Chapter XV

April 1806 – July 1806

April 1. The sense of my guilt was still almost overwhelming, but in. prayer God spoke peace in a degree to my soul. The man died in the night. The last time I spoke to him, which was the last time I believe that I saw him in his senses, he seemed somewhat affected, and began to say how happy it would be to get to heaven; and after I had been telling him of his sins, he observed that his heart was all in a tremble. I did not consider him in any danger, and therefore thought I should have had many other opportunities of speaking to him. He heard the gospel from me, but God knows whether he understood it to the saving of his soul. I have no doubt but that he died for want of proper nourishment; all I can get from breakfast and at night I thought it right to give to Beasant, who is still on the borders of the grave from the same cause; want of proper meat after the weakening effects of his disease. After dinner his body was committed to the deep; every person in the ship attended, I think, crowding round in the boom and rigging. Among the sick, whom I went to afterwards, I found but one sensible, to whom I spoke about his soul, with a determination that no blood should lie at my door, if I could help it. Employments as usual, writing sermon, and learning Hindoostanee. In prayer with McK. at night, was assisted in my endeavors after humiliation. Afterwards S came and told

me more of his mind; said I was a dangerous man in the ship, and wished to head a party, by assembling the soldiers in the orlop contrary to the wishes of Captain 0. In walking the quarter-deck to-day I had a dispute with M., whose unreasonable way of talking was very irritating; and afterward’ with the Major. I am very weary with the opposition o men of perverse minds, but I know that God will arise, and plead his own cause.

APRIL 2. Word was brought to me this morning that Beasant had just died. He was crawling upon his hands and knees to his breakfast, when he was taken worse, and died, as they were lifting him into his hammock. In the afternoon he was committed to the deep. As Captain F., whom I had observed dejected, told me the cause of his uneasiness was a fear lest our provisions would not hold out, I thought it a call to make it a subject of stated prayer, that God would not deliver us to the pains of fame.

APKIL 3. As the convalescent men get worse for want of fresh meat, I thought it right to be very urgent with the Captain, to allow me to send away my dinner to them, and to eat salt junk instead; and several of the passengers agreed to take it by turns to do the same; but the Captain, instead of allowing this, said he would send them a plate of meat himself, whenever there was enough. To-day there was not half enough, and I ate salt junk myself, which produced such an unquenchable thirst all the rest of the evening, that I knew not what to do with myself. How do the poor men bear it every day? My studies the same as usual. McK. and my self had an agreeable conversation at night about the enjoyments of heaven.

APRIL 6. (Sunday.) From the misery I bring myself into through pride, I was induced to cry to God for heavenly-mindedness, and especially for humility, through which only I can ever enjoy peace. Preached on Isaiah lxiii. 1. No particular attention, but more of the officers were present. Passed the rest of the evening in reading Daniel and the Homilies, and in prayer, though I could find no freedom or comfort in it. In the afternoon collected the singers, read John xiv. with such inward tenderness of soul, that I could scarcely refrain from tears. The small number present, the departure of my dear brother B., and the absence of the two soldiers, from whom I expected better things, filled me with grief; so that I was pressed in spirit to speak with all possible earnestness, and to pray with them with fervor. I then went and expostulated as faithfully as I could, with one of those who is, I trust, not yet gone back again unto perdition: my whole soul for once seemed to be in earnest, and I went about speaking boldly to several of the sailors, and could have found it in my heart to preach to them all day long. The boatswain’s-mate told me many would come and hear me, were it not for shame; the reason my servant gave me for it was, because the heat was so great below. He told me moreover that he believed the lads among the soldiers did not understand much of my sermons. Few things give me more pain than this, as I certainly do not want the power of making spiritual things plain, I dread lest I should be led away from simple preaching, by incessant attention to language. God save me from this delusion! Had a happy season in prayer in the evening, and found grace to intercede for my sister with tears. At our evening meeting, F., one of the cadets, was present; he has long been serious, but I could never by conversation be satisfied with him. McK. rather reflected on me for not having hinted to him to come in, tell ing me that it was my duty to go out into the highways and hedges, and compel them to come in. We all of us read and prayed; many thino-s I had heard to humble me; but my soul was benefited; every word I heard, every thought of God was sweet, and carried away my soul to heaven.

APRIL 7. Much impressed with what I had been reading in Daniel. Oh that 1 were withdrawn from the body, like that holy man, and enjoyed such visits from God! For one in my situation, it is inexcusable not to be a man of prayer, when he, a man engaged in public business, was so heavenly-minded. This being the day I preached my farewell sermon last year, I sat down in the evening, and enjoyed many tender recollections of the beloved friends at Cambridge; many of them perhaps were thinking of me. I did not recollect that it was the first Monday in the month; or I should have joined in supplications for the church.

APRIL 8. In proportion to the languor I felt from the heat, my hopes of living in India declined, and views of death drew nearer. Though I have done nothing yet for Christ, yet what I shall choose I wot not. I have nothing to attract me to this life, and therefore why should I not be refreshed at the thought of death? Began writing upon another subject, and learned a few roots.

APRIL 9. Passed the morning in writing, and the afternoon in visiting the sick; but the heat was so great below, that I could not stay long. However, I bear the heat as well as any in the ship. It is here very sultry, becalmed as we are within a few miles of the line. At night my soul was much distressed at my unfaithfulness and indolence in ministerial duties, and saw the necessity of more earnestness both in labor and prayer, if I would not have more blood-guiltiness upon my soul. 0 that the Spirit of God may bring these thoughts to my remembrance each day! Went among the soldiers upon deck, and was glad to find that one, of whom I was in doubt, was still in the right way.

APRIL 11. McK. sitting in my cabin most of this morning, I did little but learn roots, and by unwatchfulness fell into a carnal uncomfortable frame. On going to visit the sick, I found the surgeon bleeding P., who was ill of a brain fever.

Soon after, he died; as long as he continued in his senses, I spoke to him about his soul, but could never get any answer to the purpose. In prayer for these last few days I have been tolerably comfortable, but led to seek chiefly a spirit of diligence; to-night the departure of this soul made me unhappy, lest I should have been chargeable with his destruction. Oh the awfulness of the ministry! how shall I ever be pure from the blood of all men? I do nothing ail the day but in reference to my ministry; but how do I do it? Oh my God, there is nought upon earth that I care for, but thee and thine; but oh, that my soul were alive to my work and roused to a holy ardor!

APRIL 12. McK. sat with me the whole morning; but as I determined not to let this circumstance disturb me, I looked up to God, and was enabled to be more diligent than ordinarily in writing on a divine subject, and learning roots. In the afternoon my time was wholly taken up with a young man, suddenly attacked with some disorder, who was in the greatest alarm about his soul. He said to me and to all aroundf “Now I know what it is; never again will I live as •I have done,” and much more to the same purpose, acknowledging his desert of hell. As I had no reason to doubt his sincerity, I continued to speak of the grace of God in the gospel to him. On going away, he said he should wish to see me as often as possible.

APRIL 13. (Sunday.) Preached on Acts xvi. 29-31. The subject as usual excited the deepest attention. My own heart after the sermon was averse to prayer; but in waiting upon God he had mercy upon me, and made me to breathe after holiness and a heavenly mind, and a constant spiritual discharge of my ministry. The young man so alarmed yesterday seemed to have lost his concern about his soul, together with his fear of death. Retained through the rest of the day some tenderness of spirit, and succeeded in resisting the proneness to trifling conversation with McK. which we are both so apt to fall into.

APRIL 17. Things wear a very gloomy aspect amongst us; scarcely any are at all concerned about their souls. My own soul too is in a poor state, continually prone to impatience at the length of the voyage, and inordinately anxious for the appearance of land. Yet in prayer God mercifully revives and directs me. My stated prayer in the middle of the day over a chapter of Isaiah, for the setting up of Christ’s kingdom among the heathen, is very often cold and formal; yet 1 will, through grace, never to the end of my days give over praying for this blessed event. At night my soul felt miserably oppressed with a sense of my barrenness and deadness. Oh, I am weary of serving God in this manner. Oh, may the Holy Spirit put life and ardor into my soul!

APRIL 19. After a sleepless night, rose early, and saw the island of Ceylon, bearing west three or four leagues; it presented a long range of hills running north and south, broken in a picturesque manner, but not lofty, and the low land between the hills and the sea was covered with trees. After being ten weeks at sea, it was very agreeable to see the never-varying horizon interrupted by dark land; and so long had we been used to the clear breezes of the ocean, that we immediately detected the effluvia of rank vegetation. The smell from the land was exceedingly fragrant, and I felt my senses quite soothed by it; I sat on the poop following a long train of pleasing thoughts, about the blissful period, when the native Cingalese should rear temples to Jesus, in their cinnamon groves. The day was afterwards excessively hot, while we lay becalmed. I was at first giving way to anxiety lest I should not be able to bear it long, especially as the distressing sensation of shortness of breath still continues; but I was soon composed by considering, that, come what will, it shall be best for me; if I die, I die to be happy — if I live, I shall live to glorify God. Sweet necessity!

All must come, and last, and end,
As shall please my heavenly Friend.

In the evening, a breeze springing up carried us out of sight of land. The man in whom I observed some signs of grace yesterday, died suddenly this morning.

APRIL 21. On coming on deck to-day, my eyes were gratified with a sight of India, We were just opposite Tranquebar, about eight or ten miles distant, and in the course of the day, passed Cuddalore, Pondicherry, etc. I was full of thought most of the day about India, and my future residence in those plains which I saw. Feeling myself very unwell, I was reminded of my short continuance in this world. This thought is precious, and serves to check the carnal eagerness with which I am apt to wish for a stay on earth to accomplish my objects.

APRIL 23. Breakfasted with Mr. V. at Vepery, and went with him afterwards to Dr. K., with whom I spent the remainder of the day. I found him a most affectionate, and in most respects, a serious man. He gave me a vast deal of information about all the chaplains and missionaries in the country, which he promised to put in writing for me. Showed me his schools and institution of 300 caste people employed in printing, engraving, (fee. Considering the little retirement I had this day, my soul was tolerably spiritual and comfortable. Early in the morning I found the solemn presence of God communicated to me, while meditating on my future work, and the probable shortness of life. How comfortable to lean on the arm of the Beloved, and to be indifferent about life or death! Dr. K. communicated several particulars about Swartz and Gericke, with whom he was well acquainted. Felt excessively delighted with accounts of a very late date from Bengal, describing the labors of the missionaries, and was rather agitated at the confusion of interesting thoughts that crowded upon me; but I reasoned, Why thus? God may never honor you with a missionary commission; you must expect to leave the field, and bid adieu to the world and all its concerns. Dismissed my old servant, Narayen, to-day, and took another, Samees, because he could speak Ilindoostanee. Had a good deal of conversation with a Rajpoot about religion, and told him of the gospel.

APRIL 25. Rose early, but could not enjoy morning meditations in my walk, as the young men would attach them selves to me. Passed the day at Dr. K’s. At breakfast met Mr. L. the missionary; my mind uneasy for want of more retirement. Succeeded a little in getting my mind above the world, by prayer, in passing to and fro in the palanquin. With Mr. T. I had a long and regular conversation respecting the doctrines of the gospel, duties of a minister, <fec. In a few days he goes to Seringapatam to be stationed as a chaplain, and I am by no means without hope that his heart is under divine influences, and that he will devote himself to the work of preaching to the natives; at dinner we met Mr. Torriano, and his two sons; the old man is a remarkable character, and a sterling saint. Our conversation together for some hours after dinner was profitable and religious, and I walked back to Mr. 0. at night, much pleased with the manner in which the latter part of the day had been spent; but I cannot be happy without being more alone.

APRIL 2.8. This morning at breakfast, Sir E. P. came in and said: Upon my word, Mr. Martyn, you gave us a good trimming yesterday.” As this was before a large company, and I was taken by surprise, I knew not what to say. Passed most .of the day in transcribing the sermon. There was nothing very awakening in it.

MAY 1. Breakfasted at Mr. H’s. at Vepery. The rest of the morning passed in making calls on Mr. V., Dr. K., and the purser; the only retirement I can get is while I am in the palanquin, and there the Lord helps me to approach him for a while in reflection and prayer; but my spirit suffers for want of regularity in secret duties.

MAY 2. Passed the whole day at Dr. K’s., collecting all the information I could about the ecclesiastical state of India, which I committed to paper. Young Torriano and Mr. Love less were there, and by conversation at our meals on the future happiness of the church, much enlivened my heart. My friends expressed much regret and affection at parting with me. For myself I seem incapable of a lively sensation of any kind.

MAY 4. (Sunday.) The ship so taken up with communications with the shore, and preparations for sailing, that there was no service. As we did not sail, I felt sorry that I had not remained on shore to preach, as I had engaged to do; though lying in sight of the churches, I did not dare to go ashore. I passed my time in reading Scripture and prayer; my mind was very low, ever sinking in deep waters, and I wanted power from on high to support my faith; I was throughout the day wavering; sometimes enabled to rejoice in the Lord, or at least to cast all my care upon him. At other times despairing of the conversion of the heathen, or of my being ever fitted for it.

MAY 6. By reading some of the reports of the Society for Missions to Africa and the East, I again felt much refreshed, as I saw that the people of God over the world are much interested in the blessed work. I still endeavor to hold more constant fellowship with my dear brethren, as it compensates for the want of their society and encouragement. All the rest of the day everything went well with my soul. Some parts of the Prophet Malachi were made delightful and profitable to me. Oh! the name of Jesus shall be great among the heathen: in every place they shall offer incense to his name, and a pure offering. My heart expands through the world, and realizes the joyful day. God takes away the veil from my heart, and I see the veil removing from off the face of the whole earth. 0 come, Lord Jesus! make no long tarrying, 0 my God.

MAY 8. Rose unwell, yet cheerful; whether life or death awaits me, it shall be well with my pardoned soul. By trifling conversation and great unwatchfulness over my own heart, I lost much of the Divine presence. What detestable folly and ingratitude is it to forget God, and lend an ear to vanity! In prayer in the evening, it was with difficulty I could bring myself to due seriousness. With McK. at night, read Hebrews and some of D. Brainerd’s Letters. Blessed be the memory of that holy man! 1 feel happy that I shall have his book with me in India, and thus enjoy in a manner the benefit of his company and example. The famous pagoda of Juggernaut came in sight this afternoon, much resembling in appearance Roche Rock in Cornwall; it was a large pile of building, made very visible, by being surrounded with the yellow sand close to the sea; it was so dark as to resemble a rock. This is emblematical of its use, as being employed for the worship of the spirits of darkness. The scene presented another specimen of that tremendous gloom with which the devil has overspread the land; no house near it; no noise to be heard along the bare coast, but the hollow roar of the surf.

MAY 9. Several pilot vessels appearing in sight to-day from Balasare roads, each ship took a pilot on board, and all made the best of the way to Calcutta. At night we were overtaken by that tremendous hurricane, the north-wester. From being a little in the sun to-day, I got a violent head ache, which prevented me from sleeping at night. It is in these climates that the curse of God upon the creation for man’s sin is most visible; the sun, formed to be the light and comfort of the creation, is here a dreadful enemy. I feel as much dread of being exposed to its rays after it has been up two or three hours, as I would of pushing my head into a fire; the pleasant weather here is cloudy weather.

MAY 11. (Sunday.) Rose a little better; instead of having Divine service, we were obliged to be all hands at the cap stan. In the morning McK. and myself had prayers and reading in my cabin, and at night Franklin joined us in what I expected was my farewell prayer. I was very far from feeling suitable sensations, and, though free in words, had no humble spiritual breathing after God; and what grieved me no less was to observe the deadness of my dear brothers, and how readily they turned to common subjects of conversation. Oh what a poor wretch I am! nothing, however awful and powerful, is sufficient to keep me in a right frame, and the Spirit of God I am slow and unbelieving in crying for.

MAY 12. Got under weigh again; entered the Hoogly. The flat shores on either side were covered with low wood, and I never saw land near sea, present a less interesting appearance. I felt the same surprise as I have often done elsewhere at the solitude and apparent desertion of a place much spoken of. I thought to have seen whole fleets of ships, vast numbers of natives on the shores, and appearances of cultivation, but there was nothing of the sort. A village indeed was seen running in an easterly direction from the shore into the interior, consisting, we heard, of no less than ] 0,000 houses; but there seemed to be nothing doing. Five or six miserable people only were seen cutting down the jungle for firewood. My soul was revived to-day through God’s never-ceasing compassion, so that I found the refreshing presence of God in secret duties; especially was 1 most abundantly encouraged by reading D. Brainerd’s account of the difficulties attending a mission to the heathen. Oh, blessed be the memory of that beloved saint! no uninspired writer ever did me so much good. 1 felt most sweetly joyful to labor amongst the poor natives here; and my willingness was, I think, more divested of those romantic notions, which have sometimes inflated me with false spirits.

MAY 15. This morning went on board the Charlotte Yacht, which took the treasure to town, in hopes of getting to Calcutta in a few hours, but from want of wind did not reach it till ten at night. Had a good deal of conversation by the way with the Captain upon religion; my own frame was low and spiritless; in mind, from want of retirement; in body, from something of fever. The approach to Calcutta, particularly about Garden Reach, where we lay several hours, is very beautiful. The rich verdure, and variety of the trees, and the elegant mansions which they partly hide, conspire to render the same highly agreeable to the eye; but the thought of the diabolical heathenism, amidst these beauties of nature, takes away almost all the pleasure I should otherwise experience.

MAY 1G. Went ashore at day-light this morning, and with some difficulty found Carey: Messrs. Brown and Buchanan being both absent from Calcutta. Joined with him in worship which was in Bengalee, for the advantage of a few servants,’ who sat, however, perfectly unmoved. I could not help contrasting them with the slaves and Hottentots at Cape Town, whose hearts seemed to burn within them. I had engaged a boat to go to Serampore, when a letter from Mr. Brown found me out, and directed me to his house in the town, where I spent the rest of the day in solitude, and more comfortably and profitably than any time past. I enjoyed several solemn seasons in prayer, and more lively impressions from God’s word. I felt elevated above those distressing fears and distractions which pride and worldlincss engender in the mind.

Mr. Brown’s moonshee, a Brahmin, came in, and disputed with me two hours about the gospel. He spoke English very well, and possessed more acuteness, good sense, moderation, and acquaintance with the Scriptures, than I could conceive to be found in an Indian. He spoke with uncommon energy and eloquence, intending to show that Christianity and Hindooism did not materially differ. He asked me to explain my system, and adduce the proofs of it from the Bible, which ho said he believed was the word of God. When I asked him about his idolatry, he asked in turn what I had to say about our worshipping Christ. This led to inquiries about the Trinity, which, after hearing what I had to say, he observed was actually the Hindoo notion. I explained several things about the Jews and the Old Testament, about which he wanted information, with all which he was amazingly pleased. I feel much encouraged by this, to go to instruct them. I see that they are a religious people, as St. Paul called the Athenians, and my heart almost springs at the thought, that the time is ripening for the fullness of the Gentiles to come in.

MAY 17. The depravity of my heart, as it is in its natural frame, appeared to me to-day almost unconquerable, I could not, however long in prayer, keep the presence of God, or the power of the world to come, in my mind at all. It sunk down to its most lukewarm state, and continued in general so, in spite of my endeavors. Oh how I need a deep heart rending work of the Spirit upon myself, before I shall save myself, or them that hear me! What I hear about my future destination has proved a trial to me to-day. My dear brethren, Brown and Buchanan, wish to keep me here, as I expected, and the Governor accedes to their wishes. I have a great many reasons for not liking this; I almost think, that to be prevented going among the heathen as a missionary would break my heart. Whether it be self-will or aught else, I cannot yet rightly ascertain; at all events, I must learn submission to everything. In the multitude of my thoughts, thy comforts delight my soul. I have been running the hurried round of thought without God. I have forgotten that he ordereth everything. I have been bearing the burden of my cares myself, instead of casting them all upon him. Much of the rest of the day passed in conversation with Mr. Brown. I feel pressed in spirit to do something for God. Everybody is diligent, but I am idle; all employed in their proper work, but I tossed in uncertainty; I want nothing but grace; I want to be perfectly holy, and to save myself and those that hear me. I have hitherto lived to little purpose, more like a clod than a servant of God; now let me burn out for God.

MAY 18. So unwell that Mr. B. did not think it iVht for me to preach. Went with him at ten in the morning to the new church. Mr. Brown preached on Isaiah Iv. 8-11, giving a summary of Christian doctrine. On our way back we called on a pious family, when we had some agreeable and religious conversation; but their wish to keep me from the work of the mission, and retain me at Calcutta, was carried farther than mere civility, and showed an extraordinary unconcern for the souls of the poor heathens. At eight in the evening went to the old or missionary church, where I ventured to read the service; Mr. B. preached on, “Behold the Lamb of God, that taketh,” Arc. I was very agreeably surprised at the number, attention, and apparent liveliness of the audience; and 1 may safely say, that most of the young ministers that I know would rejoice to come from England, if they knew how attractive every circumstance is respecting the church. Stayed in the vestry some time after, conversing with Mr. Burney; had reason to lament great want of modesty and spirituality afterwards. Began the day with strong desires that God would exert his power and make me holy. My fioul groaned out of its corruptions, and I trusted that this day I should for once be free from those vanities which I knew too well would, without great caution, enslave my heart; but it was not so, and towards night I was almost discouraged in my struggles after a holy mind. Yet upon the whole, no discovery of corruption is very distressing, while God supports the hope of improvement, and makes me pant earnestly for it. MAY 19. As I was this day to be presented at the levee of the Governor- General, I had need of much prayer, that my mind might not be run away with again by new vanities; and I was helped accordingly; for the Lord showed me the extreme folly and emptiness of all earthly splendor. After waiting a considerable time in a crowd of military men, an aid-de-camp presented me to Sir G. Barlow, who, after one or two trifling questions, passed on. We went from the Governor’s house to the college, where we were shown Tippoo’s library. One of the learned natives read us a passage in the Koran, or rather sang or chanted it. At the end of a sentence, in order to preserve the time of an equal length with that of the preceding, he drawled out the last syllable with a long and strong nasal sound, like one of the pipes of an organ, after the tune is finished. We then got into a boat, and the stream in an hour and a half helped us up to Serampore, to Mr. Brown’s house. In the cool of the evening we walked to the mission-house, a few hundred yards off, and I at last saw the place about which I have so long read with pleasure; I was introduced to all the missionaries. We sat down, about one hundred and fifty, to tea, at several longtables in an immense room. After this there was evening ser vice in another room adjoining, by Mr. Ward. Mr. Marshman then delivered his lecture on Grammar. As his observations were chiefly confined to the Greek, and seemed intended for the young missionaries, I was rather disappointed, having expected to hear something about the Oriental languages. With Mr. M. alone, I had much conversation, and received the first encouragement to be a missionary that I have met with since I came to this country. I blessed God in my heart for this seasonable supply of refreshment. The habitation assigned me by Mr. 13. is a p;igoda in his grounds, on the edge of the river. Thither I retired at night, and really felt something like superstitious dread at being in a place once inhabited as it were by devils; but yet felt disposed to be triumphantly joyful, that the temple where they were worshipped was become Christ’s oratory. I prayed out aloud to my God, and the echoes

returned from the vaulted roof: Oh may I so pray, that the dome of heaven may re sound! I like my dwelling much; it is so retired and free from noise; it has so many recesses and cells, that I can hardly find my way in and out.

MAY 20. My melancholy was a little relieved by the hope, that 1 should not be entirely useless as a missionary. In the evening I walked with Mr. Brown, to see the evening wor ship at a pagoda, whither they say the god who inhabited my pagoda retired some years ago. As we walked through the dark wood, which everywhere covers the country, the cymbals and drums struck up, and never did sounds go through my heart with such horror in my life. I would have given the world to have known the language, to have preached to them. At this moment Mr. Marshman arrived, and my soul exulted that the truth would now be made known; he addressed the Brahmins with a few questions about the god; they seemed to be all agreed with Mr. M. and quite ashamed at being interrogated, when they knew they could give no answer. They were at least mute, and would not reply; and when he continued speaking, they struck up again with their detestable music, and so silenced him. We walked away in sorrow; but the scene we had witnessed gave rise to a very profitable conversation, which lasted some hours. Marshman, in conversation with me, sketched out, what he thought would be the most useful plan for me to pursue in India; which would be to stay in Calcutta a year to learn the language, and when I went up the country, to take one or two native brethren with me, to send them forth, and preach occasionally only to confirm their word, to establish schools, and visit them. He said I should do far more good in the way of influence, than merely by actual preaching. After ail, what ever God may appoint, prayer is the great thing. Oh that I may be a man of prayer! my spirit still struggles for deliverance from all my corruptions.

MAY. 22. In prayer this morning, my soul found the blessed God revealing himself in comfort to my soul. I have for many days been going on frowardly in the ways of my heart finding little pleasure in God, and less in anything else; but the Lord hath led me, and restored comfort to me. Telling Mr. Brown about my Cambridge honors, I found my pride stirred, and bitterly repented having said anything about it. Surely the increase of humility need not be neglected, when silence may do it.

MAY 23. Was in general in a spiritual happy frame the whole day, which I cannot but ascribe to my being more diligent in prayer over the Scriptures; so that it is the neglect of this duty that keeps my soul so low.

MAY 25. (Sunday.) In the morning my heart was tolerably spiritual; I felt withdrawn from the world, and found pleasure in being alone with the blessed God. Oh what heavenly-mindedness might I enjoy by more communion with God!

MAY 26. Went up to Serampore with Mr. Brown, with whom I had much enlivening conversation. Why cannot I be like Fletcher and Brainerd, and those great men of modern times? Is anything too hard for the Lord? Cannot my stupid stony heart be made to flame with love and zeal? What is it that bewitches me, that I live such a dying life? my soul groans under its bondage. In the evening Marsh-I Cor. i. 23, 24. The sermon excited no small ferment; however, after some looks of surprise and whispering, the congregation became attentive and serious. I knew what I was to be on my guard against, — and therefore, that I might not have my mind full of idle thoughts about the opinions of men, I prayed both before and after, that the word might be for the conversion of souls, and that I might feel indifferent, except on this scon:.

JUNK 9. Somewhat melancholy at reflecting on being soon to be cut off from such delightful Christian society. But alas! why do I regret it? let me live contentedly, separated from every creature consolation, and look forward with delight and joy to the day of my departure from this world. At night, went to the mission-house, and heard Mr. Ward’s monthly lecture, on the manners and customs of the Hindoos. JUNK 10. The bilious fever with which I had been attacked continued to increase, till Mr. B. and his family began to be .seriously alarmed. During the first part of the day i could f»-el nothing suitable to the awfulness of the occasion. I was disposed to trifle with death, and could not fix my thoughts in prayer. But on a sudden I found myself serious, and breathed forth my soul freely to God. God vouchsafed at this time to give me a sweet serenity at the prospect of death. J thought with pleasure of leaving this world of sin and sorrow; enjoyed an almost uninterrupted peace of mind.

JUNK 11. Had little enjoyment of God’s presence, through a detestable lightness of spirit, which has more wounded my peace than any other evil whatsoever. Dr. Taylor visited me at night, and spoke of missionary subjects. He said he expected to live to see the temporal power of the Mahomrnedans destroyed.

JUNE 12. Still exceedingly feeble; I came into the house to dinner, but while there, 1 felt as if fainting or dying. The Lord was pleased to break my hard heart, and deliver me

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from that satanic spirit of light and arrogant unconcern about which I groaned out ray complaint to God.

JUNE 14. A pundit came to me this morning, but after having my patience tried with him, I was obliged to send him away, as he knew nothing about Ilindoostunee. I was exceedingly puzzled to know, how 1 should ever be able to acquire any assistance in learning these languages. Alas! what trials are awaiting me. In the afternoon, while pleading for a contrite, tender spirit, but in vain, 1 was obliged to cease praying for that tenderness of spirit, and to go on to other petitions, and by this means was brought to a more submissive state.

JUNE 16. Heard that Dr. W. had made an intemperate attack upon me yesterday at the new church, and upon all the doctrines of the gospel. I felt, like the rest, disposed to be entertained at it; but I knew it to be wrong, and therefore found it far sweeter to retire and pray, with my mind lixed upon the more awful things of another world. McK. called on us this afternoon on his way to Delhi. I was shocked at his coldness about divine things; yet unhappily found no opportunity to speak to him on it.

JrxE 19. Rose in gloom, but that was soon dissipated by consideration, and prayer. Began after breakfast, for the first time, with a moonshee, a Cashmerian Brahmin, with whom I was much pleased. In the boat, back to Serampore, learning roots. Walked at night with Marshman and Mr. B. to the bazaar held at this time of the year, for the use of the people assembling at Juggernaut. The booth or carriage was fifty feet high, in appearance a wooden temple, with rows of wheels through the centre of it. By the side of this a native brother who attended Marshman gave away papers; and this gave occasion to disputes, which continued a considerable time between Marshman and the Brahmins.

Felt somewhat hurt nt night at ’s insinuating thai my low spirits, as lie called it, were owing to want of diligence. God help me to be free from this charge, and yet not desirous to make a show before men! May I walk in sweet and inward communion with him, laboring with never-ceasing diligence and care, and assured that L shall not live or labor

in vain!

JUNK 20, 21. Employed in learning Hindoostanee. Hearing of Mr. Pitt’s death, I was led into solemn reflections on our mortality, and the vanity of the world. Alas, what matters it to have acquired such a name as Mr. Pitt, or Lord Nelson, or Lord Cornwallis, who have all just died, if they are not the servants of God! How vast the change at the last day, when the despised children of God shall shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father!

JUNE 22. (Sunday.) Labored much in prayer in the morning, that God would be pleased to keep my heart during the service from thinking about men. In public worship I was rather more heavenly-minded than on former occasions, yet still vain and wandering. At night preached on John x. 11, “I am the good Shepherd;” there was great attention. Yet felt a little dejected afterwards, as if I always preached without doing good.

JUNE 24. At day-light left Calcutta; arrived at Seramporc at eight, and retired to my pagoda, intending to spend the day in fasting and prayer; but after a prayer, in which the Lord helped me to review with sorrow the wickedness of my past life, I was so overcome with fatigue that I fell asleep, and thus lost the whole morning; so 1 gave up my original intention. Passed the afternoon in translating the 2d chapter of St. Matthew into Hindoostanee. Had a long conversation at night with Marshman, whose desire now is, that I should give myself to the study of Hindoostanee for the sake of the Scriptures, and be ready to supply the place of Carey and Marshman in the work, should they be taken off; and for another reason — that I might awaken the attention of the people of God in Calcutta more to missionary subjects. I was struck with the importance of having proper persons here to supply the place of these two men; but could not see that it was the path God designed for me. I felt, how ever, a most impatient desire that some of my friends should come out, and give themselves to the work; for which they are so much more fit in point of learning than any of the Dissenters are, and could not bear that a work of such stupendous magnitude should be endangered by their neglect, and love of the world.

JUNE 25. Set apart this day for fasting and prayer; at the remembrance of my past life, with which I generally begin, I was tenderly affected with some degree of sorrow and humiliation; afterwards for increase of grace to my own soul, and in my ministry, and in intercession for my country and friends, 1 could not plead with power. In prayer for the setting up of the kingdom of God in India, I felt some freedom, but little love for souls.

JUNE 20, 21. Employed in learning Hindoostanee. Hearing of Mr. Pitt’s death, I was led into solemn reflections on our mortality, and the vanity of the world. Alas, what matters it to have acquired such a name as Mr. Pitt, or Lord Nelson, or Lord Cornwallis, who have all just died, if they are not the servants of God! How vast the change at the last day, when the despised children of God shall shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father!

JUNE 24. At day-light left Calcutta; arrived at Seramporc at eight, and retired to my pagoda, intending to spend the day in fasting and prayer; but after a prayer, in which the Lord helped me to review with sorrow the wickedness of my past life, I was so overcome with fatigue that I fell asleep, and thus lost the whole morning; so 1 gave up my original intention. Passed the afternoon in translating the 2d chapter of St. Matthew into Hindoostanee. Had a long conversation at night with Marshman, whose desire, now is, that I should give myself to the study of Hindoostanee for the sake of the Scriptures, and be ready to supply the place of Carey and Marshman in the work, should they be taken off; and for another reason — that I might awaken the attention of the people of God in Calcutta more to missionary subjects. I was struck with the importance of having proper persons here to supply the place of these two men; but could not see that it was the path God designed for me. I felt, how ever, a most impatient desire that some of my friends should come out, and give themselves to the work; for which they are so much more fit in point of learning than any of the Dissenters are, and could not bear that a work of such stupendous magnitude should be endangered by their neglect, and love of the world.

JUNE 26. Employed in translating St. Matthew into Hindoostanee, and reading Mirza’s translation; afterwards had moonshee a little. In the afternoon walked with Mr. Brown to see Juggernaut’s car drawn back to its pagoda. Many thousands of people were present, rending the air with acclamations. The car and tower was decorated with a vast number of flags, and the Brahmins were passing to and fro through the different compartments of it, catching the offerings of fruit, cowries, &c., that were thrown up to the god; for which they threw down in return small wreaths of flow ers, which the people wore round their necks and in their hair. When the car stopped at the pagoda, the god, with one or two attending deities, were let down by ropes, muffled up in red cloths, a band of singers with drums and cymbals going round the car while this was performed. Before the stumps of images, for they were not better, some of the people prostrated themselves, striking the ground twice with their foreheads; this excited more horror in me than I can well express, and I was about to stammer out in Hindoostanee, “Why do yc these things?” and to preach the gospel. The words were on my lips — though, if 1 had spoken, thousands would have crowded round me, and I should not have been understood. However, I felt my spirit more inflamed with zeal than I ever conceived it would be; and I thought that if I had words, I would preach to the multitudes all the day, if I lost my life for it. It was curious how the women clasped their hands, and lifted them up as if in the ecstacy of devotion, while Juggernaut was tumbled about in the most clumsy manner before their eyes. I thought with some sor row, that Satan may exert the same influence in exciting apparently religious affections in professors of the gospel, in order to deceive souls to their eternal ruin. Dr. Taylor and Mr. Moore joined us, and distributed tracts. Mr. Ward, we heard, was at a distance preaching. On our return, we met Marsh man going upon the same errand. In evening worship my heart was rather drawn out for the heathen, and my soul in general through the day enjoyed a cheering sense of God’s love. Marshman joined us again, and our conversation was about supporting some native missions.

JUNE 29. (Sunday.) Preached this morning to a large congregation in the New Church, on Rom. vii. 18, and was in general raised in my thoughts and affections above this world, but love of souls is what I do not feel. God help me to seek after it!

JUNE 30. Spent the afternoon chiefly in prayer, of which my soul stood greatly in need, through the snares into which my heart had been falling. Through mercy my heart was not so far gone from God, as to find it very difficult to renounce the world again. But I found it necessary to cry for deliverance from all my present thoughts, again to bid adieu to the world, and be no more entangled with it, but to live as if I had not a friend in the world, entirely set apart for God. My soul was blessed with peace, though I was somewhat melancholy at the pain the conflict occasioned.

JULY 1. I would consider every day as a time of contradiction to the flesh, and would expect no pleasure, but a life of hardship, labor, and humiliation. If outward things are made comfortable, through goodness and love, let God be praised; but I would not think of these things, but see them ebb or flow with equal indifference. I would consider heaven as my only dwelling-place, and on that let me be always thinking. The setting up of Christ’s kingdom in the hearts of men is my delightful business upon earth; but oh, let me labor in that with a mind simply directed to Jesus! so shall I walk steadily with God.

JULY 3. Rose with some happiness in my soul, and delight in the thought of an increase of labor in the church of God. Was detained in the house at a time when I wanted prayer. In the evening walked with the family through Serampore, the natives’ part. At night we had a delightful spiritual conversation. Thus my time passes most agreeably in this dear family. Lord, let me be willing to leave it and the world with joy.

JULY 7. After the first thought of indolence, self-complacency, and discontent had been dissipated, my soul was brought by the gracious Spirit to a different frame, so that it was delightful to me to think of laboring ardently for God and heathen souls, unknown and unnoticed by the creature. Oh, surely God does intend good for India ere long; or is it because I find the belief so agreeable, that I do believe it? Mirza came to me this morning; and as it was the last time I should see him, I preached the gospel to him. He said that now he had translated the Gospels, he was become a

Christian in heart, and wished to spend the remainder of his days in a corner, thinking of God. Thus fairly will even a ferocious Mussulman speak.

JULY 8. Reading with moonshee all the morning. Spent the afternoon in reading and prayer, as preparatory to a meet ing of the missionaries at night. At eight, ten of us met in my pagoda. It was, throughout, a soul-refreshing ordinance to me; I felt as I wished, as if having done with the world, and standing on the very verge of heaven, rejoicing at the glorious work which God will accomplish on the earth. An idea thrown out by - - pleased me very much, not on account of its practicability, but its grandeur, i. e. that there should be an annual meeting, at the Cape of Good Hope, of all the missionaries in the world.

JULY 9. Reading the sermon on the mount, in the Hindoostanee Testament, with moonshee. In the evening, went to the missionary house, drank tea, and attended their worship. These affectionate souls never fail to mention me particularly in their prayers, but I am grieved that they so mistake my occasional warmth for zeal. It is one of the things in which I am most low and backward, as the Lord, who seeth in secret, knows too well. Oh then, may any who think it worth while to take up my name into their lips, pray for the beginning rather than the continuance of zeal! Marshman, in my walk with him, kindly assured me of his great regard and union of heart with me. I would that I had more gratitude to God, for so putting it into the hearts of his people to show regard to one so undeserving. At night, had much nearness to God in prayer. I found it sweet to my spirit to reflect on my being a pilgrim on earth, with Christ for my near and dear friend, and found myself unwilling to leave off.

JULY 11. Had much plague from the vanities of my heart to-day. Some suitable thoughts coming into my mind at night, of the majesty of God, and the manner in which angels serve him, from hearing sacred music, I was astonished at reflecting on my daring irreverence. Oh, never have I approached the Deity with anything of a proper temper. Due apprehensions of him I cannot expect to have; but surely I mio-lit walk before him with less carelessness than I do! The seraphs veil their faces with their wings, before the Lord. Oh to think that such a despicable creature should be irreverent!

JULY 13. (Sunday.) Talked to Mr. B. about L. He strongly recommended endeavoring to bring her here. I enjoy in general such sweet peace of mind, from considering myself a stranger upon earth, unknown, forgotten, that were I never thrown into any more trying circumstances than I am in at present, no change could add to my happiness. At the new church this morning, had the happiness of hearing Mr. Jpreach. I trust God will graciously keep him, and instruct him, and make him another witness of Jesus in this place. My heart was greatly refreshed, and rejoiced at it all the day. JULY 14. The same subject engrosses my whole thoughts. Mr. B.’s arguments appear so strong, that my mind is almost made up to send for Lydia. Passed much of the morning with Mirza, the Mahometan, and endeavored to press upon his mind the truths of the gospel; in the afternoon, with moonshee. Till evening worship, passed some time profitably in reading and prayer, and God in grace and love helped me to have my affections withdrawn from the world, and to be indifferent about the event of what is now passing in my mind. Through Christian friends being with us this evening, we had some agreeable conversation on divine things.

JULY 17. Engaged in writing a sermon for Sunday. After officiating at evening worship, 1 felt my heart much enlarged, and disposed to exclude anything but spiritual conversation. Afterwards Mr. J. came and conversed with Mr. B. and my self, on the subject of the late attacks from the pulpit, which

JOURNAL AND LETTERS. [1SOG.

we had heard. Blessed be God, Mr. J. seems really disposed to join with the followers of the Lord.

JULY 20. (Sunday.) Preached at the new church on 2 Mr. Marshman dined with us, and at four I t to the Bazaar, to hear him preach to the natives I arrived at the shed before him, and found the native brethren igmg, after which one of them got up, and addressed the people with such firmness and mild energy, notwithstanding ieir occasional contradictions and ridicule, that I was quite ghted and refreshed. To see a native Indian, an earnest pcate for Jesus, how precious! Marshman afterwards e and prayed, sang, and preached. I felt pained, that should so frequently speak with contempt of the Brahmins, many of whom were listening with great respect and ‘Ihe group presented all that variety of counte-, which the word i, represented as producing in a Uhen audience. Some inattentive, others scornful and. seemingly melting under it. Another native brother pelieve, then addressed them. An Indian sermon about nst was like music on my ear, and I felt inflamed to ‘gm my work: these poor people possess more intelligence 1 feeling than I thought, At the end of the service “there was a sort of uproar when the papers were given away and the attention of the populace and of some Europeans was excited.

. Read Ilindoostanee without moonshee. At nio-ht

;aw the awful necessity of being no longer slothful, nor

g my thoughts about such trifles, as whether I should

3 married or not; and felt a great degree of fear, lest the

the five thousand Mahometans, who Mr B said

to be found in Calcutta, capable of understanding a

itanee sermon, should be required at my hand.

JTLY25 Walked from the landing-place, a mile’ and a

•If, through the native part of Calcutta, amidst crowds of orientals of all nations. How would the spirit of St. Paul have been moved! The thought of summoning the attention of such multitudes appeared very formidable; and during the course of the evening was the occasion of many solemn thoughts and prayer, that God would deliver me from all softness of mind, fear, and self-indulgence, and make me ready to suffer shame and death for the name of the Lord Jesus.

JULY 29. Much of this morning taken up in writing to Lydia. As far as my own views extend, I feel no doubt at all about the propriety of the measure — of at least proposing it. May the Lord, in continuance of his loving kindness to her and me, direct her mind! that if she comes, I may consider it as a special gift from God, and not merely permitted by him. Marshman sat with us in the evening, and as usual was teeming with plans for the propagation of the gospel.

JULY 30. Felt the necessity of stirring myself up to a mo: e cheerful activity in conversation, and endeavors to do any such good by constant exertion. In the afternoon and at night thinking about sermon; but my soul does not enjoy the presence of God. My prayers are with seriousness, but without affection and joy. For all the impurity and iniquity, and indolence of my heart, the Lord, I fear, hideth his face. Oh mercifully cleanse me from all filthiness of flesh and spirit!

Restored from a scan of the 1851 edition, with page headers and numbers removed and words rejoined across line breaks. Scan-derived text, still being proofread; compare the original scan before quoting.