January 1806 – April 1806
January 1, 1800. The last year is the most memorable of any since I began a religious life: since in it I have been thrust out to be a laborer in God’s vineyard among the heathen; many dangers have I endured from seas and change of climate, and have experienced much disturbance of mind, first from preparation for my voyage, and since that, by the variety of scenes into which I have been introduced, and very severe was my mental suffering on leaving Europe; but through the never-failing mercy of the Lord, I am healthy in body, and quiet in my mind. From the perusal of my journal, I am surprised, and grieved at the unhumbled spirit which pervades it, I have at present to mourn over my deadness of spirit, so destitute of love. However, with all my execrable dulness in divine things, I have this testimony for good, that I am perfectly weary of a life of sin, that my unprofitableness is a grievous burden to me, and I am far, very far from regretting I ever came on this delightful work. Were I to choose for myself, I could scarcely find a situation more agreeable to my taste. Onward there fore let me go, and persevere steadily in this blessed undertaking through the grace of God, dying daily to the opinions of men, and aiming with a more single eye to the glory of the everlasting God. In prayer in the evening I received much comfort; I was enabled to bring all my sorrows, and lie before God as a most wretched creature, whose barrenness testifies against him.
JAN. 4. About sunset the fleet came to an anchor; and a signal was immediately given for the 59th regiment to prepare to land. Our men were soon ready, and received thirty-six rounds of ball cartridge; before the three boats were lowered down and filled, it was two in the morning. I stayed up to see them off; it was a melancholy scene; the privates were keeping up their spirits by affecting to joke about the approach of danger, and the ladies sitting in the cold night upon the grating of the after-hatchway over whelmed with grief. The interest I felt in the outward scene, distracted me very much from the things that are not seen, and all I could do in prayer was to strive against this spirit. But with what horror should I reflect on the motions of sin within me, which tempted me to wish for bloodshed, as something gratifying by its sublimity! My spirit would be overwhelmed by such a consciousness of depravity, but that I can pray still deliberately against sin; and often the Lord manifested his power, by making the same sinful soul to feel a longing desire, that the blessed gospel of peace might soothe the spirits of men, and make them all live together in harmony and love. Yet the principle within me may well fill me with shame and sorrow.
UNIOX, IN TABLE BAY, CAPE OF GOOD HOPE,
January 4, 1806, (11 at night.)
DEAR SARGENT,
* * * * * Saturday night,
the instant our anchor was down, when I began this letter, a signal was given for the 59th to land. I stayed up till two in the morning to take my leave of them, and was grieved to find with what levity and profaneness they were arming themselves against the fears of death. Of my own men 1 had taken a solemn and affectino- farewell, by commendino-O ‘J &
them to the grace of God. Poor souls! from the report we have of the force ashore, I fear many of them will never return.
Two days after writing the above, a battle was fought. I went ashore a few hours after it, and saw the wounded and dead lying on the field, but the particulars I have not time to relate. I beg my kindest remembrance to Mrs. S., of whom I make mention with you without ceasing in my prayers. May you both live, my beloved friends, happy in one another, but finding your chief happiness in God! Confessing that you are Grangers and pilgrims upon earth, not having here a continuing city, and seeking one to come. I beg the continuance of your prayers, especially at those seasons when you intercede for the general cause of our Messed Lord. 1 remain, ever your’s affectionately,
H. MARTYN.
To the llf;v. JOHN SARGENT.
.JAX. 5. (Sunday.) No service; the body of our troops which had gone to join the other regiments at the rendezvous, returned this morning; after waiting near shore a considerable time, they all received orders to return to their respective ships. Two reasons are assigned for this, one that the surf was too high, the other that a large body of the enemy were stationed behind an eminence, ready to oppose their landing; no further attempt was made to-day, but the man-of-war cruised round the bay; I was mostly upon deck sharing the o-eneral anxiety, but about the middle of the day, found it necessary to withdraw for a solemn season of prayer, to bring back my soul to God. The Lord mercifully assisted his sinful creature, and the rest of the day I was enabled to maintain a more proper sense of the vanity of all outward things, and the infinite precious importance of setting the Lord always before me: I went below in the afternoon, but found the deck strewed with the soldiers all asleep; M’K. returned from the
Duchess of Gordon to-day, and with Major D, came to
my cabin in the evening. We read Romans viii.; the Major’s objections led to the old subject of the heathery how they should be left in such a state, I said little, when little was to be said to the purpose, and resolved all into the sovereignty of God. This dwelt very strongly on my mind, and when we prayed, I was greatly assisted to approach him as a sovereign: “Be still, and know that I am God.” Remained peaceful and happy the rest of the evening.
JAN. 7. The 50th landed early this morning. Poor B. and the others gave me a last affectionate look after they were in the boats. After they were all gone 1 returned to pray, and found at first delightful access to God, and freedom in prayer for the poor soldiers; but afterwards grew stupid. The idleness in which I had been these two or three days left me indisposed for exertion, and it was with the utmost difficulty that I could get my heart into anything of a right state. Had somewhat of a reviving season in prayer this evening, and was made to see especially my shameful deficiencies in love and joy. As often as I stir up this slothful heart to these divine exercises, God blesses the endeavor. O my soul, rejoice in Christ Jesus! Love God more, and thy brother more. The commodore with two gun-brigs has been cannonading a battery. My cabin-door and windows shake at every gun.
JAN. 9 — 12. As I heard there was service at an English church in the afternoon, I was making preparations for going ashore; and by this means wounded my peace of mind, by rendering myself unfit for undivided attention to divine things on this holy day; but afterwards was much blessed in meditation on Psalm xii. 24, and felt quite happy at the prospect of the future glory of the church, and God’s great mercy in restoring me to such peacefulness of mind. In the evening, the ladies were alarmed at the intelligence, that the 59th had
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been ordered to march with six field pieces, against the enemy, who are still in the country somewhere, though the enemy have surrendered the fort, The Major was coming to me for our usual Sunday’s service, when I was sent for to the ladies, and thus I had no one social ordinance through the day. The wind now blows a hurricane.
JAN. 13. 1 had been anxiously inquiring about Dr. Vanderkemp. I was much surprised to find Dr. V. so old a man, In: had every appearance of being about eighty years of age; Major D. at night proposed sending them £10, which I was much pleased at, both on their own account and his own.
JAN. 21. I was agreeably surprised to be introduced to several of the Hottentot sisters, and two brethren, of whom I had read; they had travelled from Ik-thelsdorp, and brought the produce of their elephant hunting. The tusks and teeth were lying on the ground; the dried flesh of the rhinoceros and spring- hack was in bags, dried by exposure to the sun; there were also whip-sticks an inch and a half thick, cut from the skin of the rhinoceros; I tasted some of the flesh, and wrapped myself in the kaross. The poor dear people had much expression in their countenances, and I regretted that
1 could not converse with them. Drank tea at Mr. L ’s,
but had no conversation except with the missionaries, from whom I had an account of their manner of administering the two sacraments. With respect to meat, they were apt to be surfeited with animal food, for want of bread. The number of missionary brethren at our station should be three, for if two only, then if one is ill, too much work devolves on tin; other. K things at any time did not seem prosperous among the people, they would unite in prayer, after which there would always be some new manifestations of divine grace. They thought no qualifications particularly requisite for missionaries, and that young men offering themselves should not be detained in England, and then sent as missionaries, but sent at once to be assistants to established missions for two or three years, that they might see what sort of life it is; if they find themselves unfit they might retire without disgrace; for some had come out from Holland, and said they could not continue missionaries, except they could be supported as o-entlemen. Read, when tired with study, used to go to the house of the Hottentots, and listen to their hunting stories. They thought the Bible was given to the two missionaries only, and were greatly at a loss to know what they should do when the missionaries were dcnd. After they were taught, they began to say, Why did the boors keep away from us those little scratchi and dots? The Caffres, Dr. V. thinks, are of Arabian origin; they circumcise their children at fourteen years old, after the manner of the Arabs. Hottentots’ language entirely different; great resemblance to the Hebrew, having the same conjugations, but no difference of gender in the verbs. The Hottentots were exceedingly delighted with the idea of the resurrection, as they said they should see their old friends again, but regretted it was not to take place yet awhile.
JAN. 22. Employed in writing to E; my heart was
full of the tenderest affection to her, and Lydia, and the people of God, but yet in many respects cold in the service of God Went with brother Read to visit the hospital, where the wounded English were. Met with F. of the 24th, at whose request we went to his room, and met several officers. For my conformity to them I felt miserably grieved after wards, and could have hidden my head in the dust. In prayer, God was pleased to give me to feel sorrow for my sin, and peace and tenderness of heart the rest of the evening.
JAN. 23, 24. Drank tea with Read, at Mr. V.’s, and there met Smith, a Dutch missionary. Mrs. V., who spoke English well, gave me an account of the Briewas. She said the country was under the dominion of four kings, who were generally at war with one another; the people were utterly averse to receive the gospel, thought they conferred an obligation by listening, and made it a plea for getting tobacco from him, <fec., but showed no other disposition to persecute them than what must be expected from savage nations; so that I really could not see that Mr. Vanderlingee had done right in leaving them.
FEB. 5. Had a little conversation with Read on the beach, not thinking it would be the last time I should see him. We spoke again of the excellency of the missionary work. The last time I had stood on the shore with a friend, speaking on the same subject, was with Lydia, at Marazion; and this recurring to my mind, I mentioned her to Road. He said that at his first outset he did not think himself at all at liberty to think upon marriage, this text being continually suggested to him, “Seek first the kingdom of God,” &c.
FEB. 8. Went aboard at five in the morning, and passed much of the day in arranging my cabin and preparations for to-morrow. A gloom seemed to hang upon all the passengers, at beginning so long a trip as from hence to India, after the weariness of so long a voyage. But there was no wind all day, so that our patience had a further trial. If the Lord vouchsafe his presence, all places are alike to me, sea or land.
FEB. 11. Had great grief and humiliation in prayer, for having said something very severe to the captain, which vexed him not a little, though I certainly did not intend it. My soul was full of anguish at having giving another unnecessary pain, and saw guilt enough in not having a rule over my tongue. Had I been breathing love to his soul, and in the habit of praying to God for him, I could not have spoken in such a manner; I thought, Christ has sent me forth as an under-shepherd, to win the wandering sheep by every act of kindness; and yet I, through my wickedness, drive them farther from the fold. God was graciously pleased to open to my mind new and solemnizing views of eternal thino-s, so that my thoughts and affections sweetly rested in heaven. FEB. 12. Continued very unwell, so that I could eno-atre in
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no regular employment. Read Isaiah and Persian at intervals. By reading Leighton’s rules for a holy life, I found my self most awfully affected, and felt such a deep conviction of the necessity of holiness, and such a desire after it, that when I was amongst the rest at dinner, I felt quite grieved and shocked at every little levity. However, if I, in a little more spiritual frame, feel astonished at the universal thoughtlessness of men, what must the infinitely holy God think of them; and of me, when I conform to them! What I had been reading in Leighton, remained much on my mind. I felt altogether a new frame, a conviction and desire after such alterations, but scarcely courage to attempt it; but withal, the deepest spirit of devotion I have felt for a long time past. Towards night my soul seemed to sink in deep waters, and a horrible dread overwhelmed me. To forsake every species of earthly enjoyment, to crucify, and mortify, not only sinful pleasures, but all complacency in created enjoyments, seemed to leave me wretched; and the distance which I found in my self from that simple living upon God, and the great difficulty of attaining to it, oppressed me with darkness and distress. Yet I scarcely knew what it was that oppressed me. In prayer afterwards, it seemed to be the unawakened state of my hearers that chiefly made me melancholy.
FEB. 13. After breakfast had a solemn season in prayer, with the same impressions as yesterday, from Leighton, and tried to give up myself wholly to God, not only to be resigned solely to his will, but to seek my only pleasure from it; to depart altogether from the world, and be exactly the same in happiness, whether painful or pleasing dispensations were appointed me; I endeavored to realize again the truth, that suffering was my appointed portion, and that it became me to expect it as my daily lot. Yet after all, I was ready to cry out, what an unfortunate creature I am, the child of sorrow and care! from my infancy I have met with nothing but contradiction; but I always solaced myself, that one day it would be better, and I should find myself comfortably settled in the enjoyment of domestic pleasures, whereas, after all the wearying labors of school and college, I am at last cut off from all my friends, and comforts, and dearest hopes, without being permitted even to hope for them any more. As I walked the deck, I found that the conversation of others, and my own gloomy surmises of my future trials, affected me far less with vexation than they formerly did; merely from this, that I took it as ray portion from God, all whose dispensations I am bound to consider and receive as the fruits of infinite wisdom and love towards me. I felt therefore very quiet, and was manifestly strengthened from above with might in my inner man; therefore without any joy, without any pleasant considerations to balance my present sickness and gloom, I was contented from the reflection that it was God who did it. I pray that this may be my state, neither to be anxious to escape from this stormy sea, that was round the Cape, nor to change the tedious scene of the ship for Madras, nor to leave this world merely to get rid of the troubles of it; but to glorify God where I am, and where he puts me, and to take each day as an important trust for him, in which I have much to do both in suffering and acting. Employed in collecting from the New Testament all the passages that refer to our walking in Christ.
FEB. 15. Sickness being removed, and outward things being more agreeable, I found it more difficult to look off from all things to God, than when I was troubled; and thus have I actually been happier in aflliction than at other times. I know however so well by experience now, how sweet and happy a life it is to live by faith, that I was earnest to keep close to God, and be utterly indifferent about the outward scene.
FKB. 1C. (Sunday.) Felt the utmost reluctance to the public duties of the day; but instead of laboring to perceive some pleasantness in my work, as I used to do, in order to reconcile myself to it, I calmly considered it as a cross, and then, from a principle of resin-nation, had my mind made up to go right through every difficulty in obedience to God. Preached from Psalm ciii. 1-4, as suitable to the occasion of its being the first service after their return from the battle. The congregation was small, and those who were there seemed to show a great deal of determined inattention and contempt, i. e. the common soldiers. The younger officers were none of them present; they annoy McK. most; to me they seldom speak. “Come, now,” they said to McK., as he went down, “let us have a little of the humbug;” and then began to mimic the singing of psalms. S., in the afternoon, aUvhich time he is always intoxicated, finding McK. reading the Bible, said ’ - the Bible!” Poor unhappy creature,°the terrors of God are manifestly upon his conscience, for in his drunkenness he is always talking of religion. After the service, felt very contented to be among this people, and to be left without any fruit, since such was the will of God. I continued in a solemn and mqjirnful frame. Going below in the afternoon, I found the tailor and sergeant at the usual place of our meeting, employed in cutting out clothes. I read Luke xix., and found great freedom in speaking from several parts; there was great noise and levity all about it, so that I was at first afraid to pray, but considering that eternal things ought not to give place to the Devil, I began, and soon all was silent. Thus the Lord fulfils his promise, of making my forehead strong against their foreheads, as an adamant harder
than flint. B sat with me in the evening; during the
conversation my heart was filled with joy in God, and all that was within me blessed his holy name; but in prayer alone I rather endeavored to have solemn thoughts of God, and deep considerations of the necessity of perfect submission, than give way to the flow of joy. I perceived for the first time the difference between sensible sweetness in religion, and the really valuable attainments in vital godliness.
FEB. 17. Had reason enough to accuse myself of idleness. Wrote a little on a divine subject, and was somewhat solemn in the employment; but by giving way to a light spirit, brought a sense of guilt on my mind, and a burdensome inability to be holy and devout in my thoughts. Oh what a miserable existence is life, except the time be well filled up with profitable work, and the soul conformed to the mind which was in Christ Jesus!
FEB. 18. Completed my twenty-fifth year. Let me recollect it to my own shame, and be warned by it, to spend my future years to a better purpose; unless this be the case, it is of very little consequence to notice when such a person came into the world. Passed much of the morning in prayer, but could not succeed at all in getting an humble and contrite spirit; my pride and self-esteem seemed unconquerable. Wrote sermon with my mind impressed with the necessity of diligence: had the usual service, and talked much to a sick man; we continued betweeji two ships, without any seamen fit for such difficult steering. I did not go to bed till very late, and when I did, it was with such expectation of being awakened by the summons of death, that I got little or no sleep the whole night; nature trembled at passing into another world, but my soul was enabled to perceive God to be my reconciled Father.
FEB. 19. Private duties encroached so far on the morning, through my extreme idleness and want of energy in the performance of them, that I could do but little afterwards. Read Hindoostanee; the gale of wind continuing, and much water flying over the sides, all the hatches were shut down, so that there was perfect darkness below; however, I visited the sick man, being obliged to feel my way to him. I am always surprised at the perfect contentment with which they seem to lie. This man was swinging in his hammock in darkness, and heat, and damp, without a creature to speak to him, and in a burning fever. I gave him a few grapes which had been given me, to allay his thirst. How great the pleasure of doing good even to the bodies of men! He said he had been thinking of what I had told him ever since, but showed no true marks of seriousness. As I was entering in my common place book something from Brown of this kind, “that if from regard to God’s Sabbaths, I deny myself, he will more than make it up to me,” I could not help recollecting, how this had been fulfilled to me this very day; for the Sunday we sailed from the Cape, a boat coming alongside with fruit, I did not think it right to buy any, though I longed to have some to carry to sea. To-day, Mr. Reynolds, the new passenger, to whom I scarcely ever spoke, surprised me by sending me a plate of fruit, by which I have not only been refreshed, but enabled to relieve this poor sick creature. Was greatly distressed at my hardness of heart, and thought of the expediency of adding fasting to prayer, to enable me to attain to escape from the misery of pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness; but from this the flesh shrinks with extraordinary dread.
FEB. 20. Prayed with earnestness for a spirit of humiliation, and after some time, was blest, through divine mercy, with a sense of my own sinfulness and ingratitude. I felt it good and suitable, that one so vile should walk through the world overwhelmed with contrition and love, receiving with grateful contentment every painful dispensation, because not worthy to enjoy the light of this world. I found it useful to try my heart in its aspect towards sinners; for when I am disposed to be angry and bitter against them, I have seated myself in the Judge’s chair, instead of lying with my face in the dust, as the basest of them all. I pray therefore, that God would glorify himself by the gifts and graces of all his creatures, and put honor upon them, but make me take my place at the bottom of them, unnoticed, unknown, and forgotten. While this temper lasted it was well enough with me; all was serene and serious; but alas! I soon lost it, and became somebody again.
FKB. 21. Employed through the day in writing sermon, and learning Ilindoostance roots. Was led to pray for grace to live simply by faith, and to maintain the life of devotion, not by outward aids, but by immediate union with Christ and dependence on his grace. Tn general, I find, that in beginning to pray, I transport myself in imagination to some solitary spot, or to some scene which I have found favorable to d(;vution, and there fancy myself praying. The bad consequence of this is, that when I open my eyes and am conversant with the tilings around me, I am distressed and unable to maintain such a sense of God’s presence; imagination seems to be a sort of help, like music, not entirely to be despised, because both have quickened the languid spirit of devotion; yet I feel that I ought to learn to live without the help of it, because in sickness and old age it may not be in exercise.
FJ:H. 22. Conscience greatly wounded by trilling and waste of time, when I ought to be in prayer, and by instantly after falling into the same sins, I had really felt humbled and grieved. Oh, the great forbearance of God! Found much matter for prayer in Isaiah xxvi. and xxvii. My soul is rest less without God. At some moments the glimpses of His glory elevate my soul above the world, and make me follow hard after him; at other times I am carnal, full of fears about the opinions of men, and dissatisfied with my lot. Oh for perfect holiness! oh for heaven, where the disorders of my soul shall be removed!
FEB. 23. (Sunday.) In great want of spirituality in all the public and private duties of the day. Preached on John i. 14, and was more comfortable than at any other time of the day. Was vexed with the worldly and wicked conversation of all around me; in the irritable state of mind in which I was, I rather considered my anger as corruption to be striven against, than zeal to be encouraged.
FEB. 24. Employed this morning in Ilindoostanee, and the evening in writing; the afternoon below decks, and had much comfort and enjoyment in secret prayer. Saw great reason to strive against sensuality at my meals, and at dinner time to-day was enabled to mortify my appetites, and to consider my body strictly as intended to be as no instrument of my own pleasure, but to be used and refreshed for God’s service.
FEB. 26. How constantly and earnestly has God assured his people of the future ingathering of the Gentiles; I have seen it more and more of late in Isaiah, and pray God I may be stirred up to pray fervently for the fulfilment of his promises. And oh that I myself may live with God, and behold the world and its concerns with the eye of a stranger! Endeavored to keep this text before me at dinner time, “For getting the things which are behind, and reaching forth unto the things which are before, I press toward the mark, for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Oh the high and holy work of a believer! Every day is given to me to obtain new grace, to put new graces into exercise, and improve those that I have, whatever they may be. God help me of his mercy to walk more evenly and holily!
FEB. 27. Rose once more after a sleepless night, and had in consequence a peevish temper to contend with. Had a comfortable and fervent season of prayer, in the morning, while interceding for the heathen from some of the chapters in Isaiah. How striking did those words, Isaiah xlii. 8, appear to me, “I am the Lord, that is my name, and my glory will I not give to another, neither my praise to graven images.” Lord, is not thy praise given to graven images in India? here then is thine own express word that it shall not continue to be so. And how easy is it for the mighty God, that created the heavens and stretched them out, that spread forth the earth, and that which cometh out of it; that giveth breath unto the people upon it, and spirit to them that walk therein; to effect his purposes in a moment! Who knows whether even the present generation may not see Satan’s throne shaken to its base in India? Learning Hindoostanee words in the morning; in the afternoon below, and much hurt at the cold reception the men gave me.
FEB. 28. Had still much comfort and enlargement in prayer over the chapters of Isaiah. Learnt Hindoostanee words, which, however dry an employment in itself, is made so delightful to me through the mercy of God, that I could with pleasure be always at it. From the want of the usual refreshment of coffee at night, which is not to be given any more on the voyage, I was led into many reflections on self-denial in general. I find it a very hard matter to live independently of the flesh, and to feel the same pleasure in God, and the same general contentment, when deprived of accustomed indulgences, as when enjoying them. Finding I was looking forward with pleasure to the refreshment of wine and water, which I should receive at night from the cuddy, I determined to mortify this carnality, by sending it to the sick, whose necessities indeed made it a duty to do so. After this, though a little heavy, and without any sensible pleasure in religion, I felt a great hardihood of soul, and superiority to all difficulties.
MARCH 2. (Sunday.) The ship running nine knots an hour, and the sea sometimes flying over the side, the Captain had no service. McK. coming into the cabin, read a few of the church prayers, afterwards we read sacred Scripture and some of the Homilies. Afterwards, in secret, had a solemn season of meditation and prayer on Philippians and 1 Cor. xiii. Reading some of Leighton on Peter, I was somewhat dejected at the apparent impossibility of attaining the spirituality and holiness which he describes, or at least at the pain to the flesh, with which such exertions must be attended. Went in to dinner unwillingly, yet determined to mortify all my carnal appetites. In prayer alone afterwards, my soul rose with joy, and tasted a more pure and spiritual pleasure than for a long time past. I saw nothing in the world comparable to the service of God; no possession on earth so sweet as his own image.
MARCH 3. Had some thoughts of devoting this day to fasting and prayer; but rising with a cold, and the air exceedingly damp, I thought that fasting would expose me to the attack of fever, especially while going among those who have it. Continued, however, in the spirit of prayer, and notwithstanding the great want of diligence in all 1 did, my soul seemed under a spiritual influence, so that I found sweet delight in prayer, and the thought of passing all my time in prayer, and keeping my body completely under for that pur pose. Met with some things in Hartley on Man, on the subject of temperance, which I found useful; I want to have nothing to do with the world. May I ever remain free and disentangled, pursuing my way unnoticed through the wilderness, finding all my pleasure in secret communion with God, and in seeing him glorified!
MARCH 4. My mind tolerably spiritual, and finding pleasure in the thought of spending all my time in prayer, and crucifixion of the body; but was obliged again to defer the setting apart a day for prayer, on account of my cold, which makes me very stupid. Employed chiefly in Hindoostanee. Still no service in the afternoon, through the illness of my people. Found an opportunity of speaking to Corporal 15., who has kept away from us ever since coming abroad from the Cape. Oh how various and important are the duties of a minister! they require far more wisdom than I possess. This young man naturally has a bad temper, and the ill-will IK; has brought upon himself by it from all the soldiers, has unhinged his mind, and proved a temptation to forsake God and his ordinances. Had a happy season of prayer with MeK. at night, but still my slothfulness and unfruitfulness is an enemy to my peace.
MARCH 5. Oh, Spirit of God! fix the eyes of thy wretched creature upon his former sins, which thou hast brought to his mind, else he will instantly forget them and think of something else, and become again self-complacent! I was made to recollect this morning something of my wickedness in my conduct years ago. Oh, since I am not now in the burning flame, what shall I do? how shall my walk and conversation be ever consistent with such miracles of mercy? How can I be so barefaced as to stand up to rebuke sin? How can I dare to be angry with sinners? Teach thou me, oh God! since it is permitted thy creature to speak to thee. This day was set apart for fasting and prayer; the morning was spent in the work of humiliation, and through mercy there was no great difficulty. The hard heart was broken, and contrite in a certain degree. At least I had not the distressing sensation of impudent hard-heartedness, which 1 sometimes feel at the sight of sin. In the afternoon, began to pray for the setting up of God’s kingdom in the world, especially in India, and had such a season of prayer as I never had before. Notwithstanding the view I had of my dreadful guilt and depravity in the morning, at night I had to groan again at feeling the spiritual pride founded on the exercises of the past day.
MARCH 6. Professedly engaged in writing and learning Hindoostanee words, but failed in that diligence, for which my soul seemed earnest in prayer last night and this morning. Endeavored to exercise that indifference which I ought to have, whether the ship goes faster or slower towards India, since it is God’s concern. Oh for a due humility for my past idleness! oh for a sense of the infinite value of time; oh my soul! whatever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might, for there is no knowledge, nor wisdom, nor device in the grave, whither thou goest!
MARCH 7. Endeavored this morning to consider Christ as the High Priest of my profession. Never do I set myself to understand the nature of my walk in Christ, without irettinfj-
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good to my soul. Employed as usual through the day. Heard from McK. that they are not yet tired of inveighing against my doctrines. They took occasion also to say from my salary, that “Martyn as well as the rest can share the plunder of the natives of India; whether it is just or not he does not care.” This brought back the doubts I formerly had about the lawfulness of receiving anvthincv from the
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company. My mind is not yet comfortable about it. I sec it, however, my duty to wait in faith and patience till the Lord shall satisfy my doubts one way or other. I would wish for no species of connection with the East India Company, and notwithstanding the large sums I have borrowed on the credit of my salary, which I shall never be able to repay from any other means, I would wish to become a missionary, dependent on a society; but I know not how to decide. The Lord in mercy keep my soul in peace! Other thoughts have occurred to me since. The Company arc the acknowledged proprietors of the country, the ruling powers. If I were to refuse to go there, I might, on the same account, refuse to go to France, and preach to the French people, or body-guard of the emperor, because the present monarch who paid me was not the lawful one.
MARCH 8. My mind at ease by the foregoing considerations: but the anxiety produced by the question produced indisposition which made my body very irritable. Nothing will be so good for my health in India, as a strong faith and close walk with God, keeping my mind in perfect peace. The influence the mind has upon the body is astonishing.
MARCH 9. (Sunday.) Oh blessed Lord! what are friends, or home, or society! Thou art more than all of them to me I What friend on earth careth for my soul, or can do it any good? Who ever loved it, as thou hast loved it? Were I in the midst of them, I could seldom see them; but thou art always near. Even a father is but the author of my bodily existence, whereas my God is the Creator of my body, the Creator of my soul, the Redeemer, and Sanctifier of it; I feel that all earthly connections are unimportant; I am for God only. Rose in the morning with peacefulness and in prayer; was helped to rest by faith on the promises of God, and to be more serious about the effects of the word on the souls of the poor people, than anxious about their opinions of it. Preached from John i. 29. All very attentive as usual, but no impression seemingly. Read Jeremiah after wards in my cabin, and was recovering from the ruffled state of mind I am generally in after preaching, when McK. by irrelevant conversation, and bringing full food to my pride, disturbed my peace; but at last it was restored, while praying for grace to live spiritually, above all carnal delights, which alas, I find it very hard to do; most of the prayers I offer up on this subject seeming to pass away like the wind. Read, prayed and sang below in the afternoon to a tolerable number. In prayer afterwards in private, had a most precious view of Christ. The wonder is how I have no theretofore been swallowed up with admiration of Jesus Christ, and that I should be tempted hereafter to forget to praise and love him. Oh that those happy seasons were continued! that the Spirit of truth would keep these things of Christ in the imaginations of the thoughts of my heart! I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
MARCH 10. My peace was much wounded by carelessness and backwardness in prayer and reading. What a miserable creature! no manifestations of Divine favor, no painful trials have yet taught me to beware of offending the great and blessed God, by walking unevenly before him. Oh that I may fear this great and holy Lord God! In prayer about the middle of the day over one of the chapters of Isaiah, was greatly restored in the spirit of my mind, and found much satisfaction at having gained some superiority over my carnal appetite, by being able to look upon the day as given me to spend in study and labors for God, and meat and drink as occasional refreshments, about which I ought not to think one minute. In the evening afterwards felt the most ardent desire to be employing myself in the language, that I might as soon as possible be able to preach the gospel; and prayed with much confidence for the presence of the Lord, and his assistance even in this study.
MARCH 11. Having had something said to me, though very groundlessly, as if I loved sleep, I determined to follow the captain’s advice, and go to bed at nine, and rise at four, instead of sitting up so late as I generally do. Had much enjoyment of Divine things through the day.
MARCH 12. Felt very much withdrawn from this present world while in prayer, but my trifling way of passing my time was very distressing to me. Had a service below, and stayed to converse with Sergeants G. and C. and the sick. I read Leighton, It blows a gale again, and my own frame is much deranged; death was brought near to view, and the precious remarks of that holy man were the means of rich and abundant comfort to me. Truly I CJHI say — “I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better.”
MAUCH 14. It is the ardent desire of my soul to regard all earthly things with indifference, as one who dwells above with God. May I grow in grace! may the grace of God which bringeth salvation teach me to become daily more spiritual, more humble, more stedfast in Christ, more meek, more wise, and in all things to live soberly, righteously and godly in this present world! How shall I attain to greater heavenly-mindedness? Rose refreshed after a good night’s sleep, and wrote on a subject; had much conversation with Mr. J$. upon deck; he seemed much surprised when I corrected his notions on religion, but received what I said with great candor, lie said there was a minister at Madras, a Dane, with whom Sir D. Baird was well acquainted, who used to speak in the same manner of religion, whose name was Schwartz. My attention was instantly roused at the venerable name, and I eagerly inquired of him all the particulars with which he was acquainted, lie had often heard him preach, and Mr. Jtenicke had often breakfasted with him; Schwartz, he said, had a very commanding manner, and used to preach ex tempore in English, at Madras. In the afternoon had a service below; much of the evening McK. passed with me, and prayed.
MARCH 16. (Sunday.) In the morning with many waverings; I was at last assisted to be somewhat spiritual and elevated above the world to God. Preached on Job xxii. 21; there was less attention than I ever saw, except once; only one officer present, and many of the soldiers standing at a distance, instead of sitting down in order. In the afternoon was much assisted below in speaking from beginning of John v.; prayed and sang with them. Continued all the latter part of the day with affections and thoughts sweetly fixed on heaven. I seem to feel that I have nothing to do but to fulfil, as a hireling, my day, and then to die and be at rest with Jesus. Oh what are friends, what are the enjoyments of this world! how vain, how transitory!
MARCH 17. The morning employed in writing, but no diligence; in prayer cold; was roused to a sense of shame and sorrow for my indolence, towards evening; and began to work with some fervor and earnestness, as in the presence of God, but I was unhappily interrupted, and not able to resume my work the rest of the evening. Read Prideaux and Milner to McK., but my spirit was much injured by our light and worldly conversation. Oh that I may have grace to return from my evil ways!
MARCH 18. Was tried with evil tempers very early in the morning. When meeting the Major on the poop, we had a conversation about the missions at the Cape. I was grieved at his apparent hatred of them, and his disrelish of religion. In great shame for my past indolence, I cried to God, and in determined resolution began my work of writing, and with a sort of indignation against myself, continued pretty stedfast, and was made to profit. I continued in the same spirit of determined diligence, and thought with pleasure of a life, perfectly independent of earthly comforts, spent in the service of Christ. Prayed with McK. at night; but the long conversation about the things of this world afterwards injured my peace again.
MARCH 19. Still pressing myself to more diligence, but again loitering; did less this morning than yesterday. Poor B. quite delirious; let me not forget to pray for him, now that he cannot pray for himself. The Major gave some better hopes; said he was quite satisfied with himself, but could not attain that state of perfection required. Confessed that happiness was only to be found in the hopes of the next world, for there was nothing worth living for in this.
MARCH 20. Fell in with the trade wind, which now carries us rapidly towards India. AVhat tenfold need of diligence have I now, to make amends for so much lost time! Was rather more stedfast than yesterday, but still very unfruitful. Fell again into that keen anxiety about the wind and weather, and the way we were making. Alas! why cannot I leave these things with God? Had a happy and enlivening season in prayer in the middle of the day for the spread of the gos pel in the distant islands, about which I had been reading. I felt a sort of regret that I could not live to see the happy day; yet I think the inhabitants of heaven must take pleasure in seeing the same things; at least I can scarce picture to my self a greater enjoyment in heaven, than seeing God glorified by the general conversion of the heathen to the Lord Jesus Christ, Read and sang below. In the evening, with McK., was more on my guard against trifling conversation, and enjoyed in consequence a sweet and happy spirituality of mind.
MARCH 21. Wounded my conscience grievously by careless walking, and following my own humor by reading other things, when the Spirit of God was calling me to prayer; in great misery at night, I cast myself at the foot of the cross, having been unable to approach God in my prayers to any purpose before; and then, through infinite mercy and love, found some tender contrition.
MARCH 23. (Sunday.) Preached on Ezek. xxxiii. 11. The wind was very high, and being on our beam, the sea beat upon the broadside, with such noise and violence, that the men could rot attend well; I found it easy enough to stand, by resting my back against the weather binnacle, and I felt disposed to go on with liberty and affection; but was obliged to cut my sermon short, by which means I left out the most prominent and useful parts. In the afternoon, the tarpaulins being over the hatches, we could have no service below; in the evening, enjoyed a delightful and sanctifying season in, prayer.
MARCH 24. The heat, which is 82, I found very relaxing, and began to be discouraged at the prospect of being unable to support the heat of India; but after some time I recollected that this was no concern of mine; thus I was peaceful again, by casting all my care upon God. Now this is a very precious privilege; all that class of evils, which consist in expected suffering, I have learned through grace, by the gospel, to dismiss from my mind. Reading the account of Mr. B.’s death, I rose affected with awful apprehensions, lest on my death-bed I too should have occasion to say, “I have too much neglected prayer.” Alas! what signifies the number of times I bow my knees, unless I get good to my soul; and what will it profit me, to have given my body to be burned, and my goods to feed the poor, if I have not personal holiness?
MARCH 26. Passed much time before breakfast in sitting on the poop, through utter disinclination to all exertion. Such is the enervating effect of the climate; but after staying some hours learning Hindoostanee words, 2 Timothy ii. roused me to a bodily exertion. I felt strong in spirit, resolving, if I died under it, to make the body submit to robust exercise; so I walked the deck with great rapidity for an hour and a half. My animal spirits were altered instantly; I felt a happy and joyful desire to brave the enervating effects of India in the service of the blessed Lord Jesus. B. dying fast; the first thing he said to me when I visited him this afternoon, was, “Mr. Martyn, what will you choose for a kingdom?” I made no answer to this, but thought of it a good deal afterwards. What would I choose? Why I do not know that anything would be a heaven to me but the service of Christ, and the enjoyment of his presence. B. would say nothing but a few sentences about religion. “I want to go to heaven,” “1 want Christ,” ‘• fountain of wisdom,” &c. As there were two soldiers standing by his hammock, I asked him whether he would not advise them to seek Christ in their health; he said, “they should.” Was comforted with observing in McK. at night a growth in grace. We read Blair’s Lectures, some Scripture, and hymns together, and had much spiritual conversation about the temptations we are liable to, and our weakness against them, and the strength which is to be found in Christ. My own soul afterwards was much oppressed with guilt, and shame, at the carnality of my life and thoughts, and especially at recollecting my neglect of ministerial duty. Oh! when shall my soul be kept above the world? I feel myself more radically corrupted every day. I cannot, I really have no power to keep before my mind, one single minute, any of those thoughts which reason and affection ever make
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dear to me.
MARCH 27. The trade wind proving most unusually to be foul, blowing from the N.E. instead of S.E. we were obliged to go upon a losing tack to-day, and made very little way. I seemed to partake of the general impatience, and felt fretful at the prospect of such a long protracted voyage. When I meet the rest at meals, they weary me much more than they need to do, by their frivolous conversation. Sat a considerable time with the Lascars on the orlop, and conversed with them a little. They understood all my questions, but by their volubility elude my endeavors to understand them. However, I think I am improving in this. One of the new ones we took in at the Cape, a man of perfectly oriental appearance, and very grave, spoke to me with uncommon energy upon religion; the drift of all he said was to show, that not withstanding the difference of religions, it all came to the same thing at last. In prayer before McK. came, I hoped I should be able to have my soul wholly in heaven, and the blessed example of Jesus before my eyes, but it was not so. In reading some hymns with him afterwards, my heart was filled with much joy and love.
MARCH 28. Felt a great degree of weariness at the length of the voyage. We are now lying becalmed in the centre of the Indian ocean, but let not a discontented thought be found in my heart. I was much tried by evil temper with one of the young men in Mathematics. In prayer after this, I could do nothing, but cast myself simply upon the mercy and power of God, and cry for deliverance, which I obtained, and found my heart, through the great riches of his grace, tender and affectionate, particularly towards those to whom I had spoken with asperity.
MARCH 29. Employed all day long in preparing for to morrow. All the dread of preaching with which I used to be tried, seemed to return. The afternoon spent as usual in visiting the sick, and sitting on the poop in pensive meditation. Alas, how little is there worth tarrying here for, but the laboring for precious souls; and oh that I may have a heart to do that!
MARCH 30. Before service was still harassed by vain fears about preaching. As pride was at the bottom of this, I found it best to consider before God in prayer, how worthless I am; why should I expect to go without contempt? Suppose God forsook me, and men in consequence scorned and trampled upon me. Who am I that I should dare to complain? 0 Lord, it becometh not me to be anywhere but lying in the dust. Preached on Isaiah Iv. 1 — 3, and was assisted as usual, so as to obtain attention; afterwards read with McK. some of the homilies. In the afternoon expounded, sang, and prayed be low. McK and myself read and prayed together at night, and had much agreeable conversation about Christ, particularly his life upon earth, and about the enjoyments of heaven. S. again came and made several objections to the Scriptures, such as might strike a medical man. The poor man does not know how to praise me sufficiently now to the others, because, - suppose, I reason mildly with him about the evil of his ways, while the others take liberties with him, or ridicule him.
MARCH 31. Found the presence of God in prayer, and had clear views of my duty as a minister and missionary, and pleaded fervently for grace to be holy. Read ‘• Sheridan on Elocution” with McK. Afterwards hearing that Hough, one of the men, was dying, I went below, but he was speechless. I was immediately struck with apprehension that I had neglected his soul. Oh, the agonizing misery of being 8tained with the blood of souls!