November 1805 – January 1806
ST. SALVADOR, S. A., Nov. 19, 1805.
MY DEAR SIR:
Our stay at Madeira was so short, that I was obliged to defer writing to you, till our arrival at the next port; and now we have had such sudden notice of the sailing of this packet for Lisbon, that I shall not be able to enlarge so much as I could wish. My health has continued remarkably good; upon the whole I bear the heat as well as any of the passengers. I have walked here for three hours together in the noontide heat of a vertical sun, without any sensible inconvenience. My mind, through the rich mercy of God, enjoys much of that peace which Christ promises to his people — “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you.” I seem to have lost a good deal of that saliency of spirits, which the company of my dearest friends, and the want of offensive objects around me, used to inspire. Here I am, and have enough to break the heart of any one, who has a concern for the honor of God. I perceive it, therefore, to be my business in life, not to look for enjoyment in this world, which lieth in wickedness, but to fulfil as an hireling my day, struggling against Satan, and exposed as a sheep among wolves. God, however, has so far had compassion on his unworthy servants and the perishing souls in the ship, as to gather some of his children from amongst us. There is a small party of us, who meet every day to sing and hear an exposition of scripture. The rest are very hardened and contemptuous; but I trust I shall have grace to instruct in meekness those who oppose themselves. In the meantime, my dear friend, you will continue to put up a prayer occasionally for me to the God of our salvation, who is the confidence of the ends of the earth, and of them who arc afar off upon the sea. It is so long before we are likely to arrive in India, in consequence of the Indiamen being engaged in this expedition, that I seldom think of it. We have been already seventeen or eighteen weeks, and perhaps may be as much longer. However, my time passes very delightfully in learning the language, writing letters, and becoming more acquainted with scripture. Major L gives me but little
encouragement to hope for the conversion of the natives of
India. Being strangers themselves to the power of God
over their own hearts, they see only the arm of man, and
therefore despair. My general reply to them is that which
consoles me;” With men it is impossible, but with God all
things are possible,” I have not been much ashore, because
there are no inns; but the Lord has in kindness furnished
me with a very benevolent friend in Corin, who has given
me a general invitation to his home. I have dined with him
once, and walked round his plantation. The novelty of a
tropical garden afforded me no small amusement, and much
occasion of admiring the grand magnificence of the creatinopower of God. There is an army of 8,000 men with us, so
that almost all the men I see here are military officers. This
is a new scene to me. I hear nothing but the sound of the
trumpet and the alarm of war. Oh! that the day were
come” when nation shall no more lift up sword against
nation!”
I hope, my dear Major, you maintain your ground among the enemies of the Gospel who are found in Helston. Stand fast, beloved brother, clad in the panoply of God, in truth, ‘n righteousness, in peace, in faith, with the word of God.
I delight to offer a word of encouragement to the feeble. I know that your God, in whom you trust, will be your strong rock and defence. Eliza, I may venture to hope, grows in grace; as she reads this, let her be assured of my affectionate remembrances. In the utmost haste, I conclude, dear sir,
H. M.
Nov. 20. “Holiness becometh thine house forever.” Psalm xciii. 5. — Holiness, the everlasting ornament of heaven, and the inhabitants of it. Yes, it is an ornament which my soul shall seek. Found the presence of God this morning, and my soul was delighted with his comforts; I was blessed with a clear view of my duty in respect of the ministry. Captain P., of the W. Pitt, Botany-Bay-man, came on board to beg me to baptize a child of Mr. Bale, who was going out in some office under government to Botany Bay. I was quite rejoiced at the Lord’s thus opening a way to the convicts, without my asking it as a favor of the captain. I went aboard with twenty Testaments, a few copies of the Bible, Saint’s Rest, Call to the Unconverted, Flavel’s Saint Indeed, and a variety of tracts. The baptism was performed in the captain’s cabin, before dinner. Mrs. S. and the mother stood godmothers, and Captain B. godfather. I was grieved to see with what levity they seemed to treat this sacrament. After dinner I walked out in hopes of talking with some of the convicts, but stayed so long with the chief mate conversing about them, that it grew dark. Captain B. granted my request to preach to them, and said he should be very happy to have me, when ever I should like to come. So now may the Lord give me a heart and utterance!
Nov. 24. (Sunday.) Preached on Ephes. ii. 18, and had great assistance. Oh how delightful to preach the Gospel, where the Spirit of God vouchsafes his blessing! Read and sang below in the afternoon, my heart still continuing very happy and joyful. Having heard that the cadets are to be employed in a body in the expedition, I spoke on the subject
to M and B. In the evening ]md a season of prayer
for the church in England, and for myself in the concerns of the mission, which was solemnizing
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Nov. 25. Psalm cvi. 3-5. “Remember me, 0 Lord, with the favor that them bearest unto thy people: 0 visit me with thy salvation; that I may see the good of thy chosen, that I may rejoice in the gladness of thy nation, that I may glory with thine inheritance.” I want the testimonies of the love of God; I feel often serious, often weaned from the world, but seldom joyful: 0 why should I not rejoice in the gladness of thy nation? Though I have lost the company of those whom I love best upon earth, the chief source of this pleasure is the same to me as to them. But I have a stupid indolence and unbelief. In prayer about the middle of the day over Isaiah xlix., found great benefit to my soul. Still there is great unbelief respecting the promises of the increase of the church. In the evening had some assistance in struggling against a carnal mind, and spiritual things were brought home to my soul with power. Oh eternity! Oh that I had constantly the remembrance of it! Feeling great energy in prayer on a certain subject, I endeavored to write upon it, but warmth of thought soon declined.
Nov. 2G. Isaiah xlviii. 17. “1 am the Lord thy God, that teacheth thee to profit, who leadeth thee by the way that thou shouldest go.” In all my unprofitableness and waywardness, this is an encouraging support to my soul, that God will still teach his creatures how to live aright. Though I have neglected his teachings, though I have consequently been doing little or nothing, still it is the covenant attribute of God to afford his gracious instructions for the time to come. Walked more strictly and carefully to-day, and had more of the divine presence. After breakfast I was about Hindoostanee. Finished Orme’s Hindoostan, and began Scott’s History of Deccan.
Nov. 29. Psalm cxxx. 6. “My soul waiteth for the Lord, more than they that watch for the morning.” Being awoke by the wind and rain long before day-light, I waited for the morning with some anxiety; but though my soul findeth more pleasure in the light of God’s countenance, than the eye does in returning day, I fear I do not wait for him in the way of faith and prayer. I thought of England as I sat on the poop, but not with that degree of inward misery as when I left Cork. The benefit of perishing millions was the object, and that animated me to suffer quietly. Was much grieved at some things I heard and observed, in three of the most established saints in the ship; this, among other things, was a source of seriousness in my prayer in the afternoon. The Lord teach his ignorant creature to edify his church, as I am over thine in the Lord! let me have grace and wisdom to admonish them, not as a lord over God’s heritage, but as an ensample to the flock.
Nov. 30. The gale continues; but through the loving-kindness of the Lord, I have been tolerably free from that distressing sensation of sea-sickness. How shall I become
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more active in improving my hours of health to his service? Did nothing this morning, but the casual exercise of reading and prayer, which filled it all up without any extraordinary exercise of devotion. I wish I had a deeper conviction of the sinf ulness of sloth. Oh, when shall I make a duty of activity in holy things! Finding my mind in a solemn state, and disposed to be thankful, that God gave me to find enjoyment in this dark tempestuous scene, when others were at a loss for amusement, I retired to prayer: how affecting is the consideration, that God is present to me in a certain degree in such a place as this, where the angry ocean, lashed into surges, frowns all around with a misty darkness!
DECEMBER 1. (Sunday.) The weather being squally, and a great deal of work to do in the ship, there was no service. I passed my time very comfortably in reading the service and prayer till - — came in, when I read some of Merrick’s Psalms, and found my soul at times full of joy; after dinner went below, and found none but Corporal B. who could sing, all the rest of my choir being employed upon deck. He wras so heavy and unwilling, and so little inclined seemingly to get my people together, that I was quite grieved; however, I was resolved to make an effort towards havino- something
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like a service, and so I stayed the usual time, singing a few hymns with him, and expounding Luke xvii. to a few people there. But it was a very melancholy season; everything seemed languid and lifeness. I went and sat on the poop to take the air, musing in some dejection at the bad appearance of things amongst us, and was ready to take refuge in the reflection, that I was not to blame, that I was willing to lay myself out for them, and never to cease instructing them for a single day, both in public and private. Had several conversations with Captain S S and S, but all to
no purpose; after advancing a little way on religion, they change the subject of conversation, or turn away. In the evening had a long and pleasant remembrance of friends, and particular scenes in England, especially at Cambridge, and took a view of what had been my thoughts with respect to my mission, and what was my present duty and prospect. I found pleasure in the thought of dying entirely to the world, and departing far from friends, and everything that can fasten me to it, in order to dwell alone with God, and learn by his immediate instruction, what is to be done for the kingdom of Christ, and to receive from him a heart and a mind to work.
DEC. 2. “Cause me to hear thy loving-kindness in the morning, for in thee do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my heart unto Thee. Teach me to do Thy will, for Thou art my God. Thy Spirit is good, lead me into the land of uprightness.” Psalm cxliii. 8, 10. Lord, I am blind and helpless, stupid and ignorant. Cause me to hear; cause me to know; teach me to do; lead me. When I kneel to pray, I scarcely know what to ask, so ignorant am I of my wants; when I am most enlightened by God, I see my wants more clearly. Had some thoughts of devoting this day to prayer, but sea-sickness prevented it. In the afternoon expounded Luke xviii. to the soldiers. Corporal B. came to my cabin in the evening for some music books, and I embraced the opportunity of conversing with him about the men. But I could get nothing instructive from him: the peculiar state of my own mind at the time could not bear indifference in another, on what I had my thoughts so engrossed; but I felt quite vexed at his speaking on any other business, but that of the impending scene of battle. Another of my people had occasion to come to me at night, and I had reason to lament the same want of serious reflection in him. Oh wretched creatures that we are! when shall we please Thee, 0 God? 0 teach us to gird up the loins of our minds, to be sober and holy. Make them as well as me to have a tender regard to the souls of their perishing fellow-creatures.
DEC. 3. Designed to set apart this day to fasting and prayer, in behalf of the ship. I found my soul mounting heavenward at the prospect of what was to be my employment to-day. From nine to three, my soul found the especial presence of God, in four successive seasons of prayer, but in none of these was my heart enlarged in intercession for the people of the ship. I tried again and again, but found no words to continue speaking for them, so that my object for them has not ben attained, and I fear that I cannot again venture to fast with prayer for some time, as the position of the body and exercise of mind so weakened me, and produced such a headache, that I was fit for nothing at night, nor even the next morning-. From three till four interceded with serious and delightful feelings for the church, from Isaiah 1, lviii. After taking some tea in the evening, I prayed again with a heart overflowing with joy; I could call God my own God in Christ; I could say in the spirit of adoption, Abba, Father; nothing appeared desirable in the universe, but God, and so I felt exceedingly happy in possessing all that was good. In prayer that God would glorify himself, I cared not by what instrument; I truly felt willing to be despised, and forgotten, so God’s purposes were accomplished respecting the setting up of his kingdom in the world.
DEC. 4. ‘; His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in his law doth he meditate day and night.” Psalm i. It is the thoughtful and heavenly-minded Christian that will be the thriving one. I suppose sometimes, that an uninterrupted waiting upon God in fixed meditation would raise the soul to the highest pitch of devotion; but, alas! the weakness of the flesh interposes a barrier. If the body and mind be exercised too long, the soul sinks again; almost all this day has been lost through fatigue of body and mind. The sensible feeling of love, or joy, or the exercise of thought, put my body to pain. I was chiefly on deck, low and languid, but enjoying a peaceful serenity of mind. Going below in the afternoon, I found that Captain 0. had given strict orders that no one should go down, and even set a sentry to prevent it. I went and talked to him about it; he said that any might go down, if they went for the purpose of hearing me; but my object is effectually prevented, for I hoped to call the attention of those who were careless. The Lord now direct me how to act, and strengthen me! McK. stayed with me the whole of the evening, and we were conversing about England. Dearest Lydia! never wilt thou cease to be dear to me; still the glory of God, and the sal vation of immortal souls, is an object for which I can part with thee. Let us live then for God, separate from one another, since such is his holy will. Hereafter we shall meet in a happier region, and if we shall have lived and died, denying ourselves for God, triumphant and glorious will our meeting be.
DEC. 5. “In thy fear will I worship toward thy holy temple.” Psalm v. 7. Christ is that holy temple, toward which I look in prayer: within him my prayers, poor and distracted as they are, shall come up with acceptance on his altar. How is it that my soul does not draw back into perdition? There is an invisible intercession made on my behalf, and a secret influence operating upon me. With Captain S, a man of mild manners, though utterly destitute of religion, I converse every day: he seemed anxious that I should have my own way with respect to instructing the soldiers, and said I should have one or two Serjeants to bring the men up from below, as soon as I came up myself. While walking the deck, I longed to be left alone, that my thoughts might run at random. Tender feelings on distant scenes do not leave me indisposed for communion with God; that which is present to the outward senses is the greatest plague to me. Went among the soldiers in the afternoon, distributing oranges to those who are scorbutic. My heart was for some hours expanding with joy and love; but I have reason to think that the state of the body has great influence on the frames and feelings of the mind. Let the rock of my consolations be not a variable feeling, but Jesus Christ and his righteousness.
DEC. 6. Visited, this morning, the ship’s steward, and found him dangerously ill of a fever. In answer to a few of my questions, he said he had a good hope, gave up all his mind to religion, and put his trust in God, &c. I bid him remember the sins of his life, hi’s swearing, sabbath-breaking, etc., and particularly with this, that he had always been in the habit of pleasing himself, and not God. This seemed to strike him; he groaned and said, “it is very true,” I went on showing the aggravations of his wickedness, and at last asked him again, “Do you believe, that if God should refuse to hear you now, in the same manner as you have refused to hear him, he would be just and right?” To this he now answered in the language of a person convinced. I put this question to him in every variety of forms, and he always returned a satisfactory answer. I began to hope his heart was melting under the influence of the spirit of God, and after asking him the other important questions, “Do you desire to become a new creature, if it should please God to spare you?” he replied, as a person unconscious of innate depravity and helplessness, but with great earnestness. I ventured to proceed to the gospel. But here I had a difficulty as before, to show him, that God would not save him for his repentance or faith, any more than fur his works; in short, for nothing in himself. I then read the fifty-first Psalm to him, and John vi., and went to prayer.
DEC. 7. Expounded a chapter in St. Mark, and sang; in the afternoon a man from the upper deck continued looking down upon us with such a malicious sneer, that I had much ado to keep my temper. Presently after, another came, roaring out for my chief singer to come away, as he was wanted, and continued to disturb us with his noise. I went out at the conclusion of the service to the forecastle, to see if the sergeant had sent for him, and there I spoke to the men with some severity. In visiting the ship’s steward, whom I found recovering, I met with a sailor, and a very sensible one, waiting upon him, with whom I had a long and close conversation. As he said he would come to the same place as soon as he was off watch and hear me read, if I could make it convenient to come, I went at eight, and expounded John v. The steward seemed to be strong in his resolutions, but had little of a right spirit.
DEC. 8. (Sunday.) Preached on Mark viii. 34, 35, and there was much attention. Going below, I found everything in greater bustle than ever. Sent for the singers, but none came. Nothing now seems to disconcert me; so in the midst of noise and oaths, I began to read Pilgrim’s Progress; but presently a sergeant came by, and with many a blasphemy counted several of the watch, as he said, among my hearers, and flew off to get the sentry. I told whoever was on the watch to go up; I then went on, but immediately a squall coming on, the hatches were shut down, and I was obliged to retire after conversing with a few. Two or three soldiers felt for me more than I did for myself, and seemed to wish to atone by their attention for the ill-behavior of the rest.
At night, McK stayed so long, that it was too late to go
and read to the steward, «as I intended, an omission which wounded my conscience considerably; but, oh my soul! be not dispirited in thy work, but be roused to redoubled diligence.
DEC. 9. Psalm xvii. 7, “Show thy marvellous loving-kindness, 0 thou that savest by thy right hand.” What but marvellous loving-kindness could save such a wretched creature! By irregularity in morning duties, and putting them out of their proper place, I had nearly lost all comfortable sense of divine things. Little or nothing done in my studies. Cried to God again in behalf of myself and the ship, with some feeling sense of things. I found it most suitable to humble myself as one of them, rather than intercede for them as one more righteous. In prayer before dinner, my soul was wonderfully restored by those words in Isaiah lxvi. 10, “Rejoice ye with Jerusalem, and be glad with her, all ye that love her; rejoice for joy with her, all ye that mourn for her, that ye may suck and be satisfied with the breasts of her consolations, that ye may milk out and be* delighted with the abundance of her glory.” Here is a promise that our desires shall be satisfied. Those who wish the progress of the church, shall hereafter see it and enjoy it. I thought on the perfection of beauty and holiness of God’s people in that day, and felt strong and fervent desires to be entirely holy unto God now, and to show myself an instance before all men of the image of Christ. Below deck afterwards I felt something of the same spirit, saying to myself, Now let my soul be ardent, let me speak as one in earnest; let me remember what I think when I am in prayer for them. Expounded Matt. xi. “When I spoke to them of the guilt of Capernaum, that it repented not at the preaching of the gospel, and applied to this ship, how they had it preached every Sabbath and every day, there seemed to be much solemn attention. Stayed below for some time after to speak with an old man and soldier, who had been seized with cholera morbus this morning; but seemed to gain little ground. The same things, however, seemed to succeed with his mind as the steward’s; “Have you not lived every day as you liked best yourself, without considering what was the will of God? If then God were to treat you as you have done him, i. e. not hear you, but cast you into hell, would He not be doing right’?” To all which he professed his assent, with some apparent conviction. Going afterwards to the forecastle, B., the same soldier who had behaved with such impudence to me before, took care to make one of his wicked speeches to the rest who sat near him, just as I was passing; on which I turned and entered into conversation with him and the rest, determined to see whether the devil should remain master of the field or no. B. broached the most blasphemous and abominable sentiments; said he was determined he would never pray, for if he did, he should not be able to fight; that he was a soldier, and robbery was his business; that he would rob his father for grog; that he had often robbed, and would continue to do so. I shuddered at this wretched bravado, but persisted in showing the folly and madness of all these thoughts, till the ringleader, B., rose up and went his way, and then the rest listened to me in silence.
At night, in conversation with, upon deck, who, with
all his wickedness, would talk to me about the mission, and on every subject which forms the theme of a religionist; I told him of the horrible hypocrisy of his heart, and the danger of his state. He confessed that he did swear terribly, and had fallen much away; but there was not the slightest mark of contrition, or the least expression of better resolutions. He said that on board a man-of-war, he had made a good profession for four years, and had even suffered persecution for the cross; but in this ship there was such general indifference that he wras led away. He told me many idle
aspersions cast by the officers upon me; that Captain
spoke of the men who attended me as a parcel of vagabonds. My want of success was also frequently cited, as an argument against me. Thus, alas! that which causes my pain is made use of to increase it.
DKC. 10. Psalm xxii. 27, “All the ends of the earth shall remember and be turned unto the Lord.” Sooner or later, they shall remember what is preached to them; and though missionaries may not live to see the fruits of their labors, yet the memory of their words shall remain, and in due time shall be the means of turning them unto the Lord. Was much delighted with seeing all my people present this after noon, and the pleasure with which they seemed to come — though alas! even out of these five, there are only three, of whom I can be in any wise confident. I explained Isaiah xl. and stayed to converse with two sick men. The steward is recovering fast; “I am determined,” said he, “to be a good liver, as you shall see;” but I have little hopes of him. At night, Corporal ]>. came to my cabin, and McK. soon after coining in, I proposed to them a regular meeting of the religious soldiers for prayer in my cabin; but they both objected to it; not, they said, because they were afraid of the cross, but they thought the trial would be too great for the others, especially as the disapprobation of Captains S. and 0. would encourage the ridicule and opposition of the officers, and others. Such words from them, sufficiently proved, that it was yet too early to call any of them to such a cross; but I could not help believing, that it was fear of man which suggested this advice of theirs to me. However, let me judge charitably, and think of them in the spirit of meekness, considering myself, lest I also be tempted.
DEC. 12. “That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith.” Eph. iii. Spiritual stability and advancement in strength are evidenced by Christ’s dwelliny in the heart, when the affections and thoughts keep Christ in view, and embrace him habitually. Oh this soul-enrapturing inhabitation, after which I pant sometimes, though but feebly! When shall I comprehend and enjoy it? Then shall I be weaned indeed from the world, and no more seek heavenly-mindedness from thinking of the shortness of time only, but by choice and preference, cleaving to Christ, and living to Him alone, though my life on earth were extended to ages. Wrote sermon, but with little success; my soul can never rejoice while my time is spent so unprofitably. In the evening and at nifht, had strong desires to spend and be spent in glorifying the blessed God, and wrote with some spirit, till M. came in and thus prevented me. It is God’s providence which allots me the duty of conversation as well as of writing.
DEC. 13. “On thee do I wait all the day,” Psalm xxv. 5.
“Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord,” 15. From having found so much comfort yesterday by continually invokino-God’s presence, I hoped to-day also to have my eyes ever towards the Lord; I had not, however, so much as yesterday. In the afternoon, just as I had got down, Captain 0. ordered every man up; I felt rather hurt at this; but oti speaking to him, he said he did not know I was there, for he would on no account have given such an order, as he never meant to interfere in religious matters; such is the goodness of God in hushing my rising fears.
DEC. 14. “Oh, Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave; thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.” Psalm xxx. 3. Daily do I deserve the pit of destruction — daily doth God save me from it. After experiencing such long-continued patience, let me not provoke the Lord to cast me off forever. Passed the mornino- in
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writing, and was much assisted; my mind was consequently peaceful. In the afternoon had no service below, as I was taken up in going to and fro to the sick, of whom there is now a great number. K., one of my singers, who with his profession of the gospel is yet addicted to swearing, had been dangerously ill in the morning. I told him of his sin; it seems that he is leaving it off, but he did not speak with that self-condemnation I could have wished. The condition of the sick was miserable; I could not stand it till I got some aromatic vinegar.
DEC. 1 5. (Sunday.) “Oh love the Lord! all ye his saints.” Psalm xxxi. 23. How cold is my love! how weak and languid my hope! Yet in speaking to Mrs. 0. on the duty of joy and praise, I found my own heart a little warmed. Walked with Mrs. S. for a long time; told her very plainly what I thought needed amendment in her outward conduct, which has far too much of giddiness and levity. In the afternoon preached on deck, on Rom. iii. 21-23. The soldiers were more attentive than I expected from the nature of the subject; but McK. told me, that lie and the cuddy passengers, who had just risen from dinner, could scarcely keep their eyes open; that B. had been making his remarks again; and some of the cadets I saw laughing. How different is it to preach to such a congregation, from what it is to be amongst the congregations in England! Here there is scarcely one who encourages me by an attentive hearing and none at all who strengthens my hand by a kind word on the subject. To-day scarcely any of my people were present, being confined by sickness; but when they are, there is not one who says a word about anything that suited, or anything they did not understand. The whole passes off their minds, without leaving the smallest impression. However, this dispensation of the Lord is humiliating, and so will do some good. I feel no despondency, but am contented to go on to the end of life, testifying, according to the best of my abilities, as long as people will stay to hear me.
DEC. 1C. The thought of death was at times refreshing and joyful to me: — To die! to be with Jesus! struck me at some moments with unutterable sweetness; but 1 cannot enjoy much habitual comfort without profiting more in my studies.
DEC. 17. “Rivers of tears run down mine eyes, because they keep not thy law.” 0 Lord, be pleased to have compassion, and break this hard heart! Oh! shall I think of the
eternal damnation of sinners, and not be able to melt? I
feel that I cannot. I saw something of myself this morning in prayer, when I strove to feel some grief or sorrow for the greatest number of my flock. Let it please God to display His power, by placing a new heart of flesh within me. I had some refreshing views of death, and the happiness of being free from sickness and sin, still growing weaker from the continuance of my disorder. How awful does death appear when sickness gives a nearer view of it! Yet I have no wish to live for anything agreeable in this world.
DEC. 18. “Hear, for I will speak of excellent things.” “I love them that love me.” “Hearken unto me, Oh ye children, for blessed are they that keep my ways. Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the posts of my door — for whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favor of the Lord.” Prov. viii. Blessed be the Lord my God, who now, in the time of my youth, hath inclined my heart to take the paths of righteousness and peace. It was long a doubtful case with me; but now, through God’s love, I have undertaken the hardships of a Christian life, and am climbing the steep ascent. Expounded Matt. vii. below to a good number. My heart was filled with great delight, while singing — “O’er the gloomy hills of darkness.” In the evening a private, of the name of Lock, the man who began the singing and then left off, came to me in great distress of mind, as he said, about his state. He had formerly made a profession, but had gone back; I talked to him as closely as possible, and prayed with him, during which he shed many tears; still I could not be satisfactorily persuaded of his uprightness. He wished to come every night to my cabin to join with me in prayer, but I told him he might come to-morrow night. He said he had often wished I would pray at the time of our meeting below; I scarcely ever thought this was at all possible, from the variety of interruptions to which we are exposed. Yet I began to consider whether it was not my duty to attempt it, and leave events with God.
DEC. 19. My sickness and dysentery continue and weaken me considerably. Aboard ship many things which I desire are not to be had; but it was a matter of great thankfulness that I had so many more comforts provided for me, than for the poor men in the same state. Oh, God knoweth how utterly undeserving I am of such a difference being made i’or me. The weather not allowing me to walk, 1 remained unfit for everything, and felt very unhappy. It was one of those seasons, when this world appeared a tedious and tiresome place: 1 felt myself departing from God; but considering that now was the time for exercising faith, I betook myself to prayer, which had the effect of relieving my mind from a sense of guilt; but otherwise did not much comfort me. Expounded Matt, xviii. I take much delight in this sort of exercise, as it is very profitable to myself. The connection of things in the gospel suggests ideas I never before thought of. One of the quartermasters, an old man, seemingly declining fast, I talked with, and endeavored to convince him of his sins.
DEC. 20. Being very ill in the night past from sickness p.nd colic, I began to think seriously of death. I endeavored to consider in order, what God had done for the salvation of sinners, what evidence I had of being in Christ, and the comfort I was permitted to ask for from the blessed Spirit, in case of that evidence appearing. There is not one thing I have ever done, that would give me a substantial reason for believing myself to be in Christ. It is chiefly my affections and inclinations, which convince me I am born of God, for they are now toward God. I am very often with out any pleasure, but I seldom think of seeking it in the world. My taste, I have reason to believe, is for holy pleasures, and for holy employments. In prayer, after getting up, I had so much delight and joy in the consideration of heaven, and. my assured title to it, that I felt far more desirous of dying than living.
DEC. 21. Walked with my mind intently fixed on heavenly subjects, but more in my thoughts than in my heart. Had a pretty good number below; expounded Matt. x. Made slow progress in writing at night, and felt exceedingly dull at a part where, in my first considerations of the subject, I had found a remarkable glow of animation.
DEC. 22. (Sunday.) It was a very full congregation; for some Sundays past, several of the soldiers were suffered to stay away. I preached on 2 Cor. vi. 17, IS. There seemed to be a considerable stir excited against the sermon, as there were knots of them talking about it afterwards, and they eyed me, some with spite, some with contempt. I felt a little unhappy at offending men so; but I still thought, if the whole universe were to rise up, and object to me, and despise, I could face their frowns, and retain my confidence in the truth. In the afternoon below, there was a o-reat number hearing, perhaps near fifty. In expounding Matt, xii. the verse about the Queen of Sheba coming from the uttermost parts to hear the wisdom of Solomon, o-ave me a
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most apt occasion to observe, how shameful it was, that they would not come so far as from the forecastle to the main hatchway to hear about Jesus Christ! My proposal to them to pray, seemed to be accepted with the greatest readiness, as they all knelt down. Through God’s mercy we were not disturbed.
DEC. 24. “Thou hast ascended on high, thou hast led captivity captive, thou hast received gifts for men, yea, for the rebellious also, that the Lord God might dwell amongst them.” Psalm lxviii. 18. For the rebellious! and not ministerial gifts only I hope, but things good for the soul of the rebellious. 0 consolatory gospel, precious rays of grace, scattered through the Bible! Were it not for these free gifts, how could my heart ever be open, that the Lord might dwell in it!
DEC. 25. We prayed for the Captain, who had called in the purser and mate, and given his dying charge. I went in before dinner, though not sent for, but he did not speak, or seem to take any notice of me. Coming in a second time, he desired me in a strong voice to withdraw, as he did not like to be seen in the situation in which lie was. I felt much hurt, and went and poured out my soul in prayer, and found relief and happy consolation in God.
DEC. 28. About seven this morning, I was sent for by the surgeon to the captain. I saw that he was a dying man; but he was in general sensible. I began to read the most encouraging passages 1 could find, beginning with Isaiah Iv. In John vi. he repeated in a low tone after me, “Lord, ever more send us this bread.” I continued reading after breakfast, though lie did not seem to wish it, only when the doctor asked him, he said Ay, ay. After reading I prayed, but I do not know that he joined; indeed he was so far gone, that it was impossible to collect anything from his look or imperfect words. On my being interrupted by the doctor, lie said, “Mind him,” meaning that he was to attend to me. At last, after being much convulsed, he said, “I am going, I shall not be long here, Lord help me, Lord help me;” and his eyes began to close, and his breath returned successively at longer intervals, and at length he expired. The colors were hoisted half-mast-high, and we bore down to give notice of it to the Commodore, and the Commodore of the Indiamen. In prayer in the evening, I had such near and terrific views of God’s judgments upon sinners in hell, that my flesh trembled for fear of them. The passages of God’s holy word that proved the certainty of hell torments, were brought to me in such a way as I never before felt; I flew trembling to Jesus Christ, as if the flame were taking hold of me. Oh, Christ will indeed save me, or else I perish. McK. came in; he had been reading to-day the tract upon Eternity to the cadets and officers. They hated the sound; would not listen to it, and said he wanted to make them melancholy
mad. M said” Martyn will never persuade me to be
otherwise, with all his logic.” Tc which Captain S., with a serious look, said l< I hope he will, M.” A person from the Streatham told McK., that we had the reputation in the fleet of being a very praying ship. I wish it were more true.
DEC. 27. “Arise, 0 God, and plead thine own cause, remember how the foolish man reproacheth thee daily. Forget not the voice of thy enemies: the tumult of those that rise up against thee increaseth continually.” Psalm lxxiv. 22, 23. In pleading for the prosperity of the church, and her deliverance from enemies, when all arguments are exhausted, we may urge this at last, that God would arise and plead his own cause. Let me remember this, when I pray in unbelief, as if God were indifferent; let me reflect that it is God’s own cause, and the honor of his name concerned in it. Several circumstances seemed to suggest the propriety of setting apart this day for fasting and prayer, which I did; but for want of sufficient watchfulness and labor, I failed to derive that benefit from it which might have been expected. One thing, however, I am bound to bless the Lord for, that he helped me to come down with shame into the dust, and to weep and mourn before him, for the sins of my former life, and for my lukewarmness and unfaithfulness in my ministry. I thought it would be a proper portion for me to combat with affliction all my days; to walk solitarily with tears through the wilderness of life, full of thankful love that God had permitted such a creature to live; but my heart was not much enlarged in other petitions. In the evening, my heart was generally with God, looking forward with peace and joy to the happiness of another world.
DEC. 28. Psalm lxxxi. 13-16. Compare Isa. xlviii. 18. With what earnestness and compassion does God express his regret, that his people have not enjoyed more of spiritual comforts! Shall we then ascribe our unhappiness to God? Oh no, He is far more anxious to load us with blessings, than to deprive us of them. After tea, a conversation arising in the cuddy about Pope’s Universal Prayer, they desired me to read it, and state my objections, which 1 did, and had an opportunity of answering familiarly all the objections they made to the gospel. P>ut I was again astonished at their great ignorance, and inability to comprehend anything of the divine °plan, on a subject that so deeply concerns them. “What can I expect to teach poor heathens, without the Almighty power of God interfering!
DKC. 20. (Sunday.) “My beloved spake, and said unto me, llise up,” ic. Cant, ii. 10, 11. Ah! why cannot I rise, and go forth, and meet my Lord? Every hindrance is removed; the wrath of God, the guilt of sin, and severity of atlliction: there is nothing now in the world, that has any strong hold of my affections. Preached on 2 Peter iii. 11, taking notice at the end of these remarkable circumstances, that made the text particularly applicable to us. It was the last Sabbath of a year, which had been memorable to us from our having left our country and passed through many dangers. Secondly, within a few days they were to meet an enemy on the Held of battle. Thirdly, the death of the Captain. I was enabled to be self-collected, and in some degree tender. There was a great impression; many were
in tears. In the evening Major D and McK, came
to my cabin, and stayed nearly three hours. I read Romans vi. and vii. and explained those difficult chapters as well as I could, so that the Major, I hope, received a greater insight into them. But my own soul after these ministrations seemed to have received harm rather than good. It was an awful reflection that Judas was a preacher, perhaps a successful one. Oh let my soul tremble, lest after preaching to others, I myself should be a cast-away!
DKC. 31. Thus hath the Lord brought me to the conclusion of another year. In the evening, both by myself, and with McK., had solemn seasons of prayer. We read Psalm xc., and conversed about the shortness of time, &c., and other subjects suggested by the conclusion of the year. I felt at night a very affecting sense of my want of love. I may have the tongue of men and angels, or all knowledge, or faith, and give my body to be burned; yet without love, it profiteth nothing. As often as I stirred up myself to cry to God for his grace, my heart was warmed; but it continued lively but for a short time. Oh how wretched is a soul without grace! If I could not be made holy, I would not wish to exist; I cannot conceive any pleasure in the universe, without having the soul restored to order and conformity to the blessed God.