Great Remorse—Mistaken Views and Rebellious Thoughts
Great remorse — Mistaken views and rebellious thoughts — Her marriage — Her husband’s and her own religious predilections — Birth of her child, and views of her responsibility in relation to training it — Long-continued distress of mind — Joys of salvation restored, under the prayer of her pastor — Informs her friends — Effect on her father.
When I became convinced that the Bible was true, great remorse took possession of my breast. I felt justly condemned. Having been taught the doctrine of unconditional election and reprobation, I concluded that I was one of the reprobates — one destined to be forever banished from the presence of the Lord. As a result, my heart rose in rebellion against God and his ways. I accounted him my enemy. I walked in much anguish of spirit, and great darkness. Two paths seemed to be presented before me — the one election, and the other infidelity. Either, I felt, was death to me. I was so deeply impressed with my great sinfulness, that I did not think it possible for me to be one of the elect.
I remained in this deplorable state of mind till the year 1821, when I was united in marriage to Aaron Gardner. He was a very respectable and amiable young man, and my parents were much pleased with him. I had always thought that when I was married I should certainly serve the Lord. As the time drew near, and especially the week previous to my marriage, my convictions of sin greatly increased, and I was frequently on my knees, praying that God would enable me to keep my vow with him. My husband had been brought up in nearly the same manner as myself, with this exception: he had attended the Methodist and I the Presbyterian Church. He advocated free salvation, and I unconditional election. He tried to encourage me to lay hold of God by faith, believing that all miofht come to God and be saved. At times I was much comforted by his remarks.
Thus I “went on, sinning and repenting, hoping and fearing, till my daughter Jane was laid in my arms. I now thought my happiness complete. But it was not long before the still, small voice of conscience began to speak again, saying, ‘’This child must be brought up for God!” But how could I teach my child what I did not know by experience myself? I felt that there must be an entire giving up of my own heart and will to God, before I could lead another. I felt a strong desire to know God, and please him; but then the doctrine of election would come up before my mind, in such a manner as to lead me to despair of success with God. This made me very unhappy. One day, while reflecting upon my state of mind, I came to the conclusion that it was of no use for me to be unhappy in time as well as in eternity. As to the latter, it appeared to me that my fate was fixed, and I concluded to make the most of my present enjoyments. This device of the devil induced me to renounce all efforts to seek the favor of God, and dismiss from my mind all thoughts of the subject. I now gave up prayer, and ceased to read the Bible.
When my babe was about six months old.
my pastor, Rev. Mr. Thompson, called upon me. He made several inquiries respecting the state of my mind before God. I told him that I desired religion above every thing else, but that I could not come to God, unless I was called according to his purpose; and that all my efforts to do so had proved fruitless. I assured him that I had given up all hope that I should ever be saved; that I considered my prayers an abomination in his sight; and if God should be pleased to send me to hell, I could praise him for it, because I deemed myself unworthy of eternal life. He said but little in reply, but, as he was going away, took me by the hand and said, “Mrs. Gardner, I trust the day is not far distant when you will be born into the kingdom.” My heart still continued heavy. Three months after this, as I one day sat rocking and singing to my babe, my attention was particularly drawn toward her. She was a very lovely child — a fact admitted by all who saw her — and had many winning ways. While gazing with delight upon her beauty, I felt a strong desire to train her up for God. Then came my distress again. “How,” I asked, “can I, a sinner, train this child for heaven? She has even now a depraved nature, and, I fear, is drinking from me the seeds of eternal death. Miserable mother!” I exclaimed, “what shall I do to save this dear child from my fate? I must give her to some devoted Christian, that she may not feel my contaminating influence.” As these thoughts were passing through my mind, I arose and laid my sweet child on the bed, and then fell on my knees, calling upon God to have mercy upon me, its unhappy mother. I was then led by the Spirit to plead with God in a very powerful manner. My heart-felt language was, “If I perish, I will perish at thy feet. Whether happy or miserable, the remainder of my life shall be devoted to thee.” I now began to feel that there was a little hope for me. As I rose from my knees, I remembered a tract in which I had read an account of a man who had experienced religion, as the result of readino the New Testament throusrh by course. I thought this would be the best thing I could do. I therefore took my long-neglected Testament, and had read as far as Christ’s sermon on the mount, when my husband came in. I told him of my determination. He was much rejoiced, as I could instantly and clearly understand, and without making any remarks, strange as it may seem, he commenced repeating the hnes,
“Come, humble sinner, in whose breast A thousand thoughts revolve.”
I requested him not to mention to my parents or friends my new purposes; but I was resolved to go on. My burden still increased; during the four succeeding weeks the anguish of my mind was such as I can not describe. I could neither eat nor sleep; I felt that the help of man was, indeed, vain.
One afternoon, as I was sewing and reflecting on my miserable state, I heard a rap at the door. I found, on opening it, that it was Mrs. Thompson, the minister’s wife. I at once resolved not to disclose to her the state of my mind. As soon as she entered, my little child hsped her name, and tried to say, “How do you do?” She ran to her, took her upon her lap, and kissing her, said, ‘’What a lovely child!” ‘’Yes,” I replied, “but what an unworthy mother 1” Thus, before I was aware, I had revealed the deep workings of my heart. I burst into tears, and asked her if she would take my child, and bring it up for God. I solicited her to spend the remainder of the afternoon with me, which she consented to do.
She told me that I ought to be very thankful for such views of my responsibihty as I had. I did not understand how I ought to be thankful for feelings which I thought were kilhng my soul and body. My burden now became heavier than ever before, and she left me in tears.
The next evening Mr. Thompson came in, and endeavored to explain to me the way of salvation. I told him that I did not think God could be just and pardon me; that I could admire his justice, though it did prove my eternal condemnation. He pointed me to the Lamb of God, and prayed earnestly in my behalf. During his prayer I was enabled to look to Christ by faith. O, what a view! I saw that he was my Savior from sin. For me he had suffered and died. Now he appeared to me altogether lovely. I felt that he was just such a Savior as could “do helpless sinners good.” 0, what light and joy now filled my soul, and ravished my heart! I was surprised at the nearness of access which I found at the throne of grace. When we rose from our knees I felt that my burden was gone; but did not mention it to Mr. Thompson. After he left me I took my Testament and continued reading in course. When I came to the eio-hteenth and nineteenth verses of the fifth chapter of Mark, I was entirely overcome. It read thus: “And when he was come into the ship, he that had been possessed with the devil prayed him, that he might be with him. Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but said unto him. Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee.” I felt that it had been spoken directly to me, and broke out in singing,
“I love my Jesus, yes, I do;
O! glory, halleluiah!
I know my Jesus loves me too;
O! glory, halleluiah.”
My husband had gone to New York, and my sister came to stay with me that night. I could not sleep, nor let her, my heart was so filled with love and praise to God. How great my deliverance! I sang with a loud voice many times during the night. Early in the morning myself and sister prepared to go to my father’s house, where I was to stay till my husband should return. My sister was greatly tried with me for making so much noise. “The next we know,” said she, “you will be crazy.” She then took my babe and ran ou ahead of me, as fast as ever she could. She was ashamed of me, because I had continued to sing after I had passed the gate. I wanted to stop at Mr. Thompson’s and tell him how great things God had done for me; but as it was early, and no one stirring, I passed on, and in a few minutes was at my father’s house. On meeting my step-mother at the door, I exclaimed, “0, mother! I have got religion!” She threw her arms around me, and rejoiced with me. Presently my dear grandmother coming in, said, “Well, I can, with angels, rejoice over this lost one found.” My father also looked at my happy countenance with much surprise, and then sat down, covered his face with his hands, and burst into tears. From that time till his death he was never known to say any thing against religion.