindly and implicitly adopting the sentiments of other men, but by leaning on his own understanding, and preferring the conclusions of his own reason, to the infalHble dictates of the Holy Ghost; it is not common for him to return gradually by the retrogade path, first to Arianism, and then to the received doctrine of the Trinity. Yet this was my case. Dr. Clarke appeared to me so undeniably to establish his argument, by express Scripture evidences, and so plausibly defended his system on both hands, and backed his cause with so many seeming authorities, that on one side I found myself unable any longer to maintain my Socinian principles, but was constrained to relinquish them as untenable; and on the other, I was not aware of the flaw in his reasoning, and the unavoidable consequence of his middle doctrine; namely, that the Son, and Holy Ghost, however exalted, or dignified with names and titles, must either be mere creatures, or that otherwise there must be three Gods. Not perceiving this, and my newly acquired reverence for Scripture, and my old self-confidence and fondness for reasoning, being, by this conciliating scheme, both humoured, 1 cordially acceded to his sentiments, and for a long time could not endure any other doctrine.

Nothing further, of any consequence, occurred till about December, 1776, when Mr. Law’s “Serious Call,” a book I had hitherto treated with contempt, was carelessly taken up by me. But I had no sooner opened it, than I was struck with the originality of the work, and the spirit and force of argument wherewith it is written. This I speak merely as to his management of the subject he treats of; for there are many things in it, that I am far from approving; and to be sure it contains as little gospel, as any book of religion I am acquainted with. But though a very uncomfortable book for a person who is duly brought under a serious concern for his soul; yet it is very useful to prepare the way, to show the need which we have of a Saviour, and to enforce the practice of that holy diligence in the use of means, which the important interests of eternity reasonably demand. This was its use to me. By the perusal of it, I was convinced that I was guilty of great remissness and negligence; that the duties of secret devotion called for far more of my time and attention than had been hitherto allotted to them; that if I hope to save my own soul, and the souls of those that heard me, I must in (his respect greatly alter my conduct, and increase njy diligence in seeking and serving the Lord. From that time I began to study in what manner my devotions might be rendered more fervent and pertinent; I transcribed and laid up in my memory, Scripture petitions; I employed sometime in reading manuals of devotion, made attempts to compose prayers myself, and became more frequent and earnest, and I trust more spiritual than heretofore, in my secret addresses to the Majesty of Heaven.

About this time, after many delays, I complied with the admonitions of my conscience, and disengaged myself from all my other employments, with a solemn resolution of leaving all my temporal concerns in the hands of the Lord, and of entirely devoting myself to the work of the ministry. Being thus become master of all my time, I dropped every other study, and turned the whole current of my reflections, inquiries,and reading into another channel, and thenceforth scarce opened a book, which treated of any thing beside religion.

The first step I took after this disengagement, was to keep common-place books; one I had for noting down remarkable passages out of other authors; and another for collecting into one view every text I could meet with in Scripture, respecting the most important and controverted doctrines of the gospel. — Though I held to this but a little time, (for when my engagements multiplied, I dropped it,) yet I found it very useful, in bringing me acquainted with many passages of the word of God, to which I had not hitherto much attended; and it prepared the way for penning my sermons on doctrinal subjects, with the scripture testimonies concerning the point in hand, in one view before me.

In January, 1777, I met with a very high commendation of Mr. Hooker’s works, with the honourable distinction of judicious bestowed upon him. This excited my curiosity to read his book, which accordingly I did, with great profit. In his discourse upon justification, page 496, folio edition, printed 1682, I met with the following remarkable passage, which, as well for its excellency, as for the effect thereof upon my religious views, I shall, though somewhat long, transcribe. “If our hands did never offer violence to our brethren, a bloody thought doth prove us murderers before him. If we had never opened our mouth to utter any scandalous, offensive, or hurtful word, the cry of our secret cogitations is heard in the ears of God. If we did not commit the sins, which daily and hourly, in deed, word, or thoughts, we do commit; yet in the good things which we do, how many defects are there intermingled! God, in that which is done, respecteth the mind and intention of the doer; cut off then all those things, wherein we have regarded our own glory, those things which men do to please men, and to satisfy our own liking, those things which we do for any by respect, not sincerely, and purely for the love of God; and a small score will serve for the number of our righteous deeds. Let the holiest and best things which we do, be considered: we are never better affected unto God, than when we pray; yet when we pray, how are our affections many times distracted! how little reverence do we show tmto the grand Majesty of heaven, unto whom we speak! how little remorse of our own miseries! how little taste of the sweet influence of his tender mercies do we feel! Are we not as unwilling many times to begin, and as glad to make an end, as if in saying, Call upon me,’ he had set us a very burdensome task? It may seem somewhat extreme, which I will speak; therefore let every one judge of it, even as his own heart shall tell him, and no otherwise. I will but only make a demand! if God should yield unto us, not as unto Abraham; if fifty, forty, thirty, twenty, yea, or if ten good persons could be found in a city, for their sakes, the city should not be destroyed: but, and if he should make us an offer thus large: Search all the generations of men since the fall of our father Adam; find one man, that hath done one action, which hath passed from him pure without any stain or blemish at all; and for that one man’s only action, neither men nor angels shall feel the torments which are prepared for both. Do yoa think that this ransom to deliver men and angels could be found among the sons of men? The best things which we do have somewhat in them to be pardoned; how then can we do any thing meritorious, or worthy to be rewarded? Indeed, God liberally promiseth whatsoever appertaineth to a blessed life to as many as sincerely keep his law, though they be not exactly able to do it. Wherefore we acknowledge a dutiful necessity of doing well, but the meritorious dignity of doing well we utterly renounce. We see how far we are from the perfect righteousness of the law; the little fruit, which we have in holiness, it is, God knoweth, corrupt and unsound; we put no confidence at all in it; we challenge nothing in the world for it; we dare not call God to reckoning, as if we had him in our debt books. Our continual suit to him is, and must be, to bear with our infirmities, and pardon our offences.”

I had no sooner read this passage, than I acquired such an insight into the strictness and spirituality of the divine law, and the perfection which a just and holy God, according to that law, cannot but require in all the services of his reasonable creatures; that I clearly perceived my very best duties on which my main dependence had hitherto been placed, to be mere specious sins; and my whole life appeared to be one continued series of transgressions. I now understood the apostle’s meaning, when he affirms, “That by the works of the law can no flesh be justified before God.” All my difficulties in this matter vanished; all my distinctions and reasonings about the meaning of the words law and justification, and all my borrowed criticisms about them, failed me at once. I could no longer be thus amused; for I was convinced, beyond the possibility of a doubt, that all men were so notoriously transgressors of every law of God, that they none of them could be justified in his sight, according to any law: I was sensible that if God should only call me into judgment before him, according to the strictness of his perfect law, for the best duty I ever performed, I must be condemned as a transgressor; when weighed in these exact balances, it would be found wanting. Thus was I effectually convinced, that if ever I were saved, it must be in some way of unmerited mercy and grace, though I understood not clearly in what way, till long after. Immediately, therefore, I took for my text, Galatians iii. 22. “But the Scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise that is by faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to them that believe;” and preached from it according to Hooker’s doctrine; expressing, as strongly as I could, the defilements of our best actions, and our need of mercy in every thing we did; in order the more evidently to show that salvation was of grace, through faith, not of works, lest any man should boast. However, I had not yet attained unto the knowledge of the foulness of that fountain whence all these poHuted streams flow forth so plentifully into our lives and conversations.

I was not then able to receive the following nervous passages concerning justification, (p. 495.) “But the righteousness, wherein we must be found, if we will be justified, is not our own; therefore we cannot be justified by any inherent quality; Christ hath merited righteousness for as many as are found in him. In him God findeth us if we be faithful; for by faith we are incorporated into Christ. Then, although in ourselves we be altogether sinful and unrighteous, yet even the man who is impious in himself full of iniquity, full of sin; him being found in Christ through faith, and having his sin remitted through repentance; him God upholdeth with a gracious eye, putteth away his sin by not imputing it; taketh quite away the punishment due thereunto by pardoning it; and accepteth him in Jesus Christ as perfectly righteous, as if he had fulfilled all that was commanded him in the law. Shall I say more perfectly righteous, than if himself had fulfilled the whole law? I must take heed what I say; but the apostle saith, * God made him to he sin for us, who knew no sin, that we might he made the righteousness of God in him.’’ Such are we in the sight of God the Father, as is the very-Son of God himself. Let it be counted folly, or frenzy, or fury, whatsoever; it is our comfort and our wisdom; we care for no knowledge in the world but this, that man hath sinned, and God hath suffered; that God hath made himself the Son of man, and that men are made the righteousness of God,”

Equally determinate and expressive is what he says, p. 500, “As for such as hold with the church of Rome, that we cannot be saved by Christ alone without works, they do not only by a circle of consequence, but directly, deny the foundation of faith; they hold it not; no, not so much as by a single thread.” If the judicious Mr. Hooker’s judgment may, in this important concern, be depended on, as I suppose it will not easily be proved erroneous, I fear the foundation, of faith is only held by a small part of that church which has honoured her champion with this distinction.

Page 50S and 509, he thus defends his doctrine against the objections of the Papists, (for at that time none but the Papists objected to it,)” It is a childish cavil, wherewith, in the matter of justification, our adversaries do so greatly please themselves, exclaiming that we tread all Christian virtues under our feet, and require nothing of Christians but faith; because we teach that faith alone justifieth. Whereas, by this speech we never meant to exclude either hope or charity from being

72 THE FOKCE OF TRrTH:

always joined as inseparable mates with faith, in the man that is justified; or works from being added as necessary duties required at the hands of every justified man; but to show that faith is the only hand which putteth on Christ unto justification; and Christ the only garment, which being so put on, covereth the shame of our defiled natures — hideth the imperfection of our works — preserveth us blameless in the sight of God: before whom, otherwise, the weakness of our faith were cause sufficient to make us culpable, yea, to shut us from the kingdom of heaven, where nothing that is not absolute can enter,”

Had I at this time met with such passages in the writings of the Dissenters, or any of those modern publications, which, under the brand of methodistical, are condemned without reading, or perused with invincible prejudice, I should not have thought them worth regard, but should have rejected them as wild enthusiasm. But I knew that Hooker was deemed perfectly orthodox, and a standard writer, by the prelates of the church in his own days. I learned from his dispute with Mr. Travers, that he was put upon his defence, for making concessions in this matter to the church of Rome, which the zealous Protestants did not think warrantable; that he was judged by the more rigid, too lax in his doctrines; by none too rigid. I had never heard that it had been insinuated, that he was tinctured with enthusiasm; and the so-AN AUTHENTIC NARRATI’^E. 73

lidity of his judgment, and acuteness of his reasoning faculties, needed no voucher to the attentive reader. His opinion therefore carried great weight with it; made me suspect the truth of my former sentiments, and put me upon serious inquiries, and deep meditation upon this subject, accompanied with earnest prayers for the teaching and direction of the Lord therein. The result was, that after many objections, and doubts, and much examination of the word of God, in a few months I began to accede to Mr. Hooker’s sentiments. And at the present my opinion in this respect, as far as I know, coincides with these passages of this eminent author, and is supported and vindicated with the same arguments; he, therefore, who would prove our doctrine of justification by faith alone to be an error, will do well to answer in the first place these quotations from Mr. Hooker.

And, indeed, as far as I can understand him, there is scarce any doctrine, which, with no inconsiderable offence, I now preach, that is not as evidently contained in his writings, as in my sermons. Witness particularly his “Discourse of the certainty, and perpetuity of faith in the elect,” in which the doctrine of the final perseverance of true believers, as far as seems worth contending for, is expressly taught and maintained: And he closes it with this noble triumph of full assurance, as resulting from that comfortable doctrine in the hearts of confirmed and experienced Christians: (page 532.) “I know in whom I have beUeved; I am not ignorant whose precious blood has been shed for me; I have a shepherd full of kindness, full of care, full of power; unto him I commit myself. His own finger hath engraven this sentence in the tables of my heart: Satan hath desired to winnow thee as wheat, but I have prayed that thy faith fail not; therefore the assurance of my hope I will labour to keep as a jewel unto the end, and by labour through the gracious mediation of his prayers, I shall keep it.” With such words in my mouth, and such assurance in my heart, I wish to live, and hope to die.

The insertion of these quotations from this old author, I hope will need no apology; many have not his works, and these extracts are worthy of their perusal; others, from these specimens, may be prevailed on to read, what perhaps hath hitherto been an unnoticed book in their studies. Especially I recommend to those who admire him as the champion of their external order and discipline of the church, and such as willingly allow him the honour of being distinguished by the epithet judicious; that they would attentively read, and impartially consider his doctrine. This would put an effectual stop to those declamations, that either ignorantly or maliciously are made against those very doctrines as novel inventions, which have just now been explained and defended, in Mr. Hooker’s own words. For my own part, though I acknowledge that he advances manythings I should be unwilling to subscribe to; yet I heartily bless God, that at this time I read him; the first material alteration that took place in my views of the Gospel,- being in consequence thereof.

One more quotation I shall produce, and so take my leave of him; (page 552,) addressing himself unto the pastors, who are appointed to feed the chosen in Israel, he says, “If there be any feeling of Christ, any drop of heavenly dew, any spark of God’s good Spirit within you, stir it up: be careful to build and edify, first yourselves, and then your flocks, in his most holy faith. I say, first yourselves; for he, which will set the hearts of other men on fire with the love of Christ, must himself burn with love. It is want of faith in ourselves, my brethren, which makes us watchless, (careless,) in building others. We forsake the Lord’s inheritance, and feel it not. What is the reason of this? Our own desires are settled where they should not be. We ourselves are like those women, which have a longing to eat coals, and lime, and filth; we are fed, some with honour, some with ease, some with wealth. The Gospel waxeth loathsome and unpleasant in our taste. How should we then have a care to feed others whh that we cannot fancy ourselves? If faith wax cold and slender in the heart of the prophet, it will soon perish from the ears of the people.’’ ‘Tis not needful to add any reflections upon this passage; every one will readily make them for himself; we are, however, reminded thereby of Solomon’s words, (Eccl. i. 9, 10.) “There is no new thing under the sun; is there any thing whereof it may be said, see this is new? It hath been already of old time which was before us.” (Eccl. iii. 15.) “That which hath been, is now, and that which is to be, hath already been.”

To my shame be it spoken, though I had twice subscribed the articles which allow the book of Homilies to be sound and wholesome doctrine, I had never yet seen them, and understood not what that doctrine was. But now, being engaged in a serious inquiry after truth, and Hooker’s works having given me a most favourable opinion of these old authors, I was inclined to examine them; and read part of the book with some degree of attention. And though many things seemed hard sayings, that I could not receive; yet many others were made very useful to me, especially concerning justification. In short, I perceived that that doctrine which I had hitherto despised as methodistical, was the standard doctrine of the established church, when that book was composed; and, consequently, that it was so still: for that book has lost none of its authority; though much of its esteem with those who subscribe the thirty-nine articles. This weakened my prejudice, though it did not prove the doctrine true.

About this time anew and unexpected effect was produced by my preachitig. I had hitherto been satisfied to see people regularly frequent the church, listen attentively to what was discoursed, and lead moral, decent lives. The way in which I had been led was so smooth, and the progress I had made so gradual; I had lately so little experienced distressing concern for my own soul, and had so little acquaintance with persons conversant with these matters, that though I declared the strictness, and spirituality, and sanction of the law of God in an alarming manner, yet it never occurred to me but that they who profited thereby, would proceed in the same easy gradual way. But I had scarce begun this new method of preaching, when application was made to me by persons in great distress about their souls; their conscience being awakened to a sense of their lost condition by nature and practice, they were anxious in inquiring, what they must do to be saved? I knew not well what to say to them, my views being very clouded, and my sentiments very perplexed concerning justification: but being willing to give them the best counsel I could, I exhorted them to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, though I was neither capable of instructing them concerning the true nature of faith, nor in what manner they were to seek for it. However, I better understood my own meaning, when I advised them to the study of the Scriptures, accompanied with prayer to God, to be led to the right understanding of them; and when I inculcated amendment of life. In this manner the Lord slowly brought them forward: and though, for want of a better instructer, they were a considerable time before they arrived at establishment in the faith, yet some of them, having their minds less leavened with prejudice and the pride of reasoning, were more apt scholars in the school of Christ than I was, and got the start of me in the knowledge both of doctrine and duty; and in their turns became, though without intending it, in some things my monitors, to my no small advantage.

This singular circumstance of being the instrument of a work of grace in others, whilst I myself so little understood the true Gospel of Jesus Christ, very much increased my perplexity. I became doubly earnest to know the truth lest I should mislead those who confided their precious souls to me, as their spiritual instructer. This added to my diligence in reading and meditating on the word of God; and made me more earnest in prayer to be guided to the knowledge of the truth. And under every difficulty I constantly had recourse unto the Lord to preserve me from ignorance and error, and to enable me to distinguish between the doctrines of his word, and the inventions and traditions of men.

At this time I established a weekly lecture for expounding Scripture in my other parish, which occasioned my further acquaintance with the various parts of the word of God. It was my general practice in penning these lectures, to search out all the Scriptures referred to in the margin, and all others I could recollect upon the subject, and to make use of them in explaining each other. This method enabled me to store my memory with texts of Scripture, and made way for a greater exactness in discussing doctrinal subjects, than I had hitherto been acquained with.

In the course of this winter, 1777, I was engaged in deep meditation upon Luke xi. 9. 13; concerning the Holy Spirit being given in answer to prayer. And, at length, having made a collection of all the Scriptures I could meet with which respected that important doctrine, and having diligently compared them together, and meditated upon them, and besought the Lord to fulfil the promise to my soul, I wrote two sermons upon the subject; one from Luke xi. 13. — “If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him.” The other from James i. 16, 17. — “Do not err, my beloved brethren, every good gift, and every perfect gift, is from above, and cometh down from the Father of Lights.” By this my views of a Christian’s privileges and duties in this respect, were much enlarged, and my requests were made known unto the Lord in a more full, exact, and believing manner, than heretofore. — Though much in the dark in many important matters respecting the person, offices, and work of the Holy Ghost; yet I had discovered more of what was promised concerning him, and therefore knew better what to ask for.

My obhgations to Bishop Beveridge are next to be acknowledged. When I first began to peruse his sermons, I conceived a mean opinion of him, and it was sometime before I could prevail with myself to examine any further into his writings; but being now further advanced in my inquiry after truth, those singularities which at first offended me became tolerable, and I began to relish the simplicity, spirituality, and love of Christ, and affection for souls, which eminently shine forth in many places of his works. Indeed I received considerable instruction from him; but especially his sermon on the real satisfaction made by the death of Christ for the sins of believers, was the blessed means of clearing up my views, and confirming my faith respecting that fundamental doctrine of Christianity. On Good Friday, 1777, I preached a sermon upon that subject, from Isaiah liii. 6. “All we like sheep have gone astray; — we have turned every one to his own way, and the Lord hath laid, (hath caused to light,) on him the iniquities of us all.” Wherein I endeavoured to prove that which hath ever since been the sole foundation of all my hopes; namely, that Christ indeed bore the sins of all who should ever truly believe in all their guilt, condennnation, and deserved punishment in his body on the tree. And I explicitly avowed my belief, that Christ, as our surety and bondsman, stood in our law place, to answer all our obligations, and to satisfy divine justice, and the dem.ands of the law for our offences: and I publicly renounced, as erroneous and grievous perversions of Scripture, all my former explanations and interpretations of these subjects.

This was the first doctrine in which I was clearly and fully brought to acknowledge the truth, though I had with no little earnestness for two years been inquiring about it; to so astonishing a degree was my blinded understanding filled with prejudice against the doctrines of the word of God! — Hitherto they had been foolishness to me, but now, under the divine teaching, I began, though very dimly, to discern the wisdom of God in them.

I say dimly, for I was still under many and great mistakes, and in much ignorance in the most important matters. I knew sin to be a transgression of God’s law; but I did not see its odious deformity, in being deliberate rebellion against God’s sovereign authority, and an express contradiction to his holy nature: in charging God foolishly, as either wanting wisdom or goodness in laying such restraints upon the inclinations of his creatures; and as tending to overturn all subordination in the universe, and to introduce anarchy, confusion, and misery, into the whole creation of God. My own best actions I perceived to be defiled; but I understood not that this was the effect of a depraved nature, and a polluted heart. The doctrine of original sin, as the fruitful root of these multiplied evils, was not yet a part of my creed. Inconsistently I was an Arian or a Clarkist in my sentiments concerning the person of Christ, and the divinity of the Holy Ghost. Some faint conception I had formed of that sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in the soul; the beginnings of it I little understood. And I continued to entertain an implacable enmity to the doctrine of election, and those connected with it. But my faith was now fixed upon a crucified Saviour; (though I dishonoured his person and denied his deity,) and I had a sincere desire of being devoted to the Lord. He, therefore, in mercy accepted his own work in my heart, and pardoned all that was mine, and at length extricated me out of that labyrinth of difficulties, in which I was entangled.

About this time, in the course of my lectures, our Lord’s discourse with Nicodemus came again under my consideration. Notwithstanding much meditation and many prayers, I could not satisfy my mind about it. I was convinced some internal change must be implied in the expressions, being born from above, and being born of the Spirit; and according to what I had experienced, I endeavoured to explain it; but I was much in the dark, and had many doubts whether I was right or wrong.

Hitherto, excepting “Leland on the Deistical Writers,’^ I had not read any book written by a dissenter, with the least degree of candour and attention; but at this crisis I met with the first volume of Doctor Evan’s sermons, entitled,” The Christian Temper.’’ I was induced to read it by the recommendation of a friend; but such was my proud, foolish heart, that I opened it with great prejudice, because I understood the author was a dissenter. However, this book came with a blessing; for by perusing it, I at length perceived, that fallen man, both body and soul, is indeed carnal, and sold under sin; that by nature, in every man living, the reasonable and immortal part is destitute of spirituality, immersed in matter, and by a dishonourable and miserable prostitution, is given up to make provision for the flesh to fulfil the lust thereof; and that man must be renewed in the spirit of his mind, new created unto good works, born of the Spirit of God, made partaker of a new and divine nature, before he can possibly be made meet for, or admitted into the kingdom of God. In a very little time all my difficulties about this matter vanished, and the truth became so exceedingly plain and evident, that until I had made the experiment, I could scarcely be persuaded, but that every person who heard it rightly explained must assent to it. This doctrine I have ever since invariably preached with good effect, I trust, in opening the eyes of sinners, and turning them from darkness unto light, and from the power of Satan unto God. (Acts xxvi. 28.)

About this time, my acquaintance with

Mr. was resumed. From the conclusion

of our correspondence in December, 1775, till April, 1777, it had been almost wholly dropped. To speak plainly, I did not care for his company; I did not mean to make any use of him as an instructer,and was unwilling the world should think us any-wise connected.

But under discouraging circumstances I had occasion to call upon him; and his discourse comforted and edified me, and my heart being, by his means, relieved from its burden, became susceptible of affection to him. From that time I was inwardly pleased to have him for my friend; though not as now, rejoiced to call him so. However, I had no thoughts of learning doctrinal truth from him, and was ashamed to be detected in his company; but I sometimes stole away to spend an hour with him. About the same time I once heard him preach, but it was still foolishness to me; his sermon being much upon the believer’s experience: and, therefore, though I loved and valued him, I considered him as a person misled by enthusiastical notions, and strenuously insisted that we should never think alike, till we met in heaven.

All along, in the progress of this inquiry, I grew more and more concerned about my character; I saw myself continually verging nearer and nearer to that scheme of doctrine which the world called Methodism: nor could I help it, without doing violence to my convictions. I had, indeed, set out with the avowed, and, I trust, sincere resolution of seeking for the truth, as impartially as possible; and of embracing it wherever I found it, without respect to interest, reputation, or any worldly consideration whatsoever: I had taken patiently, and supported comfortably, the loss of my opening prosepct of preferment, I trust mainly from the supports of grace, and the consciousness of having acted with integrity; but I am not sure, but there might therewith creep in some consolation to my deceitful heart, from a vain imagination that my character would be no loser. Ambitious thirst after the praise of men was much more my peculiar corruption, than covetousness; and I had been in no ordinary degree proud of my natural understanding; the people called Methodists, I had been accustomed to hear mentioned with contempt, as very silly, as fools, and sometimes as madaien; with no small degree of complacency, and self-preference, I too had despised them, as weak enthusiasts. But I now began to be apprehensive, that the tables were about to be turned upon me; if I professed and teached these doctrines, I must no longer be considered as a man of sober understanding, but one of those persons, whose heads being naturally weak, had been turned by religious studies; and who, having fallen under the power of enthusiasm, are become no better than fools.

This was the sharpest trial I passed through, having not yet learned, that, “when we are reproached for the name of Christ, happy are we.” Nor did I remember that the Apostles were fools for Christ’s sake; were deemed to be beside themselves; went through evil report, and good report, as deceivers, and yet true; that they were every where spoken against, as the fellows that turned the world upside down; were treated as vain babblers, and accounted the filth of the world, and the ofFscouring of all things. I did not consider that Jesus himself, the brightness of the Father’s glory, the Word and Wisdom of God, who went about doing good, and spake as never man spake, was not only rejected, but despised, as not worth hearing, as one that had a devil, as in league with the devil, as a blasphemer, a Samaritan, a madman, a devil himself. I read indeed, but my under-Standing was not yet opened to understand such plain Scriptures as these, (John xv. 19, 20;) “If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world; therefore the world hateth you. Remember the word that I said unto you: the servant is not greater than the Lord; if they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you.” And Matt. x. 24, 2^: “The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his Lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of the household?’’ And Matt. v. 11, 12: “Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven; for so persecuted they the prophets, that were before you.” Not being aware of these consequences, when my resolution was first formed, I was as one who hath begun to build without counting the cost, and was greatly disturbed, when I saw the favourite idol of my proud heart, my character, in such imminent danger.

It must be supposed this would make me cautious what doctrines I admitted into my creed; and unwilling to be convinced, that those things were true and miportant, the profession of which was sure to bring infamy on my character; and that even after the fullest conviction, T should thereby be rendered very careful in what manner I preached them. In general, however, though the conflict was sharp, I was enabled to be faithful. The words, “necessity is laid upon me, yea, wo is me, if I preach not the gospel,’^ were commonly upon my mind when I penned my sermons, and when I entered the pulpit; and though when a bold declaration of what I believed to be the truth, with an offensive application of it to the consciences of my hearers, drew opposition and calumny upon me, I have secretly resolved to be more circumspect the next time; yet, when that time came, my heart and conscience being both engaged, I have not dared to conceal one tittle of what appeared to me to be true, and to promise usefuhiess. But whilst with perturbation of mind, and with many disquieting apprehensions, I declared the message with which I supposed myself to be intrusted; to screen myself from the charge of Methodism, and to soften the oflfence, I was frequently throwing out slighting expressions, and bringing the charge of enthusiasm against those who preached such doctrines as I was not yet convinced of On the other hand, my concern about my character quickened me very much in prayer, and increased my diligence in searching the Scriptures, that I might be sure I was not, at this expense, preaching cunningly devised fables, instead of feeding the souls committed to my care, with the unadulterated milk of gospel truth.

In this state of my mind, which is easier understood by experience than description, I met whh Mr. Venn’s Essay on the prophecy of Zacharias. I was no stranger to the character he bore in the eye of the world, and did not begin to read his book with great alacrity, or expectation; however, the importance of the subjects therein treated of engaged my attention, and some degree of impartiality as I proceeded. I disapproved, indeed, and quarrelled with many things; but others evidenced their truth and importance to my understanding and conscience; especially, I found a word in season, respecting my weak and wicked shame and attention to character, in inquiring after divine truth, and in the performance of the important duties of a gospel minister. These solemn words in particular went home to my heart: “If the spirit of the world, pride, carelessness respecting the soul, and the neglect of Christ, be not hateful to God, and destructive to men, the gospel, (with reverence I speak it,) is an imposition. Do you abhor that thought as blasphemy? Abhor as much a fawning upon Christ from year to year in your closet, calling him there your Lord and your God: and then coming out, to consult the world, how far they will allow you to obey his plain commands, without saying you are a Methodist? Cease rather to profess any allegiance to Christ than treat him, under professions of duty, with such contempt. ‘’I would,” saith he to the Church of Laodicea, “thou wert cold or hot, so then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold or hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth.” Rev. iii. 15, 16.

I should as easily be convinced that there was no Holy Ghost, as that he was not present with my soul when I read this passage, and the whole of what Mr. Venn has written upon the subject. It came to my heart with such power, conviction, and demonstration of the Spirit, that it lifted me up above the world, and produced that victory which faith alone can give; and that liberty, which uniformly attends the presence of the Spirit of the Lord. I became at once ashamed of my base ingratitude and foolish fears; and was filled with such consolation, and rejoicing even in the prospect of sacrificing my character, and running the risk of infamy and contempt, as made me entirely satisfied on that head; and, some few unbelieving seasons excepted, I have ever since been very little troubled about being accounted an enthusiast, or a Methodist.

But still I remained as much, and am now more afraid of enthusiasm itself, than ever; and the nearer I verged to what I had ignorantly supposed to be enthusiasm, the more apprehensive I became, lest my earnestness in such interesting inquiries, and the warmth of my natural spirit, thus occasionally increased, should put me off my guard, and betray me into delusions and mistakes. — From this danger I could obtain no security, but by keeping close to the study of the word of God; and by being earnest and particular in praying to be preserved from enthusiasm, and to be enabled to distinguish between the pure revelations of the Holy Spirit, and the inventions of men, or the delusions of the spirit of lies.

The doctrine of a trinity of co-equal persons in the Unity of the Godhead, had been hitherto no part of my creed. I had long been accustomed to despise this great mystery of godliness. I had quarrelled with the articles of the established church about this doctrine: I had been very positive and open in my declarations against it; and my unhumbled reason still retained objections to it. But about June, 1777, I began to be troubled with doubts about it, and to suspect the truth of Dr. Clarke’s hypothesis. I had just read Mr. Lindsey’s Apology and Sequel. Before I saw them, I had made a jest of those who thought of confuting him on the orthodox scheme, and was not without thoughts of maintaining Dr. Clarke’s system against him. But when I understood that he claimed Dr. Clarke as a Socinian, I was surprised, and engaged in much anxious consideration of the subject. The more I studied, the more I was dissatisfied; many things now first occurred to me, as strong objections against my own sentiments upon that head: and being perplexed, and unable to make out a scheme for myself, I easily perceived that I was not qualified to dispute with another person. My pride and my convictions struggled hard for the victory; I was very unwilling to become a Trinitarian in the strict sense of the word, though in my own sense I had for some time pretended to be one; and yet the more I considered it, the more I was dissatisfied with all other

systems. My esteem for Mr., was also

now very much increased; and though I had hitherto concealed this part of my sentiments from him, yet I knew his to be very different; and though I was not willing to be taught by him in other matters, yet in this respect, finding his opinion the same which in all former ages of the church hath been accounted orthodox, while that which I held had all along been branded as heretical, my fears of a mistake were thereby exceedingly mcreased. In this perplexity I applied to the Lord and besought him to lead me to a settled conclusion what was the truth. After much meditation upon this subject, together with a careful examination of all the Scriptures which I then understood to relate thereto, accompanied with a hearty prayer for divine teaching, I was at length constrained to renounce, as utterly indefensible, all my former sentiments, and to accede to that doctrine which I had so long despised. I saw, and could no longer avoid seeing, that the offices and works attributed in Scripture to the Son and Holy Ghost, are such as none but the infinite God could perform; that it is a contradiction to believe the real, and consequently infinite satisfaction to divine justice made by the death of Christ, without believing him to be very God of very God: nor could the Holy Ghost give spiritual life unto, and dwell in the hearts of unbelievers at the same time to suit his work of convincing, enlightening, teaching, strengthening, sanctifying and comforting to the several cases of every individual, were he not the omniscient, omnipresent, infinite God. And being assured from reason, as well as from Scripture, that there is not, and cannot be more Gods than one, Iwas driven from my reasonings, and constrained to submit my natural understanding to divine revelation; and allowing that the incomprehensible God alone can fully know the unsearchable mysteries of his own divine nature, and manner of his own existence to adopt the doctrine of a Trinity in Unity, in order to preserve consistency in my own scheme. But it was a considerable time before I was disentangled from my embarrassments on this subject.

Hitherto my prejudices against Mr. Hervey, as a writer upon doctrinal subjects, had been very strong. I thought him a very pious man,and I had read with pleasure some parts of his meditations; but having considered him an enthusiast, I had no curiosity to read any other of his writings. But about July, 1777, 1 providentially met with his dialogues and letters between Theron and Aspasio, and opening the book, I was much pleased with the first passage on which I cast my eye. This engaged me to read the whole with uncommon attention: nor did I, in twice perusing it, ever meet with any thing contrary to my own sentiments, without immediately beseeching the Lord to guide me to the truth. I trust the Lord heard and answered these my prayers: for though I could not but dissent from him, (as I still do,) in some few things, yet I was very much enlightened thereby, in every thing relative to our fallen, guilty, lost and helplessly miserable state by nature; and the way and manner in which the believer is accounted and accepted as righteous in the presence of a just, holy, and heart-searching, a faithful, and unchangeable God; especially his animated description and application of the stag-chase, cleared up this important matter to my mind, more than any thing I had hitherto met with upon the subject.

I had now acceded to most of the doctrines which at present I believe and preach; except the doctrine of personal election, and those which depend on, and are connected with it. These were still foolishness to me, and so late as August, 1777, I told my friend

Mr., that I was sure I never should be

of his sentiments on that head; to which he answered that if I never mentioned this subject, he never should, as we were now agreed in all he judged absolutely needful; but he had not the least doubt of my very shortly becoming a Calvinist, as I should presently discover my system of doctrine to be otherwise incomplete and inconsistent with itself. And, indeed, by this time I had so repeatedly discovered myself to be mistaken where I had been very confident, that I began to suspect myself in every thing wherein I entertained sentiments different from those with whom I conversed. This did not influence me to take their opinions upon trust; but it disposed me more particularly and attentively to consider them; and in every perplexity to have recourse to the Lord, to be preserved from error, and guided to the truth.

About the same time also, I began to have more frequent applications made to me by persons under deep concern for their souls. My heart was much engaged in this new employment; I was much troubled to see their pressing anxieties, and to hear their doubts, difllculties, and objections against themselves. Being sincerely desirous to instruct them right, and to lead them on to establishment and comfort, I felt my deficiency, and seemed to have no ground to go on, nor any counsel to give them, but what led them into greater perplexity, instead of relieving them. In this case I earnestly besought the Lord to instruct me what word in season to speak unto them.

Thus circumstanced, I read “Witsius Economy of the Covenants,” and observed what use he made of the doctrine of election for this very purpose. This convinced me that the doctrine, if true, would afford that ground of comfort which my people wanted. It would evince that their being awakened out of a careless state, to an earnest concern for, and anxiety about their souls, and to an hearty desire of cleaving unto the Lord; and their want of some security that they should not, through the deceitfulness of their own hearts, their own weakness, the entanglements of the world, and the temptations of Satan, fall back again into their former course of sin, was the work of the Holy Ghost. If this were wrought in consequence of the determinate purpose and foreknowledge of God respecting them, it would follow from the entire and undeserved freeness of this first gift, bestowed on them, when neither desiring nor seeking it, but being in a state of enmity and rebellion against, and neglect of God, and from his unchangeableness in his purposes, and faithfulness to his promises, that he would assuredly carry on, and complete this good work of his grace, and keep the believing soul as in a castle, through faith unto salvation.

Having now considered one use of this doctrine, which before I objected to as useless and pernicious, I began to consider how the other objections which I had been accustomed to urge against it might be answered. ‘Tis true that I began to consider this whole matter as a mystery not to be comprehended, nor yet too curiously searched into by man’s natural reason, but humbly received by faith, just as far as it is plainly revealed in God’s unerring word. Many objections, therefore, I was constrained to leave unanswered, resolving them into the incomprehensible nature of God, whose judgments, and still more his counsels, are, as the great deep, unfathomable; and into the sovereignty of God, who does what he will with his own, and gives no account of any of his matters, let who will presume to find fault: and into his declarations, that his thoughts and ways are as far above our thoughts and ways, as the heavens are above the earth. Here I left this matter, conscious at length, that such knowledge was too high for me, and that if God had said it, it was not my place to cavil against it. I acknowledge this way of answering objections is not very satisfactory to man’s proud curiosity, who would be as God, and know all that God knows, and even dares to dispute with him; and there are sometimes when I can hardly acquiesce in such a solution: but surely it is highly becoming the dependent stale, and limited understand’’^ ’ 9

of the creature, to submit the decision of all such high points imphcitly to the award of the infinitely wise Creator. And the Christian religion expressly requires it of us, for our Lord declares, that “Except we receive the kingdom of God,” (not as a disputing philosopher, but) “as a little child, we shall in nowise enter therein.” The day is coming, when we shall be able to answer all objections. Here we are to walk by faith, and see in part, and as through a glass darkly; hereafter we shall see face to face, and know even as we are known.

Leaving, therefore, all difficulties of a metaphysical nature to be cleared up in that world of light and knowledge, I began to consider the abuses of this doctrine, which I had always looked upon as being a very formidable objection against it. But I soon discovered, that though ungodly men, who make profession of religion, will turn the grace of God into licentiousness; yet that we might so explain and guard these doctrines, that none could thus abuse them, without being conscious that they did so, and detecting their own hypocrisy. It still, indeed, appeared probable to me, that the preaching of them might occasion some trouble of mind at first to a few well disposed persons; but I considered that by a cautious declaration of them, and contrasting them with the general promises of the Gospel to all who believe, this might in a great measure be prevented; and at the worst, a little personal conversation with such persons, would seldom, if ever, fail to satisfy their minds, and even enable them in general to derive encouragement from them; while the unsettling of the minds of such persons, as are carelessly living in an unconverted state, is the great end of all our preaching to them; and therefore we need not fear any bad effect of this doctrine in that respect. The great question therefore was, “are these doctrines in the Bible, or no?” Hitherto I had wilfully passed over, and neglected, or endeavoured to put some other construction upon all those Scriptures which directly speak of them: but now I began to consider, meditate, and pray over them; and I soon found that I could not support my former interpretation of them. They would teach predestination, election, final perseverance and assurance, in spite of all my twisting and expounding. It also occurred to me that though now in disgrace, they were universally believed and maintained by our venerable reformers; that they were admitted, at the beginning of the Reformation, into the creeds, catechisms, or articles of every one of the Protestant churches; that our articles and homilies expressly maintained them: and consequently, that a vast number of wise and sober-minded men, who, in their days, were burning and shining lights, upon mature deliberation, had agreed, not only that they were true, but that they ought to be admitted as useful, or even as necessary articles of faith by every one, who deemed himself called to take upon him the office of a Christian minister.

In the course of this inquiry, I perceived that my system of doctrine was incomplete without them. I believed that men, by nature born in sin, and the children of wrath, by wicked works the enemies of God, being in themselves ungodly, and without strength, were saved of free mercy and grace, without having done any thing, more or less, to deserve it, through the Redeemer’s righteousness and atonement, received by faith, the gift, and operation of God; and accompanied with a new birth of the Spirit, a new creation unto good works, and to the divine image, by the power of the Holy Ghost: and now, therefore, it occurred to me, to inquire from what source these precious blessings, thus freely flowing through the channel of redemption to poor worthless sinners, could originally spring? In this inquiry, my mind being carried back from the consideration of the effectSjto theconsiderationof their causes; and from the promises made to fallen man, to the counsels and purposes of God, which induced him to give those promises; and meditating on the divine perfections, his omniscience, unchangeableness, and eternity, and the end which the all-sufficient God had in view, in all his works, even the manifestation of the glory of his own perfections; I at length perceived, that this great work of redemption, as planned by God, to whom were known all his works from before the foundation of the world, must be the result of his eternal purpose, of displaying the glory of his mercy and grace in harmonious consistency with his most awful justice, and glorious holiness; and thereby manifesting the inexhaustible resources of his manifold wisdom, in thus reconciling, and at one time, and in one work, unitedly glorifying these his attributes, which, considered as perfect, seem, to created understanding irreconcilable to each other. Especially, I was convinced of this, when I discovered, that until the fall of man made way for, and the redemption had manifested the attribute of mercy to sinners, it had, as far as we can learn, been unexercised, and undisplayed, and consequently unknown to any but God himself from all eternity; nor could he have the glory of it, but must have been considered as so perfect in justice and holiness, as to be incapable of exercising mercy, had he not chosen some objects on whom to exercise it, and devised some way wherein to exercise it, in consistency with his other perfections. Thus I perceived redemption to be the effect of a settled design formed in God’s eternal councils, of manifesting himself to his reasonable creatures to be complete, and full orbed in all conceivable perfections; that the merciful and gracious nature of God, the fountain of goodness, alone moved him to choose any transgressors of his law, as objects of his favourable regard; that his unconstrained will and pleasure are the onlyassignable causes of his choosing one, rather than another; that the objections are as strong against this being understood of nations, or collective bodies, as of individuals: that the whole work being his own; his wisdom having devised the means, his love and all-sufRciency having, in the person, offices, and work of Christ, made all things ready; his providence directing absolutely to whom the word of invitation should be sent; and his holy Spirit alone inclining, and enabling the soul to embrace it by faith: therefore, that God, who knoweth the end from the beginning, and is a sovereign, and when none have deserved any thing, may do as he will with his own, did actually “choose every individual believer in Christ, before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love; having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of

his will; to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.” (Eph. i. 4 — 6.) In short, though my objections were many, my anxiety great, and my resistance long, yet by the evidence which, both from the word of God, and from my own meditation, crowded upon my mind, I was at length con-Strained to submit, and God knoweth, with fear and trembling, to allow these formerlydespised doctrines a place in my creed: and accordingly, about Christmas, 1777, I began cautiously to establish the truth of them, and to make use of them for the consolation of poor, distressed, and fearful believers. This was the only use I then knew of them, though I now see their influence in every part of Gospel truth.

However, I would observe, that though I assuredly believe these doctrines, as far as here expressed; (for I am not willing to trace them any higher by reasonings or consequences into the unrevealed things of God,) and though I exceedingly need them in my view of religion, both for my own consolation and security against the consequences of my own deceitful heart, an ensnaring world, and a subtle tempter; as also for the due exercise of my pastoral office; yet I would not be understood to place the acknowledgment of them upon a level with a belief of the doctrines, that have before been spoken of. I can readily conceive the character of an humble, pious, spiritual Christian, who either is an utter stranger to these Calvinistical doctrines, or through misapprehension, or fear of abuse, cannot receive them. But I own that I find a difficulty in conceiving an humble, pious, spiritual Christian, who is a stranger to his own utterly lost condition, to the deceitfulness and depravity of his heart, to

»jf„„i the natural alienation of his affections from God, and to the defilements of his best duties; who trusts either in whole or in part, allowedly, to any thing for pardon and justification, but the blood and righteousness of a crucified Saviour, who is God manifested in the flesh; or who expects to be made meet for the inheritance of the saints in light, in any other way, than by being born again, new created, converted, and sanctified by the divine power of the Holy Ghost.

Sometime in November, 1777, I was by a then unknown friend, furnished with a considerable number of books, written in general by the old divines both of the church of England, and of the Dissenters. And to my no small surprise, I found, that those doctrines, which are now deemed novel inventions, and are called Methodistical, are in these books every where discoursed of as known and allowed truths; and that that system, which, despising to be taught by men, and unacquainted with such authors, I had for near three years together been hammering out of myself with no small labour and anxiety, was to be found ready made to my hands, in every book I opened.

I make no wonder, that the members of the church of England are generally prejudiced against the writing of Dissenters; for I have been so myself to an excess; we imbibe this prejudice with the first rudiments of instruction, and are taught by our whole education to consider it as meritorious; — though no doubt it is a prejudice, of which every sincere inquirer after truth ought to be afraid, and every pretended inquirer ashamed; for how can we determine on which side truth lies, if we will not examine both sides? And indeed it is well known to all those, who are acquainted with the church histories of those times, that until the reign of James the First there were no controversies between the church established, and the Puritans, concerning doctrine; both parties being in all matters of importance of the same sentiments; they only contended about discipline and ceremonies, until the introduction of Arminianism gave occasion to the Calvinists being denominated Doctrinal Puritans. Unto this period all our church writers were Calvinistical in doctrine, and even after that time, many might be mentioned who were allowed friends of the church of England, who opposed these innovations, and agreed in doctrine with every thing that hath been mentioned. Let it suffice, out of many, to recommend Bishop Hall’s works, especially his “Contemplations on the Life of Jesus,” a book not easily too highly prized: and Dr. Reynolds’ works. To these, no true friend to the church of England can reasonably object. And in general I believe, and teach nothing, but what they plainly taught before me, as I could easily prove, but that I have been too tedious already.

I had now got the outUnes of my scheme of doctrine marked out; but I had been so taken up with these doctrinal inquiries, that hitherto I was very much a stranger to the workings of my own heart, and had little experience in my own soul, of the power of these truths. The pride of reasoning, and the conceit of my superior discernment, had all along accompanied me; and though somewhat broken, had yet considerable influence. Hitherto, therefore, I had not thought of hearing any person preach, because I did not know that any person in the circle of my acquaintance, was capable of informing me in any thing deserving attention, of which I was ignorant. But at length perceiving, that in

the whole matter Mr. had been right

and that I had been mistaken, it occurred to me, that having preached these doctrines so long, he must understand many things concerning them, to which I was a stranger, — now, therefore, though not without much remaining prejudice, and not less in the character of a judge than of a scholar, I condescended to be his hearer, and occasionally to attend his preaching, and that of some other ministers. I soon perceived the benefit of this; for, from time to time, I found the secrets of my heart discovered to me, far beyond what I had hitherto noticed myself; and seldom returned from hearing a sermon, without having conceived a meaner opinion of myself; without having attained to a further acquaintance with my deficiencies, my weakness, my corruptions, and wants; and without being suppHed with fresh matter for prayer, and directed to greater watchfulness. Moreover I learned the use of experience in preaching, and was convinced that the ready way to come at other people’s hearts and consciences, was to speak from my own. — In short, I gradually saw more and more of my need of instruction, and was brought to consider myself as a very novice in religious matters. I began experimentally to perceive our Lord’s meaning, when he says, “Except ye receive the kingdom of heaven as a little child, ye shall in no wise enter therein.” — For though my proud heart is continually rebelling, and would fain build up again the former Babel of self-conceit: yet I trust from this time, in my settled judgment, I have desired, and prayed to be enabled, to consider myself as a little child, who ought simply to sit at the master’s feet, to hear his words with profound submission, and wait his teaching with earnest desire and patient attention. And from this time I have been enabled to consider those persons, whose knowledge has been ripened by years, experience, and observation, as fathers and instructers, to take pleasure in their company, value their counsels, and love to attend their preaching.

Thus I trust the old building, that I had purposed to repair, was pulled down to the ground, and the foundation of the new building of God laid aright; old things were passed away, behold all things were become new. What things were gain to me, those I have counted loss for Christ; my boasted reason I discover to be a blind guide, until humbled, enhghtened, and sanctified by the Spirit of God; my former wisdom I now know to have been foolishness, and that when I thought I knew much, I knew nothing as I ought to know. Since this period, every thing I have experienced in my own heart, every thing I have heard and read, every thing 1 observe around me, confirms and establishes me in the assured belief of those truths, which I have received; nor do I in general any more doubt their being from God, than I doubt whether the sun shines when I see its light, and am warmed whh its refreshing beams. I see the powerful effects of them continually among those to whom I preach: experience the power of them daily in my own soul; and while by meditating on, and rejoicing in the cross of Christ, I find the world crucified unto me, and I unto the world; by preaching Jesus Christ, and him crucified, I see notoriously immoral persons influenced to deny ungodliness and worldly lusts, and to live soberly, righteously, and godly in this present world, being an example to such as before they were a scandal to.

And now by this change, the consequences of which I so much dreaded, what have I lost even in respect of this present world? Indeed, I have lost some degree of favour, and escape not pity, censure, scorn, and opposition; but the Lord is introducing me to a new, and far more desirable acquaintance; even to that of those, whom the Holy Ghost hath denominated the excellent of the earth; nay, the Lord the Spirit condescends to be my comforter. In general I enjoy an established peace of conscience through the blood of sprinkling, and continual application to the heavenly Advocate, with a sweet content, and that peace of God which passeth all understanding, in casting all my cares upon him, who careth for me. And I am not utterly left without experience of that joy, which is unspeakable and full of glory. These the world could not give me, were I in favour with it; of these it cannot deprive me by its frowns. My desire henceforth, God knoweth, is to live to his glory, and by my whole conduct and conversation to adorn the doctrine of God my Saviour, and to show forth his praise, who hath called me out of darkness into his marvellous light; to be in some way or other useful to his believing people; and to invite poor sinners, who are walking in a vain shadow, and disquieting themselves in vain, to taste and see how gracious the Lord is, and how blessed they are who put their trust in him.

Now would I tell to sinners round,
What a dear Saviour I have found;
Would point to his redeeming blood,
And cry, behold the way to God!

Thus hath the Lord led me, a poor, bUnd sinner, in a way that I knew not; he hath made darkness light before me, crooked things straight, and hard things easy, and hath brought me to a place, of which I little thought when I set out; and having done these things for me, I believe, yea, I am undoubtedly sure, he will never leave me nor forsake me. To him be the glory of his undeserved, long resisted grace; to me be the shame, not only of all my other sins, but also of my proud and perverse opposition to his purposes of love toward me. But all this was permitted, that my high spirit and stout heart being at length humbled and subdued, I might remember, and be confounded, and never open my mouth more, because of my shame, now that the Lord is pacified to me for all that I have done.

And now, as in the presence of the heart-searching God, 1 have given without one wilful misrepresentation, addition, or material omission, a history of the great things God hath done for my soul; or if that suit not your view of it, a history of that change which hath recently taken place in my religious sentiments and conduct, to the surprise of some, and perhaps displeasure of others of my former friends. The doctrines which I

AN AUTHENTIC NARRATIVE. Ill

have now received, are indeed charged with being destructive of moral practice, and tending to licentiousness; but though I know that my best righteousnesses are as filthy rags, yet I trust I may return thanks to God, that by his grace he hath so upheld me, since this change took place, that I have not been permitted to disgrace the cause in which I have embarked, by any immoral conduct; my rejoicing, in this respect, is this, that in simplicity and godly sincerity, not with fleshly wisdom, but by the grace of God, I have my conversation in the world. And sincerely I may avow, that the belief of these doctrines, hath a quite contrary effect upon me. I most heartily desire, aim, endeavour, and pray to be enabled to love God and keep his commandments, without partiality and without hypocrisy, and so to demean myself, as bywell doing to put to silence the ignorance of foolish men. That I fall so very far short in every thing is not the effect of my new doctrines, but of my old depraved nature, and deceitful heart. Create in m.e a clean heart, 0 God, and renew a right spirit within me!